12 June, 2010
Just Another side of a Happy Coin!
For a while now, I have been dabbling with a new vocation for myself!
I had suggested this to my dearly beloved too...
I should wrap up my teaching agendas and get into counselling!
Yup...a sort of shrink...a kind of sounding board, beyond your immediate circle of near n dear ones, someone whom one can relate to without the fear of being judged!
I almost take a sacred n secret*well, not anymore*pride in doing that!
Youngsters on the brink of an identity crisis or cocooned life, housewives persisting with the urge to break free, men caught up in the web of a lonely though settled life, women struggling in not so conducive environments...
I have seen n heard them all!
With many I have trudged the path of redemption or held their hands*symbolically* at the times of unbearable sufferance!
Tolerance almost became like my badge!
And Agony Aunt is how I moonlight and did so all my life!
Talking to people*those who interest me* has been a favourite pastime and lately this has consumed a lot of my time, online or otherwise.
Not just to friends who open and share their emotions with me, but uncannily I have noticed how I go around commenting on just about anyone’s heart-rending posts with a “Need help? Ask us!” kinda forum!
Are they screaming for attention or am I?
I have begun to wonder if it is really THEY who need help!
The frequency of this and a pattern thereby brings in a mixed sense of emotions in me...gratification n yet a restlessness of doubt!
And also a fear...Am I addicted to the elation of being a mess-solver?
Do I look forward to woes in people’s life so that it gives me a sense of belonging?
And if this is true even partly...ain’t I really sick?
I like to hear and not speak*my blog is the space for which I reserve that n this should explain the long posts*.
I like to question and not answer...unless these are answers to YOUR grievances! Absolutely NO ONE knows what’s going on inside my head and I choose to reveal only what I want to.
It is perhaps some weird mechanism at work to safeguard myself from vulnerability or an embedded fear of who’d be interested in my sob stories anyways*there are plenty of those, believe you me, who hasn’t?*
So, I don’t enjoy talking me...I would rather talk you!
I end up finding myself in situations where I am emitting my pearls of wisdom or just lending my ears for my ‘friends’ to vent out their confusions and frustrations of the world!
“Oh, thank you! Talking to you has been such a help!” are celebrated words responded to me, akin to “khul ja sim sim” that were divulged to Ali Baba in fables!
Initially this activity used to get me drained!
When I would hear of distressing stories called ‘life’ of people around me, it would end up making me feel weak in the knees and increase my own palpitations*not in ‘love’ kinda way-sigh!*
It would greatly disturb me as my body and mind would take time and efforts to come to terms with it and I would almost take it as badly as if it were happening with me.
But then, I guess, repeated exposure to these depressing woes provided a kind of immunity eventually and today, I can hear you out a BIT more dispassionately and in a self-wrecking way than before!
Though my mind’s involvement is still 100%!
I put all my faculties at work to come out with the wisest solution to your problem! And if I end up actually making you feel better...there is no greater contentment for me than that! Don’t get all repelled here with disdain...I am no Mother Teresa! Such acts are more theurapetic to me than they are for you!
And that’s what I do most of the times!
I am hearing stories of everyday grudge n whining of people and not getting tired of it! I am finding n offering solutions and expressing equal amounts of derision as the sufferer himself or herself!
It is a sense of pride somewhere within me or rather vanity that is being fulfilled by the idea that people can turn to me with utmost trust!
It perhaps provides me with a sense of achievement on being the first in the list of people, whom you’d call in case of a crisis!
But isn’t that super pathetic?
I am so wondering now!
One of my earliest dear friends on the internet had once commented,
“You are like the park bench. When someone is really tired of the humdrums of life, he turns to the park...spends time on that bench and feels the comfort it provided. Then when he feels better and sufficiently equipped to face the world...he moves on...and may or may not return to that park bench, or at least not till he needs to vent out his sobs again!”
I remember having taken to that very unkindly, for this is what had happened between us!
I was the confidante of all the miseries against the world, ranting against parents who did not do ‘enough’, of job that was suddenly gone, of security carpet swished off the feet n religion n politics n morality n what not!
But when things returned back on track to being hunky dory...I was not needed again for a long while till life decided to give another F@#$ to all plans!
I see an encore of the same in many friendships that I have forged!
Suddenly the idea that I am being turned to, is not so appealing one due to the fear that what-if tomorrow I am discarded again!
Purpose solved...no ears needed now!
I don’t want to be a park bench!
I don’t want to be a sponge...for I soak your troubles and make myself heavy with my own expectations!
Perhaps I don’t want to listen anymore!
I want to talk instead!
But that...I cannot!
No, not talk!
Perhaps now I want to scream!
P.S. It has been a weird post and I apologize for filling you with distaste when all you came here for was a good laugh!
Promise to bounce back with the madness soon!