06 March, 2010
On my Death Bed....
Okay...today I imagine me on my death bed...
I have just turned 50 and on the night of the grand half century celebrations, I fainted*mind you not swooned for I am sure even at 50, I would still be waiting for a Mills & Boons kinda guy to walk into my whatever-is-remaining life and sweep me off my feet...sigh! Hey bhagwan...aakhri ichcha he samajh ke poore kar dena!*
Near and dear or rather the envious ones thought it could be of an overdose of Vodka...they would gloat that I’ve finally succumbed to the urges of excesses*you know how I love to piss them off...the envious streak blokes that is...I wear my green colour t-shirt during my association with them, that says “I turn green in the company of morons.” But of course they laugh it off...though I wish they’d get enough pissed to fill up buckets of it, that I could empty on their heads*
Anyways, one Vodka is generally enough to get me tipsy...
They must have made me drink five...one for each decade and there I collapsed unable to see the morning glory of a hangover in the cosy confines of the bedroom I have lived in for 28 years since my shaadi*yes I am assuming we’d still be in the same house for my beloved is a mamma’s boy and by that time he would have converted me into HIS mamma’s girl too...Whoooooooooa...now that I am anyways dying...hey you up there...could I die before THAAAAT? Phuleeeeeeeeeeeze...consider that as my second last ‘aakhri ichcha’ ...ab at least gimme a list of last wishes...I am dying ain’t I? That should be reason enough to let me deserve it!*
So I wake up in the morning sometime and look at the bleak white walls of the hospital and finally get to ask the dialogue I have always desperately wanted to ask:
“Mein kahan hoon?” *thank god I did not die without asking this or else aatma-ke-shaanti crap kaise hota and I would have to return back as a bhatakti spirit asking mortals ‘mein kahan hoon’ and hear in reply from them... “Exactly, we can’t see you either...kahan se kaun bol raha hain”...and the bugging hide and seek that would follow, would make me wish I were dead...or rather dead again...or...whatever!*
Anyways, drowsy and with no clue of last night...I look around at the little crowd that has gathered outside that room...
Sometimes dense that I am*please note the usage of “sometimes” which comes very less times actually*, I assume we are in a five star hotel room*dear beloved...at least at fifty and on my death bed, please take me to one of those ‘burn-your-pockets-here’ hospitals ...itna paisa bacha ke bhi kya fayda...upar to mere se he milna padega na!*
So my dearly beloved holds my hand and gazes at me with the look that was perpetually on veteran actor A.K. Hangal’s face...
And I assume the worst...
Maybe the maid has left us...
Maybe I had a car accident on the way and they’ve cut my legs...
Maybe last night’s party went over budget and now they’ve kept us in the hotel suite so that upon getting up we could do the dishes...
Maybe I have lost my memory and he’s telling me as always “for once, look the part well that has been assigned to you...”
And he breaks into a sob...
I offer the towel kept by my side and he does a good blowing job of it*some habits die hard...old age mein bhi blowing!!!!!!! I read somewhere that sneezing opens up the lungs...at the rate my beloved sneezes, that is @ about 20 blood curdling sneezes a day...his lungs would have expanded enough to accommodate Earth, Mars and half of Jupiter*
And he says,
“Baby, please be strong...” *ya right, as if that’s not what I have done for 50 years of my blessed life...I could give Arnold Swarzeneggar...or whatever way that is spelt, his run for money in this game*
“The doctors did some tests on you...” *whoa...he offered me as a guinea pig? I knew it...those damn life insurance policies in my name would tempt him enough some day to put me up as a bait*
“And there’s bad news....you have lukatmerokfromasia!”
I take in my saliva...
“You mean to say I have the ‘look-at-me-I-rock-from-Asia’ attitude?”
“No baby...it is a new disease...that blah, blah, blah.... *you don’t want the gory details of it now, do you? Let 2027 come and they would have come up with a definition of it...till then spare me dude....helloooooooo I am dying, that’s the least you can do!*
“You just have 4-5 days more to live....”
And buwahaaaaaaaaaaa....nope that’s not another disease or a big laugh...that’s my beloved howling at the top of his expanded lungs at the thought of perhaps...“Who would pack my suitcases now when I go travelling? Who would put my clothes in the wardrobe or my food on my plate? Who would cut my eyebrow hair when they grow too long? Who would pretend to be asleep if I come too close every, as in EVERY night?” And the bawls would make the hospital staff wonder if the entire women-kind has been doomed to disappear in 5 days and hence the mourning*
I look at the walls....blank faced*oh come on...how would I know how else or best to react in this situation? Pehle kabhi kisse ne bola he nahi ke mere pass sirf 5 din hain jeene ko*
I now remember how some twenty years ago I would brag on a funny blog that I had created about how I would like to get tapko-ed or parlok sidharo-ed at the age of 50....
*Damn your accounts bhagwan ji...tabhi kaan laga ke sun na tha ke mein kya maang rahi hoon? Where were you when I asked you to bring me Hrithik Roshan? Where were you when I asked you to make me 36-24-36 or make it 40-22-34 since we are getting it custom made anyways? Where were you when I asked you to let me help a passer-by on the road from getting crushed under a truck and he happening to be a millionaire who would sign up his millions in my name and die the next die anyways?
Where? Where? Where?
Some sense of timing you have! Hmphf...aapse to upar aake nipat te hoon!
Phew! So I am finally on my death bed now...after taking three pages in reaching here from the title that you read above....I better make the destination as worthwhile as your journey
*mere naazuk kandhon pe umeedon ka itna bojh...still I don’t f@#$ing lose any weight!*
Let me see now...just 5 days to live...!!!!!!!
I need these many days just to write farewell speeches to my friends, family, students, associates and chance encounters....my crushes and could be crushes...my relations and those who pretended to be ones or I pretended to be theirs...Not to forget the doodhwaala and the maali bhaiyya...the watchman*how I miss having a pet now...my speech would sound so much more complete* and our club desk hottie boy who always asked my beloved “Aaj bhabhi ji nahi aayen?” whenever I would not come. And also “Aaj aap bhaiyya ko chodh aaten phir” whenever I would come with him!*chodh matlab leave okay*
I put up a status on my face book....
“Gone in 120 hours...milna hain to abhi mil lo...waise agar 20 years of my face book life mein yeh shubh kaam nahi kiya...to aapka jeena vyarth hain...you deserve to die before me!”
I send a mass phone text message...“Yeh sewa 5 din baad se uplabdh nahi hoge kyonki iska prayog karne waale bhagwan ko pyaare ho rahe hain*you had your chance and lost it dodo*...is liye aayen aur apna shouk prakat karen”*abe shauk nahi...shouk ya shock bhi chalega...shauk ke umar to guzar gaye hoge na ab tak!*
I now look forward to a line and horde of secret admirers queuing up outside the room to get a glimpse of me or tell me before I die that they loved me...but couldn’t confess to it all their life* ya right...you have as bad a sense of timing as bhagwan ji...kya bhagwan, apne he prototypes he mere ass pass rakhne the...double hmphf!*
I imagine all my students whom I have served*not just with my teaching skills but also an ideal location for a date away from the zaalim duniya*to come up to tell me how I changed their lives...
I conjure up a scene where there is a stampede of sorts outside the hospital premises and such an uproar created that the media shutterbugs soon drop in to find out what’s passing!
And to my beloved and family members...
I gave you 50 years of my life didn’t I? Please give me the last 5 days of it for myself...
To flirt till my little heart bursts...literally*you didn’t give me the chance to pursue my hobby during my lifetime...now’s the right time to regret and lament for it...aakhir aap sab ko bhi to upar he aana hain...let me die a happy woman and I’ll make sure I keep good things/breeds waiting up for you when you drop in...up...finally*
To say quotes that go down in the lanes of history, like
“If you would not like to be forgotten as soon as you are dead...either write things worth reading or do things worth written about” *I have tried the former and failed...now all my money in the last 5 days would be on the latter...just DO it!*
Though my concepts of “do”ing things is a little lop sided like I am:
Old concept: Do or die
New concept: Do before you die
Latest concept: Don’t die until you do
My basic concept: What to f@#$ing do?*
To eat all the food I always wanted to eat, without bothering about weight gain*as if I ever bothered about it anyways*, to hand out my khoon paseene ke kamaye hue jewellery to those who’ve been nice to me*in case you haven’t, there are still 5 days to make up...and technically some 18 years actually from 2010*, to give a piece of my mind to all those who were mean to me*let them suffer with my mind pieces for the rest of their blessed lives as I have suffered with it through mine*
So my beloved finally asks me...
“Baby...is there something you want?”
“Yes darling...could you get me my beautician for a last facial...I must look good in white when you take me!”
“But you always look good in anything...I am sure you’d be the prettiest dead woman ever!”
“Thanks...but since it’s my last chance...why take chances honey?
I must get a new hairstyle also...one that would look good while lying down”
“I would miss you sooooooooooo much”
“Awwww....I will too. But don’t worry, I’d drop in every now and then to say “Whooo hooo...look who’s back!” especially when you’d be doing other women or hit you on your head and make you look around at who-dunnit!”
“Baby...haven’t you heard...you are supposed to RIP...matlab Rest In Peace and not RIP apart your beloved’s chances of happiness finally!”
Uffffffff...can’t even say here...“Yeh sun ne se pehle mein mar kyon nahi gaye” coz that’s already in the cards...
So there...now I wait for Lady Death or make it Dude Doom to come and embrace me...My signing off note:
“Duniya waalon...mere yaad mein aanson na bahana...
Jab zyaada yaad aaye to upar he chale aana...
Mil kar karenge gaana bajaana, hasna hasaane, shor machana,
Ho aise maut ke yaad rakhe yeh zamana, mera tashreef upar le jaana!”