Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

16 December, 2011

How bad can a little bit of Porn be?


I have a very dear friend who has shifted now to the States. When here he was a perennial source of my mirth and jollity for such was his life that epic blunders and wonders kept following him everywhere yes, kind of a carbon copy of me-I often joked that we are like twins separated by wombs. It is sad that he does not blog for his narration is exceptional and engrossing. Here is one of the leaves from his life that forms a memorable anecdote for me to always tease him with.

He (let’s call him Bhola, for this would get to his nerves for sure) was pursuing his further studies outside his quaint, little city and once was home during long vacations. His very small town had meagre sources of entertainment and his friends too had moved on to other parts of the country in search of greener pastures. So he decided to stack some actually a huge amount of porn in between his notes and bring along just in case the forlorn nights made him too lonely and the lovely simple damsels around got him too horny.

Now stashing them in the remote corners of his cupboard in the room, he went out one day to check on the developments in the city happening behind his back which basically means to check out the chicks for he cared a flying fig about the infrastructure-female structure is where his eyes stop for good. Little did he know his mommy dearest had decided to give him a surprise by introducing his chaotic room to some order. He returned home whistling in the evening struck by the smell of something alien-ish in the air. *Sniff, sniff* OHH MYY GOOD GAAAWD! Who the fuck unmessed the mess?

And immediately his popping out eyes went to the closed doors of the cupboard. In slow motion you can imagine him running now towards it with his head moving from side to side as sweat particles splattered around from the panic socked expressions of his countenance actually imagine a constipation stricken tensing of facial nerves here instead for a better understanding of the situation.

Gasping for breath, he flung open the doors in one jerky action and then picture the three times made close-up of his face with thrum-thrum-thrum imaginary backdrop thumping of the drum as happens in stupid Hindi serials. The underwear were washed, the posters of half naked women stuck on the insides were removed and worst-the notebooks were arranged in neat layers and despite moving the pages of all, there was not one CD falling out of any of them.

His first thought:
OMG-I paid half my month’s pocket money on them!
OMG-Some of them had the latest lesbian action!
OMG-How will I spend the rest of the fifteen nights here at home without them?
OMG-(never mind, too many FIRST thoughts there)
OMG-Mom!!!!????????!!!

He darted back to his mother like I do when I go to receive a phone call and end up chit chatting forgetting about milk kept on the stove for boiling not realizing that he had not thought over in his mind about what and how was he going to ask his sari clad, bindi adorning, haath mein puja ki thaali liye hue mom about it. He first took the thali from her hand lest it fell to the ground in the dramatic way shown in the movies, scattering the puja ka sindoor everywhere and extinguishing the diya because the “ghar ka chiraag” is too busy in such “mooh-kaala” activities.

He- Ma, er...did you find anything in my cupboard?
(Forget the “thank-you for cleaning my earthquake stricken zone” –ungrateful kids of this generation, I tell you)
Ma- You mean this? *And she took out the bundle of CDs from god knows where, arranged between her fingers like a neat stack of playing cards with just the right amount of cleavage popping out from each cover*

He- Ma...er...aaaa...mmmm?
Ma-So these are the sounds that I would get from you now? Quite expected! 
He- Maaaaa???? *Raising the tone in disbelief as though she’s the one doing the blasphemy here*
Ma- Yeh kya hain? *Now bringing in view a clothes-free Pamela Anderson look alike in terms of you-know-what for nobody cares two hoots about what is over them*

He- (thinking in his mind- These are the latest inventions of positions and intersections without conception but made for interjections) CDs hain ma...
Ma- I can see that...but what are they doing in your cupboard?
He- (thinking again- They should be "doing it" in the laptop and damn I should have used the laptop cover to stack them there instead) Ma, yeh notes hain!
Ma- Jhoot bol rahe ho ab?

He- Na ma na...These are Suraj’s CDs. I told him to send me the biology practicals ke CDs and by mistake he must have sent me these. I kept them away so that I could go back and return these for the originals *feeling super smug at his presence of mind*

Ma- Chee...beta, mein tumhare ma hoon!
He- Mujhe pata hain ma, meine kab DNA test maanga?
Ma- To yeh sab kar rahe ho Bombaye jaake?
He-  (Karne ka mauka he kahan mila-yeh to practise sessions hain) Ma, aap galat samajh rahe ho....
Ma- To dikha do kya hain is mein-theek se samajh lete hoon?

He- *Now raising an eyebrow at his ma’s intention in tension* Acha ab de do....aage se nahi karonga  (Me-Huh, matlab self service ki dukaan band aaj se?) and papa ko nahi bataana....
Ma- Ofcourse nahi bataana...woh TUMHAARE papa hain! Aur inko bhool jao...
She stomped off now leaving Bhola with the puja ki thaali and almost a KLPD!

And my teasing began at where she left him-
So mast na? Haaaw Bhola, imagine what and how she would have viewed you post this traumatic experience-

~Beta, bahut kamzoor ho gaya hain! (He must be overdoing THAT-I must ask Bhola ke papa to speak to him about IT)

~Itne garmi mein shorts ke jagah pajama pehna hain? (He must have just watched a CD and come...arre woh waala come nahi-Ram, Ram)

~Why is he taking so long in the bathroom? Why has he locked his room from inside? (Let me put my ears to the door to hear some moaning)

~Why is he moaning? (No he can’t have possibly slipped on the soap water left in his washroom-it has to be those karam jali kudiyan)

~Why is he refusing to get married? (Oh god, he’s having an affair with one of “those” girls...)

~Why is he insisting on twice cleaning of his room? (I must ask Shaarda bai to stop sending her daughter for cleaning and she should come instead-is ladke ka to kuch pata nahi)

Tch, tch...needless to say he never got the CDs back and whenever he grieved about them, I told him to chill, probably his mom and dad, alone in that drab town are having fun now thanks to him-aaj tak unhone sab sikhaya, kuch aap bhi unke knowledge expansion mein assistance karo! Or be positive, maybe someday when he gets married, his mom instead of handing the house keys on the first night to his bride would make her cup those CDs and say “Aaj se yeh tumhare haath mein hain-uske haath mein mat dena...” And stop looking for innuendos I am sure the poor mother won’t mean THAT what you are thinking!

And so poor Bhola, he never knew porn could land him in the Neverland-the land where he would never be seen without doubtful eyes by his ma or without mad leg pull by me!

53 comments:

Amit said...

haha, oh those days of adolescence fun and sexual awakening...now it all seems so old!!!!!!

☆ Rià ღ said...

Oh poor Bhola! I sometimes feel good abt the fact that I m a woman coz atleast I didn't have to go thru such embarrassing situations. :P ;)

Spaceman Spiff said...

"Arre woh wala come nahi"! :D :D :D :D Hahaha!! Ayyo!!

And this dude should serioulsy start blogging. :)

TheGirlAtFirstAvenue said...

hahaha "meine kab DNA test maanga" :D haha this is hilarious! "arre woh waala come nahi-Ram, Ram"
Poor Bhola! I feel so bad for him!

maithili said...

Poor bhola!!
Beta, bahut kamzoor ho gaya hain! lol :D :D :D
I second spiff that this bhola should start blogging!!

Raghu said...

rofl..!!! many of th guys do get caught like tht..;-)

Vinod Vyas said...

He had great presence of mind!! They were infact cds of Biology practicals.

Nice,entertaining post :-)

Nikhil Menon said...

LOL

Dr Roshan R said...

Hehe.. I think every guy at some stage or the other has come across some such situation... the more bhola they pretend to be, the more bigger the stacks between the books :)

TheBluntBlogger said...

When will mums learn :D

when I got the computer for the first time, I didn't know how to clean the history of the browser and we had got the internet recently....

Someone had given me a porn link, I opened, got scared, closed the browser but, history --- remained :-/

The same day, the guy who set up my computer was to visit and I did not want him to question me about the link. I know how badly I wanted to clean the history, finally I did! :D

Now, I surf in private mode :D

Purba said...

These are the latest inventions of positions and intersections without conception but made for interjections)Guffawed the loudest at this!

And that's why they say ignorance is bliss :D

SUB said...

LMAO....Poor poor bhola....

your narration is so funny...

Justbcos2pplfellinlove said...

ROFL....good presence of mind by bhola:):)..

--Raghu

Mirage said...

Why Suruchi why??? Why did you name him Bhola??? It is my surname. :P
*Thank god it wasn't me* :D

Hahaha...karamjali kuydiya. But good way to escape, Mr. Bhola.

And that 'Biology ke notes maange the' wala excuse toh by god...ab main kya bolu..
Haha!!

Lady Whispers said...

Wow what an awesome post :)
You forever make me smile lady :D
And ur friend should indeed blog :P

ROFLing still :D

PeeVee™ said...

While on one hand, I laughing so hard... It's the worst nightmare of every single person who has ever watched porn to be caught by their parents:D I feel sorry for him though:P

On the other hand, I have two brothers - one is 15 and the other turns 13 in January. Haye Ram o_O

Suruchi said...

@Amit,
Hain na...where did good old days go- I have so much more mischief in mind left on my to-do list but would so want my younger days for it;-)


@Ria,
Haha...and you think women/girls don’t watch porn?
Apparently they do even more than the guys!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Spaceman Spiff,
This dude told me the story fleetingly, I added a bit of mirch masala n yes he should...Bhola, Y U NO listen?:-)


@Chandana,
Don’t feel bad for Bhola-he is not that Bhola after all and would have managed something else to pass the rest of the fifteen nights there:-)


@Maiths,
Together we can and we will make a difference:-)

Suruchi said...

@Raghu,
Haaaw, to why aren’t the guys more careful?


@Vinod n Nikhil,
Thank you ji:-)


@Rosh,
Poor Bhola people...ek to bechaare sirf dekh-dekh kar kaam chala rahe hain n yet they don’t get your sympathies:-)

Suruchi said...

@Chints,
And I still don’t know how to clear the history or surf in private mode-par koi na, itne zindagi beet gaye...aage bhi nikal he jaayege:-)


@Purba,
I am so glad you guffawed:-)
And yes, sometimes it is!

Suruchi said...

@SUB n Justcos2pplfellinlove,
Thank you so much!


@Mirage,
Awww...koi na, sab Bhole ek jaise thode na hote hain...and all said n done, this Bhola is one of a kind:-)

Suruchi said...

@Lady Whispers,
Thank you for forever smiling...makes me grin here in retrospect:-)


@PeeVee,
If there are anything like you-they wuld survive and so would you:-)

Bikramjit said...

OH MY GOD.. how did you know .. NO TELL ME
how did you know .. THis is a blast from the past..and I remember getting a nice thrashing from DAD.. When this happened ..

OH YES my room was unmessed and everything gone .. yes all those from under the mattress tooo .. and the ones tucked under the bed in those ropes

and No thank god she did not keep anything to be given to my partner or anything .. it was just a nice thrashing and NO Talk after that :)
you get the hint all shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Thankfully I went ot hostel soon and stayed thee for a long long time ...

But My room of yes it was full of posters all four walls and the roof too.. the full length of Samantha fos and The tennis player Gabreila Sabattini :) ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh naiceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


They were HOT...
Bikram's

pygmalion said...

hilarious! my laughing therapy for the month is done:)
Hahaha the best of all .. Neverland ...loved it ..loved it all

I never knew about clearing surfing history and I had given my laptop to my own husband's friend for formatting........ later on when i learnt about history, I was history!!! yukkkkk , now I clear religiously:)
Bhola series may be a great idea.. awaiting more.. haha and the sollioquy's in the anecdote is simply brilliant.. Bhola must indeed be a great narrator and you suru, a terrific writer!

Writing Bee said...

Hahaha!! Poor him to be in the worst ever possible situation!! But I guess all boys, all, watch porn!! I guess its part of their genes :P

Alka Gurha said...

With a son aged 20 I am supposed to know all this...how come you are privy to this reality...?
I tell you some situations are shocking for any mom.....
Only yesterday I found a bottle of Pepsi hidden in the closet..and I have my doubts if it is pure Pepsi.....Sad part is cant question or else I will loose my tag of a cool mom.

Red Handed said...

hehehehehehehe my mother has already started spying on my brother :P. Just 14 yr old :D
Great post!!!!
And I wish he too blogged. U narrate exceptionally well!

Rachit said...

LOL... never had to went through all this.. God Saved Me.. :P

Weakest LINK

Sairam said...

Tchi! Tchi! What is this suruchi?
I will log in as anonymous and tell you which lines I liked the most.

Anshul Dutt said...

This was almost like reading my own story, In my case, it wasn't my mom but kaamwaali bai who found the magazines and threatened to tell to my parents. My elder brother intervened and saved me from embarrassment. NB those magazines belonged to him and in a way, he saved his ass.
"These are the latest inventions of positions and intersections without conception but made for interjections" - I am stilling laughing at this line and it totally owns the post :D

Keirthana said...

Ha ha ha ha :)Hilarious! I wonder why he is not blogging with such interesting incidents in his life...

Mani Lalwani said...

hehe.. lets call him BHOLA for he will get irritated the most by it. bahut sahi :D

loved the brisk narration and the "bechare bhola ka byankar KLPD moment."

I remember a similar incident of my first year college when a friend after getting very high a late night called her "maa" instead of her girlfriend "mala" and whined of how he had been failing and not at all studying for the last 1 year as he couldnt concentrate. His clever maa kept hmming him. He was called back to his home next day by his father and then we didnt see him for next week. :D
no prizes for guessing what would have happened!

keep writing :)

buckingfastard said...

haha...well my first porn cd...oddly named "tarzan" got stuck in the cd player in midst of action due to power cut.....ohh that was a horrendous day for engineering when i had to half dismantle the cdplayer to get the cd out before parents came back home...so long for an erection :/

Tanvi said...

Hahaah! Indian parents and their dramatic reaction to anything related to 'sex' ... Poor Bhola!

Can you imagine if the same had happened to a girl? Found porn in her cupboard! She would be killed on the spot :P

♡ from © tanvii.com

shantanu said...

lol!! this is funny...n amazingly written :)

Jack said...

Suruchi,

I have all my sympathies are with him. One side is his mother and on other side is your goodself. Poor boy! However anything within limits is Ok, isn't it?

Take care

Ameena said...

You crack me up....and Indian parents are crazy under normal circumstances. Anything sex-related throws them into overdrive!

Thousif Raza said...

well i always hid it better... in the virtual format... Mom dint know much abt hidden folders so its was a blessing in disguise... see what i did there ;)... these kinda things r most common but got to know the ma point of view which was completely different and very interesting ... <3'd it :)

Take care and keep writing......

joshi daniel said...

lol

Shady said...

Rules for storing Porn

1. If you have it in CD someone will find it

2. If you have it on hard drive some one will format it .

I have directory structure and file extension renaming system to keep them all safe

☆ Rià ღ said...

ha ha mebbe the trick is in not getting caught! ;) :P

Sakshi said...

Oh man, this is absolutely relatable, since Shayon darling's dad removed the porn folder in computer 'by mistake', absolutely amazing ;)
Love your sense of humor :D

kiran said...

LOL!LOL!LOL!

INCREDIBLE NARRATION!
Hilarious and enertaining:)

Suruchi said...

@Biky,
Haha-aap bhi fasse the-how come, I thought you were smarter than that?
And things tucked under the mattresses and in the ropes-my gawd, height of innovation:-)

And toofan waale shaanti-lol! And you reminded me of Samantha Fox-man, she was on the walls of most of my cousins! She was something:-)



@Writing Bee,
Boys and porn can be used as synonyms...really!:-)

Suruchi said...

@Alka,
I knew Alks that guys watch porn...just that the situations they sometimes end up in because of this are startling:-)
Awww...and cool mom, kya karna hai question karke about the pepsi bottle...if there is something fishy in it, the fish would not go away na...just keep a check for bigger things or if heaven forbid, it gets worse from here!:-)


@Red,
14 is good-they tell me they begin young;-)

Suruchi said...

@Pygy,
Thank you and seems like “history” n all is a big issue-need to learn how to clear that although don’t think even if someone read my history it would bother my geography too much-I am like those barking dogs who seldom bite!:-P
And Bhola series does sound like a great idea-thank you, for the food for thought:-)


@Rachit,
You are god’s own lucky child...let’s hope the luck continues....never too old to err:-)

Suruchi said...

@Sairam,
Haaaaaaaaaaw...I kept waiting for you to log in as anonymous and tell me which lines you like the most *waiting still* :-)


@Anshul,
Bechari kaam waali bai-I hope she did not need therapy to counter the torture or latest editions of the magazines to feed to it;-)
I am glad you liked the line-I am quite proud of it :D

Suruchi said...

@Kairthana,
Thank you...he used to blog but is now on a loooooooooong sabbatical. I hope he bounces back too:-)


@Mani,
Bhola ke KLPD moment nahi re-aap to Bhola ko bhadka rahe ho...
Ho jaata hain kabhi kabhi-aakhir Bhola insaan nahi hote?:-)
What you described could vouch in that category for sure!

Suruchi said...

@Buckingfastard,
“so long for erection”-mad you are:-)
And “Tarzan”-really!!!!!!!!!


@Tanvi,
I know...the situation if this were a girl would have been quite a misery...and yes, parents need to accept this as a part of their growing children’s life:-)

Suruchi said...

@Jack,
It’s not like the poor guy is sandwiched or something Uncle Jack...anything in limits is fine...but who’s to set the limits?:-)


@Ameena,
Exactly...anything in wraps is good-anything in open is bad:-)

Suruchi said...

@Thousif.
Haha...I guess everyone’s smart enough to introduce folders now and mums however new age, are duh enough to not know their way through these:-)


@Joshi,
:-)


@Shady,
My god, this sounds like a well hatched plan:p

Suruchi said...

@Ria,
That sure is the trick...but like in every other trade, it is often lesser known or plain simple unlucky on some days:-)


@Sakshi,
Shayon’s dad removed the porn folder??????????? Lol :-)


@Kiran,
Thank you so much:-)

rwdy.Rascal said...

awesome work and hilarious writing.. looking forward to more

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...