The Facebook Suitors

Facebook has become the next big thing since a long-ish time and is refusing to budge from its pedestal of enjoying unanimous universal popularity. Waise who am I to say, I practically live there every day! So much that I am in serious consideration of changing my address on my visiting card to:

                             Suruchi Arora, 

                             420, Profile Lane, Home Nagar,

                             Facebook. 

                             Meeting hours: Immediately after status update.

                             (Please come only with prior appointment written on the wall              

                             and at your risk)

                             P.S. Kindly do not bring pokes and phraands request along.

It is also like the best hook up joint of sorts one could ever deem of, taking over much of the job done by hitherto coffee shops, bars, eating joints, libraries, etc, which come in action per se after an internet setting is reached. It is interesting to see how an entirely new species of Facebook suitors has evolved and is flourishing. Here are a few whom I have come across or heard of although there was no friendship swayamvar that I remember to have announced despite my short term memory loss syndrome.

THE COMMON FRIEND FINDER:

This is a popular specie. He thinks this way: we have 28 friends in common so we deserve to bump into each other on the thoroughfares of Facebook, never mind if you don’t know or care whether he exists or what the other friends perceive him to be. He would send a random friend’s request hoping praying on his knees to be accepted thinking it is polite courtesy to honour friends of friends or simply do so in the baffled state of mind that maybe you do know him since many whom you know, know him and thereby he might become known to you, his knowingly but your unknowingly.

THE HI (high-haye haye) MAN:

Alright I don’t know how his presumptuous mind works but he seems to think a “Hi” in the inbox would suffice to generate an enthusiastic response from the girl/lady in question. And if not, then the next message of “How are you?” would definitely get her to vomit her heart out of how she is.

THE WELL-WISHER:

Somehow there is this person who has managed to enter the coveted friends list and now how does he make sure he stays there forever-he sends you a “Good morning”, a “Good afternoon”, “ Hey, it’s evening ya, thank you for reminding otherwise I would have never known have a nice one” and then “Good night, sweet dreams.” Wow, ain’t that cute now! My very own personal wishing machine that makes me jump to check my notifications only to end up with the feeling that I am crossing a lobby of waiters at a popular hotel.

THE YOU’LL FIND ME EVERYWHERE-ER:

You update a status and he “likes” it, you do a dumb quiz that says you were a peacock in your previous birth and he clicks on the thumb again. Heck, you wish a common friend “Happy Birthday” which a zillion others are anyways doing, but no, he likes it how you mouth text these two simple words. You put up a long post that took you an hour to read and understand but he would take just one second to “Like” it. How likeable is that!

THE I-AM-NEVER-SHORT-OF-A-GOOD-WORD-FOR-YOU:

The previously mentioned variety can also metamorphose into this one if he has a reasonable gift of gab or a relatively long experience of saying stuff to girls which he thinks and often they too that they like. So you have flattering comments on your pictures, a random note in the inbox that says how pretty you are or how he is waiting from so long to hear from you or you remind him of his girl whom he broke up with. Such people are born with the understanding that all women like to be complimented and by default they lack the complicated system that can sieve through the genuine praises from the for-the-sake-of ones.

 THE TOUCHY BAG:

“Hi, loved your blog. Can we be friends?” Yes, just this much. Or they’d say they’ve been reading my blog and love it and then put up the million dollar question, while I go with a magnifying glass to check out if they have ever left a comment-naah, never. Yet they say they were touched-I am even afraid to ask back ‘Where?’

THE IN-BOX-ER:

Nope, he does not come with gloves, but with a veil. This breed would always have something to say about what you do-a status update, a blog post, a recent activity, pictures uploaded-but yeh janaab thode sharmile hain. He would not comment on the open-for-all domains which are for the common retards as they might believe. He is the inboxing man-a little private you see. His justification, “I don’t want the world to see how I feel, it is just between you and me.” Awwwwww.....how convenient how different!

THE STORY TELLER:

This one is a master of words-he would pen down a three page personal mail in your inbox that may vary in content on the following lines:

1. It could be his analysis of your face reading and thereby what kind of a person he thinks you are and such an elucidation that even your blood related parents would have not thought so highly of you, even in their proudest moments.

2. He may enumerate a summary of you based on your sun sign/birth date/blog updates and such high acclaim that you might be forced to go up to the mirror and tell yourself how you are god's gift to mankind.

3. Expect a very gratitude dipped note on how a particular post you wrote changed his life oh god, such requests should come with a handkerchief free-sniff, sniff and after a couple of more such notes, the fraands request would follow.

4. Keep your shoulders ready for him to lean on for he would shoot a very sob story about his life and how he does not want pity he demands it.

5. And if you are very lucky, there just might be a long ode with actual rhymes in the line ends, written in your praise like no Milton or Eliot could ever fathom. 

THE HITTING-ARROWS-IN-THE-DARK FAKERS: 
I remember receiving two strange inbox messages- "Are you the Suruchi Arora of SMC batch of 1986 because you surely look like her-the same features and the same smile..blah, blah?" and then the same fraands request at the end of it all. They were so convincing that they almost made me walk up to my mom and ask if mere ten years older koi twin sister to nahi hue the who got bichodoed in the SMC ka mela!

THE ATTACHMENT FREAK:

Nopes, this is not a person who is looking for attachments or is he not really or gets clingy like a leech-this is a person who can’t help click on to all the applications to send you flowers/hearts/smiley/chocolates/teddies/stars/positive thoughts/a yatch in the Mediterranean/naughty notes and the likes. Makes you wish for once that Fb charged at least for some services. Free mein everyone’s become Bill Gates ke chacha and Danveer Karan ke kalyug ki avtaar.

That’s about it for now but don’t think you have seen them all my friends-

The woods are lovely dark and deep

And such suitors have promises to keep,

And miles to go before they sleep not with you however they may wish

And miles to go before they sleep however you may plead!