The Dabbang Extravaganza

Happy birthday to the wittiest, sharpest, smartest, funniest kick-ass cutest person in the world! Nopes, contrary to what you may assume here, I am not articulating birthday wishes to myself.

Earlier this month, my quaint, little town was subjected to its very own claim to fame- Salman bhai ishtyle. It was my brother’s birthday and we decided to live it up a little more than usual. So what started as an idea for a “hat-ke” birthday party, turned into a phenomenal milestone-ic bash. Since for now I am seriously deficient in inspiration to entertain you with my tumbling thoughts otherwise don’t thank your lucky stars too soon, I thought I’d share the pictures and let them do a bit of talking almost gripping my hand firmly here to stop me from my blah-blah nevertheless...ah-what the heck, who can stop the unstoppable!

Let me introduce my brother to my dear readers. Ankur Kapoor is thy name. Yes, there is something about that Kapoor surname that ensures sexy sigh, wish could say the same about Arora, although I am a firm believer of the syndrome ‘once a Kapoor, always a Kapoor’. Anyways, he’s just entered his third decade on Mother Earth and yet refusing to grow up I guess, it is in our genes, sue us but wait there’s more to prove that. He’s smart, charming, wit personified and generally the centre of attraction see, I told ya. And only his brain could have churned out ideas like you are about to behold here. Spreading across the pages, is his Dabbang effort- just when you thought you had had enough of Salman Khan this year, here’s more.

The birthday party was at a famous night club-Felix, which was refashioned to look like a jail, based on the Dabbang theme. It gave vent to his not-so-secret aspirations and illusions that he would have been another Salman Khan had there been no Salman Khan...er...whatever! And all the nitty gritties of the event were looked into with a keen eye, to make it a run-away success.

A whopping pull out at the entrance with his picture, announcing the party... full-size banners within asking, coaxing and almost threatening the guests to indulge...even the washrooms were not spared. There was a Chulbul Pandey ke sawari- a remodelled bike, which everyone thoroughly abused and misused by sprawling across it while being clicked. Also most of his friends’ pull-outs were adorning the walls although photo-shopped to style them as famous ‘bhais’. The bartenders were in police uniforms, there was a munni to show some jhatkas and matkas, friends who dressed to suit the occasion and also a photographer who bugged you each time before pressing the flash, by saying ‘bhaiyya ji...eshmyle phuleese’

So without further ado, let me allow you to feast your eyes not on me silly, I know I looked good

The Dhamakedaar Invitation

This was the washroom..the only time when I got to see what happens in the men's room

The big pull-outs, more like final warnings, warna...dikhchayan*that's the bullet sound by the way*

The Dabbang shot and the guys at it...a sucking good job!

That's my bhaiyya ji at the entrance...well, unka welcome ishtyle

No one could help being Salman Khan of the day and well, acting like him too

Look what was done to an otherwise super handsome face

Alrite, I know I was not dressed for the occasion, but someone had to be thoda hat-ke na?

Me n G, before the jaam began to flow

Please do not miss the "shauchalya" here n yes, us posing before it as though it was Christian Dior instead

The famous n soon becoming defamed-Chulbul Pandey ki Sawari

We do take the theme seriously now, don't we?

The "wanted" ads behind which are not to be taken seriously though, warna bhai log bura maan jaayenge yaar

Yes, the cake too..now did I eat the eyes or the lips...no prizes for guessing;-)

Stay Dabbang!

The Maid of Honour

Yes, I am on a desperate look out for a maid of honour.
In fact it's almost like-Gori ho kaali ho...ya nakhare waale ho...kaise bhi dila de!
And before my dear readers a handful of whatever is left decide to jump onto the conclusions bandwagon...
Nopes, I have not altered my sexual preferences!
And also nopes, I am not planning to walk the aisle again!
G and me have decided to stick along to each other- he says he doesn’t make enough money to get married again and I feel I have drained out of ideas and inclination to turn another guy into a hen-pecked husband.
So that’s about it for the love story.

And then the “maid of honour” you ask?

They say it takes a thousand workers to build a castle, a million soldiers to protect a nation but just one woman to make a happy home.
Let’s be grateful and show our deepest gratitude to our
KAAMWAALI!

Yes, the maid in question here is a maid/domestic help/nanny for my one year and three months old whirlpool of a daughter. Ignorant people of the world, people who have no children yet would never understand how crucial this one woman can be in the lives of women all over. Ask me, I have been guilty of mocking such poor sufferers and hence perhaps condemned to bear the crushing shackles of their torment as my penance. And now although I am at the brink of hiring just about anybody to prevent me from premature balding by tearing my hair apart, yet I am praying for someone honourable to fill the post...honourable bole to who would not desert me now till death do us part modern times woes-maids share an equal and prime slot of significance along with the spouse. Sad but true-often you can manage without the husband being around but oh no, not without the maid-blasphemous thought!

In the last nine months of having Seeya with me, two maids have come and gone alternatively and this because every month they conveniently decided to sit at home for around a week to ten days, without any notice they should train this race for more loyalty and selfless service, I tell you. This brings me back to the grind every fortnight or so, just when I begin to get smug that my life is finally settled and about to be on the roll and I can don my avtaar of the super star, super sexy, super mom writer of this millennium...tch, tch!

I would like to think I am a super nice employer but perhaps they would beg to differ, or perhaps they know it and hence take me for a ride when I mentioned I love rides, dear Lord, you should have asked me before manifesting it in this way in my life.

So now there is no maid again from the last 16 days, 5 hours, 15 minutes and 30 seconds and this is how my life is- You can discover me anytime, not bathed till almost 12 noon (this is huge because no one ever saw me in my nightwear until now, except of course G), running between getting her dressed to making her do her potty. My god, I never realized someone else’s bowel movements would govern my life so decidedly some day that I would spend half my waking hours and half of subconscious dreams in fretting about- patli aaye ya kiss colour ke aaye...kam aaye ya itne zyaada kyon aaye...ya phir simply kab aaoge maharani ji...phew!

It’s been ages since someone’s hands touched my body, for a massage that is, and this latent craving rises within every time I drench my hands in almonds soaked ghee to give a body massage to my little princess, who has made sure I give up my title of the big queen. For the erstwhile big queen then goes to clean and sterilize her bottles, wash and iron her clothes, boil her water and milk, make her khichdi and in all this while check her from chomping off the soap bar or putting a pencil in the electric socket or spreading the peas I am about to cook, in the whole kitchen, fascinated by the size of these new “balls”.

You would almost catch me doing the famous Dimple stunt from the flick ‘Bobby’, when I would run to the door to meet the arriving guest with one hand smearing the flour on my hair and leaving him mesmerized causing love at first sight. Ah, since no one better than delivery guys or the postman visits my humble abode, let’s give up on this thought bubble!

I am almost the modern day Superwoman, or so I’d like to believe, minus the red and blue outfit and the figure too actually and the ability to have soft flowing silky hair in the midst of the morning rush they are oily now thanks to lat jo I have to suljhao every time while oiling Seeya for old habits die hard, especially of settling the hair which are used to of dangling flirtishly on my face.

So I pack my husband’s lunch, see him off and return to sing “Sheila ki jawani” to get her to gulp down the milk before taking it all out in her pyjamas some ten times till it is time to feed her with it again. And my dearies, when I look at the clock, it ironically says just 1 p.m. Do you really want to hear about the rest of the day? I don’t want to relate it though, for the prolific writer Amitav Ghosh once said, “For great writers, the pang and jubilations of situations set in when they write about it”. So I’ll save myself from being a pain, you know where!

And best of all is my predicament, when I asked my bartan-dhone waale to baby sit her for two hours while I teach my students although I make sure Seeya sleeps through most of it. This because I burnt the midnight oil teaching Seeya words like Car, carrot, star, apple...which she now calls gaadi, gaajaar, eshtaar and aappale.

Maid...maid...maid...I am beginning to wonder now if there was any maid made for me or not. You know like Shahrukh Uncle says, ‘Koi na koi kahin na kahin hum sab ki liye bana hota hain’. So I am waiting for my knight in shining armour to come or rather knightess or whatever...

And every time I bow my head in prayer for the well being of my family, I also say a little prayer for me...no marks for guessing what THAT is!

A Mish-Mash of Emotions and People

Yes, a PHUNNY/FUN space this world is especially when you get into the observatory mode!

~Stand in an escalator going up and you’ll know what I mean.

It can be a purely sensual experience-one that involves all the senses.

A conflux of hundreds of influences and shades coming together or rather going up together!

~A hesitant newly-wed from the outskirts, on her virginal step to the big city “mall” making it almost like the ‘giant leap for mankind’. She’s dressed in a gawdy, loud manifestation of six yards of silk with a super fragrant gajra, adorning her long, jet black, silken tresses, plaited meticulously makes you sniff down at your own Chanel No.5 probably to ascertain who’s/what’s stronger. There’s a chunky, gilded mangal sutra tossing against her bosom that is filled with an equal bounce of thrill, along with an armful of marital circles termed as bangles let’s call them the marriage arsenal or cuffs as her situation may be. These bangles jingle with one another as they reflect the blinding mall lights which seem to fade before the glow of the “just married bliss” that fills up her countenance and ear to ear grin.

You watch with half annoyance and half fascination as she tries to take a step onto the fast moving planks and then hesitates, shaking her head with a visible fright that could match the one that she probably had on her first ‘golden’ night.

You see how her husband holds her hand so gently and yet assuredly and takes her on board, almost symbolic of what he’d be like in life even otherwise.

~And then again would be gym-going wanna-be’s in tight fitting t-shirts with rippling muscles that could give away at the first hint of pressure; Folded sleeves of the shirt, never mind the sweating armpits and adding to the burst of sad whiff, would be the chameli ka tel on their heads, that settles the side flicks in a gel-like illusion. They would be wearing sunglasses, never mind the interiors and standing proud on heeled boots that would creak even when they stand still. The gold printed on their clothes would make you want to wear eye protectors for yourself. And also wish you had got ear plugs too for defence against their on-the-mobile-phone, blaring verbal attacks termed as ‘conversation’ made more on your poor ear drums. 

I am not prejudiced against the have-nots, I just don’t understand why go out of your league to be what you are not. I would rather carry a good leather bag from the store around the corner than a fake Louis Vitton please mind the pronunciation as you read that surname, walking with a toffee-nosed air that says ‘look at me world, I am too good for thou’.

~In walks a teenager girl in the shortest of mini-skirts. She flaunts ‘a figure to die for and brands to kill for’-the embodiment of size zero, never mind if there’s no body to speak of as such. The pumps make her appear taller than her frame would otherwise allow, solving the purpose of standing up to the equally supercilious onlookers she would be aiming at. A ‘omg, wtf-blah blah’ on the mobile in one hand and locks of her hair being settled perennially with the other, she forgot perhaps that she might have to go up the stairs somewhere and have people below stretching their necks to find out if it would be their lucky day to get a peek.

*You make your way to the most happening lounge-cum-bar-cum-pub I never really understood the difference between each of them being claimed separately to fame, as though you would not be served drinks at a lounge that was not called a bar or as if there would not be a lounge to sit onto if the pub is not a lounge...ah, never mind. The party of the year is supposed to be taking place here with an elite theme and fringes to boot. A pole dancer and bartenders have been flown in for the occasion-the DJ has just returned from a successful stint in Singapore and thereby added another zero to his charging/changing figure. The swanky lights that cost a bomb for each bulb, the drinks flowing freely as though it was Ganga-jal and costing as though it was liquid gold, the over dressed and under dressed as in they look in dire need of clothes going by their current shreds. There is techno music that you cannot mouth to match and beats where you can do not much but gyrate as though the fits engulfed you.

The people there are swooning in your joy although they don’t care two hoots if it was your wedding anniversary or anniversary with another new dish by your arm. They are not interested in you but whether you would invite them to the next bash you throw. They inquire about who’s walked in and why Mr. X’s wife is giving so many pecks on the cheek to Mr. Z or even Mrs. Z. They fall over each other in the name of having fun and the men try to feel the bare backs of women out of their leagues taking advantage of the lack of inhibitions and maybe deciphering if they could have their chances now otherwise claim later “Ah, I was too drunk then to remember now...I hope I did not go out of line?”

And you wonder, being in the naive, vulnerable shelled inhibitions of that new bride on the escalator is better or being the uninhabited, exhibited, hip social bug at the next happening party?

Age is a relative term!

Contrary to what the mind set has drilled into us, age is not really an indicator of maturity and thereby wisdom and substance. We have heard people say umpteenth of times, ‘I am older and have seen the world’ and thereby implying you should blindly follow what they are advising. ‘How could you know better being younger?’ is the typical belief on which the society in structured.

Yet, experience and the number of hours spent on Mother Earth cannot always ascertain the sagacious streaks in an individual. A twenty year old in this decade is smarter than one when I was one. But the adult forum around these twenty years old is still as was before, wrapped snug in the hazy, self-conceived notion that their off-springs are never going to be smart enough to have the last word. And consciously or unconsciously it is telling upon the gullible minds.

Credit should be given where due. The newer generation has the one-up card of modern and pro-active learning up their sleeves. This makes them more street smart than worldly wise. Even in emotional matters, it is often surprising to see many of the early twenty somethings behaving better than those taking precedence by several decades.

Are we heading towards a more mature young force?
Or is the older group suddenly losing its dominance over precision?


Sense and sensibility is an individual thing and can be cultivated!

I can still be corrected for my grammatical mistakes by a twenty two year old college going blogger and in all humility I must graciously accept where I falter. I often get into arguments about the home remedies to be tried on Seeya, with many well-meaning relatives and even my beloved. I refuse to follow just about every counsel that is thrown my way just because someone with more gray hair, is dishing it out, custom-made, without even me soliciting it. I’d rather go by what the doctor says now than what you experimented with, many years ago with your siblings.

However, often not just the oldies but even many-a-children are getting ensnared into this fabricated idea that the elderly are better equipped to handle almost any predicament.

It is sad that often a vulnerable, young mind is led to believe by his parents that they are right in deciding the course of action of his life, irrespective of their personal successes or failures, but by credit of the fact that they seem to ‘think’ they are better positioned to take these decisions. Many youngsters are still opting for a vocation based on their parents’ sketching it out for them, rather than scribbling through vague lines to reach to perfection themselves.

You are pushed into the ‘marriageable’ circuit or ‘child-bearing activities’ because the adults pull your reins and feel it is high time. A surprisingly high proportion of boys and girls let the issue of a life partner be decided for them after a couple of bad ‘love’ experiences, having lost the faith in them and patience to wait and watch.

Age has nothing to do with proficiency. Twenty years spent in erecting a life for oneself, are not less to know what we want. Children are not always wrong and adults not always right. If you are smart enough to know between right and wrong, you should also become smart enough to know what is right and wrong for you; or else give up on yourself as a bad job.

There is something that we are not teaching our children, despite providing them with a plethora of hand-picked facilities and nuances. It is the Midas touch of self reliance that can turn every obstacle into a landmine of golden opportunities. They are so accustomed to decisions being taken for them, that when the onus comes on to their own shoulders, they find their steps hesitating, voice mumbling and mind fumbling. We are not giving them the strength to take their decisions or courage to take responsibility for their actions. We want them to move on in life and yet wait for them to get prodigal and return to us again so that our relevance is reasserted.

Next time someone turns around and tells you that he is older and hence better suited to express an opinion...please give him a piece of your mind too, of whatever age n make it is! Let the children be. We all learn by one own experiences more than by sermons of a hundred epiphanies heard. We all have to make our own paths and walk on them with our own legs...high time we use our own minds too and let others use theirs for their own bodies. Amen!

All that hoopla about Flirting-Sigh!

While rummaging around for Jawarhar Lal Nehru’s picture for the last post, Google brought to me some more interesting facts about his persona and extra-curricular activities.

Though I had sighed and cringed and pined in ‘Impressionable Reading!’ about his unfaltering loyalty and exemplary love, interestingly Google says Lady Edwina Mountbatten was not the only one who was flushed by his overflowing juices of mush, drenching many a women in ecstasy.

Hmm...Kya baat hain, Nehru ji, India’s very own n perhaps the only Casanova n charismatic Prime Minister.

The ‘stumbled upon’ post mentioned that Nehru could not help being an incorrigible flirt. Wow...path breaking-the man who wrote The Discovery of India, seems like he made many cute discoveries for his own wandering self too.

My first impulsive reaction to that was of OMG and I felt he just fell thud down from the enviable altar that I had unpretentiously sited him on.
On second thoughts*and thank god for them*I pondered over if it really was such a blasphemous sin to tarnish the poor guys’ super dapper clean stint otherwise?

Is flirting as bad as the general scrunching of noses that it evokes, followed by an unreasonable character assassination?
Could Nehru really help it, being in the enviable prime position that he was and thereby privileged to come across the crème of the society?
Many of these would have been women who were distinguished in exceptional lady like graces and would evoke praise even from their own gender...and in such a predicament, my friends....kya hua body Prime Minister ke hain to...aakhir dil to bachcha he hain na ji!

I have never tried to be a hypocrite and hide the fact that I love to flirt.
I often cite it as a favourite hobby where I feel the listeners would not be shocked into an untimely demise caused by irreversible stroke of heart failure.
Occasional flirting keeps me alive...my creative juices flowing and provides me the mind games that keep me at the edge.

And I don’t pretend to do it under covers, I make my beloved stand with me and watch me play and watch him smile.
He knows he would never find me in a bevy of ladies twittering about the mundane, but in a circle of men, bursting into guffaws for I would be enthralling with a tease*sigh for those days too as post Seeya my reins seem to suddenly go in a heartbreaking state of restraint...my own heart breaking that is, rather than of anyone else*

Of course though in most cases it is harmless and more of ‘blah, blah’ big talk than thunderous and volcanic “actions”!
*Look at my comment box for example...I never miss an opportunity!*
And whenever it has fringed on being harmful to my mangal sutra and maathe ka sindoor, I let the urges pass by and sigh some more.
*What the heck...as if by sighing less I would reduce the global warming...so I sigh to my heart’s content...er...discontent...whatever!*

My point is...why does flirting harbour in the territory of negative discretion by the so-called social guardians?
With education and self dependence, opening up of minds and perceptions, it is a very natural urge to impress the opposite sex into a belief that you are a cut above the rest in your gender.

It is an unsurpassable ego boost to have someone intellectual, be inclined to hear you for he finds you interesting enough to hold a conversation*of course in case of men, let’s say the ego boost would come by someone sexy as hell, inclined to see you for she finds you interesting enough to bed...and there we sigh again! Please don’t keep a sigh count in this post....numerically that would be a challenge and hence this statutory warning for I like my readers to have a furrow free mind*

Another point of dispute here would be the very definition of flirting.
One man’s dip may be another man’s drowning*ah...what a mind-blowing twist in the proverb...giving the world a new, blaze a trail theory...
I am so damn good that I sometimes scare myself only*

Like take me for example*yes, a scapegoat again for the experimentation to derive onto pioneering conclusions that alter the destiny of mankind*
What I term as flirting you might deem as just interesting and intriguing conversational skills and if you are crass and unintelligent and pseudo-modern, you might call me a kalank to naari-jaat!

I like to hold the interest of a man in my conversation...
I sometimes let the laughs flow like a natural cascade and smiles to remain a permanent fixture on my pretty face.
And I might unwittingly ask you questions that show my genuine interest in you. Contrary to what my blogs project, I am a better listener than a talker.
I notice, I sometimes bat my eyelids a little too innocently or use the signature handshake of my softest of hands to make a point.
As if making these things ain’t enough I also make the wittiest of repartee and rebuttals without wasting a moment of thought on it.
My voice sometimes becomes huskier than usual and somehow a twirl of a lock of hair playfully dangles down my forehead.
Alrite, maybe I don’t use all of these arsenals together but I have seen them being used and win many a quaint battles.

Of course also these are observations and not conscious deliberations.
But the frequency of these naturally occurring behaviour patterns, made me stumble upon the idea that may be I am a natural flirt and these instinctive urges flow out without so much as even an effort required from my side.

Like I said...some may deem that as just dipping my feet in the troubled waters and others might rip me apart for having the waters gone past my head already.

Flirting is an integral thread of the fabric of today’s society and anyone out there with a reasonable amount of impression made has used it to reach where he is...consciously or impulsively...in greater degrees or less...garbing it in the array of charm or flaunting it in the wake of his sexuality.

So can the moral police please rest in peace and let the flirt games begin!

P.S. I do have some standards too...so flirting with the author in the wake of this post, without the essential back-up of my list of requirements may be injurious to your health.

Impressionable Reading!

It is amazing how sometimes some things that you read move you to the core n stay with you long after your eyes have waded though those written words that blot the paper.

I remember reading Ritu Beri, the famous fashion designer somewhere...
She was invited to a high flier brunch by one of her English friends.
She reached the quaint suburban villa to see about a dozen ladies sitting pretty and twittering little nothings around a round table.
Ritu was led by the gracious hostess to her seat and slowly the chit chat began. She introduced herself to a lady called Danielle and after the pleasantries, Ritu unconsciously harboured upon how tough she was finding it to manage work n social calls and her home, due to the fact that she had recently had a baby.

After sometime of whining n blabbering on her harsh calls, she suddenly stopped short and a little embarrassed, when she realized she had spoken so much about her troubled state of affairs to a stranger and muttered an apology saying she won’t really understand it.

Then Danielle remarked, “No, I wouldn’t...I am just raising nine of them.”
She was not just any Danielle you would find on the prim English streets.
She was THE Danielle Steele-the fêted author of uncountable mush drenched, best sellers. Those were top selling books that she wrote between changing diapers and singing lullabies for nine babies...omg!

How bloody beautiful is that, isn’t it?
Makes you feel so small for whimpering about ‘me, me, and why me’ in the face of the mildest brush of a storm.

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I also vividly remember leafing through somewhere about the ‘mute romance or really?’ between Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru and Lady Mountbatten, the better half of the then Viceroy of the British-India Empire, Lord Mountbatten, apparently in the latter’s full knowledge and perhaps approval.

She was a striking embodiment of all the British suave and nuances and he, the charming leader of millions...an eloquent speaker and an unparalleled wizard of words.

It is said that after a very brief encounter of secretly admiration and then perchance open confrontation to each other of the unquenchable undercurrent of an attraction...they were separated.
Not bogged by distance, Pt. Nehru wrote a letter EVERY day to Edwina till the rest of his days, laying bare his love-anguished heart and a suitcase full of these heart rendering mails was discovered after her demise.

Omg...can you imagine the intensity of such love?
The urgency of performing this as a sacred and unbreakable ritual despite having a million teething troubles of a nation just born on your head?
What an unfathomable exchange must have transpired between the two to evoke this allegiance in the fickle matters of heart!
Absolutely unsurpassable!

Even in this age of internet when doing so is possible just at the click of a button and if not a mail...even a phone message would certify*thanks to free messaging plans*...would anyone still do it and continue to do it every day till the very end?

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Another impressionable mention should be made of what I came across about Umberto Echo, a university professor at Bologna, Italy.
He taught for most of the day as well as wrote books on semiotics, children’s books, academic texts, essays and also the best selling fiction novel ‘The Name of the Rose’ which had sold 10 million copies in those times. His written output is staggeringly large and he had acquired the equivalent of intellectual stardom.

When asked how could he manage to do it all within the constraints of just 24 hours in a day...how did he find time?
Echo simply and enigmatically replied with a brilliant allegory and explanation. The world is made of atoms, with empty spaces in between them.
If we remove the empty spaces, the atoms could fill up perhaps just in our palm. Similarly he finds these empty spaces in his schedules which gave him the larger-than-life attitude.
Between the duration when a visitor would reach from the ground floor to his doorstep through the elevator, he said he would have written an article.
That’s the relevance of such fissures that each one has in his life no matter how break-neck is his agenda.
Some squander it away in waiting for the next thing to happen, some use it...squeeze it to the core to derive the next big thing!

If only I could ever write/suggest/relate something half as inspirational...my job here is done!

I Kinda Hate Growing up!

I kinda like being a grown up but I kinda hate growing up!

Sometimes I resist growing up...
For it means giving up on
~The thought that books could actually teach me all.
~That Santa Claus does descend with joys n hence I left my door ajar in the freezing night with the biggest stocking I could find, by my bed side.
~When I watched over EVERY act of mine for eventual accountability, dreading that heaven n hell does exist, even if they were not on the map.
~When I convinced myself that my life sucked for I had no real best friend like on the series F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
~When the only thing I was responsible for were the grades at school.
~When it was not drilled in, that you could yearn only as per what you earned.

~When birthdays were big and little gifts-bigger.
~When getting wet in the rain was as simple as just extending your step out under the open sky.
~When even a little loose change in the pocket was enough to give me a sense of security.
~When ‘Branded’ was a term used to imply types of television, refrigerators or stereo sets and the likes.
~When you kept getting up to check your bed sides for a phantom after watching a horror movie.
~When I believed fervently that my parents would never die.

~When journeys were begun without the process of working out the destination n path details.
~When I didn’t have to think so many times before making a mere phone call.
~When I believed that manipulative people would LOOK evil and if you keep doing right there is no way wrong would come your way.
~When patting your back was not an extension of back biting.
~When I asserted only perishable products had a shelf-life and not relationships.

~When I could just break down before my mother instead of pretending to be brave.
~When a tear itching the heart was not masked by the explanation of something itching the eye.
~When ‘logic’ was a big word that you had little to do with.
~When you could do whatever made you happy without the fear of being deemed as childish.
~When you said what you felt rather than what you felt would be preferred to be heard.

I kinda like being a grown up but I kinda hate growing up!

Missing the Kissing!

I remember preaching to you guys on the art of kissing.
If you do not...get enlightened all over again in my post “IT’S IN HIS KISS”

And I am back to KISS again...
Actually I’d prefer back to KISSING rather than to KISS or back-kissing or...er...never mind and in everyone’s sanity n better interests, let’s not discuss what “I” prefer anyways.

What’s with people now-a-days indulging in so much concentrated activity of the lips?
Ghor kalyug, I tell you!
Whooosh!
My little Seeya is growing up n it kinda bothers me.
I mean in such a scenario, you can’t have her mom being tempted by such blatant show of indulgences to deviate, can you?
Ya...I know, you know what I mean!

Yes, look around and anyone is kissing everyone or at least someone and new year’s eve is the worst time to witness such shameless outbursts of tendencies in human species much to the annoyance of those who don’t get much or enough...alrite, more than enough of it*so I am greedy...sue me!*

Gross...helloooo people, get a place for such acts that screw the happiness of lesser mortals, living with an occasional peck on the cheeks in their everyday humdrums or at least not such that take our breath away...EVERYday.
And what in God’s name is wrong with these heroines n heroes...inke ghar mein baap, bhai, ma, behen nahi hain kya?
All of them are so engrossed in lip locks that can put even the famous Raja Hindustani to shame.
Gone are the days when females squirmed watching onscreen passion in shame of those sitting around her...it is now shame of having no one to try on what you see, that is more ghastly!

And you frustrated directors-those kisses are so well focussed and zoomed in and excruciatingly prolonged that they keep us half awake half the bloody night, twisting n turning on our bed.
Who in god’s name is accountable for all that sighing that this evokes?
You are indirect contributors to global warming...bhagwan ke ghar jaake in sab ka hissab dena padega manushya.
*Okay, time for me to shut up with my lambasting before I sound frustrated*


What is with women/girls n kisses?
~We can never have enough of them*I mean I can be smooched all day n still feel it was just testing n tasting...bring on the main course*!

~With many n most of us, a good kiss is as good as the climax, of the entire act that is! If you want to go where no man has gone before, try looking for the entry on top of things instead of getting to the bottom. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach n to a woman’s is through her lips. Any woman who denies that has never been kissed the way she should be.

~We always measure a guy’s credibility in areas otherwise through his expertise in using his lips*I am even worse, I often measure the entire guy just by a look at his lips-the lips can tell it all. And please don’t ask me more on the “measure” part* A good kisser is a lambi race ka ghoda for sure n period.

~The way a man kisses also reveals how many women he has kissed...ha, gotcha! You men think unlike women you have no tell-tales...hehe...think again. Yes, it can...for free demo please contact the owner of this site especially n only if you have full protruding delicious pink lips*and extra-stressed ‘only’ if you belong to the male gender. Women only get enlightment n no demos...call me biased, but that’s how I am*

~A kiss can unlock unknown portals of the mind n if you are lucky, also of the body*why do you think women close their eyes when they kiss, eh...time to open other things else...mmmm. If she has her eyes open n watching u, she’s not ready yet*

~Most guys suck at kisses...I mean literally n otherwise.
Many feel there’s something to eat when they open their mouths and get down to it*no puns intended*
Many have such overflowing juices by the mere brush of the lips that all those juices end up flooding your mouth....isssshhhh...the feeling of getting your mouth stuck in an unset jelly bowl is very creepy...
A bad kisser is definitely a no-miss-er;-)

Okay...so let’s ask you guys...
What has been your most memorable kiss?
What’s your kissing style?
And how do you please your man/woman/both with those things god bestowed you with under your nose?

I know you are dying to know my best kiss:
Well, at the risk of being shameless and almost flaunting it here...
I remember this one time when I was pinned against the wall and the lip lock lasted for so long that I literally got out of breath and was gasping.
It left me with such swollen lips that I could almost give Angelina Jolie a run for her money-a gentle brush of the lips that started with a pull of the lower lip, went on to a tender suck at the upper lip and then the closing in on the entire mouth and the tongues taking over in a mad frenzy rush!
Aaaaaaaaand there I go again...showing to the world why this blog needs an A-certificate:-)

But OMYYYYYYYGAAAAAAWD....I need a kiss now!
So do u mind me signing off...kisse ke zindage n maut ka sawaal hain!
Happy kissing in 2011!
Muwaaaaaaaaaaah!

From my mahaan random sense of Observation n Understanding!

Here’s a collection of some random mad thoughts that have occurred to my great mind in routine observation n experience. If anyone benefits by these, the owner takes no liability for it n any resemblance to sense is purely coincidental n not intentional!

First love is the hardest to give up...
Unless you get married to him, that is!

Men mentally undress women...
Women, mentally post-mortem them!

You don’t need to throw away the knives of the kitchens...
I may be super sharp...but I don’t cut!

There are two ways of doing something...
Do it my way or let someone else do it!

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth...
Damn it mom, you could have at least swallowed some utensil to give me a kick start in more ways than one!

When most men are “checking” out a potential chick...
They are also “cheque-ing” her out!

All relations should come with a ‘mute’ button setting and also the Facebook’s ‘invisible mode’ when you are for too long at the receiving end!

They say ‘Dance like no one’s watching’...wtf!
Then how would we know the difference between the loo n the dance floor?

‘We live only once’...
Thank the lord for THAT!

I have yet to see a man who matches my standards...
I have now stopped seeing...Better blind than never!

Most men like to listen...
To their own voices, that is!

Try yourself...you can never be too stupid, too trusting n too dependent!
You are bound to break your own record, time and again!

Making love requires lesser effort than making money
And derives better dividends!

It takes just a little something to shift focus from “life rocks” to “life sucks” and vice versa!

There is nothing sexier than a short skirt on a hot woman...
Yeah, read it right... “nothing” is sexier than even a short skirt!

Our ancestors were monkeys...
Would that explain why we chatter so much or why we grin without reasons sometimes or why we imitate?

I don’t believe in love at first sight....
Neither in love at first night!

‘And they lived happily ever after’...but after “what”?

The most sure shot first flirt line researched and concluded is:
“You have beautiful lips”.
What a mouth-watering way to open something!

The grapes are never sour...
They just aren’t worth it...when there are bananas n oranges n a plethora of other options available!

When I was a little child, I had big dreams and many aspirations...
Now I am a bigger and I remain that child still!

A funny line a man could say to a woman in bed:
“Make effort not an excuse”
A funny retort back:
“Make love with what’s defused?”

Since my skin is as smooth as butter...
I prefer men as sharp as knives!

A lonely woman’s mail to Santa:
Dear Santa,
Please don’t be the only man
To “come” to me at Christmas...
And “give” just gifts...
And “do” only ho ho...
And get stuck “in” the chimney instead of better places!

‘Dream a little dream for me’...
Ya rite...coz I have better things to do with my night!

Never trust a secretary that says: “What’s up?”
And a boss who replies: “Get down to it!”

P.S. Sorry to all my blogger friends...haven’t been able to read your amazing blogs or comment on them...or even on my own comment box.
Winters is keeping Seeya’s health on a see-saw n me on toes. Hopefully would soon be back in action!

Blanket blah-blah!

December and the freezing cold climate has kinda frozen my imagination or rather added sparks to its multi-faceted dimensions*still in the process of deciding which phenomenon is occurring really.
Work is process...watch this space*
I seem to be looking alluringly, greedily, almost lustily at
....
.......
............
My double bed blanket!
This after the fact that I just need five hours of sleep a day to keep me the way that I am but winters stretch that susceptible to availability of leisure n pleasure.

I mean is there anything cosier to venture into than a jumbo sized, satin draped, frilly infringed, quilted warm n soothing blanket?*for accurate conclusions here please rest your double toned minds otherwise what do you think “I” could not think of cosier things;-)*

Ladies n gentlemen, boys n gals,
Let me proudly introduce you here to my very own Mr Big blanket.
If extended to its full length n breadth, it would cover the entire bed space.
It is chocolaty brown n golden beige in colour...double fibre quilted with delicate velvet flowers embroidered in blocks.
I got it in my wedding from my dear parents who thought the idea of gifting a ‘single’ huge blanket would foster quicker relations between their coy daughter n shy son-in-law...hehehoho*devilish laughter*!
Little did they know that the duo in question need to blanket up the desires instead of fanning them with such casing notions!

But after the flames have simmered and it is time to rest in peace...The poor blanket then becomes a sort of bone of contention-A little (e)state over which two countries seem to be fighting like cats n dogs, being very careful not to tear the bone into shreds.

For the first year we behaved like newly-weds are supposed to behave.
We slept in this one blanket...within grasping reach of each other or subconsciously perhaps, neither of us was willing to sacrifice the prospect of giving up on this leisure cloud to settle for ordinary mortals...er...blankets.
With the passing years though, soon at night this would inevitably lead to a tug of war.
My dear beloved has a very annoying habit of wanting something to be kept under his legs while he sojourns into the exotic land of sleep.
And when my own legs*god help the poor souls*are not available to be crushed under the towering masses...two poor pillows on either side have to bear the brunt.

Actually to think of it now...sounds like Seeya needing two cushioned bolsters on either side of her crib when she is put to sleep to prevent her from bumping or falling.
But then what is my G afraid of-falling?
Anyways, me being too afraid of his “falling into” me...I let him torture the poor pillows so that all three of them can live happily ever after till it is wakey-wakey time again.

Actually to think of it now again a second time...reminds me of this ad of some Cadbury balls where this guy assumes in a thought bubble, having a girl on one side when he puts a pillow under one leg and then turns to take a karvat on the other pillow and another laddoo “footos” in his head assuming a threesome*that’s also me assuming by the way*...
Knowing G...quite possible!

Anyways...where were we again?
Ah...the tug of war at night!
So there was this one big blanket covering two big bodies*of G n me* and two big pillows in between. Not to mention G’s legs going high up n spreading like ‘a horse about to gallop over a rod’ position through most of the night and hence me being the Bharatiya abla naari...sufficing with whatever little space he would leave me with!
Eventually I only had to give the balidan...
I settled for a normal single fibre sad looking thing given by my mom-in-law...
I tell you the things bahus have to suffer still!
N every night I would get a few minutes into Mr Big n till my beloved’s bed was warm enough*if we translate that in Hindi, it sounds so gross...so I’ll refrain in public interest* n we cuddled enough to not lead to anything further...I would sneak back to my cold side of the bed. Tch, tch!

So like I mentioned in the last post...come December, I would almost wait for G’s touring, to trespass on that big thing without being prosecuted.
I would wriggle into n pat Mr. Big then, feeling the unabashed pride of having him all to myself.
I am not exaggerating...this blanket keeps so you comfortably warm that even if you sneaked in without clothes you’d feel well wrapped.
The offer is not open to demonstration so let me burst any thought bubble that may have surfaced.

Er...what is the purpose of this post again?
1. Just introducing you to a very special part of my winter life!
2. Mentioning the prospects of a good, healthy, in the sack life thanks to a good n robust blanket.
3. Sharing with you the disadvantages of being too magnanimous in your abla naari role n hence living shivering ever after.
4. Making a general plea to do good to humanity by giving me a cuddle now...blanket na sahi, friends to hain ek warm group hug ke liye.
Time to sneak in again...before Seeya pulls me out of it or gets into it for a feel too...somethings I tell you, they just don't change!

I miss You December!

Christmas is round the corner and this Christmas is making me kinda nostalgic.
From the last ten years, December has been a month that I spend in indulging n self pampering because my beloved is heavily touring during most of the peak winters*yes, I do wonder at his sense of timing too*.

December is the month then, when I would go out for coffee with friends...shop at the onset of “sale” across the counters...spend more time than usual with my students n get connected.
It also marks nights of me loving me.

I take out my double bed*got in dahej waale* soft satin cosy blanket and dig deep into it at the stroke of nine-ish each night for everyone would know her husband is not in town so she’ll retire early for the day.
I would have already checked in the morning in the newspapers*yes, that was THE only reason why I read them* what flicks would show on HBO or Star Movies*the only reason I view the idiot box* or if nothing suited my taste...get DVD’s of what did.
And from 9-11 n then again 11-1 n sometimes in sheer madness 1-3...I would sit before the television screen watching mush or suspense or simply nonsensical comedies.
I would even try semi horror is desperation days and then spend the last hour before falling into slumber in checking if someone is peeping from the other end of the bed or not.

There would be a big bowl of Act 2 popcorn or Lays chips sometimes*yes, the secret of me being in the shape that I am, is finally out ladies n gentlemen*...
Or a plateful of Maggie with Diet Coke loaded with ice*er..diet coz I would be on a supposed “diet”*
The lights would be dimmed...
There would also be my laptop on one side of the bed to write some blog post in case I feel inspired or to chat up with some lonely soul on Facebook after splashing all my madness on statuses.
Whoa...I would even do stupid quizes like ‘How sexy is your name?’ ‘When would you die?’ ‘What is your true calling?’ along with other insanities n even publish them to display how in need of a life I was!

A phone on one end*to yack with friends in case the ears n mouth felt too left out of the action while the eyes gulping down all the glory*...
The mobile on the other*btw conversing on sms when you get 500 msgs per day free is a great deterent to normal human social behaviour*...
A remote on my lap...for a CD playing in the backdrop...or visions appearing exotically on the screen...
I was almost a techie...hehe...well, almost!

N then at the day’s end*or rather the night’s* I would slowly cuddle up my own self n slide into a warm bed...missing my G a bit but feeling the ultimate pleasure of a week night well spent. It would be quite a contrary mood if the week day was substituted by a weekend n I’d be alone in the four walls then and in the mood of “life’s-not-fair”.

And often than never Life takes such a turn!
It’s been over five months of having Seeya.
One year now of she being on this planet!
No movies watched on the television during all these months of her sauntering into our lives.
Just four movies caught in the theatre*we watched a movie every Sunday n also during the weekdays if there were choices available...n now the average of one movie a month...tch, tch...ghor kalyug*
We have left Seeya alone just one night in five months for a party n two nights*half night actually* to watch two out of the four movies mentioned above.

Why am I relating all this here?
Coz December does not feel like December anymore...
No more bothered about how to look hot at the New year’s bash as I am so bothered round the clock about how to keep Seeya warm each moment.
No longer cuddling into the quilt but getting out of it every hour through the night to settle her layers in the crib, when she moans in sleep, to check if all is okay, feed her and make her cosy again.

No more luxury of taking steam baths at gym or sitting and frittering away time in the sun reading a best seller doing the rounds.
No more wearing new nail paints and watching them take their time to dry.
No more changing earrings to match with an outfit while going out or bothering to complement my purse to let it also breathe in fresh air out of the cupboard.

Yes, December has made me nostalgic!
December this year is not the same.
If you hear my sigh...I don’t know if I also ought to make you watch me hold my hand to my heart when she smiles n starts a new drama of her own.
I miss the stars on the screen or the narratives of authors opening the portals of my vivid imagination...
But then my little star twinkles a bit longer and suddenly the galaxy seems lit enough for now!:-)
But yes, good old days...
Often we do not realize how good a life we had till it swishes out of our hands for good!
Often we do not realize how good a life we are leading at present, till it also would swish out of our hand some day!

A Question that needs answers

What I am going to relate here is based on a true curious case that a very dear friend of mine is going through.
My aim in this narration is not just to come to a solution for him but also to perhaps seek larger answers that might help someone else in a similar situation. I have often maintained that the internet is a very dirty place to be in and this is another validation for the same.
Also dear friend, this in no way is an attempt to seek any kind of mileage through your misery.
It is in your greater interest and also my attempt to ask my wise readers if I have rightly or wrongly guided n guarded you in this case.

My friend *let’s call him Atul* comes from a largely traditional family...you may even call them orthodox and of the old school.
He is a young boy in his early twenties living in old Delhi. He is simple, god-fearing, homely and extremely gullible for he is good with others and naively believes everything in the world is basically n essentially nice. He has just this year started his career which looks promising owing to the fact that he is very dedicated, honest n hard working.

Atul is also a bit of an introvert.
I am surprised how I was allowed to let in on his confidence for he hardly mingles much even with a handful of his friends, let alone random strangers on the net. I got in touch with him through his blog n it’s been more than a good one year since we have been kinda best of friends.
I was the only second person he had added on his Facebook friends list whom he did not know personally after another guy-friend who shares similar interests with him, as he is a musician n Atul learns n practices music himself.
He is like a kid brother whom I feel very protective of for he is so out of the way nice that it is easy for others to take advantage of him.

A few months back Atul made a big disclosure to me.
He had been troubled often by some “problem” that he would refuse to discuss and after a lot of pestering I would give up for not wanting to invade his private space*though he himself would admit that he has no reserves with me*

Atul wrote a long mail to me in all his simplicity, for he felt he had no courage to tell this to me over the phone and since we are separated by many states, it is impossible to meet him to discuss what had been gnawing his mind.

Atul revealed to me that he might be a bisexual or perhaps gay.
I was shocked...not because I have any reservations against a person’s sexual preferences...but because someone who has never had much of an exposure to the outside world, would so emphatically come to this conclusion that he just might be different from the other boys. He has never been in any relationship, is shy of girls and boys both, let alone be in an intimate situation with anyone. But rather than arguing as to how he knows it so decidedly, I chose to first make him come to terms with it*I know my fault therein*.

He said he felt it was a "curse" and he had often cried about it alone at night and felt like running away to an unknown place.
He had not disclosed this to anyone out of fear of social malice n was almost certain that I would stop communicating with him after this revelation.
I was aghast at this ridiculous assumption!
I mean in this century and in these times...someone could still feel like THAT!
It is not a curse...it is not AIDS*n even if it was*...it is not contagious...it is not devilry or treachery!
Why the f@#% would I want to break my friendship with you because of what or whom you might like to get intimate with, in your personal space?

It took a huge amount of conviction from my end to make him feel that it was normal. If he felt like that, he should come to terms with it instead of burying himself in shame, though he would have to put up a facade before the social backdrop he came from, as they would never accept it. But that does not mean he should stop being what he was. Well I said a whole lot more...which is a separate issue altogether.
After hours and days of reasoning...he felt at peace in being who he was instead of cringing at the mere thought*I should have then only realized that something was wrong but I was more to comfort him than reason with him then*
But surely he knew what he wanted.

Then last month then came another news.
He told me he was going on a ten days trip with the foreigner friend of his who was coming to India and wanted to travel around.
Atul had mentioned this very dear friend*his first internet connect* on many occasions and how having similar interests as his, Atul was taught much by this friend, let’s name him Justin.

The moment Atul said he was going away alone with Justin, is when the thunderbolt struck me.
Atul n Justin were in a relationship.
N me being me, I confronted Atul full on and asked if my suspicions were true.
Reluctantly, he agreed that they were.
There was more than just friendship.

My dilemma now is that I am thoroughly convinced that Atul is absolutely straight.
He has no gay-ish or bisexual tendencies what-so-ever.
He has been convinced by Justin with whom he has been communicating on Skype, etc through the last two years that there is more than just friendship in this case.

Justin came in Atul’s life, when he had no friends and no social life really. Justin is older, in his mid thirties, a confirmed bisexual, been in many relationships and virtually jobless for he works only when he gets assignments.
Hence he was always online for Atul to feel Justin was the friend in need n indeed.
Atul avoided Justin’s initial advances and even expressed the impossibility of the situation.
But Justin was no new bird to be fooled by chaff.
He loomed around, long enough n persuasive enough to slowly impress upon the vulnerable sensibilities of my dear friend.
He showered attention n affection on this innocent soul when he struggled to fight that void in his life and soon got led into the belief that they were meant to be together.

Atul is a conformist of the ideology that says there can be only one special someone in life and of course he is now assured that he has found that someone.
So torn between his family’s pressures to get married to a suitable girl of his community and his desire to escape, he accepted the proposal of a get-away and even got his super simple family convinced that they should let him have one trip to live his life before he gets churned by the domesticity of a nuptial knot.

He has confronted me with the information of his travelling partner after many of the arrangements already done. His parents have given a nod since his son has never asked for anything before and they feel that perhaps this might help him come out of his shell. They probably have never even heard of the “ridiculous” idea that a boy can fall in love with another boy. His elder brother is apprehensive but I am sure he feels extremely awkward about mentioning it directly to him.

I have told Atul a firm NO from my side for the trip.
I feel that he is being used by his so-called friend and Atul has a 100% chance of leading a “normal” life if he does not allow this deviation to cross his path.
Justin being a whole lot more experienced knows how to get young boys to believe that this is a soul mate thingy.

Even if his feelings are genuine, he’s been with scores of people before.
On the internet we show others only what we want them to see!
We don’t know what diseases or drugs he is bringing on board.
We know that Atul is not strong enough to resist his advances and being in closed rooms of hotels with him for ten days is like walking ahead on the axe.
His family would never accept his living with another boy, so there is no future in this what-so-ever.
And he is so morally sound n family rooted, that he would not be able to live with the idea of his family resenting him for anything.

If he goes for this trip, I fear he would return even more confused about his sexuality. It could mar his susceptible mind for good.
It might spoil his chances of trusting again.
He has had crushes on girls through college life, though never had the guts to approach anyone even for basic friendship.
He has not been attracted to any other boy except Justin.
Justin could be with boys whomever he likes...Atul is just a virginal, pure soul that is difficult to find in the modern times and hence the attraction there.
Atul has already given his consent to his parents to look for a match for him, partly due to which they agreed to send him on the trip.

Please tell me if I am over reacting or over fearing for this dear friend.
Please tell me if this trip scheduled in January would actually do him good and I should just shut up?

You!

A harried morning and a rude awakening...
The skirmish with cold, biting wind,
The empty coffee-jar manifesting my hollowness...
Even biscuits turning away to go soggy,
The water not running n the head still groggy,
The dependent baby wailing
And the dust laden railings
All needing attention urgently
All glaring demandingly...
And in between it all...
YOU!

Work deadlines bulldozing the rising waves of living
The clock scampering too fast,
The same drab clothes in the wardrobe
The glum n lumpy almost synonymous bag!
The mirror telling me to stop and breathe,
Invisible reflections of better days appear mockingly.
A wry smile n worried lines few,
The eyebrow not done, n a shampoo over due...
N yet after this all...
YOU!

The world pointing fingers
Expectations turning to dust,
Self introspection getting nastier
And games of people dirtier,
When one wonders at the sagacity of it all...
Wonders what one did wrong.
Futile searches numbing the senses
When the all pervading fake gets nauseating,
A million questions, a zillion confusions,
And only rising in it all
YOU!

When faith becomes just a word,
When perseverance a test
When laughter an illusion
When emotions get meshed
When I analyse should I go on or just give up?

YOU rise from among the ashes, with zest you ooze
Like a Phoenix raising its engulfing wings to soothe!

You grip my hand firmly just when I am about to gaffe,
You wipe that tear just when it is about to blur my vision.
You tell me it will be okay, when you know it is beyond repair
You show me the ways of hope when I languish in despair.
You hold me tight, you treat me right, you teach me to fight.
You give me smiles, just when I am about to lose them to the infinite.
You guide n lecture...worse than a parson, cause you get me so convinced
You make me realize time n again
That my life is worthwhile...

YOU MAKE MY LIFE WORTHWHILE!

Seeya's update

Well, for all of you who’ve been asking me what Seeya’s upto...
Here’s a quick update*okay, I know you are wondering...since when is “quick” four pages long...but then you know me by now...I hate briefs*;-)

My bundle of joy has now turned 11 months n a half n still a mini tornado in the making!
All my life I have detested mothers who have nothing better to do than rant hysterically about their kids activities that helloooo we just might not be interested in listening. So to save my ass from being a pain for all those around me, I hereby tell you guys about her sweet nothings and get it off my chest.

Item numbers seem to be the flavour of the season...
Why I feel so...my daughter’s favourite songs at this time of the year are ‘Munni badnaam hue’ n now ‘Shiela ki jawani’
A wee bit restless at the development...I frown at her each time she watches these songs on the idiot box with rapt attention that could put even the best of my focused students to shame.
And when I say ‘Seeya...’-ignored.
‘Seeeyaa...’-disinterested.
‘Seeeeeyyaaaaa...’-deaf for all she cares.
‘Seeya, Seeya, Seeyaaaa...’
I finally get her to turn her head at me...but look at me with complete contempt as though thinking,
‘What mom...you made my eyes turn from THAT to YOU?’
And so she returns back shaking her bums on the beats or jerking her head in a surprisingly professional attempt of being the next hip hop star!
She just has to hear music and her lower half breaks into something that tells us that with time she’s going to break some bones in dancing her guts out.

I have been teaching her new words n actions n generally a whole lot of stuff so that I can flaunt her off to interested onlookers at how much she knows.
You know how automatically the class begins for the poor little ones, in front of family n friends because selfish parents want to beam with pride when people watch all amazed at the antics...our very own monkey show, that’s free of cost!
I do that too*sue me, judge me*
She can say a ‘Ram, Ram’ to you with folded hands*do I see a raised eyebrow in admiration?*
She says “Jai” in front of the temples n raises her hands high asking god ji to make her itnaaaaaaaaaaa bada!
*Not still impressed, are you? Where are my arsenals?*
Seeya has learnt how to nod her head in a ‘yes’ n not just once but at least three to four times in one go to make sure what she demands is presented to her at once or send her mommy to the deathly gallows or feed her to the hungry tiger types!

She also does a “no” movement with that same little head, but that comes at the misappropriate time when we ask her to eat and sleep or when we tell her to still sit or mum for a while.
She does a pat on her head to show “offo”
And a palm on her mouth to indicate “haaaw”*don’t ask on seeing what!*
*I am so loving this shameless display of my teaching skills*
She can tell you where her eyes n nose n ears n tummy n bums are*okay, no Einstein here, but try teaching something to an eleven months old...phew! I’d rather teach Shakespeare to my class 10th students*
And no one taught her to but she can put her hand in the ladies kurtas to look for I don’t know what! We’ll just have to wait her to grow up and unlock the mystery.

I had been teaching her from a while to put a finger on her lips and say “chup”.
But in vain...
Cut to last Sunday when we took her to a children’s zone called ‘Fun City’ and there she had a blast looking at the swings n rides n teddies n generally all the stuff that makes you feel ‘wtf did we do as children, without these’...
After almost an hour plus of the gallivanting there I asked my mini beloved,
“Seeya, ghar chalen?”
And she glares at me n with some split second Lara Croft jerky action says “chup” to me and looks away...
Omg...the nerve of you one footer n even less...
:-)

No one’s ever raised so much as a finger at her, but ask her mummy kaise pitai karte hain n she’d hit her head with her little palms...
Et tu brute...ah...never mind...yeh moh maya ke sansaar mein aur expect bhi kya kar sakte hain na!

She has the ability to watch the television non-stop without blinking her eyes for almost one minute...
Do you think I should contact Limca Book of Records?
Maybe she’s the youngest to do that the longest...
And I am sure if we push her with advertisement of teddies n 9XN ke really dumb promo cartoons...who knows, we might have a genius in the making!
Only this genius would be a little misinterpreted...
No one other than the mum would interpret her as one!

She’s not interested in dolls...they get their heads sloshed off by her.
She prefers animals instead...never mind if she eats up their tails or breaks their limbs.
Give her a toy with light n sound n see her smile.
Look away for a second n return to find her opening the back side to look for batteries n wires*omg, do you think she would carry forward the torch of technical brilliance that her mom enlightened the world with?
Okay, wishful thinking time over*

She’s a smart cookie too.
She knows when she is being forcefully made to put to sleep, as I curl her tight in my arms and swing her from side to side...
At that time, she would repeatedly croon “mumma” or smile at me or trace my nose with her tiny fingers to distract my lullaby*maybe the lullaby is so horribly pitched that it keeps her from sleeping...should look into that*
She would call “papa” or “mumma” again n again if she feels you are not giving her the attention that she deserves*that is keep all your eyes on her and talk to her or do some clowning around to entertain Her Highness without flinching even for a second*

She likes to put her hand in the powder puff box n spread it...
She likes to put her mouth into the baby cream nozzle n devour the extracts...
She loves the newspaper which she can tear into bits n parts suitable enough to go in her mouth.
If she meets a new kid, her way of greeting him or her is by putting her fingers in his eyes...whoa, some fixations! I need to remind her the upteenth time then that he is a living human being n not one of her blinking stuff toys.
I guess I still need to teach her the right usage of body parts and their functions.

I scolded her once*just once* with the maximum of a little raised tone when she was creating foam of spit in her mouth repeatedly..
Maharani ji went over to the pillows on the side of the bed and sprawled there tummy down and looked away from me with a hint of tear mixed with wrath in her eyes...
The modern day “kop bhawan” people!

Did I tell you how she has the habit if getting up at odd hours of the night for her rejuvenation is over and her batteries now need an hour of playing with her, no matter if the hands of the clock are stuck somewhere between 3 and 4 o’clock?

And please do not bring her within striking distance of dogs...
She might be injurious to their health...yes, even the most ferocious ones, for she might just cuddle them to death.
And beg n plead n groan as much as you may...she might give you a hugggy only if it suits her fancy or you have promised her to take her out for “ghoomy ghoomy” that is for an outing!
She views sleep as a waste of precious time as though she’ll miss some action n so at the first hint of a wake up time, she would not waste time in slowly opening her eyes or taking an angdai aka Hindi film heroines, but sit upright on her cot or stand in a jiffy holding her cot as though some Major of the army somewhere shouted “attention”!

That’s my Seeya, Ladies n Gentlemen, boys n girls...
She has the softest of cheeks
And the cutest of melting smiles.
She can do enough drama to make Shakespeare proud n befool us all.
She is the apple, cherry, banana n the entire fruit basket of our life.
So until further developments, watch this space!
:-)

The Trial Room!

This has to go down in my history as a landmark epiphany!
Somebody had once asked me...does madness trail me or I trail madness?
I still don’t know who is doing what...but I do know that I have the god’s grace n disgrace to find myself in situations that make me a butt of laughter for my cute readers that is thou, my friend.

Zooming into a mall...crowded n throbbing with activity and like I would relate to you...also some action!
I pick up loads of stuff to go and check them out in the trial rooms*one of those days when “50% off” signs on the counters make you lose your sense and rationality and you grab anything that touches your fingers*
The long moustached uniformed guy at the end of some six cubicles of the trial area looked questioningly at me seeing the stuff on my hand n shoulders and some even pinned under my chin, as though I would set up my own new shop in that stupid trial room.

He counted...
“Madam, you can’t take 14 pieces together...please take 3 at a time and I’ll hand over the rest!”*translated from Hindi to English*
But 3 multiplied by 5 makes it 15*yes, I distribute knowledge wherever possible*...at least let me take 5 at a time and that way just 3 trips and the whole mall profits by the time I save....
But how can you expect a security guard to understand accounts n economics...duh, I tell you!
I first take in the 3 “stuffs” that I wouldn’t want HIM to hand me over.

No amount of my smiling n whining n ‘phuleeze, I have a baby at home and I must do this fast’ worked on him...
Alrite, don’t look at me like that...these 14 pieces were the first 14 pieces of god made cloth that I would be taking to the trial room after six months...the first in my history of existence of sorts...
And this after I could get the vibrations of the malls sending me sighs n moans saying they missed me...

Anyways...so there I took the fifth cubicle, the second last one in that row and started to undress...
Oye...it was no ‘husn ke laakhon rang...kaun sa rang dekhoge’ types!
Nopes...not for what you think...or rather...what you don’t think...or then again...please don’t think...Mein hoon na...
Saare duniya ke liye sochne ko!

And suddenly I hear moans...
Not the mall moaning to me...
But an actual human being as though whimpering...
And I thought someone was gasping...emergency...someone’s dying...severely asthmatic...having a heart attack...claustrophobic*never mind if the cubicles were open from top*
Okay, okay...I didn’t really think any of that!
You know how I think by now...
Yup, I imagined someone being laid!
And then told myself to stop being so one track minded always...
This was the ladies trial area and these are all women out here and the mouschy guy would not let me take an extra piece of cloth, how would he let someone tag along an extra piece of male flesh inside?

So I gently tapped on the common wall...
“Excuse me, are you okay?”
And the moans stopped.
I thought whoever was in there...must be okay...or died or whatever as I have a baby at home remember...
So I must rush with my job out here n get out.

3 clothes n almost-clothes down n all rejected...
Why don’t they make clothes that make you look thin...er...thinner than you are?
I get out almost like Jhansi ke Rani at having precious little five minutes wasted on useless tops and having to dress back again n go to that nerdy guard and beg for the next 3.

I get back again n as soon as I take off my kurta...voila!
The moans reoccur...
My James Bondish instincts arouse as I look around for hidden cameras...yes, I can be duh enough to assume that someone has fixed a camera there and a microphone in his own cubicle so I can hear him moan while he sees me unclothed! I would put Einstein to shame, I tell you.
Sue me...I cannot be 100%brilliant at short notice all the bloody time...
I may have super-human abilities...but at the end of the day...I am also only a “human”!

Now that there were no cameras...and I was assured the moans were from the next cubicle...I decided to save the earth by taking the baton in my own hands...
In this case, the ‘baton’ was a small stool that was kept there and ‘my hands’ would be more like my feet... I decided to venture my magnanimous foot on it to take a giant leap for mankind and save a dying soul who is gasping so much that she can’t even squeak out for help.
So what if I can’t fly like Superwoman...I can at least peek...
It’s the thought that counts not the flying abilities anyways.

I get up and take a peek and...and...and....
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....
Two human beings or so it seemed were crammed up or rather ‘up and down’ in that teeny weenie space doing what we normally need a bed space to do...
Nopes dodos...they were not sleeping n snoring...
They were actually making love...
Thankfully they were clothed on top and the bottom graphics were hazy due to top view that I was getting...
So I did not get grotesque imagery to live with me for the rest of my life...
Real life Indian, very F grade porn-F bole to fail n faltu...no, thank you!

But then...whoa! huh! How?
I use the stool to support humanity and they use the stool to support butts!
People...get a life...this is a trial room for crying out loud...
Try these kinda “fits” somewhere else...phuleeeeeeeeeeeeze!
Actually to think deeper about it*not that I want to but then I am so dedicated to your service of enlightment that I make these sacrifices always*maybe they were not making out...
But they WERE DOING SOMETHING....n to think any deeper would make this whole thing even worse!
A different deeper though...I am also wondering at the genders of those within, for I had jumped down in a split second after the sighting...too aghast to hold my ground!

So let’s just say...I shared another of my ewwww moment with you...
I rushed out n pointed towards the last cubicle saying...
“Wahan kuch hain?” for lack of any better exclamations...
And he tells me...
“Oho, madam aap baaki ke sab clothes ek saath le jaayeye....and yeh first waala khaali ho gaya...yahan jaayeye na!”
O MY GOOD GOD!
And needless to say, it was the first time I did not shop anything despite the 50% off tag beckoning alluringly at me!
I was in too much rush n distaste to get out of there!

Statutory warning: The stunts performed in this post are done by seemingly experts n professionals...trying them on your own without guidance can be extremely injurious to your health and those of peeping Toms around you!