Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

27 November, 2011

The Sleeping Volcano


This is what I wanted to say to a dear friend and myself... I hope it helps!

They say all that appears calm on surface has ripples below if it is not declared dead-a dormant volcano, the about-to-be-boiled tea in a pan, an electric socket that remains silent on the outside but has wires screwing each other within. We all live like colossal houses done up for the arrival of make-belief guests, cobble together to show it dandy, cover up with colourful fringes, spotlight focussed on the smiles and stacking away the unwanted and unseemly in some dark, deep alley or cellar. We stuff little nothings so tight in the wardrobe that when later we do want to sort things out, the door opens and everything tumbles down to greater disarray.

We must “appear” to be beautiful. But does that make us “feel” beautiful in the truest of sense or does that increase the pang of restlessness for all praise then becomes a mockery?

It is not easy to live a dual life and not uncomplicated to get rid of it once you acquire it thus-the constant struggle between how you are and how you want to be or what you have become and what you were. Or even in the present, you would find yourself sometimes to be two different persons-an oxymoron in a way that only you can perceive. It is when someone or some situation comes along that extracts you from a convenient environ dragging you to the risky hilt that awareness strikes in-it was a stagnant pond which you might have been impersonating.And then the mind fucking game begins of wanting to know which part of you is real and which you have fashioned to please those around you. You are made to mould in a certain way because that is how you are expected to behave whereas your contours refuse to take just about any shape.

You begin to churn within to meet you-battling to and fro between two extremes that somehow got created and the chasm therein sucking you so deep, that each endeavour made for a rising swings between the feelings of either ecstatic joy of a drug induced roller coaster emotional rush or just abysmal low of being painfully weary and drab.

You rummage around for answers, you spend time talking to what you think is you, you ask those who know you, you test yourself time and again hoping that where you stand at the end of the experiment would be the logically derived conclusion. But life isn’t all science and even all science does not have all answers. Some searches manifest themselves into invisible circles. You keep turning and tossing in your head as the jarring bafflement creates the cacophony that gets termed as your life.

And then there are days when the head gives you no answer so that you come to the conclusion-It is all in the head. You have no feelings or lack of it per se, it is the head that tells you and you could/should tell it back what you want to hear from it. But then again it is not the head that has the sense or ability to do it, for it is seldom used by the owner. It is the influences that fan its insecurities and harbour all irrationality.

And as if that damage does not suffice, ego comes in and strikes the death knell. What “I” think is right becomes supreme and care-a-damn sets in. What I want consumes what I need! All love is self-love, all actions are perpetrated to this very aim, and all feelings culminate in this sea that devours it all. We want us to be happy but we want us to also not to appear selfish-how ironical! Most of us live our lives in trying to strike a balance between the two and hence be trapped in the see-saw of emotions.

Often we continue to fight against arguments that are not in line with our own chain of thoughts or feelings. We seldom stop to evaluate what caused the resurgence of these thoughts in the first place. Are they really mine or did I gather them from people whom I think are mine along the route? And now that I have imbibed them so rigidly, are they worth creating a ruckus about? We would never know who/what is right and who/what is not!

One man’s heaven is another man’s hell. Then why not live freely off shackles of guilt? Why let little termites of doubt eat you? Why not do that which gives you pleasure, irrespective of how many accusing fingers stand against you? Let ‘you’ be that where ‘you’ is happiest. The ultimate decision to be taken is to please others or to please myself-and there will always be a contradiction in both these polarities. You cannot do both no matter how Herculean your attempt or how noble your intentions.


So then how do we know who we are? What is our purpose? Whom should we please? I am known by the relations that move along with me, but they are not me. I am needed by the services I render, but that again cannot define me. I am my interests and my likes, but they are transient and ebb and flow over, yet I remain.

So if I go on this struggle of finding myself, am I being too selfish, too philosophical, too foolish? Am I going against the intrinsic fabric of human nature to accept what we get and live in it to our very best? I am burning within to break my limitations but then my limits end there where some else’s intolerance begins. I want to find me and ask it what it really wants and who it really is. I want to be able to then not question my own actions or have to think over my own decisions for I would know me beyond my name.

Right now, I know someone who knows little but then the journey has just begun and I must not fear and I must not run. I must accept all facets and neither curb one or encourage the other. I must remember it has to be fun. I must learn to fight so that I do not lose me in the crowd. I must survive. I must understand my needs and confront the doubts. I must not give in or give up and must not imbibe or disperse. I should not flow along and yet go with the flow....

And in case you find her before I do, would you please help introduce me to me?

46 comments:

maithili said...

A deep and retrospective post this was.. The truth is that we have molded ourselves into what our parents and society wants out of us yet it is upto us how we WANT and WHAT we want.. The best way to survive is to live like water.. Take up the shape of what you are put into but keep your individuality intact..
Like you said- relations you have and services you render is not you, just like the water is not the glass it has been put into!
Tough situations and tough questions arise, but only if we stop searching and look within we have the answers :)

Tch, bahut philosophical ho gaya :P

nil said...

^Agreed completely. Echoed thoughts of mine, I say!
Loved the post... something that hits us as revelations at some point of time, but many of us- little humans- have made denial a luxury it seems :)

Also, where have you been? Haven't seen u on my page in eons :(

pygmalion said...

indoctrinations!!! and the made up us..
some atleast realise the volcano ..others take the masks for granted..

well written suruchi and its indeed real that we dont require anyone for our emotional survival.. thought provoking and deep.. savouring it..

Purba said...

We all don social masks for the sake of our friends, family, colleagues..We seem rather confident in them, in our ability to communicate and conceal that which we want on display and that which we wish was not.

And may I add what a beautiful, reflective post this is.

Ashutosh said...

Awesomazing post :)

We all where mask and its necessary too otherwise if we all say and do wat we feel..world will become hell so pretending is necessary for others..
what is important to realise that we should always be true to ourselves..

Lastly tell ur friend that only two kind of people can do wat they want without thinking of others
1 Rebellions
2 Dead

and both will make life impossible :)

Vinod Vyas said...

Thought provoking post.

Human pysche is complex.Our mind constantly works on sub conscious level generating sense of right and wrong.What all we see/read/hear creates an impression on our mind which needs to be assessed by our conscious mind and should be classified as useful/useless or right/wrong.If left unanswered this impressions remain in subconscious state and create confusions later.

Every person has different perceptions of right and wrong.One has to develop a program in our mind which instantly gives judgement of right/wrong.That program needs to updated regularly.

Yes it is true that every person lives dual life.I believe that our body has some safety mechanism which shields us from pains,not only physical but also mental and emotional.Dual personality may be a bodily mechanism to reduce pain and compensate the quota of happiness which is essential to survive.

Finally i can say only one thing simple funda of life is "keep it simple" Do what makes u happy and dont think tooooo much.

Lets not forget that we humans are lonely,there are billions of planet out there in universe but not a single human or life form on any of them,y we here is a question that human kind has been trying to find answer right from the beginning of life

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

Moved me... I will not say I am as experienced...but then, life has thrown too many things at one time and I have started the dual life as you said...Sometimes I wonder, who I used to be and who I am now. The drastic difference is scary... I don't know how to bridge the huge gap...as knowing the truth itself makes me feel guilty... I am rereading your post...it has somehow calmed me down. :* :*

Love it, Suruchi... :D

Red Handed said...

"Often we continue to fight against arguments that are not in line with our own chain of thoughts or feelings. "

I cannot help but say yes to the above line.
A very deep post!

Jack said...

Suruchi,

Very philosophical and thought provoking post. It is true that almost all of us lead dual life. We project ourselves as what we feel is acceptable to the world. That at times leads to inner struggle as what we want to do but what we do for sake of our image are in total contrast. And mind you, it is not difficult to be what you really are. Why put on a charade? Let others accept you as you are.

Take care

SuKupedia :) :) said...

In my opinion its all about the acceptance game..we see someone else is accepted & as humans we immediately want to wear that image and be accepted.. and as u said in sometime the fight between the real self and mask begins..unless u change your inside instead of wearing the mask the fight continues...and that too if at all you want to change ..if you think u would want to walk the other road only then..it is better not to let someone else dictate the change..Choice of will is what we say..

a thought provoking note Suruchi ..

Bikramjit said...

but are we not doing the same thing all of us .. we all have this mask and we are different people for different situations ..

Its hard to be one in todays world.. and wow you made me think tooo Good of you .. my empty rusted mind does need something to think about ..

THe real you is i guess only visitble to a selected few who know you all the way .. I do hope that i get to know the Real you :)
I try to be what i am all the time
Take care suruchi

Bikram's

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Wonderful post, seriously fabulous (and so much more, but I am rendered inarticulate by the presence of the minibeasts), must share it with a friend or two.

Vinod Vyas said...

Let me introduce to someone who is lethal combo of beauty and brains.She can make u cry,smile ,laugh,wonder,ponder,tickle and whatever feelings one can feel.She can make u feel what a mother can go thru at the same time she can also help u to visualize a seductress seeking attention.
Meet yourself,Suruchi!!!!!

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

The last line of the post is something that I feel like screaming out to the sky somedays.
I think getting to know who you are is a lifelong process. It is transient, there is no fixed answer. Life has twists and turns, situations change, and we change too.
"I should not flow along and yet go with the flow" - I love that sentence.

Jenny said...

There were times, when I used to behave like those, who were easliy accepted and liked by friends/family.
I wanted to be liked and thought good about.. but then it really doensot work that way, does it!..
People do end up hurting you..and then you are like, 'what went wrong??' You learn the hard way

If you are mature enough and not egoistic..
you would learn and most importantly realise that anything fake even if it works, deep down it is not real..

Also, your real friends and family members can really influence you a lot here...
For me, I got my ground reality check from a close family member..
Now, I try to be original as much as possible!!

"Let ‘you’ be that where ‘you’ is happiest." I love this line and this para!!
I want to be happy, but at what cost..??
But at the same time, I just have one life, what the hell, am going to do it my way!

You have bought out a thought which resides in everyone, so common but still so so uncommon.. Loved it so much Suruchi!!!

TheBluntBlogger said...

Suru....proud of you for this post <3<3<3

Gyanban said...

The statement of truth does not change by the number of people following it.

Good read.
Chhers
GB

Alka Gurha said...

I am guessing that Chintan's post led you to this one...ButI am glad it did, for we discovered a profound thought provoking Suru who can make us smile and also make us think with equal felicity.

Fatima said...

This was a very thought provoking post but then it was something that was so very different than your usual write ups...this one was deep the kind that makes you wanna think!

Guess not always does change come to us when we wish for it, it comes at the most unexpected time when we never expected it and turns the whole world upside down!

And well, you know her just look beneath..I'll find mine just like you'll find yours :)

Good Read!
Been here after long right..but then now free from exams for a while :)

Take Care

Gargi Gupta said...

Another nice post...Yes, we should stay who we are and not let anything affect out choices...Love yourself before you expect others to love you- I read that somewhere and your post says it all :)

jo said...

Wow! That was deep.
You practically summed up everything I've been spilling my brains over for quite some years now.
According to Freud, this constant struggle between our conscious and subconscious, between reality and pleasure is the root of all conflicts.
You're right. Finding oneself in this universe of chaos is the greatest challenge. Being sure that its really you, is another one.
I should not flow along and yet go with the flow, that's what I'm taking with me. :)

Arpit Rastogi said...

Is this deep?
I mean i can dive right in & can't find the way out from your thoughts..

Amazing post.. Its like Suruchi Calling Suruchi! :) :)

Smile Please. :)

siddhartha said...

Brilliant ... simply brilliant !!!

Sairam said...

Hey!
I had not seen this philosophical side of yours! Sign me up if you publish a self help book :-)

Let ‘you’ be that where ‘you’ is happiest. - a good mantra. But so damn difficult to follow.

Keep searching.

Shreya said...

Your post reminded me of Heisenberg's duality principle
position and momentum of an electron can never be found exactly together. To find one correctly you have to let go of the other.

We suffer from similar duality everyday to find the real one you have to let go off the mask and to know the mask you have to let go off the real. Together both "I" cannot stay at one place. :)

Neither of them is false.When your eyes turn into window you just have to know the balance to close and open your eyes , you cannot enjoy outside and inside together at same time.
Being happy cannot be selfishness where you look out for happiness can be. :)
Hope i made some sense to you. :)

Suruchi said...

@Maiths,
Easier said than done na, Maithili:-)
And no matter how much we look within, some glasses remain frosted and the picture does not really clear...you are right when you say we should be like water...but then we must not evaporate and condense like it too!
Kabhi kabhi philosophical bhi hona chahiye-health ki liye acha hota hain!:-)


@Nil,
Thanks Nil...and yes, ou said it beautifully-we have made denial a luxury.
So sorry for not being on your page-though you know I love reading you!
You are the most mature and sensible of the younger lot in the blogosphere:-)

Suruchi said...

@Pygmalion,
How can we take the masks for granted when they gnaw the very face that they envelope?
And yes, I am glad you agree-emotional survival is the easiest and the toughest in many situations. Thank you:-)


@Purba,
I guess social networking and blogging contributes to the masks-most of us become adventurous/philosophical/fun here that we may not enjoy in real life!
Thank you so much for liking this-your opinion always matters:-)

Suruchi said...

@Ashutosh,
I loved the “awesomazing”
Thank you for the appreciation and my introduction to a brilliant new word-now would look for ways of using it:-)

It is not important to say whatever we feel-but it is important to feel whatever we say:-)
And sometimes rebellions and the dead are two sides of the coin-you can’t help but be one of them!



@Red,
Thank you and yes, we seldom like that from others which we don’t like ourselves:-)

A guilty conscience said...

after reading this post only one line comes to my mind for this unending struggle , these lines are from movie DASVIDANIYA

"If god had given you a lime...make a limejuice of it, why waste that lime also while wondering about the mango shake"

Suruchi said...

@Vinod,
You said it so beautifully and I am glad I provoked such thoughts:-)
Why does the sub conscious sometimes become stronger than the conscious? And do we really have the time to classify all our emotions? You said it right-we need to update our programs but then I always find it hard to determine the judging between the right and the wrong...I guess with time and experience I would.

Though it did sink in what you say-
“Dual personality may be a bodily mechanism to reduce pain and compensate the quota of happiness which is essential to survive.”
Makes one realize it is perhaps not such a bad thing after all:-)
And yes, I will try to keep it simple or simply not think too much:)

Thank you also for introducing me to me:-)
I am soooooooooooooooo overwhelmed by all that you said...I don’t think anyone sees me in that light so you made my day!

Suruchi said...

@MSM,
Thank you so much. You say the post calmed you down-it is amazing because venting it all had a similar effect on me-addressing the cobwebs is essential sometimes. And I guess with responsibilities come the duality-the wanting to be one thing and made to be another. And also maybe we go about bridging the gaps naturally-it is when something overlaps too strongly that the voids become apparent. I hope you never have to struggle through thus-NEVER:-)


@Jack,
It is not that we put up a charade-it is sometimes happening on its own. We behave differently with different people, not realizing it till it becomes a habit. It is not that I am pretending to be someone else. I view it as maybe my potential to be someone other than this that I get to explore. However, when a tugging comes from both ends, the strain becomes evident:-)

Suruchi said...

@SuKupedia,
My god, you brought a whole new dimension to my thoughts-thank you.
I guess we do ape-sometimes we ape ourselves because we like the way we are in a particular time and want to see it again and again. Sometimes others-but then when we want to merge them and realize that it is difficult-we end up in a plethora of glum emotions.
Influences effect you like little termites that become evident only when it is too late!:-)


@Chandana,
I could so relate to the feeling of wanting to scream to the sky-I want that so many times-just scream! I also loved the line of not flowing along and yet go with the flow...wished to create more such liners par kuch aaya nahi:-)
Thank you!

Suruchi said...

@Biky,
Then it is not an individual thing you say-we as a race and as in a time phase suffer through it? That makes the bearing of it a bit easier.
I don’t know the real me either Biky-I am all fun here but in real life, there are moments when I find it difficult to smile, difficult to move further...so I really don’t know:-)


@WWW,
Thank you so much-whenever I see your presence here, it is an indication that you liked my post-you needn’t say anything more:-)

Suruchi said...

@Jenny,
Thank you Jenny and I am so glad that you are commenting...makes me more connected with you:-)

It is not the matter of being fake per se-just that may be living in two different worlds or with two different personalities. Not again the case of split personality but then being different to such an extent that you begin questioning and wanting both situations to merge. I guess when life throws hardships at you-you find some escape routes, where you tread in a different way. But then you realise that you have to walk on both the paths and the pulling begins-I don’t know if I am making any sense here:-)


@Gyanban,
Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

@TBB,
Thank you Chints...maybe your introspection brought out my own skeletons from the closet, that have made appearances before on this blog but I often hush them down:-)
Super proud of you too!


@Alks,
Thank you. Chintan’s post may have been in the subconscious but I was writing this one in bits and parts from a few weeks. Almost thought of not putting it up-sent it to a couple of dear bloggers and when they said it made sense, the post saw daylight:-)

Suruchi said...

@Fatima,
Thank you and you said it right...the change comes at the most uncalled for time, when you are already struggling-adding to your woes.
I take that line from you for it reflects on the situation beautifully:-)
And you are welcome and loved any time you come here!


@Gargi,
Love ourselves comes easy, it is sometimes more difficult to think beyond ourselves! Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

@Arpit,
Haha...Suruchi calling Suruchi, eh?
Upar se nikal gaya na-mere bhi nikal gaya tha partly...so I had to call in some friends and ask if they made sense of it before putting this up.
I guess I sleep walked and wrote it
Smiling big time now:-))))))


@Siddhartha,
Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sairam,
I know your views about “self help” books ji-I don’t brush through your posts but actually read and take them. So I would like you here as it is:-)
And yes, it does not seem the search would end! Sigh!


@Jo,
Thank you so much-and I guess we all are spilling our brains and yet going round in circles! One little puzzle is solved and another bigger one awaits to baffle!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Shreya,
I loved the line: Together both “I” cannot stay at one place...but then can they house within a body and make appearances one at a time?
Also loved the expression on not being able to enjoy the outside and inside together-wow!
Also again –being happy cannot be selfishness where you look out for happiness can be..my god woman, you answered me almost like a preacher before me holding my finger and leading on.
Yes, you made beautiful sense-making me want to read up on Heisenberg’s duality principle:-)


@A guilty conscience,
Haha...that’s quite a line. Would remember that for a while, though I missed the movie-thank you:-)

☆ Rià ღ said...

A real thought provoking post...made me think and so deep...wow!! suruchi u shud write this post often.

kalpak n. said...

Brilliantly worded Su. In between i slowly started readin this post aloud, as if sayin these things in a self motivation lecture.

You know, i'd read somewhere once, there are 3 facets to every personality. 1) How you see yourself 2) How others see yourself 3) How you actually are. Now i dont remember much about that whole study, but i believe people can be happy and complete when their 2 equals 3. and that is only possible when they start caring a fuck about 1.

im really impressed to see this side of ur writing su. keep it up :)

mgeek said...

You know, this evening I had a random thought, whether being a perennial traveller was the perfect way to live this life... With no space in baggage for sorrow and regret... With the only road that leads ahead... And new adventures waiting in the wings. And then I read this post and I feel, in a way, we all are travellers, aren't we? Only the journey is not to reach a destination, the journey is to find yourself. Love your writings. Will keep coming back!

mgeek said...

Following you on blogger now ;-)

Anonymous said...

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sobhit said...

yeh toh sabki life story hai aaj kal yar.. specially d ppl like n arnd me... too many confusion n stagnation in all forms f life.. d fears n anxieties.. dnt evn ask.. like dey say,, fati padi hai, baji padi hai... :P

PeeVee™ said...

Philosophy sits well on you elegant shoulders:)

Conditioning. That's all that makes us be this way. That's what dictates our actions, the way we think, the way we behave.

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