20 October, 2009
All you ever wanted to know about farts and didn't know whom to ask!
P.S. (yup...Post Script in the beginning coz I am different and this is no ordinary post...It’s an attempt go where no man has gone before...although I am sure there’s no SUCH place where a man hasn’t pushed or shoved his way and gone!). My post “Who’s done it?” got me so tempted to also enumerate my insane and abundant experiences with the farting basics and traumas!
Yup and if you were duh enough to be left wondering in there...you can stop rubbing your eyes now, scratching your head and re-reading the passages to try to guess what the bloody f@#$ I was talking about in that post...it’s all about farting and no denying that it’s a fart prone world that we live in!
Considering this is the most widely prevalent, global phenomenon, more in our face literally than global warming or population...because everyone from the Blacks to the Whites, virgins to voyeurs, saints to sinners, kings to beggars do it...most regularly and usually similarly, we do need a guideline to be able to easily and non-messily trod this turf!
KNOW YOUR FARTS:
The Silent Ass...Assault:
(When you ‘feel’ and sense it, look around dubiously but don’t see or hear it and are left wondering about its point of origin! He goes about doing his job so with such subtlety that he's a genius in his own right)
The Thundering Applauder:
(When you hear it and it blocks your nose as well as ears almost forcing from you a standing ovation, bole to stand up and run, dude!)
The Machine-gun Firing:
(It’s like the Diwali Seiko bomb thread...guaranteed to go on and on, one after another...pat, pat, pat till all ammunition of the body changes state and pollutes the bloody environment)
The Clarion Announcement:
(It’s long and bhopu waala baaja types...very disharmonious...at least make it sound better if not smell...It goes like the out of tune shehnai....poooooooooooooooo)
(This one provides a view along with sound effects...why should the eyes as senses be left behind? The brightness of yellow, gold, mustard and other bhai behens of this family’s hues, make their presence felt by sticking conspicuously to the clothes...ab bolke dikhao Ariel waalon ke... ‘Daag ache hain!’)
The Constipated Delivery:
(Comes like an explosive thud of a ‘climax’ after repeated pushes like the sounds from the delivery room of a pregnant woman...a hesitant delivery after balanced constraining of every muscle in the body, filled with nervous anxiety whether along with gaseous state of things...liquids and solids might not surface too)
The Tell-all of what you ate:
(Hmm...prepare to test the distinguishing abilities of your poor nose...for on the platter would be an amalgamation of multi-cuisines and you just have to close your eyes and whiff...Waise, the guess game helps in diverting the mind from the stench)
The Spluttering Release:
(This one is like an old scooter...you press the...aa...whatever and it sputters a sound...but then you have to apply force again and it goes vroom and breaks, vroom and breaks..you feel now it would kick start...but no, it goes through many whims and sounds before speeding out almost in a burst)
The Sigh! Sigh! Emission:
(This one’s not for the world for only the suffering heart knows the pain it bears...it’s the situation when you’ve been released and you are unaware...or the predicament when you sigh and wish it was you who caused the emission but fate would have it otherwise and make you grin and bear/bare.)
The Oh-what-a-relief Liberation:
(This is like the virtual life...when you go in a make belief world that you have been liberated...and the relief glows from trouser to trouser...oops ear to ear...and you say “Dear lord..thank god I’ve come” I hope no puns have been taken!)
HOW TO TRACE THE SYMPTOMS BEFORE DISASTER STRIKES?
When the thundering explosion announces its arrival...I am afraid my friend...there’s just no hope or scope!
But when there’s no sound but loads of scattering action, there are early indications of the calamity so you can run for shelter:
Like when you see someone lift one circle of their butt just a wee bit to make space between their lower ‘partition’ and the seat that holds them...A keen observer would easily notice the facial expressions getting taut and soon released and the ‘someone’ looking here and there sheepishly...Be ready, then my friend, to get your nose assaulted...so learn to pick the culprit instead of clipping the nose later. If at first go you can’t crack the mystery, don’t fret...practice makes perfect...life gives plenty of opportunities for this one!
THE BLAME GAME:
More people are guilty of this kind of explosive and then the blaming assault on innocent specimens of their species than all the homicide action combined. They may not have gone on any stage but their performance of innocence and ignorance after their emission is Oscar worthy.
Some choose to rest the blame on the fellows around being the first to ask...who’s done it? Still others would shoot out their own discomfort and in a hurry leave the crime scene before its fragrance scatters...much common spot hopping behaviour in parties can be attributed to this urgency. Some like my beloved while driving back home after a sumptuous dinner, would suddenly open the window of the car...although I tell him “Honey, my nostrils are used to of this fragrance...just pull up the window before I catch the cold”. Talking about shit and shitty stuff is his favourite preoccupation, though he prefers to call it ‘pokis’ and now half the mankind on my side of the planet terms it so!
Also worthy of a mention here is a sweet old lady of my acquaintance, may god rest her soul...who had this beautiful little habit of calling over guests at home...and just as they’d sit around the dining table to gorge...she would start of her loud explosions, stopping those spoons at the edge of our lips and forbidding them from going in till the dust kinda settled!
I want to say more, you know my habit...I can go on and on n on...A dear friend describes me as the gal who can write ten pages of how she spent the last five minutes on earth...I can offer homeopathic, spiritual, yogic, psychological, mental but not so detrimental solutions and more...but I would spare you guys and allow you to rest those facial muscles that have been scrunching the nose as well as giving a broad grin as they are reading this...Plus it’s been a long post and long time since you raised that cute butt for nature’s call...
Before you victimize those around you with crimes mentioned above...rush my friend rush...I’d be around when your return!
Happy shitting guys-and "spread" the message;)!