Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

17 January, 2010

Things I Kinda Hate!


When you really like reeeeeeeeally wanna pee and your bloody naada of the salwaar decides to get knotted in a gaanth at just that moment...wt bloody f! (It’s your supreme moment of pain when your legs wriggle n fingers juggle n the rest of the body parts...aaaa....I better not tell you about the rest of the body parts)

When you know that they won’t understand you but you still keep saying ‘f@#$ off’ to the mosquitoes who decide to hum in your ears with all the excitement in their tiny lungs at the proposition of keeping you from sleep (Hellooo...I said ‘f@#$ off’ and not ‘f@#$ me’ okay...get an education n so stop flirting with me mosqy...
Grrr...I am from a different species all together!)

When I have typed a loooooooong (I am stretching it show how long...most of us females understand the length better when things are stretched)...okay so long mail response to a friend...
All geared to impress with my wittiest comments and on the spot brilliant rendition...I grin with smug pride and my mind’s telling me...“You are too good Suruchi” (Imagine this in slow motion with screeching opera music in the background). I am about to press the save button...with a deep breath as though I am ‘saving’ the world! But just then my computer ji decides to crash for a few minutes and make me lose it all (It’s just like imagine you are at the height or peak or explosion of a mind blowing physical act and someone decides to knock at your door as though his bloody life depended on it...Ouch, yup, thaaaaat bugging! Oops and ya, add the physical-act-disturbance case to this list too...People, there are other and better ways to control the population!)

When I decide to dress down for a party, thinking that people there would not be too formal, but there dressed to kill, cute hoity toities look down on me as though I were Cinderella without her magic wand wonder...As if saying ‘Ewww...Did she come here straight from the bed?’ And when I connive to dress up as a lickable cake, with all the artillery suited to win any over the top battle...I still get the looks that scream “What’s with her...did she think she was the host or something?” (Dress up n dress down...who the f@#$ tells us to waste our dressing skills on parties and women anyways?)

When I am in the middle of a very important job (now...it could be any job...why get prejudiced or presumptuous here just because I mention the word “job” with no connotations what so ever of any word before it) that needs my fullest of attention and just then a lizard decides to saunter into my range of vision on the room’s wall...And boy I’m screwed...by the presence of the lizard and NOTHING else. My eyes travel along with her...to and fro after every two seconds till it bids me good bye and leaves the room...or f@#$in worse decides to stay, for like me, it loves being stared at which it interprets as being ogled...wtf! (It just takes a lizzy to make me dizzy...hmm...I have to stop my obsession of wanting to rhyme things before my sexual preferences are called in doubt)

A woman with big errr...mmm...you know those round things which move ahead of her...like they reach the finishing line in a race, way before she does...actually they ensure she is not a runner or at least not a high jumper...Like they make you wonder if they are for real or is there a padded console or stuffing or surgery to blame...Doesn’t she topple over those when she walks?
Like how you guys wish...as they make you sigh when she wears a backless blouse, thinking ‘why couldn’t she have worn it the other way round, just by mistake?’ Alrite now...time to stop being prudish...I guess anything beyond a mouthful is quite a waste...
So big women stop looking down on the ‘normal’ ones....nope we didn’t use Clearsil there by mistake and nope we don’t think we are lemons either just because you choose to be a puffed up watermelon (Phew! Some people can be so ‘full’ of themselves!)

I suck at technicalities...I think that’s a general knowledge issue with those who know me well...if you want me to get lost just suggest some technical steps that I should take to freak the life out of me...And for a change I would have the zapped and zipped expression on my face instead of the Smart Aleck one. I don’t know how this blog transpired here...ask me about making it high tech and I just might chose to leave the blogosphere instead! It took me like a 100 years to fathom how to upload a picture here and another 50 to make the picture come in between the texts. (They should have a step-by-step guide for nerds like me!). Tell me to go googling to find reservations for a vacation on the net and I just might (only for two seconds though) think that vacations can be injurious to health.
Now I really want to give bloggie awards to fellow bloggers (sans the paparazzi pictures of course, where I could have smiled coyly handing down a trophy or better still taking one...with my palms on my cheek and OMG-I-can’t-believe-this expression reeking off my pores) ...but, but, but...not my butt...just life’s sucking but...I don’t know how to!

I absolutely detest making calls to find information or get errands done...like calling up the gas agency to tell that the pipe is leaking...the mechanic for the washing machine is not working (wtf...can’t you make machines that run on like forever?)...the BSNL office when my internet decides to die on me. I first try to revive it by saying... ‘Nahhhhin, tum mujhe chodh ke nahi ja sakte...kya meine isse din ke liye tumhe paal poos kar bada kiya tha?’
But when it dies even more on hearing me croon these c-grade dialogues, I make those dreaded calls.

‘Madam, please tell us if the WLAN is blinking?’
‘Sir, I am blinking n blinking but I’d be damned if I know where to find that light!’
‘Okay got to the settings...there would be a button called ‘wtf’ (that’s my understanding of it by the way...the guy is not horny), press it n a page would open...change ‘screw’ tab to ‘god save me here’ and blah blah blah...I am too busy gasping for air by this time to fidget any more with my fingers!
‘Hello, hellooooooooo...madam is there someone educated in the house who can understand what I am saying?’
‘Grrrrr...Damn you...you bloody ‘sadhe hue pakode ke nok ke gilgille badbodaar pyaz ke chilke’...you call MY education skills in question...you know I bloody write a blog!
I don’t say that people...so stop expecting a retaliation here where he may turn around to call me “O madam...you ‘modernity ke naam pe khaak mein mila kaala gudda hua messy daddhu sa dhabbha’
I instead coax and seduce my beloved to follow up with the rest of the procedures....better to get laid in the sack than screwed on the phone!


Okay the post has already run out its length...
So in a quickie wrap up, some more things I hate:
The sound when nails are scratched upon an iron surface...that would almost make me scrunch my face, how you would do with yours when that first piece of shit refuses to get out of your body no matter how hard you push!

I hate it when little babies first act pricey and refuse to come to you in front of an audience of like a hundred people judging you and when they do come obligingly, they chose to piss on you before they leave, just to piss you off more...

I detest having to eat tinda, karela, kaddu and some other god-forbid unpronounceable names of vegetables, every f@#$in day and night for a week...perhaps god’s way for making up for the mess he created after bringing in the ‘forbidden’ apple!

I absolutely grill n grind when a guy I like and am flirting with chooses to ignore me (doesn’t happen too often by the way, just to set the record straight) and worst still actually comes up with corny ‘drop-off’ lines (Is there a term like that...I assumed the opposite of ‘pick-up’ lines would do here!) Some people just don’t have the taste, do they? So just one last word here...Guys, those who like me...raise their hands and those who don’t...raise your standards!

35 comments:

kuldeep said...

Suruchi ji,padhne ke sath imagination chalti gayi n i kept laughing...aap bahut achha likhti hain...

suruchi said...

Kuldeep ji..
Thaaaaaaaaaank u...
Aap aaye hamare blog pe...khuda ke something something hain...kabhi hum aapko kabhi apne blog ko dekhte hain:-)
Imagination chalne bhi chahiye...woh hain he chalne ke cheez;-)

Joe said...

i laughed my pants off :-))..

Weirdo guy said...

bwahahaha.. that was funny


but just to set the record straight- we males have never wished that the backless blouse be back to front on the above mentioned female homo sapiens....

yes never


okay maybe once


er twice


ah who am i kidding... we are all a bunch of horny idiots..

:P

P.S the adult-y innuendoes were really witty !!

sobhit said...

"When you really like reeeeeeeeally wanna pee and your bloody naada of the salwaar decides to get knotted in a gaanth at just that moment..."

wot an opening phrase 2d post
LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHHAAHA..... LOL
hahahahahahahhahahahahah
tho it can b really horrific on second thot :P
now i wont go in2 discussing dat LITERALLY :P....

n who can relate d sexual intimacies wid a mosquito but u my dear MADAM ;P.... u sure educating alot..... mext try not 2 speak wid d mosquito 4 dey still hvnt evolvd 2 understnds humans :P.. jst thot wud share dis peice of info.... :P :P... hehe

now d computer hanging part sure sux.. specially wen u come up wid a witty comment n dat is lost due 2 technicalities ... i dnt feel lyk commnting den.. hopefully nothin lyk dat hapnd on ur posts yet :D...

dunno y d party n dresses is such issue wid u ladies.. i care d least wen goin 2 parties... jst go eat drink have a gud laf n come back home.... still gues dats sm issue wid d fairer sex.. but i nvr really heard ne guy sayin or thot lookin at a backless female n hopin she wore it 2 gv d frontless effect,,,,tho now dat u hv pointed out... it sure mite mk evn a bttr site ;P....

now few lines here n der.... like lemons n watermelons....d knock on d door..(dat wud b frustating :P),,, female n stretched lenghts.... bwwuwuahahahahahahah..n d lizzy dizzy sure tk d blog award 4m me... sure d baby pissing u off literally .. dats anothr 1...

so in all kool read... sure d expectation level goes up evn more.. but am sure u will manage 2 tk it beynd dis..

"Guys, those who like me...raise their hands and those who don’t...raise your standards! " interesting line 2 end jst d way u strtrd it.. seems sm1 is used 2b d limelite f evrywhre n all d tym... hmmmm dats interesting... tho excess of nething is injurious 2 health my frnd ;P...

suruchi said...

@Joe n Weirdo Guy...;-)
We are all a bunch of horny idiots yaar...just that u guys get more to ogle at our skin but keep yourselves covered...:-(
Warna we could have beaten you at the ogling any day...
Btw...why don't they make backless shirts...or rather trousers for men...should sell like hot cakes!;-)

suruchi said...

@Sobhit...I so wanted to write a serious one...but thought of u n thought of going mad again...the kinda appreciation I get from you...I forget I could ever be serious about anything;-)

Thank god we didn't go "down" on some literal discussions:-)
Thanks also for the info on the mosqy bit...whoo..no wonder they don't listen to me..tch..
Kahan the aap pehle...mujhe is andhkaar se baahar kyon nahi nikaala;-)

N that backless blouse bit...believe u me I heard it with my own ears...ji ji...mere apne kaano se...aur mein apne female behno pe is bhookhe aankhon ke hamle ka kadva ghoot chup chap pe gaye...hehe:-)

Ur expectation levels would kill me some day...do leave a RIP Suruchi if that happens;-)

N limelight limelight, where art thou...I'm here;-)

unohu said...

more thn a mouthful...now who wud make a foolish comment as tht.....worse still....blasphemous thought......more the merrier is the magic word lassie....

getting better.....aur aapko kaun "drop off" kar sakta hai.....

Weirdo guy said...

backless trousers for men ??!!


my mother doesn't even let me wear half pants... sigh

suruchi said...

Dear unohu...
Yup..what a fool...n phir log kehte hain ke yaad nahi karte...karte hain to dekho kya nazaara hota hain;-)

Hmm...blasphemous n foolish...
But since when did the magic words change my lad?;-)

Getting madder is more like it...n kiya "drop off" bhagwaan ke kasam...But woh rona dhona phir kabhi...;-)

suruchi said...

@WG..I bet there's something sexy about those legs that she wants them to be under wraps...;-)
Listen to her then...
Better to be robed than mobbed...
(It doesn't really rhyme or make sense I know...magar was sounding kinda cool)

But then half pants are super cool yaar...tell her skin show never hurts anyone...look what it did to Rakhi Saawant!!!!!!!!!!!

Once she gets around...we'd get her to coax u to try on the backless trousers too;-)
Where there is a will, there is a way...way too cute legs;-)!

....... said...

:)

Ankur"Aqis" Narula said...

BLOG GODDESS tussi gr8 ho......tohfa kabool karo......amazingly....adventurous read......

suruchi said...

......
:-)

@Ankur...ji bilkul kabool hain...aise tohfe hum yun he jaane nahi dete...;-)
U know the "blog goddess" address anyways makes my day, every time:-)

shikha said...

:-)) suruchi...u r wasting !!!!! n don't u dare correct my angrezi..for heaven's sake wake up..ur expression is amazing..pardon me vivek for stealing ur line here..suruchi stop goofing and get down to some serious writing pleeeeeease

suruchi said...

Hehe...ji Shiks...
Mein to get down ho jaaonge serious writing pe...par writing serious hone pe get down he nahi hote...:-(
Oho...dekha...serious bolte hoon to I rarely make sense..like above...:-)

I am sure Vivek would pardon u waise...
Aapko kisse ne bataya ke heere ke sachchi kadar hain aapko?;-)

I do try...but somehow feel I like the knowledge base to go after such a thing..would try though for sure...:-)hugs

Rishi said...

both of my hands r raised

suruchi said...

Awwww...Rishi:-)
I was so tempted to add that unforgetable line of "azaadi meri dulhan hain"...lol...
U don't know with how much force n ferocity I applied restraint there;-)

Okay..now u can get the hands down..or else they'd think I put u through it on gun point:-)

Cinderella said...

Suruchi, Your sense of humor is awesome!!!

I wonder how women with big jugs live, so damn inconvenient. I mean not just for them for the guys, they bloody wont look at their faces ever! Thats bad. I have fren who took the help of meds so she could bloat up there and boy she did or what?!!! Ghastly! But she's proud of it..lol!!

buckingfastard said...

bah!!! who ever told u we like blouse ulta!! we want it abolished altogether!!

i love talkin to call centre gals!! i say i m lonely!! ppl say i m psycho :?(

who asked women to wear salwar..wen god already came up wid mini skirts!!! modernize species!!!

suruchi said...

@Cin...hey gurl...n ur sense of poetry is to die for...such depth..amazing...:-)so another mutual admiration society there;-)

N women with jugs...I guess we'd let them be happy with their own inflated selves...we have better things to boost,right?;-)
Lol..I can imagine the ghastly bit there though...;-)

@buckingfastard...
Hello again...
I guess the men's world may have changed in the four days since I put up this post...for then...covering the bare essentials with the bare minimum was more appealing n hell "raising"..;-)

Haha..I like ur radical ideas...
Yup,yup...species modernize...
Hey did u read my modern idea of a backless trouser for u guys?
Food for thought...:-)

Ankur said...

absolutely loved it... absolutely!!!

if i were running a magazine or paper... u were hired Suruchi ji for a daily column!!!

impressive!!

Cheers!

Ankur said...

and i love when the lil babies do all the nakhra... wow man i imagined them!
they just look adorable..i just wanna pull their cheeks! :D

suruchi said...

@Ankur...hi...
Thank u so much...coming from a deep thinker like u...means something..
And please woh "ji" hata deejeye from after my name...doesn't suit me at all...;-)

And the little babies bit...hehe...u made me imagine that too:-)
Keep visiting..n more important...keep writing:-)

Ankur said...

well... ji suits everyone, its so lovable afterall Suruchi ji! ;) :D

and no no... am no deep thinker. majak na udao yaar.
:P

and i love babies, thats the problem... i just adore them and i miss all the babies back home! :(

suruchi said...

Hmmm..."JI" bilkul Ankur ji...
Naah..it sounds pathetic on u...matlab not that you are not respectable enough..it just doesn't go with certain names...

Like "ji" goes well with...Lalita ji, Kavita ji, Savita ji, Madhumita ji, etc...so sorry girls if u have these names...my point is the names ending with "i" don't go well with ji...
Period...
If I talk more of this nonsense Ankur...I'll lose whatever little of a fan base that's formed...
who'll think I've lost my marbles;-)

P.S.Mazaak nahi udaya yaar...mazaak bhi koi udane ke cheez hain...udana he hoga to kabootar udaongi...not ur mazaak...so chill....

N about missing babies back home...awwwww...get working fast on those matrimonial responses n have a houseful of them;-)
Cheers!:-)

Ankur said...

hehehe what analogy! :P
ji nahi bilkul bhi nahi ji... :P
aisa billkul nahi hai ji ki i ke saath ji nahi jaata... balki i ke baad j aata hai and ulta karo toh ji ho jaata hai! :P

well kabootar... hmmm... mujhe nahi pata tha ki aap bhi daler paji jaisa sochti ho! :|

hahahaha ;)

well, i dont wanna have a housefull of them, one daughter will be more than enough! :D
but i will love ot have twins... biwi ka soch kar ruk jaata hoon! hehehehe

Jokes apart, actually u know my nani calls everyone with ji, even her kids and me too! :D

and nahi yaar... back home i have a cousin, bahut nakhre karta hai. he is 5 years old and he just have demands! :P
wo baat nahi karta hai aajkal koi lalach nahi do toh... uske apne funde hai. lol

chalo chalo bahut hua bakwas... am off! :D

cheers!

suruchi said...

Hehe...What an idea na sir ji!;-)
N woh ulta karo n seedha karo mein my head kinda spins...so I stick to my point...koi aur exercise hain to bataeyega ji...:-)

Mein Daler paji..as in hindi waala "paaji kahin ka" jaise bilkul bhi nahi sochte...:-(
Oye helloooooo...Salman Khan ne bhi kabootar udhaye the...
Hmm...I could have said Bhagyashree...but I think I'd rather be the kabootar instead...
N though I don't like my gender transformation to Salman Khan...chalo, as long as it implies I am hot n happening n I don't need to take off my shirt...;-)

Awwwww...twins n a daughter...wow...shoo sweet...but biwi ka soch kar rukna?
Hmmm...just sent my mind horses running my friend at "kahan" rukna...hehe..;-)

Arre n don't go off...keep the bakwaas on...
Tell that 5 year old cousin to talk to u...warna mera naam le lena...
Door kahin jab bache sote nahi hain na to ma-ien bolte hain "so ja, so ja nahi to Suruchi aa kar blog suna jaayege..." and that puts them off to sleep immediately;-)

Now counter this on the bakwaas meter:-( isse kehte hain asli bakwaas!;-)

Ankur said...

head spin karne ke liye hi idea dala tha na! :P
so just trying do that again... see i have made this song also for u...
i ke aage j aata hai
j ke peeche i
aage peeche karte karte
ji ji ho ye jaaye
:P


and exactly kabootar Salman ne udaye the, and shirt bhi usne hi utari... shucks... :P
well... nowdays star utaro a lot many things and not just shirt... and aajkal ki ladkiyan shirt pehanti hi kahan hai... bhool gayi big boss 3??? :P

kahan rukna hehehhee
:P well, kehte hai jitni chadar ho utne hi panv felane chaiye! ;)

It was night 1 am and if i wouldnt have gone, then i were doomed! :P
arre he talks, bus uske nakhre bahut hai.. he is my jaan so baat toh karni hi padegi! :D

suruchi said...

Awwww...a song for me...
Tedha medha hain...but koi na...mera hain;-)

Jai ho maharaj
Or should I say..ji ho maharaj..;-)

Shucks...arre aapke wahan aaj kal ke ladkiyan shirt nahi pehente?
Hooooooow haaaaaaaaaiii...what a shirtless country u live in!;-)

Hamare gaon mein to abhi bhi vastra he gehna hota hain...
Ufffffff...two things now that i can't believe
No.1.I made such a corny line...woh gehna bit...eewwww
No.2 I don't believe we are conversing like out in the terrace with the whole mohalla watching over...
I am almost tempted to add here...can we talk all this on national television...oops matlab on national world wide web...oho..matlab not national...matlab...!@#%^^%$#...whatever...matlab samajh aa gaya na?

And yeh lo...biwi aaye nahi...koi abhi prospective line mein bhi nahi hain...and chadar pehle faila le intezar mein..hehe;-)

Hope u spoke to the little one...and we'll save this conversation for when he grows up to show kitnaaaaaaaa loving the his chachu/mamu/bhaiyya...then we can have a tearful reunion scene...:-)lols

sulagna said...

suruchi reading the nada ka ganth was deja vu~..bilkul deja vu ho gaya and i felt every minute of pain you wrote about :)

damn the bladder

Cinderella said...

"Better things to boost" !!

LMAO!! I hear ya!

suruchi said...

@Su..hi...aap der aaye durust aaye:-)

And woh naada tragedy naah...yup..
A cute friend suggested we should adorn zipper salwaars instead...
Made sense at first...but then nonsense...remembered the "women's" tragedy then...
Zipper pants se bhi kya bhala hoga...
All god's are males...hence proven:-(

@Cin....;-)
U got me right;-)

Vagabond said...

loong!!! but apt!!!
god you take words out of my mouth!
=)

suruchi said...

Hi Vagabond...
"Long and apt" is like the story of my life...:-(
Wonder when I would be able to write in brief...
Till then I would have to manage doing it in my salwar..
Oops...very poor joke...
;-)
Thanks gurl:-)

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