Yesterday my dear beloved returned from a five days ka tour and very tired. We both unwind around midnight with a little time spent on the web on our respective phones before we curl each other instead and last night I finally got a peek at some sacred parts...of his phone that is, before you begin to question me about wtf was I doing with him for twelve years of our marriage then.
Now I am not a ‘Big Boss’ person or a television person per se but then Sunny Leone is as much a household name in India today as is perhaps Sonia Gandhi, for different reasons of course. Twitter went barmy with her entry and I felt compelled to watch the idiot box for an entire five minutes just to see who is firing the imagination faster than AK47 can ever dream of. But thankfully I soon lost interest in their loony tunes.
It has been ages since I watched porn yes, despite it, I am normal and not frustrated in life and she wasn’t going to make me do it, never mind her 'doing' reputation and whatever of mine too after my open declaration for my fixation with Vidya Balan in a previous post because I had opined she was drenching in hotness.
I see you raising an eyebrow at the “ages” and muttering under your breath, eh-‘Tch, tch, yes, of course, what would old people do with porn anyways?’ Phew! Narrow mindedness and prejudice would bring an end to this country faster than the upcoming elections could. Baby, why would I need outside help when I have a more than eager and flourishing help desk right here on the bed? We don’t help ourselves, we get helped all the time #perksofbeingmarried
So, yes, we are talking porn again!
At the risk of sounding old sacrifices I make for your enlightenment, I belong to the generation when porn was not downloadable my god, the auto correct did not check me, you mean to say that really is a word? We had to manually go up to a stupid CD shop and rent it out. My escapades with a group of friends to go out and rent porn have already been enumerated on some post before but then a quick recap does not harm once a teacher, always a teacher.
Those who’ve been around would recall my telling how I found video porn in my parents’ cupboard, securely tucked under a pile of clothes. That was like sher ke mooh mein khoon lagna. Nopes, that does not mean I developed a compulsive disorder for watching porn else I would succumb to forces unknown; it just fuelled the curious cat in me to want more-get to the bottom of it no puns intended. I went out like on an invisible Noah’s ark to ascertain whether the absurd things done on that video cassette were done on a regular basis in all of them or were my janam-dattas just plain lucky to have found some unique stuff. Needless to say, I now know how easy it was and maybe still is to please my simple set of parents.
Anyway, we digress!
So last night after five nights of almost lambi judai, beloved was extra kind with me and on his own, without me having to plead and trade-bargain for it, decided to show me Sunny Leone on his phone. And obviously we are not talking about her strutting around, looking all innocent and cute like two big fat buttons on Big Boss.
“Aha, she is hot and looks less dumb without clothes” is what I said before he nodded his head in agreement. I am sure he just heard the hot part and nodded too soon and didn’t bother about the dumb bit. Hot and dumb are two adjectives that men don’t mind as long as they come in combination. There were just still pictures, though I know somewhere well concealed in some stupid passwords would be the moving ones too-not those moving you to actual tears but those moving you to wetness for sure.
So I eyed some shots with my gaping mouth till beloved had to manually close it with a push of his fore-finger from under my jaw and then we judge how men cheaply open their gaps at the sight of sexy women. “Please don’t tell me you are turned on again” is what his tired face managed to mouth for now. Isshhh thank god no one heard that or saw those harrowed expressions or else they’d think what a torture the poor guy goes through in bed.
“Don’t worry, I don’t find her thaaaaat hot to give up on men altogether or emotionally blackmail you into creeping into my blanket” is what I said to console. I looked back in slow motion at beloved, whose handsome visage was marked with some concern. “I am not worried about that, though doubtful of it....but then see how unfair, such a sweet and nice and pretty girl na, I wonder why she came in this business....” Had he used any more adjectives of the ‘nicer’ kinds, I would have really done something horrible to him under that blanket. Ya, right, the next you would say that she’s so homely and I would inform you that homely does not mean one whom you want to bring home to your bed.
Poor dear beloved, sometimes I wonder why God clubbed me with such a noble, innocent soul while he was at his pairing trip. Perhaps to show the beauty of equilibrium in action! “Really! She’s too pretty for porn? Would you want to watch ugly girls in the act instead? Please don’t tell me that you would for it would make me doubt myself at having turned you on for all these years like I do?”
During the first few years of my marriage we used to rent porn at every blue moon. There was a fat, middle-aged man in our vicinity who ran a grocery store and lent pirated CDs for a side income. Needless to say with a boys hostel just outside his shop, there was more business out of “woh waale CDs hain?” than any yeh ya koi aur waale. Dear beloved also got a whiff of it post his matrimonial status. I am sure that fat ass must have thrown not-so-subtle suggestions as he was grossly suggestive even without the slightest of provocation on a general basis.
So on some Sundays a CD would be rented for a puny Rs 10 and returned back on Mondays. And on some days if beloved left in a hurry and forgot to do so or I needed some general items from his store and reached his door step, I would be greeted with a horrendous grin from the bastard as though he was running in his mind a re-run of “I know what you did last summer” with a different allusion to summer here. But then thankfully came the era of the downloadable and his unbearable grins rested in peace happily ever after.
God, I digress once more.
What were we talking again...ah, Sunny Leone!
Haven’t I spoken enough today already?
Okay, 'she’s hot' is what I muttered to some of my friends today too but apparently not or at least not so much as some Priya Rai-and here I thought my education days were done. All those really dumb jokes of Leone Vs Dharam paaji’s son Sunny had barely done a rest than the ones on Jism-2 starring madam have started doing the rounds. I guess won’t be able to resist her entry in my bedroom for long, will I?
Pardon me but it is midnight once again. Let me see if I could lure beloved into showing me some video clips and lemme play some music in the backdrop to set the mood....#Nowplaying: I’ve got a feeling-that tonight’s gonna be a good night, that tonight’s gonna be a BIG good night!
P.S. Imagine my torture now to have to go through Google images to search for a suitable picture of her to upload with this post #lifeisabitch