Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

15 September, 2011

Somebody Please Invent these...



I am not much of a science person. In fact I fear what if someday the world comes to an end and I am the only one left of my species, who is stumbled upon by a newly formed, genetically evolved race, out of the debris of the nuclear wastes in some tropical forests I am so proud of myself for making this sound so Terminator-ish; they ask me how my world was and I tell them of televisions and mobile phones of air conditioners and of the internet or aeroplanes and other stuff but with no fucking idea of how they can be made or made to work. That would be the end of the human race, hitherto symbolised by me.

But I do respect invention despite the fact that I think our technologists and scientists are all on a wide off the mark trail of innovation currently. Studying some rare species of ants in same rarer grasslands or how feeding 500 people for 500 days with xyz food would have what result in the body, is a big fat bundle of hogwash. The world needs some things else...

Imagine such dilemmas that we face every day:
I think my boyfriend broke up with me because he felt I was too insecure...
*Accusations raised at you* The baby fell ill because of what you did/did not...
I think the girl likes me more for my money than my company...

Agar aap aise sawaalon se pareshaan aur hairaan hain, to chinta na karen:
Introducing now: The FINDOMETER! Just voice your question into this amazing new gadget and pat would come out a placard with a yes/no to your query along with the actual reason for the occurrence of the seed of doubt. It helps redeem lives! Book now and get a Lie Detector free! Offer valid till stocks last.”
Now that would be one invention that would result in less depressed souls around the planet.

Or perhaps a gadget/super power by which you close your eyes and say the name of the place followed by Abracadabra and voila, you reach there within a blink. I shall name it the ANYWHERE BLINKER. Visualize going to the beach of Goa as in right now, without the hassles of travelling or expenses or any packing of bags. Just slip into your beachwear in your room, dab some sunscreen, blink those beautiful eyes and open them to the sight of the vast expanse of beckoning sea and tempting life guards. Spend two hours on the beach, close your eyes again and say ‘Kanpur Abracadabra’ and return back to wake the sleeping baby from her afternoon siesta. Yes, thoughts like these fill up the vast dingy and vacant corners of my almost empty mind when sleep eludes me and life and even Facebook with its din and glory fail to entice. The devil’s workshop comes into existence with a bang and flourishes, with or without takers.

Do you realize what a path breaking innovation this would be-as relevant to history as the discovery of electricity or gravity perhaps? That means no congestion of traffic on roads; no need for petrol and thereby no burning of fossil fuels and no global warming. You don’t have to wake up an hour earlier because that’s how much time it takes for you to commute to work every day. There is no competition for owning a big car vis-à-vis a small one for there would be no cars-no horns, no need for driving licenses or depending on husbands to drive us around and no car sickness! It’s a cure all! No accidents, where hundreds of lives are lost. My god, I am a genius!

But the idea needs a bit of R&D, ab saara kaam mein he thoda na karonge-why did these scientists take up their jobs in the first place? Like there would always be some perverts who’d close their eyes and say ‘Kareena Kapoor’s bathroom Abracadabra’. So for these jerks there would be features like ‘Spam Enterers’, ‘Customize Personal Radius’, ‘Knock my Block’ and the likes. I am the next Mark Zuckerburg or what!

My suggestion list has more mind boggling prospects-
The FAT TRANSPORTER-a gadget that would come like with two wide belts connected via a pipe. So when one wears it, there would be fat transforming into painless droplets and travel through the tube into another belt and thereby into the body of a severely under nourished specimen. Within a few hours both get the desired weight without any side effects or pain. So there would be no treadmills, steam or sauna rooms and the likes that emit carbon and do other blah blah damage to our poor environment.

The SEXPULATION- a powdery substance, which when sprinkled even a pinch bhar on the body of your spouse when he is horny, would give him the satiation of having just had sex and turn around and sleep without a cribbing or accusing word. Can you imagine how many women around the globe would not mind forgetting to have a pillow under their head before going to sleep, but not a packet of the Sexpulation?

The CASSANOVA REPAIRER: Something that helps change a philandering boyfriend/husband okay fine even the fairer sex into a loyal-for-life one! All you have to do is throw a bottle of this liquid on his head like some headless people throw acid on some helpless women. And to know if he really loves you or not please use the Findometer!

The CLONER: a machine that makes you stand in a state-of-the-art cylinder for two minutes to create a clone of you, so identical that you’ll feel you are standing in front of a mirror. So you won’t HAVE TO be anywhere that you don’t want to be or not be anywhere that you want to for a fixed number of hours before the clone evaporates in air.





Alright all big heads, I have provided you the brain wave here-get your pretty asses on some work and start inventing these. I don’t need any credit nor would sue you for any copyright claims sometimes I wonder if I am more hopelessly romantic or more hopelessly magnanimous except that when these do come about, kindly try and test them and then send me one of each! Thank you and may your imagination never rest. And in case the brilliant inventors and scientists don’t stumble upon my page even Einstein apparently lived in anonymity till his worth was realized, let this be an open letter to God to send me a magic wand or if not at least a witch’s broom!

54 comments:

Red Handed said...

Each and every day of my life, i have prayed for FATTrasporter to come true. Their are so many around me who could do with a little bit of my awesome fat!
I dont mind the Casanovacorrecter too, but i guess by guy wud b using tht on me.lol!

Purba said...

I have a feeling that you have evolved beyond the human race. We need Scientists who think like you.

And I am going on a fast till Scientists worldwide make your wishful thinking come true.

Sakshi said...

And all I would like to say to this is, that, in case any one makes these lovely gadgets, Phlease contact me for patenting them! :D

Shreya said...

fat transporter ? how about some powder which when put into your mouth would satiate your hunger as if you just relished on your favorite food :D this one is sure possible in near future.And Would sure earn millions :) what say ?

Sadiya Merchant said...

last woman on earth!
itna conphidanceee!!! :D
a total fundoo post, awesum creative n peez peez peezz pass me d anywhere blinker too. in fact once u get urs *wich wil b limited edition i gues, cos scientists dont cater to d janta wholesale main*, i reckon u outsourc its mass production to china. even bettr make clones of d gadgets itself!

clone thingy reminds me of 'the prestige', tho u seem to hav catered to d problem in it by evaporatin as wel.
u wer rite!
tusi GENIUS ho!
<3

Prateek Sur said...

This is a classic piece..esp for my gf who aspires to become a scientist someday..Wat a weird combo we have..A wannabe actor and a wannabe scientist..I will forward this page to her to invent these stuff and port you one piece of each of them..he he..
try checking out my blog and commenting on my posts..would luv to hear from u..
www.headacheandtension.blogspot.com

Muhammad Israr said...

hahaha...FINDOMETER...and ANYWHERE BLINKER...hahaha...i wonder why nobody thought of it? sure we need these things and one day i hope these will be common like tv and mobile phones :)

maithili said...

Of all things mentioned here FAT TRANSPORTER tops my wish list!!! :D :D

Also the ANYWHERE BLINKER would be such awesome technology! I have to set out 2 hours before college starts to reach on time :P :P Also I can quitely slip to my other half's place :D :D

☆ Rià ღ said...

Lol!! I am lmao...ur posts always crack me up. :D

Note: Your background is too green/dark due to which the side columns are not visible and cannot be read. U cud make it a bit more visible by either changing the background or change the font to white. Hope u don't mind. :)

Alka Gurha said...

Such out of the box ideas dear good looking scientist.

Fat transporter ban jaaye to send me by speed post..how about something for the fine lines which are creeping up steadily? A ten rupee botox which is more affordable.
A suggestion Suru, the black background strains the eyes while reading or perhaps I am aging.

Thousif Raza said...

ok those are some very creative ideas... but such may sexupulation? u woman dislike sex so much? :O... i thought ke girls were more horny :P... cuteness aside ;)... i think yeah it would be a cool think... blinker is the thing that cannot be achieved though sorry for the nerd braking ur dreams :P... because u have to be destroyed at a place and recreated at a place :P.(i am so gonna remain a virgin :P i i know)... so there'rs ur answer

and abt the other things s... they'll be really helpful except the sexpulation... but dont u think if men got that... they would never marry :O...

This just in: 100000 men stormed the stores of sexupulation and girls r committing suicide as no one wants a gf anymore but a bottle of sexupulation...

I am so mean :P sorry... just had to say that.... so u see... the world is better as it is... with good sex... and memories done by travelling... for the casanova thing... totally agree... i might even fund it... (emotional atyachar is such a big profit machine now :O)... anyway...

I has such fun writing this comment... thank you so much for pulling me out of my boredom :)... sorry i haven't visited... work busy... but honest.y... i loved the article... shows ur creativity :)

Give my love to seeya :)... take care and keep writing..........

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Okay, a note before I write anything. I read this while I was trying to evade a boring lecture that lasted a ghastly (lets calculate) umm, awful 8 and a half hours and was minus 100% interesting. So if I miss something, it is highly unintentional.

Okay, now getting on to the post. Well, you've given creative ideas to the scientists who will create. But where are they gone? Lunch perhaps. But a findometer coupled with the Casanova repairer will serve a greater good. Not sure if the abracadabra transport service would hold strong in case everyone started using it.

Nice innovative post. It should be considered for a Nobel Peace prize. Man happy without sex, woman happy it land into shopping malls the moment they feel the itch. :P

Cheers,
Blasphemous Aesthete

Bikramjit said...

you better copyright these ideas .. lest they become real one day ..

I would do with the FAT Transporter I need to shed some :)

and the ones to trasport ooooh i would love that .. and hey to be invisible tooo.. it would be fun spying on people being invisible :) and also jsut climb a plane FREEE :) if invisible

take sweet revenge too I got so many to take .. someone invent the invisible thingy ...

Where have you been all these days ... OH OH OH i know i know .. Thinking of these ideasssssssssssss
silly me ..

Bikram's

Tanvi said...

I will pass on your suggestions to my scientist husband! :D hehhe

♡ from © tanvii.com

Suruchi said...

@Red,
There would be a day when a girl’s dream come true would not be a man, but a machine-The Fat Transporter:-)
And I so like the term “awesome” fat...
My fat is kinda jealous cause I never spoke of it so flatteringly:-)

And the Casanova corrector to be used on u...lol!:-)



@Sakshi,
Alright you patent them then. Waise bhi looking like you and having a bf like yours you don’t need any of these really!;-)

Suruchi said...

@Purba,
I feel I have evolved beyond the human race too and gone many light years behind!:/ We don’t need scientists who think like me, trust me or else most of nation’s research n development money would be spent on drooling, brownies, movies, a bit of shopping and a whole lot of day dreaming:-)

And please don’t go on a fast...we are too slow to follow you:-)


@Shreya,
A powder which satiates hunger minus the calories sounds so cool...dekha science ache se padhne ka fayda...mein to aise he hawa mein teer chodh rahe the! This one’s bang on:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sadiya,
Haaaaw meine to socha he nahi tha ki THODA sa over conphidancee ho gaya! :) Wow, kitne mast thinkers hain mere blogger friends! Clone of the gadget to mere dimaag mein bhi nahi aaya...waise dimaag bhi nahi aaya abhi tak;-)

Anywhere Blinker would be shared with thou my super witty friend and meine clone thingy ka solution bhi de diya aur mujhe pata bhi nahi chala-my god, I have to agree with you then on the Genius part;-)
Thanks a bunch sweetie pie!

Suruchi said...

@Prateek,
Pleeeeeeeeeeje do forward this to your girlfriend-we must serve humanity in whatever way we can and the time for you to rise to the call of mankind has come:-)
And wannabe actor n waanabe scientist ka combo is actually a killer one-ek dreamer n doosra logical. All the best:-) Would check your posts soon!


@Muhammad Israr,
I know right! Nobody is thinking of stuff they should actually be thinking of!
Sab raah bhatak gaye hain:-)
I wait for the day too when they become commonplace at my place:-)

Suruchi said...

@Maithili,
Hey, looks like the Fat Transporter would be off the shelves even before we would need to publicise it:-)

And hain na, Anywhere Blinker kitna cool hain na especially for lovers-no lambi judai, no hanging a bedsheet by the window to slide down and run into anyone’s arms-bas ready-sheady hue n pahunch gaye and pappi-shappi leke wapas before we are missed...sigh! Inventors, listening?:-)



@Ria,
Thanks yaar for guiding me on the background-I changed it and thinks it looks better now. Come on, you did me a favour-why would I mind? Uske liye to mind chahiye hota hain na?;-)

Suruchi said...

@Alks,
Yaar Fat Transporter ki liye milke pray karte hain-they say mass prayers are always effective. We already have some five gals ka support here. Let’s go on a hunger strike for this-so even if they did not bring out the gadget shaayad isse bahane kuch kam ho jaaye;-)

And I also thought about the fine lines-THE LINE BLOW DRIER-a gadget like a hair drier that sends air waves, so when you direct it to the problem area and let it blow the lines become flat on the surface and tightens them through. It would also come with pressure settings for all kinds of lines. Hehe...I have gone mad today!

And that stupid black backdrop was straining my eyes too and I was wondering if I am aging! Thanks a bunch for bringing back my sense and satisfaction that I am not!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Thousif,
Where are you ji? I went on your page seeing an update and wahan to Samsung ki story the...Thousif ki kahan hain?:(

Aur mere sapno ko tod diya...boo hoo!
We women don’t hate sex, we mind the timings and frequency of it after managing big, fat homes and husbands:-) So kabhi kabhi use ki liye to theek hain na, unless we are horny that is! And it would work only on married men, so women need not fear never walking down the aisle;-)
And Anywhere Blinker bhi rule out kar diya...meano! And don’t worry you won’t die a virgin...whoaaaa matlab abhi tak virgin? Now would this little information increase traffic your way!;-)

Acha chalo, we’ll let the world remain as it is-SIRF MERE LIYE HE PHIR KOI INVENT KAR DE PLEASE-I promise life-long entertainment to them by writing personal blog posts in their honour-Lol!

Thank you so much for the nice comment like always-and koi na busy ho aap, I know. Many of my best friends are so busy working these days-I need to catch them younger or unemployed now!:-)
Love to you too!

Suruchi said...

@Anshul,
You were in an eight n a half hour lecture?????????
What was it about-Why one should remain single? Coz that’s the only thing one could keep talking about-but then you said minus 100% interesting...so I think not!:-)

And woh scientists ko bolo Lunch hour over-gluttony is also a sin, you know! And woh Abracadabra Transport service ke hitches meine soch liye the...tabhi to Spam Enterers and Knock My Block features add kare the...

And you know what-there can be another clause-somebody at the stop you want to go to must press a button to accept you there, for you to land there!
Voila-problem solved. And also would make us appreciate the jingle-kyonki har ek friend zaroori hota hain:-)

And thanku thanku for that noble consideration for Noble-ek johri he heera ki kadr jaanta hain:-)

Suruchi said...

@Biky,
Abhi invisible waala gadget pe Mr. India ne copyright le liya, so I let it pass-ab kya Anil Kapoor se ladna, uske is umr mein!
Hehe:-)

Where have I been you ask? When I have posted “where are you?” on your fb wall, on your posts, on my Teacher’s Day post and the like!
Koi count karega to sochega hamare beech kuch chal raha hain!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Tanvi,
Wow..we found a scientist-yiy, yiy, yiy...but he is too good looking to be a scientist yaar. Aren't they supposed to have a weird hairstyle and unkempt beards, etc?

Check kar lo, science lab he jaate hain na, undercover model-shodel to nahi hain...lol, just kidding. Please tell him to do this favour on your big fat...er... big fan me:-)

Pythoroshan said...

i'll order one FAT TRANSPORTER please... and I'd like the address of the factory where the SEXPULATION is being made..nothing much..just a few mail bombs, 'random' acts of terrorism..the usual :)

Because ( to paraphrase Mel Gibson from Braveheart ) They may take my fat...BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE MY ORGASSSSMMMMS!!!!

Am In Trance said...

The SEXPULATION ??
What The ???

Sh**..! I'll go on an indefinite Hunger Strike if any Son of a Bi*#% invents this..!
I'll kill him again & again whenever I see his bloody Gay face...!

This is so annoying..! So uncalled for..!! Such bizarre..!!
AaaaarghHHH..!!

PS: I am very AnGry...!
HmmpH..! Never expected such an idea from you...!

:(

Thousif Raza said...

i'll be back when u write again... and i am gonna update... bohot kuch ho gaya hai life may.. very interesting stuff... at least for me.. :)... felt great reading ur comment... and virgin ya non virgin ;) lets leave it to imagination :P....

he he... but i'd say... :P...

take care and keep writing...........

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha VLCC has been trying to sell their version of a fat transportator for years !!!!!

Anita :) said...

FAT Transporter!!! Oh my what an awesome invention...that too painless!!! U are a genius I say.! Findometer will probably have a bad side to it... cos bitter truths comng out of it may create more havoc..sometimes its better to pretend or to believe its not true :)

Mishi said...

aww I need that Fat transporter soooo much! gerat great great read..you are so innovative mashALLAH..always come up with zaburdust ideas:-)

☆ Rià ღ said...

Lol on the last line!! Yes, this looks much better. :)

DISGRUNTLED GENIUS said...

Nice imagination.. good post.

Cheers
DG

A said...

Cannot stop laughing. Only you can come up with this list. I am sure you will never use that pill for your spouse though...

Droopy Rose said...

The CASSANOVA REPAIRER. WOW, if "someone"( yes, delegation is the key for a lazy bug like me) invents that, there would be no more of heart-breaks, no sad songs, no more of Devdas! May be a MEMORY DELETER would also be a great product used for people you don't wanna think about :P The complete post and products are amazing! Hope it comes true someday for a better life! yeah, I know, human wishes are endless :D

Suruchi said...

@Roshan,
Haaaaaw...random acts of terrorism do not suit such a peaceful looking doc like you...and I loooooooooooooved how you twisted the last line-they’ll be so obliged to take your fat by the way and so glad to leave you with all your orgasmmmmmmms:-)


@Anonymous,
Damn these VlCC people, stealing my thoughts even before they are formulated:-)

Suruchi said...

@AIT,
Shaant ho jao gada dhaari bheem-acha woh gadget mein ek *conditions apply* ka clause laga denge-karne he padega since you didn't mention "You are the best" first time on the comment:(
Kitne self-motivated duniya hain-acha clause hoga that women cannot use it two nights in a row-ab khush?
Hehe...I died laughing reading your comment:-)


@Thousif,
Anything that’s interesting for one is interesting for all-share, share, share:-)
And till then we’ll let the imagination run a little wild;-)

Suruchi said...

@Anita,
Hain na, I thought the painless variety would be more appreciated by all of us especially since the fat has been a pain we-know-where-all since ages;-)

And yes, the Findometer part also makes sense-sometimes it is better not to find but be lost in what we believe:-)


@Mishi,
Thank you so much and I am so glad for the support Fat Transporter had achieved-goes to show I am not alone in my battle;-)


@Ria,
Thanks again:-)

Suruchi said...

@DISGRUNTLED GENIUS,
Thank you:-)

@A,
Arre, all these ideas for inventions are borne out of my sore needs for them, so you can imagine how I am dying to use that portion on my spouse;-)


@Droopy Rose,
Never mind the delegation streaks-all humans are born with it or acquire with time...speaking through my experience! And thank you for adding to the benefits there-is only the world understood us like we do about ourselves;-)

Memory Deleter sounds cool too-but would need so much more R&D-kahin ache waale bhi na delete ho jaayen na:-)

Alka Gurha said...

The line blow dryer sounds interesting, thoda jaldi karo or else full power setting par chalana padega....the white background is easy on the eyes.

Sovina said...

my God girl! your imagination sure runs wild..what would the world do without people like you ;) I would totally buy the The transporter and the cloner ..even if it cost multi million dollars..totally good return on investment..now only if We WERE living in a terminatiorish world, all your ideas would come true and there would ....i think for all this we need someone as handsome and as cool as out IRON MAN - Robert Downey Jr..now only if it Tony Stark is somewhere in real life ;))

Love
S

Arpit Rastogi said...

Ha ha..
Matlab aap to na ek number ki genius ho.. :D

My fav inventions of all is ANYWHERE BLINKER!!! :P
& i would love to volunteer for the testing purpose of Pervert Detector! :P

Happy Blogging!

And thanks for being regular on my blog! :) :)

Fatima said...

haha you are awesome suruchi :P

I so wish that Fat Transporter was invented :P

seriously where do you come up with all this stuff..it was hilarious and mast too....

kash yaar all these woudl hav been kinna aacha hota :P

TC

blunt edges said...

LOL! Though all the inventions mentioned are great, if there was a poll about which one I want first, I would definitely go with the "Anywhere Blinker" (without the spam thingy of course :P), and the Fat Transporter! ;)

And the post makes me wonder. If you could be a super-heroine, and choose your powers, what would it be? :D

Haddock said...

All said and done, who knows, one day all this may be a reality :-)

And then you may wish that you should not have wished these....

Bhagyashree said...

Hey Suruchi...

How about reading the Harry Potter series and trying to remember the names of charmes, jinxes and potions which an do all these till the time these gadgets are discovered...

☆ ayu☆ said...

lol..i want the FAT TRANSPORTER and the CLONER!! very useful!! :D

RE:thank you! :D

Tanvi said...

Hehe! Lab hee jate hain! I checked :P

You are not fat, but I have passed on your suggestions to him!!! Hehe

♡ from © tanvii.com

Suruchi said...

@Alks,
Hehe...mere haath mein hota to world kahan se kahan pahunch gaya hota na;-)


@Sovi,
Wow-we have got all super hero-ish also in our wishlist!
Awesome-ek Superman he mil jaaye...the rest we’ll make him come true anyways;-)


@Arpit,
Haha...thank you...kahin to ek number mila;-)
And Pervert Detector is still under construction n invention-the species is a bit tricky to detect na;-)

Suruchi said...

@Fatima,
Thank you and we are all together in the sighing and wishing-mass prayers mein bahut taakat hote hain...who knows?;-)


@Haddock,
These might be...and then the wish of these not being might be too...tab saath mein kuch aur wish kar lenge to compensate-there would never be taxes on wishing*hopefully*:-)

Suruchi said...

@Bhagyashree,
Harry Porter is not my cup of tea-I mean not the poor boy but those very rich books...I would manage with sighing till they are invented-and prayers of course:-)


@Ayu,
Thank you and I hope you get them too, after me that is:-)


@Tanvi,
Good then...and wondering if he’ll do something about my fat first or my crazy mind:-)

Suruchi said...

@Blunty,
The Anywhere Blinker does not come minus the spam thingy...let it be invented and Bangalore is the first place I shall use it on;-)

If I could be a super heroine and choose my powers...hmm...I should be like that gennie in ‘I dream of Gennie’ serial that was aired on tv some million years ago-so I blink and my wish comes true...voilent-shiolent hoke kya karna hain jab pyar se duniya pat jaate hain;-)

Chintan said...

:) I want one invention! And only one. Something that reads my mind, blogs and am all set. When I thinking, I can tweet, directly while am still thinking :) I too explained it on my blog sometime back.....

Sigh! If only I was a scientist.

Looovvveee
Chintan

sobhit said...

d sexpulation.. suruchiji... side effects bhi toh consider karo... ppl can make wrong use f dis n d whole art f reprocduction wud b vanished.. yeh toh khatarnak cheze hai.. :P.. isko hata do invention list se.. baki jo karna karvana hai invent go ahead. but dont destroy d balance f nature :P :P

Suruchi said...

@Chints,
Yup, I want that too-I have to write so much of work for my students whom I teach, as a part of setting their work. Wish there was a machine which wrote my points and thoughts at my mere order:-)
Sigh!:-)


@Sobhit,
Thank you so much jo aapka “go ahead” mil gaya...now I can work on inventing these with an easy mind;-)
Arre koi side effects nahi honge-just as there are horny men, there are also horny women;-)
Nature is safe:-)

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