Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

27 September, 2011

Fussing over Fat!

Considering the huge buzz yes, we flatter ourselves when others seem to be doing less of it-hint, hint in the blogosphere about the invention of The Fat Transporter in my post Somebody Invent these Please, I decided to dedicate some moments of silence through typing these words, dedicated to my fat and those of others and how it can be a pain in practically anywhere that it surfaces. Hoping this would help it to RIP and motivate us God, to create a fat free world.
  • You dread going to the tailor out of fear of getting your measurements taken. And in case he would say that the suit has not been stitched tight by his mistake but the fact that you have put on inches since the last measurement taken ten days ago-where, oh god where would you hide your chubby face the body can anyways not be hidden?

  • You look at the brands condescendingly that do not make beyond size L-what the fuck do they these self inflated, prejudiced dim-wits think of themselves anyways? And also pray that the good looking boy you sometimes bump into in that big mall showroom does not spot you surfing through “All Large sizes here” section.

  • While having sex, you wonder more about how you might crush the poor guy under you with your weight or would your bellies prevent you from getting the job done no puns intended. And when the special someone gropes, you hope he does not hold a layer of fat in his finger tips unconsciously instead.

  • People ask you if you are not well for you seem to be going breathless and you smile and say you are fine when actually you have tucked your tummy so hard that it is difficult to breathe and you are waiting to go to a corner of solitude and exhale.

  • You refuse to go on a vacation with thin-pins for then even when you wear what makes you look the thinnest would still make you look bountiful next to the I-could-give-competition-to-a-ladyfinger friend; and not to mention how would the photographs appear when you return back home and upload them on Facebook and your skin-on-hanger friend gets more compliments from YOUR friends than you-scary thought, eh?

  • Getting pictures clicked is another problem-thank god for digital camera and the world was saved with the delete option. But then you always have to look for accessories to hide the bulges-use people, cushions, trees, bags, children yes, fat people are sometimes shameless and strategically place them. 

  • Onlookers stare at your butt more out of wonder than awe!

  • You have to ask a totally dumb question like “Will this fit me, na?” to a salesperson when the tag says “One size fits all” and then bring it back from the trail room and then sheepishly mutter under your breath, “This does not fit” and she/he stares at you with the look as though he has seen the eighth wonder materialize before his eyes and can’t even call the ‘medias’ to claim his share to fame.

  • People ask you to share their tiffin or lunch and suddenly become pale when you agree.

  • You make stupid calculations through the day like what would have more calories-a lunch that constitutes the nine piece chicken nuggets with medium French fries or two pudina parathas with butter chicken and after baffling your brain about it till both go thanda on the table, you end up having much of both.

  • You get stuff like slimming tea, fat free mayonnaise, diet coke, chips with no trans-fat, roasted snacks-have a loadful of them all together, wait for some bulges to budge and then complain that they do not. 

  • You go around proclaiming that you like a person more for their heart and mind than their body, hoping someday someone would say and feel the same for you.

  • The world in your views is not divided between the haves and the haves-not or the Whites and the Blacks or the Developed and the Developing-it is plain simple a struggle for survival between the beam-thin naturally blessed and the air-filled naturally cursed.

  • You prefer going to the mountains than the beaches for mountains help you cover up and the beaches require you to don a swimsuit and hell Halle Berry-may you be damned for that walking out of sea in that skimpy thingy image for James Bond that makes half the male population want to be one -the swim suit or James Bond, they are still not sure.

  • You dream that someday fat would be in and the gorgeous hunk of a man you fall in love with would have a fat fetish.

  • You thank god often that clothes were invented and you were not born in the stone age-otherwise ever getting a head to turn for you, would have been such a ‘fat’ chance.

  • You have to sit through the torturous recitals of human-toothpicks about how they have put on half a kg and they are sweating it out in the gym to combat that or how they feel bad about eating half a chocolate pastry-I mean it was just half-really?????????? And worse is when they eat half a dozen microscopic bites of the scarce food on their plates and touch their barely-there tummies and say they are so full-you can almost hear your own tummy growl.

  • You spend some insane hours wondering if the tummy would grow out so much someday that it would make the boobs appear to have gone in.

  • While walking ahead of a good looking boy, you do not wonder about the opening line to make a pass at him or how you should trip so that you fall right into his arms. Instead you are wondering the watermelons placed at the top end of your legs are not going up-down, up-down in a see-saw way.

  • You advocate how Indian dresses suit the Indian girls more and gossip about how the squeezed-mango friend is looking sick and unhealthy these days because of her diet-maliciously planning in your head that she gets scared enough to give up and thereby not making you give in.

  • When you fall people scream not because they want to save you but because they want to get out of the way, in case your butt decides to rest on their nose.

  • You stand in the kitchen to cook and sweat and console yourself this is as good as perspiring in the gym.

  • The worst question that could ever be asked to you is: What is your weight? And the most prepared answer always is: My bones are heavy...

  • When you jump to jive on the dance floor and shake it like there’s no tomorrow, you soon realise that your feet have stopped gyrating but many other parts of you are still swinging.
  • You make more orgasmic sounds while eating the KFC burger than while being eaten.

  • When your special someone asks what is your favourite flavour and you say chocolate-you secretly hope that bag in his hand would contain some nuts dipped bars rather than those little, long balloon like things.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeenough said-I need to drown my sorrows now...You comment till I look for something to eat!


Anonymous said...

LOl - I love 'human toothpick' Good one ! As for the battle of the nulge ...most of the time , bulge is winning ! God help !! Ab kya kare ...sab bhagwaan ki den hai ;-)

maithili said...

I sooo totally identified with this!! Specially hate the girls who are stick thin and keep complaining that they are gaining weight!!

And that weight loss food!! I hv tried all but they are so tasteless that I give up within a few days!

I too get frustrated with the stores that store on till L size!! Its such a pain that I have to try every outfit before I get something that fits me well (not body hugging) and those "Large sizes here" are so painfully boring and dull stuff!! I m waiting for the revolution of the FAT PEOPLE!!

When will FAT be in fashion???????????

Rahul said...

A hilarious read. Am sure all those blessed with extra pounds will enjoy all the digs without feeling the tickle!!!

Pavitra .... said...

Hahahahaha....really funny post..!!

"You spend some insane hours wondering if the tummy would grow out so much someday that it would make the boobs appear to have gone in."
Believe me...I've been here... I was so shocked to read it...It was like you read my mind...
Cheers and Hugs!!

P.S.: You've inspired me...I'm hitting the treadmill now :P

Red Handed said...

I am sooo depressed now!!I even wrote a post on GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING FAT, so that my mind comes in cordial terms with my fat booty but no no...You had to bring all the memories back.WHY????!!!!!
The shopping thing is such a disaster and i prefer shopping with my friends or just alone! Its easy for us no...U get in, u dont find your size, you just pop out of the shop. We are literally like men!
Also i dont diet coz i cant. FOODIE FOR FIRST DEGREE!!!!
Your post just made fun of my entire life. I was born this way :P
Btw check out this post coz whenever their is a debit there is always a credit :P

Suruchi said...

Thank you..I know right-yeh sab bhagwan ki karne hain, aur bhugat hum rahe hain:-)

Haha...we are all sailing in the same boat-bechare hamare weight ki bojh se he na doob jaye kisse din!:-)
And that revolution of fat people would come someday baby-you hang in there-btw, you are not fat so we might not include you :D
And that hunk by your side waise quite makes up at your end:-)

Suruchi said...

Thank is mainly exaggerated, but then, what is life without a little exaggeration:-)

Haha...we women have this knack of reading minds na of other women and looking through those of our men;-)
And great idea-hitting the treadmill...I hit mine too again n again till it broke and never troubled me again:-)

Sadiya Merchant said...

hav odr ppl imaginin if ur tummy grew a bit bigger u mite not need a plate or a tray :o

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!!dats absolutely so hilarious nd fatly funny....specially that toothpick thin human wala part as well as
"You spend some insane hours wondering if the tummy would grow out so much someday that it would make the boobs appear to have gone in."......i think of this as a nightmare....
nice post all in all,just started reading u a few days ago nd cudnt stop myself from coming bak:)
happy writing!

Suruchi said...

Awwwww...I am so sorry...I thought it would make the world feel better to know they are not alone in their miseries and teach the thin-pricks to empathise with us:-)I was not making fun of anyone’s life-I am dedicating an ode to us!

And there are good things about being fat too-that for some other day

I had thought of that too...bas likhte likhte reh

Thank you so much and hope to see you around...and may the nightmares never really come:-)

Sudhir Kekre said...

Thoroughly enjoyed like all your earlier posts. Keep them coming.

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

umm.. am not sure if i have a right to comment on this considering I dont fall into this category at all! I dont want to get hit with brick bats and have everyone scream at me 'What do YOU have to complain about?!!!'

But ill take the risk :P
Hilarious post! I am one of those weird people who is always desperately trying to gain weight... and i always fail. I take 3 months to put on 2kg and then two weeks of hectic work hrs is enough to make me lost it all!

Chintan said...

bwhahahahaah!! I am one of those who cry out loud when the skinny jeans doesn't fit. I have a friend, she is almost 6ft, big and yeah fat. One time, I actually started talking in front of her, how I hate that my tummy isn't flat like a *line*! She stared at me and was like, I can not believe you just said that. She is english :( and it was rude. Sigh!

But, to be fair, I used to exercise a lot those days. I do not work out now, am lazy! Here, I got again. O better the way, I do eat my makkhan and everything creamy. I do not stop eating...


☆ Rià ღ said...

Omg!! I was almost on the verge of falling off my chair at work. U r too good at writing these posts. On 2nd thoughts, this makes me wanna hit the gym right away! I am joining one soon.

Mishi said...

If you ha written this some 3 months back.I would not have much to say as I used to be Lady-Finger type..But sitting home doing nothing has helped me gained some 6/7 tummy is out now! so yeah Now I can understand the I can pretend to understand it!;p

and I have started praying to get back to my Lady-Finger dont have much to worry then..My mothers keeps on telling me to "Eat Less and walk more!"..:-(

Tanvi said...

Thank you for the good laugh ... right after my workout! :D ... You are hilarious ... I like the one about world being divided between the naturally thin and they naturally cursed :D hahha! .... That's how I discriminate too :P

♡ from ©

jo said...

Haha!I know..the biggest dream of every girl is not really to marry the man of her dreams, but to eat whatever she wants without the fear of getting fat.
Had a hearty laugh. I remember telling the lady-finger likes, human-toothpicks and others of their sisterhood that my bones are heavy.
From your pics,I can only conclude two things..either you are very good at concealing it or you are just like every other girl, never happy with her weight.I'm more more inclined towards the latter :)

Sakshi said...

Lol, true story, Su!
oh, and your last point reminded me of this two liner that I got-
"You would be called a foolish bf, if you take your girlfriend to an ice cream parlour instead of going to the chemist, when she says that her favorite flavor is Chocolate ;) "

Justbcos2pplfellinlove said...

Very well written and hilarious to the core...liked it...and BTW u write so well. Have read lot of your posts and this is the first time commenting. Keep Writing.

Nikita said...

"You spend some insane hours wondering if the tummy would grow out so much someday that it would make the boobs appear to have gone in."


you are too goood ! and dont still look so btful....your cute face ds nt lets ppl look at the fat on tummy...

cheer up!

Purba said...

God is cruel - he made all fatty things yummy. You can gain inches in just a few weeks and will take months or even a year to get rid of them.

And tragically it get worse with age!

Why o why must it be this way?

Bikramjit said...

I second Purba's comment above .. indeed cruel all lovely juicy yummy things are Fatty :)

He he he had to laugh at the mesaurment issue.. I bet ..

YEah I am very careful to make sure that girls are not there when i am looking at clothes for myself .. I go late night to shop

and on sex .. I did not think like that .. I need to ask her .. HOw she doing HA HA ha haha :) now you made me realise ooooops :)

Right well one point I ma good ABHI breathless wala time nahin aya , I regularly jog and gym so I got stamina Phewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

One size fits HE he he he he :)

there you go I commented , so what did you eat in all this time .. I hope you kept a share for me too.. mujhe bhi khana hai ...


PeeVee said...

For someone who has always had problems with how much she weighed, this post is a mini-Holy-Bible:D

Sameera said...

I haven't read the post yet... So, will comment for that again...

This one is to wish you a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

May god bless you, and you have loads of fun and crushes throughout your life ;)

God bless :)

♥●• İzdiher •●♥ said...

amazing .You made me laugh

Follow each other .

Suruchi said...

Thank you so much:-)

@TGAFA, is not a matter of who can comment on this and who should not-it was just to be enjoyed...most of it is exaggerated anyways:-) and I, we do need the Fat Transporter between us:-)

Haha...thank you and glad I got someone inspired:-)

Suruchi said...

Haha...see, exactly my point!
Sometimes we do wonder if we are better off or worse than the thin pins:-)
And eating sinful stuff is called sinful, I don’t know why-it is often life’s greatest pleasure:-)

Omg...then move about girl and lose those 6/7...once they start coming, they rarely stop:/ All the best!:-)

Seeeeee...I knew I would find common ground with someone:-)
And it is always a satisfying feeling to make beautiful people laugh;-)

Suruchi said...

Finally our dreams have been so rightly decoded:-)
I am very good at concealing, although I am equally brilliant at exaggerating:-)

Haha...I think I had read that sms joke somewhere too and it played on my mind to reinvent and add it here:-)

Wow...that’s a er...big name:-)
Thanks for reading, although please comment also so that I know I am being read:-)

Suruchi said...

Yiy, yiy, yiy...someone understood the need to compliment the author here:-)
And my face is just a reflection of what I am-like I said-he body does not matter:-)
Thank you so much for your sweet words!

And you had to make it worse na to tell me that it gets worse with age-o sweet lord, I am doomed:(
Like I always like to say-the best things in life are either fattening, illegal or married-but that does not stop us nevertheless;-)

Suruchi said...

My god, this blog is a big realization and revelation for you, na?;-)
Acha hua mein aapke aankhein khol dete hoon-warna andhere mein pata nahi aap kahan kahan ghus jao:-)
I didn’t have anything then yaar-but abhi thoda Maggie-shaggy ka mode ho raha hain:-)

Koi na...we are all with you in this:-)

Suruchi said...

Thank you so much for the wishes and such wonderful ones:-)
God bless you too:-)

Thank you:-)

Droopy Rose said... read....I'm one of those zero size...can feel the impact on others now...pls transfer a little fat to me, I wouldn't mind taking it up :D

Live2cherish said...

Madam kabhi toh kuch points rehne do humare liye comment karne ke liye. ;) I am sure you would make the scientists and researchers bite their nails if you ever hit the research platform.

blunt edges said...

Hahahaha! The "one size fits all" is a total ripper na :)

And "air-filled naturally cursed" is quotable material! ;)

Hilarious! And I would rather be James Bond, that way I would get Ms.Berry as well as the cool cars ;)

Pythoroshan said...

sigh..its like you're in my head writing my thoughts...rt down to returning the "one size fits all" and the "wonder-butt"

Alka Gurha said...

I could identify with so many of them...Absolute fun though.

I do dread going to the tailor and revealing the waist size...

Suruchi said...

@Droopy Rose,
Wow...yiy yiy yiy...we already got a volunteer-you are doing a noble job, girl and humanity shall remember your name in golden letters:-)
Size zero, really????? Stay blessed;-)

I don’t know if they would bite their nails or something else-heaven forbid, let me not land at their research platform;-)

Suruchi said...

Thank you ...I thought as much and so glad that you agree:-)
And you always have to go a step ahead and beat me na...James Bond ban na hain ab..hey bhagwan!:-)
Wish you all the berries of the world:-)

I like the idea of being in your head;-)

Haha...aren’t we all in the same boat now? If only someone could shake it:-)

sobhit said...

khao piyo mast jiyo yar.. agreed 2 much f fat is not kool.. i myself dont like shoppin 4d clothes wont fit nice.. though evn generally am not big fan f shopping.. fat thin.. se no gud.. fit hona mangta suruchiji.. fit n fine.. comfrtable in d body is all dat counts.. having said dat , i gota lose some kilos n inches myself :P :P

Sovina said...

hehehe..i totally missed this post before..i got to get back to exercise soon...and I have lot of these moments when i go to buy my jeans..I have the most weirdest size in the world bcoz i have all my extra kilos below the belly..ah! it is so annoying....

best is " the suit wasn't a thong last year"...too funny!

You are amazing, girl :)

Suruchi said...

Aapko lagta hain that I am too bothered about my fat?
I care two hoots-yeh post to bas aise he-exaggeration mein he entertainment hai;-)

I can understand your plight although you are pretty proportionate from where I see...
Ask me-it is like the lower half of my body does not belong to the top half:(
Thanks a ton for always appreciating:-)

aakash said...

Me on the side of naturally gifted... but you know what, plumpy is in and size zero is past :D


Suruchi said...

Offooo to aap bhi border paar se hain:-)
And thank you so much for reinstating faith in plumpy-plumpy sends you hugs back:-)

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