Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

02 August, 2009

Divorced but not separated from joy!



Connubial bliss is what most of us strive for…but so do we also for perfection, hassle free existence, commitments, soul mates and instant connects. More often than rare, we keep ‘striving’ for these life-long to reach that state of utopia which is just a figment of our imagination. Recently a dear friend of mine sent me food for thought by emphatically stating that marriage is not an ideal state. I didn’t concur of course at first, being cushioned in my cosy domain of the same but upon deeper reflection I questioned myself and who gave me the bloody rights to disagree, with there being a life beyond it or by oneself. I also realized despite all the good intensions, how futile and callous it is sometimes, to insist upon someone to mould his views, when he or she has been once bitten and twice shy.

Unfortunately, I have many friends now moving through the rocky lands of divorce, separation and life after that. By god’s grace, none of them seem deflected from the path of finding little nuances in everyday lives to bring them smiles. If anything at all, they impress me time and again with the infectious zest they carry along for not just breathing through life...but also living it to the brim. Messy marriages I have seen all around with the spouse suffering from schizophrenia, an abusive husband, a lying straying one, a loveless marriage of blame games, lacking the laws of attraction...reasons could be varied. It’s said you need both hands to resound a clap…twisted that Hindi proverb a bit, hopefully not lost in translation…But then who is to decide who’s fault it is really?
A fault for a marriage going sour…definitely…but to say it’s a fault to move out of a faded relationship…is a big unforgivable fault in itself because THAT my dear friends is not a fault at all!

The world in general seems to favour the state of being “happily married ever after”. Live in relations do not get the same status, privileges and rights as the blissfully married label allows you, forget about societal acceptability. Socially you are more liable to being and feeling the odd one out without a spouse, when the gathering is brimming with happy faces tagging on to their better halves, even if that’s a facade. In many professions like in the army or being in the public glare, it is preferable to put up a smokescreen of a healthy marriage than to admit that the bloom there since a long time ago, has rotten and now even begun to stink. For the sake of families, children, financial stability, etc, compromises are meted out. It is still easier to bear the brunt in the background by staying passive than to take that giant leap and stand bare in the spotlight. To add to these pressures and this mad condemning race, health wizards increasingly point out to the threats of heart risks, Alzheimer’s disease, anxiety, depression and other ailments that one is open to after parting ways. Divorced individuals are stripped and ripped apart and staying married is the only way to be if you want to remain in the fabric of ‘proper’ order, physically and mentally.

As if the burning heart is not enough…everyone wants to rub their share of salt on the wounds. Consciously or deliberately, we put the accused in a mind trial, sitting mercilessly in our self-claimed haughty chairs, to bring out inferences and judgement of what could have possibly gone wrong. You can move out of a broken marriage but you can never really fill up the scars or silence the gossip mongers, let alone come out of a constant battle with your own guilt pangs and personal failure. And then after going through such ordeals, if a person survives and chooses to be reclusive or on guard, there we get new opportunities to point fingers at all over again!

No one would deliberately want a broken marriage…but then sometimes the circumstances are such that it’s better to walk out than to be slowly crushed. We all grow up with dreams of a tall, dark, handsome man on a white horse or a beautiful, angelic maiden walking out of clouds beckoningly towards us. But then adulthood brings with it harsh realities and the sense to see beyond just the pretty face. Life’s not a fairy tale and marriage is not a dead end. Media, through examples, books and movies, may propagate the allusion of ‘love of a lifetime’ or one that lasts forever...but the fact is that increasingly such notions are being challenged and turned to dust and a pragmatic approach and acceptability is the need of the hour.

A divorce is not the end of the road...it is the beginning of a new journey. A broken marriage has nothing to do with a broken or dubious character. It may just be the case of non-blending of individuals, who by themselves rock the world but together rock each other to complete incompatibility. Each one of us has a different flavour to offer with our individualistic perfections and flaws, regardless of the fact that in a particular combination we rattle or turn distasteful...The amalgamation needs to be corrected not the ingredients discarded. Equally true for my friends going through this upheaval, is to realize that they need not take themselves off the shelf. There’s no expiry date to being able to solicit new relations. We are not products that run off to being finished if used or misused once. We grow with time and learn with experiences. Once bitten twice shy can be strongly countered by the saying if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again! No inventions or discoveries of things that matter on the planet today were made without passing through the trial and error phase.

The world awaits us with open arms. With better sensibilities let’s embrace a new understanding and rid ourselves of scars. Let’s be open to experiments but done so cautiously and prudently. Let us not get tempted to be revengeful by going astray and inflicting similar wounds to others. But also let go of prejudices and the unreasonable act of putting each prospect through the same lens of suspicions with fear of an encore. When nothing in life is permanent, this too shall pass...go with the flow my friend and don’t bury the heart so deep within that it is not ready to float along!

8 comments:

Rahul Khatri said...

very true Suruchi, hare comes one more from ur "mind"mill, which it seems works continuously on something, and such beautiful, and clear expression of thoughts is a gift, to u, and ur words, a gift, to us, which I accept with full respect...:)

And I wud here like to say not only this but many other things in the human Society which need a change, a broader, modern perspective of freedom is needed. Wearing western clothes doesnt make u modern, its ur vision that makes u modern!! And here u have rightly said lets open our selves, once again, geet comes to my mind, she said "bheed bhi hum hai, aur takleef bhi khud hi ko hai"...its meaning is such deep...it clearly states that in a way, its we who make society and hence until and unless, we start changing our attitude, the society wudnt....So lets join our hands and free ourselves and others from the so-called "Samaj kya kahega" dialogue!!

Sudhir Kekre said...

Hi
Had a lot of catching up to do. read all your last three posts. wonderful. you have a very broad minded and sensible approach and an effective way of expressing.
I agree divorce is not the end of life. But i think there's a dignified way og doing it.Parting brownies, flowers, promise to keep in touch and remain a good friend.
( and getting home getting drunk and then swearing at each other :P)
Perfect life.
good work. keep it up.

suruchi said...

Rahul...wow yaar..mere tareef?Kya baat kar rahe ho aap?hahaha...

thankssssssssss...i so liked n loved all that u said...like the "mind"mill and my words being a gift... hmm...so flattering...u made my blog month of august;)
and yup u n the Geet fixation...Jab We Met has not effected even Kareena Kapoor as much as it has to u...
And woh end waala dialogue...samaj kya kahega ...classssssssssssic;)

Keep rocking...and ya let's join hands soon;)hahaha

suruchi said...

Hi sudhir...
Thanks for such generosity with your time...i really appreciate that n in a way wait for that sweet motivation that comes from your end...:)
I would also like to add that it’s just not being broad minded that we should aim at...it’s more of a practical approach keeping in mind the circumstances, changes and the environment around us...
If we won’t mould or bend, we’d be crushed or we’ll crush someone else in our way...

And when you mention the dignified way..i guess it depends from person to person and how bad the mess is...yet at least we must realize that there’s a way out and help those who are in it come out and live again...

Great to have u around..stay put;)

Ankur said...

marriage is a journey like life and u never know if u have taken a wrong step... the best is to come out of it so that u can choose a different path...
as u rightly said.. its nothing bad.. it may be coz u dont gel and then u need to part ways... coz its important to live a life not a life to live!! :)

nice post and nicer thoughts!! :)

Cheers!!

Haz et al said...

dear suruchi,
it was very articulately put into the nuances of the dynamics of a marriage; howsoever i dont seem to be in congruity with the morsels your friend fed your thought with! i believe the reason for most failed unions is not just as you put it a straying lier, a schizophrenic etc etc but the failure to accept that a marriage is not the culmination of love i.e a love shouldn't be the reason to get married rather getting married should be the reason to love even more...
its a real debate , only time will illustrate
haz

suruchi said...

Hey ankur…
I loved the line “it’s important to live a life not a life to live”
Thanks for the agreement…wish the whole world would be less cruel on those who suffer due to this:)
We need to realize that all our paths have forks and it’s not necessary that if you venture upon one you would never return back to the crossroad again…
It’s all winding and relative…
May we all find our true paths:)
Welcome to my blog..:)

suruchi said...

Dear Haz…
Reasons are many…and also the root as well as the seedling ground for such disagreements..love makes us so hazy and dazed that often much reasoning gets clouded…I just quoted some of the reasons floating around me by my first hand experience…but then like they say much water has flown through the Ganges since then…
I really appreciate the profundity in what you have said hat marriage should be the reason to love even more…
And I so wish it would be realized more…
Nothing better than an awesome marriage which we all deserve!
Thanks for sharing your view:)

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