Grow up People, I am two now!

I often wonder what must be going on inside a child’s impressionable mind...my child's  mind rather. Here I try to unravel what I think that my two years old Seeya could possibly be thinking in that little brain of hers, hell bent on mischief:

~On Sheila ki Jawani:

Alright, I am supposed to ask people ‘What’s my name?’ ‘What’s my name?’ ‘What’s my name?’ if I want them dancing around me like that and perhaps also being dumb would help.

~Hearing adults asking her to sing a song/poem:

Will you please cut the cowshit? And then they wonder why some girls grow up to be item numbers!

~When I and G hush-hush if she walks into the room suddenly:

It’s a good thing we are not expected to knock and enter-education should start early;-)

~Watching her papa put only coins in her piggy bank and spending a big, red crisp note on dinner:

My parents’ financial investment really sucks!

~Watching an on-screen kiss:

In an innocent moment: I think this uncle and aunty do not have napkins and don’t want to dirty their hands so they are licking off the Cerelac from each other’s lips.

In a mischievous moment: Mommy, will I be able to do THIS also when I turn eighteen as you say I’ll then be big enough to put lipstick and nail polish?

~Seeing me undress sometimes*yes, necessity is also the mother of changing*:

Why do I have to wear such long drab papa jaise vests while mommy’s is lacy and short and colourful?

~Watching dogs indulge in doggie style*you can’t avoid those when you go for evening walks every day*:

Mom, so this is what you mean when you say, ‘don’t fight like dogs’? My god that back dog has defeated the under-dog and look how he’s kicking it now!

~When I point at the television set and tell her ‘Baby, this is Ranbir Uncle’:

I sit and fancy mommy getting a little stroke when someday I will bring Ranbir Kapoor home as the rockstar who would have given me THE rock...

~When she bears people who pull her cheeks:

Can I do the same thing with your pants?

~When she hears me talking on the phone:

“Kisse baat kar rahe ho? Kaun hain? Kya keh rahe hain?” I better follow religiously what papa said-Mumma ka dhyan rakhna...

~When she hears me mutter about growing fat and gyming:

Mommy, will you please stop trying to look like my elder sister...you are thirty years older for crying out loud?

~When I make her read books while she graces the shit pot:

And someday if the world blames me for my shitty ideas, I’ll know who to blame.

~When I hold her very tight and kiss her like a crazy woman:

Oh god, please send someone else for mommy to do this with before she crushes me with her overflowing affection!

~When I introduce her to older boys in the friends’ circle as 'XYZ Bhaiyya':

Mommy, just because your mommy screwed up your chances with half the eligible boys that you met as a teen, it does not mean you have to make it a family tradition...

Yes, she is my little bomb and just turned two this month...if you doubt my madam would be this volatile and dhamakedar, please watch this video to ascertain it for yourself:

Dear Salman(Khan of course)

Dear Salman,

This is my second letter to you and since you answered to my first one some twenty years ago, when I was a teenager and in love with you post Maine Pyar kiya, I am assuming you would oblige me again I still have that letter btw tugged away for a personal moment now and then. Though this time do not send me an autographed photograph and a printed response of your forthcoming movies for I have kinda sworn off them for a while as well as stopped talking to your three feet long posters transfixed on my wall and on my mind then. So you see I would need more to shut me up now.

Last week I had a traumatic experience and as a fan I am sure, you’d be interested in knowing what badgers my little brain. Bodyguard was a movie that I went to after one month of no movie-watching in the theatre which is a catastrophe in my case and surviving. But your latest seems to be the greatest-in terms of deterring movie goers from ever treading upon the theatre route again. I mean what are you thinking these days I would really like to know? In your defence, I know the promos were not very promising but in my defence, you know how we fans are-hoping for some last minute miracle to salvage a sinking Titanic, but finding ourselves gasping for breath on not much, when we are thrown rudely overboard the sinking ship. To be literal in case sarcasm is too much to expect stars to understand-more like thrown overboard by a loud, cheap gag in between our pleasurable sleep during the movie.

‘Wanted’ was good after the sad mess of Veer and Mr n Mrs Khanna...or did they come after-ah, who cares! The mature yet vulnerable and sleek Salman magic was woven with dhaanso dialogues and an almost believable story line or whatever is possible in the Bollywood limitations anyways. That was followed by Dabbang and a hint that you were beginning to lose it. Vanity thy new name was Salman Khan and those obnoxious narcissist mannerisms garnered many an applause in the theatre and I thought, well, maybe my movie tastes have become a little too contemporary.

And then came Ready! Omg, did the story writer revisit his kindergarten to write this narration? And you are hitting 45 for crying out loud, some seven years younger than my father who is a grandfather now. You still expect us to buy the flight of fantasy that you are hanging around the house in the entire two hours plus frame like a college going dude, pampered by the elders for he is someday going to sambhalo the baag-duad of the khaandan ka business? They must later realize that there are only Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday in Salman’s week-there’s no place for a Someday!

I also assume that perhaps your choice of movies is being influenced by your erstwhile friend and hitherto bitter enemy Shahrukh’s selection. Shahrukh managed to horrify me in that remake of Karz, god help that movie because I have even forgotten its name-it was hopelessly predictable. Devadas, Omkara, Maqbool and the likes reaffirmed faith in remakes and Shahrukh shattered my love even for the original Karz. And then he murdered me alive when I saw him in that ‘Haule-Haule’ flick with those terrible moustaches and then terrible-er hamming as the colourful, so-called hipper version and superbly far-fetched story line again-I forget its name too I am not getting old-you guys are fucking my mind with movies that remain horror stories etched so firmly even in just a two hours ordeal in the theatre. These from the “Kings” of Bollywood-an outsider may shudder then to see what the minions and subjects are up to!

Anyways, I guess you thought when Shahrukh can pick up crappy, crass, children’s book themes and still retain his fan base, let me show that I would pick up crappier, crasser, blockheads of films and prove they still gather more millions in the first week than any other films in history. This however does not prove the awesomeness of your movies sir, but the awesomeness of your self-selling which is becoming larger with every passing ad campaign, every PT class dance step, every amusing word that is super accented and every super vain walk that you manage to enthral the shutterbugs with.

And what’s with the super smug attitude these days? I thought those looks were the sole copyright of Mr. Abhishekh Bachchan in those Idea ads where he manages to give that stance despite the string of flops. I guess he has your girl and that would explain the perpetual I-am-better-than-thou grin transfixed on his face for life; or wait, is it because he was infected with her coldness during courtship and those features are hence frozen since the day of his marriage? Never mind if the emotions have changed thereafter.

Back to you dear, sorry for these other actors sometimes make me digress. Now look at these youngsters only, how foolish of them to try newer scripts and themes when they should learn from you that muscles-shuscles and some heavy dialogue-shialogue mouthed with anger is the new mantra to ensure box office thronging of masses, at least on the first day. And once you acquire the mass on the right body parts, acquire also a designer who stitches shirts with barely there thread work-so that they furl open at the slightest hint of touch-of the wind, of the water pipe, of the rub against a heroine’s chest or even if she blows a flying kiss. Watching bare chests or being in anticipation of it was never so much fun even in the days of a Choli ki peeche or a Ram tere Ganga Maili.

Now script ka kya karna hain-throw in some chartbuster songs, get an arm candy girlfriend who is ever ready to bestow you with item numbers, use lots of people in the movie to generate cheap laughter like little kids pissing on the villains from the first storey of a building or the goons falling on a hot tawa by the road side-I mean come on, the fall on hot tawa for generating guffaws act must have been around since ages and apparently is still working. But these youngsters, naah, they never learn and want to experiment! Bah!

I recently visited a school friend’s house and her daughter who is eleven years old, now has a three feet long poster of you on her wall. Made me feel a bit nostalgic-you are a demi god to rule over three generations of women apparently my mother too had a crush on you when you first came around but didn’t confess it then thinking it would be a bad example for her teenage daughter. I wish you’d give us more of acting than acting to act. I wish you would play less with your belt and trouser pockets or collars of your shirts or scratch your bum over the trouser of course and instead show us a bit of more innocent you as we loved you then. And flying across two running trains in a tremendous leap does not suit you at all-we should leave that for Rajnikant or else how would the sms companies survive without making Rajnikant the butt of their jokes and circulating him so obnoxiously.

And would you please get married also now that we are onto it, for it is not good for the health of 99.999% of the rest of the Indian men population who see just one man having all the fun with the best of chicks. By the way, do these girls ever manage to hold a considerably sensible conversation or do you never let them open their mouths at all wise choice therein again? Katrina can not-act-the pants-off anybody and I guess the ‘off pants’ is the sole reason, she is still rocking the pants...er...the fans. I mean I saw her in a recent Pantene ad and my gawd she has managed to bring in more expressions in that one minute than in all her movies to date! She is progressing, perhaps learning from you!

Being human is also great if the human here is Salman Khan and being a blue bracelet is greater if it adorns your wrist. Being a Salman fan is the greatest...please see to it that it does not relegate to past tense. You’ve ruled the masses and the classes and with the new hair job and still a fabulous face and of course not to forget the million dollar body that ensures publicity by itself than any Rakhi Sawant’s assets ever could-we want you back and front too, but that’s for another lust dipped day.

   

Ran...er...fan forever,

Me:-)

P.S. The author is suffering from serious stress due to lack of straining of vocal cords since morning-koi mila nahi pakaane ko..so bechaara Sallu phas gaya. 

The justification is made keeping in mind 4 valid points:

1. Maybe my fan base(LOL) circulates this letter a million times like the Madrasan's and I would have to explain my stand in the next post, so doing so now very smart you see

2. Maybe someday I do bump into Salman and he falls in love with me and this letter should not spoil my chances-I definitely want a Bodyguard who looks like Salman although not acts like him.
3. Maybe I get threat calls from some Bhai-abhi to mere khelne koodne ke din hain na...

4. Oho, mein bhool gaye...next time!:-)

Seeya's First Fifty!

Naah...Seeya has not joined any cricket league despite the cricketing fever gripping one and all, though she is making sixes of her own.

And naah...this is also not about Seeya’s first fifty dates either, which omg, I would have to tackle someday dates that is and not fifty of them-omg multiplied by fifty otherwise.

As Seeya turns one year and three months now, here are few of the words she blabbers besides aa-aa, baayla, yoo-yoo, pata-pata, apriya app, etc, that she keeps saying incessantly and we are still in the process of de-coding what these stand for.

She started with proper nouns a long time back...

So mamma, that’s moi, she alternates in calling Sucha smart girl, she knows how sucha and pavitra is her mom-who dareth snigger?

G she calls Thom-tom cause she cannot pronounce or perhaps take the effort of saying his entire name Gautam see, like mother like daughter, I just hope it does not shorten to G for her too some day

She calls my Gauri bhabhi-Gooyeeee

Preeti bhabhi- Pri-ta

Her cousins Chaitanya-Chayta, Kartikey-Kaka, Yashveer-Yajshu

Our servant Bablu- is Bubbbal, which he calls himself now

And Cheela for Sheile and Moyee for Munni, she learnt before all of these thanks to gyrating on their numbers watching the idiot box.

Since many months she constantly asks one question to all and sundry, no matter who they are and what they are doing. Her eternal quest is to find out ‘ka kal laye hain aap?’ (What are you doing?) -some very nosey grandma traits there that kinda bother me, but when she dances like Sheila, my fears kinda rest in peace, before new ones take birth.

And if I tell her once ‘aapko pyjama pehna rahe hoon’ perhaps she is slow on understanding that or just too sharp and insistent on learning what she hears, for she would persist in asking me that again and again till the damn pyjama is up her little legs. Needless to say I hurry up with the process as much as I can, but then comes the wearing of socks and sandals and the rest of the jinga-bang and her intriguing, grilling interrogation continues I wonder then if I should make her join the police force when she grows up-she’ll easily crack up the toughest of nuts

She learnt saying dogh and cat almost along side of saying paapaa and mumma not very good at selecting the synonymous pairing, is she?

She knows what is hot and cold, though she would put her palm on her cheek and take a deep breath, with an aghast expression on her little face, to indicate both as the same. While feeding her with the bottle, she’ll take one gulp and say hawt for she knows mom would then go to the tap to put it under water the bottle silly, not the milk so that it cools and she would get time again to stand on the bed and run in circles as though the pillow was the sun and she must orbit around it diligently like mother earth, to honour the holy processes.

Paani she learnt a long while back too and thank god she did not call it mum-um like other children do-she has now learnt waater, reminding me much of Rani Mukherjee in ‘Black’ saying the same. Now if only my daughter’s teacher ala me, was half as mesmerizing as Rani’s teacher ala Amitabh-I said “half” because one-forth of that I already am but it does not sound good enough, na?

And though I drilled into her whatch too indicating to my hand, just to annoy me she would insist it is not watch but ghaadiii as one of the maids casually explained to her and come back to saying watch only after I would thump my head in despair sadist tendencies too, eh?

And then she would say soyee to imply sorry, touching her ears and tilting her little head that beams with her charming smile and a minute later repeat the mistake. 

She’s a fruit-o-holic and hence ay-apple, guavaaa, papayyaa and o-ange feature big time on her speech list. Ask her at any time of the day, what she is eating or what she wants to eat and pat would come the reply aaaapple! Ask her what you should draw on the paper and voila ‘apple’ again. I mean agreed it is round and red and juicy and scoopy, but it is just a god damn apple at the end of the day, na? Since the time of Adam dadaji and Eve dadi ma, man has not been able to translate the essence of this tempting fruit and Seeya stretches the idea even more.

Other items on the list: 
Ba-ba-is what the balloons are called
Shauce-that is actually tomato sauce, which ends up on her fingers and tongue I don't know how!
Choos for shoes

Book-her eternal friend giving her company on the potty seat.

Boy n gaarl-thank god she can make out the difference from now itself and thank god not in the way that you are thinking of with your naughty mind.

Zip, ship, cow and bird are the lucky names too, that made it to the elite list.

Aur- to indicate more-and her dil forever maange more of everything

Door- which she would pronounce with a big rounding of her sweetest of lips, causing me to ask her on every bloody door step like a moron with the forgetful disease ‘what is this?’

Doll, whom she loves to ill treat-tear their legs apart or rotate their heads.

And teddah for teddy, her first love- you have to see how she makes her huge teddy lie down on the floor and then she lying on top of him to give him the greatest of crushing and actual bear hugs. It’s scary sometimes but then it makes me thank god even more for:

A) I am not that crushed tedda, 

B) It is just a tedda and not a boy, at the end of the day 

C) It is just a harmless hug, at least for now.

A-eyes, thigh, toes-e, arm, navel, carrot, bread, cot, soap, car, bush, Santa, star, oon for moon, naaye for Naani and maaye for mami...

Aa jaayeye aap- to call just about anyone or anything. She would look at water and ask it to come to her for her highness would not take the pains to walk up to it.

Yeh-bhi hai for two of anything- like ask her to kiss on one cheek and she’ll point at your other one asking yeh-bhi, almost indicating mom, what are you saving that one for omg-I hope she is not a reincarnation of Mahatma Gandhi, but then she screams one of her blood curdling yells for just about nothing consequential and even Gandhiji turns in his grave in horror.

She’ll pick up the phone and say hewylooh reminding me that I have to work big time of rectifying that accent.
She loves to get herself clicked and would insist on you showing her the fhoto then on the camera.
There has to be the sound of band-baaja on the road, even at a long distance and watch her go shaayee for she would want to go out and see the shaadi.

She would say haaat in the most offending of manner to all passing by cars for madam’s car is on the road and all must hato to give her way and if they don’t, she takes out her toy gun and says tha-tha-tha to shoot them all off contrary to what you might think, I did not teach her THAT...you ought to know by now that I don’t use guns to shoot and I never do tha-tha-tha anyways...there are sounds of a different variety and pitch altogether.

And when the car reaches home she has to scream out kholo although I may be thumping the horn for all my dear life implying to the watchman to do the same.

She has also learnt shtop and chup, both the words, used on none other than me, when I am asking her to do something or am in feeble attempts of getting something done out of her.

She also knows what I call her and ask her ki aap mumma ke kya ho and pat she would say dodo again in an amazingly cute rounding of her lips.

Well, aren’t we done with the 50 yet, you ask?

 Offo, haaaw, fire, heart, no...okay enough already.

For when people say, wait till she begins to speak, I feel omg, I mean there would be more?

You’ll have to meet her to know more and baby sit her for me to allow you to meet her...for it is exactly one month now post no maid still...boo hoo, some anniversary, I’d say!

I will survive; I know I’ll stay alive
Please imagine that being played in the background for a better import of my situation here.



P.S. I am sorry for not being able to reply to the comments on my posts in the last few cases. The reason here is obvious, I do so much talking with her that I can barely manage to blabber back on my page beyond a few blog ideas and these too are connived actually for the hunger of more comments...ah, vicious cycle. I promise to do that at the earliest.

Seeya's update

Well, for all of you who’ve been asking me what Seeya’s upto...
Here’s a quick update*okay, I know you are wondering...since when is “quick” four pages long...but then you know me by now...I hate briefs*;-)

My bundle of joy has now turned 11 months n a half n still a mini tornado in the making!
All my life I have detested mothers who have nothing better to do than rant hysterically about their kids activities that helloooo we just might not be interested in listening. So to save my ass from being a pain for all those around me, I hereby tell you guys about her sweet nothings and get it off my chest.

Item numbers seem to be the flavour of the season...
Why I feel so...my daughter’s favourite songs at this time of the year are ‘Munni badnaam hue’ n now ‘Shiela ki jawani’
A wee bit restless at the development...I frown at her each time she watches these songs on the idiot box with rapt attention that could put even the best of my focused students to shame.
And when I say ‘Seeya...’-ignored.
‘Seeeyaa...’-disinterested.
‘Seeeeeyyaaaaa...’-deaf for all she cares.
‘Seeya, Seeya, Seeyaaaa...’
I finally get her to turn her head at me...but look at me with complete contempt as though thinking,
‘What mom...you made my eyes turn from THAT to YOU?’
And so she returns back shaking her bums on the beats or jerking her head in a surprisingly professional attempt of being the next hip hop star!
She just has to hear music and her lower half breaks into something that tells us that with time she’s going to break some bones in dancing her guts out.

I have been teaching her new words n actions n generally a whole lot of stuff so that I can flaunt her off to interested onlookers at how much she knows.
You know how automatically the class begins for the poor little ones, in front of family n friends because selfish parents want to beam with pride when people watch all amazed at the antics...our very own monkey show, that’s free of cost!
I do that too*sue me, judge me*
She can say a ‘Ram, Ram’ to you with folded hands*do I see a raised eyebrow in admiration?*
She says “Jai” in front of the temples n raises her hands high asking god ji to make her itnaaaaaaaaaaa bada!
*Not still impressed, are you? Where are my arsenals?*
Seeya has learnt how to nod her head in a ‘yes’ n not just once but at least three to four times in one go to make sure what she demands is presented to her at once or send her mommy to the deathly gallows or feed her to the hungry tiger types!

She also does a “no” movement with that same little head, but that comes at the misappropriate time when we ask her to eat and sleep or when we tell her to still sit or mum for a while.
She does a pat on her head to show “offo”
And a palm on her mouth to indicate “haaaw”*don’t ask on seeing what!*
*I am so loving this shameless display of my teaching skills*
She can tell you where her eyes n nose n ears n tummy n bums are*okay, no Einstein here, but try teaching something to an eleven months old...phew! I’d rather teach Shakespeare to my class 10th students*
And no one taught her to but she can put her hand in the ladies kurtas to look for I don’t know what! We’ll just have to wait her to grow up and unlock the mystery.

I had been teaching her from a while to put a finger on her lips and say “chup”.
But in vain...
Cut to last Sunday when we took her to a children’s zone called ‘Fun City’ and there she had a blast looking at the swings n rides n teddies n generally all the stuff that makes you feel ‘wtf did we do as children, without these’...
After almost an hour plus of the gallivanting there I asked my mini beloved,
“Seeya, ghar chalen?”
And she glares at me n with some split second Lara Croft jerky action says “chup” to me and looks away...
Omg...the nerve of you one footer n even less...
:-)

No one’s ever raised so much as a finger at her, but ask her mummy kaise pitai karte hain n she’d hit her head with her little palms...
Et tu brute...ah...never mind...yeh moh maya ke sansaar mein aur expect bhi kya kar sakte hain na!

She has the ability to watch the television non-stop without blinking her eyes for almost one minute...
Do you think I should contact Limca Book of Records?
Maybe she’s the youngest to do that the longest...
And I am sure if we push her with advertisement of teddies n 9XN ke really dumb promo cartoons...who knows, we might have a genius in the making!
Only this genius would be a little misinterpreted...
No one other than the mum would interpret her as one!

She’s not interested in dolls...they get their heads sloshed off by her.
She prefers animals instead...never mind if she eats up their tails or breaks their limbs.
Give her a toy with light n sound n see her smile.
Look away for a second n return to find her opening the back side to look for batteries n wires*omg, do you think she would carry forward the torch of technical brilliance that her mom enlightened the world with?
Okay, wishful thinking time over*

She’s a smart cookie too.
She knows when she is being forcefully made to put to sleep, as I curl her tight in my arms and swing her from side to side...
At that time, she would repeatedly croon “mumma” or smile at me or trace my nose with her tiny fingers to distract my lullaby*maybe the lullaby is so horribly pitched that it keeps her from sleeping...should look into that*
She would call “papa” or “mumma” again n again if she feels you are not giving her the attention that she deserves*that is keep all your eyes on her and talk to her or do some clowning around to entertain Her Highness without flinching even for a second*

She likes to put her hand in the powder puff box n spread it...
She likes to put her mouth into the baby cream nozzle n devour the extracts...
She loves the newspaper which she can tear into bits n parts suitable enough to go in her mouth.
If she meets a new kid, her way of greeting him or her is by putting her fingers in his eyes...whoa, some fixations! I need to remind her the upteenth time then that he is a living human being n not one of her blinking stuff toys.
I guess I still need to teach her the right usage of body parts and their functions.

I scolded her once*just once* with the maximum of a little raised tone when she was creating foam of spit in her mouth repeatedly..
Maharani ji went over to the pillows on the side of the bed and sprawled there tummy down and looked away from me with a hint of tear mixed with wrath in her eyes...
The modern day “kop bhawan” people!

Did I tell you how she has the habit if getting up at odd hours of the night for her rejuvenation is over and her batteries now need an hour of playing with her, no matter if the hands of the clock are stuck somewhere between 3 and 4 o’clock?

And please do not bring her within striking distance of dogs...
She might be injurious to their health...yes, even the most ferocious ones, for she might just cuddle them to death.
And beg n plead n groan as much as you may...she might give you a hugggy only if it suits her fancy or you have promised her to take her out for “ghoomy ghoomy” that is for an outing!
She views sleep as a waste of precious time as though she’ll miss some action n so at the first hint of a wake up time, she would not waste time in slowly opening her eyes or taking an angdai aka Hindi film heroines, but sit upright on her cot or stand in a jiffy holding her cot as though some Major of the army somewhere shouted “attention”!

That’s my Seeya, Ladies n Gentlemen, boys n girls...
She has the softest of cheeks
And the cutest of melting smiles.
She can do enough drama to make Shakespeare proud n befool us all.
She is the apple, cherry, banana n the entire fruit basket of our life.
So until further developments, watch this space!
:-)