Fussing over Fat!

Considering the huge buzz yes, we flatter ourselves when others seem to be doing less of it-hint, hint in the blogosphere about the invention of The Fat Transporter in my post Somebody Invent these Please, I decided to dedicate some moments of silence through typing these words, dedicated to my fat and those of others and how it can be a pain in practically anywhere that it surfaces. Hoping this would help it to RIP and motivate us God, to create a fat free world.

• You dread going to the tailor out of fear of getting your measurements taken. And in case he would say that the suit has not been stitched tight by his mistake but the fact that you have put on inches since the last measurement taken ten days ago-where, oh god where would you hide your chubby face the body can anyways not be hidden?

• You look at the brands condescendingly that do not make beyond size L-what the fuck do they these self inflated, prejudiced dim-wits think of themselves anyways? And also pray that the good looking boy you sometimes bump into in that big mall showroom does not spot you surfing through “All Large sizes here” section.

 

• While having sex, you wonder more about how you might crush the poor guy under you with your weight or would your bellies prevent you from getting the job done no puns intended. And when the special someone gropes, you hope he does not hold a layer of fat in his finger tips unconsciously instead.

• People ask you if you are not well for you seem to be going breathless and you smile and say you are fine when actually you have tucked your tummy so hard that it is difficult to breathe and you are waiting to go to a corner of solitude and exhale.

• You refuse to go on a vacation with thin-pins for then even when you wear what makes you look the thinnest would still make you look bountiful next to the I-could-give-competition-to-a-ladyfinger friend; and not to mention how would the photographs appear when you return back home and upload them on Facebook and your skin-on-hanger friend gets more compliments from YOUR friends than you-scary thought, eh?

• Getting pictures clicked is another problem-thank god for digital camera and the world was saved with the delete option. But then you always have to look for accessories to hide the bulges-use people, cushions, trees, bags, children yes, fat people are sometimes shameless and strategically place them. 

• Onlookers stare at your butt more out of wonder than awe!

• You have to ask a totally dumb question like “Will this fit me, na?” to a salesperson when the tag says “One size fits all” and then bring it back from the trail room and then sheepishly mutter under your breath, “This does not fit” and she/he stares at you with the look as though he has seen the eighth wonder materialize before his eyes and can’t even call the ‘medias’ to claim his share to fame.

• People ask you to share their tiffin or lunch and suddenly become pale when you agree.

• You make stupid calculations through the day like what would have more calories-a lunch that constitutes the nine piece chicken nuggets with medium French fries or two pudina parathas with butter chicken and after baffling your brain about it till both go thanda on the table, you end up having much of both.

• You get stuff like slimming tea, fat free mayonnaise, diet coke, chips with no trans-fat, roasted snacks-have a loadful of them all together, wait for some bulges to budge and then complain that they do not. 

• You go around proclaiming that you like a person more for their heart and mind than their body, hoping someday someone would say and feel the same for you.

• The world in your views is not divided between the haves and the haves-not or the Whites and the Blacks or the Developed and the Developing-it is plain simple a struggle for survival between the beam-thin naturally blessed and the air-filled naturally cursed.

• You prefer going to the mountains than the beaches for mountains help you cover up and the beaches require you to don a swimsuit and hell Halle Berry-may you be damned for that walking out of sea in that skimpy thingy image for James Bond that makes half the male population want to be one -the swim suit or James Bond, they are still not sure.

• You dream that someday fat would be in and the gorgeous hunk of a man you fall in love with would have a fat fetish.

• You thank god often that clothes were invented and you were not born in the stone age-otherwise ever getting a head to turn for you, would have been such a ‘fat’ chance.

• You have to sit through the torturous recitals of human-toothpicks about how they have put on half a kg and they are sweating it out in the gym to combat that or how they feel bad about eating half a chocolate pastry-I mean it was just half-really?????????? And worse is when they eat half a dozen microscopic bites of the scarce food on their plates and touch their barely-there tummies and say they are so full-you can almost hear your own tummy growl.

• You spend some insane hours wondering if the tummy would grow out so much someday that it would make the boobs appear to have gone in.

• While walking ahead of a good looking boy, you do not wonder about the opening line to make a pass at him or how you should trip so that you fall right into his arms. Instead you are wondering the watermelons placed at the top end of your legs are not going up-down, up-down in a see-saw way.

• You advocate how Indian dresses suit the Indian girls more and gossip about how the squeezed-mango friend is looking sick and unhealthy these days because of her diet-maliciously planning in your head that she gets scared enough to give up and thereby not making you give in.

• When you fall people scream not because they want to save you but because they want to get out of the way, in case your butt decides to rest on their nose.

• You stand in the kitchen to cook and sweat and console yourself this is as good as perspiring in the gym.

• The worst question that could ever be asked to you is: What is your weight? And the most prepared answer always is: My bones are heavy...

• When you jump to jive on the dance floor and shake it like there’s no tomorrow, you soon realise that your feet have stopped gyrating but many other parts of you are still swinging.

 

• You make more orgasmic sounds while eating the KFC burger than while being eaten.

• When your special someone asks what is your favourite flavour and you say chocolate-you secretly hope that bag in his hand would contain some nuts dipped bars rather than those little, long balloon like things.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeenough said-I need to drown my sorrows now...You comment till I look for something to eat!