So it's that resolution-ary time of the year. I never make resolutions. Damn it. It's difficult for me to decide and stick to things that threaten to alter my comfort zones - sticking to people is what I do best. Though years came and went by and I have been rather constant and unmoving in my pseudo-resolution love to the same aim each time that never reaches its summation.
Cut to 2013:
(watching awe struck, a friend on the treadmill alongside mine, having shed gallons of weight, okay slight exaggeration)
Me: Wow, you've lost so much? Just by gyming?
He: Naah, you have to shut your mouth too. It's stupid to pay so much money and still continue eating, no?
(awkward silence - I run...brisk walk....trot....whatever, 10 minutes extra on the treadmill and stop with Seeya on the way back to eat two plates of golguppas to drown my dipping spirits in them and wondering how people resist good food. Would it help my case to add that I skip dinner to make up for that and console my grief-less soul. Only that I eat half of a chocolate before going to bed to fight the hunger pang eventually. Someone please tell me ~ How do people orgasm over fruits and salads, unless by ways other than those known to me? I see fruits and they only remind me of how much progress technology has made and the soul stirring, cheese dipping, fried, sumptuous options available and how I should not waste my taste buds on the former. If only one could see me taking a whiff of food, he'd think I attained Nirvana)
2014:
(Another year of unsuccessful weight loss programmes and fondness for food reaching Shahrukh and Kajol kinda chemistry levels - we just can't let go of each other, whether we look good together or not. Like they say - some love stories never end. My mom and masi end up with more grey hair, for my masi checks out my holiday pictures on Facebook and asks all jaw droppingly, to my mataji how much weight Ruchi has lost. And my mom with her sharpened humour skills replies, "Woh gaye Bhi Moti the and wapas Bhi Moti aaye Hain, pata Nahi photos mein kaise patli lagte hain". You know, bedard zamaana and all that jazz.
Things I tell myself ~
•I'll skip dinner and have a small Maggi packet. It's just a quarter plate worth of food instead of a full plate portion. Hain na? Hain na?
•It's only one fat round innocent looking, glistening with shudh ghee waala piece of pinni vs the entire lunch of salads, veggies, curd, pulses, etc. How on Mother Earth can such a substitution go wrong?
•But but it's only half of a full burger! Besides burgers these days are anyway palm sized. What's bloody wrong with this McDonald's ka conscience?
•My bones are heavy.
•I'm PMSing. It's pre PMSing bloating/post PMSing bloating.
•My favourite comeback - I'm pleasantly plump. Look at my smile. Aww, that's enough.
•I have some rare disease that packs weight on me.
•It's in my genes. Oh yes. I've had a family of fat/obese people. The Kapoors are never thin. Look at Raj Kapoor's family in Bollywood. See. See.
Then brother goes on to lose all extra weight and mom becomes slim shady with yoga and things I tell myself change to ~
•Fuck my life.
2015:
(Friend sends an image of two donkeys eating non-stop, a plateful of cakes and texting alongside 'we must stop eating'. She also writes -"my past and your present").
Uff. I hold a heavy hand to my heavy chest of my heavy body (metaphorically and otherwise, obviously) pretending to struggle with the onset of a heart attack (when there isn't even a bloody heart ache), shed an invisible tear that falls on the roasted almond Silk chocolate and eat the whole of it in the unbearable sansaari dukh despite the tear mixed salty taste. And then I go around looking in every nook and corner for any traces of Mr Self Respect or his sterner sister Madam Ego but find none whatsoever. Whoosh! Gayab like gadhe ke sar se seengh. They were probably buried in the tyres of my lower abdomen ages ago and can never dare surface now.
Things I tell myself obviously undergo a drastic change to suit the changing environment around me ~
• It's okay, I have brains. Loads of it. A thinking woman is better than a shrinking woman. Waah, Kya socha Hain!
•Voluptuous is sexy.
•Dogs like bones.
•I want people to love me for who I am, not my body *hides a sob*
•People still love me more than all those thin pins *beginning to howl in misery by now*
•Some day someone with a magic wand would come and in a stroke I would be sexy. I would save him from being crushed under a truck or something and in return he would just blink his eyes and my body would be exchanged with Deepika Padukone's. Yes, I believe in miracles. Amen.
2016:
Two months down the line of gyming again and 1.2kgs weight lost only. I had thought I would start dieting from 1st January. But then I didn't go out for New Year's Eve so gave myself the margin of binging over the weekend and start from Monday. On Monday, mom in law invited sister in law and family for lunch and I thought - wtf, it's grave offence/sin to say "no" to good food. Besides, it's eaten during the day as compared to the night and how wrong can that go. Next day, I'm 1.2kgs heavier on the scales than what I began with two months ago.
Tuesday, I'm mentally shaken. I've lost faith in humanity and weight loss methods (Not that I've really tried any). And I decide I need time to recover. It's too soon and I should just give it a day or two to start again so that my body does not revolt.
It's Wednesday and I'm thinking what's the point of starting now with the weekend coming and the possibility of eating good food at some good place again. Sigh! I guess you guys just have to bear my fat arsed posts and the fat arsed me. Pray for me, only one big fat one left.
Cut to 2013:
(watching awe struck, a friend on the treadmill alongside mine, having shed gallons of weight, okay slight exaggeration)
Me: Wow, you've lost so much? Just by gyming?
He: Naah, you have to shut your mouth too. It's stupid to pay so much money and still continue eating, no?
(awkward silence - I run...brisk walk....trot....whatever, 10 minutes extra on the treadmill and stop with Seeya on the way back to eat two plates of golguppas to drown my dipping spirits in them and wondering how people resist good food. Would it help my case to add that I skip dinner to make up for that and console my grief-less soul. Only that I eat half of a chocolate before going to bed to fight the hunger pang eventually. Someone please tell me ~ How do people orgasm over fruits and salads, unless by ways other than those known to me? I see fruits and they only remind me of how much progress technology has made and the soul stirring, cheese dipping, fried, sumptuous options available and how I should not waste my taste buds on the former. If only one could see me taking a whiff of food, he'd think I attained Nirvana)
2014:
(Another year of unsuccessful weight loss programmes and fondness for food reaching Shahrukh and Kajol kinda chemistry levels - we just can't let go of each other, whether we look good together or not. Like they say - some love stories never end. My mom and masi end up with more grey hair, for my masi checks out my holiday pictures on Facebook and asks all jaw droppingly, to my mataji how much weight Ruchi has lost. And my mom with her sharpened humour skills replies, "Woh gaye Bhi Moti the and wapas Bhi Moti aaye Hain, pata Nahi photos mein kaise patli lagte hain". You know, bedard zamaana and all that jazz.
Things I tell myself ~
•I'll skip dinner and have a small Maggi packet. It's just a quarter plate worth of food instead of a full plate portion. Hain na? Hain na?
•It's only one fat round innocent looking, glistening with shudh ghee waala piece of pinni vs the entire lunch of salads, veggies, curd, pulses, etc. How on Mother Earth can such a substitution go wrong?
•But but it's only half of a full burger! Besides burgers these days are anyway palm sized. What's bloody wrong with this McDonald's ka conscience?
•My bones are heavy.
•I'm PMSing. It's pre PMSing bloating/post PMSing bloating.
•My favourite comeback - I'm pleasantly plump. Look at my smile. Aww, that's enough.
•I have some rare disease that packs weight on me.
•It's in my genes. Oh yes. I've had a family of fat/obese people. The Kapoors are never thin. Look at Raj Kapoor's family in Bollywood. See. See.
Then brother goes on to lose all extra weight and mom becomes slim shady with yoga and things I tell myself change to ~
•Fuck my life.
2015:
(Friend sends an image of two donkeys eating non-stop, a plateful of cakes and texting alongside 'we must stop eating'. She also writes -"my past and your present").
Uff. I hold a heavy hand to my heavy chest of my heavy body (metaphorically and otherwise, obviously) pretending to struggle with the onset of a heart attack (when there isn't even a bloody heart ache), shed an invisible tear that falls on the roasted almond Silk chocolate and eat the whole of it in the unbearable sansaari dukh despite the tear mixed salty taste. And then I go around looking in every nook and corner for any traces of Mr Self Respect or his sterner sister Madam Ego but find none whatsoever. Whoosh! Gayab like gadhe ke sar se seengh. They were probably buried in the tyres of my lower abdomen ages ago and can never dare surface now.
Things I tell myself obviously undergo a drastic change to suit the changing environment around me ~
• It's okay, I have brains. Loads of it. A thinking woman is better than a shrinking woman. Waah, Kya socha Hain!
•Voluptuous is sexy.
•Dogs like bones.
•I want people to love me for who I am, not my body *hides a sob*
•People still love me more than all those thin pins *beginning to howl in misery by now*
•Some day someone with a magic wand would come and in a stroke I would be sexy. I would save him from being crushed under a truck or something and in return he would just blink his eyes and my body would be exchanged with Deepika Padukone's. Yes, I believe in miracles. Amen.
2016:
Two months down the line of gyming again and 1.2kgs weight lost only. I had thought I would start dieting from 1st January. But then I didn't go out for New Year's Eve so gave myself the margin of binging over the weekend and start from Monday. On Monday, mom in law invited sister in law and family for lunch and I thought - wtf, it's grave offence/sin to say "no" to good food. Besides, it's eaten during the day as compared to the night and how wrong can that go. Next day, I'm 1.2kgs heavier on the scales than what I began with two months ago.
Tuesday, I'm mentally shaken. I've lost faith in humanity and weight loss methods (Not that I've really tried any). And I decide I need time to recover. It's too soon and I should just give it a day or two to start again so that my body does not revolt.
It's Wednesday and I'm thinking what's the point of starting now with the weekend coming and the possibility of eating good food at some good place again. Sigh! I guess you guys just have to bear my fat arsed posts and the fat arsed me. Pray for me, only one big fat one left.
