Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

27 December, 2009

Screwing up the English Language again!



Being an English teacher has its pros and cons!
We’ll keep the pros for some other day...anyways you guys know of them reading about my Teacher’s Day experiences last month. How much can one speak about the adoration one receives anyways? I think it’s foolish to state the obvious! ;)
So let me concentrate on the cons now...

For one I am always checking spellings....
I think it is a mental disorder and maybe such a disease has not yet been detected (I file for copyright issues hereby, in the written!)
When a wrong spelling appears on my screen on Facebook comments or otherwise....a kind of a chill passes through my spine!
And then I have to physically hold me right palm with my left one to stop it from typing the correction in the reply. Needless to say, like our ‘bade buzurgs’ (mind you...that’s ‘buzurgs’ as in elders and not ‘burgers’ as in what we gulp down thanks to Mcdonald’s bhaiyya every weekend!) have said...ant mein jeet hamesha right ke he hote hain...So there, without much that I can do about it, I spread my pearls of wisdom to the defaulter...much to my annoyance and his smug pleasure!

With the result that I am now officially jibed at as the ‘spelling corrector’!
Sometimes I feel my friends test me in game just to ascertain if my resistance powers have been strengthened or finally cultivated!
And like I do with everything else...I just give in to temptation!

But then some cons are quite hilarious actually that need to be shared with the world...
I happen to know a very sweet lady in her early forties...
She is a darling, a complete socialite and a charmer to say the least...the most polite and magnanimous soul that you could have come across...always ready to lend a helping hand and so ready to ask you to lend her your ears for displaying her gift of gab! But, but, but...and by ‘but’ I don’t mean her ‘rear’ side baba...here I would like to give you a peek into her ‘rare’ side!
Her ability to screw up English language with her literal translations!

Statutory warning: With due respect to all those who are not so fortunate to get education at elite convent schools to be able to ramble off English like a pro...this is just in light hearted humour, which she MIGHT also enjoy...but I have no qualms in admitting that I am a ‘Phato Singh’ and wouldn’t dare to let her read this!

Let’s call her Madam X for reference’s sake!
It’s so much fun as well as a torture to converse with Madam X.
‘Fun’ because in almost every sentence she would attempt to bring in her limited knowledge of English to exhibit how “with it” she is!
And ‘torture’ because you have to press your teeth hard so that the jaw does not open in a full spirited laughter or guffaw at the horrendous errors she contrives....

Scene 1:
Madam X is angry this day because she and her dhobi are at loggerheads over some petty matter, when a poor soul walks in unaware that she would be witnessing a big bugle...
“Oh my god beta ji, you know this man is arguing and arguing and does not give down (she means give in)...I don’t know which mud he is made of (she means yeh aadmi kiss mitti ka bana hain)!

Scene 2:
Madam X is knitting...and the electricity goes off. In a hurried bid to get some light, some of the stitches from her needle slide off....
Poor Madam X...all her efforts of the last half an hour gone down the drain. How does she react?
“Oho bhabhi ji...you know what happened today...I was doing knitting (mind you...not just knitting but doing it also!) And the light went away (not to the market my dear friends...it just went, ok) and my houses were falling in the dark (she meant to say...mere sillaaye ke sab ghar udhar gaye andhere mein...phew!)

Scene 3:
Madam X has fractured her leg and is on bed rest, as well wishers pour in to find out how she is doing. A very tall visitor comes in and she tries to hug and give a peck on the cheek to the poor patient as a consolation...But obviously the restraints of space and heights come in between...
Madam X’s response with an innocent grin: “Beta ji...you would have to come down to make love to me...”
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! (She meant the girl would have to bend down to be able to embrace her lovingly)
Thank god the visitor was a girl and thank heavens she knew of her habit or else she would have fainted at the idea of a not so acceptable proposal of ‘making love’ to her aunt!

And at another time...she was expressing her well worded concern for me when she made this rejoinder:
“Beta ji, I have a feeling that you are not feeling too well?”
OMG...my feeling being felt by her...I then felt a feeling that the ‘pulse has something black’...daal mein kuch kaala hain....
OMG again...is this thing bloody infectious because I’ve begun to talk like her!



Scene 4:
Madam X’s door has got jammed and try as much with her petite frame to push it open...she fails. So she hollers to the two sturdy young nephews who live on the ground floor to come up and help her open up...the door that is!
They oblige...use their shoulders and then their legs to shove it open, till they finally succeed....
Now in lieu of their services...she had to say something....she would have said something anyways even if they had failed or some other catastrophe may have conspired. So what does she say?
“Beta ji, thank you so much for the kicks...it feels so better now that it is opened!”
Nope...she is not semi pornographic my friend...she is just graphic and brilliantly literal at it!

Scene 5:
Madam X goes to a party looking oh-so-page-3 and wanting oh so desperately to sound like one too...
She looks around like a lioness squinting here eyes incisively for a prospective prey and catches a glimpse of me...so I am the target today, huh?
I hear the prophetic words in the backdrop as though some aakashvaani blaring: “Thou shalt not laugh...though shalt not faint...thou shalt just grin and bear!”

She walks up to me, seeing me in jeans and a top for the first time, since she has generally seen me in the traditional salwaar-suit.
And what does she come out with:
“Beta ji, you are looking nice for a change!”
Oh ya aunty ji...you mean the change is looking nice on me or is this the first bloody day of my existence on this planet when I am looking nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course I didn’t say anything...I just grinned and bore!

She moved on to her next victim- the host!
“Oh my god bhabhi ji...see what your servant has done...so much water spread on the floor....
You know I was supposed to fall down here...and i saved myself from falling!” (mein shaayad yahan gir jaate aur mein girte girte bache!)
She meant she could have fallen down there...but then like the hundred other things that she supposes...she supposed this one too!

The evening concluded with the meal, as the sweet-tempered host came up to Madam X to ask if she’d take another serving of the dessert:
“Na na bhabhi ji...you know my stomach is full uptil here (she makes a line with her palm on her throat). Wow, her stomach had managed to rise up to her throat! Do we need to call the Guiness or something to inform of a new record being made here?
Boo hoo...we all could have cried for our inability to laugh at such a juncture. But then like always, we just took mental orgasmic pleasures in imagining how her hands and edges of fingers would have also been filled with food...poor soul...tch, tch...and by soul here I mean me!

Errors like these abound in everyday encounters. Although my dear friends, I don’t sit in vain pride to mock at them for each one of us is contrived of some folly. But at the end of the day...it never harms to be able to laugh at ourselves and squeeze out moments of humour that are harmless and not really at anyone’s expense. I still uphold that Madam X is a darling and the centre of attraction wherever she goes. She brings smiles on faces...knowingly or unknowingly and all adore her despite waiting every moment for her to falter...thankfully they all would be also just as willing to catch her before she falls!
Three cheers to Madam X! May she continue to screw up English language...we all are screwing it in our own right anyways!

P.S. Just to add to the screwing mode: I asked a little girl in my class to give me the female gender of a ram (a male sheep)...I was expecting her to say ewe (the female sheep)...but pat came the confident reply... “Ma’m Ram’s female would be Sita!”
Another student who insists that the abstract noun of truth would be truthness and badgers me on why make it full by calling it truthfulness? He invents words like repupulsive which means height of being repulsive...
Yet another was learning spellings when the word “jaunty” appeared...
His way of learning it....ma’m when “J” hooks up with “aunty” it becomes “jaunty”...
Phew! Would you still like to hear more?

26 comments:

Nipun said...

Hey Suruchi!

It was a nice read. There are many examples of people screwing up with the english language.

One of my favorites is - A tourist in Thailand saw this sign in a dry cleaning shop: "Drop your trousers here for best results." :P

I'm very captious when it comes to english. Even I can't resist the temptation to always correct people when they savagely crucify english.

Another quirk of mine is that I totally detest using "sms lingo". Even when I sms, I don't like typing 'you' as 'U' or there' as 'dere'. I guess, it's a mild form of OCD that I suffer from. :P

Take Care...

Nipun said...

Also, I'm very critical of myself (when it comes to english). I'm not infallible and tend to make mistakes every now and then. But, I like when people point out my mistakes. I've learned so much from my bloopers and gaffes. The biggest room in this world is the room for improvement, as it is said. So Suruchi, if you see me making a mistake, don't hesitate to point it out. I'm game! :)

suruchi said...

Hi Nipun..
So two great minds think sooooooooo much alike...and I take the greatness as being thrust upon us...remembering some lines from Shakespeare uncle...
"some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them"

U know what..I hate shortforms too...but I love using U...there's something round n open about it like arms stretched out for a hug...and I was born just for that..to hug n be hugged;)

"The biggest room in this world is the room for improvement"...
Wow..u don't need to be checked Nips...in fact it should be the other round! And let's suffer in this OCD together!

Also stop being critical of urself and ur English...it's nearing perfection:-)

Rahul Khatri said...

oho...so two English ke maharathis...flaunting their best...kya baat hai...waise meri english to itni achhi nahin...but i am critical with almost everyhing and so abt English language too, like u two he he...and am worst best at cracking pjs...but this ones not a pj...a real life incidence which we all poor students witnessed quite often, from one of our teachers at the college, and this Mr. X was no less than ur Madam X sc...he he...but just to keep this comment look like one, better i share just one of his best;):) hmm....so one day it happened so(well i doubt this was a correct usage...arre yaar sc..i need to improve after reading this, pls pls pls point out my goof ups yaar...bhai mba karna hai to will have to improve my English, and u see how pathetic it is...what i speak is simply Hinglish and no English...chalo better i stop and not make it look like a post!!)...hmm...so was saying that one day when Mr X was taking a lecture and when all were making noise, he just noticed something, outside class, in the corridor...and he said,"Please keep silence, HOD just passed away in the corridor".....ha ha ha lolz....u know what....i just cant tell u how hard it was to hold on our laughter.....but we cudnt control the giggles, they just blurted out...and ha ha ha ha...phew...sry for the interruption...hmm...but he was left all confused by our giggles and seeing us, he smiled too...and that was the cherry on the cake...phew...such moments were so very often with Mr.X sc...what do i say...

loved ur post sc....keep rocking as always!!:))

suruchi said...

Awwww DC...u are so cute...n u always manage to do this...steal my thunder from right under my pretty nose...hehe...
kidding...I always look forward to ur comments...just so that it's proved to the world that I am not the only one who can't stop when it comes to typing in replies to comments...just pulling ur sexy legs ok...is liye frown na karna;)

And the incident u've mentioned above is hilarious...
Aapke English bahut ache hain janaab...ur blogs are now witness to it...so no checking required...besides like u know I am always interested in checking out other things...besides spellings of course;)

What say Mr. X ko Mrs. X se mila de?
U rock too DC...keep rocking as my friend always:-)rocking like a rock star that is...:-)

Nipun said...

To RK: That teacher of yours not only screwed english but your HOD too. :P

Knotty Knight said...

Hey!
You write wonderfully well.. Most of your writings are humorous and fun to read. Even in serious topics your wit clearly shows through. I'm an undergrad engineering student and was wondering what made an English teacher (who writes so wonderfully well)take notice of my blog.

Keep up your good work. Nothing works like humor and a little more of it in our lives will certainly not choke us to death!

Cheers,
Rudra

p.s: I hope I avoided all typos and any other glitches.

malpani.!! said...

i liking this posting of yours so much.. that it making me to read hundreds of times and m still not over.
and this posting of yours has done so much better for my talking and speaking of engliash which you can see and look with your own eyes in this commented comment.
very nice.. keep doing it..:p

sulagna said...

hhehe suruchi..the dhobi must ahve picked up some good english by now..just like my 86 year old daadi says..oofff"my gawwd"

sulagna said...

and ohh i love this new display picture ...hotttt ekdum you looking with that colorful blouse

suruchi said...

@Nips...wow...now we have gossip in the comments section too..good good...But aren't we getting more?
Awww....but we just got started:-(
Hehe:)

P.S.Rahul...I like the sound of RK...makes u sound like Raj Kapoor n all...not bad;)

suruchi said...

Hi Rudra...
Thanks for going through my writings...
I went through yours precisely for the same reason..interesting n unusual stuff...presented in some sweet midnight rambling:-)

Nope humour won't choke us...lack of appreciation might...So let's keep at the appreciation game..;)

suruchi said...

Malpani...u are too good yaar...

U to be reading this a hundreth of times and still not finishing it...wow...you sound like in depths of it...making me wondering what I writing so good that u enjoying very much..
Yes,yes, I am looking with my own eyes alone, what a big screwing up my postings have down for yourself...I am hopping...oops
..hoping it's an temporary damageization and thats you would be ridding of it soon...

U insisted on my keeping doing it so I have doing done it...
And now I better stopping before I losing it..
Lost it already;)

suruchi said...

@Sulagna...thanks babes...
Colourful logon ke colourful pasand...hehe..sounds like a corny Pan Parag ad or something;)

It takes one hawt one to know another;)
N I don't know about the dhobi...but the rest of the people in this orbit are at a high risk of losing it soon...
Highly infectious, so stay guarded;)

suruchi said...

TO ADD TO THE MAD HUMOUR:

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by
people in various places of India.

1. A student's leave letter :
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage i cannot attend the
class...."
--------------------------------------------- 2. A candidate's application :
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist
and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past
several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
--------------------------------------------- 3. I.T.I., Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows :
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my
wife.
Please sanction me one-week leave.
--------------------------------------------- 4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows :
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I
may
not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
--------------------------------------------- 5. A leave letter to the headmaster :
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today"
--------------------------------------------- 6. An incident of a leave letter :
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
--------------------------------------------- 7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster :
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
--------------------------------------------- 8. A covering note :
"I am enclosed herewith..."
--------------------------------------------- 9. From H.A.L. Administration dept :
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave.
--------------------------------------------- 10. Actual letter written for application of leave :
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband
at home I may be granted leave".
--------------------------------------------- 11. Letter writing :
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
--------------------------------------------- 12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who
was
performing his daughter's wedding :

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

Ankur "AQIS" Narula said...

next time i meet u i want to get the name of MADAM X ....and oh btw....in USA (thats United states of America) not Under Skirt Area....they dont check the spelling at all...they go by the sentence making sense....i think it makes sense...and yes no more writing and spellings from my side cos then u will have a chance to correct me every now and often.....

Very good write up and quite intresting......(dont mind intresting ki spelling i know its wrong.....).....KEEP IT UP blog goddess

suruchi said...

Hi Ankur...
Ji bilkul...pssssst karke the name for u for sure...khaas aapke liye;)

Aur meine aapko kab check kiya yaar...u n me are ek he thaali ke chatte batte...
I never mind u...just as u never mind me;)
Besides u need a mind to mind and we both have lost that;)
Thanks...love ur "blog goddess" title;)

Sudhir Kekre said...

Hi Most hilarious read. reading reading got knots in my stomach.
now dont laugho me any more.

suruchi said...

Hey Sudhir...
Like always..great to hear a compliment from someone so deep and witty as u...
:-)smiling n smiling:-)

Niraj said...

quite tickling to the bones...nice one..and wish you a happy and prosperous new year!!

suruchi said...

Hi Niraj
Thanks...
I hope I didn't trouble the bones too much;)Waise my pleasure always:-)
Wish u a very prosperous new year too...n loads of cheer n contentment:-)

Anjali Anand said...

U are hilarious kid....I'm still rocking with laughter, you light up every1s day for sure :)
Happy 2010 !!

suruchi said...

Anjali Masi...
Thanks...
Wow...I am glowing with the compliment...wondering if it is because I light up every day's..it is love or is it dove...;)

Right now..right here...it's u...
Thank u:-)
Happy 2010 to u too!:-)

sobhit said...

ROFL... ur an english teacher??interesting.. am alwaz advcd here n der by my frnd n ppl arnd 2 write less of sms lingo..i meant linguage :P.. n more of proper complete words... but guess not easy 2gv up on bad habits... i wonder how my school english teachrs wud feel if dey cud read how i write :P.... but nvrdless cant beat ur students who go on wid j hooking up wid aunty.. hahahahhahaha must say sm creatv n really innovatv kids u teaching.. des mite end up makin d english men learn language 4m dem :P :P.... full marks 2ur blog 4m me... only am not a teachr but feels gud givin marks 2 a teachr :P :P
wid an excellent remark 2 .. cya n keep postin
n plz spare my spelling mistks n shrt hand

suruchi said...

Hey Sobhit..yup an English teacher...and yup..had to re-read ur comment twice before grasping on most of the stuff there..without fumbling;-)
Phew...!But then had an experience of checking an exam paper once in the same lingo n survived...so I guess there was no fear that just a paragraph here would kill me:-)

Thank u for the full marks...yiyyeeee...I finally got an A+...hehe...no people...not the adult certificate...u guys can continue to read this space...;)

P.S.Spelling mistakes n short hand mistakes?...huh?What spelling n short hand mistakes?;-)

Punam said...

I soo loved repupulsive, Suruchi.. and it was funny - esp the Ghars of her knitting wonder.. wow. I myself, being a copywriter, identified with your habit of spotting errors since I am also trapped in the same stupid habit.. so at times when something important is being said/discussed, I might interrupt or correct a note.. and what have I been named? Grammar Girl. :) He he..
Had fun with this one..

There is another one I wanted to share - "All us well?" "No, All is IN the well." he he

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...