Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

22 September, 2011

Dear Salman(Khan of course)

Dear Salman,
This is my second letter to you and since you answered to my first one some twenty years ago, when I was a teenager and in love with you post Maine Pyar kiya, I am assuming you would oblige me again I still have that letter btw tugged away for a personal moment now and then. Though this time do not send me an autographed photograph and a printed response of your forthcoming movies for I have kinda sworn off them for a while as well as stopped talking to your three feet long posters transfixed on my wall and on my mind then. So you see I would need more to shut me up now.

Last week I had a traumatic experience and as a fan I am sure, you’d be interested in knowing what badgers my little brain. Bodyguard was a movie that I went to after one month of no movie-watching in the theatre which is a catastrophe in my case and surviving. But your latest seems to be the greatest-in terms of deterring movie goers from ever treading upon the theatre route again. I mean what are you thinking these days I would really like to know? In your defence, I know the promos were not very promising but in my defence, you know how we fans are-hoping for some last minute miracle to salvage a sinking Titanic, but finding ourselves gasping for breath on not much, when we are thrown rudely overboard the sinking ship. To be literal in case sarcasm is too much to expect stars to understand-more like thrown overboard by a loud, cheap gag in between our pleasurable sleep during the movie.

‘Wanted’ was good after the sad mess of Veer and Mr n Mrs Khanna...or did they come after-ah, who cares! The mature yet vulnerable and sleek Salman magic was woven with dhaanso dialogues and an almost believable story line or whatever is possible in the Bollywood limitations anyways. That was followed by Dabbang and a hint that you were beginning to lose it. Vanity thy new name was Salman Khan and those obnoxious narcissist mannerisms garnered many an applause in the theatre and I thought, well, maybe my movie tastes have become a little too contemporary.

And then came Ready! Omg, did the story writer revisit his kindergarten to write this narration? And you are hitting 45 for crying out loud, some seven years younger than my father who is a grandfather now. You still expect us to buy the flight of fantasy that you are hanging around the house in the entire two hours plus frame like a college going dude, pampered by the elders for he is someday going to sambhalo the baag-duad of the khaandan ka business? They must later realize that there are only Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday in Salman’s week-there’s no place for a Someday!

I also assume that perhaps your choice of movies is being influenced by your erstwhile friend and hitherto bitter enemy Shahrukh’s selection. Shahrukh managed to horrify me in that remake of Karz, god help that movie because I have even forgotten its name-it was hopelessly predictable. Devadas, Omkara, Maqbool and the likes reaffirmed faith in remakes and Shahrukh shattered my love even for the original Karz. And then he murdered me alive when I saw him in that ‘Haule-Haule’ flick with those terrible moustaches and then terrible-er hamming as the colourful, so-called hipper version and superbly far-fetched story line again-I forget its name too I am not getting old-you guys are fucking my mind with movies that remain horror stories etched so firmly even in just a two hours ordeal in the theatre. These from the “Kings” of Bollywood-an outsider may shudder then to see what the minions and subjects are up to!

Anyways, I guess you thought when Shahrukh can pick up crappy, crass, children’s book themes and still retain his fan base, let me show that I would pick up crappier, crasser, blockheads of films and prove they still gather more millions in the first week than any other films in history. This however does not prove the awesomeness of your movies sir, but the awesomeness of your self-selling which is becoming larger with every passing ad campaign, every PT class dance step, every amusing word that is super accented and every super vain walk that you manage to enthral the shutterbugs with.

And what’s with the super smug attitude these days? I thought those looks were the sole copyright of Mr. Abhishekh Bachchan in those Idea ads where he manages to give that stance despite the string of flops. I guess he has your girl and that would explain the perpetual I-am-better-than-thou grin transfixed on his face for life; or wait, is it because he was infected with her coldness during courtship and those features are hence frozen since the day of his marriage? Never mind if the emotions have changed thereafter.

Back to you dear, sorry for these other actors sometimes make me digress. Now look at these youngsters only, how foolish of them to try newer scripts and themes when they should learn from you that muscles-shuscles and some heavy dialogue-shialogue mouthed with anger is the new mantra to ensure box office thronging of masses, at least on the first day. And once you acquire the mass on the right body parts, acquire also a designer who stitches shirts with barely there thread work-so that they furl open at the slightest hint of touch-of the wind, of the water pipe, of the rub against a heroine’s chest or even if she blows a flying kiss. Watching bare chests or being in anticipation of it was never so much fun even in the days of a Choli ki peeche or a Ram tere Ganga Maili.

Now script ka kya karna hain-throw in some chartbuster songs, get an arm candy girlfriend who is ever ready to bestow you with item numbers, use lots of people in the movie to generate cheap laughter like little kids pissing on the villains from the first storey of a building or the goons falling on a hot tawa by the road side-I mean come on, the fall on hot tawa for generating guffaws act must have been around since ages and apparently is still working. But these youngsters, naah, they never learn and want to experiment! Bah!

I recently visited a school friend’s house and her daughter who is eleven years old, now has a three feet long poster of you on her wall. Made me feel a bit nostalgic-you are a demi god to rule over three generations of women apparently my mother too had a crush on you when you first came around but didn’t confess it then thinking it would be a bad example for her teenage daughter. I wish you’d give us more of acting than acting to act. I wish you would play less with your belt and trouser pockets or collars of your shirts or scratch your bum over the trouser of course and instead show us a bit of more innocent you as we loved you then. And flying across two running trains in a tremendous leap does not suit you at all-we should leave that for Rajnikant or else how would the sms companies survive without making Rajnikant the butt of their jokes and circulating him so obnoxiously.

And would you please get married also now that we are onto it, for it is not good for the health of 99.999% of the rest of the Indian men population who see just one man having all the fun with the best of chicks. By the way, do these girls ever manage to hold a considerably sensible conversation or do you never let them open their mouths at all wise choice therein again? Katrina can not-act-the pants-off anybody and I guess the ‘off pants’ is the sole reason, she is still rocking the fans. I mean I saw her in a recent Pantene ad and my gawd she has managed to bring in more expressions in that one minute than in all her movies to date! She is progressing, perhaps learning from you!

Being human is also great if the human here is Salman Khan and being a blue bracelet is greater if it adorns your wrist. Being a Salman fan is the greatest...please see to it that it does not relegate to past tense. You’ve ruled the masses and the classes and with the new hair job and still a fabulous face and of course not to forget the million dollar body that ensures publicity by itself than any Rakhi Sawant’s assets ever could-we want you back and front too, but that’s for another lust dipped day. forever,

P.S. The author is suffering from serious stress due to lack of straining of vocal cords since morning-koi mila nahi pakaane bechaara Sallu phas gaya
The justification is made keeping in mind 4 valid points:
1. Maybe my fan base(LOL) circulates this letter a million times like the Madrasan's and I would have to explain my stand in the next post, so doing so now very smart you see
2. Maybe someday I do bump into Salman and he falls in love with me and this letter should not spoil my chances-I definitely want a Bodyguard who looks like Salman although not acts like him.
3. Maybe I get threat calls from some Bhai-abhi to mere khelne koodne ke din hain na...
4. Oho, mein bhool time!:-)


Bikramjit said...

Oh Chado ji .. salman khan nu .. next time i am going to put a pic of mine in a vest and dolle sholle ...

HA ha ha ha haha :)

but as usual the letter made me laugh out so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Mishi said...

hahaha I would agree with you about BodyGuard here..Em not his fan...But seriosuly Dude what the writer was thinking ? and still the movie did huge business? so Suruchi we have to admit..People still love Salman khan and want to see more of him! There is no other possible Explanation for this..right? I mean BodyGuard's Business on Box OFFice;p

maithili said...

Lol Salman needs to read this!!
I loved the privacy he gave me and S ( we saw his Bodyguard..err wait.. we didn't see.. in a nearly empty theatre :P) !!

Add to it, they showed promos of a freak Himesh Reshamiya nodding his head around a mike in some upcoming movie of his :P :P

Double dhamaka you see! :P :P

A said...

I don't know how people tolerate him and his movie Dabang got awards. It was total crap so as the list you mentioned.

On the other hand, I like SRK because he is able to put something in the movies despite poor script. He rocks.

ZMD was (is) hit - an awesome movie because of SCRIPT.

CATGIRL !! said...

lovvvved the of those rare posts where i read each n every word though i hate sallu .....ooops sorry!!

Suruchi said...

*wolf whistles*Abhi woh vest n dolle sholle dekhe nahi to yeh haal hain-rab khair kare:-)
Thank you ji...comment ke liye bhi and ready to pose karne ki liye bhi
Salman Khan to kab ka forgotten:-)

I almost died in the last reunion scene in Bodyguard-the pain on Raj Babbar’s face was akin to a man suffering from serious constipation and diarrhoea at the same time-I came out from the theatre with an almost similar expression-ALMOST!:-)

Suruchi said...

Hmmm...yeh aapke waale off screen picture seems even more interesting than any number of bodies being guarded on screen:-)

Yes, I was reminded of Himesh and his histrionics too while writing but didn’t form anything concrete to write about! He is another mad self-obsessed nut!
I can sympathize with you for the Double Dhamaka*oho, reminds me of Double Dhamal-the flick and sends me into shuddering mode again*

Suruchi said...

Valid point-wish the script writers were paid half as many crores as these actors are dished out-then perhaps the story of Bollywood would be better!:-)
SRK hasn’t done plausible wonders in the last few movies and I am not expecting too much from Ra1 either!

Haha...awwwww, abhi “hate” nahi hain yaar. Bechaara he is a good munda otherwise. Just that his selection of films is going haywire these days!:/

Tanvi said...

I am not going to say anything. I am one of those die hard fans. He can do no wrong. i will not lie, I didn't even read the complete post. 'Coz I am partial and that's the way it is! :D

♡ from ©

SUB said...

LOL...i didn't dare to go and see Bodyguard...but i liked 'Dabang' was fultu entertainment...


A said...


To be honest, I liked 'Mere Brother Ki Dulhan' so muchhhhh. Guess why !!! Besides the first 5 minutes, every frame has cool Katrina in it. No other movie can beat that.

Red Handed said...

First of all i am sooo against remakes unless they ae the DEV D kinds!
The malayalam version was a headache and then they remake it! God!!!

I adore the man sallu but not his movies...or his famous dances!!
I fell off my bed reading this letter though...You have a very witty mind!

Rachit said...

bodyguard.. even the rickshaw waale people would have hated it :P ANd good one ... :D

Weakest LINK

Pythoroshan said...

I have to admit..its hard for me to be hateful of the guy...i've always liked him among all the Khans...I know his acting sucks, he's just showing off now rather than acting and all that... but I still await his movies :)

I like his off screen persona too...been a fan of his since the MPK, Saajan, Pather ke Phool, Baaghi, Karan Arjun , HAHK, Andaaz Apna Apna era..tough to change now :)

Purba said...

Open letters bring out the best in bloggers eh?

Sharp, witty and engrossing. And I can't say I agree or don't agree. Was never a Sallu fan :))

But he is playing up to the gallery, for seetis and chavannis. Stardom is a scary thing - it makes you insecure.

And sadly the audience has grown up but our so called filmstars are still in their diapers.

Chintan said...


I am getting over him already, I though liked Bodyguard :) Well, what do you know I had a crush on Munaf Patel as well <3 :D

I like your style ;)


Bikramjit said...

bas yeh asar aap hi pe hota hai .. koi aur to dekhta hi nahin ..
kya karooon :)

I dont like any of the khans especially SRK.. if you look at his last few films he has the same ACTING now .. same expressions

but good you forgot .. and i was reading ur reply on the expression in some end scene SACHI main :) he he he he

Muhammad Israr said...

well...since Wanted, i am a big fan of Salman and i think he just realized the pulse of the audience and the scripts are now super hit because thats what the people like...go to cinema and laugh for 3 hours and forget about everything :)

Sameera said...

Haha fun read..

Salman, Shahrukh, Rajnikaant, Rakhi Sawan't (assets), and finally Madarasan..

Kisi ko nahi baksha ;)

☆ Rià ღ said...

Lol....wish Sallu got to read this in real. Hilarious post...and totally second u on his choice of movies!

Suruchi said...

Awwww...see, I knew at least one would surface-a die hard waala fan
And it is okay to be partial and okay again that you did not even read the post...waise if you did, you’d realize that I also like him and hence this letter to ask him to mend his ways before I add a “dis” to the like;-)

You liked Dabang...why?
Acha chalo-it was alright enough...and good you did not dare!
Id ka chutti made us a little dare instead of getting bored:-)

Suruchi said...

@A, why did you like MBKD??????????????
I can understand how Katrina fans are falling in love with her all over again...but then there was no story and Imran was kinda stoned in the most part. And then really-so much drama in one’s own family-Bollywood is taking the idea of ‘suspension of belief’ very seriously:-)

Oh...I missed Dev D too in that list of amazing remakes!
And you said it right-as a guy he’s kinda cute!
And thank you for falling off the bed-zyaada chot to nahi aaye?
Just kidding, I am so glad ki kahin to "falling" ho raha hain:-)

Suruchi said...

@Rachit, six years old nephew had gone with us for Bodyguard. He was ecstatic during Dabbang and Ready, dancing to the gaanas and laughing at the humour aimed for children. In Bodyguard even the poor kid slept off in the second half and later kept asking ‘Hum ghar kab chalenge’:-)

I also have a soft corner for him Rosh, he was my first star crush after all...and despite all the bad experiences, I think I would still go and watch his next!
So don’t change...we can’t even now, no matter how much we want to!:-)

Suruchi said...

Even I thought this open letter was kinda good...I mean after a long time I re-read my post and was smiling. So although I had put up a post just two days back, I could not wait to post again:-)

I guess the insecure part is as much true as the over confident bit:-)
Here’s hoping for more sensible cinema in future:-)

Munaf Patel...I need to check him out now coz if a sensible gal likes him, there must be something:-)
Thanks for visiting

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Lo bolo kar lo baat.
Aapko Salman ki har super-flop aur not so flop movie yaad hai aur apna 4th P.S. bhool gaye?
Salman has managed to hold one lady in his fan base for sure.

No comments from my side on bare chested, but Salman ko samjhao, aise calender ki tarah dil mein photo roz roz change karoge, to kisi din heart ki note book full ho jaayegi aur bahut der ho jaayegi.
Us se pehle unhe koi unki sachhi waali fan se milwaa do.

Aur mujhko kya kehna tha? Mein bhi bhool gaya :P

Nice read.

Blasphemous Aesthete

Suruchi said...

Itneeeeeeeeeeeee modesty na dikhaeye janaab...public aur ghayal ho jaayege!
You are one of the most loved bloggers that I have seen and that’s not a hidden are also one of the nicest:-)

Wow...a big fan, eh?
I like him too but not his movies so much..hope we both get in accord some day:-)

Suruchi said...

Thank you for realizing I was ripping them all apart-Abhishek, Aish, Katrina ke bhi lage haath le le...kya pata, kal ho na ho! :-)

Thank you ji:-)

Suruchi said...

Abhi itnaaaaaaaaaa chota dimaag and itneeeeeeeeee bade bade baatein...after all mein lagte Superwoman hoon*please don’t ask from where* but mein bhi insaan hoon:-)

Hey bhagwan, agar Salman Anshul ki nahi sun rahe to kam se kam aap he sun lo...milwa do!:-)

And aapke age mein bhoolna is not right-memory plus kaho:-)
Thank you for always remembering to comment though:-)

Live2cherish said...

waah, waah!!!

A said...


You expect too much from bollywood movies. I don't. I don't expect concept, story, script, dialogue, acting etc. I go with the idea to see some songs at beautiful locales. So if see various styles of Katrina, that is a treat.

All bollywood movies are the same....almost all.

Rahul Bhatia said...

A wonderful post and was happy to see someone felt just like me after seeing this awful movie! You may see my blog

shooting star said...

oooh!!!...wat a letter!!!!

Soumyadeep said...

kya kahu madam....Salman ne itne ladkiyon ka dil le hum to bechare akele hi reh gaya...

newaz it was interestng...moreovr i slept half through Dabang & didnt dare to watch ready and bodyguard...

♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪ said...

Hahahaha! That was awesome!
I've never been much of a Salmam fan except around the Hum DIl De Chuke Sanam time.

I love Shah Rukh but i still wish we could have the old salman back.
ROFL@Rakhi Sawant’s assets.

blunt edges said...

Hahaha! Seriously what is the deal with Salman? I actually liked the experience of watching Dabangg at the movies. But I was hoping it was one off thing, but it wasn't to be! I hope this letter from the wise Suruchi Arora does the trick :D

Shreya said...

only you could do this to salman :) lol :D

Jack said...


Caught up with all pending posts. Thanks for solving what was puzzling me. A friend of mine told that there has been a spate of resignations in DRDO, now I know where those scientists are off to. Real honest and coy replies in tag, making me laugh many times. Have you not heard the latest Breaking News on famous News Channel " Salman has taken SANYAAS after reading a letter from a dedicated fan"?

Take care

Sovina said...

I agree Bodyguard is a total piece of horrors have hit a new benchmark altogether after seeing that movie..but if still the movie is a hit, i really have no one to blame but the public who demands such trash, spends money on it, make movie a hit which fuels writers/directors/actors to make such movies again...phew!

Sadiya Merchant said...

see i really want to talk abt ur post..xcept dat i saw ur dp n i HAV to sayyyy.......u like a pataakaaaaaa! :D

sallu bhai- nevr liked him, dint watch bodyguard n fr sum reason i always feel like hes jus woken up frm a deep slumber.
is it jus me??

n hello hello he is d host fr big boss dis season too- suruchi do u think he took up d project to try one last chanc at salvaging his image in frnt of u?

Anita :) said...

Anyways Sallu should not be forgetful of his age...i mean what you said about 'Ready' is sooo true. And by the way, being an SRK fan I was so happy to read the bitter truth about Salman, and halfway through you just stray purposely from the topic and insult the haule haule act and when was starting to raise my eyebrows, luckily you came back and resumed your decent abuses at Salman and I felt calm. :D ROFL at the Katrina Kaif statement :D Whats that Pantene ad by the way. I just cant stand her British lip movements!

Priya said...

I cannot hear a word about Salman ... So did not read the entire post. I take any criticism personally !! I have an appeal for all non Salman fans - don't watch his movies !! He rocks ...!!!!! As for his acting you know of anybody who does such a bloody good job of playing HIMSELF ??! I would hate for somebody like him to play anybody else when he himself is so yummy ;-))
Hmmmn letter , the Madrasan has set a trend here I think. Suruchi, give us an open letter to the Kanpur guy ...waiting !

Suruchi said...

Thank you, thank you:-)

I do agree with you that all bollywood movies are the same-and yes, almost. Yet there has to be something of interest that captures you-Imran and Katrina with their fixed features are not my cup of tea-although she has done a much better job in this one than all her previous films:-)

Thank you and I would check your blog soon:-)

Suruchi said...

@Shooting star,
Oooooh...thank you:-)

Hain na...aap jaiso ki liye hain meine yeh itnaaaa bada kadam uthaya hain...mera nahi to kisse ka to bhala ho:-)

@Happy Go Lucky,
Yes, Hum dil de chuke phase was good and he looked so nice with Aish...why did he have to let her go? Let’s pray for the old Salman magic to return.
And Rakhi Sawant to just shut up about getting her assets insured-they aren’t worth it anyways:-)
Thanks for dropping by!

Suruchi said...

@Blunt edges,
This letter from the wise Suruchi Arora would do no trick Blunty, if it could, wouldn’t my letters to you done better tricks much before;-)
And like you said, “Andhere se nahi, Salman ki movies se darr lagta hain ab”

Haaaaaaaw, meine kya kiya...aur woh bhi Salman ko...aur mujhe pata bhi nahi chala;-)

Suruchi said...

It is just the curiosity of a new movie from a good saleable actor that forces movie goers to throng the theatre...Bodyguard was released mid week on Eid and the chutti helped it to open to 100% collections and with no movie in competition, it managed to run to packed houses through the week. Seeing good looking faces on screen is sometimes a motivation enough for movie addicts-after all it is just a matter of sitting through a bad story for two hours but see enough good naach gaana n style:-)

Thank you and you are welcome...for a minute there you actually got me wondering at how “I” helped solve something that was puzzling you:-)
And I don’t want Salman to take sanyaas ...thode se he to good looking faces bache hain Bollywood mein-just that he should swear off crappy films:-)

Suruchi said...

@Saadiya, the “pataakaa” comment:-)
I feel the same about him waking up from a deep slumber-janab high on life rehte hain shaayad:-)

I don’t watch Big boss re-another crappy duffer of a show on tv...reality tv ki to ma-behen ek kar de, with a flood of non sense shows!
Salman ko last chance chahiye to bolo aake mere se khud mile-phir sochte hain;-)

Suruchi said...

Omg-thank heavens I got back to Salman bashing warna Sharhrukh spanking would have got me into some serious trouble here;-)*acting so scared of the raised eyebrow*
And yes, now I finally understood what I can’t stand about Katrina Kaif-it’s those silly lip movements that makes one feel a bit whooooa the Barbie talks! :-)

Ji huzoor-point to be noted...would not watch his films*shivering already for finally a near-death threat comes here in the comment box*:-)

I have written a couple of open letters last year-damn the Madrasan for stealing my thunder:-)And open letter to Kanpur guy is okay but Kanpur ka koi mere blogs padta he nahi hain:(

PeeVee said...

:D And Salman takes a hit for the team. His team. Of muscles. Erm. Whatever:P
Never was a fan though I loved Hello Brother:D
And Dabangg was painful so I never ventured near Bodyguard.

And, in that 'cycle gap' (as we call it) you've managed to take other actors several notches down as well:D

Did I mention I'm four posts old in your blog and already a fan?:)

Suruchi said...

Haha...the muscle team sounds very possible:-)
And so does the cycle gap...socha lage haath sab ki he le loon:-)

And fan..really? Thank you soooo much, it feels soooo good to hear such nice words!

sobhit said...

u have a letter from salman khan ?? aisa bhi hota tha?? chalo sahi hai.. but gud 2 knw sm sense prevailing... unlike most f "bhai ke fans" u seem to be having bttr taste den his movies on d lines d "bhai toh hero hai , kuch bhi kar sakta hai"

d last movie i remmbr salman khan acting , as in act acting n not jst dabbng giri was karan arjun i guess.. after dat toh jst let d body flex its muscles..

Anees said...

Am an hardcore fan of Salman bhai.. But ya Bodyguard was badddd.. It sucked big time.. Dnt know how it became a hit... Only plus point was Katrina.. ( even though for a min).. Ya ya am an hardcore fan of katrina too.. So abt MBD.. cmon tht was a good entertainer.. She did a good job.. Better than imran.. Its true tht its nt possible to happen in real life.. But its a Movie yaar...

P.s - i loved Dabaang, it had a style

Suruchi said...

Yup, as a teenager I had developed a fascination for writing letters to film stars and celebrities and amazingly they would send photographs and letters back-I have letters from Salman, Amitabh, Karisma, Imran Khan(the cricketer), Sonia Gandhi and loads more-that reminds me there should be a post on that some day:-)

Haha...and I so agree on his just flexing his muscles-but surely there must have been some movie after Karan Arjun too*raking my mind to come up with some option*:(

Suruchi said...

Heylo, welcome to the blog comment section ji!
And I know about your Katrina obsession! May that do you good;-)

Thank you for the visit and hope to see you around:-)

aakash said...

I hate Salman Khan :/
and I would never understand how come his movies become block-busters... deep shit!!
I liked the Salman of Andaz Apna Apna and Hum aapke hain Kaun.. Me btw, a die hard follower of Aamir. That guy has variety. :)


Suruchi said...

Oye hoye-abhi itna bhi bura nahi hain bechaara that you should hate him...poor guy.

And Aamir is good except that sometimes I feel he comes across as a little smug:-)

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