Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

12 October, 2009

What Women say and what they really mean!









Just as there is a universal cry of women of all shapes and sizes, saying they do not understand their men; similar is the plight of the so-called superior sex...They’d have complete comprehension of rocket science, they’d applaud the matrix like nobody’s business, they’ll solve the worst of Sudoku in the newspaper or spot a calculation mistake in her metre long grocery bill. But ask them if they’ve unravelled the mystery of knowing a woman and they’d look at you as though you are babbling in an alien language and even after translation it would remain the most bloody absurd query they ever came across. They’d reason...I mean who in his bloody senses could ever understand a bloody woman?

You are bloody right and that’s where I come in...Your bloody saviour...guided by my little knowledge (before u doubt it...it’s enough to get you by), some teeny weenie bit of experiences (yup, those that ended in the right direction) and loads of imagination (Don’t worry, I am not assuming a strip tease of you right now...or am I...or whatever!)

There’s a huge difference (like say the difference between Amsterdam and Delhi ka Lal Quilla section...you know what I mean) between the actual spoken words and the import of what women say...so in all my magnanimity and by hearsay, I try here to do you an almost unconditional favour be decoding these verbal utterances...The only condition being...kindly reciprocate effectively, appropriately, sufficiently and accordingly whenever I demand it;)

So when your gal, woman, and dame or pain-in-the-a@@ says:
"We’ve talked a long while on phone today, I think you better go and get some work done"
The biggest dumbf@#$ing lie this is...
Never my dear man friend, fall for it....
She’s secretly hoping within you would say “Arrey no work is more important than you...everything else comes later...”
Say it and score big time!


"Do you think I look fat in this?"

This one’s eternal...and I guess even the biggest of jerks, geeks and dumb heads are by now well versed in handling it....
Don’t try: Ya honey...I think the curves on the sides are appearing a bit too bulgy as the clinging dress brings them out more horrendously (WHACK, WHACK...that’s the sound you would hear with your ears or feel on your cheeks...paid either in literal terms or in kind)
Do try: Not at all darling...u look like my princess...take a circle before the mirror and check out yourself...(Well, I would have come up with something wittier guys...but sorry, there’s no way you can tell your woman she’s not looking hot and get away with it!)

"I’m really not bothered if you talk to other women?"
Whattttttttttt? What a nerve? (This is us thinking in our over reacting minds with one eyebrow up vamp-ishly)...Bothered??? I am bloody hell blasting just now. By my own experience I know a man and a woman can never be friends! I better keep a double check on his whereabouts and action sequences henceforth! I need to accompany him everywhere now. What’s she got which I ain’t got!

"I am completely over my ex-flame...in fact take me before him now and I won’t so much as flutter my lids"
Big fat lie of the highest order guys...beware...don’t fall for it and actually take her there...For then would start the rounds of gregariousness and a lively display of affection towards you only to make the ‘past tense guy’ inflamed and go green...just accept it and make peace...or look for an emotional virgin!

"Oh if you are not well, we’d cancel the dinner date/plans honey...some other time...your health is more important"
Dumb schmuk...you should have listened to me when I was telling you to wear that jacket when you went strolling in the fog...or when I told you to remove those ice balls mounting in your drink last night...or to have taken the darn medicine when I suggested it this morning! Well, at least have a good memory now and remember now for Christ’s sake that I AM DOING THIS SACRIFICE FOR YOU!

"I so understand the need for your boy’s night out...I don’t mind at all. Have fun baby!"
Hmm...so you think you can have fun without me? God ji, please let him get bored to death and realize my value so he swears never to step out of home without me flaunted in his arm. And those friends of yours...I wish God gives you more common sense to let go of these bunch of losers! Let me assent this once to be able to dissent on the next four occasions!


"I am fine really...I don’t need a doctor...I’ll manage on my own!"

Hey bhagwaan...is bande ke aankhen hain ya button? Can’t he see I need pampering now ASAP and someone to hold that handkerchief when I blow into it and someone to hold my hand when I moan in pain, so what if the fever is just 99 degree C? Someone to take me to the doctor and tell me he’d do my homework/order food from outside so I don’t have to cook....Sigh! Sigh!


"It’s alright if you forgot my birthday...hota hain kabhi kabhi!"

OH MY GOD....this is what I get after months of my dedicated service...you my dear are right on top of my hit list...We’re so over and you won’t know what hit you...As if you sauntering in without a gift was not enough, you committed the cardinal sin of forgetting the whole event altogether and thereby the celebration of my birthday week!


"It’s not the material worth of a gift that matters...it is the feeling behind it"

Hmm...What possibly dumb logic of a feeling is involved in giving me a clinical thermometer show piece on our first anniversary! And when you said for you size does matter...why didn’t you bloody tell me you were not talking of diamonds?


"Don’t be silly...you won’t say anything to that sweet boy...he wasn’t oogling, he seems from a good family"

Blah, blah, blah, blah...we will go on and on to convince you that the dangerously attractive and tempting stranger is harmless...Secret admirers should be allowed to protectively blossom not crushed in the bud..


"Don’t you think we should take a break for a while in our relation?"

I am sick and tired of you...it was a bloody mistake to say the three letter words in the first place and now I just can’t stand you...Either flatter me more or get flat off my orbit!


"Oh! I am so overwhelmed at your proposal...I don’t know what to say!"

Whatttttttttt? Why do all the weirdoes end up finding me? How do I tell him that he needs to look at his face in the mirror again? I don’t know how to turn him down without being branded a bitch?

And now brace yourselves for the mother of it all:
"Tumhaara aur mera to saat janmon ka saath hain"
Ya right...and let’s hope this is the seventh one!


P.S. This was just in good humour my friends...the author takes no claims to authenticity or efficacy of the suggestions made. Kindly follow them under the professional guidance and any resemblance to me or any other woman you know of is purely coincidental...hehe;)

12 comments:

malpani.!! said...

lol.. hilarious..!!
how do u come up wid dis.. must have had a gigantic experience behind you..
thanks for the lessons.. :)
i shall take care.. hehe

btw are women rilly from venus?

men are from mars for sure..:p

Heavenly Muse said...

is it as difficult to understand this delicate creation of God,,:-)

Hopeless Romantic said...

hahah...awesome list....i so very love the way you write...makes for a spicy read...keep penning!

amit

suruchi said...

Hi Malpani...love ur takes on entertainment...
Thanks for taking out time here...
Hmm...the experience sure is gigantic..hehe..So I thought I'd spread the enlightment...

Women are not really from Venus...we are like a satellite orbiting around Mars...if that's you guys...hiding behind clouds sometimes..spreading the light at other times..and prone to move out of the orbit if handled callously...;)

What makes you so sure that men are from Mars?:)

suruchi said...

Dear Heavenly Muse...you are absolutely right...
I am still trying to understand myself...so god help the guys;)
I love the phrase "delicate creation"..just as divine to the ears as the name "Heavenly Muse"
Thanks for reading me:)

suruchi said...

Hey Amit...
How flattering it is to receive comments from someone who has almost a double century of followers on his blog list...hehe...

Well the love is mutual;)....
The love for reading each others write ups, that is...:)
You scratch my back and I scratch yours...hahaha...
And before this gets more corny...lemme end with a thanks:)

Hopeless Romantic said...

i dnt have 200, i just have 146...people have stopped following me since i don't bootlick them any more or don't follow their blogs or don't comment on their blog :D

suruchi said...

Awwww...but I always follow u...hehe...stalker types;)
And I am taking an underhand compliment here that I often see your comment on my blog...yippieeeeeeeeeeee...:)

Keep writing..coz u are veryyyy good at it...
Ab hum gine chune he ache writers reh gaye hain duniya mein...ek doosre ko kandha dene ke liye...

Hehe...
Sorry drama just follows me;)

Shady said...

Men are most petrfect creation of universe ( oh please accept it for universe is ever exapnding and so are men ) and mostly they mean what they say , and only when they mean different from what what they are saying either woman or women are involved .



Spoekn words : Hi honey I was busy the whole day so I could not call you.
Translation : I had better things to do like texting my frineds and serching for nudes of lindsay lohan.


Spoekn words : You look preety in both the dresses , you can wear any of these.
Translation : I don’t give a damn what you wear I just hope I get nice gals to check out at the party.


Spoekn words : That friend of yours ? is she crazy / lazy / acting weired etc etc
Translation : Oh I find her hot like hell but I must say things like this to misguide you.


Spoekn words : oh she can talk intelligently.
Translation : Did ya look at her clevage , she is awesome.


Spoekn words : nah it was just a boring office party
Translation : I had a roclking time drinking and bitching with all my friends but If I tell ya that you wont allow me to go again.


Spoekn words: I have a urgent meeting and my phone will be out of reach.
Translation : I will be busy with my grild friend and I hope you will not call me then .


Spoekn words : I have to go for a urgent confrence/Meeting in bangkok / thailand or some godforsaken timbaktu.
Translation : It about time that I should try what all I have heard about these places .


Spoekn words: I still love you
Translation : ya baby I do , but I love pamela , mary and stephnie too.




Spoekn words : Wow you are looking different.
Translation : I cant tell the diffrence but I remember what you did to me last time when I didn’t say it.


Spoekn words: nah you are not fat .
Translation : even if you are I swear over my dead great grand mother grave I will never ever say that.


Spoekn words: Oh come on how can I do that , please if you are not well we will cancel the plan.
Translation : yippie now I can go out and party and since she will not be in my tow I will flirt with anything in skirt .

suruchi said...

Only u Saks...aka Shady Baba could have said this like this;)
Keep rocking:)

Thanks for adding both the perspectives....:)
You know you are awesome at this

Spark Star said...

hahaha

I must say: How Very True!!!!!!

suruchi said...

Thanks SS...Welcome to my blog...Keep reading to find more mad truth;)

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