Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

08 November, 2011

Dear World-gasping-at-my-being-a-virgin-still

(Prelogue-This post comes a little too late for the Discussion on ‘Virginity’ done on the Darlings of Venus blog page all of last month. What can I say, when a woman’s got to go, she’s got to go on an inspiration derived writing spree of course! Everyone (mostly women) expressed their views on virginity being preferred due to fear of society ka stigma or saving themselves for the perfect chu...chum. Another option asked there was-Is virginity also an outcome of lack of opportunity? Everyone went boo hoo saying ‘Whaaaaaaaaat opportunity!’ Anyone and everyone's having sex! Begging to differ-Cut here to the dilemma a 25 year old virgin boy in this open letter)

Dear World-gasping-at-my-being-a-virgin-still,
If anyone asks me this one more time, I would either bang the first girl I see on the road or tell them to sit on my middle finger and spin: “Haaaaw, you are still a virgin? What happened-or rather did not?” as though I have contracted a fatal disease and they must console me with every atom in their frigging being! And there are so many other things in the world to count-Kim Kardashian’s days being wedded, Manmohan’s days being silent, population exploding to 6 billion-why the fuck keep a count of how many times I’ve got or not got laid?

It’s not like anyone wants to remain a virgin by choice-if they say they do, they are all lying through their dripping noses that are aching to be in better places. So ladies and gentlemen, virgins and the wantons, hold on to your dirty underwears, for let me bring in some enlightenment: We all are waiting to lose our flower/to get the ribbon cut with a grand inauguration/to blow us from a bud to a bloom/to throw the balls rolling into the holes-however you may want to put it. I mean really, you want to say you watch all that making out in movies, see a stunner with curves or catch a peek of the peaks when she’s bending suggestively and you do not have your own little porn tales flashing in your mind? Phuleeeze, if you say so, I say you should also say you are the Queen of England and we’d believe you just as much.

We have all the logistics worked out in the brain-they just need to be mapped right on the body; though that is as tough as the fucking task itself, especially as the first timers. I mean it is not like you walk down the shopping aisle and pick up a piece that you’d want to be served in bed that night and everyone lives happily ever after; or like bungee jumping-once you come to the brink and say you are scared, they let you turn around and leave without a snigger.

We are as nervous about the first time as the girls-two hoots to machoism! I mean sometimes I feel I just might stumble at the point of the bra unhooking itself. It confounds me as voodoo sometimes: How do you girls do it by putting just two fingers behind your back and ta-da come the hooks all surrendering to lead the gaping mouth-er to the gates of heaven? Prior to my kinky dreams, in the horror-tainted ones, I picture myself with both hands trying to open the damn things so desperately and earnestly that they leave the barely-there lacey cloth and have me cupping them instead. I can also so imagine that if I do that to your Victoria Secrets then it’s no secret that I won’t get laid post that, would I? So you see we do have our own little struggles to overcome that no one cares a flying fig for.

First we don’t find the right girl yes fairer sex, please don't raise that eyebrow we too have this thingy about giving our flower to the perfect gardener who would make it grow like a baby-no puns intended. When we find her we have the dinosauric task of making her spot us without thinking we are morons or sleaze bags. I mean too less complimenting and you freak us, too much and you freak out! Aren’t we concentrating on the wrong F word here? Anyways, somehow begins the painful task please don’t ask where of being friendly without staring at her assets or being stared at our own giving uncalled-for standing ovations please remember this is THE first time a girl has managed to come so close in our physical radius-unexpected and uncontrollable disasters are just waiting to happen. Once we go past this unharmed, comes the risk of proposing-she may accept or reject! If she does, the fear of her imagining a long term commitment and walking down the aisle prevents us from getting a quick hard-on for a short while. If she does not, the fear of the news getting out and our market value sinking even below the poverty line, ensures the same drooping reaction. And then you say a girl’s life is tough!

After passing all these Herculean dilemmas, especially of deciding when it is not too soon to float the idea-even if someday she does coyly agree to go all the way-where the fuck is the space to fuck? At home there is mother, who did not choose to pursue a career because she wanted to raise her laal-gopal with all her attention. Lesson learnt: At-home mothers can be a pain in the arse cause of tension for libido driven youngsters. Even if she is not there, baba ki liye maids or watchmen or grandparents are acting as watch dogs and all activities of who all entered, giggled, gasped and when they existed are duly reported to the High Command-and by enter and exit, I do not yet imply the activities that are so taking shape in your dirty mind.

So doing at home is out of question unless you are doing it all by yourself but that does not make us non-virgins, does it? For if it does, I wonder if any boy ever actually would lose his ‘flower’ to a girl! Friends' places are also abounding with mommies or grannies and if not the “friend” is either too excited or suffering from a loose stomach of the mouth, so you don’t want to take chances. That leaves us with office canteens-naah, making women and food compete even on a super horny day, is not such a good idea; cafe houses-ya right! If we so much as even touch each others' hands there, the next table aunty makes such a misery drawn face as though the coffee boy put salt in her coffee instead of sugar. Then you tell me about parks-have you seen the parks these days? My god, the oldies rush in to hog all the strategic spots to practise the weird positions of yoga-no one cares a damn about our positions. And if by chance there is a vacant spot where you decide to take a breather, in comes a dog to poop.

And please do not give me names of hotels-first they would check out our item as though it is janta ka maal. Then they ask us for Identity cards-holy shit! What if they trace me back and blackmail me...what if there are cameras hidden in the sleazy rooms and someday when dad would be Googling for adventure sports, up flashes my video of making out in the wildest of ways!

I feel like such an outcast when my friends brag about their conquests-damn the service families, I’ll make sure I marry a working girl so that my son does not suffer like I do. Why did I have to be so unlucky to spend a quarter of my life minus actual sex? Someone and somePLACE is made for me too! I will not rest till I manage to go where no (virgin) man has gone before. So long friends, enjoy the mating, hope you all get laid to your hearts and bodies’ content and wish for me that I do not die a virgin*falling on my knees to pray for the same before breaking into sobs*

Yours sincerely, 
Someone who's wondering if Virgin is a female word and what would be its male form.


Mani Lalwani said...

itna kon ladka sochta hai ? :\

A said...

Oh My God. That is so funny...Simple answer is lack of opportunity.

Anu/ Anonymous said...

Hi ! You DO know that I am a big fan of your writing especially your puns and doube entrende and egerly await your posts. However, this one did not pass muster. Firstly, please leave the open letter to the Madrasan - it is now done to death and needs to be REALLY funny or different to be readable ! Also, this post lacked punch and seemed to be provocative for effect , a tad pretentious. I dunno why , I remembered Neha Dhupia's statement about Shahrukh Khan and sex etc. I think with this one you wanted to grab the eyeballs. Ofcourse , your free flowing style is always a pleasure to read but didnt care much for the topic or the content. Thanks and all the best.
PS. You do know what they say about an opinion and an asshole ? Everybody has one ;-)) So , please take my comments in the same light !

maithili said...

Lack of opportunity! Ah finally I read a post saying it !! Good one :)

Purba said...

I will have to agree with Anu :) There's too much word play and little substance.

And this after the epic post you last published?

Suruchi said...

Thank you:-)

Well, I DO NOT know that you are a big fan-I am juggling my mind to remember the post where you have commented that you liked it...but if you say you are-thank you so much!
I guess you are right about this post lacking punch-tried to re-read it to fill in the gaps but can’t do any better...I guess, I can’t get a homerun each time:-)
Thank you for the opinion-gives me a reality check, now and then. I hope to see you around!:-)

Suruchi said...

I thought sochte honge-waise bhi I suffer from exaggeration bouts-soch liya ki sochte honge:-)

Your post of summarizing it all up on the Discussion Board kinda inspired it- So thank you ji, although really sorry could not churn out anything for the discussion itself. Just went on a little mad trip with this one. Glad you liked it!

Suruchi said...

There were two good things about your comment-
1. I realized this post was not as great to read as I thought it would be in my head!
2. I feel good about the last post now for you calling it “epic”
Thank you-your comments always matter!:-)

Sakshi said...

Now this was plain genius.. I loved this post!
And, I wish virginity was not such an over rated virtue!!

Vinod Vyas said...

"Waiting for perfect chu..chum." That set the tone for rest of the article..Could not find another which tickled as much as that one.

Do boys/men wait for perfect girl...No,they are too preoccupied with their fears of failed manhood that they would put it to test at first instant..For men,sex is a test.

Standing ovation,space factor were funny parts.

If virgin is female word then male form should be "maidenhead"

Rahul Bhatia said...

For a subject like this, it lacks the punch and borders on yellow journalism, at least expected more, from a notable blogger like your esteemed self

Cinderella said...

I have not come across people who think at 25 being a virgin is a taboo, but I definitely know kids who like to brag about their escapades and talk about how you do feel outcast if you are not getting any. They say is like a rite of passage or smth, and I think its so stupid. I say kids cz i know not of anyone from my age group, you know the 2nd half of the twenties, late-twenties, whatever you call it.

This post does make you wonder. Are we really liberating ourselves or just building more cages to run from.

Bikramjit said...

I do think the we lose the good things to the wrong people :) he he he

25 you say .. I know a few girls who are just 19 and have done it .. bought the tee and blah blah :)

I like the hotel paragraph :) made me smile , reminded me of somthing shhhhhhhhhhh he he he he

now i am wondering too what will be the male of virgin .. think think :)

funny , had me in splits ahh bless those good old days .. you forgot something crucial .. MONEY you know to buy this and that ahmm ahmm .. where to get that and also how to go and buy one :)


Suruchi said...

Thank you and yes, I wish that too:-)

Awww...sorry to disappoint you with less or ticklers-and glad someone noticed the ch...chamatkar in there in whatever less degrees!
Haha...and thank you for the “maidenhead” suggestion-sounds cool!
And test it is alright that everyone wants to pass with flying colours:-)

Suruchi said...

I guess there is always a next time-and thank god for it!:-)

Oh, you came here after so long and this is how I greet you! I guess mostly people in their twenties have managed to cross this Everest-so you’d find less people complaining thus:-)
There is no liberation and no cages-just a bunch of confused souls, all of us juggling around together:)

Red Handed said...

We all are waiting to lose our flower/to get the ribbon cut with a grand inauguration/to blow us from a bud to a bloom/to throw the balls rolling into the holes

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa You are awesome and I respect you lady!!!!!!

and the bra unhooking tragedy...geheeeheheh I cant do it! I tell u I cant!

☆ Rià ღ said...

Ha ha ha loved the footer true, i often why is this term used so synonymously with us women!

And as always, u rock my dear! *pun intended* ;)

TheBluntBlogger said...

now i know what you meant when you tweeted!

i read comments...hmmmmm

flower is something i have heard in friends tv show...and monica used to say so...thats what got me confused when used for a man.

it happens suru, sometimes we think a lot about the topic, it sounds good in the head but then it doesnt work out alright...


i feel something is troubling you, pour your heart...which ever way you can let it out...i may be wrong, but i have a strong feeling...something is not right!

Love....shut everyone's mouth, including mine with next post!

Rachit said...

ohh my god lag gayi.. kya se kya hua.. dekha toh kabutar.. nikla toh chuha .. :P

Weakest LINK

magiceye said...

my 1st time here ;)
enjoyed your write thoroughly!

Suruchi said...

Hehe...I thought they were funny-funny no one else found them funny enough;-) Thank you!
And that bra unhooking thing-cakewalk baby...put index and middle finger behind your back taking the strap in between them and lift it a little. Then use your thumb to do the needful and’s done or rather undone:-)

Can’t believe I just gave a bra-unhooking lesson on my page! :O

Suruchi said...

Thank you baby-at the end of it all, I was wondering if the entire post is a bag of blasphemy for I used the wrong word for male virgins-is liye justify kiya;-)
Thanks for coming around to read even though I know your work schedules are maddening*hugs*:-)

@Rachit, had me in splits using that song-and post recovery I was left wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing!:-)

Suruchi said...

Hehe-woh waala where I said:
“I feel like Shahrukh Khan after RA-ONE...but wait, that is not a good thing!”
Mereko laga ekdum sixer maara with this post-I personally found it funny and it is very rarely when I like something and readers don’t. When I don’t do a good job, I know it! Here I was proved wrong for the first time:-)

I am not used to of criticism as never before have I seen it except on the post of RIP PLAYING CARDS where a teeny weeny comment got me into a writer’s lock for days and this one. There people were reading and not commenting and even here I had 78 page views and just four comments in the first ten hours. Perhaps I never used to bother about page views and stuff before. I feel more than glad with some 20-30 comments on a post and thereby a job well done-I guess, now I am becoming a bit ambitious!

So there is nothing wrong baby-hopefully would write something good enough soon:-)

Suruchi said...

@Magic eye,
Thank you-hope to see you around:)

Anu/ Anonymous said...

Hi Suruchi !

I think I'm giving you too much grief ...what with my comments about being feeling like a voyeur,the subsequent apology , the critical comment about your RIP playing cards post and now yet again. I think I should make myself scarce from your blogspot and keep my big mouth SHUT for a while !!
Also, pls read some of your posts below for my glowering comments because believe me , I am a BIG fan of yours ! XXXXX

sulagna ™ said...

Suuuu you are an absolute know taht right?? i mean who else but you will be able to make us ROFL with this very "touching" subject :) :)

Suruchi said...

Oh mannnnn-that waala “anonymous” who went all ga-ga about me and all the apologies-that were u????????? A man???????????? *putting all my flirting waale yantra and tantra inside with my cloud of disappointment*
Mereko laga tha koi secret admirer mal he gaya after all in this lifetime!:-)

You are not giving me too much grief baby, except of course by remaining was I supposed to know which waala anonymous were you and hence questioned you in the comment upar-accept my apologies:-)

Please don’t go-you’ve been one of the most useful around-you taught me how to handle criticism with your honesty-RIP waale post ke baad, I agreed I was a bit troubled...but this time it was much better(that does not mean you can keep criticizing till I become an expert in handling it-lol)

So keep that mouth open and stick around and thank god woman you used the Anu/Anonymous least now I know (whom to glare) which one you are...
Thank you and hope to see you around-I was going to disable the anonymous comment waala bracket, but just for you sweetheart, I’ll keep it going:-)

Suruchi said...

Haha...thank you yaar! I am glad you liked it:-)

Anu said...

OOOPS...I did it again ie pissed you off !!
I did think you would be disappointed that I am a woman ....see how well I know you from your blog !
However, for your imagination you could have thought of me as Anu-pam, Anu-bhav etc
Btw, have you read V.S Naipals comments about woman writers ? From a writing style (acc to him) one can distinguish between a woman or a man if you dont know who the writer is. Looks like his arguement doesnt have enough weight ;-))) Or mebbe I just write like a man, what say ?!

Suruchi said...

So now we are just "Anu"?
I hate these hide n seek games..I thought you were a man but in this post's comment u sounded like a woman-now I don't know what I think...You are deliberately making me go in circles!:(

Please don't play the mind games-like I said before, I know you for sure..maybe as an acquaintance, but yes I do! The writing styles n wit is familiar and besides, why else would someone insist on so much anonymity? Don't know but how long I would play along here...
Thanks for reading and see you around:-)

Avinash said...

That was a raapchik read. I am a purana reader of your blog, have read them all, writing in for the first time coz of above comments.

Won't say much, but for a simple request. Do not pay much heed to criticism. At least not to the point where it starts affecting the way you write.

Coming back to the blog, it was an outright funny read and the only thing that wasn't inline with your previous posts remains the comments section!

(Caution: Rant ahead)
If ever I had any disagreement with your views (action rather), that was when you posted about some hunk and his ciggy habit on FB, that's it, and that's it. Though it has nothing to do with the quality of your posts. That said, there also you had a point. And a fair one!

PS: Ignore (my) bad grammar. I am still learning. Thanks.

R-A-J said...

Aaaah ... nice :)

I read somwhr tht fr a gal, virginity is a matter of choice while fr a guy, its a matter of chance :)

n thn i saw 'the 40 year old virgin' n i so knw its the truth :)

Awesum read, Suruchi :)

Paanipuri Lover said...

This was hilarious! Like sachchi! Especially "laal-gopaal" and "baba ke liye"...!

Now, I realize, even boys have problems while growing up! :P

Makes a futloo-fatak read! :D

Thousif Raza said...

that was hilarious as anything suruchi... and i totally agree with u on the place thing my god...

I have spent less time trying to cram physics and chemistry into my head than for searching a place to...'do it'... i can give that poor chap some pointers in that direction i tell u that :P

and yes the first time is scary as fuck... my god... ur sweating same time thinking will she be put off... my god... its unbearable :P... buts still fun :P...

anyways... i hope the virgin does find his holy grail... and all u girls out there it is tough being a guy... not for a super douchy guy... co anyway they are douchy... but for a normal guy... it is tough to lose his flower as much as he wants it too :P...

Cool one ya... Lovd it :)

take care and keep writing :)

Sovina said...

kay band bajai hai yaar tune ladkon ki ;)) Koi itna sochta ho ya nai, but they will surely think after reading this post..and u know na too much thinking is not good many things..;))
amazing post..!

Arpit Rastogi said...

This is like so fucking awesome post!!!

Loved it like anything... :)

I am here after so long but the post gave me the whole month laugh!!! :D

Pucho mat but i felt sooo connected! :P

Super Awesome!!!

Happy Blogging! :)

Mohit said...

Just to comment on the last bit; read in one of the novels of Khushwant Singh (yeah,thanks. I have varied reading habits u c); in Latin VIR - Man & GIN - Trap ... I mean just a thought... :-) atleast sheds some clarity on sex of the word itself to say so ...
Interesting points but not sure if that could be so easily generalised ... :-)

PeeVee™ said...

I liked it-_- And it's as good as any of your other pieces.
That said, I also ask, kaun ladka itna sochta hai:P

And poor Mummy of his :P She gave up her career for only being called kabaab main haddi?:P

SUB said...

LMAO.... hilarious Suruchi....
from what u say... all men want is an opportunity :)

P.S. Unlike English, German has a specific word for a male virgin "Jüngling". English male ego i say...

Ashutosh said...

good one :)

Miles Of Style said...

i can only sum up my views on virginity as a big issue over a little tissue :P

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

Wow! :D Never thought of this side of the story!

Bikramjit said...


Suruchi said...

I am so glad to hear that you are a puraana reader-and like they say, ‘old is gold’:-) and chalo something good came out of the criticism that you were induced to comment! I used to get effected by criticism a lot initially-on the blog as well as in real life coz I always worked on the principle that I am not hurting anyone so why should anyone do it with me...but now, like they say, I have become smarter and a wee bit wiser:-)

And that ciggy thing is a personal choice again-I don’t like men who smoke or chew tobacco as in I don’t tell them to stay away from my radius coz many of our best friends smoke....just that the flirt interest dies for the thought of if future mein kissing ke naubat aaye then would not be so nice, na?:-)

And there is nothing called bad grammar when the sentiments are so right:-)
Thank you and please comment more often-makes my day!

Suruchi said...

Aaaah thank you!
I don’t know why your comments leave me wondering...why, why, why?:-)

@Paanipuri Lover,
That fultoo fatak sounded so rapchik:-)
Thank you!

Suruchi said...

Arre waah...abhi now that you have pointers thou must share them on your blog and enlighten the poor lost souls who have to go through the painful process of searching all over again!:-)

And thank you for sharing the male least someone agrees ke ladke bhi itna he sochte hain:-) Every guy/girl is sceptical the first time-it is impossible not to is a milestone crossed by any standards!

Suruchi said...

Haha...abhi band kahan bajaaye....abhi to sirf trumpet se inauguration kiya hain:-)
And yes too much thinking is not so good-reminds me of the song...No touching, no touching-only seeing only thinking, no thinking too:-)

Suruchi said...

Yes, here after sooooooo long-You and Thousif are Eid ka chaand-kabhi kabhi you come but then you always make me smile:-)

And nahi pooochte ji how connected you felt-I can soooo feel it. Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

The points cannot be generalized but then not very particularized either:-)
And that breaking of the VIR and the GIN were interesting! So man trap it is! Thank you for reading :-)

Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

Yaar jo ladke thode less cassanova types hote hain woh sochte hain!
And that is a good thing-shows that stuff matters to them although itnaaaa shaayad nahi sochte but then meine waise bhi exaggeration pe copyright liya hua hain:-)
And yes, poor mummy!:-)

Suruchi said...

Thank you and no they want many other things besides opportunity but then I would leave something for them to say too, na?:-)
And Jungling sounds very close to junglee but then I like the word:-)

@Miles of style,
Yup, that little thingy causing such big nusiance!:-)

Neither did I...just imagined some and cooked some others:-)

Suruchi said...

Haaaaw, how did I miss commenting back on your comment??????
Shame on me!
And woh hotel paragraph pe smile...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Kholo kholo ji thode re raaz yahan bhi:-)

I can imagine you now going to the store to buy condoms and getting all pink and red in the face:-)

Bikramjit said...

no I made her do it HA HA HA HA ha :)

nahin ji itne bhi bure haal nahin the.. that time to I was young and brash he he he he
eshhhhhhhhhhhhh I shud stop before i say a lot :)

and seeeeeeeeeeeee seeeeeeee you did not even see my comment I knew it , haye ri meri kismat I knew it :(


Avinash said...

Like they say, "Expecting the world to be fair to you because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge at you because you are a vegetarian". The line says it all, and having learnt it the hard way, I can easily relate :P. Real constructive criticism is a rarity nowadays.

Now that cigarette thing: I incidentally share your opinion of the smoker and chewer community. All I wanted to say then was that you busted the poor chap's little secret, however poorly kept it was. That too on a public forum. Poor poor guy!

aakash said...

lol, no comments :P


Purvi said...

Kudos to you talking about this and loved the "boy losing his flower statement :) :)

I am a bad reader, when i see long lines and paragraphs I skim through it and just take away the summary with me but I sort of tried to read all of it :) :)

Anonymous said...

after reading this fucking brilliant blog..i dont feel lyk taking abt sexxxx..virginity or 'bud' or 'flower'..
just'radhey radhey'..

sobhit said...

yeh apne likha ya actually sm frustated desperate dude's post u found on net?? writing style toh apka hi lag ra hai..
btw am 25 quarter f a centuary n still a VIRGIN :P.. i dunno lack f opportunyi hai ya wot.. but 2b honest it never plays on my mind, thik hai yar, jab mauka ayega, who knws how will i or a typical virgin behave.. gv in d temptaion or freak out.. u nvr knw :P..

ppl do show shock wen dey get 2knw dat, tho am only asking y do u wan2 knw in d 1st place? smtym back a dude in my ofyc asked me, n i was like i am a vrigin n wondering y r u interested in knwing.. n d guy seemed as if he saw a ghost n exclaimed how is dat ... n den he had d most ... i dnt knw wot word 2 use here,, cos he said it out f concern it seemd :P n i was like get lost ass hole.. he suggested y dont i go 4 paid sex :P.. matlab kuch bhi yar..

virgin or not, its a personal thing i guess n ppl who r interestd in knwing who is one or not r weirdest f dudes i feel.. apna samhalo yar (no puns intended :P).. dusre ki kya chinta hai

Mayank said...

Good read.. sex and virginity is really overrated in hindsight. :-) pun intended.

Shraddha said...

Lol, trolled the virginity. They think being Virgin is a sin. They ask don't you feel like. I gaze at them thinkin what should be my apt repy. Anyways loved your long thoughts.. 8)

jo said...

Hehe! Poor boys! Kinda reminds me of American Pie.
Its always a pleasure to read you pour out your wit word after word. And the best part is I always end up smiling. :)
I also kinda agree with The Blunt Blogger. For sometime it seems as if something is troubling you. Take it out.
We all go through phases of greatness and of attempted greatness..I think its perfectly normal. Just keep goin..U write awesome. :)
:O Did u give a bra unhooking lesson on ur page ? :P

jo said...

And I also realize that I might have stumbled upon a very old post linked in ur tweets and made some uncalled for remarks :P

Hitesh N said...

Nice Article Suruchi maam.I read this article bcoz one of my frnd posted this link on fb..n it was worth reading it...time to find whether Virgin is only a female word or male word also :P :)

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