Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

12 June, 2012

When Shahrukh miffed me...


In the year 1995: I was on the threshold of Standard 11th and on the verge of spilling out of my charged up frame like peas from a pod, in view of a class trip being planned for us. It was time to break the shackles of a hitherto secured life even though they were more in our heads than on our wrists or being. In a convent discipline with perpetually panic stricken and easily scandalised nuns, no out-station school trips beyond Lucknow from good old Kanpur, had ever materialized, the fears being-what if the horrendous wolves of the horny world pounced on little goslings out of St. Mary’s? Little did they know many of these goslings moonlighted as prey hunting little vixens/tigresses whenever away from the prying eyes.

So, this was a dream come true-never mind if they were taking us to one of the lesser known hills. Everyone got permission-except good old me yes, even the oil-drenched, plaited with ribbon haired, far-from-chick chick. Ironically, just then either mid-life crisis hit or my mother’s lack of action in the sack erupted in this hideous outpouring or my dear sire had a split personality attack-but Amrish Puri’s character from that year’s just released Dilwaale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge vehemently entered all his pours. Damn, I always knew he secretly wanted to be an actor, like me, but Amrish Puri, really!

Papa’s unfaltering “NO” echoed through the walls of my home and my little but massively dreamy, broken heart. “Keh diya na, bas, keh diya” was HIS original dialogue that Salman bhai later copied, tch!

I begged like Simran to let me go-a bunch of my friends came over making the cutest and saddest puppy faces with justifications like “Uncle, Suruchi ke bina hum sab bore ho jaayenge”. But not one hair vibrated in his staunch moustaches in pity. Me: Bau ji, er, papa, you would anyway get me married once I join college. Let me have this one first and last trip where I see the world? ‘the world’ here being some polluted riverside with dumped plastic wastes and ample of just Gorkhas for eye tonic during that off-season time.

Playing on the back of my mind was the fact that perhaps I meet my Raj somewhere, filling an empty bottle by the river side when my chappal accidently slips off and I gracefully scream “Bachao, bachaofor my chappal of course. And he drops off his backpack and risks his life to get it from the swiftly flowing current, looking wet and sexy, as pearls of water stream down his glistening forehead to his almost parted full lips. He hands it to me with a sneeze-the chappal again of course. And I say, “Arrey, aapko to sardi lag gaye hain....” And no, I do not do a striptease then to give him jism ki garmi, you dirty minds, I tear my duppatta and...oho, let’s get him injured and blood flowing instead to avoid technical glitches. I would apologize for the trouble with a grin that would show no sorry and he would say, “Chote, chote shehron mein aise baatein ho jaate hain Senorita”. The rest as they’d say would have been history!

Playing on the back of my father’s mind was khandaan ki izzat and jawaan beti ko akela-nahin, nahin! He probably had gauged also that considering the tharki genes in our family, it was better to keep the daughter out of temptation and mischief. So no “ja Suruchi ja, jee le apne zindagi” happening there. Oh crap!

Dear Mr Shahrukh Khan, the moral of this story is that because of you I never went to any school trip ever! For you chose to star in such a film that my parents took me to and developed unrealistic ideas along with some of her own of their daughter’s. And because of you I often speculated in the hindsight that I could have created an immortal Heer-Ranjha type of love story had I just gone out that one time and ran around some sarso ke khet  in a white suit with open tresses and undone eyebrows. Par alas, aisa ho na saka!

DDLJ spoilt a generation of girls in that era. We craved to say “Kuch kuch hota hain Rahul, tum nahi samjhoge” forever after  I know it was not from this flick-weren’t they anyhow all the same post that? Any Tom, Dick or Harry with the name Rahul, suddenly had vistas of opportunities and legs opened at his disposal.

Even I led a make-belief life after that for a long time where I imagined bumping into Mr Right at the drop of an eyelid everywhere possible:
At the library-Imagining me fall from a ladder and someone there to catch me not bothering about my weight for love at first sight would weigh him down more. Or he and I picking the same book from the opposite sides of the shelf following the smiles-ah! I know filmy, sue me!

In the trains-Getting into a wrong one and being led by a handsome stranger into an adventure of sorts-damn, there was even some mind blowing session imagined in the pantry.

In the park-When a football comes and hits my head as I wear glasses and sit there on a bench concentrating on a geeky romance novel-little did it matter in the pragmatic world that I didn’t wear glasses or ever read any romantic trash.

*Sigh, sigh!*

And then Shahrukh also gave us some unreasonable expectations in men...
1. If he did not look in your eyes and said whatever he said with as much intensity as though he was mentally orgasming as Mr S did on screen, he did not feel it.
2. If he never spread out his hands with a slightly tilted head, when he saw you coming from far even without the slow motion, he does not want you enough.
3. He may look stupid and shaggy but mouth sense.
4. If he did not talk in whispers sometimes just near your ears, he is thoroughly unromantic.
5. If he did not overact-wtf, he’s boring!
6. And when he held you in his arms, if you did not tremble like a fragile leaf hanging on a branch in the face of an overbearing lust storm-he is thanda!

And just when we started to like Shahrukh for the loyal husband that he was and good character, K Jo made his entry and suddenly we did not want a partner like that! Tch, kya Shahrukh! You made vanity a style statement and narcissism a way to be-aped by thousands of men without mettle, shakal or akal. And who had to bear the brunt-we poor women, who didn’t know whether to bang our own heads against the wall or of these jerks when the stuttered or smiled in that obnoxious way that you sometimes do.

And when I did begin to like you a bit as my angry nostrils finally relented to flare less after Swades and Chak De, you managed to wash out all teenage fantasies with films like Om Shaanti Om, Billu Barber and Rab ne Bana De Jodi.  I was back to being angry for making me go through these mind numbing tortures that would warrant years of therapy to sublime it.

And although now some seventeen years have passed by, the after effects of waiting for a Raj for the happily ever after-the wait for a Casanova to turn into a one woman man because he is enamoured by your charms, still lingers!

*Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh!*  

22 comments:

RiĆ  said...

Your post cracked me up like always...you r hilarious Suruchi! Its kinda of weird though how I always knew that there can't be a Rahul or Raj in real life. And I am saying this despite having known my husband for half my life! ;)

Kinara :) said...

Hahhahahaha !!!
Had total fun reading this one!;)

Bikramjit said...

:) he he he he h..

this reminds me you know i was the only male in my family so you know how punjabi's have to save their son's all the time .. and my dad was like that , he would allow my sis to go but not me .

but oh i love my grandpa and i miss him too, he never said no to anything so , “Keh diya na, bas, keh diya” .. dialoge worked for 5 minutes in front of me .. and i would run to grandpa.. the dialogue got changed :)
I was such a bad boy i tell you ..

but life has taught me one thing rahul-simran and the likes exist on REEL life not in REAL life ...

Good to see you back, how have you been..

no wonder i never met you on any of the trips he he he he
Bikram's

Jack said...

Suruchi,

Fantasies of a young lady sold out on romantic films and then opening eyes to realities of character changes in film world told in such a way that one wonders whether to just laugh or also wait for a movie with this theme. Ummmmmmmm Ten out of 10.

Take care

Mirage said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
*Takes a deep breath*

Wo bachao bachao wala scene...What amazing details. Uff!!! :D :D I enjoyed this post thoroughly. Paisa vasool post hai bhai.. :-)

And talking of Shahrukh's current flicks and Dard-e-discos, how could you forget CHAMMAK CHALLO? That surely tops the list. XD

Arpit Rastogi said...


tujhe dekha to ye jana sanam,
pya hota hai deewana sanam..


kyaai funny post hai.. sahi hai boss..

itna humor laate kahan se ho.. mera to chori ni kiya na.. :P

Happy Life! :)

Jenny said...

LOL, you cracked me up Suruchi! This one is totally hilarious. Cliched dialouges 'jaa jee le apni zindagi'. Seriously so many girls, tunred flimy from geeky after a watch of DDLJ.

SRK' s bakwas rabne and om shanti om, diluted my passion for him, but it is still lungering somewhere. Loved your post.

And school trip pe nahi gaye :-(((

Hope to see you here more often :-)

Anita Jeyan Sandeep said...

You voiced my thoughts! I wasnt allowed to go on college excursion either..! Even after a dozen of my friends called home and pleaded and cried ! :-( About SRK- I still looooove him ! ;-)

Sakshi said...

Su, is post ne toh toh dil ko choo liya :'(
This SRK, made us swoon, but never in real life were we really swept off our feet! SIGH!

Punam said...

Well written, Suruchi, true, movies like DDLJ spoiled the entire generation of girls including me. But contradicting Bikram here, life has taught ME that jodis like Rahul-Simran do exist. And i definitely do not want a stuttering stammering crazy hero who does nothing but run around in khet with a jacket on, for my life. A real life hero Mr. Knight even without a shining armour will certainly do.
@Bikram: who did you meet then, if not Suruchi? wifey dear?? Bolo bolo spill the beans.

Nisha said...

what about, "agar wo tumse pyaar karti hai to wo palat ke dekhegi...". Given the huge egos men have... no guy ever paltoed!!!
Interesting post.. reminded me of so many old scenes :)

Chintan said...

Reading you after a long long time Suru and you sound as fresh and fun as you were when I started. You know, I do not have guts to crack jokes when it comes to parents and you do with a charm. How do you manage that?

Dr Roshan said...

u were in 11th when DDLJ was releasing ? I was in 10th !! I was also madly in love with a girl and so DDLJ was the ideal audio cassette to play end to end along with 2 other releases of that time ( Barsaat and Akele Hum Akele Tum )... sigh. sadly my story went all ta-ta-phus :(

Keirthana said...

Loved the read! And I should accept that watching DDLJ, KKHH and other typical Sharukh stuff has had the said effects on me too :) ;)

Cheers,
Keirthana

Suruchi said...

@Ria,
You are always, always there to encourage me and almost nudge me to write-you are so amazing! And yes, the Rajs and Rahuls don’t exist but that doesn’t stop us from slipping and sliding away into little dreams, does that?:-)


@Kinara,
Thank you so much :-)


@Jack,
Wow, a movie on this theme would be nice-heroine bhi ready hain;-)
Thank you for the ten on ten:-)

Suruchi said...

@Biky,
Wow, sisters were allowed and brothers were not-yeh to ulte ganga hain. And little did they know perhaps that Biky did not need the saving, the girls did from him :-)
See I can almost imagine you as the bad boy, though in a good way :-)
Let’s hope we make more trips where we get to meet someone someday warna ek doosre ke liye hum to hain he :D


@Mirage,
I like the paisa vasool post tag-makes me feel so “connected to the masses” in a celebritish sort of way. I remembered RaOne after publishing this post but then it is so easily forget-worthy anyway!:-)


@Arpit,
Aap he se chori kiya hain-claim kar lo :p

Suruchi said...

@Jenny,
The journey from geek to cheek-yes, literally :-)
Thank you for always being around!


@Anita,
So we were in the same boat-our creativity curbed-we should have a Satyamev Jayete on this issue too some time :-)
And I kinda like Shahrukh still too!


@Sakshi,
Hahaha-rona mat baby-Pushpaaa I haaaaate tears ;-)

Suruchi said...

@Punam,
Haha, I am glad that you found real life heroes....I am not sure if Raj and Simran would have had a happily ever after in the sequel:-D
And yes, Biky, bolo bolo :p


@Nisha,
Gawsh, I forgot about the “palat”
How could I? Blasphemy for someone who professes to have reached the cores of DDLJ-I still go by the palat rule btw-not while you leave to go but even if you take a little bit of kinara to just wander for a few minutes, notice if his eyes follow you-BINGO!:-)
We are incorrigible!

Suruchi said...

@Chints,
Haha, I manage to crack jokes on my parents coz they don’t really read me and once in a while even when she does, she is too amused or scandalized to react. We then laugh it off. Most writers suffer from exaggeration. At least I do big time. And glad to see you back:-)


@Roshan,
Yup, I guess I was the slow n steady types despite the 90 percentages in grades:-)
And ta ta phus is the story of all love lives yaar-shaadi ke pehle nahi to shaadi ke baad!


@Keirthana,
Join the gang baby. Thank you for reading:-)

♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪ said...

Wow!! Your post makes so much sense!!
SRK did ruin my teenage! I was expecting a man to do every single thing you listed out subconsciously. I am so not joking.
Yes, when I could not get enough filmy drama, he stopped making movies like that. I even convinced myself for a while that Kabhi alvida na kehena also belonged to the same genre (though it wasn't dramatic enough for me) and even if it didn't, he'd get back to making the dramatic ones again. It never happened and I can never forgive him for that.

And Poor you!! You didn't get to go on that trip!! :O
How unfair is that!!

PS: I almost fell off the bed laughing at undone eyebrows!
True that!

-Harini

Bikramjit said...

@Punam :- met no one na, had i met to kaam ho jana tha na .. :) I was talking of those days when I was not allowed to go anywhere ..

Thats why wherever I went no simran for me

Live2cherish said...

reminds me of the recent song parody: sharukh wala love, hehehehe

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