Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

14 November, 2011

If I were God...

~First of all, saying words like “Hey Bhagwan! Oh God! Sweet Mother of Lord!” without really meaning to remember me would be considered blasphemous. And phrases like “Bhagwan ki liye mujhe chodh do/ Bhagwan se daro/ Bhagwan, khush to tum bahut hoge aaj” should be rephrased...really, I am tired of hearing them through ages, aren’t you guys tired of mouthing them? And those who still don’t learn and say “Bhagwan sab dekh raha hain...” dude, I have better things to do than see your all, all the bloody time.

~I would introduce three new levels of kissing my temple’s threshold, for those who must-the feet kissing for the old-fashioned, the flying kiss for the hoity-toity and the French kiss for the very desirable by my standards, as means to show their devotion towards me.

~All newly born would enter the world tiny as they do but within half an hour of delivery they would become two and half years old and ready to go to school.

~I would remove the stupid virginity ensuring tissue from the female body so that no one judges or dreads.

~There would be a rationing system for getting sex, so that it is ensured just one person is not getting too much of it beware Salman Khan, leaving the others with too less in defence of my fairness, we must think of Bobby Darling too. The reservation or quota system here would also automatically solve the problem of scandals of the likes of Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen and also sex crimes.

~I would mix laughing gas in the air in small doses everywhere-I hate sulky faces and most of all my own.

~Millions of unemployed youth would be recruited in my team of angels that would globe trot to rid all menace gnawing human existence-employment ki employment and deployment ka deployment say hello to the greatest God ever-I should rule for a golden jubilee at least! And besides even God needs some time off from humans to pursue her extra-curricular activities!

~It would be criminal to say "Oh my God! Oh my God!" while you are having sex-humans, stop confusing me with calls for help, where you do not want a threesome. 

~There would be world-wide poll systems, to pass rules in favour or against a motion and emotion. So all that you’d have to do for it, is start a page on Facebook and get as many likes as is humanly possible. For example-Do you want Rakhi Saawant gagged forever? Do you want Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi married? Should actors be in solitary confinement for movies like Bodyguard and Ra-One, where they only see the re-runs of what they vomited produced? Now, you get the drift-it is the rule of the people, for the people and by the people.

~I would create trees that satiate all hunger, rivers that quench all thirst and relationships that curb all urge.

~It would be illegal to come to my temple on a thunderous, stormy night and make the entire bells ring on their own and then bitch about how life’s been a bitch to you...Really, if your wife/husband would not lend their ear to hear all that, what makes you think I would?

~But there would be definitely be dial-a-god service so that you don’t have to randomly look up in the air and say things that you sit back and wonder if anyone heard. Of course the epic ‘Aap kataar mein hain-kripya line pe bane rahen...’ may have to be introduced eventually herein for morons who get free-dialling and sms packages.

~I would make you pay for your goodness or sins in this very birth-I do not understand how my predecessors on this thrown could come up with such a sucky concept of ‘paying in this birth for the sins committed in the previous life cycle’ syndrome. It is hardly rectifying because they also built in memory loss in the system along side, so that people would not suffer without knowing why and raise blaming fingers at yours truly.

~And for the above, there would also be a reward and punishment system based on an automatically updated Identification Card-so for every sin that you commit, a favourite activity gets ticked off the list. Say if you cheated someone at work, the system erases one week of mind-blowing sex from your life span-the intensity of all actions would be varying depending upon the frequency.

~I would redesign the human body to include more organs for pleasure-just a couple of them here and there can be boring. I would also redefine the functions of the heart-Excuse me Mr Heart, just shut the fuck up and only pump blood, what you were meant to do!

~I would revamp also the outfits of those living with magic wands on this side of the heaven-I mean gawdy gold chunks covering the better part of female goddesses and also male ones, for crying out loud making them so sissy is just not done-diamonds would be not just women’s but also goddesses’ best friends. Besides how on earth can you expect rapid action from me if I would have to struggle in my sari and 100kgs gold weight in addition to my own, to reach to you in your do-or-die situation. So expect something shorter and sexier sponsorships invited from label houses for fringe benefits.
~Pleasure would be made as the compulsory outcome for both involved in every sexual encounter.

~I would finish off with the institution of marriage-it is outdated and based on the assumption that there is a janam-janam ka saath, when it actually happens only in movies that man created.

~There would be an Automatic Realization System in-built in human bodies that would help an individual identify his hidden talents and vocation. It would save many years of burning the midnight oil in pursuing a goddamn career in something that you suck I don’t mean the whores here btw
~All couples would be given the prerogative to decide who between the two should bear the child-this because of some insensitive pricks who feel women do no earth-shattering task by producing kids and some very sensitive angels who want to share their wife’s pains.

~I would provide beauty in every eye of the beholder.

~I would relocate heaven and hell on earth and make God, that is moi visible and it would be mandatory for devotees to read her blogs and comment with profuse praise to express their shraddha, so as to be directed for a free one week plush stay in heaven or be burnt in hell till they do not do so.

So I’ll let you start with the last part first and also pray that the current Gods do not feel too insecure and at least appoint me on trial basis for a while for a better world-for you and for me and the entire human race.



TheBluntBlogger said...

I am all for equal opportunity sex and no weddings... :-D:-D:-D:-D:-D

welcome back <3<3<3

and yeah we could live without that extra layer of vaginal skin...whatever they call it.

Droopy Rose said...

Haha...Great ideas..especially finding your talent is the best and damn hilarious! Just to add on- You can also make people become your follower to gain punya :P

Pooja_G said...

Bwahhhaahaaa.....GOD!! I mean are something else:P :P
reading ur blog for last few months and madly loving it...sharing this on my FB profile :D

A said...


You are an awesome humorist. I am feeling better now. :))) Thanks.

Ms. GOD, what is your opinion about in-laws?

Pria said...

haha :D funny post.. LOL.. i liked the dial-god service..

Dr Roshan R said...

Where do I sign up ? Does God need a sidekick ...oooh oooh.. pick me pick me !!

Rahul Bhatia said...

Good do see you back in your elements!A delightful humorous read!!

Suruchi said...

Good...together we can and we will make a difference-at least to each other’s lives if not the world;-)
And that much ado about tissue is really such a waste of human time!

Thank you and that service should do wonders!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Droopy Rose,
Waah waah...yeh punya hain and yeh paap hain waale line-how did I miss it?
Alrity people
“follow” me and earn 5 punya points
“comment” here and earn 10 reward points
“Praise” me and earn 15 punya points
“swoon” genuinely and be a cute dish on top of it and get 20 punya points...

Earn 1000 to redeem it for one night with your favourite celebrity!;-)
What an idea, madam ji!

Suruchi said...

This post came about prematurely coz you are a sweetheart to ask me when my next post is coming-speeding up the process.
I am so glad you feel better:-)
And in-laws, well anyone should have a set of them around and well, I should not be just anyone, you know!;-)

Thank you so much:-)

Suruchi said...

Please sign up...whether or not I become a god...I always need someone on the side to give me the kicks and you soooooooooo fit the bill:-)
Oh where, oh where do I pick you up from?

Thank you so much...and from a few months you say? Wow, I am so glad to hear this...hope to see you around here more often. What can I say-I am a sucker for comments!:-)

Sameera said...

Suruchi Dear, now when you will be God, your readers will think twice before saying 'Oh my GOD!' while making out. Besides, did you just say I ll be able to decide who should bear the child.

This sounds so much fun. My vote goes to you :P

pygmalion said...

wah suruchi wah!
most interesting, brilliant, sensible, fabulous, thought provoking, tickling blog i have ever read in my bloglife time!!!!!!
Reserve my stay in heaven for a week.. dont forget:)

enjoyed dear..laughed lots..what imagination.. just loved it.. the virginity and omg during sex and equality of pleasure doctrine and everything infact..

Paanipuri Lover said...

Awesome! Like totally! :D :D
Even I wish that you were God! :D

Sairam said...

The way you write, I am happy you are a blogger and not God :-)

Clanging bells on thunderous night was my favorite part.

Red Handed said...

Hhahahahahahaahhhhah....I hope they cast u in the third sequel of bruce almighty as SURUCHI ALMIGHTY...Hhahahahahaahhaah!!!!

Purba said...

So who's creating Jai Maa Suruchi fan page. I am ready to like it with all my ten fingers...

Anita Jeyan Sandeep said...

Am a Christian so let me throw some light on one of the ten commandments which goes "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." So obeying that would address a quarter of the hey bhagwaaan issues. :D

I completely agree on the part of sharing the childbirth process. One kid can be borne by the man and another by the woman that is if they want 2 kids. Pain is shared and both KNOW how painful it actually is !

maithili said...

HAHAHA!! coool GOD!! I m all for compulsory pleasure and child bearing option!!

Thunderous night and ringin bells- HIlarious :!!!!!

So you are back after so many days and Whaattttee comeback!

P.S: I was super upset last night and then I happened to read ur blog and started laughing :D :D ..was about to comment when Dad came and told me to sleeeeeep :P :P

kalpak n. said... case ur actually running in the elections for god vote is guaranteed :)

really nice read. i actually read u for the first time, and i must say, really impressed :)

Please implement the rationing system for sex soon haan.

and i was surprised how come u, bein a woman, didnt mention removing periods altogether from the female system.

brilliant post suruchi :)

burning the midnight oil for something in which u suck :D good one :)

☆ Rià ღ said...

It wud be amazing to have u as god. :) Too good as always. U r spot on in most of them like child birth and equal opportunity sex.

Bikramjit said...

This is So funny I am in middle of writing one of these :)

AMEN to that and MAY you be GOD very soon and hey I need that Lotto jackpot win ..

And three levels of kissing oooh hmmm acha theek hai :)

and how do you know salman khan is getting too much.. Jo dikhta hai woh hota nahin hai ji...

It takes a lot to make a physique like that he he he eh eh e

I like the laughting gas yesss we need the smilesss

and NOOOOOOOOOOoo not the punishment , karne do na jo koi kuch karta hai .. sabki apni apni marji hai :) let them be .. jsut make sure the ones they are cheating on Get something better :)

and I am already commenting and following your blog Religiously and write such big silly comments .. So I should be already in the good books and be rewarded now GOD JI..

Your blog is beautiful enchanting .. That two words so TWO WEEKS then ..


Suruchi said...

Yes please, I do not like watching people have all the fun alone, anyways;-)
Thank you for the vote-now if only there were a darn election somewhere:-)

Itneeeeeeeeee saare adjectives got me a bit misled into a big grin at first and then I saw the one week stay in heaven waala greed as a motivation...tch, tch-arre pretend to karo that all praise is genuine, warna artificial heaven he milega:-)
Thank you so much for being here again!

Suruchi said...

@Paanipuri Lover,
Sirf wish se kaam nahi chalega-you’ll have to stand on one leg and pray and not think about sex or guys for one week to make me reach there-after that, your wish would be my command;-)

SURUCHI ALMIGHTY would be better than Bruce Almighty-at least I promise to act more than omg-what’s-that-mask-waala-guy’s-name..
Boo hoo....I forgot his name-first thing to be done when made god-improve my memory:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sairam, is so funny na that when I get angry with god ek leaf bhi nahi hilte and when these heroes go a little grumpy, all the bells go swinging from left to right. I wonder about the plight of those living around the temples-constantly in the eye of storms:-)
Thank you and if you insist, I’ll stay a human for now:-)

Thank you so much:-)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

Awwww God! I love you! :D :D Whhhaaaattte post!!! Temple mein Bells bajana stormy nights mein, tch tch...Poor God! :D

PS: I shall leave comments and follow your blog so that I can get the free luscious vacation package. *Wink*

Suruchi said...

Kya yaar aapne Jai Maa Suruchi fan page bol kar saara sex appeal he nikal diya from the word Blog Goddess;-)
Although I looooooooove your liking it with ten fingers...isse shayad kehte hain ji dasso ungliyan ghee mein;-)

And I guess then we’ll just have to popularize the ten commandments more for hey bhagwan issues seem to be endless! Hehe and nice to see mommies agree on the sharing pain bit-would definitely help in making the husbands less of a pain, we know where;-)

Suruchi said...

I am always running for half the things in the world yaar-trouble is that it is neither making me lose weight nor making the world contest elections for all that I am running for!:/
And you read me now for the first time?????? I am so hurt, I left you so many mush comments on your page and you did not even turn to look at me-oh god, where is my Dettol antiseptic? This hurts!:-)

And what would you do with rationing system for sex-aapke account se to bahut saara delet ho jaayega...witty men anyways get loads of it, even the ones in women admirers minds are counted;-)

Ab periods ko kyon remove karna-those are the arsenals for emotional blackmail and for getting away with anything by saying I was PMS-ing!:-)
Thank you and would loooooooove to see more of you here!

sulagna ™ said...

Su my babe...matlab where on earth do you get these ideas from ?? seriously i could do with some more "appealing body zones for pure pleasure"
i could also do with some laughing gas during a visit to "relatives" homes
and yes could we also have a "immidiate arrival system " for friends whom we would lovveee to meet

and oyeee..pls let babies grow till they r 2 wont b comin back ever ya

Suruchi said...

Aap bhi god banene ke tayyari kar rahe the-haaaaaaaaaaw phir to I have lost the elections even before I contest for agar mein strip karke free French kisses bhi baaton to aapko beat nahi kar paonge:-)

Abhi tak woh lottery nahi win hua? Koi na-it is all coming to you and then an all-expenses paid trip to London is all coming to me;-) And you are right, wahan Salman Khan ka nahi aapka name likhna chahiye tha:-)

And yours are never big silly comments...yours are the cutest ones-abhi aap aise comment nahi karoge to mein yahan flirt kiss se karonge?:/ Two weeks done-but of what, now I am wondering;-)

Suruchi said...

Thanks Maiths...I so wanna blog but kuch ache ideas he nahi aate yaar. And I would now rather wait than update! Waah waah, yeh to poetry ho gaye:-)
I am so glad you laughed and upset na hua kar-yeh love-shove mein hota rehta hain. Play cool to appear more hot:-)

Poor god na? Kisse ko koi parwah he nahi hain!
Boring him to death with the same melodrama n then complaining ki why is our life so dry! Hehe and ji aapka luscious and sexy vacation ensure ho gaya hain, lemme first get my throne and not be thrown out of this planet:-)

Suruchi said...

Pata nahi where on earth I get my ideas-I guess on my throne in the washroom! It is easier to give crap to the world when you download some of your own:-)

And relatives should be redefined as “letuslive” sounds better, na?

And alright I would let the babies be as they are but provide them with inbuilt systems of understanding and obeying parents and not to throw cranky tantrums that make moms lose their pretty hair:-)

Keirthana said...

You have all my votes to be God :)

Loved every bit of it.

//It would be illegal to come to my temple on a thunderous, stormy night and make the entire bells ring on their own and then bitch about how life’s been a bitch to you...Really, if your wife/husband would not lend their ear to hear all that, what makes you think I would?//

//Excuse me Mr Heart, just shut the fuck up and only pump blood, what you were meant to do!//

Awesome points :)

:D :D I loved the humor quotient of this post.

Pooja_G said...

Here is an award for the newbie God :D

Vinod Vyas said...

{Let me share with you an intelligence i received from one of my confidante who is well placed to receive such.Accordingly GODS of all religions have called for an urgent meeting to deal with a serious threat to their authority from a dynamic lady from Earth who is fast gaining acceptance as Cool GOD.All GODS have decided to forget their differences and deal with this big issue.They in unison have accepted that ideas/proposals of Suruchi are very appealing and as such will find huge support among all ppl.}

Suruchi,You are one of the best writers i have read.Many many thanks for writing so beautifully.My fav line in this post was "I would provide beauty in every eye of the beholder".

Thousif Raza said...

ok that made me smile and laugh too :D.. now wouldn't u b a cool god? :P.. hmm the concept sounds delicious to say the least... but if everywhere there is happiness dont u think there would be chaos too?..

Aagaya kamina practical bhashaan dete huwe u might say...:P but i believe that only when u go through pain can u really know the true meaning of happiness!... i know too much pain is not good.. same applies for much happiness too... ;) sorry for being serious :P

and i love the idea of laughing gas... could help a lot of them... dont agree with automatic realization system (suruchi screms "chappal say maroongi haan") believe me suruchi... there is no person more than me who wants to know what i am good at... sure i know a couple of things but i still get doubts whether i am really good at this? or is there something else!... but i think the finding out part is worth it... sure is risky... but that's where lies the fun...

and i agree on the sex part and the marriage part... it should be equally distributed and should not be hyped so much... respectively..

I think it was a lovely write up... i loved reading it and laughed a lot... sorry if i proved to be a damp squib for a while... gotta say what i gotta say... free will u see :P

plz keep writing... i love what u write :D... give my love to seeya... :)

Take care and keep writing.......

Shreya said...

You will create a world of only pleasure and happiness :)

The world would not need a reason to work at all :D Wow what a life :P
Kudos :)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

:D You will not be thrown for sure, Hum yahaan kisliye hain? Mystical Skeptical aise hi thode na hain? :D :D

PS: Humein God ki badi Parwah hai ;) :D :D [Yayyy for the vacation! :D :D]

Rachit said...

that was cool :P ... please make me your assistant then with few of your majestic power... I will take care of the fairer sex.. your burden would be reduced.. :D

Weakest LINK

Anuranjani said...

Bwahahahhahaha!!! And, I am still laughing and I think this is gonna continue for a while! :D :D :D
I love you for the post! :*
I was feeling so low today and then I read this. Had me laughing and my room-mates' are all :O :O :O
:D :D

Ameena said...

The newborn thing? Brilliant. I am totally on board with having more kids if they are potty trained within minutes. :)

Shady said...

Finally you stooped trying to write a funny post and Lo and behold you did write a funny post .

Good Read .

Alka Gurha said...

Suruchi devi ki jai ho! HE is not listening to me these days...I am in katar for months...kuch karo pl.
Like the idea of smiling faces, all around...all in perfect state of bliss.

After reading this post God must be laughing too.

Readitt said...

good list of things mentioned about, what people want from god in a humorous manner.. liked the post and joined your site, tooo (the e magazine)

Suruchi said...

Thank you so much for the, being God actually pays:-)

Haha, I so liked the ‘cool god’ thingy:-)
Your imagination ran a riot just like mine:-)
Thank you so much for the praise of “one of the best writers”-makes my day.
And yes, that beauty in every eye of the beholder part was a serious one liner amongst the crowd of funny ones-I am glad you noticed it:-)

Suruchi said...

Sab mereko cool god keh rahe hain when all I wanted to be was hot;-)
And koi baat nahi kuch kamine bhi aane chahiye once in a while for practical bhaashan-breaks the trend of all that happens otherwise:-)

All happy would really be boring but then this post was in a humorous mode-thank god I did not propose to remove poverty, terrorism and the likes...all those things would be handled by my assistants:-)

And chappal se kyon maaronge yaar aapko, abhi tak to theek se aankh bhi nahi maare:-) You are never a damp squib-any kind of thoughts, even contrary ones, when they come from people whom you love, are like bright sunshine. So thank you and loads of love back from me and Seeya:-)

Suruchi said...

There won’t be all happiness-there would be loads of mischief too;-)
Thank you!

Haha, you are so cute to return to see my comment...muaaaaaaaah and God aapse itne khush hue ke she has decided to keep you with her in heaven forever:-)

Suruchi said...

Yeh dekho, gaon bassa nahi aur lootere pehle aa gaye:-)
Fairer sex ka burden uthana hain then you’ll also have to manage the unfair sex whatever that means or you take it to mean:-)

Laughna to acha hain...I am glad that this could be of help in your down moment...nevermind the roomate, just be happy.
Thank you:-)

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

EEEEEEEEE........Yayy Yayy Yayy!! :D :D *Dances Around* Okay. :D :D

Suruchi said...

Thank you so much and the points you quoted were some of my favourites too:-)

Potty trained is the last of the hassles....mine just cried for full fifteen minutes coz she wanted to wear another pair of socks than what I had given and she is not even two years yet! Talk about stubborn and whimsical children!:-)

Suruchi said...

Offooo....thank you ji, but I was reallyyyyy trying to be funny!:-)

Bhakt jan bade cute hain...thank you:-)
I don’t know about god laughing but I hope he is not in wrath and I would have to bear the aftermath:/

Suruchi said...

Thank you for following...hope to see you around:-)

You are the cutest:-)

Ankur Narula said...

"There would be a rationing system for getting sex"...... what the not agree with this cos me and salman have the same problem..... ;) secondly judging by my business i can abolish the use of saree and can replace it by products i am good @ producing.....they wont weigh more than 100gms.....and trust me u wont have to wear gold with that......moreover i hereby tender my invite as a label house for this job..... pls GOD jee sun lo ;)

Paanipuri Lover said...

Bas, zindagi jhand bana do! As it is, I don't get to see good looking guys on a daily routine, ab sochu bhi nahi??! :P

Anuranjani said...

:D :D
haan na! achha toh hai!! :D
thank YOU! :)

Jack said...



Read all pending posts. Impressed with such frank answers in Interview. I am sure your mother must have had a good laugh on reading your praise and be proud of you. The End was so touching that it brought moisture in my eyes. Your narration kept me glued till end. Thanks for updating knowledge in that young boy's confessions. It was close to a lot of realities. This one made me laugh so much that I lost track of time. Some of deeds listed are in keeping with present times.

Take care

moonlite:D said...

namaste god :D (just a casual hi, no requests at the moment ;) )

Tanvi said...

I would definitely want you to be GOD!

...'coz then I would have a special connection with God ;)

♡ from ©

Sakshi said...

Oh MY God!!
Like, I vote for you to be the God!! And Shayon would vote for you too, you know for abolishing of the the Marriage thingy!! ;P

The Story Teller said...

I sure as hell laughed a lot :D
I have to say, you'd make one helluva God. They should have elections up in Heaven, you're so winning it :D
Indi led me here :)

Can I ask a request? Could you read a post of mine, and if you like it, vote for it? I'd be really grateful, really really grateful :)

aakash said...

Hehe... So all this while, I was thinking I'll mention this and that from the post in my comment but then eventually I realized, it's hard to pick up a part to appreciate since everything about the post is majestic.

God needs to take notice here. Someone just cut the crap and made it simple.


Relax Please said...

The only objection to your post is that you are a Goddess in the garb of a God...
So By-Gawd... you would make a good Goddess....
God is biased coz He is a man... the proof lies here...

Suruchi said...

@Paanipuri Lover,
Haaaaw-socho, socho...abhi jhand nahi hue, abhi with me in charge it is time for ghamad baby:-)

You are welcome:-)

Suruchi said...

Thank you so much for going through all of them. I am glad you liked them:-)

Namaste ji-God khush hue...aaj kal causal sex is more common than casual hi:-)

Suruchi said...

You anyways have a special connection with God-god loves pretty people with prettier hearts:-)

Haha-okay we would conspire then to make Shayon oblige to whatever you say-baby, I hold the reins and it is time to butter me up;)

Suruchi said...

@The Story Teller,
Thank you so much:-)

Majestic, eh? Kya baat hain ji! Thank you:-)
And hehe...I never realized I cut the crap;-)

@Relax Please,
Some of my friends call me ‘blog Goddess’ so I kinda like what you said...and thank you for reading and appreciating:-)

sobhit said...

french kiss 4me den ;P.. n idhar bhi virginity tissue pe agaye.. yeh virgin virgin bahoot kar re ho aaj kal aap?? kya chakkar hai ?? khayal toh neak hai apke but sab good good beautiful hoga toh eventually it wud lose its meaning.. no good is good if u dont have bad.. ek realtvty scale toh chahiye na.. n shaadi toh bekar hai.. apne liye na karke mostly ppl do 4d society n keep sulking :x.. kya bakwas hai.. evry1 arnd des days is geting married, am so tired now f goin 2d function n givin warm wishes n gifts n shagan.. faltu ka kharcha ho ra hai bas.. next time am jst goin wid warm wishes n nothing else..

vibhor said...

dii u rock !!! :)
plss b d GOD ... :) :D

Renee said...

Okay, I'm starting to wish you really were God. Dammit, why aren't you! :(

Really well-written, as always. :)

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