Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

06 March, 2010

On my Death Bed....


Okay...today I imagine me on my death bed...
I have just turned 50 and on the night of the grand half century celebrations, I fainted*mind you not swooned for I am sure even at 50, I would still be waiting for a Mills & Boons kinda guy to walk into my whatever-is-remaining life and sweep me off my feet...sigh! Hey bhagwan...aakhri ichcha he samajh ke poore kar dena!*

Near and dear or rather the envious ones thought it could be of an overdose of Vodka...they would gloat that I’ve finally succumbed to the urges of excesses*you know how I love to piss them off...the envious streak blokes that is...I wear my green colour t-shirt during my association with them, that says “I turn green in the company of morons.” But of course they laugh it off...though I wish they’d get enough pissed to fill up buckets of it, that I could empty on their heads*

Anyways, one Vodka is generally enough to get me tipsy...
They must have made me drink five...one for each decade and there I collapsed unable to see the morning glory of a hangover in the cosy confines of the bedroom I have lived in for 28 years since my shaadi*yes I am assuming we’d still be in the same house for my beloved is a mamma’s boy and by that time he would have converted me into HIS mamma’s girl too...Whoooooooooa...now that I am anyways dying...hey you up there...could I die before THAAAAT? Phuleeeeeeeeeeeze...consider that as my second last ‘aakhri ichcha’ ...ab at least gimme a list of last wishes...I am dying ain’t I? That should be reason enough to let me deserve it!*

So I wake up in the morning sometime and look at the bleak white walls of the hospital and finally get to ask the dialogue I have always desperately wanted to ask:
“Mein kahan hoon?” *thank god I did not die without asking this or else aatma-ke-shaanti crap kaise hota and I would have to return back as a bhatakti spirit asking mortals ‘mein kahan hoon’ and hear in reply from them... “Exactly, we can’t see you either...kahan se kaun bol raha hain”...and the bugging hide and seek that would follow, would make me wish I were dead...or rather dead again...or...whatever!*



Anyways, drowsy and with no clue of last night...I look around at the little crowd that has gathered outside that room...
Sometimes dense that I am*please note the usage of “sometimes” which comes very less times actually*, I assume we are in a five star hotel room*dear beloved...at least at fifty and on my death bed, please take me to one of those ‘burn-your-pockets-here’ hospitals ...itna paisa bacha ke bhi kya fayda...upar to mere se he milna padega na!*

So my dearly beloved holds my hand and gazes at me with the look that was perpetually on veteran actor A.K. Hangal’s face...
And I assume the worst...
Maybe the maid has left us...
Maybe I had a car accident on the way and they’ve cut my legs...
Maybe last night’s party went over budget and now they’ve kept us in the hotel suite so that upon getting up we could do the dishes...
Maybe I have lost my memory and he’s telling me as always “for once, look the part well that has been assigned to you...”

And he breaks into a sob...
I offer the towel kept by my side and he does a good blowing job of it*some habits die hard...old age mein bhi blowing!!!!!!! I read somewhere that sneezing opens up the lungs...at the rate my beloved sneezes, that is @ about 20 blood curdling sneezes a day...his lungs would have expanded enough to accommodate Earth, Mars and half of Jupiter*

And he says,
“Baby, please be strong...” *ya right, as if that’s not what I have done for 50 years of my blessed life...I could give Arnold Swarzeneggar...or whatever way that is spelt, his run for money in this game*
“The doctors did some tests on you...” *whoa...he offered me as a guinea pig? I knew it...those damn life insurance policies in my name would tempt him enough some day to put me up as a bait*

“And there’s bad news....you have lukatmerokfromasia!”
I take in my saliva...
“You mean to say I have the ‘look-at-me-I-rock-from-Asia’ attitude?”
“No baby...it is a new disease...that blah, blah, blah.... *you don’t want the gory details of it now, do you? Let 2027 come and they would have come up with a definition of it...till then spare me dude....helloooooooo I am dying, that’s the least you can do!*

“You just have 4-5 days more to live....”
And buwahaaaaaaaaaaa....nope that’s not another disease or a big laugh...that’s my beloved howling at the top of his expanded lungs at the thought of perhaps...“Who would pack my suitcases now when I go travelling? Who would put my clothes in the wardrobe or my food on my plate? Who would cut my eyebrow hair when they grow too long? Who would pretend to be asleep if I come too close every, as in EVERY night?” And the bawls would make the hospital staff wonder if the entire women-kind has been doomed to disappear in 5 days and hence the mourning*

I look at the walls....blank faced*oh come on...how would I know how else or best to react in this situation? Pehle kabhi kisse ne bola he nahi ke mere pass sirf 5 din hain jeene ko*

I now remember how some twenty years ago I would brag on a funny blog that I had created about how I would like to get tapko-ed or parlok sidharo-ed at the age of 50....
*Damn your accounts bhagwan ji...tabhi kaan laga ke sun na tha ke mein kya maang rahi hoon? Where were you when I asked you to bring me Hrithik Roshan? Where were you when I asked you to make me 36-24-36 or make it 40-22-34 since we are getting it custom made anyways? Where were you when I asked you to let me help a passer-by on the road from getting crushed under a truck and he happening to be a millionaire who would sign up his millions in my name and die the next die anyways?
Where? Where? Where?
Some sense of timing you have! Hmphf...aapse to upar aake nipat te hoon!

Phew! So I am finally on my death bed now...after taking three pages in reaching here from the title that you read above....I better make the destination as worthwhile as your journey
*mere naazuk kandhon pe umeedon ka itna bojh...still I don’t f@#$ing lose any weight!*

Let me see now...just 5 days to live...!!!!!!!
I need these many days just to write farewell speeches to my friends, family, students, associates and chance encounters....my crushes and could be crushes...my relations and those who pretended to be ones or I pretended to be theirs...Not to forget the doodhwaala and the maali bhaiyya...the watchman*how I miss having a pet now...my speech would sound so much more complete* and our club desk hottie boy who always asked my beloved “Aaj bhabhi ji nahi aayen?” whenever I would not come. And also “Aaj aap bhaiyya ko chodh aaten phir” whenever I would come with him!*chodh matlab leave okay*

I put up a status on my face book....
“Gone in 120 hours...milna hain to abhi mil lo...waise agar 20 years of my face book life mein yeh shubh kaam nahi kiya...to aapka jeena vyarth hain...you deserve to die before me!”

I send a mass phone text message...“Yeh sewa 5 din baad se uplabdh nahi hoge kyonki iska prayog karne waale bhagwan ko pyaare ho rahe hain*you had your chance and lost it dodo*...is liye aayen aur apna shouk prakat karen”*abe shauk nahi...shouk ya shock bhi chalega...shauk ke umar to guzar gaye hoge na ab tak!*

I now look forward to a line and horde of secret admirers queuing up outside the room to get a glimpse of me or tell me before I die that they loved me...but couldn’t confess to it all their life* ya right...you have as bad a sense of timing as bhagwan ji...kya bhagwan, apne he prototypes he mere ass pass rakhne the...double hmphf!*

I imagine all my students whom I have served*not just with my teaching skills but also an ideal location for a date away from the zaalim duniya*to come up to tell me how I changed their lives...

I conjure up a scene where there is a stampede of sorts outside the hospital premises and such an uproar created that the media shutterbugs soon drop in to find out what’s passing!

And to my beloved and family members...
I gave you 50 years of my life didn’t I? Please give me the last 5 days of it for myself...
To flirt till my little heart bursts...literally*you didn’t give me the chance to pursue my hobby during my lifetime...now’s the right time to regret and lament for it...aakhir aap sab ko bhi to upar he aana hain...let me die a happy woman and I’ll make sure I keep good things/breeds waiting up for you when you drop in...up...finally*

To say quotes that go down in the lanes of history, like
“If you would not like to be forgotten as soon as you are dead...either write things worth reading or do things worth written about” *I have tried the former and failed...now all my money in the last 5 days would be on the latter...just DO it!*
Though my concepts of “do”ing things is a little lop sided like I am:
Old concept: Do or die
New concept: Do before you die
Latest concept: Don’t die until you do
My basic concept: What to f@#$ing do?*

To eat all the food I always wanted to eat, without bothering about weight gain*as if I ever bothered about it anyways*, to hand out my khoon paseene ke kamaye hue jewellery to those who’ve been nice to me*in case you haven’t, there are still 5 days to make up...and technically some 18 years actually from 2010*, to give a piece of my mind to all those who were mean to me*let them suffer with my mind pieces for the rest of their blessed lives as I have suffered with it through mine*

So my beloved finally asks me...
“Baby...is there something you want?”
“Yes darling...could you get me my beautician for a last facial...I must look good in white when you take me!”
“But you always look good in anything...I am sure you’d be the prettiest dead woman ever!”
“Thanks...but since it’s my last chance...why take chances honey?
I must get a new hairstyle also...one that would look good while lying down”
“I would miss you sooooooooooo much”
“Awwww....I will too. But don’t worry, I’d drop in every now and then to say “Whooo hooo...look who’s back!” especially when you’d be doing other women or hit you on your head and make you look around at who-dunnit!”
“Baby...haven’t you heard...you are supposed to RIP...matlab Rest In Peace and not RIP apart your beloved’s chances of happiness finally!”
Uffffffff...can’t even say here...“Yeh sun ne se pehle mein mar kyon nahi gaye” coz that’s already in the cards...



So there...now I wait for Lady Death or make it Dude Doom to come and embrace me...My signing off note:
“Duniya waalon...mere yaad mein aanson na bahana...
Jab zyaada yaad aaye to upar he chale aana...
Mil kar karenge gaana bajaana, hasna hasaane, shor machana,
Ho aise maut ke yaad rakhe yeh zamana, mera tashreef upar le jaana!”

28 comments:

Rahul Khatri said...

ha ha ha...lolz...:D
waah kya maut hai sc.....
shabashi ke taur pe to "jeeo beta jeeo" kehne ko man karta hai...but kya karein timing wont be correct...he he

Awesome post A2 and love to read ur inner thoughts sprinkled between ur posts these days!!:)

sobhit said...

AWESUM or rather AWESOME :P :P seems u got back ur streak d legend is back :P :P ... very well written post.. rather mast ekdum ..

u say 1 vodka gets u tipsy?? am assuming its 1 bottle of neat vodka :P.. dat sure can ..specially if u drink it aftr 6 7 whisky pegs :-/.... (dnt ask)

"Who would pack my suitcases now when I go travelling? Who would put my clothes in the wardrobe or my food on my plate? Who would cut my eyebrow hair when they grow too long? Who would pretend to be asleep if I come too close every, as in EVERY night?” "
u do all dat???? woooww hahahahah gr8 yar... ur dude is 1 lucky man must say.... ek sati savitri types wid alld jazz n masala as in tadka maar ke wife... wot else a man can ask 4 :P.. n i MEAN 2 say dat... kya yar badi jaldi shaadi kar li apne... n ur folks 4gt 2 get a younger sis 4 u2 :( ,,,, LMAO :P

i mean 40-22-34.... :P :P HALLLOOO WOMAN ... interesting.. tho u can still manage dat.. courtesy gyms :P :P eating habits.. rather improvd eating habits n surgeries r der alwaz... hmmm naa aguess v men prefer d NATURALS anyday :P :P... tho wud like 2 discuss dis in details but :P :P rahtr not... else it wud sound like men's talk... as in wen v do abt women mayb at tyms :P :P...

chalo movin ahd in d post u alwaz wanted 2 ask MEIN KAHAN HUN???? 2 many soppy hindi movies woman.. dat cus b d reason 1 can die 4 sure :P..

n who said u faild at writing stufff dat ppl wud rmmber u... guess ur jst bein 2 modest sayin dat... u alrdy written alot of stuff n lucky u wud say ppl r remmbr once gone abt der writings.. u on d odr hand my frnd r alrdy a star in ur ltftym writing here :)... n kandho pe bhooj hai dats y u not loosin wght .. try getin it of ur shoulder u jst myt get d 40-22-34 u wantd... wud b a pleasurable site :P :P... ROFL,.... tho lyk i said ur perfect wud say d way u r.. naturally natural insyd out... PERFECT :D.....
so do smthing.. find sm women f ur typs 4 ur toh married n settld now :-/.... n mk d world a happier plc :P :P...

n defntly ne1 who aint met u in der lyftym has wastd it.. will try not 2 b 1 f dos :P :P


PS i wud luv 2b d DUDE DOOM 2tk u away 4in dis lyf tym toh ur alrdy taken :P :P ... keep haunting ..cya arnd

suruchi said...

@Rahul...thank u..
A2 and Awesome quite matches;-)
'Jeeo beta jeeo' na bolo...warna saath mein jeena padega itne din...mereko akele kaun jhelega...lols;-)

suruchi said...

@Sobhit...u make me feel like such a celebrity that half my job satisfaction anyways comes about:-)

And haan yaar...sirf ek chota 30 ml ka vodka is good enough with me...not neat...a dash of lime n sprite...old fashioned and once in a blue moon...but that's all it takes for me;-)

"Ek sati savitri types wid alld jazz n masala as in tadka maar ke wife... wot else a man can ask"
Lolsssssssss...ask my man...he has a list ready of what else he can ask for...;-)
Grass is always greener on the other side for u guys:-))

Hain na....jaldi shaadi kar le na? Koi na...baaki ke sab kaam dheere dheere kar lenge...abhi 18 years hain na;-)

And thank uuuuuuuuuuuu for praising my writing skills...makes me a happy "living" woman and a peaceful dead one someday;-)

And nobody's perfect yaar....but if u insist n as I uphold..I am possibly that 'nobody';-)

U are so cute...Dude Doom would suit u to the hilt:-))
Thanks yaar...u made me smile big for taking out so much time to write this comment:-)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Suru!! always manage to have me in splits...I hope you have your laptop there too - awaiting some raunchy status updates :) aur woh jewellery ka kya tha???? do i stand any chance ;)
-merlin

suruchi said...

@Merlu...split wide open huh?;-)
Absolutely a chance...lage raho tab tak...lolzzzzzzz..and woh laptop I am getting spiritually inbuilt...so that there are "spiritual" updates forever:-)

'The messages from god' category on face book would have new interpretations from then onwards...;-)

sobhit said...

PS u aint dyin dus early :P :P

sobhit said...

actualy had 2 tk out tym :-/... so miss d rest in peace days now,,,, nehw added u up on FB... saw d fb badge here :P... so now wen u die wud knw f ur status upd8 :P :P

indianordinary said...

amazing ... i like your sense of humor ... got to learn a lot from you how to write ... just a beginner myself .... hope i learn thru reading your blogs ..how to put your thoughts ....

suruchi said...

Hey Sobhit....
Wow looks like I am now being waited to be dead;-)Lolsssssssss

P.S.You never know;-)
Send me that fb request...would love to have a friend like u:-)

suruchi said...

Indian ordinary...
Learning from me...??????I don't know what u'd learn from me yaar...

I hope it's worthwhile though:-)
All the very best:-)
Thanks for reading:-))

Prithwish....... said...

hey..
awesome post..inspite of its length, your writing weaved imagination with creativity beautifully...lovely
keep riting...
take care,
cheers!

suruchi said...

Thanks Prithwish...
So sweet of you to keep dropping by:-)
I know about the length...I try so hard to make sense in brief...
But the briefs keep evading me;-)

You take care too,
Cheers!

sobhit said...

"I know about the length...I try so hard to make sense in brief...
But the briefs keep evading me;-)
"
hhahahahaha cudnt help reading ur reply above .... BRIEFS evade u .. haallloooo woman ;p ;P... n alrdy droppd u d FB request it on u 2 accpt it maaadaamm.. :P :P

Shady said...

Ok , this one is well eritten and is for public consumption , write for public that will get ya famous write for yourslef that will get ya famous after you are dead

suruchi said...

@Sobhit...hehe...
I knew someone would get me on that one when I was writing it...
It takes a witty head to know another one;-)

Haallooooooooo man...drop it then;-)

suruchi said...

@Shady...
I write for me only yaar...when I try writing for the public...I fall and stumble big time...:-(

Famous before or after death ke faraq painda hain...as long as I am remembered after I am gone...and positively of course...;-)
Even a handful of you guys remembering me would do:-)

Thank u for spending time here:-)

Cinderella said...

Babe...lol...as much as I would like to reprimand you on how on earth you get to dream of such bizarre stuff, this post is so darn funny that first lemme laugh, I'll come to reprimand tomoro !!!

suruchi said...

Hey Cin...
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease reprimand me...
Laugh n get back soon...:-))

I am waiting for tomorrow...n tomorrow might not come...
So u come back quick;-)

Vemuri said...

Phew - finally managed to finish it - it took me 4 days to read it -not coz it was long or boring but coz the title itself is some thing i never wanted to comprehend - its been 12 months of knowing the guru and hence the preamble
loved "ukatmerokfromasia" name for a new disease innovation, wit, sense of humour and top of it a lovely message of connect before you die - jahapanah tussi gr8 ho :)

suruchi said...

Thanks Sri...:-)
12 months...OMG...itneeeeeee ho gaye:-)
The preamble sounds goooooooood;-)

Jahanpanah nahi yaar...but then if u insist...how can I defer?;-)
As always u are very generous n kind with me...Thank u:-))

Amrit Singh said...

Aila!! enna wada post.. will finish it kal tak and will pakka comment again :)

suruchi said...

Oh teri...
Post length dekh kar maidaan chodh kar bhaag gaye?
Veer tun datte raho nahi sunah?
Lolzzzzzzzz;-)

Ab kam se kam zubaan pe datte rehna...kal aana pukka okay?;-)

Mein bahuuuuuuuuuuuut koshish karte hoon amrit ji...chota mota likhne ke....hota he nahi hain:-(
Ab yeh comment he le lo...
Aapke 2 line pe mere 20...
Mera kuch nahi ho sakta:-(

Haddock said...

Enjoyed reading this.
Always wondered why the person depicting death has to look so morbid like the hooded guy with a sickle, or our own Yem raj.
Liked the last caricature. . . .so colourful

Niraj said...

Hey u have been awarded...check my blog..

http://masallalemonade.blogspot.com/

suruchi said...

Hey Haddock...
Thankssssssss...
Death is considered morbid for some strange reason...when all it brings is peace...
So why die many times worrying about it...let's face it just once when it comes;-)

I also liked the last caricature...more like me...a sporty naughty ghost;-)

suruchi said...

Hey Niraj...
Thank u badaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waala:-)
Saath mein badeeeeeeeeeeeee waale hugssssssssssssssssssss:-)

This is so awesome:-)
*blush,blush...gloat,gloat*

Sourav said...

40-22-34 ..Ab toh paani ki bhi zarurat nai padegi! :P

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