Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

06 June, 2011

The Mysterious Caller


I know what you are thinking with a smug expression-this lady thinks no end of herself. First it was that stalker at the walk story, then getting a lift from a handsome stranger, to all the crushes on her and now a mysterious caller. But by the end of this all, you would be sympathising with me again dear friend, instead of envying...trust me, even though I don’t do so myself.

I absolutely wait for the ridiculous to happen with me which is rarely a disappointment so that I could splash it across here for my readers to float along with big monkey grins on their blessed faces over my misery yes, I know I am weird. And anyways, the last two serious posts had got me unbelievably itchy you don’t wanna know where to find my funny bone. After giving up searching in lards and yards and what not of me, I think I finally found it or at least hoping here that I did, thanks to a relative stranger again god bless them all in their species.

Since the evening of 3rd June, the Friday, I had been receiving messages on my mobile from an unknown number-the usual philosophies of life moving on to love notes and hard-to-fathom shayyari. I delete numbers on my contact list after a while if there is no exchange or need of the person’s details on that space. What can I say, I just hate clutter. So on the 4th morning, after the “good night’s” and the “good morning’s” became a little obnoxious and a tad bit curious for curiosity might not kill the cat here but it could definitely send her in a mini coma of sorts I messaged back asking, “Who’s this?”

Pat came the reply: “Ur friend”
Wow, wasn’t that unexpected!
Me: Say who you are or stop messaging.

After this the shayyari continued, getting much to my nerves for it was of the variety that shows like Comedy Circus boast of, dashed with romance to render it the most outlandish spectacle on the face of mobile phones. I mean who creates that kind of crap and worse still, who betrays humanity and his duties towards being a responsible citizen by circulating the preposterous!

Anyways, an hour later or so I received a call from this number and absent-mindedly I picked up. I do receive calls from unknown numbers I am not a celebrity yet.
He (in an amazingly squeaky tone): Hellooo Surucee!
Me (in an amazingly aghast tone, put there by just those two words): Kaun bol rahe hain?
MC (Mysterious Caller that is-any resemblance to any other anagram is purely coincidental and the author takes no responsibility): Mein Sameer!
Me: Sameer who?
MC: Arre, tum nahi jaante?
Me (wondering if someone called Sameer was just crowned the President or married the Prince of Wales that I am expected to know of this name even in sleep): Ji nahi. Politeness in the face of the absurd is the true quality of a lady my dear...what crap, I didn’t know how to blast him at such short notice.

MC: Acha I am a Second year student, kya hum dost ban sakte hain?
Me (losing it now): Whaaaaaaaaat? Please don’t call up again!
MC (with unmatched confidence, Dhoni should learn from him actually): Arre kal se messages kar rahe ho, thode der baat to kar lo.
Me (lost it now): *disconnects and does not pick up thereafter from Mr.  Persistence Personified*

Omgggggggggg! I was flabbergasted!
MEIN messages kar rahe hoon...MEEIIIIIIIIIINNNNN????
I didn’t know what to get more angry on this guy for:
1. He presupposes after badgering me with about 50 messages, to which I innocently and eventually just asked “Who’s this?” to MEEEEEEEE messaging him...sweet mother of lord, the guy needs help!

2. He was in Second year of college-I am hoping he didn’t mean second year school for that would mean class 12 and take my omg to the Himalayas. I mean agreed, age is no bar, but it is not an éclair either-Okay poor joke, but the guy must be twenty for crying out loud! When I was in my flaming teens, he was in his wetting nappies...such thoughts flashed my mind, which was in no way flattered by the attention.

3. Never mind that....story does not end there...picture abhi baaki hain!

The whole day thereafter the messages continued and also the hourly calls. He was instantly saved on my contact list as “DON’T PICK” to avoid making any blunders again. So DON’T PICK now said, “Mere se koi galti ho gaye kya?”
“Somebody sounding so sweet, how can she be so sour”-YEEEEEEEEEES...these were the exact words, followed by crueller massacre of the English language that almost prompted me to check his messages, edit with a big red pen and send him back with a big F that’s Failed by the way!

When the saga went on way into the night, G was informed and he seemed grim. I thought he would get angry. He seemed sad...I wanted to console him saying I belong only to him, my body, heart and soul saat janam tak, with a whole lot of drama that would put the entire Bollywood to shame, but then he uttered those words...Na bachche ‘DIVORCE, DIVORCE, DIVORCE’ nahi, re!

“You still get calls from admirers and are in demand but I don’t. Tum abhi bhi jawan ho aur mein buddha ho gaya kya?”
Omg...would the men orbiting my horizon please act as sensible men?
This is not about you baby, it is about me and I shake him up like a nice cough syrup ka bottle, after reminding him of the saat vachans to guard my izzat, taken round the holy fire eleven years ago during our wedding day!

So the next morning is encounter time*playing background music of some cowboy theme where the two opponents wear squeaky shoes and walk up to each other in painfully slow motion, reverberating with thak, thak, thak...you can also imagine close up shots of the silly faces in the crowd and bemused faces of the horses, for absolute imagery there*

At the first “good morning” G calls the bugger from his cell.
G: Kaun hain bhai aap?
BC (that stands for Badtameez Caller now, situation ke saath thoda adapt karna padta hain na): Aap kaun hain?

G: Aaj kal bade messages and phones kar rahe ho kisse ko? Kya baat hain?
BC: Haan kar raha hoon...to? Kya kar loge?
G: Beta, yeh sab jo kar rahe ho, lagta hain tumhe maar khaane hain?
BC: Kha lenge...ho sakta hain ulta ho jaaye.
G: Acha to milo tum abhi mereko station ke paas, mein batata hoon!
BC: Theek hain...arre nahi abhi nahi, 3 baje milte hain!
And he disconnects the line.

OHHH MYY GOOOD GOD!
One would think two people were asking each other out on a date! I didn’t know about the BC’s sexual preferences, but mere aapne maathe ka sindoor and yeh sab! Ghor Kalyug! I gave a stern look to G, that said, "Kar kya rahe ho aap? Usse time pass nahi karna hain...hadkana hain!" And what on earth would you derive on meeting the bugger anyways? 3 baje to aise bola jaise facial, manicure, pedicure ka time mind mein set kar ke aayega, mera haath maangne- @#$%%#$@##@!

A minute later I get another message, “Tumne apne boyfriend ko bata ke acha nahi kiya”. Omg please don’t keep the omg count here, some situations demand repetition!

Nahiinnnnnnnnn! Yeh meine kya kiya*one hand on the forehead with the 'mein lut gaye, barbaad ho gaye 'expression* I almost imagined a group of bikers in high boots, growling engines, leather jackets-oops, okay it is summers-costume change-in white shinning vest with muscles-shuscles rippling, circling my poor G in the nukkad near the station. And as soon as G got up with a very determined look that said ‘do or die’, I also thought of maaro-ing the favourite line, “Station tak pahunchne se pehle tumhe mere laash par se guzar ke jaana padega!” Thankfully or not, G had only got up to go to the loo!

Half an hour later he emerged from the washroom looking all victorious, which is generally anyways his look after every such trip and generally the IST-Indian Standard Time taken by the men in this family inside there I have often seriously thought of putting cameras in there but that for some other time.

G: The matter is solved. He won’t bug you any further.
Me: Huh? What did you do? (I was thinking he had contacted Pappu Bhai, whom I have overheard him saying umpteenth times on the phone, “Is baar bhai mera kaam theek se karvana, koi gadbad na ho!”)

Well, to cut the long story short, G had asked the bugger point blank if he knew whom he was calling and that the woman in question was married and ek bachche ki ma! G said I should have heard his tone for it seemed someone pulled the earth off his feet. He obviously didn’t know. The bugger had bought a mobile phone from a friend ka friend, found a girl’s name on the contact list and randomly sent messages hoping someone would get hooked.

Five minutes later I get the last message on the phone,
“Sorry yaar, chal bye.” G has not been able to wipe the smug grin off his face uptil now and I am still recovering from the disappointment of not being able to render my drama lines.

Morals of this story:
1. I may not be as jawaan as G thinks after all and G may not be all that useless in handling my izzat ke questions as I thought.
2. Though I truly believe we should not disclose marital status and baby issues in such sensitive matters to ensure a complete closure...where is tact, people?
3. Pappu Bhai is the garage owner where our cars go for servicing and repairs.
4. For heaven’s sake, people-delete the contact list before selling your mobile phones. It can bring someone’s home/ego crashing down!
5. That picture up there is not mine- just mentioning, in case I still have some market value that may not come staggering down to below zero thanks to that lady!

63 comments:

A said...

That stinks. It is terrible. Stalking is a crime.

Anonymous said...

MYsterious stalkers , callers and blog commenters ..kya life hai bhai ;-) Loved the blog post, Suruchi especially some of the analogies ( curiousity killed the cat etc ...BTW was an original ;-))

Tanvi said...

Hhahahahhahaha OMG!!! Why does all hilarious things only happen to you! Such an exciting life.

Bechara stalker ... kahan ladki pattana chahta tha ... aur khana usse married-mommy mil gayi :P

Well entertaining!!!

♡ from © tanvii.com

Rachit said...

interesting.... try using reject list next time :)

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

G just killed it. :P

And what if he was the same old guy who once tried his arts on your mother thinking it to be you? :P

Anyways, badi jaldi sudhar gaya sachhayi sun ke. Ye bhi ni socha ke G jhooth bhi to bol sakte hain?

Well, little instances should keep on happening to keep up the life'smischief

Cheers,
Blasphemous Aesthete

Sadiya Merchant said...

lol. dis was hilarious! missed youuuu.

Pythoroshan said...

new the starting of this story from ur facebook..didnt know the ending..wow !! ur hubby came as a knight in shining armour :)

suruchi said...

Hi A,
I know...but theek hain...ho jaata hain kabhi kabhi!
Did you read the entire post? He was more bechaara than me by the end of it!
Socha tha kya n kya ho gaya types:-)

suruchi said...

Hello Anonymous,
So we are back again, eh? And anonymous still!
Phew! Sigh!
Thank you for the recognition of originality...you somehow became the source of it!

I sooooooooooo know you...if only you would give me a chance to prove me right!:/

suruchi said...

Hey Tanvi:-)
This is NOT an exciting life...this is extraction of excitement from a life less ordinary:-)
I know...in G’s terms... “woh ek bachche ke ma hain”
As though yeh gunaah ho gaya:(
What a biased world!:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Rachit,
I don’t think there would be a next time*mein lut gaye, mein barbaad ho gaye pose ka encore*
Every day is not Diwali na, re?;-)


Hi Sadiya,
Thank you and thank you also for missing me:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Anshul,
Hain na...G ko ek baar kya bol diya tha ke “aap killer lag rahe ho”, he kinda takes that seriously...manages to kill all my teeny weenie prospects:/

And you remember about the guy who tried his arts on my mother?
Wow...after reading soooo many people in the blogosphere*I am floating on cloud 9 n this feels nice*

Jaldi sudhar gaya kyonki realize kar liya ke khoda pahaad n nikle elephant:(
Aur waise aap mere side ho ya BC ki?:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Roshan,
My hubby did come as the night...er..knight in shining armour;-)

And fb ke status only inspired me to write more about it...wahan there was too less space to bare it all;-)

Anita :) said...

haha nice one ! congrats 2 G ! Lesson 2 stalkers !

A said...

@Suruchi,

I read the whole post end to end. I do not think he was more bechara.

Assume it was indeed an unmarried girl.

thebrokennib said...

Suruchi... You both should have gone to meet this guy... The look on his face would have been priceless. You could have taken a picture as well for posting on the blog ;) ;)

The piece was hilarious :D

Priya said...

Talk about dialling a wrong number ;-))

Pavitra .... said...

hahahaha....Suruchi!
How come the most absurd things happen to you??
You guys should have gone to meet him... I can imagine his expression after he came to know...Lol!
Hilarious post!!
Hugs!!

sulagna ™ said...

G ne baja di an uski :) hehehee

pri said...

heeheehee...i loved reading this post :D
u are hilarious, lady!!

and thanks for the awesome idea..perhaps i can try & pull off the 'shadi shuda & do baccho ki maa' thing, the next time i get those irritating calls/emails. *grins*

Mani Lalwani said...

and u still have doubts as to who the guy was ?
maybe sumone who has been telling you to teach him how to write ;)
just saying :P

btw loved the post re.. 1 no ekdum..
"Somebody sounding so sweet, how can she be so sour" amazingly cheesy re....

p.s. - did the line "am in second year" also didn't help :(

Anonymous said...

Suruchi , I have a request ....one post on people from Kanpur pls. I know a couple of them and they are just hilarious. I just want to know if it is just them ;-) who better than you with your world view to do justice to this! OK, now I'm not sure whether you are going to thank me for the blogpost idea or tell me to ;)$;!)( off but making a request while still being anon ;-)) I think I will take that chance !

Bikramjit said...

You looking good shouting in that phone.. Dont tell me you still use those old type phones ...

Hmm funny post are masha allah aap to balle balle kya baat still phone calls hmmmmmmmm... mujhe bhi apna id hide karke phone karna chahiye and oyeeeeeeeeeeeeee please G ko nahin bolana .. aven pappu bhai ko takleef hogi..

But next time aap aise nahin karo , phone uthao aur usko bulao ... time fix karte hain .. itna time ho gaya hai mere ko bhi college university chodhe or HAATH GARAM kiya .. bulao fir pitai karte hain ache se..

Ghar main MA BEHEN nahin hai kya ..

and OMG almsot 5 or 6 time hua ..

ahhh bless G i can understand what he is feeling ab kya karen bhai.. biwi itni sundar hai to fone to ayenge hi na he he he he

You sure have funny things going on in life and its hilarious.. and i definitely like the way you talked on phone I know :) he he he
Bikram's

Zeba said...

I have always been impressed by these stalker/pervert type's persistence. These people have PATIENCE. I am jealous. Haha.

Mr. "Niraj" Lemon said...

ha ha ha....why every time something or the other problem occurs and the centre of attraction is "U"...I though i m the only "Kismat ka marra and duniya ka satya hua" but there is one more lemon on the tree...Seriously yaar, at time people are out of their mind doing those kind of stuffs...waise a sweet revenege by a person on anamika...just like a hindi movie...15 saal bad revenge lene wapis aya...he he he...Waise m still not able to chat with anamika...!! :(

aakash said...

That was Hilarious!!
Perverts are a very interesting species.. I am wondering how can you expect to get a girl by randomly smsing someone you dont know a least bit about... this is what I call hope, true faith..
Laughed from start till end, and back here in home, my mum thinks I am video chatting wid some gal... In her words, "badi hansi aa rahi hai, raat ko bhi chain nahi hai in ladkiyon ko" :P

regards
aJ

Sameera said...

Kahan se??? Kahan se laati hain aap itni excitement apni life mein?? I badly need some tips..

It was mind-blowing.. Suruceee ;)

suruchi said...

Hi Anita,
As if the stalkers ever learn:-)
N 2G almost reminded me of 3G and my god...the thought of having 2 G’s around...hmmmm!:-)


Hi A,
I know...if it were an unmarried girl, I guess the situation would have been different...but even then, there are ways of handling such unwanted attention...
Though I am not advocating stalking but this was a fluke case for me!

Miles Of Style said...

oh my gawd! i've had my share of mysterious and not so mysterious stalkers but this guy sounds really cheeky and wise-assed! thank god everything got sorted out without further trouble for you!

Karena said...

Surachi we need to find another kind of excitement for your life!!

xoxo
Karena
Art by Karena

Be sure to come & send your friends to enter my amazing Giveaway from Tracy Porter!

sumukh bansal said...

bechare bacche ka to dil hi ttot gaya hoga.. ha ha ha

sumukh bansal said...

are koi bacche k bare me bhi to socho..

suruchi said...

Hi thebrokennib,
Arree...here I was having a tough time handling him over the phone...real life mein mil kar I would have probably fainted with disbelief...n I would take my pic home to save it was one of a kind!:-)

Thanks for reading:-)

suruchi said...

@Priya,
Yup...talk about that...and not just dialling but spending hours on a wrong number...it was just heard of till now n now believed:-)


Hey Pavitra,
I have absolutely no idea how come the absurd things happen with me?
May be they are just the normal things and the narration makes it sound so outlandish...we all get mysterious callers now, don’t we?;-)

Hugs n love baby!:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Su,
I know...jam ki bajaye...aaj kal biwi pe taras khaye hue hain na shayad is liye;-)



@Pri,
Thank you girl...and try the shaadi shuda stunt...though can’t vouch for the guy at the other end to be as dumb as this one n give up so soon....tch, where is perseverance in our youth! Lol:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Mani,
Kya re...you mean one of my students??
You know what I think...it is one of these sales guys at stores like Pantaloons n Lifestyle...they always get you to sign stupid forms with your name, address n phone numbers on pretext of benefits...and I fall for them often(the offers that is)

And you ask if that was cheesy...that was the entire cheese cake!:-)
And woh second year waali line kaise help karte yaar...I don’t know why on earth he or you should think that would help!

suruchi said...

Hey Anon,
You are beginning to scare me now!
I am almost thinking what if you are my jeeth ke jija ke friend ke saale or my nanad ki devar ke jija ki bhai?????????

Let’s stop playing hide n seek here n behave like mature adults:-)
N people of Kanpur...I don’t know yaar...there’s a mixed bag here...you can never really generalise or classify people, can you?:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Biky,
Woh mein nahi hoon yaar...aap apne asli waale man(as in mind n not man) ki aankhon se dekho..sab clear clear dikhega;-)

Arrre jab tak aapko mein England se bulaaonge haath garam karne ki liye n aap yahan pahunchoge...tab tak to bechaare ki junior versions nursery mein padh rahe honge!

And kya kahan...SUNDAR BIWI...awwwwwwwwww:-)
And thank you for liking me on the phone...though you are biased with my Biky, I know...you’ll like me in any which way:-)

suruchi said...

@Niraj,
Mein problem ke centre of attraction nahi hoon yaar...abhi right waala centre bolo na...attraction ki baad problem khud ba khud khadi ho jaate hain;-)

Haha...you will not let Anamika rest in peace na...bechaare grave mein bhi tumble kar rahe hoge:-) sounds like a ghostly story...15 saal baad! Lol!

And why are you kismat ka maara ji...chat pe nahi aa paate Niraj...log on to the computer only for the blog...otherwise Fb is generally through the phone...Seeya’s keeping me veryyyyy busy!:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Zeba,
You are jealous of their patience?????????
Koi na...surround yourself with hot people around you n you’d see how quickly your own patience escalates ;-)


@Sameera...
Yeh excitement nahi hain yaar...it’s the very opposite!
Thode bahut excitement the ki kabhi koi “worth it” cheez dobaara kabhi takraayege...woh bhi choor chooor ho gaye:-)
Thanks gurl for always reading me:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Aakash,
I know right?:-)
That is just not hope...it is blind faith and lame whatever!:-)

And your mom bit...lol!
Now that was a huuuuuuuuuuuuge compliment...waise I am wondering ki what happens during the day time to get mommy dearest so miffed;-)

suruchi said...

Hi Persis,
He takes the cake, right?
Actually, yes...thank God, he gave up...warna this would have not been such a laughing matter:-)



Hi Karena,
Thank you...I would check out for sure.
The more the excitement, the merrier:-)


@Sumukh,
Yeh lo...ab bachche ki baare mein zyaada socha to kahin public yeh na bole:
Ab bachche ki jaan loge kya;-)

Dishita said...

:) nice one.

☆ Rià ღ said...

He he this was too much. :) good 2 c u back.

maithili said...

This post had me all smiles :)
I have had such callers who have pathetic collection of smses to forward and worse have a torturing text language!
luckily my cell now has "block caller" option :)

Your humor was superb in this one :)

Love
Maithili

Jack said...

Suruchi,

I have to file a writ with God as to how come you have all the fun always. LOL.

Take care

suruchi said...

@Dishita n Ria,
Thank you guys:-)



@Maithili,
I guess I need to learn more about my options now too;-)
And lol at the "torturing text language"...so true:-)



@Uncle J,
I don't have the fun yaar...I just end up being the funny one:-)

IRFANUDDIN said...

well....a lengthy one butttt nice read...really enjoyed....:)))

and btw these sms packs from the fone operators are more responsible for such things bcoz it costs just nothing for hundreds of msgs every day.

regards,
irfan.

sm said...

yes interesting read
what will happen next

Nadia said...

haha...meri life ki kahani...sadly the one who messages me has so many numbers I can't keep track...I even told him am the ministers daughter. Maybe I should try I have a kid. :P
It's the only wayt ma'am.

btw I love this part......“Somebody sounding so sweet, how can she be so sour”-YEEEEEEEEEES...these were the exact words, followed by crueller massacre of the English language that almost prompted me to check his messages, edit with a big red pen and send him back with a big F that’s Failed by the way!"....
I can truely understand...English ka satyanash kar diya hai Rabba! :P

Anonymous said...

Can we have a trascript of all the smes . LOL

Alka Gurha said...

Suruceee at her best...absolute riot.
Lucky you. No one calls me anymore...
sob sob.
But honestly, it can be very disturbing...

Raam Pyari said...

lols!
this was hilarious and scary in bits :)

nice blog ! my first time here-on a major blog hopping spree today! will keep coming back for more.

Deboshree said...

Stalkers are the worst sort of criminals. Ugh. Though I sympathize with you over this mess-up and am glad it's all sorted out now, I won't deny you had me in splits. Ha ha ha... :D

suruchi said...

Hi Irfan,
Length does matter;-)
I know right...these stupid sms packs have given rise to so many love stories, that would have otherwise been nipped in the bud:-)
Thanks for reading!


Hey SM,
Whatever had to happen has happened!
:-)

suruchi said...

Hi Nadia,
Save the guy as
Don’t Pick 1
Don’t Pick 2
Don’t Pick 3
Well, after that use other names like
Irritating 1
Irritating 2
That’s how I manage to keep my life simple;-)

suruchi said...

Hey Anon,
Deleted the sms’s...sorry!
Maybe would save them for next time;-)


Hi Alks,
Arre...they’d all want to call silly people who would attend to them and not smart ones like you jo unka band baja de...is liye shaayad!
They don’t know though what they are missing:-)


Hi Ram Pyari,
Such an adorable name:-)
Thank you for visiting...hope to see you around:-)

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD.... I cannot stop myself from ROTFLaughing.......................

AWESOME...

Yes, it gets thoroughly irritating when the unwanted calls do not seem to stop.

Last year, a bugger called me... arsehole... and continued calling me. My cell phone battery refused to get charged....

They stop calling when you do not respond.... and thank god... have a blackberry now... so I add all the unknown numbers to the blacklist....

suruchi said...

Hi Anon,
Thank you for the ROFL:-)
And yes, I have now learnt the mantra that it is stupid to ask an anonymous caller "Who are you?"
Silence is really golden apparently:-)

Scribblers Inc said...

Excellent post!!:D

I mostly dont like "one day of my life" blogs, but am always ready to make exceptions...especially if they are as interesting as yours!! :D

Thoroughly enjoyed...hope to be back soon!

wishes
Scribblers Inc.

P.S.- Are you still on your "No sharing numbers with strangers" policy? :P

suruchi said...

Hi Scribblers Inc,
This ain't one day of my life blog anyways...more like 3-4 days of a month:(

Thank you so much for the generous praise:-)And yes, still on with my "No sharing numbers with strangers" policy, though my definition of "strangers" keeps getting a twist now n then;-)

Hope to see you around:-)

blunt edges said...

Hahahahaha! As hilarious as it gets, but what took the cake is that innocent looking line about G always having a victorious look on his face when he returns from the loo! ROFLMAO!!

And MC/BC a coincidence ha? Ok I buy it :P

And I had to scroll back to our old convos to find out which was the post you had said I would like, to get this, and yes I loved it! :D

suruchi said...

@Blunts,
Typical you...pick out the lines that are least flattering for me:/

Thanks for buying and knowing me, what else can it but be, but a coincidence;-)

Seeeeeeeee itne din lagaye in coming here...but I am sooooooooooooo glad you remembered...yiy, yiy, yiy:-)

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