Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

20 October, 2009

All you ever wanted to know about farts and didn't know whom to ask!




P.S. (yup...Post Script in the beginning coz I am different and this is no ordinary post...It’s an attempt go where no man has gone before...although I am sure there’s no SUCH place where a man hasn’t pushed or shoved his way and gone!). My post “Who’s done it?” got me so tempted to also enumerate my insane and abundant experiences with the farting basics and traumas!
Yup and if you were duh enough to be left wondering in there...you can stop rubbing your eyes now, scratching your head and re-reading the passages to try to guess what the bloody f@#$ I was talking about in that post...it’s all about farting and no denying that it’s a fart prone world that we live in!

Considering this is the most widely prevalent, global phenomenon, more in our face literally than global warming or population...because everyone from the Blacks to the Whites, virgins to voyeurs, saints to sinners, kings to beggars do it...most regularly and usually similarly, we do need a guideline to be able to easily and non-messily trod this turf!

KNOW YOUR FARTS:
The Silent Ass...Assault:
(When you ‘feel’ and sense it, look around dubiously but don’t see or hear it and are left wondering about its point of origin! He goes about doing his job so with such subtlety that he's a genius in his own right)

The Thundering Applauder:
(When you hear it and it blocks your nose as well as ears almost forcing from you a standing ovation, bole to stand up and run, dude!)

The Machine-gun Firing:
(It’s like the Diwali Seiko bomb thread...guaranteed to go on and on, one after another...pat, pat, pat till all ammunition of the body changes state and pollutes the bloody environment)

The Clarion Announcement:
(It’s long and bhopu waala baaja types...very disharmonious...at least make it sound better if not smell...It goes like the out of tune shehnai....poooooooooooooooo)

The Been-there-done-that:
(This one provides a view along with sound effects...why should the eyes as senses be left behind? The brightness of yellow, gold, mustard and other bhai behens of this family’s hues, make their presence felt by sticking conspicuously to the clothes...ab bolke dikhao Ariel waalon ke... ‘Daag ache hain!’)

The Constipated Delivery:
(Comes like an explosive thud of a ‘climax’ after repeated pushes like the sounds from the delivery room of a pregnant woman...a hesitant delivery after balanced constraining of every muscle in the body, filled with nervous anxiety whether along with gaseous state of things...liquids and solids might not surface too)

The Tell-all of what you ate:
(Hmm...prepare to test the distinguishing abilities of your poor nose...for on the platter would be an amalgamation of multi-cuisines and you just have to close your eyes and whiff...Waise, the guess game helps in diverting the mind from the stench)


The Spluttering Release:

(This one is like an old scooter...you press the...aa...whatever and it sputters a sound...but then you have to apply force again and it goes vroom and breaks, vroom and breaks..you feel now it would kick start...but no, it goes through many whims and sounds before speeding out almost in a burst)


The Sigh! Sigh! Emission:

(This one’s not for the world for only the suffering heart knows the pain it bears...it’s the situation when you’ve been released and you are unaware...or the predicament when you sigh and wish it was you who caused the emission but fate would have it otherwise and make you grin and bear/bare.)


The Oh-what-a-relief Liberation:

(This is like the virtual life...when you go in a make belief world that you have been liberated...and the relief glows from trouser to trouser...oops ear to ear...and you say “Dear lord..thank god I’ve come” I hope no puns have been taken!)


HOW TO TRACE THE SYMPTOMS BEFORE DISASTER STRIKES?

When the thundering explosion announces its arrival...I am afraid my friend...there’s just no hope or scope!
But when there’s no sound but loads of scattering action, there are early indications of the calamity so you can run for shelter:
Like when you see someone lift one circle of their butt just a wee bit to make space between their lower ‘partition’ and the seat that holds them...A keen observer would easily notice the facial expressions getting taut and soon released and the ‘someone’ looking here and there sheepishly...Be ready, then my friend, to get your nose assaulted...so learn to pick the culprit instead of clipping the nose later. If at first go you can’t crack the mystery, don’t fret...practice makes perfect...life gives plenty of opportunities for this one!


THE BLAME GAME:

More people are guilty of this kind of explosive and then the blaming assault on innocent specimens of their species than all the homicide action combined. They may not have gone on any stage but their performance of innocence and ignorance after their emission is Oscar worthy.

Some choose to rest the blame on the fellows around being the first to ask...who’s done it? Still others would shoot out their own discomfort and in a hurry leave the crime scene before its fragrance scatters...much common spot hopping behaviour in parties can be attributed to this urgency. Some like my beloved while driving back home after a sumptuous dinner, would suddenly open the window of the car...although I tell him “Honey, my nostrils are used to of this fragrance...just pull up the window before I catch the cold”. Talking about shit and shitty stuff is his favourite preoccupation, though he prefers to call it ‘pokis’ and now half the mankind on my side of the planet terms it so!

Also worthy of a mention here is a sweet old lady of my acquaintance, may god rest her soul...who had this beautiful little habit of calling over guests at home...and just as they’d sit around the dining table to gorge...she would start of her loud explosions, stopping those spoons at the edge of our lips and forbidding them from going in till the dust kinda settled!

I want to say more, you know my habit...I can go on and on n on...A dear friend describes me as the gal who can write ten pages of how she spent the last five minutes on earth...I can offer homeopathic, spiritual, yogic, psychological, mental but not so detrimental solutions and more...but I would spare you guys and allow you to rest those facial muscles that have been scrunching the nose as well as giving a broad grin as they are reading this...Plus it’s been a long post and long time since you raised that cute butt for nature’s call...
Before you victimize those around you with crimes mentioned above...rush my friend rush...I’d be around when your return!
Happy shitting guys-and "spread" the message;)!

15 comments:

MOHAMMED FARHAN KHAN said...

hahahhaha.....
how do u write all these things ?
i mean ...u described so almost all type of farts ...hahahha...very diff post ...
i have never seen this type of post ...goooooodddd
nice one !!!

suruchi said...

Thanks MFK...:)
How do I write these things, you ask...Pata nahi yaar...but for this one I can safely say...I guess smell kar ke..eeks...gross..hehe;)

I'd like you to elaborate on the "almost" bit...would be interesting to know if I left out some stinky stuff...;)

MOHAMMED FARHAN KHAN said...

From 'almost' I mean, may be there are some of diff types that u didn't smell or experienced ....hahahhaa....being a teacher u hav to suffer so much....

malpani.!! said...

i had my one hand on my nose.. still i couldnt stop the smell coming from this while i was reading it..!!

there was a moment i guess that i let out a fart while i was reading this.. hehe..
thankfully i was alone..!!

suruchi said...

Hi again MFK
Seems like you have quite an experience of your own here;)

Hmm..being a teacher I do have to suffer smells of all kinds, shapes n sizes…oho but smells have no shapes or sizes…then how do we differentiate?...ok so many flavours n textures...acha time to shut up...thanksssssss for understanding my dukh dard;)hehe

suruchi said...

Hello Malpani...
Hmm...at least I didn't spread the stink yaar...I was just spreading the good golden words only of enlightment...no puns intended...;)

And it's ok if you let out a fart...good that you were alone too...waise I’d let you in on a secret…hush,hush hain ekdum…if you’ve read the previous post where I have “glorified” my farting beautician…I think she secretly cursed me..coz since then I have had an upset stomach and almost victimized a couple of unsuspecting people myself...boo hoo:(

Uff..before I go more gross…hope you’ve released your nose by now:)

Hopeless Romantic said...

This is one of the most funny and humorous post i have read in a long time...n quite innovative too :D

keep writing!

cheers,
amit

PS: I send u an email, check it out !

suruchi said...

Thanks amit...
I guess u need innovation and motivation in somethings like that to really have a 'blasting' effect...

Glad to know I tried n succeeded...in a blasting post that is...hehe:)

Rahul Khatri said...

wat r u tryin to do, a Phd on fart syndrome or tryin to write a handbook on how to fart or be safe from the other attackers...scccccccc...ha ha...only u cud've written this...this is a parcel packed wid scrumptiously framed words wid a content a writer cud have had only in a nightmare ha ha....its an explosive filled with explosives, and their types, effects and precautions ha ha...wat else to say...just in one line :"Yeh to bada TOING hai!!" he he!!;):):D:P

(lo ji...wish granted...khush??!!:))

suruchi said...

Thankssssssssss Rahul...
Bahuuuuuuuuut khush...aap pichle janam mein genie-wenie to nahi the, always granting my wishes...tell me where your lamp is so I can keep u safely from prying eyes...hehe

U know DC..I was wondering when I wrote the title..if someone's going to question me why on bloody earth would they wanna know anything about farts, let alone know it all about it;)hehe..u came pretty close to being so observant:)

I hope the information helps ya:)

Lichi said...

LMAO and not in a smelly way

suruchi said...

Great Rishi...LMAO n ROFLMAO n all the rest, with or without fragrance...ke farak painda hain;)...

The laughing is not so important n topical here...the arse/ass is;)

sobhit said...

u deserve no less dan a Phd in farting tecnique n how 2 spot d not :P :P LOL.... it ws gross n wierd n so very thotful f u 2 devote 1 whole post 2 farts... u shud get dat 21 salami 4 dis :P :P n u wud knw how dey shud b bwuuaaahahahhaahhahahaha
hahahahhahahahhahahha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
do me a favor go out der n make more of ur species(i. e. females :P) 2b like u.... women gota let lose sm muscles n b free.. not in accordance wid d post i mean :P... but generally in der attitude...
n still hahahhahahhahahhahaha
u seem 2b at ur farting best here :P :P :P

suruchi said...

Sobhit u write sooooooo well...
I mean each of your comment is like a reading through a little post in itself...
Please gimme that 21 salami...though not in blasts like I have mentioned above;-)

I wish I could make species...then I would make more of my kinda guys and break the female mould altogether..what fun..to have you guys as beggars and definitely not choosers...
then I can sit on some dumb throne with a snooty nose n throw my whims "free"ly at u all;-)

They don't make like me anymore...the world can just about handle this much of a disaster!

N ya ya...you don't need to thank me for being gross, weird n thoughtful...it comes naturally to me...not the farts silly...the explosive ideas;-)

Stick around for more...oh no not farts again...u know what;-)

Anonymous said...

There is felicity of expression in your analysis of behavioral physiology of fart (if there can be behavioral finance why not my freshly minted term, although your writing is truly scholarly and touches interdisciplianry dimensions).

The honesty of your writing, the passion for revealing the "truth" (LOL) and creative interpretation of observed phenomenon along with practical recommendations, have compelled me to write this comment.

I just wnated to share a culturally interesting aspect of farting. It relates to those spiritually oriented, self-disciplined, proud of vedic heritage, Yoga-meditation imbrued persons who are usually dhoti-clad. For these people the act is just another natural happening such as eating in a certain ritualized way (they will give well-supported explanation for any of these rituals such as eating with a relaxed pace, eating less and chewing properly not talking while eating etc; all good things).

In contrast to body posture and facial expressions you have described in detecting the " looming danger", the posture employed by these veritable yogis is scientifically precise for easy diffusion and expression is truly one of equanimity unperturbed by occassional laughter by kids or bemused faces of the adults in vicinity. The face also remains peaceful in the knowledge that the act is non-violent(no garbage in, no garbage out) in its propogational effects barring the inevitablity of emitted sound that too remains frequently unvitiated to the process and surroundings.

Now another subtle observation (although it can not match the deepness of your authentic fundamentals) is that you can identify the fakes among these cultured beings by the waekness of expression immediately after the act. If a crack of a smile or even sigh of relief is betrayed, the person has not evolved beyond dogma.

It is a personal observation and you may have not encountered such personna but you can conjure up someone who may not be for example, dhoti-clad but similar in essential characterstics.

I like your writing style and I like Kanpur..

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