Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

29 November, 2009

The Frogs I Kissed before landing on my Prince Charming!


Hi! Let me share with you my dearies the story of how I landed up where I am today...Alrity, hold those horses...I am not recounting any horny, cheesy, porny story of how I got on “top” of things...
I would like to share with you how many frogs I had to kiss before I could land on my prince charming...indeed again, without any kisses or doing so literally!

As soon as I had entered my athaarva saawan...bole to I had barely bidden good bye to my teens that my parents created a huge circus around me. I was yet to decipher what I had done to generate such a furore, and simply watched with dazed eyes how virtually a boy- finding establishment cropped up around me....flourishing and seething with activity as though it had been under operation from years. Hmm...Maybe like when I was born, the foundation of this co-operative society had been laid...I call it a co-operative because the motto was “Saathi haath badhana...ek akela thak jaayega, mil kar ladke chaatna...”

So every day and everywhere I went...I felt like a Thai sex doll on display, not because I was flaunting my body parts, but because of the curiosity I was breeding. People would scrutinize me from head to toe...ask me what I was doing...or what were my interests...or what had I thought of my future...and I smiled through this Punjabi torture of their mental maths of balancing my equation with any ‘changa munda’ they knew of.
Hey now that I think of it...not bad yaar...I must have been like the most eligible spinster of my town because practically everyone I knew was on a task of finding me a groom.

So after much grinding, elimination, horoscope matching, family investigation, discussion committee proposals (told u it is a bloody full blown set up of the highest order) I would be “shown” to the guy in question.

Scene 1-My virgin experience:
I was taken to Delhi because my papa ke mama ke bahu ke chacha ke saale ka ladka seems to have fit the bill. Phew! Thank god I didn’t get married there...I would have had to learn that relationship string to recite it with professional accuracy every time, to appear how blissfully glad I were about it! Anyways, he and his sister were flying down from Mumbai for a day...just for me! Whoa...thank you for adding the pressures on the already scared to death nineteen year old “kuan ke maindhak”...that was me! Just fresh out of school and up on display in the nuptials domain...with no clue really about anything!

A new salwaar-suit I wore...which was supposed to be decent and nice, bought from a big store of my not so big-small town. Rushed to Delhi...bathed, powdered a bit, my hair combed for the umpteenth time and me told to smile n look down in shyness for bloody umpteenth to the power of 100 times. Meeting point: The Le Meridian- a five star hotel of the capital...target area: the coffee shop!

And after a wait of about half an hour...fashionably late I guess (the boy shouldn’t seem to eager n desperate...@!#$$%) we watched with baited breathe as a five feet five inches something walked in with a five feet seven inches something. The 5.5er was the boy in question...Didn’t you guys tell this “god’s gift to women” (I swear as he trotted with his plump legs forward and I could hear this tag with each bloody step he took towards us) that I am 5 feet 5 inches myself? He was short, plump...okies pleasantly plump...cause so was moi...and superbly obnoxious with his attitude of a Mumbai-ite looking for a simple homely small towner....
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...why didn’t I scream then...I am still wondering n so doing it here n now!

So we settled in and the formalities passed around. I saw my parents fawning for the first time ever and the guests basking in that glory. The sister, straight out of a page 3 circuit...I must say was extremely pleasant, sophisticated and demure.... ‘Where did she pick up her repellent brother from?’ Was a thought I was so tempted to ask but thank god for prudence and timely silence...

The menu cards were handed down and I could hear the “order something betaji” being crooned from all corners by my parents n maamas and the mediators to our venerable guests...
“Aunty ji” said the pear lump...oops sorry the pear shaped boy... “Do you mind if I take Suruchi for a walk and maybe we get to talk a little?”
“Of course not beta ji...you must know each other better. But first please have something...errr...coffee, tea or maybe some drink-shrink?” My mom here trying to gauge if the munda has any “bad” habits...Does he drink, smoke or womanize would all be fathomed by his next answer? “No aunty ji...I don’t take drinks regularly and definitely not in the afternoons...I’d order a cappuccino”

Phew! Thank god the boy’s side didn’t hear the loud sighs of relief from my camp or realize that he had already passed one litmus test that should take him to the next level of suitability...never mind if he looked like he’s not slept since he was born. So we peeped into the menu card...for I had yet to discover what the fuck was a cappuccino...I was hoping it would have something to do with Chinese food...coz at 19 Maggie n Chinese were my dream come true...I guess often they still are!

Bloody Rs. 350 for a cup of coffee...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cappuccino must be like elixir and it better taste as one coz I heard my mom blurting... “Alright then...waiter...cappuccinos for everyone...” Helloooo mom...I want a cold coffee with dollops of ice cream, dripping with smooth chocolate sauce n loads of nuts, garnished my wafer and chocolate bits that I can savour with a lick of my lips and some orgasmic pleasure on one side of the table....
But mums can be pretty unreasonable at times...and this was one of those golden moments when I knew I better not open my mouth to make my ‘outstanding’ suggestions.

The cappuccinos arrived just in time to rescue us from a long recital of how he was making millions maybe with every move he made...not on the tread mill of course...!
Hmmm...The smug reactions of my camp...could almost see a thought bubble over their heads that said “Hamare beti to yahan raaj karege!” Another thought bubble over the boy’s head that said, “Oh I am so smart...oh I am so sexy...oh I am so super-duper good...n oh, oh...” Would someone give me a needle to prick some of his bubbles coz they were reproducing by the minute!

The cappuccino as expected tasted bitter and horrible...why torture your system with something so distasteful...yup, I am still talking of the coffee n not the guy! And we were finally told to walk about the lobby and check out the shops...yippieeeeeee....would he make me shop...hehe...high hopes we all have when we are 19!

And so we walked and talked!
To think I made him ‘move’ his legs for a change...he should have fallen down on his knees and thanked his lucky stars for me!
And then began a volley of bizarre questions...
I was briefed earlier about the agenda and my modus operandi at such a crucial juncture....
“Talk less...just answer....don’t ask too many questions...and smile”
So I guess I did all the above four steps at the same time and looked like a jack ass of the highest order!

I smiled non stop...hey I couldn’t help it really...the guy was actually funny...ROFLMAO funny yaar!
I answered mostly in mono syllables, didn’t ask him much...not that he shut his gap for a reasonable amount of time to allow me to do that! I remember however something insane he asked me....
“Hey, have you watched this latest movie...errr....English movie...I don’t watch Hindi movies, you see- ‘Austin Powers, the spy who shagged me’? So what do you think about it?”

Hmm...A million dollar question that was...It was to seal my fate with this guy...it would tell how happening or otherwise I was...it was to tell what my views were on the “shagging” bit and despite my limited knowledge...I knew “shag” was not such a good word...
So I thought and thought n thought n said...
“No I haven’t...what do you think about it?” Pretty safe I thought...put the balls in his court...heavens knew he needed some!
And there began another round of “blah, blah, blah n me, me, and me” till he finally suggested...“Let’s go back to the coffee shop...they must be wondering.” I gave him a smile that almost screamed, “I thought you would never ask!”

Ya, ‘wondering’ if I am still alive or choked to death by the moron with curly hair...on his head of course...small squintish eyes...ugly teeth and bloated with himself like a fluffed winged pigeon!
Also wondering if he decided to take me to a hotel room instead to check me out even better;)

I returned back to sanity and final pleasantries were exchanged and good bye time came about...My father paid several crisp thousand rupee notes and we all extended the plastic smiles to their full bloom one last time before we’d all get out of one another’s sight and relax those over-taxed jaws. “We’ll let you know aunty ji over the phone as soon as I reach home and ask Munna about this” said the sissy...not the boy yaar...the boy was munna or monu or baba...whateverrrrrrrr...it was his sister who spoke before they whisked past in their Mercedes!

Precisely four hours later the phone rang...imagine the scene like they show in the Hindi movies...a child has been kidnapped and the kidnappers are going to call to tell about the ransom and the meeting spot...So everyone in the room is in nervous anticipation...you could almost see some beads of sweat trickling down...the ring brings in a close up of each face with a dramatic background sound...as one man rises with suspense to pick up the receiver...and slowly says “hello”...hehe...aisa he kuch hua tab bhi!

And I was rejected!
Hahahaha....
I didn’t laugh then, so I am kinda making up for it now...
And the cherry on the cake...
His reasons for citing the refusal....
“She’s too simple and shy, doesn’t talk much, just smiles and didn’t even ask me anything....”
Bloody hell....so much for my trustworthy counsellors misguiding me....actually thank god for them...bless you guys! Well done!

So we packed our boriya bistar and headed back home!
I failed in my virginal attempt...I wanted to tell my parents that it’s ok...I am just one boy down...hehe...not how you think...god bless your dirty mind too...but then like always... I just shut up and enjoyed the moment of me having escaped the idea of having to live with the pear lump....I hope you are happy somewhere and flourishing even more...one last nice word for you coz I have been kinda mean here with you: I miss your millions darling but not you...!

(P.S. For more updates on my dear frogs....watch this space for a sequel....this post has run too long!)

14 comments:

Hopeless Romantic said...

I am noting all these experiences, these kinds of stories causes the shit out of me...and the fact that i am getting ready to be slaughtered soon in the years to come, and keeping in mind my arrange marriage Phobic nature, i am big time fucked :D

suruchi said...

Hey Amit...
It's not so scary yaar...and most people get hooked in the first go...unlike in my case...Waise I quite enjoyed kissing the frogs...;)

Although there would be a world of disappointment if you went in for an arranged marriage...surely there's someone out there causing this world of inspiration for the hopeless romantic...
Don't u worry...you would be big time fucked for sure..though not before the nupitals hopefully;)

Rahul Khatri said...

oho scc.....u r reminding me of the biggest crap phase we all have to go thru...arre yaar...why cant WE decide whom to live with....neways...as usual...beautiful write-up and a thorough entertainment...he he...wud surely like to get to know abt the other frogs!!!;):)

Niraj said...

its touching...!!

NYUZ said...

Hmmm Su...
Have to admit to u...
this is the first time, read into u...
inspite of ur repeated attempts to make me do..
Accha hai, guess u enjoyed the chase as much as the game!

suruchi said...

@Rahul...it's not a crap phase yaar...It can be truly fun if u just sit back n relax n not hook all your expectations to it...

Just look at it this way...u are getting to meet so many wonderful n different people n who knows the right one just might be lurking there somewhere:-)
Waise u will take my advice before saying "yes" ok DC...and then thou shalt not worry about deciding whom to live with...leave it to the experts;)

suruchi said...

@Niraj...thanks...waise I wonder what I touched...hehe...kidding:-)

@NYUZ...
Finaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly I get u here;)
Thanks for taking out time for little moi' despite ur busy schedules...
Hey cloud 9...u know me well;)I do enjoy all my chases...just as much as I enjoy the game eventually....
Aaaaaaaahhhh...the games people play!;)

sulagna said...

hey Su..beleive me i have been there and done that !! but thankfully my prince charming with glemaing spectacles came after a couple of "no's"

i shall wait to hear more of the search :) :)

LOL LOL LOL

suruchi said...

Hi Su...
From one Su to another...
Feels goooooooooooooooood...
Tried finding u on Facebook...didn't get a match...find me there gurl n let's connect more...

Interesting it would be to know about ur prince charming...hmmmm;)
Would not make u wait longer though to know more about the few other frogs n how they croaked...;)
Hugs..n keep smiling:)

priya said...

rofl..gr8 post,loved the previous one too..but was lazy :P

Rishi said...

quick Q coz i'm gonna in the market in few months... (praying to GOD: plz plz extend for two more yrs at least.. we'll discuss it then...plz plz )

what should i guy do??

PS: i'm watching this space without a blink of an eye...

Vemuri said...

a friend of mine whom I met last week in India remarked that you write better than shoba de and she is a great fan of ur blog. FYI she is from Kerala and a London School of Economics alumnus (names Amritha) - she too feels you should publish a book

suruchi said...

Hi Priya...
Thanks...twist in the proverb here just for u...better lazy than never;)

Rishi...
What should a guy do?
Hmm..interesting..let's just say u gave me a dessert for thought coz I already had great food for that one...
Offo...matlab there's food for thought on how some friends I know floored the gal's folks upon meeting them the first time...Hopefully I'd blog on that soon...anyways...I am sure there are two years more for u before u need that advice from me;)
So for now...u can blink...n smile too:)

suruchi said...

Vemuri...Hi there..
Looooooooooong time but then good to see u around as usual...
U've been extremely kind n so it seems are the people around u...:)
Please thank Amritha from my side...
I hope to live up to such high standards that u set for me Sri...
Though please don't raise the bar any more...;)
N thanks for being a relentless friend:)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...