Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

07 October, 2011

The Facebook Suitors


Facebook has become the next big thing since a long-ish time and is refusing to budge from its pedestal of enjoying unanimous universal popularity. Waise who am I to say, I practically live there every day! So much that I am in serious consideration of changing my address on my visiting card to:
                             Suruchi Arora, 
                             420, Profile Lane, Home Nagar,
                             Facebook. 
                             Meeting hours: Immediately after status update.
                             (Please come only with prior appointment written on the wall              
                             and at your risk)
                             P.S. Kindly do not bring pokes and phraands request along.

It is also like the best hook up joint of sorts one could ever deem of, taking over much of the job done by hitherto coffee shops, bars, eating joints, libraries, etc, which come in action per se after an internet setting is reached. It is interesting to see how an entirely new species of Facebook suitors has evolved and is flourishing. Here are a few whom I have come across or heard of although there was no friendship swayamvar that I remember to have announced despite my short term memory loss syndrome.

THE COMMON FRIEND FINDER:
This is a popular specie. He thinks this way: we have 28 friends in common so we deserve to bump into each other on the thoroughfares of Facebook, never mind if you don’t know or care whether he exists or what the other friends perceive him to be. He would send a random friend’s request hoping praying on his knees to be accepted thinking it is polite courtesy to honour friends of friends or simply do so in the baffled state of mind that maybe you do know him since many whom you know, know him and thereby he might become known to you, his knowingly but your unknowingly.

THE HI (high-haye haye) MAN:
Alright I don’t know how his presumptuous mind works but he seems to think a “Hi” in the inbox would suffice to generate an enthusiastic response from the girl/lady in question. And if not, then the next message of “How are you?” would definitely get her to vomit her heart out of how she is.

THE WELL-WISHER:
Somehow there is this person who has managed to enter the coveted friends list and now how does he make sure he stays there forever-he sends you a “Good morning”, a “Good afternoon”, “ Hey, it’s evening ya, thank you for reminding otherwise I would have never known have a nice one” and then “Good night, sweet dreams.” Wow, ain’t that cute now! My very own personal wishing machine that makes me jump to check my notifications only to end up with the feeling that I am crossing a lobby of waiters at a popular hotel.

THE YOU’LL FIND ME EVERYWHERE-ER:
You update a status and he “likes” it, you do a dumb quiz that says you were a peacock in your previous birth and he clicks on the thumb again. Heck, you wish a common friend “Happy Birthday” which a zillion others are anyways doing, but no, he likes it how you mouth text these two simple words. You put up a long post that took you an hour to read and understand but he would take just one second to “Like” it. How likeable is that!

THE I-AM-NEVER-SHORT-OF-A-GOOD-WORD-FOR-YOU:
The previously mentioned variety can also metamorphose into this one if he has a reasonable gift of gab or a relatively long experience of saying stuff to girls which he thinks and often they too that they like. So you have flattering comments on your pictures, a random note in the inbox that says how pretty you are or how he is waiting from so long to hear from you or you remind him of his girl whom he broke up with. Such people are born with the understanding that all women like to be complimented and by default they lack the complicated system that can sieve through the genuine praises from the for-the-sake-of ones.

 THE TOUCHY BAG:
“Hi, loved your blog. Can we be friends?” Yes, just this much. Or they’d say they’ve been reading my blog and love it and then put up the million dollar question, while I go with a magnifying glass to check out if they have ever left a comment-naah, never. Yet they say they were touched-I am even afraid to ask back ‘Where?’

THE IN-BOX-ER:
Nope, he does not come with gloves, but with a veil. This breed would always have something to say about what you do-a status update, a blog post, a recent activity, pictures uploaded-but yeh janaab thode sharmile hain. He would not comment on the open-for-all domains which are for the common retards as they might believe. He is the inboxing man-a little private you see. His justification, “I don’t want the world to see how I feel, it is just between you and me.” Awwwwww.....how convenient how different!

THE STORY TELLER:
This one is a master of words-he would pen down a three page personal mail in your inbox that may vary in content on the following lines:
1. It could be his analysis of your face reading and thereby what kind of a person he thinks you are and such an elucidation that even your blood related parents would have not thought so highly of you, even in their proudest moments.
2. He may enumerate a summary of you based on your sun sign/birth date/blog updates and such high acclaim that you might be forced to go up to the mirror and tell yourself how you are god's gift to mankind.
3. Expect a very gratitude dipped note on how a particular post you wrote changed his life oh god, such requests should come with a handkerchief free-sniff, sniff and after a couple of more such notes, the fraands request would follow.
4. Keep your shoulders ready for him to lean on for he would shoot a very sob story about his life and how he does not want pity he demands it.
5. And if you are very lucky, there just might be a long ode with actual rhymes in the line ends, written in your praise like no Milton or Eliot could ever fathom. 

THE HITTING-ARROWS-IN-THE-DARK FAKERS: 
I remember receiving two strange inbox messages- "Are you the Suruchi Arora of SMC batch of 1986 because you surely look like her-the same features and the same smile..blah, blah?" and then the same fraands request at the end of it all. They were so convincing that they almost made me walk up to my mom and ask if mere ten years older koi twin sister to nahi hue the who got bichodoed in the SMC ka mela!
THE ATTACHMENT FREAK:
Nopes, this is not a person who is looking for attachments or is he not really or gets clingy like a leech-this is a person who can’t help click on to all the applications to send you flowers/hearts/smiley/chocolates/teddies/stars/positive thoughts/a yatch in the Mediterranean/naughty notes and the likes. Makes you wish for once that Fb charged at least for some services. Free mein everyone’s become Bill Gates ke chacha and Danveer Karan ke kalyug ki avtaar.



That’s about it for now but don’t think you have seen them all my friends-
The woods are lovely dark and deep
And such suitors have promises to keep,
And miles to go before they sleep not with you however they may wish
And miles to go before they sleep however you may plead!

51 comments:

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

hahaha... Suruchi your posts just get better and better (and funnier)!!!
You know I kind of got used to the first category by now... but the Hi-man and the well-wisher (awesome names btw!) is something I just dont get!!! I mean are we supposed to swoon and get swept off out feet by a measly 'hi'? Yeah right!
And the 'you'll find me everywhere' - they go about 'liking' everything in their path! The touchy bag - how did come up with these names.. lol! Loved this post!

Prateek Sur said...

All these are so very true jst the fact that they are vice versa as well..I have faced gals come out wit starting lines like,"I sent u a friend request and I am pretty unsure as to how we know each other but I would really wanna know u..Hope u like making friends!!"..Now wat do u answer to that..Obviously I luv making friends but U r unknown to me..U r sending a request and r telling me that we dont know each other..Gawd..thats a revelation..he he he..!!

www.headacheandtension.blogspot.com

Shreya said...

These are the species which keep me away from social networking sites. I always wondered how people come up so easily saying "can we be fraaannddss??". lol :)

Spaceman Spiff said...

You know which song suits FB the best? 'I hate you (like I love you), I hate you (like I love you love you you!)'. Everyone hates it, complains about it, but still spends more time on it than in the real world. But all said and done, if not for FB, what else would we gripe about, eh? :P
Like a status msg I had updated a few weeks back (On FB, where else?)-"Long live FB, for it gives us enough fodder to write about."

P.S:- I quit FB a week back, but still can't stop talking about it! :/

Sakshi said...

Seems like people have been troubling you on FB!
But yup, you have just so so so many of these freaks out there that it is hard to imagine what can one really do about them, except to ignore these nice people!

Very observant post I must say :)

TheBluntBlogger said...

Darn! I have a HI man in my friend list and I have a LIKE man too! To top it all, I have a close friend who deliberately disgraces me :'(

And there is this one assholiness man who thinks I inspire him >:<

Super Fuckery!

Loved the post and that knowingly, unknowingly bit, got me kanfoozed :D


#_#
1955-2011

Sadiya Merchant said...

hehe dis was fun!
n havn u had another category of ppl who fake an acquaintance? like-msg dat sez OMG! suruchi is dat really you? hows mummy papa. everyone at home misses u soooo much! cant belv id meet u here of all places. hope to keep in touch+ free frn request

wen d truth is u don even kno dat person, or breathed in d same continent as him n hes obviously chanc maaroing :o

Scribbling Gal said...

OMG you described it all so well...I guess I have met all the variety :|
Aur wo hi wale baaap re :D

You made me feel fine in a bad mood...thanks babe :)

A said...

Haha :))) There is one more kind. Your post reminds me of something. Oh my god.

I use Facebook only to share pictures and if I do anything other than that....I get into trouble.

So you can add one more kind :- Photo Users

Alka Gurha said...

I am fed up with the hi and well wisher kinds...Funnily enough this guy doesnt even get tired of all the Good Mornings...
But FB has provided a great platform for like minded people to connect.

Suruchi said...

@Chandana,
Thank you, that was such a relief to read as the first comment here:-)
Like they say one woman’s measly ‘hi’ is another man’s superhumanly effort;-)
And those names-ah, I have a penchant for names-there was a time when I wanted to start my very own orphanage because I wanted to keep names of kids...yes, I am weird sometimes, but it is only in passing:-)

Suruchi said...

@Prateek,
Haha...a boy being troubled by girls-what can I say, lucky you!
When they say they are not sure how they know you-say yeh pichle janam ka rishta hain...I was supposed to screw you then but could not. Let’s try it in this birth;-)


@Shreya,
Arre, ek fish kharab hain to matlab yeh thode ki poora pond ganda hain! Waah, waah...thank you, thank you!
Baby, social networking is not bad, networking through cheesy lines is-avoid the cheese but don’t stay away from the butter;-)

Suruchi said...

@Spaceman Spiff,
I don’t hate FB at all! It is THE best thing to happen to mankind after clothes;-)
We did you quit Fb? The world needs its daily dose of entertainment and the blogs cannot suffice to satiate such a great hunger:-)


@Sakshi,
People have been troubling me as in not that I get 1000 requests everyday but in two years on this space, abhi 15-20 dozen to aa he gaye honge and hence the outburst:-)
The repeated, professional acts of these “very nice people” makes one observant!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Chints,
Oye hoye-that must be one illustrated list:-)
Haha...I loved the expressions of assholiness and super fuckery-only you can say these words and sound so sophisticated when doing so;-)
Instead of us inspiring them, what do they know that they inspire us and that too in the worst of ways...phew!
And that knowingly unknowingly part is meant to be kanfoozing to go with those characteristic duffers:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sadiya,
Wadiya shadiya dp hain ji:-)
Ah-THE FAKERS...that reminds me of two strange inbox message I received once too- “Are you the Suruchi Arora of MHS batch of 1986 because you surely look like her-the same features and the same smile?” and the same fraaands request at the end of it all....hehe:-)

They are so convincing that they almost make me walk up to my mom and ask ke mere ten years older koi twin sister to nahi hue the who got bichodoed from us in MHS ka mela...Lol:-)
P.S You made me think of this, now lemme add it to the list-thank you!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Alks,
These are tiredless souls...in fact if they were homophones and we could substitute soles for souls-they would be grabbed instantly by Reebok, Adidas and the likes for making tiredless shoes-offoooo such a bad joke-I am raising the bar of my own PJ’s:-)

Suruchi said...

@Scribbling Gal,
Yeh saare variety itne wide spread kyon hain? And happy that the post cheered you up-stay smiling:-)


@A,
I am soooooooooooooooo curious to know what trouble you got yourself into...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm:-) And photo users to theek hain, but photo daalne waale ko kisse ko propose-shopose bhi to karna padega as in like a mini-stalking bid...woh aapke bas ki baat to nahi hain:-)

☆ Rià ღ said...

Too good u r at writing these posts...in fact i was wondering how come u hadn't written a post on this as yet. ;) Loved it as always!! Well i have come across most of them, to say the least.

Red Handed said...

gahahahahaha...I have atleast one of each kind on my Facebook. Seriously! The there are seniors from college who dont have the guts to talk to me in college, so poke me and inbox me. Argghhh!!
Awesome Post as always!!!!! Btw i love the red hearts on the background of ur blog :D

Bikramjit said...

wowo .. long list .. makes me wonder what category do i fall in ..
Chalo aap hi bataiye mere ko kis list main dala hai aapne ..

bolo bolo

Bikram's

Kofykat said...

ROfl. I completely agree with everyone. and haven't we all come across such creepy crawlies. Nice post.

sobhit said...

interesting take on our virtual lives.. am pretty sure all d scenaios u mentioned r a plight f many a girls.. u knw i wont write here much.. but drop u a link f a blog.. have a look at dos screen shots f FB chats n den lemme know if dat matches d standards set by ur suitors :P :P

alil background check.. dis females in d concerned chat is from my school .. an extrmly shy n lame grl who wud not talk 2 no1.. al f a sudden here on FB she goes on 2 add evry1 n haunt ppl wid her "HI" "HI" "HI" "HI".. having sufferd her bombardmnt of hi's n hellos myself.. i can surely fit her in ur HI MAN category... it took dis frnd f mine 2 finally get dis female stop bugging all f us n so much dat she deleted her profile only.. some say poor girl.. but wot we had 2 suffer ws no less either.. wid d constant hi hi hi hi.. hello helo helo helo..

njy d link.. n do read part 1 before part 2

http://perplexing-thoughts.blogspot.com/2011/09/more-dumbness-and-lot-more-free-time.html

PS i hope am not featuring in any f des suitors f urs.. kahi aap mujhe bhi idhar fit kardo.. aisa ho toh bata dena yar.. i rather be lost den fit in here..

Arpit Rastogi said...

Ha ha! :D
You just wrote a research paper on FB friend requests!
And it was funny to find meself in few of the kinds you describe! :P

Enjoyed reading it! ;)

PeeVee said...

I had a guy send me a pm asking me to add him. When I asked him why I should he said he wants to see my photos. I asked him for what. He said he wanted to know if I'm pretty or not. Now, he holds the distinction of being the first ever person I blocked.

What category does he come under?:P

So many frands we have on FB, no? Makes life interesting:D

Droopy Rose said...

Awwww Suruchi, You almost covered up all the categories of random wannabes on fb....I came across all of them trust me... hilarious read :P

Vyankatesh said...

Funny and interesting!!

Rahul Bhatia said...

Like every coin has two sides FB too is no different! A nice write up

Vinati said...

Hahahahha....so true! :D

I once got a friend request and a message from random somebody saying 'I miss you' and please mind, I had never heard of him, never talked to him, never met him. :P

shooting star said...

another good post!!
you have written so well what we all feel and face in FB....
even married status(in my case) does not deter some "determined" suitors!!

http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.com

Sovina said...

where do you get all these crazily amazing ideas for awesome posts ??? :)) ...when i was reading this, i could think of a person for almost each of the category...the touchy bag and the you will find me everywhere are oh so annoying...and, well there are those who updates their status every minute (and I mean literally) from what they wear, to where they go to how many times they poop..ah! those are super annoying..thank god for facebook's "hide all posts" feature...:))

have a great weekend, sweets...:))

Suruchi said...

@Ria,
My god, and here I was thinking I was THE only god’s gift to facebook;-)
Like I say-all of us go through such experiences, I just happen to voice them concentrating on the ridiculous:-)
Thanks a ton for always being there and for the awesome mention on your blog of me:-)

Suruchi said...

@Red,
Haha...exactly-what we couldn’t do in college or tuitions or workplace, we think we can do on the humble abode of facebook!
Poking here is so much easier than attempting to open the mouth before a girl!
Thanks gurl and those hearts-well, they keep coming n going:-)

Suruchi said...

@Biky,
Arre yeh normal/nice/cute/appealing facebookers ki liye nahi hain-in short aap kisse category mein nahi aate-waise to come in some category you would have to be a suitor first...
Boo hoo...koi acha banda “suit” he nahi karta:(


@Kofykat,
Thank you so much:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sobhit,
Awwww...poor girl!
Actually I would say awwww for the poor guy who act like this also but the fact is that most guys do such stuff for they want to get into the pants of someone while for the girls, it is more a matter of seeking appreciation or admiration...

Will check out the blog you mentioned and then comment more:-)
And you don’t fit here at all...you are like me cute buddy who stands by me always:-)

Suruchi said...

@Arpit,
I know right! So much research work I do for the world to be saved and never do I get any credit or monetary gains...
And you found yourself here in the categories? I don’t think so as you don’t seem any of these kinds but then if you insist, that’s great:-)


@PeeVee,
My god, the nerve of some of them and lol, sometimes a block is all we have for blockheads:-)
He comes under the PERVERT-FOR-LIFE category:-)

Suruchi said...

@Droopy Rose,
I am sure you would have come across these and more-pretty girls are the worst hit...I’d say occupation hazards of being beautiful and sensible:-)


@Vyankatesh and Rahul,
Thank you


@Vinati,
Haha...he probably missed...omg, I don’t know what to say here!
Such Dodos let lose on Fb, na:-)

Suruchi said...

@Shooting Star,
Thank you and the married status in case of many is a safety net-they know the lady in question would never harass him to secure a future and he could yet have fun!:(


@Sovi,
I don’t know where the ideas come from yaar, but thank god they do- I almost hate writing on serious topics and hence try to squeeze out the mad from wherever I can! And yes, I use the “hide” features too...Fb was smart enough to anticipate morons!
Thank you for always appreciating:-)

Anita Jeyan Sandeep said...

Lol I can relate to each and every word of this...and sooo true abt the common friends ! Some people add me just because I have 65 common friends with them ..It could be from a previous firm or a junior from college...but I would have not even heard of them..but they just think that if there are mutual friends then it is mandatory to add!

aakash said...

Ahaa... Quite an analysis.. May be I'll do a guy's perspective sometime on this :)
And your blogger pic is very pretty Suruchi :)

aJ

Purba said...

You go girl, this one was a killer!

And seriously I can never understand the logic behind the Hi message. Hello! are you tongue tied, vocab tied? Am I supposed to jump with joy.

I guess, most follow the "the try karne mein kyaa harz hai! reasoning. The least she can do is ignore and the most she can say is "Leave me alone, you moron!"

Am In Trance said...

HI.. You are so Beautiful..!
Can we be friends ? Plzz ??
Oh ! we already are..!
Yay..!!

Kya sar khuja khuja ke Facebook ka manthan kiya hai aapne.. Wah Wah..!!

Superlike this Post.. :)

Now I Wonder, mein kaun se categories mein aata hoon ??
:O

You are the Best..! (n' so beautiful..!)
;)

Thousif Raza said...

that was interesting... facebook is facebook... it has become a part of us and it will stay a part of us... and till its there... especially for girls.. suitors to aate he rahenge :P... no respite from that :P...... but somewhere along the line.... you do find good persons in those requests who will stay with u throughout... in times of happiness and sad... so i guess its not that bad either ;)

Take care and keep writing........

Tanvi said...

Hahah Spot on but in my case ... Lately I receive more requests from girls than boys :D Don't knw what that says abt myself

Bikramjit Singh Mann said...

Then its good I got worried here , Only one lovely beautiful GIRL find me all that you have written cute etc etc blah blah .. and if she also thought about me like that main to gaya tha na :)

he he he he

areeee ab yeh to dekhne waale ki nigaah pe hai na .. suit kiya ke nahin ...

ab aur kya bolooon shhhhh sab sun lenge ..

Bikram's

Suruchi said...

@Aakash,
Please do the guy’s perspective-you of all the people would do full justice to it:-) Awesome dp btw.
Oh and now I notice you compliment me for mine...:-)


@Purba,
I guess the jump-with-joy or strip and dance on the table option is what they have in mind..lol:-)Thanks for appreciating!
Haha...and loved your least and most extremes!

Suruchi said...

@Anita,
Haha, the mutual friend menace strikes everywhere:-)


@Thousif,
Don’t get me wrong-I love facebook from the bottom of my heart...jaise ki agar husband ko charge karna hain and laptop ko for facebook-I would call that dharam sankat situation:-)
But yeh suitors thoda sa drama kam kar de...
When are you writing, ji?:-)

Suruchi said...

@AIT,
Facebook ka manthan nahi kiya yaar...dimaag ki dahi bana dete hain kuch log to bas us par thode se tippany ki hain:-)
Thank you for the super like and aap category-less hain:-)


@Tanvi,
More requests from girls than boys means one thing-you are looked up to by your own gender and thought too sophisticated and out of league by the drama suitors:-)

Horizon said...

Loved Loved loved it. So on the spot. Cant stop laughing

Dhanya said...

Nailed it! Loved this post, and I have met up with some if not all of these types. Amusing experience, I tell you and you have described it brilliantly here.

Vijay Menon said...

WOW! this is much much better than what I wrote:)
Good you shared the link on my blog

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