Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

27 October, 2011

Dear Mum


Dear Mum,
I know you’ve been for long complaining that I have changed and don’t really give you my heart’s outpouring as I used to vomit earlier on a severely loose stomach with details, so I thought today of making up for some of it, with a little mental sentiappa here.

Let’s begin with the thank you’s so that the blaming fingers are more easily buried. When my peeps sometimes turn around and look at me with aghast faces for having said something scandalizing and gross and put up that silliest of all questions of, “How could you?” even when they witnessed how and what I just did, I manage to pacify my detractors by saying it is in my genes. Thank you for being half mad and passing on that streak and justification to me. The world seems very placated with advancing the ‘genes’ syndrome almost sympathising with me as though I have caught a chronic disease and suffer incessantly under the pangs of its pressure to be outrageous.

Thank you for getting me married to G even though you didn’t bother to find much about G himself after the preliminary investigations revealed that his big, fat family was a catch. The fact that G turned out to be the Gem instead is another chocolaty story. Thank you also for bearing with a grin when some of the weird, hormon-ically over charged, not-your-taste kinda oldies in the in-laws flirt with you obnoxiously just because you are a samdhan ji. I guess there is justice after all! Why should I bear them alone?

I remember today all the mischief I did and got away, which I always tell you about with the mysterious air to send you in the baffled mode-yes, I did much that I was not supposed to, right under your pretty nose and thank you for being slow in realizing it or smart enough in pretending not to.

Also that little X-rated video cassette I found wrapped in your nighties while I was fishing inside for goodies, I had no idea how fishy the ‘adult’ world could be when you and pa had gone out sauntering, became a very educational and literally eye opening popping experience for me-you have done so much good, even without its awareness-ah, such magnanimity. I feel I am born to some Mother Teresa or something, though a modern day, child bearing version.

You made me the smart kid, topping at school with my nose buried in thick books. It is a blessing that the world thinks so high of studious geeky children that they assume we would never do wrong even if we were caught red-handed. So glad also that when you and I went into the snooping missions into my brother’s cupboard and watched with gaping mouths at the discoveries within you with disdain at how little girls could write letters to him that were befitting scripts for some B-grade porn film and me with jealousy at not having any such trophies, from the appropriate gender of course, you did not ever think of doing the same in my wardrobe. Yes, two people were needed to do the brave task of ransacking his belongings for much out there was liable to cause mini strokes. Anyways wading through my piles and piles of school notes would have been a deterring task. I myself lived in the perpetual fear that a clandestine musing should not someday find its way to my teacher’s desk and be corrected subsequently for errors-you see lack of experience in those days could have marred my current fantasy par excellence status.



It is amazing however, how simply wonderful you were at making and maintaining relations. Like all the cute older boys of all the aunties we met automatically became my bhaiyyas. You know how cruel that is on a teenager, just coming of age? Smart move there-so even if I ever thought of digressing and sing even just the chorus of a famous love sing around trees with any one of them, the despicable song “Bhaiyya mere, raakhi ki bandan ko nibhana” would play in the backdrop of my mind and raakhi threads loom like little snakes around his hot frame. You gave me one biological sibling na, who managed to create much of a ruckus single-handedly, why coerce more boys to join the league? So by the time I grew up, I was the unclaimed sister of half the eligible boys in town-thank you for giving me the grit so that I could struggle even in these adversities to create my space under the sun.

I remember also the days and nights of talking on the landline phones for the stupid inventor of mobiles was born late and how you would almost always pick up the receiver from the other line wanting to make a call just when I was talking and didn’t wish to be overheard. Thank you for being sweet enough to oblige always when I said, “Mom, I am talking” instead of getting into a banter then and there and insisting on a threesome-telephonically speaking of course!

Although I love you for all the fried food and Maggie and Bread rolls you fed us with, but really, were they necessary? Look what you did to my body which would have been otherwise catching more attention by default, making me rack less of my head and grey cells to do the same. But then on the bright side, now food turns me on often when my man is not there to do the same please rest the imagination horses-just the sight of food, is what I meant. You knew it could be a lonely world and I might need strength to bear it and weight to throw around.

Thank you also for introducing me to my later life arsenals-bras, although really did it have to be those terrible drab cotton ones with straps as wide as River Nile at that time? I now see it as a conspiracy to deter any possible onlookers from having gone any further from there. I mean Victoria’s Secret was a secret for both of us back then, but really Daisy was a sad substitute even by its mere name. And if Daisy was what you wore too I wonder at how my brother and I came about and how horny dad must have been to overlook screwing someone in a cotton ka kawach! It made me so relate to Bridget Jone’s Diary with all her garters and padded inner wear that could make a high man go dry at the sight of devastation-rescued, bandaged patient wriggling in action.

The conspiracy above makes me sniff for other possible loopholes, like I don’t know who made me believe almost till the age of fifteen that girls get pregnant if they take off their clothes before someone. Imagine my horror to even remove my duppatta before a full bloodied and bodied man, thinking if not a full on pregnancy, it might ensure at least the arrival of a tiny foetus in my womb.  And when I got my periods, the first thing you told me was “Now, you must be careful because NOW you can get pregnant if you are erring!” Christ, if only you had told me that before, I could have stripped in my washroom with more peace for all those twelve years or so, without bothering to check through the windows perpetually to make sure no one was peeping and risking me to early motherhood!

You did a great job of polishing us with impeccable English, introducing us to the language and words but mom really, you can’t gloat about it too much for your son in class 9th came up to me and asked one fine evening “What is the meaning of the word fuck?” leaving me all reflective whether to give him a cock and bull story or a cock and pussy one!

Did we say thank you for getting married at almost 18 years of age and bringing me to the world even before you left your teens? Although it was a very bad example, for you made me get into child marriage at the age of 22, emotionally blackmailing me with the idea that at this age of yours, you had two children. And really bad sense of timing mom-for all the hottest items of mind-ilicious boys, are now in their twenties. Really, you could have waited at least a decade with all your horniness before bringing me to this world. Sigh!

I also wonder sometimes why I am so pouty within when it comes to fantasizing...wait a minute, I think it is because of your knack of pouting and dancing with a constraining of facial muscles, that I grew up watching. I should have actually watched what YOU were watching to understand that it was probably your way of expressing your oomph or hiding the fact that you were getting turned on. Anyways, I thought years of therapy would be needed for me to overcome that childhood trauma but then I developed new fetishes of my own and yours have relegated to the background. Plus the fact that the super gross non veg messages that you now forward me with the most explicit of Hindi terms, is taking the trauma to a whole new level and the idea of my education to a whole new dimension.

Enough said for now-we might want to save some skeletons for a sequel on public demand. Besides, I have to set up an example before my own daughter, so I don’t want to do any more damage than what my blog has already done. And really, before telling me to lose weight and apply anti-wrinkle creams or be nicer to my mother-in-law, will you please do something about the overacting and Now-Niruppa Roy-and-now-Helen act that perpetually follows all your drama in the house-just saying! And can you also please stop looking like my elder sister still, you are turning 52 next week for crying out loud :-)

Love you Mommy,
Your daughter who wishes she was half as good as you! 
 

46 comments:

A said...

You are so funny Suruchi. :))))

But you are very open person - straight from heart to keyboard to screen - no filtering :))))

Happy Birthday to your mom. :))))

And buy a good gift for her...blog post is not enough

Rahul Bhatia said...

What a thoughtful gift for your mom!

Shreya said...

It is the best gift Suruchi :) Mothers are such a sweetheart no matter how many gifts you give them all they want is appreciation :P (That doesn't mean we shouldn't gift them :))

Btw had a hearty laugh too , just removing clothes can make you pregnant :P lol .. We were so innocent now l'll girls know so many things so soon.

Sigh !! My mom also says the same thing about getting married , at 23 i had a kid and maintained my family when will you even think of getting married :). They so much want us to get married. :O

Btw Happy Birthday to your mom :)

Alka Gurha said...

Absolute joy to read this heartfelt funny tribute. Your mom takes the cake, the icing, the cherry and everything..shes graceful.

TheBluntBlogger said...

Daisy :D Gosh...I remember my friends in college wearing one, I couldn't find my size back then :| shoosh!

And my mum was married at 22 and I was born right on time...

Life was tough back then :) And Your mum looks an absolute grace <3

Warm regards....

*hugs*

Tanvi said...

What a sweet post! :) Totally heart melting and hilarious at the same time.

Moms are special. And your Mom is stunning!!!!

♡ from © tanvii.com

Pythoroshan said...

Haha..this is such a darling mom-daughter post... just the right amount of sweet and spice. U two are obviously lucky to have each other in ur lives.

☆ Rià ღ said...

Loved ur post...it made me laugh and made me go aww at places. And man, your mom looks amazing and now i knw who do u get the good looks from. :)

Suruchi said...

@A,
Thank you A and I so liked your comment of straight from the heart to keyboard to screen:-)
And gifting-shifting I always do, this post she might not even read...she’s mot so computer savvy!:-)


@Rahul,
Thank you so much:-)


@Shreya,
I guess moms all over use the same arsenals to trap us unsuspecting souls! Sigh..chalo koi na, since they are so sweet, let’s kiss and make up!:-)
Thank you for the wish

Suruchi said...

@Alks,
Thank you so much-I know she takes it all and I take after her;-)


@TBB,
My god, I thought the name was Daisy and then thought maybe I was hallucinating and my short term memory loss was at play again..thank you for reinstating that Daisy existed and I am still not old..lol!:-)
Thank you so much for the wishes and big hugs back to you too:-)


@Tanvi,
Wow, my mum would be so glad to hear the stunning and graceful waale comments:-)
Thank you baby!

Suruchi said...

@Rosh,
Hehe, we two are obviously one of a kind:-)
And yes lucky too-we manage to balance the sugar n spice!
Thanks doc-for always appreciating so genuinely!


@Ria,
Waah waah, chalo finally someone notices me too in my mum’s shadow-always been like that n always loved it. Thanks Ria:)

PeeVee™ said...

ROTFL I can't even dream of writing anything this, erm, expressive about my mother:D
And I'm sure a lot of people have told you, you both look like peas in a pod, exactly the same, only older and younger versions:)

Red Handed said...

How many times should I compliment you? I am starting to get jealous!
This was the sweetest gift you mom could possibly get.. Beautiful. Hheeh yes expressive lot :D

You mother is sooo pretty! And you too :)

Rachit said...

Agree with Tanvi that Moms are special :) And, you included it all.. from those Bhaiyas to the telephone receivers till Maggi. umm lovely.. :)

Weakest LINK

Sairam said...

Wow! This is real funny. How much of it has been souped up for making it funny?

Even if the half what you have written is true, You make one great mother-daughter combination.

Ashutosh said...

Happy Birthday to your Mom :)
nice post :)

Suruchi said...

@PeeVee,
Haha...I can dream of writing something this expressive coz I know she would not read it-rather I would have to take my laptop someday and get her to read the Word draft...I should even save all the complimenting comments for her, would make her day:-)
And as regards looking the same is concerned-lot of people say I have gone on my father-but then thanks for saying I look like her...that’s a huuuuuuuuuuge compliment:-)

Suruchi said...

@Red,
Awwww....and did you hear me complaining, baby?;-)
Please don’t get jealous-ours is a mutual admiration society-I go to your page n gush and you come on mine and swoon and we both would live happily ever after at least in this belief ki ek to pucca waala fan hain:-)
Thank you for the praise:-)


@Ashutosh,
Thank you:-)

Suruchi said...

@Rachit,
Haha...you don’t know how special daughters ki moms are-always on the guard, always worried about setting the right example n stuff!
Thank you so much:-)


@Sairam,
The structure is basically the truth and the humour is souped up a bit garnished with a little exaggeration-though she really is THAT rocking!:-)
And yes, we are like the Mcdonald’s Happy meal;-)

Zach George said...

:D really funny!

Arpitha Holla said...

that was a fun post.. very witty.. loved the pics.. you both look so pretty.. I can especially relate to the para where you describe about your mom feeding you fried items.. My mom did the same thing and I say to her its mostly her fault that I can't keep away from fried food..

♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪ said...

I loved the post!
It was so funny and yet so sweet! Direct Dil Se!

Happy Birthday to your mom!

Ps: Write the sequel asap!!!!!

Suruchi said...

@Zach,
Thank you:-)


@Arpitha,
Haha...poor mums, we always look for someone to blame for all that’s unfair happening to us and somehow the moms always fit the bill:-)
Thank you!


@HappyGoLucky,
Thank you so much and sequel...hmmm, lemme show her this first and see exactly what kind of stares I get from her to think of any further action:-)

SUB said...

such a sweet post...that's how moms are...we don't like a lot of things that they do, but whatever they do they do it because they love us....

i am probably getting some tips for my daughter from this post :)

Cheers!
SUB

Purba said...

The wackiest ode ever written to a Mom - I oscillated between guffawing and blushing a beetroot red.

And your Mom is just 52!! Whoa!

Paanipuri Lover said...

Aww Suruchi! It was a heart-touching post! Also, a post that made me laugh! Peeping into your brother's cupboard! That cock and pussy wala! It was fun, man! It was so cute, that if this post had cheeks, I would pull it so hard, that the cheeks would drop off! :P :D

Drop by my blog : www.insanityinabox.blogspot.com

Sujatha Sathya said...

aah! this was a lovely read - funny in places, senti in others & touching in the rest

came thru indiblogger after reading your line under the indivine post

nice read this was

R-A-J said...

wow Suruchi, such a beautiful n heartfelt message..

Absolutely beautiful.. could relate to so many things from my childhood too.. took me to so many good, good ol memories :)

Very touching and just made me think of my folks too.. a remarkable post, Suruchi :)

Anita Jeyan Sandeep said...

wow your Mom is gorgeous I say ! And the post - needless to say is hilarious !

Bikramjit Singh Mann said...

I am so late.

Happy birthday to your Mom.. and now i know where you get all the looks from :) and everything elese too he he heh

childhood i assume is almost same for all.. Moms are a bliss...



Bikram's

sobhit said...

am toh scandalised suruchiji :O.. hadd karte ho yar, n apni maa toh actually apki maa hain :P :P... matlab kuch bhi.. yar itna toh meine apne gud old west culture mein bhi ni dekha ya suna... apne toh mujhe sochne pe majboor kar diya.. :P :P kya kya.. yeh rehne dete hai.. b DAISY DEE hahahahaha.. meine toh bas ad dekhe hai tv pe.. woh bhi ghar walo ke sath ajata tha toh embrss hona padta tha.. i guess apne indian culture mein apke jaise kaam hi honge log... hone chahiye aur.. kafi kool ho jaye indians bhi fir :P :P..

but seriously yar.. SCANDALISED is d word... but den again.. apne sab khool ke rakh di baatein.. baki sab hush hush rakhte hai.. kuch toh baat hai aap mein.. ab samjh aya, apki mummy se ayi hai.. am toh speechless.. kya hi likhun.. samjh ni ara.. apne toh apni mummy ki bhi baja di :P.. darr lag ra hai apse toh abb..

Anuranjani said...

Haha. This was such a nice read.
Happy Birthday to your Ma. :)
::girls get pregnant if they take off their clothes before someone::

God! Seriously?!
I laughed so hard at this!

P.S.: Your mum's beautiful and so are you! :)

Pria said...

Ah.. your mom would be happy and proud reading this.. sweet and funny one it is.. I wish i would write something like this to my mom who takes care of 3girls.. tough job na..
BTW hapy bday to mum.. she is prettier than you.. liked her dressing style :)

pygmalion said...

an entirely different read!
enjoyed and gosh u really sound like a teenager:)

Pop Champagne said...

awww this is such a sweet post to your mom!!

Suruchi said...

@Sub,
Haha-please don’t take any tips for your daughter from this post-I won’t do so even for mine own...and besides, perfection needs no tips:-)


@Purba,
Thank you so much-like you said once before and I feel it really rings true-open letters do bring out the best on us:-)
And yes, she is just 52 and still pretty as a picture-sometimes she makes me scream at her for not passing on the gorgeous genes to me:/

Suruchi said...

@Paanipuri Lover,
I sooooooooo liked you comment about saying that if the post had cheeks you’d pull them enough to drop...and if it had a nose, my relatives would pull them enough to choke me!:-)
Checked your blog ma’am-how could I not?:-)


@Sujatha,
Thank you so much-and the mixture of senti-funny-touching always serves me well:-)

Suruchi said...

@R-A-J,
Thank you Raj, though I am wondering at the message I gave to my mum here :-) and reallyyyyyy-you could relate to the stuff I mentioned here? Thank you, I guess!


@Anita,
Thank you so much-from my mom’s side and me:-)


@Biky,
Thank you and better late than never ji:-)
And yes, I get it all from her-if only looks ke department mein there was more of semblance :-)

Suruchi said...

@Sobhit,
I lOoooooved ur comment -infact aaj he I showed the post to my mom n also the comments-thoda naatak kiya madam ne n uske baad khoob hasse n was so flattered to see the comments-it is amazing how well she has brought us up..just the right amount of freedom n restrictions n she's a sport,she knows humour post hain-thoda to exaggeration hoga he na;)

And thanks for completing the name-Daisy Dee...aapko bade knowledge hain! ;-)and meine mummy ke nahi bajaaye re-aap kyon mere bajaane pe tulle ho:-)
After sooooooooooo long I got someone scandalized-mission accomplished:-)

Suruchi said...

@Anuranjani,
Thank you so much-and yes, tell me about stupid-growing-up-beliefs!:-)


@Pria,
Thank you so much-and yes, she is prettier than me- she was a pataka in her college times-ekdum heroine:-)

Suruchi said...

@Pygmalion,
So glad to see you here:-)
And I almost loved your comment of me sounding like a teenager-for I felt like that after you pointed it out!


@Pop Champagne,
Thank you so much:-)

TheBluntBlogger said...

:( i missssssss your posts :(

Suruchi said...

@Chintu,
Awwwwwwwwwww...you are the cutest, muaaaaaaaaaaah:-)

Rajendra raikwar said...

nice post

ammanthebook said...

Amazingly well written. Your sense of humor and play of words makes it so readable and enjoyable. Pl continue writing. Following u now on Twitter too

ammanthebook said...

You write in a very funny, tongue-in-cheek style. Amazingly hilarious and readable. Pl continue writing

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