30 October, 2009
How to keep the husband hooked n booked?
-THE ESSENTIAL COMMANDMENTS...
Little everyday efforts which every woman should practise...and please it doesn’t make us drubbed or less feminist:
1. Wake him up each day with a gentle pat on the cheek and a hush mush voice, coming close and resting your cheek on his...make sure this does not become a startling act instead...just a tender ‘wake up to me honey’ kinda thing.
2. Follow it up with a kiss on the cheek and a hug...just as his eyes have opened up...it is always soothing to feel you are waking up to a dream come true and also always hug, snuggle and kiss good night...sleeping into a dream!
3. Make sure he gets his meals as soon as he comes on the dining table or on time...the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...but then only when it is empty and not stretched!
4. Keep his cupboards neat and things easily accessible. Don’t tamper with his things without asking...
5. Cook food or contrive anything reasonably edible even if he wakes you up at 4 am (yes, in the morning) for it.
6. It makes you no less modern if you press his feet once in a while after a tiring day or give him a hot oil head massage...and watch how eagerly the favours are returned...you’d be surprised to find that men love it if their shoes and socks are removed lovingly by you once in a while.
7. Drop all chores and greet him with a smile and a hug when he returns back from work...and follow it up with a glass of water...that’s the least by the way...I am leaving room for innovation n improvisation here.
8. Stand by him if he’s been slighted or ignored, especially by family members or relatives from your side.
9. Always ask your man’s choice before picking up clothes for yourself and try to follow mostly what he suggests. Makes him feel that you value his opinion! If his own choice sucks...give him option between the two things that you most like in the shop and any one of them, if picked, would do just as well!
10. When he is talking to you...lend him your ears (and the rest of the body too) completely and show no distractions...Nothing interests a man than a woman who’s interested in him...ok, correction...a “hot” woman who’s interested in him!
11. Once in a while, cancel outing programmes when he’s not in the mood or tag along even if disinterested, when he’s all for a party....kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padta hain...kabhi kabhi hansne ke liye thoda rona padta hain!
12. Keep his hot water bucket ready and covered with a sill before he gets into the loo for a shower...refurnish his toothbrush, toothpaste, his shaving blades, etc before he’d have to ask you for it. Heck, I even used to keep his entire clothes from the UG’s to the sparkling shoes ready and laid out on the bed before he got out of the bathroom.
13. If he goes to work unwell, call up a couple of times to ensure he’s ok or send in a medicine...stay up with him if he can’t sleep...a cuddle here works wonders.
14. Be the one to initiate a kiss and make up...saying sorry never hurts anyone....we can’t compete with men’s ego anyways!
15. Take the enterprise to dress with just as much bother when going out alone with him...as you do when going out with couple friends.
16. Laugh at his jokes and with him...go up to him if he’s standing alone at a party or getting bored, even of it means leaving your own gang...
17. Avoid blame games and angry outbursts and the phrase “I told you so...” Keep the explaining for later when you both are quieter.
18. Give him space...for boys night out, for watching television late night or being on the internet once in a while, for wanting to be alone, for choosing the clothes he wants to wear, etc.
19. Make him feel it is ok with you if he communicates with female friends...in fact share his interests in the opposite sex by being casual about it, encouraging him to feel free to share things with you.
20. Remember the tasks he asked you to carry out before leaving for work or make a note of them...get his medicine, sew the button, keep the evening shirt ironed, call up the sick relative, get the fused tube light changed, or the spider webs from the bathroom window removed, etc. Get it done without reminders!
These are sure shot winners, come on gals add that zing and dash of romance:
1. Remember dates and days that matter to him...and make them special and memorable...like the day he grabbed a big contract or deal, calls for a pastry n candle waiting on his return that says “You are a genius”
2. His birthdays should be flooded with special gestures- give him as many knick knacks as gifts as the age he is stepping into...a surprise party...candle lit your room...make him a king for the day!
3. Hold hands sometimes in public like while watching a movie in a theatre or playing footsy from under the table.
4. Form your own codes to be able to send across a message even in a crowd...like touching the nose means wanna hug you, pulling ears stands for a much needed kiss....and so on!
5. Occasionally put little notes in his travelling bag, in office pouch or in his cupboard to remind him of you always.
6. Have your own song that reminds you of each other whenever it’s played anywhere...create a love poem for him with mad personal touches of course and yup keep the language simple...you are not writing for Shakespeare, gals!
7. Put photographs of your holidays or just the two of you together in the room...on the walls or in frames on shelves around...nope, you are not giving him an overdose of you...you remind him every now and then that his life with you is beautiful.
8. Text personal mobile love messages just like that and send them each day, till it becomes a ‘looking forward to’ habit...make the message sexy to double the impact...men go dumb n numb under the influence of seductive provocation, even if it’s just in words!
9. A nice body massage if done properly can ignite many a flame...introduce more physical variety to spice up lives...and throw the head-ache woes out of the window...Take a spa treatment together or gift him one...showers together always do more than just double cleaning!
10. Buy new lingerie every now and then...there’s nothing as exciting for him to hear you say mischievously... ‘you get into bed and I’ll be back in a minute’ ...and then come back n how;)
11. Tuck him in bed and under the sheets every night...make him cosy howsoever he may desire it....and by how so ever...I hope so ever that you get my point
12. Say ‘I love you’ everyday and in every possible way...like in the fog clad night, written with your fingers on the glass of the car...or after a hot bath on the steam masked mirror...on the sand or with bamboo sticks laid out on the beach...with diyas saying it adorning the floor when he walks in for a surprise.
13. Go for walks or long drives just like that...create a CD of all his favourite songs and put that on or update his I-pod...have morning tea or after dinner walk together...form rituals and be around at the times when he is mostly alone...fill up his voids.
14. Plan a boys night out for him that’s a surprise...do all the bookings and maybe once in a blue moon make it an all expenses paid outing...you would have a rent in your pocket but never in your heart
15. Keep buying gifts of no reason or occasion for him every now and then....like a shirt when you go shopping for yourself, or a take away burger when you went for your gals only brunch!
16. It makes a man so proud when the girl on his arm shows him a hot chick that he must check out before she gets out of the domain. He’d just be looking at her with you, instead of looking for excuses to send you in the shops and then ogle. I do that all the time...sometimes we even discuss the assets and their worth and have a good laugh over it.
17. Share his past...make him talk about his school days, college gigs, girlfriends n crushes, memorable moments...gently persist of he resists and not forcefully demand...and please don’t hold on to the past...learn to accept it and move on.
18. Take him out for a date dinner some night...He does not need to take his wallet because this one’s on you...drive him there, keep a mini bar ready in the car (means two glasses, an ice bucket a packet of chips and the drinks...see not much!) and push back his seat and let him relax...make sure to stop the car in a deserted place for some sweet “mouth” savouries every now and then!
19. Learn to pack his suitcase for his journeys and make the effort to ensure his comfort like put newspapers in the shirts so that they don’t crinkle, a mini medical kit, extra polythenes to put in used clothes, etc.
20. You must give him a hang of close...real close dancing at least once through a dancing out night...it should be his moment there with you when you make him unaware of people, noise or other hot chicks around coz you are stupendously n teasingly close yet not really “in”.
What every woman should know...and remember too for these are the basics...The ABC...I know you know, but a reminder never hurts...
1. Respect his parents.
2. Appreciate his efforts n shower compliments regularly.
3. Keep his home and home atmosphere neat and pleasant.
4. Share his hassles and encourage his interests.
5. Control your anger and never shout at him.
6. Adapt to his friends...at least sometimes if not always.
7. Cook what he likes occasionally.
8. Look presentable when you go out, if not a head turner.
9. Learn to trace his mood and act accordingly.
10. Give him company and time.
11. Don’t nag, complain or crib all the time.
12. Don’t start off with in-laws woes as soon as he enters home.
13. Don’t go on n on about your own parents and family.
14. Don’t compare him with anyone, even to educate him.
15. Don’t underestimate the power of physical intimacy.
16. Never laugh at him publically or check him always on his actions.
17. Never criticize a gift given by him.
18. Money doesn’t count all the time...don’t scrutinize or post-mortem all his spending.
19. Be yourself!
20. Keep the romance alive, be his support and strength and by his side always.
Happy hubby humping!
22 October, 2009
You asked me to write something for you and I smiled...
Not just expressed in the uplifting corners of my mouth,
But also a springing or a bounce within...
An outcome of eternal bliss that you give to me,
By everything you say and the little-little things you do everyday...
Nobody has asked me ever to write something for them...
Well, nobody has ever done or said so many things to me
That you do and say...
It’s as though together we sublime...
It’s as though with full right you demand something that’s yours
And with full peace, I provide you something that’s no longer mine!
What do you write for someone who is in you and a part of your fabric?
Would not that be like writing about my own self?
For once I was just I,
When you were just you...
But now something else is true...
Now the boundaries have faded...
Our mingling has jaded,
Any sense of my existence without you!
Being with you, brings a losing of the sense of
Time, space, relativity and individuality!
It’s like a whole less ‘me’
And a whole more ‘we’!
With you around I feel snug and protected in an unnamed aura that would never leave my side...
With you all other voices become noises...
All other matters become immaterial...
All other dreams become an illusion...
The way you spin my reality in totality!
When you just smile and say ‘Good Morning’
It brings a blood pumping start to an otherwise mundane day!
Or when you stretch out and kiss my forehead
Or tuck me in the blanket before we go to bed!
Whether you are corny or horny, dumb or numb,
Reeling or revealing, wit personified or philosophical, sane or insane...
You are one of a kind! You truly are a find!
You are a mystery, a charm, an enticing and mad experience that I am so glad I have gone through...
Living with you each day...yet each day is like the start of a new phase...
You are tender and mild...and yet strong and wild!
You are like the gentle rain when I need to be soothed...
You are like the piercing rays when I need to be guided...
You are the unfolding tree when I need shelter...
You are the sturdy earth when my feet falter...
You are like the sweet song that I want always to be serenaded...
You are like the thirst quenching water that is deeply embedded!
Sometimes I wonder...
Is it actually possible for someone to love another so much...Is it really true that you are so blinded to my faults that you only see perfection?
Are you for real or a bad joke that fate is playing on me...comforting me with false sense of possession and self belief...of what you are and what I can’t be!
Is this for real or would I be pinched soon,
Facing broken hopes and loneliness, haunted by memories of our times so dear?
Love brings peace and love brings fear.
With you I comprehend the import of what were just words for me...
You are the first and you’d be the last...
You are the reason why I am here
And the deciding factor of how I may depart...!
With all that’s mine,
20 October, 2009
P.S. (yup...Post Script in the beginning coz I am different and this is no ordinary post...It’s an attempt go where no man has gone before...although I am sure there’s no SUCH place where a man hasn’t pushed or shoved his way and gone!). My post “Who’s done it?” got me so tempted to also enumerate my insane and abundant experiences with the farting basics and traumas!
Yup and if you were duh enough to be left wondering in there...you can stop rubbing your eyes now, scratching your head and re-reading the passages to try to guess what the bloody f@#$ I was talking about in that post...it’s all about farting and no denying that it’s a fart prone world that we live in!
Considering this is the most widely prevalent, global phenomenon, more in our face literally than global warming or population...because everyone from the Blacks to the Whites, virgins to voyeurs, saints to sinners, kings to beggars do it...most regularly and usually similarly, we do need a guideline to be able to easily and non-messily trod this turf!
KNOW YOUR FARTS:
The Silent Ass...Assault:
(When you ‘feel’ and sense it, look around dubiously but don’t see or hear it and are left wondering about its point of origin! He goes about doing his job so with such subtlety that he's a genius in his own right)
The Thundering Applauder:
(When you hear it and it blocks your nose as well as ears almost forcing from you a standing ovation, bole to stand up and run, dude!)
The Machine-gun Firing:
(It’s like the Diwali Seiko bomb thread...guaranteed to go on and on, one after another...pat, pat, pat till all ammunition of the body changes state and pollutes the bloody environment)
The Clarion Announcement:
(It’s long and bhopu waala baaja types...very disharmonious...at least make it sound better if not smell...It goes like the out of tune shehnai....poooooooooooooooo)
(This one provides a view along with sound effects...why should the eyes as senses be left behind? The brightness of yellow, gold, mustard and other bhai behens of this family’s hues, make their presence felt by sticking conspicuously to the clothes...ab bolke dikhao Ariel waalon ke... ‘Daag ache hain!’)
The Constipated Delivery:
(Comes like an explosive thud of a ‘climax’ after repeated pushes like the sounds from the delivery room of a pregnant woman...a hesitant delivery after balanced constraining of every muscle in the body, filled with nervous anxiety whether along with gaseous state of things...liquids and solids might not surface too)
The Tell-all of what you ate:
(Hmm...prepare to test the distinguishing abilities of your poor nose...for on the platter would be an amalgamation of multi-cuisines and you just have to close your eyes and whiff...Waise, the guess game helps in diverting the mind from the stench)
The Spluttering Release:
(This one is like an old scooter...you press the...aa...whatever and it sputters a sound...but then you have to apply force again and it goes vroom and breaks, vroom and breaks..you feel now it would kick start...but no, it goes through many whims and sounds before speeding out almost in a burst)
The Sigh! Sigh! Emission:
(This one’s not for the world for only the suffering heart knows the pain it bears...it’s the situation when you’ve been released and you are unaware...or the predicament when you sigh and wish it was you who caused the emission but fate would have it otherwise and make you grin and bear/bare.)
The Oh-what-a-relief Liberation:
(This is like the virtual life...when you go in a make belief world that you have been liberated...and the relief glows from trouser to trouser...oops ear to ear...and you say “Dear lord..thank god I’ve come” I hope no puns have been taken!)
HOW TO TRACE THE SYMPTOMS BEFORE DISASTER STRIKES?
When the thundering explosion announces its arrival...I am afraid my friend...there’s just no hope or scope!
But when there’s no sound but loads of scattering action, there are early indications of the calamity so you can run for shelter:
Like when you see someone lift one circle of their butt just a wee bit to make space between their lower ‘partition’ and the seat that holds them...A keen observer would easily notice the facial expressions getting taut and soon released and the ‘someone’ looking here and there sheepishly...Be ready, then my friend, to get your nose assaulted...so learn to pick the culprit instead of clipping the nose later. If at first go you can’t crack the mystery, don’t fret...practice makes perfect...life gives plenty of opportunities for this one!
THE BLAME GAME:
More people are guilty of this kind of explosive and then the blaming assault on innocent specimens of their species than all the homicide action combined. They may not have gone on any stage but their performance of innocence and ignorance after their emission is Oscar worthy.
Some choose to rest the blame on the fellows around being the first to ask...who’s done it? Still others would shoot out their own discomfort and in a hurry leave the crime scene before its fragrance scatters...much common spot hopping behaviour in parties can be attributed to this urgency. Some like my beloved while driving back home after a sumptuous dinner, would suddenly open the window of the car...although I tell him “Honey, my nostrils are used to of this fragrance...just pull up the window before I catch the cold”. Talking about shit and shitty stuff is his favourite preoccupation, though he prefers to call it ‘pokis’ and now half the mankind on my side of the planet terms it so!
Also worthy of a mention here is a sweet old lady of my acquaintance, may god rest her soul...who had this beautiful little habit of calling over guests at home...and just as they’d sit around the dining table to gorge...she would start of her loud explosions, stopping those spoons at the edge of our lips and forbidding them from going in till the dust kinda settled!
I want to say more, you know my habit...I can go on and on n on...A dear friend describes me as the gal who can write ten pages of how she spent the last five minutes on earth...I can offer homeopathic, spiritual, yogic, psychological, mental but not so detrimental solutions and more...but I would spare you guys and allow you to rest those facial muscles that have been scrunching the nose as well as giving a broad grin as they are reading this...Plus it’s been a long post and long time since you raised that cute butt for nature’s call...
Before you victimize those around you with crimes mentioned above...rush my friend rush...I’d be around when your return!
Happy shitting guys-and "spread" the message;)!
12 October, 2009
Just as there is a universal cry of women of all shapes and sizes, saying they do not understand their men; similar is the plight of the so-called superior sex...They’d have complete comprehension of rocket science, they’d applaud the matrix like nobody’s business, they’ll solve the worst of Sudoku in the newspaper or spot a calculation mistake in her metre long grocery bill. But ask them if they’ve unravelled the mystery of knowing a woman and they’d look at you as though you are babbling in an alien language and even after translation it would remain the most bloody absurd query they ever came across. They’d reason...I mean who in his bloody senses could ever understand a bloody woman?
You are bloody right and that’s where I come in...Your bloody saviour...guided by my little knowledge (before u doubt it...it’s enough to get you by), some teeny weenie bit of experiences (yup, those that ended in the right direction) and loads of imagination (Don’t worry, I am not assuming a strip tease of you right now...or am I...or whatever!)
There’s a huge difference (like say the difference between Amsterdam and Delhi ka Lal Quilla section...you know what I mean) between the actual spoken words and the import of what women say...so in all my magnanimity and by hearsay, I try here to do you an almost unconditional favour be decoding these verbal utterances...The only condition being...kindly reciprocate effectively, appropriately, sufficiently and accordingly whenever I demand it;)
So when your gal, woman, and dame or pain-in-the-a@@ says:
"We’ve talked a long while on phone today, I think you better go and get some work done"
The biggest dumbf@#$ing lie this is...
Never my dear man friend, fall for it....
She’s secretly hoping within you would say “Arrey no work is more important than you...everything else comes later...”
Say it and score big time!
"Do you think I look fat in this?"
This one’s eternal...and I guess even the biggest of jerks, geeks and dumb heads are by now well versed in handling it....
Don’t try: Ya honey...I think the curves on the sides are appearing a bit too bulgy as the clinging dress brings them out more horrendously (WHACK, WHACK...that’s the sound you would hear with your ears or feel on your cheeks...paid either in literal terms or in kind)
Do try: Not at all darling...u look like my princess...take a circle before the mirror and check out yourself...(Well, I would have come up with something wittier guys...but sorry, there’s no way you can tell your woman she’s not looking hot and get away with it!)
"I’m really not bothered if you talk to other women?"
Whattttttttttt? What a nerve? (This is us thinking in our over reacting minds with one eyebrow up vamp-ishly)...Bothered??? I am bloody hell blasting just now. By my own experience I know a man and a woman can never be friends! I better keep a double check on his whereabouts and action sequences henceforth! I need to accompany him everywhere now. What’s she got which I ain’t got!
"I am completely over my ex-flame...in fact take me before him now and I won’t so much as flutter my lids"
Big fat lie of the highest order guys...beware...don’t fall for it and actually take her there...For then would start the rounds of gregariousness and a lively display of affection towards you only to make the ‘past tense guy’ inflamed and go green...just accept it and make peace...or look for an emotional virgin!
"Oh if you are not well, we’d cancel the dinner date/plans honey...some other time...your health is more important"
Dumb schmuk...you should have listened to me when I was telling you to wear that jacket when you went strolling in the fog...or when I told you to remove those ice balls mounting in your drink last night...or to have taken the darn medicine when I suggested it this morning! Well, at least have a good memory now and remember now for Christ’s sake that I AM DOING THIS SACRIFICE FOR YOU!
"I so understand the need for your boy’s night out...I don’t mind at all. Have fun baby!"
Hmm...so you think you can have fun without me? God ji, please let him get bored to death and realize my value so he swears never to step out of home without me flaunted in his arm. And those friends of yours...I wish God gives you more common sense to let go of these bunch of losers! Let me assent this once to be able to dissent on the next four occasions!
"I am fine really...I don’t need a doctor...I’ll manage on my own!"
Hey bhagwaan...is bande ke aankhen hain ya button? Can’t he see I need pampering now ASAP and someone to hold that handkerchief when I blow into it and someone to hold my hand when I moan in pain, so what if the fever is just 99 degree C? Someone to take me to the doctor and tell me he’d do my homework/order food from outside so I don’t have to cook....Sigh! Sigh!
"It’s alright if you forgot my birthday...hota hain kabhi kabhi!"
OH MY GOD....this is what I get after months of my dedicated service...you my dear are right on top of my hit list...We’re so over and you won’t know what hit you...As if you sauntering in without a gift was not enough, you committed the cardinal sin of forgetting the whole event altogether and thereby the celebration of my birthday week!
"It’s not the material worth of a gift that matters...it is the feeling behind it"
Hmm...What possibly dumb logic of a feeling is involved in giving me a clinical thermometer show piece on our first anniversary! And when you said for you size does matter...why didn’t you bloody tell me you were not talking of diamonds?
"Don’t be silly...you won’t say anything to that sweet boy...he wasn’t oogling, he seems from a good family"
Blah, blah, blah, blah...we will go on and on to convince you that the dangerously attractive and tempting stranger is harmless...Secret admirers should be allowed to protectively blossom not crushed in the bud..
"Don’t you think we should take a break for a while in our relation?"
I am sick and tired of you...it was a bloody mistake to say the three letter words in the first place and now I just can’t stand you...Either flatter me more or get flat off my orbit!
"Oh! I am so overwhelmed at your proposal...I don’t know what to say!"
Whatttttttttt? Why do all the weirdoes end up finding me? How do I tell him that he needs to look at his face in the mirror again? I don’t know how to turn him down without being branded a bitch?
And now brace yourselves for the mother of it all:
"Tumhaara aur mera to saat janmon ka saath hain"
Ya right...and let’s hope this is the seventh one!
P.S. This was just in good humour my friends...the author takes no claims to authenticity or efficacy of the suggestions made. Kindly follow them under the professional guidance and any resemblance to me or any other woman you know of is purely coincidental...hehe;)
11 October, 2009
The eternal combo of wrangle off the shelf...Men have been inseparable from the carnal sin and women have been too attached to their head ache woes or so they project! Just as men would continue to feel horny, women would continue to find that corny!
And so they live spitefully ever after!
It’s amazing how differently as species or kinds, we are programmed. Take a man anywhere and he’d turn and return to sex. You tell him the weather is awesome and he’d snap back with...ya, the perfect setting for mad, wild sex! Tell him you feel hot and pat would come the reply...you need to shed off your clothes darling and release that heat in the sack. Tell him that you feel dull today and the solution would be exciting in-the-sheet activities to get the adrenalin pumping and pepping you up. A woman needs to just get close...a simple embrace is not so simple and a touch of a woman is not just that- a touch...it has “far reaching” consequences. For men the world begins and ends at sex. Yes, it does...no point in denying that wise guy and no point in defending him about it dear lady!
A wise dear friend of mine says...sex for an average Indian guy takes about 7 minutes, including the car park time and that of shedding the garbs! Hmm...Very profound must say! So just for this seven minute sprint and maybe a minute of orgasmic pleasure...they spend their lives fantasising and conspiring to get laid and keep getting there. Women, it’s no rocket science, are constituted a bit differently. While a miniscule section may differ, the majority cannot have it every day or at the drop of a hat, they can’t drop it all...unless they feel a kinda connection and arousing yearning.
So since the other general excuses are not perennial...like it’s the those-four-days time, I had a long day at office and I am tired, you’ve eaten too much and hence too heavy to come on top...I’ve eaten too much and hence spare me the drill...I was busy doing your mother’s errands all day, etc, etc...The best option left ultimately is of headache, for it can come out anytime and anywhere, to timely rescue...But just check dear ladies that he may be toying with the idea of taking you for shopping after the hot session...So this path should be carefully trodden!
The head aches vs. sex stories have been infamous through history....here are some such topical jokes that commit to my memory, despite me being pathetic at conniving them on short notice...
(1) A husband one night, just before they were going to sleep, brought a glass of water and a tablet of Aspirin to his wife and told her to have it...She was utterly puzzled and said, “But why? I don’t have a head-ache!” With a wicked smile on his face he retorted, “Ok then, since it’s confirmed, take off your clothes and let’s have hot wild sex”.
(2) Man to friend: After years of marriage finally my wife and I have become sexually compatible. Now we both get head-aches at the same time!
(3) Santa was sucking his fingers and kissing his palms...when asked why, he said, “My wife has a head ache, so this is foreplay before self-help”.
And many more that I’ve heard down the ages, read in messages on mobile and mails... and thus the infamous tangle continues! Men would continue to be fixated and women continue to be frustrated about running out of excuses to dodge. We continue to wonder why men are so imaginative and skilled before and during the act...not realizing that they are plugged into a genius- that’s we the women kind! If only we women learn to crib less and be just as creative! If only the men also realize to be just as inspired in related areas and give romance a thumbs-up over lust!
Just as the fairer sex releases her latent tangles by talking, the superior sex gets de-stressed by taking out “things” to their beloved. So instead of the bicker and battle...let’s understand and rattle the bed...to bring a rocking calm and climax to both ends....of the mind I mean and the body would comply too. For most normal men, sex at most normal times, is a necessity and not just need. For most normal women at most normal times, sex is a desire and not just a drive. We don’t need to compromise...we need to adapt and empathise...so that we don’t live spitefully ever after...but happily ever after! Amen!
05 October, 2009
About 20 kms from Jhansi, amidst rolling hills and scrubby dhak forests, lies the riverside township of Orchha. Located at the banks of Betwa river, Orchha was once the capital of Bundela kings and hence a major tourist destination of Madhya Pradhesh, lined with architecturally beautiful temples and monuments and a handful of super comfy resorts. Our destination for the two days get-away was Hotel Amar Mahal, just a stone’s throw away from the impressive cenotaphs on the Betwa River and providing panoramic views of the breath taking scenes around. The hotel is built and decorated in the traditional Bundelkhand architectural style and hence offers you a luxurious stay in almost the laps of royalty.
It’s been ages since I have been aching for a holiday and grilling my beloved with slow persistent torture, almost bordering to being a nag for it, till the poor victim finally gave in. We bargained to come to reasonable terms- I demanded a full-fledged, long holiday to somewhere far off where I could satisfy the exploration germs wriggling in every pore of my body; he offered a weekend break to some place near, where we just go, dump in ourselves and relax for a couple of days. Phew! Beggars can’t be choosers and with a deep sigh, this time I gave in. Another couple friends were roped in and since I thoroughly enjoy their company, my peppy genes finally began to bounce. Though just a couple of days before on my birthday, they came over to our house with their two little kids to give us a taste of how the holiday would be with those pair of mini terrorists around. Within a matter of a few minutes they ransacked my room and the little one (who was turning two just the next day) managed to scream his guts and our ears out...sigh! Sigh! Never mind I said summoning all my bravery at my urgent service...wahan ja kar he samjhenge ab!
So I cancelled my tuitions on Gandhi Jayanti and the day after. My kiddos asked me “Ma’m Friday is 2nd October so no classes, but why a holiday on 3rd October too?” A wise guy among them replied, “Ma’m is celebrating Gandhi Jayanti for two days...” I burst out laughing, unable to control the chirpy tickle that had set within! I also called on duty my culinary skills and managed to contrive some mayonnaise sandwiches and as for the rest of the knick knacks...why in god’s name have they opened bakeries and general stores? For a two days trip, we were carrying ammunition of snacks to feed us all for a week...this despite the fact that we had an all meals inclusive package.
Though scheduled to start at 7 a.m., we managed to leave Kanpur at around 8. 45 a.m. Slow start...but a start nevertheless! Watching Ganga maiyya being left behind, brought in the feeling of wow, I am finally out of town for a holi-holiday...hurray, hurray! After a literally rocking ride of not such smooth streets with strategically placed rocks and ditches all over, the five and a half hours somehow passed amidst laughters and jokes and also chips and namkeen bits sticking out of our hair and surfacing suddenly from some part of our body...we managed to enter the throes of Hotel Amar Mahal at around 2. 30p.m.
While the sight of the almost dead city had dulled our spirits, for it is barely extended to a radius of 10 kms and so less populated that you begin to wonder if the national population control drive was followed painstakingly only in Orchha...but the sight of a fort cum castle like resort managed to uplift things appropriately. Our bookings were confirmed and soon we were escorted to our rooms, passing a few expiry date firangs on the way. Expiry date bole to...those 50 plus generation, with one feet in the grave, who decide to travel the world before they eventually journey down to their sepulchres and some managing to do so even on their way! So there went the hopes and expectations of my dear beloved to come across some hot goore maim tanning herself on the pool side and just might in a moment of insanity ask him to rub the sun tan lotion on her back. His bubble burst, I was the only consolation at hand, and so we were decidedly in the room for the next couple of hours, discovering passionately what we’ve been digging since nine years of our matrimony! Umeed pe duniya kaayam hain...maybe we just might stumble upon a new ‘eureka’ moment! Since it’s the city of excavations, we must put in our suitable contribution.
The pool side view was awesome and all through the way I had been luring and beckoning the rain gods to join us and I had promised to give in and get drenched in his arms if he chose to wet me! And even the rain gods obliged...males just can’t resist the sight if women bathing in the tumbling waters with clothes sticking to their skins...and the rain god proved his masculinity.
The weather became awesome, with cool breeze blowing and the floor of heaven being captivatingly wrapped in dark fluffy clouds, as we got dressed to click pictures (face book uploads are always in the back of my mind...at least those who couldn’t accompany us might as well get a burning, jealousy-wrapped taste of how we had a blast...next time ke victims to join me for a holiday get confirmed in this way!) All the rooms face a spacious chowk having a Mughal garden laid out in it...the place was lush green, intricate carving and paint sculpting and nakashhi adorning the walls. It was time to eat, drink and be merry because it had begun to drizzle and we just gazed at the beauty and peace that enveloped us from all sides.
The next morning...I could barely restrain my excitement and after much patience that I extended till 9 am and couldn’t contain any more of it in my little body, I woke up everyone else. We had planned to go for a swim! Now, I can’t swim even if you put me on gun point or tell me that mother earth was put on stake...I would rather hit the trigger of the gun myself or apologize to mother earth for not being Dharm paaji and save her from kutte kamineys. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wade my way in the soft flowing water...which comes up only till the neck. Now, I also can’t dare to ever get into a swim suit...which is actually a favour for you lesser mortals for I don’t wish to bring about a mass slaughter caused by shock and heart attacks...not because I am drop dead gorgeous in a teeny weenie bit (oh...sigh! sigh!) but because there’s a limit to how much flesh even the male ogling eyes can take!
So all dressed as we were, the two of us heavy duty females along with the men in question, who stripped to their bare essentials...ahem, ahem...we jumped into the pool...Na, na...all the water didn’t come out thereafter...it just flirted around us gently touching the right curves and playfully wetting us to the core....PLEASE...no puns intended!
So after throwing my arms and legs around in mad abandon...in about an hour we decided to spare the firangs of watching the torture of bloody Indians dirtying the pool with our lack of swimsuit sense and our dirty minds...we got out! But what fun it had been!
We also visited the famous Betwa River that flowed past big boulder of rocks and some literally “shitty” stuff of human and animal discard. Not such a great way to spend time by distressing the nostrils and tormenting the eyes...we rushed back to the retreat soon enough. I also gifted my dear beloved a Kairali massage, hoping I’d be returned the favour...in any kind what so ever...but I got a peck on the cheek and an agonising recital of how good it was! Since it was a male masseur, I didn’t really insist on his allowing me to experience the performance first hand...unke khushi mein he mere khushi hain soch kar shaant ho gaye yeh Bharatiye naari!
So like this the two days whisked past. With about 70 photographs and a bundleful of happy memories and great one-liners through the journey...we finally returned to home sweet home. It was a balm that healed my wounds...but as I write this I feel my body twitch again...some muscles seem to be vibrating unceasingly and some nerves crumbling....OH MY GOD...the balm seems to have been evaporated...it’s that same ache...the ache to go on a holiday again!