Dear Salman(Khan of course)

Dear Salman,

This is my second letter to you and since you answered to my first one some twenty years ago, when I was a teenager and in love with you post Maine Pyar kiya, I am assuming you would oblige me again I still have that letter btw tugged away for a personal moment now and then. Though this time do not send me an autographed photograph and a printed response of your forthcoming movies for I have kinda sworn off them for a while as well as stopped talking to your three feet long posters transfixed on my wall and on my mind then. So you see I would need more to shut me up now.

Last week I had a traumatic experience and as a fan I am sure, you’d be interested in knowing what badgers my little brain. Bodyguard was a movie that I went to after one month of no movie-watching in the theatre which is a catastrophe in my case and surviving. But your latest seems to be the greatest-in terms of deterring movie goers from ever treading upon the theatre route again. I mean what are you thinking these days I would really like to know? In your defence, I know the promos were not very promising but in my defence, you know how we fans are-hoping for some last minute miracle to salvage a sinking Titanic, but finding ourselves gasping for breath on not much, when we are thrown rudely overboard the sinking ship. To be literal in case sarcasm is too much to expect stars to understand-more like thrown overboard by a loud, cheap gag in between our pleasurable sleep during the movie.

‘Wanted’ was good after the sad mess of Veer and Mr n Mrs Khanna...or did they come after-ah, who cares! The mature yet vulnerable and sleek Salman magic was woven with dhaanso dialogues and an almost believable story line or whatever is possible in the Bollywood limitations anyways. That was followed by Dabbang and a hint that you were beginning to lose it. Vanity thy new name was Salman Khan and those obnoxious narcissist mannerisms garnered many an applause in the theatre and I thought, well, maybe my movie tastes have become a little too contemporary.

And then came Ready! Omg, did the story writer revisit his kindergarten to write this narration? And you are hitting 45 for crying out loud, some seven years younger than my father who is a grandfather now. You still expect us to buy the flight of fantasy that you are hanging around the house in the entire two hours plus frame like a college going dude, pampered by the elders for he is someday going to sambhalo the baag-duad of the khaandan ka business? They must later realize that there are only Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday in Salman’s week-there’s no place for a Someday!

I also assume that perhaps your choice of movies is being influenced by your erstwhile friend and hitherto bitter enemy Shahrukh’s selection. Shahrukh managed to horrify me in that remake of Karz, god help that movie because I have even forgotten its name-it was hopelessly predictable. Devadas, Omkara, Maqbool and the likes reaffirmed faith in remakes and Shahrukh shattered my love even for the original Karz. And then he murdered me alive when I saw him in that ‘Haule-Haule’ flick with those terrible moustaches and then terrible-er hamming as the colourful, so-called hipper version and superbly far-fetched story line again-I forget its name too I am not getting old-you guys are fucking my mind with movies that remain horror stories etched so firmly even in just a two hours ordeal in the theatre. These from the “Kings” of Bollywood-an outsider may shudder then to see what the minions and subjects are up to!

Anyways, I guess you thought when Shahrukh can pick up crappy, crass, children’s book themes and still retain his fan base, let me show that I would pick up crappier, crasser, blockheads of films and prove they still gather more millions in the first week than any other films in history. This however does not prove the awesomeness of your movies sir, but the awesomeness of your self-selling which is becoming larger with every passing ad campaign, every PT class dance step, every amusing word that is super accented and every super vain walk that you manage to enthral the shutterbugs with.

And what’s with the super smug attitude these days? I thought those looks were the sole copyright of Mr. Abhishekh Bachchan in those Idea ads where he manages to give that stance despite the string of flops. I guess he has your girl and that would explain the perpetual I-am-better-than-thou grin transfixed on his face for life; or wait, is it because he was infected with her coldness during courtship and those features are hence frozen since the day of his marriage? Never mind if the emotions have changed thereafter.

Back to you dear, sorry for these other actors sometimes make me digress. Now look at these youngsters only, how foolish of them to try newer scripts and themes when they should learn from you that muscles-shuscles and some heavy dialogue-shialogue mouthed with anger is the new mantra to ensure box office thronging of masses, at least on the first day. And once you acquire the mass on the right body parts, acquire also a designer who stitches shirts with barely there thread work-so that they furl open at the slightest hint of touch-of the wind, of the water pipe, of the rub against a heroine’s chest or even if she blows a flying kiss. Watching bare chests or being in anticipation of it was never so much fun even in the days of a Choli ki peeche or a Ram tere Ganga Maili.

Now script ka kya karna hain-throw in some chartbuster songs, get an arm candy girlfriend who is ever ready to bestow you with item numbers, use lots of people in the movie to generate cheap laughter like little kids pissing on the villains from the first storey of a building or the goons falling on a hot tawa by the road side-I mean come on, the fall on hot tawa for generating guffaws act must have been around since ages and apparently is still working. But these youngsters, naah, they never learn and want to experiment! Bah!

I recently visited a school friend’s house and her daughter who is eleven years old, now has a three feet long poster of you on her wall. Made me feel a bit nostalgic-you are a demi god to rule over three generations of women apparently my mother too had a crush on you when you first came around but didn’t confess it then thinking it would be a bad example for her teenage daughter. I wish you’d give us more of acting than acting to act. I wish you would play less with your belt and trouser pockets or collars of your shirts or scratch your bum over the trouser of course and instead show us a bit of more innocent you as we loved you then. And flying across two running trains in a tremendous leap does not suit you at all-we should leave that for Rajnikant or else how would the sms companies survive without making Rajnikant the butt of their jokes and circulating him so obnoxiously.

And would you please get married also now that we are onto it, for it is not good for the health of 99.999% of the rest of the Indian men population who see just one man having all the fun with the best of chicks. By the way, do these girls ever manage to hold a considerably sensible conversation or do you never let them open their mouths at all wise choice therein again? Katrina can not-act-the pants-off anybody and I guess the ‘off pants’ is the sole reason, she is still rocking the pants...er...the fans. I mean I saw her in a recent Pantene ad and my gawd she has managed to bring in more expressions in that one minute than in all her movies to date! She is progressing, perhaps learning from you!

Being human is also great if the human here is Salman Khan and being a blue bracelet is greater if it adorns your wrist. Being a Salman fan is the greatest...please see to it that it does not relegate to past tense. You’ve ruled the masses and the classes and with the new hair job and still a fabulous face and of course not to forget the million dollar body that ensures publicity by itself than any Rakhi Sawant’s assets ever could-we want you back and front too, but that’s for another lust dipped day.

   

Ran...er...fan forever,

Me:-)

P.S. The author is suffering from serious stress due to lack of straining of vocal cords since morning-koi mila nahi pakaane ko..so bechaara Sallu phas gaya. 

The justification is made keeping in mind 4 valid points:

1. Maybe my fan base(LOL) circulates this letter a million times like the Madrasan's and I would have to explain my stand in the next post, so doing so now very smart you see

2. Maybe someday I do bump into Salman and he falls in love with me and this letter should not spoil my chances-I definitely want a Bodyguard who looks like Salman although not acts like him.
3. Maybe I get threat calls from some Bhai-abhi to mere khelne koodne ke din hain na...

4. Oho, mein bhool gaye...next time!:-)