After my thunderous-blunderous attempt at fiction…
*sob,sob...n I had thought I’d give Shobha De a run for her money…damn I even conjured up film producers lining up for copyrights yaar*
I am back to giving my pearls of wisdom on what I know best*stop jumping with joy..it's not sex today*
...The human anatomy*remember you heard about butts here first so that you learnt to savour them appreciatively and also mercifully, other than just raising an eyebrow and passing a smirk*
Soooooooo anatomy again….
Nope...I am not a doctor…
And I don’t dissect*at least not human bodies*
And I have no obsession with organs*unless you twist the anagram and make it ‘orgasmic’*
All I can do is …
Observe*yes I have x-ray vision…I can look beyond clothes…at your soul, that is*,
Gauge*I’ve got a feeling that you have put on weight handsome dude…how about removing your clothes and shedding 2 pounds instantly?*,
N stare*if worthy, then ogle and if not then just Google…I know that was a poor joke…but rhyme to acha tha na?*
So let’s tackle LEGS today!
My inspiration for leggie talk?
Well, as usual…my soul mate of sorts by now…my gymnasium!
My dearly beloved asked me yesterday, after looking at me from head to toe, with eyes wide open and a gaping mouth…
*Nope…the question was not…Can we have sex now?*
*N much as I’d love to tell you here that it was due to my drop dead gorgeous looks…it was actually a jolt provided by my thunder thighs! Now I could give Sridevi a run for her money…abe koi to run kare!*
So my dear beloved:
“Baby, are you sure you are going to the gym every morning?
Are you sure they’ve put you in the weight loss programme and not weight gain by mistake?
Are you sure it’s not like you say the new track pant but actually fat on those pretty legs?”
Hmm…after so many of his audacious questions*yes, mindless chivalry is still not dead*…I had just one query back for him…
“Ji, aap aankhon he aankhon mein baat aur sawaal nahi kar sakte…uske liye zubaan khoolne zaroore hain? Grrrrrrrrr…!”
So I told my woes to my trainer and he made me work out extra this morning on the stepper and what used to be chickeni leg pieces till yesterday are now suddenly mutton korma…
Kachoomar ban gaya yaar mere legs ka…Don’t remember when they were this wobbly last…
*err, actually I do remember now…haaaw haii
Now they seem to be pathetically pleading to me, “Nalaayak, kya isse din ke liye meine tujhe paal poos kar apne upar khada kiya tha?”
And I can’t even raise them to kick someone if they bug me too much…
So, big hearted as I am*yup, I forgot to mention everything about me is big* I am telling you that now is the time to get onto my nerves and get away with it most non violently from my end…
Warna mere kicks Bruce Lee ke kicks se kam kahan*all the puns intended!*
What the f$@#!
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT LEGS!
Or at least so I intended to!!!!!!
So why so much shor about legs you’d say?
Hellooooooo…even I know it’s just some bones straightened one on top of another…with some muscle additions thrown in…calf muscles and thigh muscles and ankles and knee cap and toes and heel and all the rest...
*arre please get impressed by my limited leggie knowledge by this much description…for beyond this I’d have to Google again and abhi mood nahi hain…Oye hoye…yaad aaya…I remember studying tendons somewhere in school too…but I’d be damned if I knew where it is actually*
Have you noticed how like everything else, legs seem to have variations too and a whole lot of fun if used, raised, lowered, positioned and manoeuvred rightly?
Whose not dreamt of being entwined in long legs that know how and where to twist, turn and settle?
*‘Yeh taang mujhe de de thaakur’ would have been so much more practicable than asking for ‘haath’…silly Gabbar…even if you were not gay!*
Possessing luscious, drool-worthy legs on your own frame or your beloved's, is a dream for every guy who has walked on this planet on whatever kind of pair provided to him!
*Of course for women, please add ‘hairless and soft’ as two more adjectives to that maintenance free dream!*
Legs can do so much for us…it’s one of the sexiest parts of our body and legs that go on and on and on, are any day better than a tongue that goes on and on in wagging*unless of course you are using it for purposes other than discoursing*
So the postures, inclines, appeal and positioning differs*yup, we are still talking about legs dear…And let’s keep those legs still out of bed! Har jagah “taang” nahi adhaane chahiye na?*
I have seen the most varied lay outs of legs in my life….
Have you ever seen legs positioned like <>?
Yes sir…a normal torso and suddenly as the body continues to diverge…it decides to form these sideways “V”s!
I have a relative in the family with such legs
*now if you are a relative and reading this…hey bhagwan…conk off this guy’s computer…and if God’s not obliged me yet…O mere rishtedaar, mujhe maaf kar do…bhagwaan ke liye, kyonki yeh technically unke he fault hain!*
So whenever I see him, I begin to wonder ke yeh chakkar kya hain?
Is there something really heavy somewhere there that his legs can’t seem to carry the weight of?
*Oye…I am looking at his belly and talking about it!
Don’t you go too deep in the story!*
He does have a good capon lined belly…it makes you marvel at how he would button and zip his trouser every day?
Pull upwards his belly manually, hold it there with one hand and use the other for adjustments before it falls and overlaps again!
Maybe the overload leads to the diversion…I fear now at the idea of him putting on more weight…imagine the <> going __
Then there are legs that are fuller below the knee than top and others that are fuller at the thighs to suddenly turn into rods!
Some men have grandmother-like bulging mass legs and others have so many hair there that the leg’s skin colour forever remains a mystery!
Some women have those ugly bumps while others are satin slippery smooth! Put them up on a stilettoe and you’d have more things than just her frame, rising! She probably even would get a standing ovation!
Legs can be used to achieve many purposes and I am not talking of taking you and your butt from one place to another!
I mean look at all those legged beauties in tinsel town who wear gowns with long slits that seem to be alluringly beckoning!
Almost like giving a peek of the passage to greater things!
*No puns intended*
No game better than watching a pretty young thing, wearing a short skirt and showing well oiled or creamed legs, tilting them sideways as she sits or spreading them by just a degree to raise the tease…one on top of another…and all the men wishing they’d be crushed somewhere in between!
Oh yaar…any wise crack that I am attempting to make here is verging into the double meaning domain!
*My dear readers…you know na, that my intensions are pure and my innocence is undoubted...wtf…nahi pata to ab maan lo!*
Chalo then pack up time…
Lemme remove this laptop from my legs…run my fingers down and point my toes in an elongated stretch and make my dearly beloved crave but I would not give in, wanting him to fret for indirectly leading to this post and saying...
Ab to ‘paon’ pakdoge tab he maanonge…;-)