08 November, 2009
Different Kinds of Face Bookers!
Face book has brought about a revolution of kinds, as it provides to a user a plethora of opportunities for his physical, moral, emotional and spiritual development...
Acha zyaada ho gaya....
No development really but then loads of fun!
So anybody who is a ‘somebody’ must be on Face book!
It’s a child’s play to sign and log in, so you can get there...but like you get into the world easily but from there onwards, you’ve got to prove your worth...same is the case here! And once you from a part of a clan, there comes the need to classify and justify your existence! This post is in reference to a CNN article that I brushed through, thanks to a dear friend and he asked me for my take! Hence this sarcastic view of this social networking site, that I am an avid fan of!
(A)THE ADDICTED FACE BOOKER:
This qualifies to be tackled first because being on Fb and being addicted is almost synonymous. This category it seems was virtually born on the net and their parents may have been some kind of world web virus...for these folks are always online at any moment of time in the day! However for complete comprehension, we would have to break down the trunk into many branches extending further. You may have one or an amalgamation of almost all these variations.
THE STATUS UPDATER:
These specimens update status every two hours or even before, if enough mileage has been extracted already. So you know if they’ve brushed their teeth, taken a shower, caught on to the elevator or taken the stairs. They reach office at what time or if they are stuck in the jam...or if they are looking at the walls or feeling sleepy....zzzzzzzzz...(Tell me about it!).
It’s a great pleasure to take a peek into a friend’s life who puts it up wittily enough in this short space...but otherwise it often borders onto the territory of spam.
And funnily enough they have a line of equally vella fan following that would jump on the band wagon to comment suitably or just as dumbly on the by-the-minute happenings!
Their status would range from sympathy cries “...is very unhappy...”
To fishing for compliments “...is 99% an angel...” to declaring the news “...says Michael Jackson is dead...” to creating dumb mysteries inviting pokes “...is feeling...” You’ll get lyrics of songs from them to copied messages from mobile networks...some of them are as long as an essay in itself!
This lad or lass has just one aim in life...let my presence be felt on every post appearing on my news feed...let me be in circulation to emphasize my existence...let me drench the world with my wit that must suitably sparkle at all and sundry. So you find a comment by him on everything possible happening on his screen and unfortunately also on yours!
THE REPARTEE EXPERTS:
These move in a step further and create a conversation of sorts on their status updates and posts. One-liners are thrown off as volleys at one another while their rest of the world sits through the string of some 80-100 comments whereby the users exchange from...Hello! How are you? What were you doing just now...to the more sensible assertive like virtually starting up a debate! It’s as though no distance of time or space exists in between and the twosome, threesome and many-somes, who get cosy on the on-screen discussion! Sometimes even world- saving treatise occurs here, so we better silent the mockery horses.
THE PHOTO UPLOADER:
These people are addicted to uploading pictures of all possible positions (ahem! Ahem!), situations and incidental occurrences in their lives. So on display would be...the new hair cut, the visit to the grocery store, the night out, the puke glory of a hangover and the groggy look of the morning there after...The family album that include also Ramu kaka, their pet, the friendly neighbour with a grin or the not so friendly one with anger on the brim. You view not just what they ate during the holiday but also where they took it all out after the bowel movements became unbearable!
THE GAMBLING GAMER:
The mafia wars, the Farmville, the poker mania, the fish aquariums, and the scrabble word games...to think that these specimens have reached their virtual childhood! They bog you with gifts for your farm despite your repeated pleas that you are not a farmer or you are a Gandhi follower in non-violence. Fb notifies you that ‘congratulations, so and so won a round with the help of your mafia sword’....Whoa! When did I send that? But before you rejoice at the prospect of being paid in cash for your assistance, in return another equally insane gift of a mafia nut or screw would pop up on your screen by these game buggers. Hellooooo! This is a communication website...try playing other kind of games here for a change!
THE INFINITE ADDENDUM SENDER:
Hereby you receive a morning cuppa coffee, to a bouquet of daisies, to big bear hugs to kinky accessories to wise sayings to a diamond necklace...anything and everything is available on the shelf to gift and send for no one’s screwing or suing you for lack of actual receptions! You are the virtual king and a millionaire of this make belief world. So don’t be surprised if someone named an island after you or board a helicopter to go looking for it by the map! As if that’s not all...they’d send you the dumbest of quizzes ever...How sexy is your name? How potent is your sex appeal? When will you die? (Waise my result mentioned I would die on 23rd July 2009...so beware I am the friendly neighbourhood ghost at play here) What aura are you? Or even that your friend “bought” you in $100....yup, you can just raise your eyebrow in disdain of how low your worth was gauged or giggle back and buy the friend in just $50!
THE SELF PATRON:
Aaaaaaaah...this guy or gal has the best of reports going for him. The quizzes show...he is 99% loveable...she’s the social butterfly of whom people can’t get enough of...he’s chocolaty dipped sweet...she’s god’s gift to mankind...he’s 85% intelligent and 86% sensitive...
Even their dumb naughty cookies, mirror analysis or Anita’s predictions there proclaim to all and sundry...honey, you attract like a magnet...Is it hot here or is it you? ...You will charm the wit with your infinite beauty...ya, ya, ya...why not?
Hehe...I think they keep clicking onto “publish another” tab till they come across a self promoting backer. They’d let the world know how many hugs, smiles, hearts, love they receive each day...or what a splendid message they have derived from “god”!
If the world should not acknowledge our genius...we might as well force it down their throat!
(B) THE SLY STALKING FACE BOOKER:
This guy would rarely or never appear on your news feed...below his dignity to upload a status or a picture or to let know the 333 friends on his friends list about what’s happening in his life. But meet him at a social do and he’d be the loudest to point out to you in a crowd....
“You are the face book king/queen...always online kya? Aap to chaaye hue hain Face book pe...I daily see updates from you...where do you get time for so much indulgence?” Now WTF...! Will someone please remind this jerk that I take out time just in the same way as he does “daily” to check out what I am up to. He may not be commenting on your activities but mind you he knows it all. He’s the silent lurker...the hidden stalker...and the dumb schmuck who derives some insane pleasure in making you feel how down market you are to be so net addicted...Oh so propah, huh? Whateveeeeer...!
(C) THE ONCE IN A VERY BLUE MOON FACE BOOKER:
Hmm...This variety comes online once in a trillion years as though obliging the lesser mortals with their virtual presence or ensuring that Fb won’t spam their account if they don’t. So if you had sent them a message or post asking even a world-saving query, you receive a reply some light years later that would make you boggle and scratch your hair to try and fathom what in God’s name had you asked in the bloody first place.
(D) THE INBOX FETISH:
This guy wants all communication solely on or through the inbox. He wants to be a part of your life but feels indignant at the idea of the world knowing about it. Makes you wonder sometimes what’s wrong with him or worse what’s so horribly incorrect about you to lead to such a hypothesis. So there just might be a thread of 300-400 messages in your inbox...but whoosh is the word if you try and bring them on your wall!
Other lesser known categories would be:
THE POKER: Keeps poking you every time you open the page...the motive is perhaps to make you retired hurt or succumb to the injuries attained thereby.
THE SOCIAL CAUSES SENDER: He truly believes that he can change the world by assembling enough support to his causes.
THE NOTE MAKER: A writer unleashed or simply a hopeless case of copy and paste...but do take note of him please or he’ll make it a note to notify you always!
THE LINK SENDER: To think his parents were some kind of chains and he wants the world to be connected link by link till it goes yard by yard!
THE PHOTO OF THE DAY/ FRIEND OF THE DAY/ ENEMY OF THE DAY....THE DAY LIVER: This is perhaps what’s called “Ek din ka raja”.
THE BAD GRAMMARIAN BUT REFUSING TO GIVE UP: Phuleezeee spare us the comments where we need to decode what’s supposed to be written in English grammar or English spellings...like: fakt of lyf- r bodys ful of watr bt wen it hurts blud oozes out. n r hearts r ful of blud bt wen it hurts watr kums out frm r eyes!!!! Lyfs 2 hectic
You bet it is...when u need to unscramble all of this!
THE CHEAP-THRILL-ONE-TRACK MINDER: I know that would be me, so the less said here, the better!
THE GROUP JOINER: He’s a fan of everything...from McD’s burger to Gucci shoes...from raste ke chaat to Dilli haat...from the latest song to ‘dude, do you have an extra pen?’...from getting up late in the mornings to partying late at night...the fan clubs galore!
This has gone long enough... and if you are still reading this...Hey can I join your fan club?
But pardon me now fellas...I must stop here to add this as a note on my face book profile (it’s been almost an hour since I did anything up there...they must be wondering if I am still alive!). So I need to update my little world of 250 friends that they must read it along with uploading a suitable picture of me there to lure in some 80-100 comments and bask in its glory eventually....
Who the bloody hell still says I am addicted to Face book?