Somebody Please Invent these...

I am not much of a science person. In fact I fear what if someday the world comes to an end and I am the only one left of my species, who is stumbled upon by a newly formed, genetically evolved race, out of the debris of the nuclear wastes in some tropical forests I am so proud of myself for making this sound so Terminator-ish; they ask me how my world was and I tell them of televisions and mobile phones of air conditioners and of the internet or aeroplanes and other stuff but with no fucking idea of how they can be made or made to work. That would be the end of the human race, hitherto symbolised by me.

But I do respect invention despite the fact that I think our technologists and scientists are all on a wide off the mark trail of innovation currently. Studying some rare species of ants in same rarer grasslands or how feeding 500 people for 500 days with xyz food would have what result in the body, is a big fat bundle of hogwash. The world needs some things else...

Imagine such dilemmas that we face every day:

I think my boyfriend broke up with me because he felt I was too insecure...

*Accusations raised at you* The baby fell ill because of what you did/did not...

I think the girl likes me more for my money than my company...

“Agar aap aise sawaalon se pareshaan aur hairaan hain, to chinta na karen:

Introducing now: The FINDOMETER! Just voice your question into this amazing new gadget and pat would come out a placard with a yes/no to your query along with the actual reason for the occurrence of the seed of doubt. It helps redeem lives! Book now and get a Lie Detector free! Offer valid till stocks last.”

Now that would be one invention that would result in less depressed souls around the planet.

Or perhaps a gadget/super power by which you close your eyes and say the name of the place followed by Abracadabra and voila, you reach there within a blink. I shall name it the ANYWHERE BLINKER. Visualize going to the beach of Goa as in right now, without the hassles of travelling or expenses or any packing of bags. Just slip into your beachwear in your room, dab some sunscreen, blink those beautiful eyes and open them to the sight of the vast expanse of beckoning sea and tempting life guards. Spend two hours on the beach, close your eyes again and say ‘Kanpur Abracadabra’ and return back to wake the sleeping baby from her afternoon siesta. Yes, thoughts like these fill up the vast dingy and vacant corners of my almost empty mind when sleep eludes me and life and even Facebook with its din and glory fail to entice. The devil’s workshop comes into existence with a bang and flourishes, with or without takers.

Do you realize what a path breaking innovation this would be-as relevant to history as the discovery of electricity or gravity perhaps? That means no congestion of traffic on roads; no need for petrol and thereby no burning of fossil fuels and no global warming. You don’t have to wake up an hour earlier because that’s how much time it takes for you to commute to work every day. There is no competition for owning a big car vis-à-vis a small one for there would be no cars-no horns, no need for driving licenses or depending on husbands to drive us around and no car sickness! It’s a cure all! No accidents, where hundreds of lives are lost. My god, I am a genius!

But the idea needs a bit of R&D, ab saara kaam mein he thoda na karonge-why did these scientists take up their jobs in the first place? Like there would always be some perverts who’d close their eyes and say ‘Kareena Kapoor’s bathroom Abracadabra’. So for these jerks there would be features like ‘Spam Enterers’, ‘Customize Personal Radius’, ‘Knock my Block’ and the likes. I am the next Mark Zuckerburg or what!

My suggestion list has more mind boggling prospects-

The FAT TRANSPORTER-a gadget that would come like with two wide belts connected via a pipe. So when one wears it, there would be fat transforming into painless droplets and travel through the tube into another belt and thereby into the body of a severely under nourished specimen. Within a few hours both get the desired weight without any side effects or pain. So there would be no treadmills, steam or sauna rooms and the likes that emit carbon and do other blah blah damage to our poor environment.

The SEXPULATION- a powdery substance, which when sprinkled even a pinch bhar on the body of your spouse when he is horny, would give him the satiation of having just had sex and turn around and sleep without a cribbing or accusing word. Can you imagine how many women around the globe would not mind forgetting to have a pillow under their head before going to sleep, but not a packet of the Sexpulation?

The CASSANOVA REPAIRER: Something that helps change a philandering boyfriend/husband okay fine even the fairer sex into a loyal-for-life one! All you have to do is throw a bottle of this liquid on his head like some headless people throw acid on some helpless women. And to know if he really loves you or not please use the Findometer!

The CLONER: a machine that makes you stand in a state-of-the-art cylinder for two minutes to create a clone of you, so identical that you’ll feel you are standing in front of a mirror. So you won’t HAVE TO be anywhere that you don’t want to be or not be anywhere that you want to for a fixed number of hours before the clone evaporates in air.

Alright all big heads, I have provided you the brain wave here-get your pretty asses on some work and start inventing these. I don’t need any credit nor would sue you for any copyright claims sometimes I wonder if I am more hopelessly romantic or more hopelessly magnanimous except that when these do come about, kindly try and test them and then send me one of each! Thank you and may your imagination never rest. And in case the brilliant inventors and scientists don’t stumble upon my page even Einstein apparently lived in anonymity till his worth was realized, let this be an open letter to God to send me a magic wand or if not at least a witch’s broom!