Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

23 January, 2010

Big Woes of Bigger Butts!



Ever felt like you’ve walked ahead but a part of you has still remained behind?
Ask me...I feel that almost everyday...I need to check every time if my butt has followed me while I moved on or would it still be a while till it catches up!

I am always on a roll in my gym...exercising my guts out. It feels great when people come up and say, “Excuse me, you exercise a lot...you have the stamina for a marathon!”
Actually, in a confession mode, I do have a very flexible body...I believe if I try really hard I could fold and fit myself in a box...that’s a different story if you ask me about the dimensions of the poor box.

A blogger friend of mine once reacted on a post, (I think that would be you again Amnn...gawsh, mentioning you in two posts...back to back...Is it your lucky month or what! Hehe!)
Okay, he said, “My god...you gym, you walk...What’s next?”
And I had said, “Err...how about losing some god-damn weight?”

And then another morning, another question (What a blissful world it would be when we’d just stop establishing the f@#$in inquiry counters, that everyone in India is born with the skill to pop out with, after anything and everything you may say!):
“You are very regular to the gym...How is it going?”
And I ironically retorted, “Well, that’s the problem you see...I go to the gym every bloody day...my legs go to the dogs everyday (not literally, stop imagining any licking action)...hours go by as I tread on the mill...treadmill...size goes from L to XL...my khoon paseene ke kamai goes whoosh out of my pocket at every subscription or shoes bought (for they refuse to take my weight anymore...I could swear that I’ve heard my pair talking to each other ... “Let’s prefer to tear than wear!” Smart asses!)
But the f@#$in weight, which is supposed to go, is just not ‘go’ing and clinging to me like second skin...actually first skin...the original sin...aaah...whatever!”

A dear friend of mine who saw me on facebook after ages remarked, “Wow Suruchi! You’ve reeeeeeeeally thinned down!” (Such statements I never really understand how to react to...they make you wonder na, how fat you actually were in the first place to deserve such an emphatic tone and raised exclamation! And simultaneously fear OMG let me not return back to that!)
I whined in reply, “Na na...I have just thinned ‘up’ yaar. When would I bloody thin ‘down’? Boo hoo!

You know what...sometimes I feel how wonderful it would be if people could see just my top half...I am perfect here...not Pamela Anderson people...she’s obnoxious (god’s wrath on mankind...in a merciless and choking attempt to crush those who get caught in between them. It’s like a woman with two arses...one behind at the bottom where it should be and one in front at the top where it seems to have mysteriously connived and reached...threatening to explode out at enough pressure as that of a blink of her eyelid...I mean does anyone know ANYTHING else about her?)
Damn...ting, ting...Oye writer sahiba, please remember this is not a boob post...it’s a butt post...focus, focus...
Arre...and you bhaisaab...focus only on the lines my dear reader, get Pamela out of there!

And just in case you do need to get imaginative here to get the ‘broader’ picture...let me tell you, I could pass of as someone with a nice Indian hour-glass figure, especially if I don’t decide to get up from the table...
And there, when I do, my bottom half comes to full view...hey, somewhat like a dollop of an ice cream scoop on a cone...only just imagine the cone upside down (Do I really need another human being to completely humiliate myself? No I don’t...I excel in screwing myself and walking with my very own pao=feet on the kulhaadi=axe! @#$!@^$#@%...that was for myself...mein aur mere tanhaaye aksar ek doosre ko ya mereko gaaliyan dete hain!)

I think it’s the gravitational force that is working with all its mettle, concentrating just on my lower outline...it keeps bringing all the weight down. Or my mother must have eaten just pears when she had me in her tummy and my little dim brain would have construed it as the only shape to be!

While growing up I thought I could become a VJ because:
No.1 I could talk till I drop
No.2 I am nautanki reincarnated...or if she never existed as a person before....born to life!
No.3 (And most importantly) They appear just waist up on screen...
But it turned out to be a wasted idea when I saw them running about on field work too, as lanky as undernourished specimens from Somalia (I mean, my premise of life and a career in that was rudely shaken...I was awoken and heart broken...They actually use the rest of the body too and not just their hands and mouth...in veejaying that is! Who would have thought?)



And just when I just about make my peace with my back ‘biting’ on me...the world mercilessly brings me ‘back’ to square one...or rather ‘round two’ or the two rounds....
Grrrrrrrrrr.....

Another statement awaited me this morning. I was grinding myself on the cross trainer when in walked my brother (who happens to have lost 16 kgs in half a year...Nalaayak...lost all the traditional, inherited, heirloom kinda weight, but gained a pompous overflowing ego of a narcissist model instead...I mean hamare Kapoor khaandaan ke pushtaine bada pichwaada is as must an accessory as say a moustache is for a Rajput)

Anyways, he was lifting weights (no not his own...he prefers to throw it around) just behind me and viewed my rear side...
Not as in view-view...but then as in a thunder-striking, ground shaking, glass breaking sight that blurs your vision and just might make you deliver dialogues aka A. K. Hangal uncle in ancient Hindi movies, who’d say after getting up from a shocking swoon, “Mein kahan hoon! Itna andhera kyon hain yahan?”
Oye unckel...nope I am not covering the whole length of the tube-light here with my fulsome awesome butt...it’s the andhkaar of your dim mind!
(Moral of the story...make sure you and your sibling does not go to the same gym...hundreds of horrors can materialize...let me just suffice here with a statutory warning!)

Poor fellow didn’t say anything at that time...but later in the day when I spoke to him over the phone...this is what he had to say:
“My god, have you seen you hips?”
(With an expression as that of a gaping blonde who saw a bad make-up day on her face in the mirror)
“Hello, dumb question asker...how can I “see” my own hips?”
(With the expression of smug pride that is screaming...oh I am so cool...I have made a wise retort)
“But you’ve got to see them...baap re baap!”
(Still looking as aghast as I do when I watch this television serial called CID...it’s supposed to be a detective dream but I view it as hamming comedy at its worst)
“Oh my sweet brother, you mean I have an awesome derriere, is it?”
(Smug still, with eyes closed, all set to be drenched in compliments...forgiving that he is my brother and the only reason he came after me into this world was precisely this...to come after me for every damn thing)
“No my dumb dear sis, it’s awesomely big for a human being...
What have you been doing in the gym from all these months?
Mein to ghabra gaya dekh kar...you must start climbing stairs from today only, doing alternatively and in two months dekhna, it would disappear!”
(By now he’s going out of breath with his irritating enthusiastic expressions of know-it-all and I have lost all of mine!)
And blah, blah went on his ranting to save the obese world just because he no longer belongs to the classification! Bloody discriminators!

Ah, big butt! If it would have been another big B in my body...I would have probably survived the crisis...even managed to get free tickets to shows, free shopping splurges and what not just by the strength of a tight fighting t-shirt up my sleeves...oho...Focus! Focus!
But for the butt...you never really know if it’s tighter the better or tighter the worse!
It’s like you happen to be walking ahead of or crossing by a cute looking hottie and think ‘Oh god, please let him not look at my butt’...knowing full well, as if he’s got a bloody choice!

My dear butt...we have got to talk...do you mind coming across the table?
I always tell you Sunny praaji style... “No if, no but”
But you nut...you always butt in between!

But then I thought it was always an asset!
Look at Jennifer Lopez or back home Kareena Kapoor...What butts yaar!
So, big n cute n round is good....
Oops correction...cute n round n not so big!
Size does matter but sadly it also asks for proportions!
And no matter how red and juicy the watermelon looks...the musk melon is always easier to handle when you already have your hands full! No puns intended...any reference to anything dead or spread is purely coincidental!

Ah, now I perceive the dint of smile on your face!
My dear beloved too manages to extract a good laugh more often than not, at the cost of my ‘bumpy’! He says that if I ever happen to fall from a multi-storeyed building or jump from a flying aeroplane...I would never need a parachute. I should just raise my legs and land on the cushioning that others view commonly as my butt!
At such times I can’t even call him a butthead for that would imply him having a big brain!

In fact sometimes he can be such a pain in ‘you-know-where’ (I am tired of using the word now)! Like when there’s a broken pair of spectacles or a de-shaped chair seat or a walnut needs to be crushed open....he’d ask for my services or blame them for the mischief done! Wtf!
If anything’s squashed in the house...it could just mean one thing...I have probably gone and obliged on it like a hen sits over her eggs!

Ab bas...before I end up having nightmares of my own butt and you might too...it is butt naturally the time to butt out from here!
Even the chair’s complaining now of over-use and being over warmed!

35 comments:

sobhit said...

hahahahahahahahaha LMAO in d literal sense ...... hahahaahahahahahaha.........
lotsa butt issues u got ... seems u cud b indias answer 2 jlo.. :P :P... n hi pamela devi b blessd 4 she bot d hypocrisy of loads of indian males 2 an end.. n as kids v grew up watching her or rahtr at hers :P :P

ROFL


big butts r healthy signs i guess.. tho excess f evrything awlaz gets out f proportion :P :P.. but but BUTT ... ahh 4gt it hahahhaah funny woman tk care f ur butty issues b4 ur dat BUTT lady who is really funny rathrs dan d funny lady wid cute butts :P :P..
remmber d song..
"i like big butt and i cannnot lie"... :P :P hahahahaha

suruchi said...

Sobhit
Helloooooooooo
I hope you didn't laugh off all of ur ass...
Save it for some posts that might follow in this space;-)

Hmm...me India's answer to JLo..yeh lo..Did I forget to mention my thunder thighs too? hehe..kidding..;-)

N Pam aunty ke grip mein et tu Brutus...chalo koi na...as long as you are not getting crushed;-)

I like it any both ways as u say..
The butt lady who is really funny or the funny lady with cute butts;-)

sobhit said...

well am looking 4wrd 2d posts 4 sure... or backwards in dis case mayb :P :P....

suruchi said...

Oops are we back to the bottom of things?;-)
For sure...
Jab tak butt mein jaan hain...mein yahin baith kar likhte rahonge...;-)
*shut up chair...just enjoy it*

Anonymous said...

Funny post su!!i loved the incidents and small detailz u mentioned!!;) n tokin bout sizes...its always betr to stand out frm the rest..then being similiar to otherz..haha..kidin..n well yaa i support ur view on pamela!!!;p
Moreover if u find urself fat from sm placez with respect to ur gym..experience my gym once..n u will feel u are size zero!!!surely!!

ps.i wish u luck with your khoon pasina...hardwork wud certainly pay smthnz off smday!!;)
... See More
Take care :)
Tan

suruchi said...

Hi Tan
I would remember your gyan..."better to stand out(literally) than being similar" N so glad u feel the same way about Pamela...chalo koi to hain mere side;-)
pam..tumhaare pass headlights hain to kya hua...mere pass maag darshi tan hain;-)

N please tell my hard work to pay me more instead of me paying my gym people...

Haha...although I dread to come to ur gym though now:-)yet just for the size zero experience...what the heck...would try it someday;-)

Rishi said...

this post reminds me of a TV character 'Sally Harper' from TV series called Coupling...

one of her quotes ... abt butts "They follow you everywhere...As you get older and older they get bigger and bigger .... Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way"

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0023355/quotes

suruchi said...

Hi Rishi,
Yeh lo...mein bolte baad mein hoon n log use n copy pehle kar dete hain...
I have seen it happen way too often...
Phew!It's tough being an original in this world;-)

P.S. I absolutely loved the quote...so true:-)
"they flirt with men while we're looking the other way"LMAO;-)

Ankur said...

okie i literally laughed my arse out... and it isnt small either! :P

I mean I have been through a lot of this, so i know how it is! :P

talking abt sizes i dont know why watermelons are loved when they are in the top and not in the jeans! :P

but i havent seen u Suruchi and u literally asked me to imagine that butt with lil bit of those boobs! :P
cant help it.. u draw those! :P

so actually what u do is working ur butt out! :P

It sounds like u really stand out, with those big melons trying to come out of those pants! :P
hilarious... LMAO!! :D

well, jokes apart, dont give a damn to what people say, work out if u want to but believe me even those big ones look better at times. And people dont love u for ur arse or boobs, but they love u for what u r... :)

and hips dont lie... ;)
so just enjoy and have fun ...

Cheers!

Weirdo guy said...

"big b in my body" , the brain thinking of peaches bwahahahahahhaahahahahahah.. .....and you say I am funny !!!


and ZOMG i admire your guts to be able to poke fun at yourself so much and yet be cool with it !!


*gets down on one knee*

please become younger by a few years and marry me !! :P

suruchi said...

Hey Ankur....
Hi...so I guess we are butt buddies then, huh?;-)
U say u’ve been through a lot of this and I wonder at “this”
This- as in ur own or this as in lot of other people’s big butts?
Hehe...kidding:-)

N talking about sizes again...I don’t know why watermelons are loved at all??I mean it’s green and red and seedy and seasonal and pulpy...oops...u were talking about the fruit –watermelon, right?;-)

N please don’t imagine me with those butt n boobs as I described...
I suffer from writer’s heightened exaggeration syndrome...
So if there’s any flirtish possibility between us...please keep those lines open...men see me in better light than I myself do;-)
(Pssst...I prefer to see them instead)
N I don’t stand out yaar...I just manage to be outstanding in my own way...

I read somewhere that no matter how much guys talk about boobs n arses...personality is the key...well all my locks are stuck on that key for sure;-)

P.S. I need to upload a pic soon to clear some misconceptions...don’t give up on me till then...till I get u “back” that is;-)

suruchi said...

Helloooooo Weirdo...
Can I know a name there?
U see I somehow won’t be comfortable with being addressed as Mrs Weirdo;-)for that would mean all my deep dark secrets would get out;-)

I wish my parents would not have done it when they did and waited just 10 years to really rock the boat...then aapke n mere beech mein koi maiye ka laal nahi aa sakta tha....
But alas...yeh ho na saka...:-(
Couldn’t your parents have done u faster? Just a thought...kidding;-)

I think u are reallyyyyyyyyy funnyyyyy
Like I mentioned it somewhere before....why didn’t they make more cute twenty something’s like u when I was cute twenty something?:-(

P.S. Please get up from on your knees...thandi ka mausam hain....zukham ho jaayega;-)

P.S.2 And just for the record...please read my comment above...I suffer from exaggeration and just might have more reasons to admire in me than just my guts;-)

Cinderella said...

Mwahahahaha....What can I say.

My mom recently asked me to wear a denim shorts first when I was preparing to wear a saree for a frens wedding.

:|

You should be glad, you dont have to hear smth like this! Love your skin babe, thats when you really look pretty.

:)

suruchi said...

Hehe..I do Cin...
I absolutely love the way I am...wouldn't change a thing...though agar thoda bahut fret nahi karenge to pompous n vain kehlaayenge...
N aisa karne se nazar bhi nahi lagte...;-)

N I love making digs at myself...prevents the others from doing so;-)

Hey what can I say now about the denim shorts bit...wish there was a flesh transplant programme..we could enroll there n both live happily ever after;-)

Weirdo guy said...

@suruchi

hahahaha..let me do it properly

hi my name is Achyut Gupta *shakes hands*

:P

btw here it's NEVER thandi ka mausam here.. so i can stay on knees waiting for a long time !

suruchi said...

Awww...my first on the blog proposal...hehe...(as if I am expecting an army of these out here;-)

Hello Achyut...great name yaar...What does it mean?

Just look at me now..I have started my own little inquiry counter here..
Kya naam hain?Kya matlab hain?Next would be how much do u earn?Would u keep me happy after we hypothetically marry?N would we be living together via bluetooth?Blah blah...;-)

See just one shake hand can get u where...;-)
Aap soch rahe hoge woh hindi waale kahaavat...
Inko pooncha pakdaya tha...yeh to poora salwaar he pakad gayen;-)

Awww...still on ur knees...na manushya na...aapke jagah hamare charon mein nahi hain....
*one big hug*;-)

sulagna said...

hehehehehe LMAO...actually LM Big Ass Out :)

and you on FB too...add em jaldi sulagna chatterjee

sulagna said...

my display pic is one with my husband in front of me in a white blazer/jacket

Cinderella said...

LOL!

"fret nahi karenge to vain kehlayenge....nazar nahi lagegi"...bit was classic.

I guess that would be right.

Hence, Me thinx me needs to fret about my..umm...the thing that your previous post was about....lol lol lol !!!!

Amrit said...

hahahaha

you are super funny :)

raghvendra said...

LOL..

It was funny and humorous!!!!

suruchi said...

Hi Su...
Big asses all of us, huh?;-)
I guess that's the best way to be...u never know when the extra cushioning comes handy;-)
Yaar..I found u over n over again..but my technical shortcomings I guess are screwing me again with all their glory...so u find me there,plsssssssss:-)

@Cin...
Sweets..u too find me there..much faster n easier to connect:-)
N no fret...just make the others sweat;-)

@Amrit n Raghvendra...
Super duper thank u:-)

Ankur said...

Hey Butt Friend! :P

this as in anything which is big! ;)

oh wow... watermelon are loved coz they are juicy and the juice is very healthy! ;) :P

and yea, its the personality... but what happened to the pic u said u gonna upload, eh! ;)

happy butting! :P
Cheers!

suruchi said...

Hi Ankur...
Please keep butting in every now and then to remind me of stuff...
I guess age is catching up on me...I didn't forget things like this last year when I was sixteen...hahaha...;-)

Oh my god...now we are discussing watermelon juice in this space, are we? U think people are actually aware that we are still talking ONLY of the fruit?;-)

N pic pic pic...oh ya...
but I have no pic with my butt in focus...*thank god for small mercies*
I'll just change the profile one for now n next time the shutters open up to click...stand with my butt to them...;-)till they tell me to 'Butt off';-)

Ankur said...

oh... did u too turn seventeen? i thought u were the only one i knew u turned more! :P

and yeah... me still talking abt the "fruit"... rnt u?? *winks*

oh and u need not to click a butt with pic... oops i mean vice versa! :P

suruchi said...

OMG...u are good at this yaar...just as mad as me...;-)
Why have u gone 7 samundar paar in Australia? The country back home needs more mad people like us...
Find me on facebook before we flirt our guts out here in full public view...hehe...

"Fruit"...woh intezaar-ka-fal-meetha-hota-hain waala fruit?*winks,winks back*:-)

And phew! thank god the camera n the cameraman is saved n so my cute little butt rests in peace:-)

Ankur said...

good... just good... u underestimate me?
lol... jk!

and no no... who told u that Australia is seven samundar par, and coz its not, i am in USA! :P

and yea... see, when u row the seeds u dont know na how fruity the fruit is gonna b! ;)
(Avoided juicy as others may be offended, and fruit as in fruit with extra fal) hehehe

n lemme check fb! ;)

Cheers!

Ankur said...

but ya.. dont be scared when u c me on fb! ;)

Vagabond said...

"butt" ( and )how!

great post!!!!

fellow huge butt =(

suruchi said...

Whooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaa..that's u there on fb....haha...just kidding:-)
So

And 'saat samundar' kyonki bolne mein acha lagta hain na;-)
Now lemme check u out too;-)

P.S.till I don't know better...u are good;-)

suruchi said...

Hi Vagabond...
Thanks...the feeling's mutual...loved your writing too:-)
N join in the huge butt gang n we'd Kick some cute ass;-)

SG said...

Nice post. First time here. Big butt is my favorite.

suruchi said...

Awwww...thanks SG
For the comment n big butt preference...;-)
N hope to see you around:-)

Lincoln said...

well that was one hilarious post, ur husband must be really lucky to have such a funny partner ;)

suruchi said...

Hey Lincoln...
I hope by "funny" partner u don't mean funny to look at..lolzzzz;-)

We keep reminding each other how we exhausted the world's quota of luck:-)

Glad u enjoyed the post:-)

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