12 October, 2009
What Women say and what they really mean!
Just as there is a universal cry of women of all shapes and sizes, saying they do not understand their men; similar is the plight of the so-called superior sex...They’d have complete comprehension of rocket science, they’d applaud the matrix like nobody’s business, they’ll solve the worst of Sudoku in the newspaper or spot a calculation mistake in her metre long grocery bill. But ask them if they’ve unravelled the mystery of knowing a woman and they’d look at you as though you are babbling in an alien language and even after translation it would remain the most bloody absurd query they ever came across. They’d reason...I mean who in his bloody senses could ever understand a bloody woman?
You are bloody right and that’s where I come in...Your bloody saviour...guided by my little knowledge (before u doubt it...it’s enough to get you by), some teeny weenie bit of experiences (yup, those that ended in the right direction) and loads of imagination (Don’t worry, I am not assuming a strip tease of you right now...or am I...or whatever!)
There’s a huge difference (like say the difference between Amsterdam and Delhi ka Lal Quilla section...you know what I mean) between the actual spoken words and the import of what women say...so in all my magnanimity and by hearsay, I try here to do you an almost unconditional favour be decoding these verbal utterances...The only condition being...kindly reciprocate effectively, appropriately, sufficiently and accordingly whenever I demand it;)
So when your gal, woman, and dame or pain-in-the-a@@ says:
"We’ve talked a long while on phone today, I think you better go and get some work done"
The biggest dumbf@#$ing lie this is...
Never my dear man friend, fall for it....
She’s secretly hoping within you would say “Arrey no work is more important than you...everything else comes later...”
Say it and score big time!
"Do you think I look fat in this?"
This one’s eternal...and I guess even the biggest of jerks, geeks and dumb heads are by now well versed in handling it....
Don’t try: Ya honey...I think the curves on the sides are appearing a bit too bulgy as the clinging dress brings them out more horrendously (WHACK, WHACK...that’s the sound you would hear with your ears or feel on your cheeks...paid either in literal terms or in kind)
Do try: Not at all darling...u look like my princess...take a circle before the mirror and check out yourself...(Well, I would have come up with something wittier guys...but sorry, there’s no way you can tell your woman she’s not looking hot and get away with it!)
"I’m really not bothered if you talk to other women?"
Whattttttttttt? What a nerve? (This is us thinking in our over reacting minds with one eyebrow up vamp-ishly)...Bothered??? I am bloody hell blasting just now. By my own experience I know a man and a woman can never be friends! I better keep a double check on his whereabouts and action sequences henceforth! I need to accompany him everywhere now. What’s she got which I ain’t got!
"I am completely over my ex-flame...in fact take me before him now and I won’t so much as flutter my lids"
Big fat lie of the highest order guys...beware...don’t fall for it and actually take her there...For then would start the rounds of gregariousness and a lively display of affection towards you only to make the ‘past tense guy’ inflamed and go green...just accept it and make peace...or look for an emotional virgin!
"Oh if you are not well, we’d cancel the dinner date/plans honey...some other time...your health is more important"
Dumb schmuk...you should have listened to me when I was telling you to wear that jacket when you went strolling in the fog...or when I told you to remove those ice balls mounting in your drink last night...or to have taken the darn medicine when I suggested it this morning! Well, at least have a good memory now and remember now for Christ’s sake that I AM DOING THIS SACRIFICE FOR YOU!
"I so understand the need for your boy’s night out...I don’t mind at all. Have fun baby!"
Hmm...so you think you can have fun without me? God ji, please let him get bored to death and realize my value so he swears never to step out of home without me flaunted in his arm. And those friends of yours...I wish God gives you more common sense to let go of these bunch of losers! Let me assent this once to be able to dissent on the next four occasions!
"I am fine really...I don’t need a doctor...I’ll manage on my own!"
Hey bhagwaan...is bande ke aankhen hain ya button? Can’t he see I need pampering now ASAP and someone to hold that handkerchief when I blow into it and someone to hold my hand when I moan in pain, so what if the fever is just 99 degree C? Someone to take me to the doctor and tell me he’d do my homework/order food from outside so I don’t have to cook....Sigh! Sigh!
"It’s alright if you forgot my birthday...hota hain kabhi kabhi!"
OH MY GOD....this is what I get after months of my dedicated service...you my dear are right on top of my hit list...We’re so over and you won’t know what hit you...As if you sauntering in without a gift was not enough, you committed the cardinal sin of forgetting the whole event altogether and thereby the celebration of my birthday week!
"It’s not the material worth of a gift that matters...it is the feeling behind it"
Hmm...What possibly dumb logic of a feeling is involved in giving me a clinical thermometer show piece on our first anniversary! And when you said for you size does matter...why didn’t you bloody tell me you were not talking of diamonds?
"Don’t be silly...you won’t say anything to that sweet boy...he wasn’t oogling, he seems from a good family"
Blah, blah, blah, blah...we will go on and on to convince you that the dangerously attractive and tempting stranger is harmless...Secret admirers should be allowed to protectively blossom not crushed in the bud..
"Don’t you think we should take a break for a while in our relation?"
I am sick and tired of you...it was a bloody mistake to say the three letter words in the first place and now I just can’t stand you...Either flatter me more or get flat off my orbit!
"Oh! I am so overwhelmed at your proposal...I don’t know what to say!"
Whatttttttttt? Why do all the weirdoes end up finding me? How do I tell him that he needs to look at his face in the mirror again? I don’t know how to turn him down without being branded a bitch?
And now brace yourselves for the mother of it all:
"Tumhaara aur mera to saat janmon ka saath hain"
Ya right...and let’s hope this is the seventh one!
P.S. This was just in good humour my friends...the author takes no claims to authenticity or efficacy of the suggestions made. Kindly follow them under the professional guidance and any resemblance to me or any other woman you know of is purely coincidental...hehe;)