"Come to my boozelum angel"...The Unchartered World of Booze!

Hey this corny line was in a school chapter of ours I think in standard 7th or 8th...and yup it means exactly as it sounds...it spoke of a lady with very big “assets”, who would call this nervous little employee to her ‘boozelum’ every time he scored well at work...so much that the poor lad began to fear doing well...It’s better to crash than to be crushed under road rollers like those!
So after guffaws and sniggers about it, it became like an anthem for us...for we’d repeat it shamelessly anywhere and everywhere and to almost everyone...

Phew!
What can one say about an article that begins with digress to a completely unrelated territory?
This piece is not about boobs as you may have deemed with excited antennas all wired up...it’s about booze...and our world around it.
Boozelum and booze sound phonetically similar...hence the going off track justified!

Okies...confession time first...
How well do I know my booze before I begin to blabber about it?
Well, let me admit that I am a once in a blue moon drinker...all right all my sasuraal people who are reading this...please don’t succumb to a cultural shock...For tell me what is the more important principle to follow in life- the path of honesty or the path of abstinence...?
At least I am being honest here....!

So this piece is in dedication to all my talli friends...who love their drinks till death do them part...and god in his blessed designs has surrounded me with such high-spirited souls and what can I say...I’m only human and once in a while when I raise my hands to give up, it ends in a toast...hic, hic and cheers!

Thanks here to a dear friend who sent me an eight page email about the history of various ales which I thought could be filtered to form a basic premier for all of you night riders and party goers....

So what is alcohol exactly?
Hmm...the dictionary meaning would be something like...the drink obtained after breaking down of natural sugar of grain into CO2, ethanol and residual content...blah, blah, blah...
But since meaningful education is scarce and dictionary using an extinct phenomenon...the talli version would be... “Amrit hain ji...jisko pe ke insaan is duniya ka nahi rehta...” I am reciting the unedited versions of some of my dear drunk friends when they get so “high” that they touch the sky...others say, “Hmm...hum peete hain gham bhulane ko”... ya right and their gham being that they have to get up next day and live a life on the bed of roses till it’s party time again!

Further ahead though...some startling facts that you must know...
Like did you know that the different tastes, colours and flavours of any alcohol actually come from fruits and vegetables? Oho...why didn’t anyone tell this to my mom when she used to insist that I go on a fruit diet or gulp down that terrible concoction that she termed as vegetable soup...ughhh...? So bottom line fruits and vegetables are best for health in whatever form you guzzle them in...So thoda aur piyo....n piyo jee bhar ke;)

Whenever I go dancing or clubbing...which is tragically another equally blue moonish story (so many variations of blue around me...hmmm)
Anyways, whenever I do do that...dancing that is...I sometimes like my little shot of vodka to get my feet rolling on the dance floor, with a wilful and reckless I-care-a-damn-attitude...
Well, it so appears that this is not a character defect but that there’s an explanation for it...a rocket science type of a justification! The kick comes when alcohol is absorbed into the blood stream directly and slows down the central nervous system...See, I knew it...this was a conspiracy of my metabolic system for my soul and intensions are always impeccably pure. The alcohol blocks some of the commands that the brain sends to the body and hence reflexes and reactions are slower...

Hmm...So that explains why I flirt like mad when I get a bit tipsy!
And also why a very famous young man of my little town decided to strip off all his clothes to do a full monty in everyone’s view and to their horror, after being superbly drenched in a mixture of whatever was at the counter, at a new year’s bash...Of course he had to be physically thrown out whether his reflexes agreed to it or not and since then the famous has turned into the infamous..!

Here’s another great fact about alcoholic consumption capacity between males and females. Much to our wonderment, among our group of friends are such couples where the wives are constantly grasping glasses after glasses of exotic preparations in their dainty fingers and the husband sits in a corner tossing down orange juice after pleasing his lady love with the order of her choice...

It is said by experts in case of alcohol consumption, the bigger you are the better it is (hmm...we don’t need any experts to tell us THAT...! What have we been doing in all those blessed years of adulthood otherwise if not discovering that yet?)
Anyways, big people have larger quantity of blood, so the alcohol they take in is more diluted as it mixes with the blood...
Well, it’s settled then...please remind me to take only thin people when I host a cocktail party next...biases be damned!
And since women are generally smaller than men, the research says that their capacities are lesser...
Now this one is a laugh my ass off kinda funda!
The expert should come and have a look at some of the women I know who begin with a beer, settle in with a vodka...take the night high with an exotic cocktail and eventually call it a closure with vine...and yet remain a size zero...hmm...zero logic there!
Maybe the expert meant small of brains or forgot about being big in the assets for the women folk, which may tantamount to the same. Women are going to kill me for this!

But for you my dear readers the next time you want to impress someone with your knowledge of human manna or the drinks of heaven...chill, it’s not just a connoisseur’s job...yours truly, that is little miss moi, is at your service here...

The risky whisky:
This is broken down into single malt and the blended whisky...
Famous brand names that must be included in that words-at-my-thumbs list: Glenfiddich, Dalmore, Port Ellen...and blended ones like Bells, Teacher’s, Whyte Mackay and Johnnie Walker...
The blended ones are softer, lighter and more palatable...
And did you know... ‘Whisky’ is produced from the grains in Scotland and ‘whiskey’ is produced in USA or Ireland? It’s after all not a spelling blunder that the whole bunch of industrial big-shot morons made who didn’t study their grammar at school properly.
And also note American whiskey is called Bourbon too!

The cognac...reminds you of that famous dialogue from the flick Chandni... “Cognac sharaab nahi hote”...well my dear Sridevi ji...cognac sharaab he hote hain...made from wines of Poitou and matured in oak casks...hmm...I wonder how it tastes though!

And then my dear, dear vodka...
Now here’s an eye opener...vodka was used as medicine and gun powder when the human race evolved...Whoa...and then we say our ancestors were brainos!
Who uses good old vodka or rather wastes it in making gun powder?
Medicine is still understandable...as would my “sick for it” friends would vouch for....

And did you know there are many types of vodkas too?
Acorn, birch, calendula, cherry, chicory, ginger hazelnut, mint, pepper, mountain ash, peppermint, raspberry ,watermelon and many more...
Ho hai...and I have just had one of these...and that too I don’t know which one...How illiterate we can be sometimes!
I better check those bottles next time and know what is going inside of me and how it would come out the next day...
No puns intended!

Then there’s gin with a boring history, not so appealing to me either in all its effervescent temptation...so I’d let it pass...
Also there, are the tequila shots too...hmm...now that is an interesting variant. When one sees a bunch of happy go lucky friends...sprinkling salt on their knuckles and holding a cut lemon in one hand with a tequila shot in the other...there is something intoxicating about the very thrill of the whole drill...some blood pumping and adrenalin rush it is! So with the word “cheers” just as a race is commenced...the high-spirited troupe takes a mouthful down of the liquor and get into a trance like state till they shake their heads to jerk in or off the kick! Phew!
Hmm...So worth a try! The tequila my dearies for you are made from the agave plant but then who cares when they create an orgasmic burning down your throat taking you to places unheard of! But on a serious note, I guess we do need to actually save those trees and plants which the environmentalists have been telling us to do from ion years if we want the revelling to go on...see I care for the ecosystem too!

So it’s been a long revealing story but then when the night is young and long, stories are bound to happen! When something goes in, the repercussions are bound o come out! How sober am I while writing this or anything else that I do...well, I never really am...always high...high on life!