Ever felt like you’ve walked ahead but a part of you has still remained behind?
Ask me...I feel that almost everyday...I need to check every time if my butt has followed me while I moved on or would it still be a while till it catches up!
I am always on a roll in my gym...exercising my guts out. It feels great when people come up and say, “Excuse me, you exercise a lot...you have the stamina for a marathon!”
Actually, in a confession mode, I do have a very flexible body...I believe if I try really hard I could fold and fit myself in a box...that’s a different story if you ask me about the dimensions of the poor box.
A blogger friend of mine once reacted on a post, (I think that would be you again Amnn...gawsh, mentioning you in two posts...back to back...Is it your lucky month or what! Hehe!)
Okay, he said, “My god...you gym, you walk...What’s next?”
And I had said, “Err...how about losing some god-damn weight?”
And then another morning, another question (What a blissful world it would be when we’d just stop establishing the f@#$in inquiry counters, that everyone in India is born with the skill to pop out with, after anything and everything you may say!):
“You are very regular to the gym...How is it going?”
And I ironically retorted, “Well, that’s the problem you see...I go to the gym every bloody day...my legs go to the dogs everyday (not literally, stop imagining any licking action)...hours go by as I tread on the mill...treadmill...size goes from L to XL...my khoon paseene ke kamai goes whoosh out of my pocket at every subscription or shoes bought (for they refuse to take my weight anymore...I could swear that I’ve heard my pair talking to each other
But the f@#$in weight, which is supposed to go, is just not ‘go’ing and clinging to me like second skin...actually first skin...the original sin...aaah...whatever!”
A dear friend of mine who saw me on facebook after ages remarked, “Wow Suruchi! You’ve reeeeeeeeally thinned down!” (Such statements I never really understand how to react to...they make you wonder na, how fat you actually were in the first place to deserve such an emphatic tone and raised exclamation! And simultaneously fear OMG let me not return back to that!)
I whined in reply, “Na na...I have just thinned ‘up’ yaar. When would I bloody thin ‘down’? Boo hoo!
You know what...sometimes I feel how wonderful it would be if people could see just my top half...I am perfect here...not Pamela Anderson people...she’s obnoxious (god’s wrath on mankind...in a merciless and choking attempt to crush those who get caught in between them. It’s like a woman with two arses...one behind at the bottom where it should be and one in front at the top where it seems to have mysteriously connived and reached...threatening to explode out at enough pressure as that of a blink of her eyelid...I mean does anyone know ANYTHING else about her?)
Damn...ting, ting...Oye writer sahiba, please remember this is not a boob post...it’s a butt post...focus, focus...
Arre...and you bhaisaab...focus only on the lines my dear reader, get Pamela out of there!
And just in case you do need to get imaginative here to get the ‘broader’ picture...let me tell you, I could pass of as someone with a nice Indian hour-glass figure, especially if I don’t decide to get up from the table...
And there, when I do, my bottom half comes to full view...hey, somewhat like a dollop of an ice cream scoop on a cone...only just imagine the cone upside down (Do I really need another human being to completely humiliate myself? No I don’t...I excel in screwing myself and walking with my very own pao=feet on the kulhaadi=axe! @#$!@^$#@%...that was for myself...mein aur mere tanhaaye aksar ek doosre ko ya mereko gaaliyan dete hain!)
I think it’s the gravitational force that is working with all its mettle, concentrating just on my lower outline...it keeps bringing all the weight down. Or my mother must have eaten just pears when she had me in her tummy and my little dim brain would have construed it as the only shape to be!
While growing up I thought I could become a VJ because:
No.1 I could talk till I drop
No.2 I am nautanki reincarnated...or if she never existed as a person before....born to life!
No.3 (And most importantly) They appear just waist up on screen...
But it turned out to be a wasted idea when I saw them running about on field work too, as lanky as undernourished specimens from Somalia (I mean, my premise of life and a career in that was rudely shaken...I was awoken and heart broken...They actually use the rest of the body too and not just their hands and mouth...in veejaying that is! Who would have thought?)
And just when I just about make my peace with my back ‘biting’ on me...the world mercilessly brings me ‘back’ to square one...or rather ‘round two’ or the two rounds....
Another statement awaited me this morning. I was grinding myself on the cross trainer when in walked my brother (who happens to have lost 16 kgs in half a year...Nalaayak...lost all the traditional, inherited, heirloom kinda weight, but gained a pompous overflowing ego of a narcissist model instead...I mean hamare Kapoor khaandaan ke pushtaine bada pichwaada is as must an accessory as say a moustache is for a Rajput)
Anyways, he was lifting weights (no not his own...he prefers to throw it around) just behind me and viewed my rear side...
Not as in view-view...but then as in a thunder-striking, ground shaking, glass breaking sight that blurs your vision and just might make you deliver dialogues aka A. K. Hangal uncle in ancient Hindi movies, who’d say after getting up from a shocking swoon, “Mein kahan hoon! Itna andhera kyon hain yahan?”
Oye unckel...nope I am not covering the whole length of the tube-light here with my fulsome awesome butt...it’s the andhkaar of your dim mind!
(Moral of the story...make sure you and your sibling does not go to the same gym...hundreds of horrors can materialize...let me just suffice here with a statutory warning!)
Poor fellow didn’t say anything at that time...but later in the day when I spoke to him over the phone...this is what he had to say:
“My god, have you seen you hips?”
(With an expression as that of a gaping blonde who saw a bad make-up day on her face in the mirror)
“Hello, dumb question asker...how can I “see” my own hips?”
(With the expression of smug pride that is screaming...oh I am so cool...I have made a wise retort)
“But you’ve got to see them...baap re baap!”
(Still looking as aghast as I do when I watch this television serial called CID...it’s supposed to be a detective dream but I view it as hamming comedy at its worst)
“Oh my sweet brother, you mean I have an awesome derriere, is it?”
(Smug still, with eyes closed, all set to be drenched in compliments...forgiving that he is my brother and the only reason he came after me into this world was precisely this...to come after me for every damn thing)
“No my dumb dear sis, it’s awesomely big for a human being...
What have you been doing in the gym from all these months?
Mein to ghabra gaya dekh kar...you must start climbing stairs from today only, doing alternatively and in two months dekhna, it would disappear!”
(By now he’s going out of breath with his irritating enthusiastic expressions of know-it-all and I have lost all of mine!)
And blah, blah went on his ranting to save the obese world just because he no longer belongs to the classification! Bloody discriminators!
Ah, big butt! If it would have been another big B in my body...I would have probably survived the crisis...even managed to get free tickets to shows, free shopping splurges and what not just by the strength of a tight fighting t-shirt up my sleeves...oho...Focus! Focus!
But for the butt...you never really know if it’s tighter the better or tighter the worse!
It’s like you happen to be walking ahead of or crossing by a cute looking hottie and think ‘Oh god, please let him not look at my butt’...knowing full well, as if he’s got a bloody choice!
My dear butt...we have got to talk...do you mind coming across the table?
I always tell you Sunny praaji style... “No if, no but”
But you nut...you always butt in between!
But then I thought it was always an asset!
Look at Jennifer Lopez or back home Kareena Kapoor...What butts yaar!
So, big n cute n round is good....
Oops correction...cute n round n not so big!
Size does matter but sadly it also asks for proportions!
And no matter how red and juicy the watermelon looks...the musk melon is always easier to handle when you already have your hands full! No puns intended...any reference to anything dead or spread is purely coincidental!
Ah, now I perceive the dint of smile on your face!
My dear beloved too manages to extract a good laugh more often than not, at the cost of my ‘bumpy’! He says that if I ever happen to fall from a multi-storeyed building or jump from a flying aeroplane...I would never need a parachute. I should just raise my legs and land on the cushioning that others view commonly as my butt!
At such times I can’t even call him a butthead for that would imply him having a big brain!
In fact sometimes he can be such a pain in ‘you-know-where’ (I am tired of using the word now)! Like when there’s a broken pair of spectacles or a de-shaped chair seat or a walnut needs to be crushed open....he’d ask for my services or blame them for the mischief done! Wtf!
If anything’s squashed in the house...it could just mean one thing...I have probably gone and obliged on it like a hen sits over her eggs!
Ab bas...before I end up having nightmares of my own butt and you might too...it is butt naturally the time to butt out from here!
Even the chair’s complaining now of over-use and being over warmed!