I am!

I am...Me!
But what is me, I myself am not sure!

Am I what I have lived for?
My ideas, my principles, my attitude defines me?
My ideas, my principles, my attitude defies me!

I am in grain, as I was created by the master
And in spirit, as formed by the humans!
I am a face, a personality... a life!
I am a daughter, a mother, a wife...
Am I what my relations make me?

I am that which evolves every minute...
I am part this and part that and yet a whole!
I am what I want people to be like!
I am full of me and yet empty!

So what am I?
What makes me an individual and not a face in the crowd?
Does not every face in the crowd think himself to be so?
If we all want to stand out...who would stand within?
We need a crowd to be able to be singled out...
We need others to be able to define ourselves!
Then if I am like others, why do I struggle to be unlike them?

I am...what I think I am!
But do I think fair?
Or am I prejudiced towards me to make me fiercely believe I am right or better or stronger or smarter?
I think I like me too much to point out the faults and then love myself much too for I easily forgive when I err!
I am what was made of me...I am what I make of me!

Am I what others tell or opine about me?
But who can really judge that they mean what they say?
I get convinced in all my egotism of what I feel others perceive of me...
I am what I project to them or what I am in the confines of my privacy when I unmask all the layers and put away all the mirrors?

Am I what I critically dissect myself as?
I am harsh with me for I feel I know me better than all who say they do...
I let them gloat in the surmise that they do!
I let them see what I want them to!
I hide myself sometimes even from me...
And at other times I combat within my frames to let “me” surface and emerge as it should!

I am sometimes noble...free spirited and giving...
I bask in my own light, treading cautiously between vanity and respect!
I am sometimes selfless, yet eventually think high of me for being so and defy it totally!
I am fun and funny...making me think, am I like this or has life made it for me?

I am something and nothing and yet everything to me!
I am the reason for my existence and not love, relations, money or the likes as we believe to be!
I am the only person I can truly make happy and the only person who can truly understand my fears!

I am my best friend and my worst enemy...
I have within me the entire cosmos...
The strength to make me happy...
The will to make me strong...
The desire to make me persevere...
The need to make me reach out...
The elation of a soul reaching its destination...
The desolation of disappointments!

I am honest and naked only with me!
I am and will continue to be!

Five Times a Week Average!

It is 2 a.m.*yup, in the morning*
I woke up to feed baby Seeya and could not sleep after that, so thought of putting some of my thoughts here!

Normally at 2a.m. *still in the morning only dodo* I would have thoughts unmentionable...
But then since motherhood, there has been a kind of change!

A change that is not so positively deemed by my beloved!
A change that I mentioned in my last post and it caused more ripples than me becoming a mommy!

Our AVERAGE OF FIVE TIMES A WEEK of bedroom adventures was looked at with great interest by the commenting community...in the comment section of the blog and otherwise!

Some said with disdain, ‘Only 5 times...tch, tch!’
And some others released inconspicuous cold sighs, the breath of which only I could feel till here*!

Sex!
Is there ever enough of it?
And what is enough of it?
I thought I was doing my greedy n needy beloved a bloody favour by offering myself*I deliberately want it to sound like a sacrifice at the altar* at least 5 times a week and the figures going into whooping proportions during weekends and holidays!

But men, men, men...Are they ever satisfied?
So after much cribbing one evening from his end and blasphemous duh-types accusations like:
‘You have got old!
Where should I go now if you refuse me?
Look at other wives!
Do you think we should show you to the doctor?’
And more blah, blah, blah...which I generally turn a deaf ear to...but that particular evening, about a month back, I had had enough!
However I turned and dodged, we somehow returned to it*not sex yaar....but talking about it!*
Phew!

And I contemplated...
You ungrateful soul!
You should fall on your knees and thank your lucky stars!
But since you choose to fall on your knees for purposes otherwise...it is time to set things straight*in the name of sweet Mother Mary...no puns intended guys*

I had made up my mind*it was like those scenes in the movies, where the heroine gets us from the floor with rage on her face and blood in her eyes...wipes her saliva/blood from her lips...ties her dupatta on her waist and runs towards the villain with a semi-Sunny Deol yell...okay over dramatization...please ignore*

I decided to do a little survey among friends to shut him up once and for all and also know if there is genetically something really wrong with me or terminally something very hyper about his testosterone!

So on a suitable night out with couple friends, where the men sit at one side and the women at the other*and I generally sit n brood in a corner thinking why we attend such stone-age get-togethers and how blatantly discrimination is still rampant in this world*....I broached the subject!

Okies women...so since my G*that’s Gautam for short...not short as in ANYTHING else except short in patience for saturation* feels I suck in the sack...not as in literally, how he wishes though...I need some answers from you guys to show him it is a wtf-kinda assumption!

So I asked them...
Women, fellow-sufferers, ‘weaker-sex so deemed as weak at sex’ fellas,
Lend me your ears....
How many times do you guys do it with your husbands*yup, that needs to be specified these days to maintain clarity and authenticity of any survey*?

No answers...
A ‘haw’ here and a snigger there...
Someone dared to ask me the same query to see what I’d say before venturing into the forbidden territory...

Okay...lemme break the ice...
Me n G do it about 5 times...what about you guys?
Lady 1: Oho...5 times a month...that is too high Suruchi!
Me: Er...L 1, I meant about 5 times a week!
L 1: *goes into a silent mode and suddenly looks at the floor with such intent n purpose that you’d think she was doing a thesis into marble flooring*

L 2: That’s a high figure...but since you guys don’t have kids, it is possible...
Kids kinda kill sex!
Me: Oh...that’s weird...considering if it were not for sex these kids would have not arrived in the first place!
L 3: Yes, every time we kinda come close or even get ‘touchy’, there would be the baby pissing or howling for feed or just plain so curious that he’d get up to sit n stare as though he has front row tickets to watch a blockbuster porn!

Me:  Oh Ya? That means G is subjecting me to so much atyachaar and not even giving me credit for it!
L 4: Okay let us tell your G that his is a super duper average!

Me: I don’t think he’d be satisfied with that!
What about experimentation?
*I was dodging now into very forbidden territory...so I became a little cautious...like the tigress stalking the preys with feather-light steps so that they may not fly away in fear*

L 4: Oh experimentation is just for the first year of marriage...when you experiment with each other’s body!
Me: Oho...I mean not THAT kind of exploration. This is experimentation...taking things to higher level...you know*yes, even I actually have some lajja, sharam n hayya to actually blurt out things at the onset..I need to establish a foundation first*

L 3: You mean if we do the ‘job’ well?
Me: Er...that and other things!
L 4*now opening up*: I hate the jobs...I managed to do it once and would not want to do it again!

As regards the other people’s reactions...let’s not go there...I am as it is accused of opening my mouth too much...to put my own foot in it of course!

6 out of the 8 women*actually out of 7, because one of them remained non-committal throughout for any and every matter, with a pressed lips smile that said she was registering it all to eventually relate it in bed to her husband at the end of this, without missing even a single gory detail*
Okay, so 6 out of 7 women just nodded, or shook their heads or looked embarrassed...every n all of which reactions left me more mystified than ever!

Me*not yet giving up*: And what about the handcuffs or feather strings or situational dressing and, and....

Before venturing into more possibilities n propositions, I looked around...
There were aghast faces looking back at me and eye balls rolling under the half bent eyelids...
If we were in the age of Saint Jones, when supposed witches were burnt on wooden poles in the market place...I’d probably be on the pole next to her!

Alrite...I did not want them to go home with a cultural shock!
So I rested my case!

Fine...I anyways had enough proof to set my beloved right!
When he tells me “look at other wives” I at least had some arsenal up my sleeve to blow him off with!
And not THAT blow...for goodness’s sake!

Arre...already 4 a.m. ...time for Seeya to wake up for her next feed...
So adios amigos...until next time!

Hot Momma!

Alrite...for those of you who’ve missed me...biiiiiiiiiiiig hugs
And those of you who did not...cold, murderous glares...subjected still to slightly lesser-big hugs if you make amends asap*whoa...don’t look at me in that duh-way that is reeking of no-idea-what-to-do air.
Now if “I” will have to tell you even this how you should make amends to phir what you did on this planet from so many blessed years?*

Anyways, I have been away from the World Wide Web for a while*actually just one week to be precise...but seems like eternity*
And the reason for this would unfold now:
So pretty, witty n hot ladies n gentlemen, girls n boys*yes I prefer associations in this order of adjectives only*...
This is to inform you that I, Suruchi Arora am officially a mommy now!

So goodbye good old days of freely bouncing about as n when I wanted to...
Good bye to being a compulsive flirt*for it was as it is difficult targeting preys after being a naari with sindoor n managlsutra....now I seems dinosaur-ic being a woman with nappies and rattles...boo hoo...there go my hope of ever having an extra-marital affair*

Also good bye to days of massages...hair spas...holidays...gyming*oho...my choti se love story in the previous post...looks like sabke nazar lag gaye...forget about nabbing now no chances of grabbing or even peeking at him!*

But then again...when one door closes at one point*in this case many doors actually*, they say another window opens somewhere else:
Hello days of responsibility of a seven months old angel, whom we now call Seeya- after Goddess Sita, to be explanative of her name!

And before I hear ‘What? Why? How? Whoa’ from my blogosphere world...
Lemme do some further clarifications:
Nope...I was not pregnant*dodos, if I had been, don’t you think I would have recited my guts out on morning sickness...increasing bumps...inclining/declining sex drive and the likes...I am very dedicated to the cause of my reader’s all-round enlightment!*

We have been at it from ten years to my marriage*that is making babies by the way...any reference to the act of making love coinciding with the ritual, is purely unintentional. What the heck...it is not...now go ahead n burn in jealousy...although our average of 5 days a week is in serious jeopardy now so you may also gloat in sadist pleasure*

Anyways again...all that effort...sweaty sessions, late night adventures, early morning drilling and the likes but to no effect....
Matlab we just enjoyed the act of making babies and never really got to make one actually!:/

Doctors, palmists, astrologers, tantriks, saints, sinners, co-travellers, strangers, chemists, grocer...anyone n everyone had some advice or suggestion or remedy for our “curse” the moment they got to know we were not having kids*thankfully the proposals did not include altering ‘positions’...phew!*
But seems like the universe was conspiring against me remaining half-single and half ready to half-mingle*if only I had found my other half...sigh!*

Aaaah...long, boring, sob story there...so would not bother you with details. Let’s just say every smiling, mad face has sometimes an ocean of not so smiling or happy moments!

Anyywaaaaaays....so now we have adopted this adorable little doll who has brought a 360 degrees change in my life!
And like everything else I share with you guys...
This story just had to come here too!

The idea of adoption surfaced about two months back due to extreme fondness of my beloved for kids. And despite me asking him to call me “baby” to suffice that...it just did not go!

As for me...I had come to terms with the way things God had sent my way...filled my little voids with teaching, blogging, facebook-ing and even gyming*which I got to join just last year after ten years of being injected with medicines n hormones n what not...please rest the dirty minds here*!
I could finally be in some shape...other than the distorted one!

So the cold feet came about at the onset and did not seem to leave me despite my warm heart that is always ready to give, embrace n share love wherever and however!

And then one day...just like that, God sent little Seeya to us*yes, so dramatically only*
She looked at us with her big, beautiful eyes, through those long curly lashes and little fingers pointing to me and we knew she was perfect!
Though when she first saw us her face was swollen in anger as though saying, “God...couldn’t you send me a better pair...alrite...kaam chala lete hoon inhe se!”

The more I held her...the more little frontiers of motherhood awakened in my hitherto frivolous heart n mind!

And that was a cause of apprehension erstwhile, a source of astonishment when it occurred and a reason of jubilation now!
Why?
You see, I never considered myself as a mother!
You know how little and not-so-little girls dream of a house, a husband and two kids...
Kids were never in my frame of things*as a matter of fact, neither was a house or husband...I never thought of my future...I just live joyfully for and in the present!*

And neither had I been around kids much...the only exception being myself!
Plus ten years of grinding my body, mind and soul for a child had kind of killed the urge for it!

So there was fear... the ‘what if’ fear!
What if I do not feel as mothers do?
What if I am unfair to a little child?
What if my personal freedoms and selfish ambitions take over my responsibilities?

But it has been a week of revelation!

Not only did I not have a maid for the child*which is considered as a norm by the way* the maid who cleaned my room n bathroom, washed my clothes, did the ironing...decided to call it quits the very day Seeya came!
*I know what you are thinking...the cribbing mom begins*

However, for four days I gave myself completely to her cause...
I barely slept for about three hours intermittently through the day and barely sat during the waking hours!
She was taking time to adjust and I was making efforts to do the same!

But every time she would wake up and I’d be there...she’d look at me with her big beautiful eyes and smile with her 6 teeth peeking and nose scrunching so adorably that I knew it was all worth it!

Here was a little bundle of life that depended on me entirely!
Here was a big bundle of a whole unadulterated gratification when she would cling to my torso and her little frame almost jutting into my bigger one!
She would put her soft cheeks to my face or tiny fingers to hold my ears and I felt like never before!

Some of my dear friends had encouraged me earlier but I feared I was not made for it. I now believe...motherhood does not get born...it is there...it just gets awakened in a woman when she holds a child!
Sounds filmy but it is very true!

I sometimes miss my carefree life!
But then when she kicks her legs in pleasure as I talk gibberish with her...I become numb to everything else!
Once every day I yearn to teach again or go into the blog world, both of which have been my sole caretakers of sanity till now...
But so many other times during the same day I thank God when she sleeps comfortably or when she says ‘ta-ta-ta’ to me*I take it to mean as I love you momma*
Awwww!

Enough of Karan Johar mush....can I return back to a bit of cribbing again!
In one week I have washed n cleaned her bum more times than I have probably cleaned mine in the whole month*may I assert that it does not indicate anything about my hygienic qualities or my bowel movements*

I have held her in my arms and swung them to put her to sleep for hours at a stretch, as she wakes up every hour through the night!*hopefully that should get my arms in better shape*

I eat less because during the eating times I am generally washing nappies or ironing them or sterilizing bottles*I just might FINALLY lose some weight*

We*my beloved n me* have had almost next to nothing sex *finally a spate of relief...yiyee, yiyee, yiyee!*

I think I may soon suffer from some of these syndromes....having under eye bags...back ache...arms muscles...sloppy dressing...no eyebrows done and sometimes no time even for a head wash!*but worry not my competitors*who aren’t many* or my suitors*who are even fewer* for I’LL BE BACK!

The first sign of it is returning to blog...
And slowly the wheels of time would for sure make me a ‘hot momma’!
For I always believe in one dictum...there’s no point of doing something or being someone...if you do not create it as an example for others!
Amen to my thought n aim!

P.S. Sorry for being unable to read your blogs...would return to do so as soon as I get a little more settled!
Oho...got to rush...the baby just woke up with a howl!:-)

I am Crushed-Yiy, yiy, yiy!

I have a big, fat, humungous, whopping, dinosaur-ic crush! I needed to supply so many adjectives above to emphasize on the urgency of the situation because otherwise small, tiny, miniscule, trivial, miniature crushes are an everyday ritual with me. Yes people, in my last post I mentioned why we need a husband husband happy-check and here please let me not leave the gyan incomplete and enlighten you also on the necessity of needing a “crush” to keep you from being crushed when ghar ke murgi becomes daal baraabar whatever the connotations there you may assume.

Most of the romantic flicks tell you to close your eyes and you’d see the image of that special someone whom you truly love. Now a word of warning-these stunts are performed by experts and can be dangerous, if tried at home without professional guidance and lead to misguided inferences. Why I say so?

For when I tried doing the same...I mean I closed my eyes and waited for a face...Waaaaaaaaaaiting....Aaaaaaaaaaand....

Voila!

Wtf!

There was a bloody party!

Bah!

Dumb love stories?

Naah!

Dumb reality!

I tell you it’s bloody too much to expect in kalyug for eyes to drop when you view a tempting dish cross your path. Even for a “Bharatiye, Pativrata, abla, sarv gun sampan” naari like me. Please don’t ask me to translate that...there’s something called drama for heaven’s sake. And the object of my affection is a geek god cum Greek god at my gym. Mmmmm! I have seen him grow. Please don’t get me wrong my dear one-track minded friends. I mean, I was there when this boy came! Uff, I think I am still not ‘raising’ the right picture, am I?

Okay, cut to a few months back...

Me doing my regular thingy in the gym nopes, that does not mean “not exercising” so wipe off that grin and the door opens...

In comes with a hawa ka jhooka, as if in a slow motion Yashraj movie- A sweet, introvert looking kinda gawky twenty something of a boy!

A bottle water bottle for Christ’s sake in one hand and a napkin offo, a regular male napkin in another! About 5 feet 9 or 10 inches that’s his height dodos....please note the usage of “feet” there  and milk white skin. As against the black as tar counterparts already in the gym, he was literally a bright ray of sunshine. He had spectacles on his cute countenance and so dismissed by me based on face value as another wanna-be gym-goer. He also had a sombre, no faltu-baat demeanour to boot!

Okay and cut to now...

Me doing my regular thingy in the gym-yup, that means ogling at him every once in a while through the many mirrors, otherwise persistently drooling dil he dil mein and sighing. And he’d be pumping weights ooh...couldn’t I have been that dumbbell curled in his wrist?  His facial muscles stretched to perfection on his taut cheek bones. His little jersey clings to his well chiselled frame, sweat pours like drops of manna off his forehead, muscles ripple through his arms and everywhere else. His walk is suddenly super sexy and confident, skin glowing to a more manly white whatever that is supposed to mean And those spectacles are not adorning his face while he works out.

Aaaah! The pain in the heart taking me straight to my favourite mode-‘The What-If mode’! What-if he was older or better still I were younger? What if he was floored by me too silently in heart of heart or what if I was not married?

What if someday a wall in the gym falls and he comes just in the nick of time to save me by taking the bricks on his solid shoulders and I get up to say “Thank you! You saved my life.” And he says, “How could I not? Your life is not yours alone from now on!” and we get lost in each other’s eyes...

You think THIS thought is ridiculous?

Well hear this then. Some years ago, I remember watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hain and thinking of some Prince Charming coming to drag me off my shaadi ka mandap and putting me on a white horse and taking me away to live happily ever after. Never mind if I had no boyfriend or even a crush in consideration who would show any possibilities of such insanity and never mind either that the idea of getting on that white horse is matter of a completely hypothetical situation and never mind to the heights that my Prince Charming that is my dearly beloved was already waiting at the altar.

Alright shut up dream sequences-back to reality*bursting all my thought bubbles...boo hoo*

So do you get the picture now of how this boy next door looks-the forbidden apple, that could very well turn me into Eve! His transformation leaves me breathless. It’s like Peter Parker turning into Superman! I know Peter Parker was Spiderman dearies...But I think Peter Parker was more geeky for reference’s sake than Superman as the regular guy and alrite sue me for I don’t remember Superman’s name as the regular guy. I have better things to do on this planet now than remember the name of a superhero when he’s not even one. How duh can that be!

Without his spectacles and the newly found body it was not lost anywhere, just properly emerged in all its glory he is a treat to tired eyes and well even if they aren’t tired, I make sure they do get after my work out in the gym. I don’t know his name or religion or profession or age. But then age no bar caste no bar sex no bar. I mean sex as in the gender...Ache cheez ke taareef karne ke liye bas!

 So while my students had also trickled during summer vacations, I basked in my evening sessions at the gym and hence my crushing began! Vacations over-evening classes on again-so back to gyming in the morning....

And my choti se love story gets nipped in the bud!

P.S. Author subjected to high risks of hyper exaggerations!

(Family reading this-happy-check)

;-)

Why we need a husband?

Nope...not because who would pay our bills otherwise!
Definitely not for we can’t blame destiny or the government all the time!
N also not because not everything can be answered by Google!

Husband is a strange specimen!
But before we realize we want one...we must know why we actually need him!

Imagine your face filled up with pimples*okay, that’s quite ghastly even for imagination...not filled up but kinda bursting out at spots with them*
At a tragic time like this, he would be the one who would still cup your face in his hands and not search for a spot that is blemish free.
He’d leave a moist imprint of his kiss and tell you, you are still beautiful!

You’d be walking down the road together and while the others compliment you on the dress...dear husband would be the one to notice that your feet look pretty today for you have applied nail paint on it after a while*never mind if he forgot to observe the outcome of Rs. 500 blown on your last hair cut!*

He’d be the unhesitant volunteer to cuddle you, if you moan and wake him up in the middle of the night n from his deepest of slumber and say,
“Suno ji...so gaye kya? Mujhe neend nahi aa rahe hain!”
And he’d wake up with a start, all nervous to ask if all was okay!
And then keep you cosy in his arms...
His palm not giving up on patting your head, even while his tired eyes refuse to open up!

You need a husband, for times when you stand facing a show window and looking greedily at an over prized designer wear that would be a crime to buy and a sin to leave...And he’d walk over from behind and say, “Take it. It’s been a while since I have gifted you anything!”

Only a husband would be as excited about your girls’ day out as all the girls themselves *Never mind, if it is just to get gory details of your escapades*
But he’d tell you to have fun and don’t bother about home for he’ll manage the show!
And he’d be the one, who would not call, to embarrass you, but be messaging you, as soon as it gets dark for he wants you to be home safe!

It is only a husband, who’d go into the “I-am-useless-for-I-can’t-keep-my-wife-happy” mode at the slightest hunch of you in the blues...
Or keep asking you persistently “what’s wrong?” even when you tell him to lay off rudely!
The day you appear less than usual chirpy, he’d call you as soon as he reaches office, although a hundred impending tasks threaten him!
You need him you’ll realize, when he sends a message from office with a smiley face for no reason at all...

You need a husband, for when you feel grumpy like the world’s been a nightmare he’d find ways to mend it, even if it is not his fault!

You would look at the watch and ask him to make a move from your parents place and he’d insist on you both staying a little longer, for he feels your family is yet not satiated of having you to stare, pamper n care!

If you find yourself stuck in a crowd of unknown faces and known bored feelings, there’ll be a face looking out for you, just as you’d be looking out for him...
That face is of a husband, who wants to make sure the woman he brought in on his arm, is not lost and not just physically!

You need a husband, for he’ll not break into a “bachelor’s” party when separated from you, even for a while...but lie dull n low for he’ll openly acknowledge there’s no joy without you, even in the merriest of recreations!

He’s a strange creature I tell you, for he would be having funny ailments gnawing his own body, but would panic at the idea of you having to suffer, even just by a minor muscle pull. He’d never be able to pick up the phone to get his own doctor’s appointment...But he’ll never be able to forget reminding you to make yours, till you get frustrated and give in!

In sleep, he would unknowingly grope with his hands on the bed, till your skin comes within the reach of his searching fingers and then continue to sleep!
Even in his subconscious, he would want to hold you!

You need a husband for when you say “I do not like wet towels on the laundry basket”, he’d be willing to let go of old habits!
Tell him, ‘Why can’t you at least hang your shirt on the hanger of the cupboard, if you decide not to wear it?” and find some 8 shirts nicely opened and floating over the rods, but at least not strewn across the bed!

It’s a husband, who would give in to feed you Chinese food for you want  it, despite him not enjoying it...turn the car to go back to get you an ice cream, even when you’ve almost reached home!

A husband would not think you less, although your eye brows need mending like with a lawn mower...
He would not mind the comfortable cotton underclothes*although appreciate seductive satin of once in a while with incomparable enthusiasm* for it makes you feel better rather than looking better!
In fact you can still be wearing the faded night shirt since time immemorial and that would not detest him from exploring what is within it!

It is a husband who would say he’s the happiest man on earth, when on his birthday, all that you gift him, is yourself wrapped in new, sexy lingerie!

To a husband you can show the emergence of white hair and even make him count them to console you later, when you crib about it!
He would not mind*okay, at least not all the time*if you do not take a shower before coming to bed!

You would see the glitter of pride in his eyes, when you look extra ravishing on a particular night out...like maybe Bill Gates would have upon receiving his first recognition for the ownership of something exquisite!
It is a husband who would beam with equal joy as you, when others appreciate his wife or look at him with envy!

So although having a boyfriend or live-in partners can be learning grounds for the ultimate experience....
There’s no feeling as liberating as taking someone for granted to love you no matter what...
To have never an iota of doubt behind the reason why he is so affectionate with you...and would he be like this forever?
To be unabashedly yourself before him, with your flaws and finesse!
To know he would never say ‘let’s take a break’!

Not everything that is being done from ages is redundant!
You need a good husband...and you ought to make it a good marriage to know how it feels!

If Only-Another Side of the same Coin!

*Hi friends...This post is in response to a fiction story I wrote last week titled "If Only"
Much to my extreme pleasure, an anonymous follower of my blog has taken the efforts to write his version of the story, from the boy's point of view!
I cannot express how flattered this has made me feel, for this write up is almost flawless...
And to think, my story inspired this...I feel super-duper...Hope you enjoy this too!
Thank you Mr. Anonymous for this...I so wish you'd tell me who you are, but glad you came around anyway:-)*

The grass looked more green...the sky a little more blue...the wind a little more warm as the days neared.

He stood in the corner of the rusty gates of the chapel. The decoration lights were already put on, but still the setting sun's glare made them shy in their own light. His eyes searched through the crowds for her.

The eager stream of people with their overtly sprayed cologne and dabbed face powder were roaming aimlessly exchanging fake pleasantries. But it’s easy to recognize a fake happy face in the crowd of genuine smiles. He saw her.

She hadn’t changed much, but still somehow looked a bit older or rather, say a bit more mature.
She was trying to get rid of her innocence it seems.

The white silk gown was tightly wrapped around her, merging with her hues as if it was an extension of her white skin. He was amused as how a girl who never touched makeup in her life was hiding under the generous dabs of foundation.

He didn’t mean to stay, but he still found it funny how every look at her face made him fall in love with her all over again. He loved it once, today he hated it.

The kajal in her eyes was slowly smearing and she relentlessly tried to clean in with the edge of her handkerchief.

Those eyes were tired of waiting but still refused to dry up.

That moment he knew he owed her more than that, he couldn’t just leave her and assume her to understand. She was snobby he knew. She would never understand and wait. She deserved more.

The colourful lights had by now found their glitter and shone under the navy blue sky.

Slowly as if guided by hidden soldiers, the crowd started to make way to the neatly arranged chairs with their civilised jostle for the aisle seat.

In the corner the groom stood with beads of sweat on his forehead. Under the plastic smile and lumps of sweat and powder, he contemplated of a new future. New life waiting under a thin veil of time. For better or for worse.

Under the hood of confusion, he made his way across the hall. He wondered if this guy knew how it tickled her when you run your finger over her naval button, if he knew how she loved to be bitten just under the cheekbone below her left ear and closed her eyes as a kitten on her master's lap. Maybe he does not know about how meanly she bites your lower lip, which she says that is her mark on you.

For a moment he thought he should tell him, but decided against it.

He had urgent things to do; he had to meet her and breakdown in her arms. He has to end it all.

He slowly slipped through the closed door near the staircase. He could smell her presence near somewhere. She was there, lost dejected as if tired of the ongoing war of her life. She was alone, maybe waiting for her father to walk her down the aisle.

He shed his darkness and walked before her. She looked up and stared at him with lifeless eyes as if not believing his presence, ignoring his existence. He clutched her hand and dragged her under comforting darkness under the stairs.

He breathed harder on to her neck...
She noticed how her goose bumps surfaced by his mere touch.

As if a switch was flicked on, soon her eyes were baring all those hidden questions and anger. Then slowly, he saw her melting into him, the pain of his digging fingernails were maybe in no comparison to the pain of her heart.

He jerked back to reality; he knew he could not allow that. He has to let her go, no explanations can suffice, no pain can hurt her anymore, she had frozen her soul, and giving it new warmth of love is not going to help her.

He let go of her hands but in the next instant he cupped her face...

He has to go, go back into the little box of her past, he cannot be her future hence he has no right to be her present. Then why was he here...he wondered about his own intensions as he burnt again for her...a fire that he had never known with anyone else and never admitted of its intensity even to her!

Yes, he needed her mark on his lower lip before he left...for good!!

He kissed her for one last time.

His mouth closed in and opened worlds together within her and she knew no matter how passionate the kisses may be with anyone else who ever ventured that way...she would never be able to let go of the mind numbing effect he had on her. She would never be able to get that slight shiver of her lips coming in contact with his delicious mouth...that rhythmic movement of their tongues...the satiating feeling of his saliva in her mouth and how his hands moved along with the perfect synchrony!

Then he stood there and slowly broke into a grin...the world was no more mysterious....
Let the grass have all the green, let the sky get all the blue...but he had experienced his whole life in an instant.

He strolled out of the church gate, leaving behind a little squeak of the rusts.

He took out the paper from his back pocket he has been carrying for a month. A paper that decided he will not be granted more than 6 months of life. Pancreatic cancer they said will kill him....he wondered will it really?

He threw away the paper; he threw away the burden of death that he carried for so long. Because he just left his life back in the chapel to be handed over to a stranger.