What a Steal!

What would we do without funny anecdotes happening in and around our otherwise mundane life?

I was recently a guest at a kitty party-sharty, with around 15-20 babbling and sighing women, some show-offing their latest sunshades*yes, within the interiors of a CLOSED restaurant...probably they should be called ‘bulb’shades instead*, glittering rock-y diamond rings on their stout or too thin fingers*there is no mid way balanced path...there’s always a size zero or a size with many zeroes* and the broadest of artificial smiles dabbed in plastic polite conversations.

Amidst the hullabaloo, or so probably as the hostess thought, often things go unnoticed. But since I was bored to the core and almost on the verge of a big fat yawn, my perception instincts were probably better aroused and I looked around to fish for some entertainment. It was then that I saw my gracious hostess was also looking around but her gaze aimed at making sure she was not being watched. And in the next instant, as quickly as a chameleon would be at work, she picked up the cute salt n pepper cellars off the table and slid them into her purse, kept by their side!

Holy f@#$ing shit!
My jaw dropped and needless to say, it was not because of the yawn!
What in God’s name did she think she was doing?
I looked around to ascertain if there was any as aghast a countenance as mine, but everyone else was too busy in themselves!

Kleptomania as a disease is a sorry state to be!
I mean even Wynona Ryder is guilty of the same!
But stealing like this is often a wretched excuse to perpetuate being stingy!

I related the same to my dear friend who took me there*just for gossip’s sake...like for every 10 pieces of scandals transmitted by her to me, I feel morally bound to at least return one and this was my only chance...so don’t judge me*
I was educated back on how her household has forks and napkins*used as dusters only I presume...otherwise it is too gross to let my imagination wonder at that* of that same restaurant where we were lunching in!

Okay...not that I am totally ‘doodh ka dhula’. The dumbest thing but that I do to ‘save’ money is, to refill the mineral water bottle to take it to the theatre when we go for movies. I tell my dear beloved quite proudly ‘if I can’t save your Rs. 40 at the parking...I can at least save the same amount on the elixir of life-water, which is a bountiful gift of nature and yet is being sold???????? How low can people get!’

Anyways...this one incident brought back many memories of perfect as well as pathetic pocketing encounters!
I remember a couple of years ago we had gone for a ‘teen patti’ cards session to one of our distant acquaintance’s house on Diwali. The furniture had been cleared out from the drawing room and clean white sheets had been sprawled upon the carpet for ‘players’ to sit, form a circle and impart with their hard earned cash, just for the love of three pieces of paper held covetously in their palms!

I too unloaded myself on one of the sheets!
Imagine again my horrified state when after a few minutes, I noticed at the edge of it, a printed symbol of ‘The Indian Railways’!
It was not just on one sheet but on two out of the five spread out!*yes, I went around the edges of every sheet after that as inconspicuously as James Bond at work and as curiously as a sly cat to confirm my suspicions...and the culprit was caught*
Oh my gaaaaaaaawd!



Again, during my brother’s wedding at a posh resort, where the guests were put up, after all the dust had settled in and we were packing up, the receptionist called us to the desk to inform that two paintings had vanished off the walls of one of the rooms occupied by our guests!

I couldn’t help saying “wow” to this artistry!
I mean I am guilty of taking back the shampoos, creams, etc from the bathrooms, much to the grimace of my dearly beloved*but then five stars charge us through our nose and this is the least that they can do without. Those little bottles make excellent travelling companions yaar*
But it never occurred to me*and thank god for it* that there was scope for expansion of my embezzlements!

Okay...before you guys close all your hospitable doors on my face, I DO NOT steal...never have and never would...except for this once and it was more like a dare! Like everything else, let me get here again in confessional mode,
“Father, I have sinned....”

This was when I was young...younger...and we would often visit this really popular book store. Once I had gone there with my father n uncle and I really wanted this great new book on the shelf! Pa had run short of cash for we had already purchased my year’s quota of school books!

So I asked my uncle to buy me one!
And then, for the mischievous genes that run in our blood...he challenged me to try somehow to get it myself to prove to him that I was actually resourceful and a true bloodied ‘Kapoor’! Now, I was too young then to know or use my art of seduction, but old enough to know that my aan-baan n shaan or the uprightness of my long nose depended on this.
So I pinched it!
Yup...just like that!
Kept it under my shirt and put my bag between my arms, in front to conceal it!
And I walked out of there with my head held high!

I was later blasted by both my uncle and father for doing something so foolish when the former only meant it as a joke!
Helloooooooo...you ought to be careful with an eleven year old about what you joke! She is too young then to articulate them*I mean as it is I used to have a tough time in trying to understand the pure non-veg jokes then...on top of that, I was expected to understand even the veg ones...unfair, I tell you*!

They gave me money to return back to the store....which of course I didn’t have the guts to do and I let it rest at that!
I still have the book as the first and last trophy of my actual mehnat-ki-kamai but gave up on my dream then to become the master of any fleecing game!



Now, where were we on this issue?
Never mind...
This post I hope has taught you important lessons!
To sum it up...let me tell you a short birdie parable:
Once, a little bird was flying back home in winter, but soon the bird froze and fell to the ground.
A cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
The bird began to realize how warm it was and soon began to sing with joy!
A passing cat heard the bird singing, dug the bird out, cleaned it and ate it!

Lessons to learn:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy!
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend!
3. When in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!!!!