Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

15 December, 2013

To have Loved and lost...

Dear Love,
Every morning that I wake up without you by my side, I wake up as though in parts, leaving something of me behind on the pillow, on the sheet, that has my curves twisting and turning all through the night. The arms extending to an empty bed, hoping to feel at my finger’s edge, the rush of brushing against your skin, but returning empty, paralyzed in an unknown dread. I wonder if I fear more the absence of you or the absence of myself in all my presence.

The body rises to do its chores while the mind drifts to a weary sleeplessness, a queer numbness to disappointment or elation, although the mouth animates into automated frowns and smiles. It is like walking with a hole in the heart, whose margins threaten to extend on every side, to eventually take the shape of me. My quivering hands hold the pots and pans, till I sit back and clench them in a silent anguish, for they miss your fingers clasped within. I light the fire under my tea, even as my own slowly whimpers dying within me.

I wash my face with cold water, hoping to break the reverie of your thoughts that barge in one after another so seamlessly that I just watch, helpless, letting each one walk all over me. I look up at my face in the mirror and don’t see me no matter how much I scrunch my eyes. I see you, I feel you. And with the trickling droplets perhaps, shed a tear or two. 
Another day, another strife, and the same life but without you!

I pretty up my face, fill color on my lips, I wear the clothes that once froze your gaze to me. I go out, seem brave, show I’ve moved on but waiting within for the mask to become me. I shut tight my eyes at every little thing that reminds me, of you, of being yours ~ the steaming cup of black coffee, the fresh flower on the vase placed near me, the post-it notes on the to-do board, with yours missing conspicuously. I wipe the ketchup edging my mouth with a sorry napkin, missing your lips tasting it off me.

I move through the day knowing not if I am glad it has ended or sad that begins now the night, the returning to an empty house, no welcome smiles, no gentle rub of tired shoulders, no I’ll-join-you-in-the-shower fights. No putting me up on the kitchen shelf while flour scatters in the air so wild. No steaming kisses, no cuddles in bed, no blanket over my sleeping body covering me from the cold night.

Another day, another strife, and the same life but without you!
Yours piningly,
Me.


(I can’t imagine how brave are the souls that move on in life after losing a loved one. I shuddered as I wrote this, thankful in the same breath of whatever’s mine. Also strength and love to those who walk tall in such a life, may love find you again soon.)

16 comments:

Sourav said...

This is so YOU! Wonderful, Suruchi :)

The Vagabond said...

Dear Suruchi, I have seen few people with the gift of articulation as great as yours-the only other person that I know of with this gift is of course the lost love of my life. Your blog reflects, and in ample measure at that, thoughts which many of us will have but may never be able to put into words. This to me is the biggest virtue of your post. Brilliantly written, it has the power to connect with the chosen few who are lucky enough to live with the sense of loss day in and day out- lucky because, love blesses a lot of people, its only a chosen few who have the luxury to live with their sense of loss. Please keep the writing going!

Roshan Radhakrishnan said...

Good to have u back... as always, your style of writing prose that touches people's hearts remain... kudos for that

-*-Poonam-*- said...

:( :(

PeeVee™ said...

After so long!!
And yet still the very same Suruchi... Beautiful, poignant and made me shudder too..

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

It's right to write with a heavy heart, and it is but necessary to give the emotion a way out. But I think that everything in the world can heal, it is us refusing to let go. I know it's tough, it has got to be, and I understand there will be pangs later, but I also know that there is always hope, should we decide in favour of being hopeful.

I think the answer is simple, letting go.

Wonderful post Suruchi :-)

Cheers,
Blasphemous Aesthete

sulagna ™ said...

its a joy to read you again Su..missed you darling ! and can i be very honest..i know this sounds filmy, but Bhagwan tumahri Jodi amar rakhey :) mmuaahh !!

Mishi said...

You know what Suruchi..You always were and still are one of my MOST FAV BLOGGERS here..loved every word of it; may be becase I have something to relate to it:)

Lady Whispers said...

You are a magician Suru :*
Off late that emptiness made me think on these lines for past did a calling and I had to close the doors.
I felt the same once years back and now I wish maybe someday love calls again. sigh. But not all are lucky.

Anonymous said...

This makes me feel grateful. You are a powerhouse of expression.

- SKB

Soham Malakar said...

Yes brave are the souls indeed who can move on.
I really can not imagine to look back and reminisce those poignant frozen memories. They are still burning inside me. Your story reminded me of my scars.
I think the latter part of the 2013 was the season of brake up. :'(
Another broken heart.. Soham

Jack said...

Suruchi,

Touches the heart.

Take care

Marise said...

Lovely words!

CRD said...

Gosh!! Every sentence was powerful enough to cause a prick somewhere inside

Beautiful post.

First time here I think. Not my last time for sure.

Cheers
CRD

Updated mine. Do drop by.

pygmalion said...

Suru dear,
I did miss u a lot.. I am infrequent here too and today now when i logged in somehow i remebered those times, when your posts used to make me feel so comfortable with myself.. and see what.. the first notification was of your post (The Queen one)

You have shared here a fear every woman dares not to even think of.
And the hole in the heart .. oh my.. how beautifully you ve shown us their colourful world too.. the flour and the kitchen shelf and all that...

do write more.. love

rageshgr said...

Every word echoes through the reader's heart, mind and soul. Awesome writing!

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