The Frogs I Kissed before landing on my Prince Charming!

Hi! Let me share with you my dearies the story of how I landed up where I am today...Alrity, hold those horses...I am not recounting any horny, cheesy, porny story of how I got on “top” of things...
I would like to share with you how many frogs I had to kiss before I could land on my prince charming...indeed again, without any kisses or doing so literally!

As soon as I had entered my athaarva saawan...bole to I had barely bidden good bye to my teens that my parents created a huge circus around me. I was yet to decipher what I had done to generate such a furore, and simply watched with dazed eyes how virtually a boy- finding establishment cropped up around me....flourishing and seething with activity as though it had been under operation from years. Hmm...Maybe like when I was born, the foundation of this co-operative society had been laid...I call it a co-operative because the motto was “Saathi haath badhana...ek akela thak jaayega, mil kar ladke chaatna...”

So every day and everywhere I went...I felt like a Thai sex doll on display, not because I was flaunting my body parts, but because of the curiosity I was breeding. People would scrutinize me from head to toe...ask me what I was doing...or what were my interests...or what had I thought of my future...and I smiled through this Punjabi torture of their mental maths of balancing my equation with any ‘changa munda’ they knew of.
Hey now that I think of it...not bad yaar...I must have been like the most eligible spinster of my town because practically everyone I knew was on a task of finding me a groom.

So after much grinding, elimination, horoscope matching, family investigation, discussion committee proposals (told u it is a bloody full blown set up of the highest order) I would be “shown” to the guy in question.

Scene 1-My virgin experience:
I was taken to Delhi because my papa ke mama ke bahu ke chacha ke saale ka ladka seems to have fit the bill. Phew! Thank god I didn’t get married there...I would have had to learn that relationship string to recite it with professional accuracy every time, to appear how blissfully glad I were about it! Anyways, he and his sister were flying down from Mumbai for a day...just for me! Whoa...thank you for adding the pressures on the already scared to death nineteen year old “kuan ke maindhak”...that was me! Just fresh out of school and up on display in the nuptials domain...with no clue really about anything!

A new salwaar-suit I wore...which was supposed to be decent and nice, bought from a big store of my not so big-small town. Rushed to Delhi...bathed, powdered a bit, my hair combed for the umpteenth time and me told to smile n look down in shyness for bloody umpteenth to the power of 100 times. Meeting point: The Le Meridian- a five star hotel of the capital...target area: the coffee shop!

And after a wait of about half an hour...fashionably late I guess (the boy shouldn’t seem to eager n desperate...@!#$$%) we watched with baited breathe as a five feet five inches something walked in with a five feet seven inches something. The 5.5er was the boy in question...Didn’t you guys tell this “god’s gift to women” (I swear as he trotted with his plump legs forward and I could hear this tag with each bloody step he took towards us) that I am 5 feet 5 inches myself? He was short, plump...okies pleasantly plump...cause so was moi...and superbly obnoxious with his attitude of a Mumbai-ite looking for a simple homely small towner....
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...why didn’t I scream then...I am still wondering n so doing it here n now!

So we settled in and the formalities passed around. I saw my parents fawning for the first time ever and the guests basking in that glory. The sister, straight out of a page 3 circuit...I must say was extremely pleasant, sophisticated and demure.... ‘Where did she pick up her repellent brother from?’ Was a thought I was so tempted to ask but thank god for prudence and timely silence...

The menu cards were handed down and I could hear the “order something betaji” being crooned from all corners by my parents n maamas and the mediators to our venerable guests...
“Aunty ji” said the pear lump...oops sorry the pear shaped boy... “Do you mind if I take Suruchi for a walk and maybe we get to talk a little?”
“Of course not beta ji...you must know each other better. But first please have something...errr...coffee, tea or maybe some drink-shrink?” My mom here trying to gauge if the munda has any “bad” habits...Does he drink, smoke or womanize would all be fathomed by his next answer? “No aunty ji...I don’t take drinks regularly and definitely not in the afternoons...I’d order a cappuccino”

Phew! Thank god the boy’s side didn’t hear the loud sighs of relief from my camp or realize that he had already passed one litmus test that should take him to the next level of suitability...never mind if he looked like he’s not slept since he was born. So we peeped into the menu card...for I had yet to discover what the fuck was a cappuccino...I was hoping it would have something to do with Chinese food...coz at 19 Maggie n Chinese were my dream come true...I guess often they still are!

Bloody Rs. 350 for a cup of coffee...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cappuccino must be like elixir and it better taste as one coz I heard my mom blurting... “Alright then...waiter...cappuccinos for everyone...” Helloooo mom...I want a cold coffee with dollops of ice cream, dripping with smooth chocolate sauce n loads of nuts, garnished my wafer and chocolate bits that I can savour with a lick of my lips and some orgasmic pleasure on one side of the table....
But mums can be pretty unreasonable at times...and this was one of those golden moments when I knew I better not open my mouth to make my ‘outstanding’ suggestions.

The cappuccinos arrived just in time to rescue us from a long recital of how he was making millions maybe with every move he made...not on the tread mill of course...!
Hmmm...The smug reactions of my camp...could almost see a thought bubble over their heads that said “Hamare beti to yahan raaj karege!” Another thought bubble over the boy’s head that said, “Oh I am so smart...oh I am so sexy...oh I am so super-duper good...n oh, oh...” Would someone give me a needle to prick some of his bubbles coz they were reproducing by the minute!

The cappuccino as expected tasted bitter and horrible...why torture your system with something so distasteful...yup, I am still talking of the coffee n not the guy! And we were finally told to walk about the lobby and check out the shops...yippieeeeeee....would he make me shop...hehe...high hopes we all have when we are 19!

And so we walked and talked!
To think I made him ‘move’ his legs for a change...he should have fallen down on his knees and thanked his lucky stars for me!
And then began a volley of bizarre questions...
I was briefed earlier about the agenda and my modus operandi at such a crucial juncture....
“Talk less...just answer....don’t ask too many questions...and smile”
So I guess I did all the above four steps at the same time and looked like a jack ass of the highest order!

I smiled non stop...hey I couldn’t help it really...the guy was actually funny...ROFLMAO funny yaar!
I answered mostly in mono syllables, didn’t ask him much...not that he shut his gap for a reasonable amount of time to allow me to do that! I remember however something insane he asked me....
“Hey, have you watched this latest movie...errr....English movie...I don’t watch Hindi movies, you see- ‘Austin Powers, the spy who shagged me’? So what do you think about it?”

Hmm...A million dollar question that was...It was to seal my fate with this guy...it would tell how happening or otherwise I was...it was to tell what my views were on the “shagging” bit and despite my limited knowledge...I knew “shag” was not such a good word...
So I thought and thought n thought n said...
“No I haven’t...what do you think about it?” Pretty safe I thought...put the balls in his court...heavens knew he needed some!
And there began another round of “blah, blah, blah n me, me, and me” till he finally suggested...“Let’s go back to the coffee shop...they must be wondering.” I gave him a smile that almost screamed, “I thought you would never ask!”

Ya, ‘wondering’ if I am still alive or choked to death by the moron with curly hair...on his head of course...small squintish eyes...ugly teeth and bloated with himself like a fluffed winged pigeon!
Also wondering if he decided to take me to a hotel room instead to check me out even better;)

I returned back to sanity and final pleasantries were exchanged and good bye time came about...My father paid several crisp thousand rupee notes and we all extended the plastic smiles to their full bloom one last time before we’d all get out of one another’s sight and relax those over-taxed jaws. “We’ll let you know aunty ji over the phone as soon as I reach home and ask Munna about this” said the sissy...not the boy yaar...the boy was munna or monu or baba...whateverrrrrrrr...it was his sister who spoke before they whisked past in their Mercedes!

Precisely four hours later the phone rang...imagine the scene like they show in the Hindi movies...a child has been kidnapped and the kidnappers are going to call to tell about the ransom and the meeting spot...So everyone in the room is in nervous anticipation...you could almost see some beads of sweat trickling down...the ring brings in a close up of each face with a dramatic background sound...as one man rises with suspense to pick up the receiver...and slowly says “hello”...hehe...aisa he kuch hua tab bhi!

And I was rejected!
Hahahaha....
I didn’t laugh then, so I am kinda making up for it now...
And the cherry on the cake...
His reasons for citing the refusal....
“She’s too simple and shy, doesn’t talk much, just smiles and didn’t even ask me anything....”
Bloody hell....so much for my trustworthy counsellors misguiding me....actually thank god for them...bless you guys! Well done!

So we packed our boriya bistar and headed back home!
I failed in my virginal attempt...I wanted to tell my parents that it’s ok...I am just one boy down...hehe...not how you think...god bless your dirty mind too...but then like always... I just shut up and enjoyed the moment of me having escaped the idea of having to live with the pear lump....I hope you are happy somewhere and flourishing even more...one last nice word for you coz I have been kinda mean here with you: I miss your millions darling but not you...!

(P.S. For more updates on my dear frogs....watch this space for a sequel....this post has run too long!)

Proverbs Screwed Up for Good!

(The subject matter here has adulterous content...viewer’s discretion is solicited...Yup, we know that the author is also an English teacher...but please bear in my mind this does not raise a finger at her teaching n imparting skills or put her own grey matter into dubious slotting. This perhaps would be one of her many alter egos at work...or rather at play! Please note: this was not what she was telling her students while explaining the actual meaning of proverbs...this was what was silently going on in her own devilish mind while they slogged on the path of her enlightment!)

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy:
Unless the work or kaam is like kaama (sutra) and the ‘fore’ is attached to ‘play’... be sure Jack would never have a dull day!

Every dog has his day:
And considering the fact that it’s said all men are dogs...there can only be one way to make him ‘have’ or ‘eat’ his day and way...give him a mouthful and.....wait for life to not act like a bitch and give you one too...your day that is! Waise did you hear that one...just when you realize that life is a bitch...she also gives you puppies!

First come, first served:
But if the service is poor at the virginal attempt...can we “come” again?;)

All’s well that ends well:
Yup, when you reach the mind blasting climax then all anti climatic journeys are forgotten!

An idle brain is the devil’s workshop:
And then an idle body? –the devil’s “go-down”...

Once bitten, twice shy:
Hmm...this one’s weird...coz once you get the taste of a love bite...mmmm...my oh my...just screw being shy!

A bird in hand is worth two in a bush:
Makes sense...the two in the bush would already be super engrossed n indulged, at least the “chick” “in hand” sounds more use-able;)

A stitch in time saves nine:
But just imagine if the right stitch fell apart at the right moment from the right place of the right voluptuous body...it would buy her guaranteed nine..................followers wanting an encore!
So some stitches should not be saved but left alone to be unravelled!

A fool and his money are soon parted:
Should be and could be...though one question...parting money seems technically possible, but how do you part a fool in two...ouch, that must hurt!

As you sow, so shall you reap:
Ya, screw a Negro and don’t expect a white child!

God helps those who help themselves:
So there’s hope for all those who are helping themselves...there is a god and someone, somewhere is made for you...to screw too!

Absence makes the heart go fonder:
Ya right again...fonder of the gal next door for sure!

A thing well begun is half done:
Ahem, ahem...begun to theek hain...but don’t leave it half done yaar...’well’ or no well...mission should be accomplished...killa ko fateh karna zaroor...otherwise that should hurt again!

Beggars must not be choosers:
Oh ya, when you are begging...you don’t dare to choose...just grab...kya pata kal woh bhi ho na ho!

Actions speak louder than words:
But I guess exceptions exist...when you hear their “yes, yes, yes” louder than the banging action at the next door!

Necessity is the mother of invention:
Makes you wonder whom ‘necessity’ screwed to end up with something so new as invention...should we ask the ‘father’ of the nation? But then they confuse again by saying familiarity breeds contempt...would words please stop f***ing themselves and our directions?

A drowning man will catch at the straw:
Well...wtf would he do with the straw now if he is already indulging and drowning in pleasure...suck the liquid out of his surroundings to save himself? For once please don’t intend the pun here!
Rather let him gobble hic and gulp it all down!

Barking dogs seldom bite:
Means never trust someone who makes tall claims to fame in the sack of course...try, test and then seal it...not literally! Instead of a bite, they might just generally purr or lick and be done before the kick!

Do not put all your eggs in one basket:
Why put your eggs in the basket in the first place? Let them reach out to where they truly belong...to those wriggly wobbly thingies and create life again!

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise:
And also makes his wife run away with other guys...
So he is left alone to screw his health, wealth and wisdom!

Easier said than done:
I guess they are talking of the 69th commandment!

Empty vessels make the most sound:
Acha? I thought it was my horny boy next door...with his gals galore! Anyways, next time don’t do it in a vessel or keep the mouth appropriately shut!

Example is better than precept:
Sometimes practical risks go a long way in bringing home the subject than just ogling at it!

Great minds think alike:
Take them to bed and there’d be no thinking at all...great minds do alike too!

If the mountain will not go to Mohammad, Mohammad must go to the mountain:
Well, how does it matter who goes to whom, as long as we all “come”!

If wishes were horses, beggars might ride:
Hadh hain...if wishes were horses, beggars would still just wanna ride???????????? Come on, come on, and come on...hey I am just suggesting a phrase they use on the horse while riding it!

When in Rome do as the Romans do:
Just do it, do it to me baby, do and done, been there done that...whatever...never harms to do it in their way...but show us the way first ;)

It’s no use crying over spilt milk:
Yup, better to clean up the spilt stuff and leave no trace of it ever done! And if you need to shed anything honey...let them be tears of joy and shedding of inhibitions! Use the spilt make to conjure up something nutritious...arrey baba, this is seriously just a health tip-no puns intended!

Jack of all trades master of none:
Well, well did anyone ever tell you that an all trader is a first grader with women...what would you do with being a master of a nun anyways?


Uff...this was my crappiest best!
Sorry for wasting your time on this one...
Off on a mini vacation...would rejuvenate, experiment, indulge...in thoughts of course and return with more....sense hopefully!

Different Kinds of Face Bookers!

Face book has brought about a revolution of kinds, as it provides to a user a plethora of opportunities for his physical, moral, emotional and spiritual development...
Acha zyaada ho gaya....
No development really but then loads of fun!
So anybody who is a ‘somebody’ must be on Face book!
It’s a child’s play to sign and log in, so you can get there...but like you get into the world easily but from there onwards, you’ve got to prove your worth...same is the case here! And once you from a part of a clan, there comes the need to classify and justify your existence! This post is in reference to a CNN article that I brushed through, thanks to a dear friend and he asked me for my take! Hence this sarcastic view of this social networking site, that I am an avid fan of!


(A)THE ADDICTED FACE BOOKER:
This qualifies to be tackled first because being on Fb and being addicted is almost synonymous. This category it seems was virtually born on the net and their parents may have been some kind of world web virus...for these folks are always online at any moment of time in the day! However for complete comprehension, we would have to break down the trunk into many branches extending further. You may have one or an amalgamation of almost all these variations.


THE STATUS UPDATER:
These specimens update status every two hours or even before, if enough mileage has been extracted already. So you know if they’ve brushed their teeth, taken a shower, caught on to the elevator or taken the stairs. They reach office at what time or if they are stuck in the jam...or if they are looking at the walls or feeling sleepy....zzzzzzzzz...(Tell me about it!).
It’s a great pleasure to take a peek into a friend’s life who puts it up wittily enough in this short space...but otherwise it often borders onto the territory of spam.
And funnily enough they have a line of equally vella fan following that would jump on the band wagon to comment suitably or just as dumbly on the by-the-minute happenings!

Their status would range from sympathy cries “...is very unhappy...”
To fishing for compliments “...is 99% an angel...” to declaring the news “...says Michael Jackson is dead...” to creating dumb mysteries inviting pokes “...is feeling...” You’ll get lyrics of songs from them to copied messages from mobile networks...some of them are as long as an essay in itself!


THE COMMENTATOR:
This lad or lass has just one aim in life...let my presence be felt on every post appearing on my news feed...let me be in circulation to emphasize my existence...let me drench the world with my wit that must suitably sparkle at all and sundry. So you find a comment by him on everything possible happening on his screen and unfortunately also on yours!


THE REPARTEE EXPERTS:
These move in a step further and create a conversation of sorts on their status updates and posts. One-liners are thrown off as volleys at one another while their rest of the world sits through the string of some 80-100 comments whereby the users exchange from...Hello! How are you? What were you doing just now...to the more sensible assertive like virtually starting up a debate! It’s as though no distance of time or space exists in between and the twosome, threesome and many-somes, who get cosy on the on-screen discussion! Sometimes even world- saving treatise occurs here, so we better silent the mockery horses.


THE PHOTO UPLOADER:
These people are addicted to uploading pictures of all possible positions (ahem! Ahem!), situations and incidental occurrences in their lives. So on display would be...the new hair cut, the visit to the grocery store, the night out, the puke glory of a hangover and the groggy look of the morning there after...The family album that include also Ramu kaka, their pet, the friendly neighbour with a grin or the not so friendly one with anger on the brim. You view not just what they ate during the holiday but also where they took it all out after the bowel movements became unbearable!


THE GAMBLING GAMER:
The mafia wars, the Farmville, the poker mania, the fish aquariums, and the scrabble word games...to think that these specimens have reached their virtual childhood! They bog you with gifts for your farm despite your repeated pleas that you are not a farmer or you are a Gandhi follower in non-violence. Fb notifies you that ‘congratulations, so and so won a round with the help of your mafia sword’....Whoa! When did I send that? But before you rejoice at the prospect of being paid in cash for your assistance, in return another equally insane gift of a mafia nut or screw would pop up on your screen by these game buggers. Hellooooo! This is a communication website...try playing other kind of games here for a change!


THE INFINITE ADDENDUM SENDER:
Hereby you receive a morning cuppa coffee, to a bouquet of daisies, to big bear hugs to kinky accessories to wise sayings to a diamond necklace...anything and everything is available on the shelf to gift and send for no one’s screwing or suing you for lack of actual receptions! You are the virtual king and a millionaire of this make belief world. So don’t be surprised if someone named an island after you or board a helicopter to go looking for it by the map! As if that’s not all...they’d send you the dumbest of quizzes ever...How sexy is your name? How potent is your sex appeal? When will you die? (Waise my result mentioned I would die on 23rd July 2009...so beware I am the friendly neighbourhood ghost at play here) What aura are you? Or even that your friend “bought” you in $100....yup, you can just raise your eyebrow in disdain of how low your worth was gauged or giggle back and buy the friend in just $50!


THE SELF PATRON:
Aaaaaaaah...this guy or gal has the best of reports going for him. The quizzes show...he is 99% loveable...she’s the social butterfly of whom people can’t get enough of...he’s chocolaty dipped sweet...she’s god’s gift to mankind...he’s 85% intelligent and 86% sensitive...
Even their dumb naughty cookies, mirror analysis or Anita’s predictions there proclaim to all and sundry...honey, you attract like a magnet...Is it hot here or is it you? ...You will charm the wit with your infinite beauty...ya, ya, ya...why not?
Hehe...I think they keep clicking onto “publish another” tab till they come across a self promoting backer. They’d let the world know how many hugs, smiles, hearts, love they receive each day...or what a splendid message they have derived from “god”!
If the world should not acknowledge our genius...we might as well force it down their throat!



(B) THE SLY STALKING FACE BOOKER:
This guy would rarely or never appear on your news feed...below his dignity to upload a status or a picture or to let know the 333 friends on his friends list about what’s happening in his life. But meet him at a social do and he’d be the loudest to point out to you in a crowd....
“You are the face book king/queen...always online kya? Aap to chaaye hue hain Face book pe...I daily see updates from you...where do you get time for so much indulgence?” Now WTF...! Will someone please remind this jerk that I take out time just in the same way as he does “daily” to check out what I am up to. He may not be commenting on your activities but mind you he knows it all. He’s the silent lurker...the hidden stalker...and the dumb schmuck who derives some insane pleasure in making you feel how down market you are to be so net addicted...Oh so propah, huh? Whateveeeeer...!


(C) THE ONCE IN A VERY BLUE MOON FACE BOOKER:
Hmm...This variety comes online once in a trillion years as though obliging the lesser mortals with their virtual presence or ensuring that Fb won’t spam their account if they don’t. So if you had sent them a message or post asking even a world-saving query, you receive a reply some light years later that would make you boggle and scratch your hair to try and fathom what in God’s name had you asked in the bloody first place.


(D) THE INBOX FETISH:
This guy wants all communication solely on or through the inbox. He wants to be a part of your life but feels indignant at the idea of the world knowing about it. Makes you wonder sometimes what’s wrong with him or worse what’s so horribly incorrect about you to lead to such a hypothesis. So there just might be a thread of 300-400 messages in your inbox...but whoosh is the word if you try and bring them on your wall!


Other lesser known categories would be:
THE POKER: Keeps poking you every time you open the page...the motive is perhaps to make you retired hurt or succumb to the injuries attained thereby.

THE SOCIAL CAUSES SENDER: He truly believes that he can change the world by assembling enough support to his causes.

THE NOTE MAKER: A writer unleashed or simply a hopeless case of copy and paste...but do take note of him please or he’ll make it a note to notify you always!

THE LINK SENDER: To think his parents were some kind of chains and he wants the world to be connected link by link till it goes yard by yard!

THE PHOTO OF THE DAY/ FRIEND OF THE DAY/ ENEMY OF THE DAY....THE DAY LIVER: This is perhaps what’s called “Ek din ka raja”.

THE BAD GRAMMARIAN BUT REFUSING TO GIVE UP: Phuleezeee spare us the comments where we need to decode what’s supposed to be written in English grammar or English spellings...like: fakt of lyf- r bodys ful of watr bt wen it hurts blud oozes out. n r hearts r ful of blud bt wen it hurts watr kums out frm r eyes!!!! Lyfs 2 hectic
You bet it is...when u need to unscramble all of this!

THE CHEAP-THRILL-ONE-TRACK MINDER: I know that would be me, so the less said here, the better!

THE GROUP JOINER: He’s a fan of everything...from McD’s burger to Gucci shoes...from raste ke chaat to Dilli haat...from the latest song to ‘dude, do you have an extra pen?’...from getting up late in the mornings to partying late at night...the fan clubs galore!

Okies...phew!
This has gone long enough... and if you are still reading this...Hey can I join your fan club?
But pardon me now fellas...I must stop here to add this as a note on my face book profile (it’s been almost an hour since I did anything up there...they must be wondering if I am still alive!). So I need to update my little world of 250 friends that they must read it along with uploading a suitable picture of me there to lure in some 80-100 comments and bask in its glory eventually....
Who the bloody hell still says I am addicted to Face book?

Top 10 favourite drama lines of The Drama Queen-ME!

Some dialogues achieve legendary status...
They are repeatedly used and abused to highlight the drama that people and situations are capable of. I have been universally acclaimed as the ‘Drama Queen’, ‘Madam Nautanki’, etc., by my so-called friends and acquaintances and I try all in my powers to maintain and fulfil the expectations...haan jab tak hain jaan lalalalalaaa jaane jahan dramaaa karoongi types!
What is life yaar without a little natakiye spectacle anyways! Like a dear friend of mine asks... ‘Aap kabhi normal bhi rehte hain ya yeh hi aapka so-not-normal self hain?’ Now what do you answer to that! So here are some lines that I love to croon and torture the world with, when I am not taken seriously and these lines ensure that it does not stir the fabric of this recognition status.


1. “Hey bhagwaan....yeh sab sun ne se pehle mujhe utha kyon nahi liya”
This is my eternal favourite. I am guilty of using it almost on a daily basis and before you so much as blink an eye lid I may have improvised it, to rise to the occasion. Romance at short notice is my speciality! Kabhi kabhi some dumb asses maroo retorts back like... “Uthaya nahi kyonki tere ko uthaane ke liye crane bulaana padega” to which I just say “veryyyy funnyyyy” and go about my way!

Like say a photograph in which my dear beloved is cosily posing with a female friend.... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab dikhaane se pehle yeh friend ko kyon nahi utha liya”...or someone unflatteringly fails to make a right pass during a chat... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab sunwane se pehle aapka laptop kyon nahi conk off ho gaya....”
See practical thinking at its very best. Ab why should I ask bhagwaan to pick ME up only all the time, when I can get away with the actual pain in the ass, with the same pleading?
And ‘hey’ bolte he bhagwaan ji, would actually oblige!


2. "Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain"
Mere to dil mein hamesha he khayaal aate rehte hain yaar and it’s best not asked kiss kiss tarah ke khayaal coz they are kiss worthy actually...but just not so kissable by all!
Like this is my favourite when I plan to get on to the nerves of my beloved:
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain....
Ya mein aur mere tanhaaye aksar yeh baatein karte hain...
Ke agar abhi aap hote to kaisa hota...
Aap is baat pe mujhe tokte aur mein ushe baat ko nazar andaaz karte....
Aap is baat pe mujh se argue karte, mein us baat pe aapko ignore karte...hehe...
Improvise baby...that’s the name of the game!


3. “Kutte kaminey...tumhare ghar mein ma-bahen nahi hain kya”
And if it’s a gal (thanks to section 377, we now have best of both worlds accessible) it is equally mouth-able to ask: tumhaare ghar mein baap-bhai nahi hain kya...
And if by chance this mother of all dumb query is made to me...I simply retort back...
“Hain na...bas aapke he kami hain...chalta kya?”;)

Arrey kutte kaminey se ek aur yaad aaya:
“Kuttey kamine mein tera khoon pe jaaonga”
Tch, tch...kyon bhai...aap Dracula ho? Itne he pyaas lagi hain to kuch dhang ka peyo na jaa ke...kya khoon-shoon pe rahe ho...Woh to waise he peeto ho saara din, straw laga laga ke...and bheja saath mein chaat ke;)

Aur ‘tumhare’ se ek aur yaad aaya...abhi abhi:
“Mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banane waalen hoon”
What crap yaar...which wife says like that to her husband? Would make even the husband doubt if he lawfully married this girl or is a bastard on his way! This is best used when someone tries to get very comfy with you...just turn around and say... “Agar aap aise he karte rahe to mujhe majboorab sab ko yeh bataana he padega ke mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banana waale hoon”....and hope to dear god that he is not a quick wit to answer back n whoosh...just disappear!


4. “Mujhe chodh do....bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chodh do...mein tumhaare pao padte hoon...meine tumhaara kya bigaada hain?”
Now, now...there are some serious faults with this one, evoking the million dollar question: what the bloody hell was the dialogue writer thinking while coining this one!
* ‘Mujhe chodh do’...matlab it’s ok to hear it as a phrase strung together....but just imagine....haan,haan...just suppose the lady had to write a letter instead asking her to be left alone? Then she must specify that chodh here means leave...otherwise technical locha ho sakta hain na beedu...
* Then ‘bhagwaan ke liye chodhne’ ka kya fayda...He is neither seen nor felt...then leaving oneself for Him makes a rather longish wait for unguaranteed fulfilment...what say?
* N darling agar paon mein giroge to physical contact hoga...physical contact hoga to sexual tension aur badhege...n agar aur badhe to bloody what’s the purpose of this self defying dialogue?
* Hmmm...n agar mera kuch ‘bigaada nahi’ to abhi tak kuch sawaara bhi to nahi...abhi kuch to karo meri jaan...
Oye, aisa mein nahi...ranjeet-types log keh sakte hain na...to phir...another fuddu dialogue gone down the drain!


5. “Mauuusi ji....mein neeche aa raha hoon mausi ji...duniya waaloon mein koodne ja raha hoon... marne ja raha haon mausi ji....”
Now please don’t ask me ‘yen key yen keen bola' kinky then I’ll ask u ‘tumhaara naam kya hain Basanti”...
These are like ultimate in drama yaar...
Marne ka mood na bhi ho...The moment u stretch that word ‘mauuusi jiiii’...somehow mood ban jaata hain yaar....


6. “Cognac sharaab nahi hote”....
“And sharaab nahi peene chahiye, maloom kyon...kyonki sharaab peene se lever kharaab ho jaata hain...”
Oho...Sridevi oozing with sex appeal, agar oomph kar ke bole cognac sharaab nahi hote...any man worth his mettle would not dare to disagree....So dearies, you just need to say it as coyly and seductively n get away with another tequila shot or a vodka peg!
And when dearly beloved ko check karna ho...So give him the ‘lever kharaab hota hain’ bull shit of Amitabh Bachchan...haaiyn!


7. “Bade bade shehron mein aise chote chote baatein to jaate hain senorita...
Rahul...naam to suna hoga”
Suruchi...naam to suna hoga....acha nahi suna...phitte mooh, ke kitta phir itne din is planet pe...chal oye koi gal nahi... let’s try this....
My name is Arora....Suruchi Arora....
Bhak saala...naam bhi James Bondish nahi hain yaar....
Par chalo...abhi tak nahi suna to kya hua...abhi sun liya na...abhi yaad rakhne ka...warna ek kaan ke neeche bajake deneka...


8. “NAHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN...in tak pahunchne ke liye tumhe mere laash par se guzarna padega....”
Kya drama hain yaar yeh....tumhaare body na hue...municipality ka pull ho gaya which you have to cross to reach to the other side...
Last time I marooed this dumb nut of a comment to my hubby’s friend...you know what he said....acha theek hain phir...leet jao tum mein guzarta hoon tumhaare upar se with a devilish glint in his eyes..................................................................
Needless to say I am now more meticulous in choosing kissko allow karna hain mere laash par se guzarne ko...after all corpses also have some standards yaar...no thoroughfare this is!


8. “Khush to tum bahuuuuut hoge aaj”
Waah waah...when someone makes good food woh kehte hain na “man karta hain banana waale ke haath choom loon...”
Too bad you can’t say the same thing, when someone says a good dialogue...Abe kya choomoge...bolne waale ke hooth?
Anyways, Suruchi...don’t digress....What I mean is it’s a beautiful dialogue...keep it on your finger tips guys...kabhi bhi kisse ko bhi bajake maaro yeh line...saala kabhi doobara khush hone ke galti nahi karta...or depending upon how pathetic is your situation...ROFLMAO bhi ho sakta hain....user’s discretion solicited....

Waise the same flick may be gave us another all time favourite...
“Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...tumhaare pass kya hain?
Mere pass ma hain...maaaaaaaa....”

This one was best interpreted when I phenkoed it to my brother who has my genes and hence equally prone to doing drama at the drop of the hat....
Me: Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...
Bro: Mere pass bhi bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar bhi hain
Me: Abe...to saala apne ma kisske pass hain....hehe....


9. “Shaanth ho ja gada dhaari bheem...shaanth”
This one’s so cute...kisse ko bhi shaant karna ho...Aiyla bole to supaari wupaari nahi yaar...shaant temperament karne ka...
Use this cutie pie of a dialogue...bound to bring in smiles....


10. “Hey bhagwaan, mein loot gaye, mein barbaad ho gaye...”
Lo, one point that I have discovered in this dialogue-giri session...yaar bhagwaan bahut popular hain writer log mein...jab dekho kisse bhi situation mein unko koi na koi bula ke ya tapka ke rehta hain...Poor God ji...no rest, all day working at the beck n call of someone who says bhagwaan, mujhe utha lo...or mujhe bhagwaan ke liye chodh do or then again...bhagwaan, mein loot gaye n bardbaad ho gaye...

High time God ji u say back “to yaar ab mein kya karon is mein...maza sab tum log looto n baat baat pe mere ko poke kar ke bulaao....
Kya socha tha...bhagwaan khush hoga...shaabaashi dega....Bahuuuuuuuuuuut nainsaafi hain...thai, thai, thai...soowar ke bachchon....!”

How to keep the Husband Hooked n Booked?

How to keep the husband hooked n booked?
-THE ESSENTIAL COMMANDMENTS...

Part 1:
Little everyday efforts which every woman should practise...and please it doesn’t make us drubbed or less feminist:

1. Wake him up each day with a gentle pat on the cheek and a hush mush voice, coming close and resting your cheek on his...make sure this does not become a startling act instead...just a tender ‘wake up to me honey’ kinda thing.

2. Follow it up with a kiss on the cheek and a hug...just as his eyes have opened up...it is always soothing to feel you are waking up to a dream come true and also always hug, snuggle and kiss good night...sleeping into a dream!

3. Make sure he gets his meals as soon as he comes on the dining table or on time...the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...but then only when it is empty and not stretched!

4. Keep his cupboards neat and things easily accessible. Don’t tamper with his things without asking...

5. Cook food or contrive anything reasonably edible even if he wakes you up at 4 am (yes, in the morning) for it.

6. It makes you no less modern if you press his feet once in a while after a tiring day or give him a hot oil head massage...and watch how eagerly the favours are returned...you’d be surprised to find that men love it if their shoes and socks are removed lovingly by you once in a while.

7. Drop all chores and greet him with a smile and a hug when he returns back from work...and follow it up with a glass of water...that’s the least by the way...I am leaving room for innovation n improvisation here.

8. Stand by him if he’s been slighted or ignored, especially by family members or relatives from your side.

9. Always ask your man’s choice before picking up clothes for yourself and try to follow mostly what he suggests. Makes him feel that you value his opinion! If his own choice sucks...give him option between the two things that you most like in the shop and any one of them, if picked, would do just as well!

10. When he is talking to you...lend him your ears (and the rest of the body too) completely and show no distractions...Nothing interests a man than a woman who’s interested in him...ok, correction...a “hot” woman who’s interested in him!

11. Once in a while, cancel outing programmes when he’s not in the mood or tag along even if disinterested, when he’s all for a party....kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padta hain...kabhi kabhi hansne ke liye thoda rona padta hain!

12. Keep his hot water bucket ready and covered with a sill before he gets into the loo for a shower...refurnish his toothbrush, toothpaste, his shaving blades, etc before he’d have to ask you for it. Heck, I even used to keep his entire clothes from the UG’s to the sparkling shoes ready and laid out on the bed before he got out of the bathroom.

13. If he goes to work unwell, call up a couple of times to ensure he’s ok or send in a medicine...stay up with him if he can’t sleep...a cuddle here works wonders.

14. Be the one to initiate a kiss and make up...saying sorry never hurts anyone....we can’t compete with men’s ego anyways!

15. Take the enterprise to dress with just as much bother when going out alone with him...as you do when going out with couple friends.

16. Laugh at his jokes and with him...go up to him if he’s standing alone at a party or getting bored, even of it means leaving your own gang...

17. Avoid blame games and angry outbursts and the phrase “I told you so...” Keep the explaining for later when you both are quieter.

18. Give him space...for boys night out, for watching television late night or being on the internet once in a while, for wanting to be alone, for choosing the clothes he wants to wear, etc.

19. Make him feel it is ok with you if he communicates with female friends...in fact share his interests in the opposite sex by being casual about it, encouraging him to feel free to share things with you.

20. Remember the tasks he asked you to carry out before leaving for work or make a note of them...get his medicine, sew the button, keep the evening shirt ironed, call up the sick relative, get the fused tube light changed, or the spider webs from the bathroom window removed, etc. Get it done without reminders!




Part 2:
These are sure shot winners, come on gals add that zing and dash of romance:
1. Remember dates and days that matter to him...and make them special and memorable...like the day he grabbed a big contract or deal, calls for a pastry n candle waiting on his return that says “You are a genius”

2. His birthdays should be flooded with special gestures- give him as many knick knacks as gifts as the age he is stepping into...a surprise party...candle lit your room...make him a king for the day!

3. Hold hands sometimes in public like while watching a movie in a theatre or playing footsy from under the table.

4. Form your own codes to be able to send across a message even in a crowd...like touching the nose means wanna hug you, pulling ears stands for a much needed kiss....and so on!

5. Occasionally put little notes in his travelling bag, in office pouch or in his cupboard to remind him of you always.

6. Have your own song that reminds you of each other whenever it’s played anywhere...create a love poem for him with mad personal touches of course and yup keep the language simple...you are not writing for Shakespeare, gals!

7. Put photographs of your holidays or just the two of you together in the room...on the walls or in frames on shelves around...nope, you are not giving him an overdose of you...you remind him every now and then that his life with you is beautiful.

8. Text personal mobile love messages just like that and send them each day, till it becomes a ‘looking forward to’ habit...make the message sexy to double the impact...men go dumb n numb under the influence of seductive provocation, even if it’s just in words!

9. A nice body massage if done properly can ignite many a flame...introduce more physical variety to spice up lives...and throw the head-ache woes out of the window...Take a spa treatment together or gift him one...showers together always do more than just double cleaning!

10. Buy new lingerie every now and then...there’s nothing as exciting for him to hear you say mischievously... ‘you get into bed and I’ll be back in a minute’ ...and then come back n how;)

11. Tuck him in bed and under the sheets every night...make him cosy howsoever he may desire it....and by how so ever...I hope so ever that you get my point

12. Say ‘I love you’ everyday and in every possible way...like in the fog clad night, written with your fingers on the glass of the car...or after a hot bath on the steam masked mirror...on the sand or with bamboo sticks laid out on the beach...with diyas saying it adorning the floor when he walks in for a surprise.

13. Go for walks or long drives just like that...create a CD of all his favourite songs and put that on or update his I-pod...have morning tea or after dinner walk together...form rituals and be around at the times when he is mostly alone...fill up his voids.

14. Plan a boys night out for him that’s a surprise...do all the bookings and maybe once in a blue moon make it an all expenses paid outing...you would have a rent in your pocket but never in your heart

15. Keep buying gifts of no reason or occasion for him every now and then....like a shirt when you go shopping for yourself, or a take away burger when you went for your gals only brunch!

16. It makes a man so proud when the girl on his arm shows him a hot chick that he must check out before she gets out of the domain. He’d just be looking at her with you, instead of looking for excuses to send you in the shops and then ogle. I do that all the time...sometimes we even discuss the assets and their worth and have a good laugh over it.

17. Share his past...make him talk about his school days, college gigs, girlfriends n crushes, memorable moments...gently persist of he resists and not forcefully demand...and please don’t hold on to the past...learn to accept it and move on.

18. Take him out for a date dinner some night...He does not need to take his wallet because this one’s on you...drive him there, keep a mini bar ready in the car (means two glasses, an ice bucket a packet of chips and the drinks...see not much!) and push back his seat and let him relax...make sure to stop the car in a deserted place for some sweet “mouth” savouries every now and then!

19. Learn to pack his suitcase for his journeys and make the effort to ensure his comfort like put newspapers in the shirts so that they don’t crinkle, a mini medical kit, extra polythenes to put in used clothes, etc.

20. You must give him a hang of close...real close dancing at least once through a dancing out night...it should be his moment there with you when you make him unaware of people, noise or other hot chicks around coz you are stupendously n teasingly close yet not really “in”.


Part 3:
What every woman should know...and remember too for these are the basics...The ABC...I know you know, but a reminder never hurts...
1. Respect his parents.
2. Appreciate his efforts n shower compliments regularly.
3. Keep his home and home atmosphere neat and pleasant.
4. Share his hassles and encourage his interests.
5. Control your anger and never shout at him.
6. Adapt to his friends...at least sometimes if not always.
7. Cook what he likes occasionally.
8. Look presentable when you go out, if not a head turner.
9. Learn to trace his mood and act accordingly.
10. Give him company and time.
11. Don’t nag, complain or crib all the time.
12. Don’t start off with in-laws woes as soon as he enters home.
13. Don’t go on n on about your own parents and family.
14. Don’t compare him with anyone, even to educate him.
15. Don’t underestimate the power of physical intimacy.
16. Never laugh at him publically or check him always on his actions.
17. Never criticize a gift given by him.
18. Money doesn’t count all the time...don’t scrutinize or post-mortem all his spending.
19. Be yourself!
20. Keep the romance alive, be his support and strength and by his side always.

Happy hubby humping!

An Open Letter to You My Love...

Dear Beloved,
You asked me to write something for you and I smiled...
Not just expressed in the uplifting corners of my mouth,
But also a springing or a bounce within...
An outcome of eternal bliss that you give to me,
By everything you say and the little-little things you do everyday...
Nobody has asked me ever to write something for them...
Well, nobody has ever done or said so many things to me
That you do and say...
It’s as though together we sublime...
It’s as though with full right you demand something that’s yours
And with full peace, I provide you something that’s no longer mine!

What do you write for someone who is in you and a part of your fabric?
Would not that be like writing about my own self?
For once I was just I,
When you were just you...
But now something else is true...
Now the boundaries have faded...
Our mingling has jaded,
Any sense of my existence without you!

Being with you, brings a losing of the sense of
Time, space, relativity and individuality!
It’s like a whole less ‘me’
And a whole more ‘we’!
With you around I feel snug and protected in an unnamed aura that would never leave my side...
With you all other voices become noises...
All other matters become immaterial...
All other dreams become an illusion...
The way you spin my reality in totality!

When you just smile and say ‘Good Morning’
It brings a blood pumping start to an otherwise mundane day!
Or when you stretch out and kiss my forehead
Or tuck me in the blanket before we go to bed!
Whether you are corny or horny, dumb or numb,
Reeling or revealing, wit personified or philosophical, sane or insane...
You are one of a kind! You truly are a find!

You are a mystery, a charm, an enticing and mad experience that I am so glad I have gone through...
Living with you each day...yet each day is like the start of a new phase...
You are tender and mild...and yet strong and wild!
You are like the gentle rain when I need to be soothed...
You are like the piercing rays when I need to be guided...
You are the unfolding tree when I need shelter...
You are the sturdy earth when my feet falter...
You are like the sweet song that I want always to be serenaded...
You are like the thirst quenching water that is deeply embedded!

Sometimes I wonder...
Is it actually possible for someone to love another so much...Is it really true that you are so blinded to my faults that you only see perfection?
Are you for real or a bad joke that fate is playing on me...comforting me with false sense of possession and self belief...of what you are and what I can’t be!
Is this for real or would I be pinched soon,
Facing broken hopes and loneliness, haunted by memories of our times so dear?
Love brings peace and love brings fear.

With you I comprehend the import of what were just words for me...
You are the first and you’d be the last...
You are the reason why I am here
And the deciding factor of how I may depart...!

With all that’s mine,
Yours only,
Me:)

All you ever wanted to know about farts and didn't know whom to ask!

P.S. (yup...Post Script in the beginning coz I am different and this is no ordinary post...It’s an attempt go where no man has gone before...although I am sure there’s no SUCH place where a man hasn’t pushed or shoved his way and gone!). My post “Who’s done it?” got me so tempted to also enumerate my insane and abundant experiences with the farting basics and traumas!
Yup and if you were duh enough to be left wondering in there...you can stop rubbing your eyes now, scratching your head and re-reading the passages to try to guess what the bloody f@#$ I was talking about in that post...it’s all about farting and no denying that it’s a fart prone world that we live in!

Considering this is the most widely prevalent, global phenomenon, more in our face literally than global warming or population...because everyone from the Blacks to the Whites, virgins to voyeurs, saints to sinners, kings to beggars do it...most regularly and usually similarly, we do need a guideline to be able to easily and non-messily trod this turf!

KNOW YOUR FARTS:
The Silent Ass...Assault:
(When you ‘feel’ and sense it, look around dubiously but don’t see or hear it and are left wondering about its point of origin! He goes about doing his job so with such subtlety that he's a genius in his own right)

The Thundering Applauder:
(When you hear it and it blocks your nose as well as ears almost forcing from you a standing ovation, bole to stand up and run, dude!)

The Machine-gun Firing:
(It’s like the Diwali Seiko bomb thread...guaranteed to go on and on, one after another...pat, pat, pat till all ammunition of the body changes state and pollutes the bloody environment)

The Clarion Announcement:
(It’s long and bhopu waala baaja types...very disharmonious...at least make it sound better if not smell...It goes like the out of tune shehnai....poooooooooooooooo)

The Been-there-done-that:
(This one provides a view along with sound effects...why should the eyes as senses be left behind? The brightness of yellow, gold, mustard and other bhai behens of this family’s hues, make their presence felt by sticking conspicuously to the clothes...ab bolke dikhao Ariel waalon ke... ‘Daag ache hain!’)

The Constipated Delivery:
(Comes like an explosive thud of a ‘climax’ after repeated pushes like the sounds from the delivery room of a pregnant woman...a hesitant delivery after balanced constraining of every muscle in the body, filled with nervous anxiety whether along with gaseous state of things...liquids and solids might not surface too)

The Tell-all of what you ate:
(Hmm...prepare to test the distinguishing abilities of your poor nose...for on the platter would be an amalgamation of multi-cuisines and you just have to close your eyes and whiff...Waise, the guess game helps in diverting the mind from the stench)


The Spluttering Release:
(This one is like an old scooter...you press the...aa...whatever and it sputters a sound...but then you have to apply force again and it goes vroom and breaks, vroom and breaks..you feel now it would kick start...but no, it goes through many whims and sounds before speeding out almost in a burst)


The Sigh! Sigh! Emission:
(This one’s not for the world for only the suffering heart knows the pain it bears...it’s the situation when you’ve been released and you are unaware...or the predicament when you sigh and wish it was you who caused the emission but fate would have it otherwise and make you grin and bear/bare.)


The Oh-what-a-relief Liberation:
(This is like the virtual life...when you go in a make belief world that you have been liberated...and the relief glows from trouser to trouser...oops ear to ear...and you say “Dear lord..thank god I’ve come” I hope no puns have been taken!)


HOW TO TRACE THE SYMPTOMS BEFORE DISASTER STRIKES?
When the thundering explosion announces its arrival...I am afraid my friend...there’s just no hope or scope!
But when there’s no sound but loads of scattering action, there are early indications of the calamity so you can run for shelter:
Like when you see someone lift one circle of their butt just a wee bit to make space between their lower ‘partition’ and the seat that holds them...A keen observer would easily notice the facial expressions getting taut and soon released and the ‘someone’ looking here and there sheepishly...Be ready, then my friend, to get your nose assaulted...so learn to pick the culprit instead of clipping the nose later. If at first go you can’t crack the mystery, don’t fret...practice makes perfect...life gives plenty of opportunities for this one!


THE BLAME GAME:
More people are guilty of this kind of explosive and then the blaming assault on innocent specimens of their species than all the homicide action combined. They may not have gone on any stage but their performance of innocence and ignorance after their emission is Oscar worthy.

Some choose to rest the blame on the fellows around being the first to ask...who’s done it? Still others would shoot out their own discomfort and in a hurry leave the crime scene before its fragrance scatters...much common spot hopping behaviour in parties can be attributed to this urgency. Some like my beloved while driving back home after a sumptuous dinner, would suddenly open the window of the car...although I tell him “Honey, my nostrils are used to of this fragrance...just pull up the window before I catch the cold”. Talking about shit and shitty stuff is his favourite preoccupation, though he prefers to call it ‘pokis’ and now half the mankind on my side of the planet terms it so!

Also worthy of a mention here is a sweet old lady of my acquaintance, may god rest her soul...who had this beautiful little habit of calling over guests at home...and just as they’d sit around the dining table to gorge...she would start of her loud explosions, stopping those spoons at the edge of our lips and forbidding them from going in till the dust kinda settled!

I want to say more, you know my habit...I can go on and on n on...A dear friend describes me as the gal who can write ten pages of how she spent the last five minutes on earth...I can offer homeopathic, spiritual, yogic, psychological, mental but not so detrimental solutions and more...but I would spare you guys and allow you to rest those facial muscles that have been scrunching the nose as well as giving a broad grin as they are reading this...Plus it’s been a long post and long time since you raised that cute butt for nature’s call...
Before you victimize those around you with crimes mentioned above...rush my friend rush...I’d be around when your return!
Happy shitting guys-and "spread" the message;)!

What Women say and what they really mean!

Just as there is a universal cry of women of all shapes and sizes, saying they do not understand their men; similar is the plight of the so-called superior sex...They’d have complete comprehension of rocket science, they’d applaud the matrix like nobody’s business, they’ll solve the worst of Sudoku in the newspaper or spot a calculation mistake in her metre long grocery bill. But ask them if they’ve unravelled the mystery of knowing a woman and they’d look at you as though you are babbling in an alien language and even after translation it would remain the most bloody absurd query they ever came across. They’d reason...I mean who in his bloody senses could ever understand a bloody woman?

You are bloody right and that’s where I come in...Your bloody saviour...guided by my little knowledge (before u doubt it...it’s enough to get you by), some teeny weenie bit of experiences (yup, those that ended in the right direction) and loads of imagination (Don’t worry, I am not assuming a strip tease of you right now...or am I...or whatever!)

There’s a huge difference (like say the difference between Amsterdam and Delhi ka Lal Quilla section...you know what I mean) between the actual spoken words and the import of what women say...so in all my magnanimity and by hearsay, I try here to do you an almost unconditional favour be decoding these verbal utterances...The only condition being...kindly reciprocate effectively, appropriately, sufficiently and accordingly whenever I demand it;)

So when your gal, woman, and dame or pain-in-the-a@@ says:
"We’ve talked a long while on phone today, I think you better go and get some work done"
The biggest dumbf@#$ing lie this is...
Never my dear man friend, fall for it....
She’s secretly hoping within you would say “Arrey no work is more important than you...everything else comes later...”
Say it and score big time!


"Do you think I look fat in this?"
This one’s eternal...and I guess even the biggest of jerks, geeks and dumb heads are by now well versed in handling it....
Don’t try: Ya honey...I think the curves on the sides are appearing a bit too bulgy as the clinging dress brings them out more horrendously (WHACK, WHACK...that’s the sound you would hear with your ears or feel on your cheeks...paid either in literal terms or in kind)
Do try: Not at all darling...u look like my princess...take a circle before the mirror and check out yourself...(Well, I would have come up with something wittier guys...but sorry, there’s no way you can tell your woman she’s not looking hot and get away with it!)

"I’m really not bothered if you talk to other women?"
Whattttttttttt? What a nerve? (This is us thinking in our over reacting minds with one eyebrow up vamp-ishly)...Bothered??? I am bloody hell blasting just now. By my own experience I know a man and a woman can never be friends! I better keep a double check on his whereabouts and action sequences henceforth! I need to accompany him everywhere now. What’s she got which I ain’t got!

"I am completely over my ex-flame...in fact take me before him now and I won’t so much as flutter my lids"
Big fat lie of the highest order guys...beware...don’t fall for it and actually take her there...For then would start the rounds of gregariousness and a lively display of affection towards you only to make the ‘past tense guy’ inflamed and go green...just accept it and make peace...or look for an emotional virgin!

"Oh if you are not well, we’d cancel the dinner date/plans honey...some other time...your health is more important"
Dumb schmuk...you should have listened to me when I was telling you to wear that jacket when you went strolling in the fog...or when I told you to remove those ice balls mounting in your drink last night...or to have taken the darn medicine when I suggested it this morning! Well, at least have a good memory now and remember now for Christ’s sake that I AM DOING THIS SACRIFICE FOR YOU!

"I so understand the need for your boy’s night out...I don’t mind at all. Have fun baby!"
Hmm...so you think you can have fun without me? God ji, please let him get bored to death and realize my value so he swears never to step out of home without me flaunted in his arm. And those friends of yours...I wish God gives you more common sense to let go of these bunch of losers! Let me assent this once to be able to dissent on the next four occasions!


"I am fine really...I don’t need a doctor...I’ll manage on my own!"
Hey bhagwaan...is bande ke aankhen hain ya button? Can’t he see I need pampering now ASAP and someone to hold that handkerchief when I blow into it and someone to hold my hand when I moan in pain, so what if the fever is just 99 degree C? Someone to take me to the doctor and tell me he’d do my homework/order food from outside so I don’t have to cook....Sigh! Sigh!


"It’s alright if you forgot my birthday...hota hain kabhi kabhi!"
OH MY GOD....this is what I get after months of my dedicated service...you my dear are right on top of my hit list...We’re so over and you won’t know what hit you...As if you sauntering in without a gift was not enough, you committed the cardinal sin of forgetting the whole event altogether and thereby the celebration of my birthday week!


"It’s not the material worth of a gift that matters...it is the feeling behind it"
Hmm...What possibly dumb logic of a feeling is involved in giving me a clinical thermometer show piece on our first anniversary! And when you said for you size does matter...why didn’t you bloody tell me you were not talking of diamonds?


"Don’t be silly...you won’t say anything to that sweet boy...he wasn’t oogling, he seems from a good family"
Blah, blah, blah, blah...we will go on and on to convince you that the dangerously attractive and tempting stranger is harmless...Secret admirers should be allowed to protectively blossom not crushed in the bud..


"Don’t you think we should take a break for a while in our relation?"
I am sick and tired of you...it was a bloody mistake to say the three letter words in the first place and now I just can’t stand you...Either flatter me more or get flat off my orbit!


"Oh! I am so overwhelmed at your proposal...I don’t know what to say!"
Whatttttttttt? Why do all the weirdoes end up finding me? How do I tell him that he needs to look at his face in the mirror again? I don’t know how to turn him down without being branded a bitch?

And now brace yourselves for the mother of it all:
"Tumhaara aur mera to saat janmon ka saath hain"
Ya right...and let’s hope this is the seventh one!


P.S. This was just in good humour my friends...the author takes no claims to authenticity or efficacy of the suggestions made. Kindly follow them under the professional guidance and any resemblance to me or any other woman you know of is purely coincidental...hehe;)

Men n Libidos and Women n Head-aches!

The eternal combo of wrangle off the shelf...Men have been inseparable from the carnal sin and women have been too attached to their head ache woes or so they project! Just as men would continue to feel horny, women would continue to find that corny!
And so they live spitefully ever after!

It’s amazing how differently as species or kinds, we are programmed. Take a man anywhere and he’d turn and return to sex. You tell him the weather is awesome and he’d snap back with...ya, the perfect setting for mad, wild sex! Tell him you feel hot and pat would come the reply...you need to shed off your clothes darling and release that heat in the sack. Tell him that you feel dull today and the solution would be exciting in-the-sheet activities to get the adrenalin pumping and pepping you up. A woman needs to just get close...a simple embrace is not so simple and a touch of a woman is not just that- a touch...it has “far reaching” consequences. For men the world begins and ends at sex. Yes, it does...no point in denying that wise guy and no point in defending him about it dear lady!

A wise dear friend of mine says...sex for an average Indian guy takes about 7 minutes, including the car park time and that of shedding the garbs! Hmm...Very profound must say! So just for this seven minute sprint and maybe a minute of orgasmic pleasure...they spend their lives fantasising and conspiring to get laid and keep getting there. Women, it’s no rocket science, are constituted a bit differently. While a miniscule section may differ, the majority cannot have it every day or at the drop of a hat, they can’t drop it all...unless they feel a kinda connection and arousing yearning.

So since the other general excuses are not perennial...like it’s the those-four-days time, I had a long day at office and I am tired, you’ve eaten too much and hence too heavy to come on top...I’ve eaten too much and hence spare me the drill...I was busy doing your mother’s errands all day, etc, etc...The best option left ultimately is of headache, for it can come out anytime and anywhere, to timely rescue...But just check dear ladies that he may be toying with the idea of taking you for shopping after the hot session...So this path should be carefully trodden!

The head aches vs. sex stories have been infamous through history....here are some such topical jokes that commit to my memory, despite me being pathetic at conniving them on short notice...

(1) A husband one night, just before they were going to sleep, brought a glass of water and a tablet of Aspirin to his wife and told her to have it...She was utterly puzzled and said, “But why? I don’t have a head-ache!” With a wicked smile on his face he retorted, “Ok then, since it’s confirmed, take off your clothes and let’s have hot wild sex”.

(2) Man to friend: After years of marriage finally my wife and I have become sexually compatible. Now we both get head-aches at the same time!

(3) Santa was sucking his fingers and kissing his palms...when asked why, he said, “My wife has a head ache, so this is foreplay before self-help”.

And many more that I’ve heard down the ages, read in messages on mobile and mails... and thus the infamous tangle continues! Men would continue to be fixated and women continue to be frustrated about running out of excuses to dodge. We continue to wonder why men are so imaginative and skilled before and during the act...not realizing that they are plugged into a genius- that’s we the women kind! If only we women learn to crib less and be just as creative! If only the men also realize to be just as inspired in related areas and give romance a thumbs-up over lust!

Just as the fairer sex releases her latent tangles by talking, the superior sex gets de-stressed by taking out “things” to their beloved. So instead of the bicker and battle...let’s understand and rattle the bed...to bring a rocking calm and climax to both ends....of the mind I mean and the body would comply too. For most normal men, sex at most normal times, is a necessity and not just need. For most normal women at most normal times, sex is a desire and not just a drive. We don’t need to compromise...we need to adapt and empathise...so that we don’t live spitefully ever after...but happily ever after! Amen!

My Weekend Get-away to Orchha!

About 20 kms from Jhansi, amidst rolling hills and scrubby dhak forests, lies the riverside township of Orchha. Located at the banks of Betwa river, Orchha was once the capital of Bundela kings and hence a major tourist destination of Madhya Pradhesh, lined with architecturally beautiful temples and monuments and a handful of super comfy resorts. Our destination for the two days get-away was Hotel Amar Mahal, just a stone’s throw away from the impressive cenotaphs on the Betwa River and providing panoramic views of the breath taking scenes around. The hotel is built and decorated in the traditional Bundelkhand architectural style and hence offers you a luxurious stay in almost the laps of royalty.

It’s been ages since I have been aching for a holiday and grilling my beloved with slow persistent torture, almost bordering to being a nag for it, till the poor victim finally gave in. We bargained to come to reasonable terms- I demanded a full-fledged, long holiday to somewhere far off where I could satisfy the exploration germs wriggling in every pore of my body; he offered a weekend break to some place near, where we just go, dump in ourselves and relax for a couple of days. Phew! Beggars can’t be choosers and with a deep sigh, this time I gave in. Another couple friends were roped in and since I thoroughly enjoy their company, my peppy genes finally began to bounce. Though just a couple of days before on my birthday, they came over to our house with their two little kids to give us a taste of how the holiday would be with those pair of mini terrorists around. Within a matter of a few minutes they ransacked my room and the little one (who was turning two just the next day) managed to scream his guts and our ears out...sigh! Sigh! Never mind I said summoning all my bravery at my urgent service...wahan ja kar he samjhenge ab!

So I cancelled my tuitions on Gandhi Jayanti and the day after. My kiddos asked me “Ma’m Friday is 2nd October so no classes, but why a holiday on 3rd October too?” A wise guy among them replied, “Ma’m is celebrating Gandhi Jayanti for two days...” I burst out laughing, unable to control the chirpy tickle that had set within! I also called on duty my culinary skills and managed to contrive some mayonnaise sandwiches and as for the rest of the knick knacks...why in god’s name have they opened bakeries and general stores? For a two days trip, we were carrying ammunition of snacks to feed us all for a week...this despite the fact that we had an all meals inclusive package.

Though scheduled to start at 7 a.m., we managed to leave Kanpur at around 8. 45 a.m. Slow start...but a start nevertheless! Watching Ganga maiyya being left behind, brought in the feeling of wow, I am finally out of town for a holi-holiday...hurray, hurray! After a literally rocking ride of not such smooth streets with strategically placed rocks and ditches all over, the five and a half hours somehow passed amidst laughters and jokes and also chips and namkeen bits sticking out of our hair and surfacing suddenly from some part of our body...we managed to enter the throes of Hotel Amar Mahal at around 2. 30p.m.

While the sight of the almost dead city had dulled our spirits, for it is barely extended to a radius of 10 kms and so less populated that you begin to wonder if the national population control drive was followed painstakingly only in Orchha...but the sight of a fort cum castle like resort managed to uplift things appropriately. Our bookings were confirmed and soon we were escorted to our rooms, passing a few expiry date firangs on the way. Expiry date bole to...those 50 plus generation, with one feet in the grave, who decide to travel the world before they eventually journey down to their sepulchres and some managing to do so even on their way! So there went the hopes and expectations of my dear beloved to come across some hot goore maim tanning herself on the pool side and just might in a moment of insanity ask him to rub the sun tan lotion on her back. His bubble burst, I was the only consolation at hand, and so we were decidedly in the room for the next couple of hours, discovering passionately what we’ve been digging since nine years of our matrimony! Umeed pe duniya kaayam hain...maybe we just might stumble upon a new ‘eureka’ moment! Since it’s the city of excavations, we must put in our suitable contribution.

The pool side view was awesome and all through the way I had been luring and beckoning the rain gods to join us and I had promised to give in and get drenched in his arms if he chose to wet me! And even the rain gods obliged...males just can’t resist the sight if women bathing in the tumbling waters with clothes sticking to their skins...and the rain god proved his masculinity.

The weather became awesome, with cool breeze blowing and the floor of heaven being captivatingly wrapped in dark fluffy clouds, as we got dressed to click pictures (face book uploads are always in the back of my mind...at least those who couldn’t accompany us might as well get a burning, jealousy-wrapped taste of how we had a blast...next time ke victims to join me for a holiday get confirmed in this way!) All the rooms face a spacious chowk having a Mughal garden laid out in it...the place was lush green, intricate carving and paint sculpting and nakashhi adorning the walls. It was time to eat, drink and be merry because it had begun to drizzle and we just gazed at the beauty and peace that enveloped us from all sides.

The next morning...I could barely restrain my excitement and after much patience that I extended till 9 am and couldn’t contain any more of it in my little body, I woke up everyone else. We had planned to go for a swim! Now, I can’t swim even if you put me on gun point or tell me that mother earth was put on stake...I would rather hit the trigger of the gun myself or apologize to mother earth for not being Dharm paaji and save her from kutte kamineys. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wade my way in the soft flowing water...which comes up only till the neck. Now, I also can’t dare to ever get into a swim suit...which is actually a favour for you lesser mortals for I don’t wish to bring about a mass slaughter caused by shock and heart attacks...not because I am drop dead gorgeous in a teeny weenie bit (oh...sigh! sigh!) but because there’s a limit to how much flesh even the male ogling eyes can take!

So all dressed as we were, the two of us heavy duty females along with the men in question, who stripped to their bare essentials...ahem, ahem...we jumped into the pool...Na, na...all the water didn’t come out thereafter...it just flirted around us gently touching the right curves and playfully wetting us to the core....PLEASE...no puns intended!
So after throwing my arms and legs around in mad abandon...in about an hour we decided to spare the firangs of watching the torture of bloody Indians dirtying the pool with our lack of swimsuit sense and our dirty minds...we got out! But what fun it had been!

We also visited the famous Betwa River that flowed past big boulder of rocks and some literally “shitty” stuff of human and animal discard. Not such a great way to spend time by distressing the nostrils and tormenting the eyes...we rushed back to the retreat soon enough. I also gifted my dear beloved a Kairali massage, hoping I’d be returned the favour...in any kind what so ever...but I got a peck on the cheek and an agonising recital of how good it was! Since it was a male masseur, I didn’t really insist on his allowing me to experience the performance first hand...unke khushi mein he mere khushi hain soch kar shaant ho gaye yeh Bharatiye naari!

So like this the two days whisked past. With about 70 photographs and a bundleful of happy memories and great one-liners through the journey...we finally returned to home sweet home. It was a balm that healed my wounds...but as I write this I feel my body twitch again...some muscles seem to be vibrating unceasingly and some nerves crumbling....OH MY GOD...the balm seems to have been evaporated...it’s that same ache...the ache to go on a holiday again!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Happy birthday to me...happy birthday to me...happy birthday dear Suruchi...haaaaaaaappy birthdaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Add a nice long pull on the last note of “meeeeeeeeee”:)
I may not be a great singer but singing the birthday ballad is my speciality...You could have spotted me in my toddler years as the girl sticking right next to the birthday baby, guarding the territory around the cake ferociously...yapping away the birthday song with all the excitement in her little body (ok, not so little then...alrite, not so little even now...ab khush...mil gaye shaanti?) and eyeing the sumptuous chocolate cake all the while...being cautious of the proximity to be able to be the first one to gulp down a humungous piece of cake, after it has been ceremoniously sliced with the knife...and hence the expertise! Birthdays have been BIG for me...whether my own or those of special people around me...days to celebrate who you are and what you have achieved in terms of relations in life!

Yup, yup, yup....
Yesterday on 28th of September 2009 people, I celebrated 32 years of my existence on mother earth...Wow...How lucky can dear earth get!
32 years old and still feeling 22 and so proud of it (I stopped growing mentally after the age of 22...I was hoping that the ‘physically’ bit would also follow suit...but never mind!)
It’s like heralding into a new era...
Good bye giggly n nervous teens...
Good bye the indecisive twenties...
And say hellooooooooo to the sexy, thundering, throbbing n thrilling thirties!
Time to put my best foot forward...even if I have just two mediocre ones...I would dare to find the best one soon...I promise!

This birthday was a landmark of sorts...I anyways love birthdays...wish I could be born n dead and be reborn every month to be able to celebrate this day...
On second thoughts...not such a great wish...because before I could get out of those diapers into a sexy new outfit or chuck away the nipples of milk bottles to sip on a tequila shot...I’d be dead again! Boo hoo...Ok Almighty ji, can I have a birthday just like that on a more regular basis, without having to go through the grind of worries about wrinkles, throwing lavish parties and other unearthly horrors that are still at bay?

Anyways...mein kahan the?
Haan yaar...birthday mera...kya aap log itne bakr, bakr karte ho ke mein ulajh kar bhool he jaate hoon ke mein kahan the!

So this birthday I have been flooded with wishes, hugs, chocolates, flowers, kisses....and please note that gifts and cash are conspicuously missing from the list....but never mind...there’s always next year and my favourite dictum in life... “To err is human, to make up for it-divine”
So next year people...get a little more divine-ish n less devilish!

The birthday began with a normal dinner the previous night turning into an eve of sorts! Aha...so there used to erstwhile be just Christmas eve, New year’s eve, Holi eve, Diwali eve...never mind the last two hypothetical ones...This one coming now is a far cry from any presumptious banter...The latest on the block is.... “Suruchi birthday eve” (they are planning to make it official from next year and madam Mayawati in apna Uttar Pradesh just might oblige after I agree to give her a makeover with all my magnanimity and tolerance prowess;) Move over Gandhi Jayanti...coz here’s Suruchi Jayanti...but dry day nahi rahega yaar...well, we’ll call it the wettest day of the year...
Come and get drenched in my praise...hehe...uff zyaada ho gaya...I better stop my imagination horse...durrap...durrap...halt!

But then I have proof yaar that I am actually lovable....
My face book wall page shall bear testament to my popularity meter...This year my wall has been adorned with 81 birthday wishes (ji haan, meine sahi mein count kiya sab ke sab...and still more in counting) and with 2/3rds of them being longer than mere sad looking “Happy Birthday’s”.
I hate the sookhe sookhe happy birthday thrown at people on their special days...if you can’t say anything long, flattering and nice...at least add a hug or a mwaah...lage to kuch mila hain...and zor se lage...not just bounced and lost.

Anyways and that’s not all...there were 16 ahem, ahem...private messages in the inbox...I got two guys to sing for me and another two to write poetry in my praise...I got some other ‘lost planet kinda souls’ extracted from their cocoons to pop out n wish me....I have 54 messages (ya, ya that’s on record too) on my mobile and I was non-stop on the phone since morning...getting together local, inter-state, national and international callers...some symbol of global unification this is!

Gawsh...Am I bloody popular or what?
Is there no other soul occupying the walks of life?
What a pressurizing existence this is...to be so loved by all!
Hehe...just kidding...but then I feel bloated today and I thought I must whoosh out some of it here...before I burst...

Big, big thank you to everyone who conspired to make me feel like god’s gift to birthdays...;)
And big, big reminders to those who forgot to add to this band wagon...Baby, there’s always a next time and pehle galti to bhagwan bhi maaf kar dete hain...mein to bas ek nacheez se insaan hoon!
Big, big hugs to all those who joined in my circle of life...coz that’s what the circle of friends means to me!
I had been smiling through the day yesterday and dismal today for another 364 days more to go before mere janam divas arrives again when I’d be the queen of the world...my world...yet again for just another day!

Hot Pants!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...another page from the escapades of my walk...or rather let’s just say something ‘Jo dimaag ke batti jala de’!

I was walking along the lonely and dreary road, chatting up a friend on the cell to make me oblivious of my moving lone footsteps, when something hot and happening passed me by, that made me say, “Boy oh boy!” Yup, a boy he was for sure, though not so blasphemously young...wearing a scarlet red and white jersey with really short sleeves and really, really hot and short and oh-so-red hot pants...I mean the ones that barely cover the bottom...rising enticingly high on the sexily tanned bare long legs and ending at just the lower round curve...there’s a bloody good reason why they call these things ‘hot’ pants!

And phew! Suddenly the heat became unbearably hot!
To top that I could conspicuously eye the trickling lines of sweat flowing through the bulging biceps and oh could the sight make you thirsty or what!
Lemme look for more adjectives....sultry, scorching, sizzling, searing, and sweltering hot was the rear view...
And if someone like me says it...because it takes a lot to get my eyebrows raised...you better take my word for it ladies...that the butt was quite a view! Like they say- but‘t’ naturally! ;)

Unfortunately or fortunately (for I somehow feel the book was only alluring by its back cover...despite the bulging pages of the rippling muscles-shuscles), the guy was on a jog...probably a hostel-r and moved past fleetingly and against my better instincts I decided not to gallop along to catch a glimpse of the face....The ogling for now had done enough for the adrenalin rush and I better not gaze any more, all moon eyed and so...before the hostel gentry turn into their holes and declare it unsafe for their modesties to trot on the streets!

The incident made me wonder how far we really judge a book by its cover. Well, whether we’d like to admit or not, we actually do! Though what makes a woman turn and return to give you more than just another look, has little to do with blazing curves and more so with the intense package deal. Your hot quotient may make our heads turn...but minus the cute or suave elements and the good moves suddenly become cheesy. You may sweep us off our feet but then you need balls again to make us rise up to you....no puns intended! We love to ogle and a bottom like that might get us tempted enough to give you a pinch or mischievous spank (only in our minds)! But then for ogle, don’t we have the Google...Give us something sharper and snappier, if you want to see us happier...and if you were born with a cute butt like that...you know, round and shapely and just about synchronised in the curves....aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...you were born to rule dude!

Let’s just dedicate this to those barely 3 inches long or should we say short/skimpy hot pants...hmm, makes me wonder of the blissful predicament if the rain gods would have sided with me this once and we’d have an encore of the flick ‘Ram Tere Ganga Maile’ with clothes sticking to make second skin....oooooooo...gimme a moment dear readers, coz the memory reminds me that I must take that cold shower and return “back” to give you more later!
Ciao!