If I were God...

~First of all, saying words like “Hey Bhagwan! Oh God! Sweet Mother of Lord!” without really meaning to remember me would be considered blasphemous. And phrases like “Bhagwan ki liye mujhe chodh do/ Bhagwan se daro/ Bhagwan, khush to tum bahut hoge aaj” should be rephrased...really, I am tired of hearing them through ages, aren’t you guys tired of mouthing them? And those who still don’t learn and say “Bhagwan sab dekh raha hain...” dude, I have better things to do than see your all, all the bloody time.

~I would introduce three new levels of kissing my temple’s threshold, for those who must-the feet kissing for the old-fashioned, the flying kiss for the hoity-toity and the French kiss for the very desirable by my standards, as means to show their devotion towards me.

~All newly born would enter the world tiny as they do but within half an hour of delivery they would become two and half years old and ready to go to school.

~I would remove the stupid virginity ensuring tissue from the female body so that no one judges or dreads.

~There would be a rationing system for getting sex, so that it is ensured just one person is not getting too much of it beware Salman Khan, leaving the others with too less in defence of my fairness, we must think of Bobby Darling too. The reservation or quota system here would also automatically solve the problem of scandals of the likes of Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen and also sex crimes.

~I would mix laughing gas in the air in small doses everywhere-I hate sulky faces and most of all my own.

~Millions of unemployed youth would be recruited in my team of angels that would globe trot to rid all menace gnawing human existence-employment ki employment and deployment ka deployment say hello to the greatest God ever-I should rule for a golden jubilee at least! And besides even God needs some time off from humans to pursue her extra-curricular activities!

~It would be criminal to say "Oh my God! Oh my God!" while you are having sex-humans, stop confusing me with calls for help, where you do not want a threesome. 

~There would be world-wide poll systems, to pass rules in favour or against a motion and emotion. So all that you’d have to do for it, is start a page on Facebook and get as many likes as is humanly possible. For example-Do you want Rakhi Saawant gagged forever? Do you want Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi married? Should actors be in solitary confinement for movies like Bodyguard and Ra-One, where they only see the re-runs of what they vomited produced? Now, you get the drift-it is the rule of the people, for the people and by the people.

~I would create trees that satiate all hunger, rivers that quench all thirst and relationships that curb all urge.

~It would be illegal to come to my temple on a thunderous, stormy night and make the entire bells ring on their own and then bitch about how life’s been a bitch to you...Really, if your wife/husband would not lend their ear to hear all that, what makes you think I would?

~But there would be definitely be dial-a-god service so that you don’t have to randomly look up in the air and say things that you sit back and wonder if anyone heard. Of course the epic ‘Aap kataar mein hain-kripya line pe bane rahen...’ may have to be introduced eventually herein for morons who get free-dialling and sms packages.

~I would make you pay for your goodness or sins in this very birth-I do not understand how my predecessors on this thrown could come up with such a sucky concept of ‘paying in this birth for the sins committed in the previous life cycle’ syndrome. It is hardly rectifying because they also built in memory loss in the system along side, so that people would not suffer without knowing why and raise blaming fingers at yours truly.

~And for the above, there would also be a reward and punishment system based on an automatically updated Identification Card-so for every sin that you commit, a favourite activity gets ticked off the list. Say if you cheated someone at work, the system erases one week of mind-blowing sex from your life span-the intensity of all actions would be varying depending upon the frequency.

~I would redesign the human body to include more organs for pleasure-just a couple of them here and there can be boring. I would also redefine the functions of the heart-Excuse me Mr Heart, just shut the fuck up and only pump blood, what you were meant to do!

~I would revamp also the outfits of those living with magic wands on this side of the heaven-I mean gawdy gold chunks covering the better part of female goddesses and also male ones, for crying out loud making them so sissy is just not done-diamonds would be not just women’s but also goddesses’ best friends. Besides how on earth can you expect rapid action from me if I would have to struggle in my sari and 100kgs gold weight in addition to my own, to reach to you in your do-or-die situation. So expect something shorter and sexier sponsorships invited from label houses for fringe benefits.

  

~Pleasure would be made as the compulsory outcome for both involved in every sexual encounter.

~I would finish off with the institution of marriage-it is outdated and based on the assumption that there is a janam-janam ka saath, when it actually happens only in movies that man created.

~There would be an Automatic Realization System in-built in human bodies that would help an individual identify his hidden talents and vocation. It would save many years of burning the midnight oil in pursuing a goddamn career in something that you suck I don’t mean the whores here btw

  

~All couples would be given the prerogative to decide who between the two should bear the child-this because of some insensitive pricks who feel women do no earth-shattering task by producing kids and some very sensitive angels who want to share their wife’s pains.

~I would provide beauty in every eye of the beholder.

~I would relocate heaven and hell on earth and make God, that is moi visible and it would be mandatory for devotees to read her blogs and comment with profuse praise to express their shraddha, so as to be directed for a free one week plush stay in heaven or be burnt in hell till they do not do so.

So I’ll let you start with the last part first and also pray that the current Gods do not feel too insecure and at least appoint me on trial basis for a while for a better world-for you and for me and the entire human race.


P.S. THIS POST WAS AWARDED BY THE WRITEUP CAFE AS THE LINK OF THE WEEK!