Dear World-gasping-at-my-being-a-virgin-still

(Prelogue-This post comes a little too late for the Discussion on ‘Virginity’ done on the Darlings of Venus blog page all of last month. What can I say, when a woman’s got to go, she’s got to go on an inspiration derived writing spree of course! Everyone (mostly women) expressed their views on virginity being preferred due to fear of society ka stigma or saving themselves for the perfect chu...chum. Another option asked there was-Is virginity also an outcome of lack of opportunity? Everyone went boo hoo saying ‘Whaaaaaaaaat opportunity!’ Anyone and everyone's having sex! Begging to differ-Cut here to the dilemma a 25 year old virgin boy in this open letter)

Dear World-gasping-at-my-being-a-virgin-still,

If anyone asks me this one more time, I would either bang the first girl I see on the road or tell them to sit on my middle finger and spin: “Haaaaw, you are still a virgin? What happened-or rather did not?” as though I have contracted a fatal disease and they must console me with every atom in their frigging being! And there are so many other things in the world to count-Kim Kardashian’s days being wedded, Manmohan’s days being silent, population exploding to 6 billion-why the fuck keep a count of how many times I’ve got or not got laid?

It’s not like anyone wants to remain a virgin by choice-if they say they do, they are all lying through their dripping noses that are aching to be in better places. So ladies and gentlemen, virgins and the wantons, hold on to your dirty underwears, for let me bring in some enlightenment: We all are waiting to lose our flower/to get the ribbon cut with a grand inauguration/to blow us from a bud to a bloom/to throw the balls rolling into the holes-however you may want to put it. I mean really, you want to say you watch all that making out in movies, see a stunner with curves or catch a peek of the peaks when she’s bending suggestively and you do not have your own little porn tales flashing in your mind? Phuleeeze, if you say so, I say you should also say you are the Queen of England and we’d believe you just as much.

We have all the logistics worked out in the brain-they just need to be mapped right on the body; though that is as tough as the fucking task itself, especially as the first timers. I mean it is not like you walk down the shopping aisle and pick up a piece that you’d want to be served in bed that night and everyone lives happily ever after; or like bungee jumping-once you come to the brink and say you are scared, they let you turn around and leave without a snigger.

We are as nervous about the first time as the girls-two hoots to machoism! I mean sometimes I feel I just might stumble at the point of the bra unhooking itself. It confounds me as voodoo sometimes: How do you girls do it by putting just two fingers behind your back and ta-da come the hooks all surrendering to lead the gaping mouth-er to the gates of heaven? Prior to my kinky dreams, in the horror-tainted ones, I picture myself with both hands trying to open the damn things so desperately and earnestly that they leave the barely-there lacey cloth and have me cupping them instead. I can also so imagine that if I do that to your Victoria Secrets then it’s no secret that I won’t get laid post that, would I? So you see we do have our own little struggles to overcome that no one cares a flying fig for.

First we don’t find the right girl yes fairer sex, please don't raise that eyebrow we too have this thingy about giving our flower to the perfect gardener who would make it grow like a baby-no puns intended. When we find her we have the dinosauric task of making her spot us without thinking we are morons or sleaze bags. I mean too less complimenting and you freak us, too much and you freak out! Aren’t we concentrating on the wrong F word here? Anyways, somehow begins the painful task please don’t ask where of being friendly without staring at her assets or being stared at our own giving uncalled-for standing ovations please remember this is THE first time a girl has managed to come so close in our physical radius-unexpected and uncontrollable disasters are just waiting to happen. Once we go past this unharmed, comes the risk of proposing-she may accept or reject! If she does, the fear of her imagining a long term commitment and walking down the aisle prevents us from getting a quick hard-on for a short while. If she does not, the fear of the news getting out and our market value sinking even below the poverty line, ensures the same drooping reaction. And then you say a girl’s life is tough!

After passing all these Herculean dilemmas, especially of deciding when it is not too soon to float the idea-even if someday she does coyly agree to go all the way-where the fuck is the space to fuck? At home there is mother, who did not choose to pursue a career because she wanted to raise her laal-gopal with all her attention. Lesson learnt: At-home mothers can be a pain in the arse cause of tension for libido driven youngsters. Even if she is not there, baba ki liye maids or watchmen or grandparents are acting as watch dogs and all activities of who all entered, giggled, gasped and when they existed are duly reported to the High Command-and by enter and exit, I do not yet imply the activities that are so taking shape in your dirty mind.

So doing at home is out of question unless you are doing it all by yourself but that does not make us non-virgins, does it? For if it does, I wonder if any boy ever actually would lose his ‘flower’ to a girl! Friends' places are also abounding with mommies or grannies and if not the “friend” is either too excited or suffering from a loose stomach of the mouth, so you don’t want to take chances. That leaves us with office canteens-naah, making women and food compete even on a super horny day, is not such a good idea; cafe houses-ya right! If we so much as even touch each others' hands there, the next table aunty makes such a misery drawn face as though the coffee boy put salt in her coffee instead of sugar. Then you tell me about parks-have you seen the parks these days? My god, the oldies rush in to hog all the strategic spots to practise the weird positions of yoga-no one cares a damn about our positions. And if by chance there is a vacant spot where you decide to take a breather, in comes a dog to poop.

And please do not give me names of hotels-first they would check out our item as though it is janta ka maal. Then they ask us for Identity cards-holy shit! What if they trace me back and blackmail me...what if there are cameras hidden in the sleazy rooms and someday when dad would be Googling for adventure sports, up flashes my video of making out in the wildest of ways!

I feel like such an outcast when my friends brag about their conquests-damn the service families, I’ll make sure I marry a working girl so that my son does not suffer like I do. Why did I have to be so unlucky to spend a quarter of my life minus actual sex? Someone and somePLACE is made for me too! I will not rest till I manage to go where no (virgin) man has gone before. So long friends, enjoy the mating, hope you all get laid to your hearts and bodies’ content and wish for me that I do not die a virgin*falling on my knees to pray for the same before breaking into sobs*

Yours sincerely, 
Someone who's wondering if Virgin is a female word and what would be its male form.