24 July, 2010
Five Times a Week Average!
I woke up to feed baby Seeya and could not sleep after that, so thought of putting some of my thoughts here!
Normally at 2a.m. *still in the morning only dodo* I would have thoughts unmentionable...
But then since motherhood, there has been a kind of change!
A change that is not so positively deemed by my beloved!
A change that I mentioned in my last post and it caused more ripples than me becoming a mommy!
Our AVERAGE OF FIVE TIMES A WEEK of bedroom adventures was looked at with great interest by the commenting community...in the comment section of the blog and otherwise!
Some said with disdain, ‘Only 5 times...tch, tch!’
And some others released inconspicuous cold sighs, the breath of which only I could feel till here*!
Is there ever enough of it?
And what is enough of it?
I thought I was doing my greedy n needy beloved a bloody favour by offering myself*I deliberately want it to sound like a sacrifice at the altar* at least 5 times a week and the figures going into whooping proportions during weekends and holidays!
But men, men, men...Are they ever satisfied?
So after much cribbing one evening from his end and blasphemous duh-types accusations like:
‘You have got old!
Where should I go now if you refuse me?
Look at other wives!
Do you think we should show you to the doctor?’
And more blah, blah, blah...which I generally turn a deaf ear to...but that particular evening, about a month back, I had had enough!
However I turned and dodged, we somehow returned to it*not sex yaar....but talking about it!*
And I contemplated...
You ungrateful soul!
You should fall on your knees and thank your lucky stars!
But since you choose to fall on your knees for purposes otherwise...it is time to set things straight*in the name of sweet Mother Mary...no puns intended guys*
I had made up my mind*it was like those scenes in the movies, where the heroine gets us from the floor with rage on her face and blood in her eyes...wipes her saliva/blood from her lips...ties her dupatta on her waist and runs towards the villain with a semi-Sunny Deol yell...okay over dramatization...please ignore*
I decided to do a little survey among friends to shut him up once and for all and also know if there is genetically something really wrong with me or terminally something very hyper about his testosterone!
So on a suitable night out with couple friends, where the men sit at one side and the women at the other*and I generally sit n brood in a corner thinking why we attend such stone-age get-togethers and how blatantly discrimination is still rampant in this world*....I broached the subject!
Okies women...so since my G*that’s Gautam for short...not short as in ANYTHING else except short in patience for saturation* feels I suck in the sack...not as in literally, how he wishes though...I need some answers from you guys to show him it is a wtf-kinda assumption!
So I asked them...
Women, fellow-sufferers, ‘weaker-sex so deemed as weak at sex’ fellas,
Lend me your ears....
How many times do you guys do it with your husbands*yup, that needs to be specified these days to maintain clarity and authenticity of any survey*?
A ‘haw’ here and a snigger there...
Someone dared to ask me the same query to see what I’d say before venturing into the forbidden territory...
Okay...lemme break the ice...
Me n G do it about 5 times...what about you guys?
Lady 1: Oho...5 times a month...that is too high Suruchi!
Me: Er...L 1, I meant about 5 times a week!
L 1: *goes into a silent mode and suddenly looks at the floor with such intent n purpose that you’d think she was doing a thesis into marble flooring*
L 2: That’s a high figure...but since you guys don’t have kids, it is possible...
Kids kinda kill sex!
Me: Oh...that’s weird...considering if it were not for sex these kids would have not arrived in the first place!
L 3: Yes, every time we kinda come close or even get ‘touchy’, there would be the baby pissing or howling for feed or just plain so curious that he’d get up to sit n stare as though he has front row tickets to watch a blockbuster porn!
Me: Oh Ya? That means G is subjecting me to so much atyachaar and not even giving me credit for it!
L 4: Okay let us tell your G that his is a super duper average!
Me: I don’t think he’d be satisfied with that!
What about experimentation?
*I was dodging now into very forbidden territory...so I became a little cautious...like the tigress stalking the preys with feather-light steps so that they may not fly away in fear*
L 4: Oh experimentation is just for the first year of marriage...when you experiment with each other’s body!
Me: Oho...I mean not THAT kind of exploration. This is experimentation...taking things to higher level...you know*yes, even I actually have some lajja, sharam n hayya to actually blurt out things at the onset..I need to establish a foundation first*
L 3: You mean if we do the ‘job’ well?
Me: Er...that and other things!
L 4*now opening up*: I hate the jobs...I managed to do it once and would not want to do it again!
As regards the other people’s reactions...let’s not go there...I am as it is accused of opening my mouth too much...to put my own foot in it of course!
6 out of the 8 women*actually out of 7, because one of them remained non-committal throughout for any and every matter, with a pressed lips smile that said she was registering it all to eventually relate it in bed to her husband at the end of this, without missing even a single gory detail*
Okay, so 6 out of 7 women just nodded, or shook their heads or looked embarrassed...every n all of which reactions left me more mystified than ever!
Me*not yet giving up*: And what about the handcuffs or feather strings or situational dressing and, and....
Before venturing into more possibilities n propositions, I looked around...
There were aghast faces looking back at me and eye balls rolling under the half bent eyelids...
If we were in the age of Saint Jones, when supposed witches were burnt on wooden poles in the market place...I’d probably be on the pole next to her!
Alrite...I did not want them to go home with a cultural shock!
So I rested my case!
Fine...I anyways had enough proof to set my beloved right!
When he tells me “look at other wives” I at least had some arsenal up my sleeve to blow him off with!
And not THAT blow...for goodness’s sake!
Arre...already 4 a.m. ...time for Seeya to wake up for her next feed...
So adios amigos...until next time!