For a while now, I have been dabbling with a new vocation for myself!
I had suggested this to my dearly beloved too...
I should wrap up my teaching agendas and get into counselling!
Yup...a sort of shrink...a kind of sounding board, beyond your immediate circle of near n dear ones, someone whom one can relate to without the fear of being judged!
I almost take a sacred n secret*well, not anymore*pride in doing that!
Youngsters on the brink of an identity crisis or cocooned life, housewives persisting with the urge to break free, men caught up in the web of a lonely though settled life, women struggling in not so conducive environments...
I have seen n heard them all!
With many I have trudged the path of redemption or held their hands*symbolically* at the times of unbearable sufferance!
Tolerance almost became like my badge!
And Agony Aunt is how I moonlight and did so all my life!
Talking to people*those who interest me* has been a favourite pastime and lately this has consumed a lot of my time, online or otherwise.
Not just to friends who open and share their emotions with me, but uncannily I have noticed how I go around commenting on just about anyone’s heart-rending posts with a “Need help? Ask us!” kinda forum!
Are they screaming for attention or am I?
I have begun to wonder if it is really THEY who need help!
The frequency of this and a pattern thereby brings in a mixed sense of emotions in me...gratification n yet a restlessness of doubt!
And also a fear...Am I addicted to the elation of being a mess-solver?
Do I look forward to woes in people’s life so that it gives me a sense of belonging?
And if this is true even partly...ain’t I really sick?
I like to hear and not speak*my blog is the space for which I reserve that n this should explain the long posts*.
I like to question and not answer...unless these are answers to YOUR grievances! Absolutely NO ONE knows what’s going on inside my head and I choose to reveal only what I want to.
It is perhaps some weird mechanism at work to safeguard myself from vulnerability or an embedded fear of who’d be interested in my sob stories anyways*there are plenty of those, believe you me, who hasn’t?*
So, I don’t enjoy talking me...I would rather talk you!
I end up finding myself in situations where I am emitting my pearls of wisdom or just lending my ears for my ‘friends’ to vent out their confusions and frustrations of the world!
“Oh, thank you! Talking to you has been such a help!” are celebrated words responded to me, akin to “khul ja sim sim” that were divulged to Ali Baba in fables!
Initially this activity used to get me drained!
When I would hear of distressing stories called ‘life’ of people around me, it would end up making me feel weak in the knees and increase my own palpitations*not in ‘love’ kinda way-sigh!*
It would greatly disturb me as my body and mind would take time and efforts to come to terms with it and I would almost take it as badly as if it were happening with me.
But then, I guess, repeated exposure to these depressing woes provided a kind of immunity eventually and today, I can hear you out a BIT more dispassionately and in a self-wrecking way than before!
Though my mind’s involvement is still 100%!
I put all my faculties at work to come out with the wisest solution to your problem! And if I end up actually making you feel better...there is no greater contentment for me than that! Don’t get all repelled here with disdain...I am no Mother Teresa! Such acts are more theurapetic to me than they are for you!
And that’s what I do most of the times!
I am hearing stories of everyday grudge n whining of people and not getting tired of it! I am finding n offering solutions and expressing equal amounts of derision as the sufferer himself or herself!
It is a sense of pride somewhere within me or rather vanity that is being fulfilled by the idea that people can turn to me with utmost trust!
It perhaps provides me with a sense of achievement on being the first in the list of people, whom you’d call in case of a crisis!
But isn’t that super pathetic?
I am so wondering now!
One of my earliest dear friends on the internet had once commented,
“You are like the park bench. When someone is really tired of the humdrums of life, he turns to the park...spends time on that bench and feels the comfort it provided. Then when he feels better and sufficiently equipped to face the world...he moves on...and may or may not return to that park bench, or at least not till he needs to vent out his sobs again!”
I remember having taken to that very unkindly, for this is what had happened between us!
I was the confidante of all the miseries against the world, ranting against parents who did not do ‘enough’, of job that was suddenly gone, of security carpet swished off the feet n religion n politics n morality n what not!
But when things returned back on track to being hunky dory...I was not needed again for a long while till life decided to give another F@#$ to all plans!
I see an encore of the same in many friendships that I have forged!
Suddenly the idea that I am being turned to, is not so appealing one due to the fear that what-if tomorrow I am discarded again!
Purpose solved...no ears needed now!
I don’t want to be a park bench!
I don’t want to be a sponge...for I soak your troubles and make myself heavy with my own expectations!
Perhaps I don’t want to listen anymore!
I want to talk instead!
But that...I cannot!
No, not talk!
Perhaps now I want to scream!
P.S. It has been a weird post and I apologize for filling you with distaste when all you came here for was a good laugh!
Promise to bounce back with the madness soon!
31 comments:
I have a headache. In my head, contrary to popular belief.
Help me.
The Bald Guy...
Uff....
You having a head, is only contrary to popular belief!
:/
P.S.Lalaji...masternji still has her stick ready to spank the mischievous nuts;-)
And consider this a resort to get aches like you on the couch!;-)
Quite a heartfelt post indeed !
In my experience most people fall into 2 categories- the psychiatrist type people who hear others out and the people who turn to them whenever they are down. People who fall into the first category (such as yours truly and even yourself) slowly learn to shut their own feelings and learn to help people you with their problems. My parents ever since they got married have been at each other's throats. Threats of divorces have been flying around ever since i can remember and i grew up consoling my mother and helping her vent her feelings.And now that's all i can still do. I still find it hard to tell people about my problems instead am more at home with helping them find solutions and cheering them up. And yet i continue to do so at the risk of forming many friendships that get over as soon as the other person is in a better state of mind.I personally find it very hard to get out of this rut. It's kind of a vicious cycle.Hope you better luck getting out of this rut :)
awww not all of us look at you as just a shoulder to cry on. and screw the friends who do so ! always remember that not all the five fingers of the hands are equal ! ;)
and its alright once in a while to not write a funny post but rather a heartfelt one cuz ,as one witty and supercool teacher commented on my blog, "hey, this is your space and it is not complaining even if you go serious it for a while..."
cheers !! :)
Not the couch here too! Heh! :P
"So, I don’t enjoy talking me...I would rather talk you!"
You are MY shrink now. I am a self obsessed person. Help me!!
You know, Su, it is very hard to come across a person who would rather talk about the person in front of em, than themselves. These are the people who are called self less, and people, who actually make a difference.
See, you teach, and I am sure that you have a relationship with your students that go beyond the classroom teaching *DON't run your mind in different tangents* and, being their or rather anyone's confidante is a great great thing to do.
You need a big heart.. and a loving big heart to do that.
And, wow, you have that.
Be proud hon.
Oh, yeah, you are my shrink now. Fee?
Hi Anon...
I am truly honoured for you having shared a bit of you here...though of course you leave me with names being guessed as to who you could be*I don’t like that too much by the way...so could you like secretly n shhhh kar ke tell me your name somehow...I promise not to publish it*:-)
In the last one year, I have dealt with the idea n necessity of expressing oneself! I used to live in this belief that I am capable enough to take in whatever life throws at me and discussing it would lead to ridicule, pity or half hearted empathy!
Whatever the reactions may be are not so significant here as the very idea of sharing things out of your system! Mediums can be many...like for me it became the blog...a bit related to one friend and another holding a different piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is me!
So in entirety I was protecting myself...yet by distributing my sobs, I realized I am carrying less of a load...so find those few whom you can trust!
Make friendships and put in efforts to bring out the sunny side up in them!
And realize that we’d still be needed even if we are not wiping tears...if we become good enough in bringing smiles!
This I learnt after writing this post!
I began writing it in a completely crappy mood this morning and with this piece of writing I have come to terms with me and what was really churning me!
We have to find our own paths my friend...and I so hope you’d find yours!
P.S.OMG...there I go in my agony aunt mode again...I guess some things would remain as teddhe as a doggie's tail:-)
Hi WG...
You are such a sweetheart and I would never get tired of saying that!
How can twenty years old head make more sense that a thirty two years old one?
You’ve been a great friend*thanking my lucky stars for you* and little note brought back the smile*like you said...laughters all the time could be injurious for my health...so just smiling for you for now:-)*
And a big thunderous hug to the witty, cute, sexy, n ____*please don’t kill me for this* friend who remembers what a super cool teacher wrote on his blog;-)
Hugsssssssssss:-)
Priy Tbg...
~~To jahan jahan chalega...
Mera couch...saath hoo o o ga!~~
:-)
Suruchi, it's a beautiful piece and mark my words you will be known for your writings one day....I can see you winning a Booker prize some day!
Truly, I got to see 'the other side of coin' today and must confess you are one of the very few selfless, warm-hearted and coolest persons I have ever met (rather known you better on fb). The sense of humour that you have and your command over both hindi and english language is unique, uncommon and difficult to find.
Thanks to fb, I know you much better and wonder how often you would pour out your heart this way apart from your witty, humorous and light masterpieces!!!!
God Bless!!!!
Oh My My! Well you know I really do not know what to say. I can not share my experience as to what I do when I am in your shoes - If I do not like my own actions I change myself - If I do not like other's actions, I make a distance between them and myself. Bottom-line is you can only change yourself. Besides it's good to talk about yourself sometimes. Not necessarily your depressions but your memories and stories. I love sharing my childhood with people for I believe it was the happiest time of my life. Share your happiness and joys! Everyone likes that! :o) I know I would.
I shall remember to ask you lots of questions now! Though it's not in my character but I shall do it coz u NEED it! ;) ehehe Your own therapy! :P ...
P.S. THANKSSSS!!! for your comments. I always wait for them eagerly! *huggzz!*
I don't think u need to be apologetic for what u write on ur blog dear!! I can totally identify with ur post right from the thought of becoming a shrink to the last line of wanting to scream...it so often happens that ppl who give advice to others dont hav anyone to go to when they are in trouble. Which is sad indeed!
Anyways not wanting to depress u. Hope u hav a gr8 weekend dear!! :)
what u've got to analyse is exactly how much u want to do this?
and heck...if it'll pay.... be a shrink :P
Suruchi,
It is a fact that it is very difficult initially not to feel involved personally in what you are listening to for giving solutions. Even professional psychiatrists say the same inspite of being trained to be impersonal. But if you have to give sound advice, it is imperative to detach yourself from involvement. If one has some experience, why should it not be shared with those who may be benefitted? Go ahead, and be a shrink or agony aunt without looking for rewards like permanent contacts. Let them come as need be.
Take care
Hey sweetie! I think you'll make a great counselor...You give great solutions to problems and you seem to relate to many things...
And honestly, reading your (long :P) comments, i think you really do speak your mind...
So, go ahead...Be a shrink! :)
And all the best for it!
Cheers!!
WEll i agree with your view...U know its been ages me playing the role of agony Uncle....at times it helps u as well...but at the end i agree with wat your friend say...we are just like park bench....
But I completely believe in one thing....if you living in this world its better to make 1 happy than 10 sad...It's better to wipe tears then make people smile...
I can relate with your this post. Even I tend to give comment on posts about confusion, problems, sad stories & soo on.. But, Now I guess I should have to stop or at least control ..:)
some interestingly (?) sad posts on which I commented were -
1. A gal wants to go abroad for further study..but dad is not ready to support financially..
My advice: There R better institues in India as well.
Her reply: She wants abroad only.
( I was forced to shut up :D)
2. A woman in her mid 30's is worried about her friend who remains isolated from outside world..Locks door..Doesn't pick up calls. what to do ?
My advice: It's too late now. :D
(But indeed I thought so)
Sorry..this comment is lengthier than your post I guess..:)
Love your posts ..You know for what..lolz..
I don’t enjoy talking me...I would rather talk you, I have this disease and quite often my friend ask me, how can you bear such sobbing, long stories,
I say i am a gud listener :)
but like u said as a park bench, ppl come to u , talk to u , leave u , SAch is life....
My mantra :Keep waiting for new ones's for everyone gives u some smiles and u need to cherish those :)
Regarding ur Post's content, be it witty , or gyanni ...
It always brings smile on my face:)
Believe me, everyone has to face such people in their lives, who don’t remember you once you help them. I have many “once in a blue moon” friends who’d remember to remember me only in times of their need. When faced with a problem, they’ll come out with a torch looking out for me in the darkness that has consumed them. Once their problems have been dealt with, they vanish. But, I don’t bother about not getting an acknowledgement from them for the help that I provided, let alone they remembering me.
I understand that gratefulness is one of the qualities that is expected from everyone, but it is missing in all too many cases. I know some part of you hurts when a person whom you considered as a good friend doesn’t act like one. But, I guess, there are different reasons why people are ungrateful and don’t remember the good deeds you’ve done for them. It’s something that I’ve learned from this short, little life of mine. You see, I have friends who are dear to me but are ungrateful sometimes. They have trouble verbally acknowledging good deeds. What I’ve gauged is that, maybe they are like that because of embarrassment or simply because they are not used to others doing good things for them and helping them. These people usually find a way to let you know, although it may not be verbal.
Then there are some people for whom nothing works, no matter what you do for them, they’ll not see it as something good.
Then there are those who don’t want to admit getting help. They won’t acknowledge the fact that someone helped them, instead, these people are quicker to tell about someone who hurt them rather then the one who helped them.
Then there are those special few who want and expect things to be done automatically for them without having to put in a word of appreciation for the one who helps.
Also, I believe, some people are just insecure. These people are afraid that if they’ll show that they are grateful, then others will wonder why they are acting in that way.
As a friend, I feel proud of you for helping others in times of torment. But, make sure to never remind others that you helped them. You see, when we help others, in a way we are helping ourselves too. Not only we are doing a good deed, but we grow as a person from the growth/experience we gain from helping others. Never help others and then want them to feel obligated. Help, in itself, means that there should be no strings attached. You see, if you want people to be aware of the good you did to them, then the good was not for their gain, but for your own. I know that it’s always nice to get an acknowledgement, but whether they do it or not should not be your concern. You did what you had to do, and now it’s up to them. How they respond shows a little bit about them as a person. But more importantly, how YOU respond after helping them shows A LOT about you as a person. Helping others should be like a gift, and once a gift is given to someone, it’s theirs to do with as they wish.
Holy Smokes! I better stop now as this comment is getting pretty long. So, my dear friend, you should be proud of yourself. That’s the only thing in your hands. Like the tale of a saint trying to save a scorpion from drowning, and the scorpion biting him, in return; But the saint still saving that scorpiion. In times of trial you know who your real well-wishers are, dear. Do not worry, rather rejoice that you did what you had to do as a good friend. Try to be the best yourself, and not worry about others to conform.
You are just about perfect the way you are.
Remember: Do good, but don’t expect anything in return. If you expect something in return, then the whole purpose of doing good is defeated; it dilutes the goodness done.
Hi Vinita Mamiji...
Thank you soooooooo much for such deep appreciation...coming from such a well read n wise person like you, it is a great compliment!
And my god...the Booker Prize, huh?
The trouble is I am too lazy to take this to any higher level than where it already is...I mean it took my years to create a blog...I don’t know how many more years before I get down to writing seriously and a book like many of my dear friends have been asking me to do from soooooooooo long:-)
I am also glad to be able to know you and so many other people better thanks to the fact that we are facebook buddies or they read me here!
I don’t know what else to say for all the awesome words that you have said for me...except a big thank you n a hug...:-) You made my day!
And don’t you worry...I’d be pouring my heart n guts out every once in a while!;-)
Hi Tani,
You are so right when you say that the only control in our hands is over our own lives*which is also limited beyond a point but then that’s all that we have really!*
I don’t know if I want to change the state of things or change people!
I guess it is a responsive, self operative system of like maybe reformatting the computer after too much use! Let’s just call this as my reformatting before I can be put to any good use again!:-)
I would still love to hear friends...offer solutions and be there...
So please remember to ask me loads of questions...and did I tell you I have special expertise in the bedroom query section?;-)
Thanks for bothering...you are a sweetheart!
damn! just when i thought i'll tell u my name n stuff...n details about the girl n stuff...u say u don't wanna listen anymore!!!
ab main apna dil ka bhoj kaha utaaru???
Hi Ria...
It is not that I don’t have people whom I could share my feelings with...it is the lack of inclination to do so*though I have rectified it big time in the last couple of years...yet miles to go before I sleep*:-)
In fact now that I think of it more...most of us keep interchanging in these roles of listeners and talkers-no matter how chatter boxes we have been...we have lent our ears too at some point or the other and must do so...
After all that’s what friends are for!
I was kinda depressed by that idea but not anymore...
I realize that it is not everybody’s cup of tea n hence should just enjoy the cup coming in my share...
Thanks Ria for dropping by:-)
Hey Mohit...
I don’t know if I want to do so professionally...
Well, it was just another random, on the spot n sudden flash...
And it is not even about the payment that concerns me...
I guess moonlighting is good...
So meet me dear sometime by the “moon”light;-)
Hi Jack...
Aapne itne ache tarah se samjha diya...just exactly what I wanted to say!
Who would understand the problem of getting sucked into people’s woes more than you? i am amazed at how you maintain your balance....
For despite years of being that so called “bench” I still get deeply effected when I see/hear of rotten problems...
Like just yesterday a dear friend confided in me about a sad situation where he is stuck up with his beloved...
I read the mail he sent me about 3 times*the mail running to 8 pages*
And within an hour of that my spirits were completely down!
My husband on returning asked me if I was feeling unwell for my face had shrivelled up!
I could barely smile at him...though now in the morning things are better....
But my mind is still being nagged with this urge to do something for him!
I do hope I continue to do some beneficial work like you do all the time!
Thank you for understanding:-)
Hiyya Pavitra,
Hahaha...I do end up writing long comments on not just my posts but even on everyone else’s....that’s what I have to learn I guess...
The ability to realize that I must not get carried away and a bit of self restraint n control to handle situations objectively...
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
But I guess till I learn the idea of not getting myself involved to the extent of being mentally effected by things...I’d just linger on with the idea!
Stay smiling:-)
Hi Niraj...
You know what...by the end of this post and comments on it...I have also gotten around to agree with the park bench theory!
Much that I hated it before, I know accept it and am not negative about it!
Look at it this way...
It’s not that just these people are benefiting from this association...
We too have someone by our side all this while...
The comfort of a good friendship and a good deed done...no matter how transitory is worth it in the end...
And like I always believe...it is better to remember happy memories associated with all relations than the bad ones...and no matter how much the hurt...with time just the moments of fun would remain etched in the mind and the disappointments would fade into a trickle!
Thanks for the last line...it has provided a big boost!
Hi pRasad,
Hey, you don’t need to stop or control your comments on people’s sad posts...
Sometimes through discussions and suggestions it is very much possible to come to a conclusion or if not, at least get another angle or view to the issue at hand...
And thinking thus I spend a long while on people’s posts, spreading my pearls of wisdom...and like you said above...often my comments get as lengthy as the post themselves*if not longer:-(*
And the advices you gave..haha...
Were they accepted? I am so curious to know:D
Thank you for loving my posts...though I would so like to “know for what:;-)
Hey Mr. Happy....
You are such an adorable friend...
You know life kinda balances up for all the good or bad it throws your way...
For every sucker who makes you believe that people are just there to use you...there would also be a score of other gems who make you realize that you mean the world to them!
So that keeps me not-stressed*well, most of the times* coz I know I am blessed!
I so liked the line where you say keep waiting for newer people to fill up that bench...
That’s what happens...
The occupant may not stay but the reminder does that you were of some help to someone at some point:-)
And there is always someone or the other to brighten the day:-)
Hi CS...
Dear dear Nips...
It is not gratefulness, obligation or even acknowledgement that I seek for!
I hate ‘thank you’s’ anyways when all I did was hear or talk to you...
*I mean if I actually give you a big fat gift someday...you can thank me in kinds;-)*
It is the fact that people move on...which can generate so much of a restlessness in one self...I mean Everyone kinda lives in this belief that they are indispensible...
Especially when we are nice to someone...we must expect the other person to appreciate then your presence in their life...
The use and throw attitude sucks big time!
God forbid...it is not what I have gone through really or to such a terrible degree...but I know of people who are capable of that and go through the same!
It’s this attitude of people...to get close and devote time when it suits them!
I have had students and cousins n nieces and nephews who would spend hours talking to me when they had a chapter they wanted me to explain or help needed in the projects...
But once when the work is done...
I am no longer required or turned to unless crisis hits again!
You get what I am trying to say here...
And well, I have sort of come to terms with the fact that people would be like this only...in lesser or more degrees...hell, even I would be like that for someone, without my conscious or subconscious effort! I don’t care about being thought of helpful n stuff...
My problem is don’t turn a relation into nothing or a poor faded shadow after having centres your life around it once upon a time!
And thank you my dear friend for finding me “just about” perfect!
I hope to always live upto your expectations as you live so true upon mine:-)
Oye Blunts....
Yeh waale techniques na puraane ho gaye....
Aap jiss school mein padhe hain hum wahan ke principal reh chuke hain...
Er...well not really*coz that would make me realllllllllllllly old n out of the flirt focus or bracket*
But you are samajhdaar enough to know what I mean...
So much naatak these youngsters do these days....Ram! Ram!
I said I don’t wanna “listen”....I didn’t say “I don’t wanna READ”
Hehe...phasaaaaaaaa!
Chalo phir...write me a long mail about all your “dil ka bhojh”
;-)
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