04 January, 2010
Hello, how are you doing? I am doing it on the Road!
I was walking along on my signature evening walk...talking to bhagwan ji. “Kya dude...earlier you used to give me so many sights and incidents to go home and write about...stalker on my walk, me getting a lift for my walking (yup, you heard it right...I’ve been guilty of “walking” in a car for a few brief seconds), finding couples in bushes...actual healthy green leaves waale bushes here ok...please rest your dirty minds, etc, etc...
But from so many days, nothing writable has been coming about.”
(Wow, my computer didn’t check me on the word ‘writable’...matlab it’s an actual word!)
Anyways, I was in my muse and devout quest for issues to rant on...when in my reverie, I almost bumped into a man. Not like a normal man...not abnormal either...Well, a man who decided to unzip and relieve himself, right at the edge of the road and make the plants sulk big time for this uncalled for shower. Thankfully my steps came to a screeching halt before I could get in ‘touch’ with anything and would later get a chance to say “ewwwwwwwww”. I almost said that anyways...I think even aloud...or at least every ghastly expression on my face did and every pore within me was screeching it...like an echo in the mountains...ewwwww.....ewwww......ewww...
Ok, I’ll stop with these irritating sound effects...I am sure you get the idea and the picture...now please don’t ask me for sizes here!
I moved on...scrunching my nose and eyes big time, clenching my fists and daring not to look back to apologize to the man for almost walking into his personal moment or for courtesy’s sake ask, did I withhold the flow or make him wet? Wtf...His ‘personal’ moment was just a public issue. He should be the one apologizing for subjecting innocent souls to such a horrendous display that might later lead to even more appalling imaginations....ughhhhhh...
I know, I know I am stopping here before you start imagining gross things! Kya aap log bhi...kya kya sochte ho yaar!
So I moved on...I know I said that in the beginning of the previous paragraph...but hello...I am still moving....
A few steps later...another man doing the honours...this time leaving prints on the wall...No wonder the exterior walls in India never need drying after whitewash...they are subjected to the curse of a lifelong drench!
But what yaar???????????????
Is it the cold that is causing a hyper activity of excretion or is the greenery too tempting a proposition to resist? Someone please tell them, this is not what the environmentalists mean when the holler ‘Return back to nature’. Please keep your nature’s call for your abodes that are more used to of seeing your vital parts. Like an actress in a movie objected... “What vital parts? All my parts are vital!” So make better use of that hand and stay covered outdoors...they say you can catch the cold from ALMOST ANY point exposed these days!
I thought I wouldn’t get third time unlucky again that evening...but na na...mein kuch socho n uska ulta na ho...Aisa to mere itihaas mein hua nahi aaj tak!
There again...a kilometre later...another son of some mother...who perhaps forgot to give him toilet manners...was caught red handed in the act. Never mind now if his hand was actually red or not...would you stop asking for graphic and colourful details....Ain’t the post rangeen enough?
Anyways, at first I thought it was a gardener in the bushes...but his hands seemed too far away from his lower body as though holding the nozzle of a pipe...Excuse now my detailed descriptions dear readers but I do have to get this picture out of my mind by sharing it (kehte hain ghum baatne se ghat jaata hain) so that it does not haunt me for the next 24 hours...uske baad I would forget it anyways...and you may spread the good word! Hehe...
Ok where was I? On the nozzle...oops on the issue of the nozzle...but then as I walked closer I realized there was no rubber pipe following it....and the water shower was also a trickle and I almost held my head in despair....
Why me today...again and again...boo hoo!
Meine pechle janam mein kaun se ache waale paap kiye the jo itne mein he mujhe chodh rahe ho aap god ji?
I was wondering if I would be able to use the loo in peace again after today or not! And this obnoxious man...what was he doing with his hands stretched so far out? Is it a show? His proclamation that size does matter...but then to what audience? People like me who care a f@#$ about it?
Guys, phuleeeeeeeeeeze...we know you are blessed...knew it since the days of Adam grandpa and Eve daadi. But don’t go around smugly proving it on every street corner. Worse then, or go about shaking hands with whomsoever you meet...and worst still, me having the habit of shaking EVERYONE’S hand when I meet him...eeeeeeeeeewwwwww...eeeeeeeeekkkkkssssss....holy s@#$ or rather not so holy pee!
Please be a little more discreet...There’s a reason why they are called private parts...a reason why even Salman Khan or Brad Pitt no matter how much they reveal...keep their izzat covered...well mostly!
Please don’t spread out your legs and stand on edges of almost anything with orgasmic pleasure on your faces.
Please don’t let the world know how you do it...knowing that you do it at home...is enough of a small mercy for us!
May we all be in peace! Amen!