Amazing people who make me go on n on n on:)

21 December, 2008

15 things I have learnt about men in the last 15 days...

1. You just can’t get them to read....period...they suck at reading anything beyond the bills, financial records or work bull-shit...n with their deflecting interest, I don’t know how they succeed even at that!!!!!!! Uff and for some of these obnoxious ones of our species, I had to literally beg them to read my blogs... ‘haan, ya sure, ji bilkul’ were the responses which still remain to be redeemed. Baki some of you who do read my blogs are the only worthy ones here of your kind....so clap, clap!

2. You can take the man out of his family but you can’t take the family out of him....most Indian guys at least, are momma’s boys whether they admit it or not, show it or not....they somehow are so damn deeply rooted that they’d put to shame that Peepal tree in your courtyard, that’s been there since the arrival of the British East India Company...yup that bloody deep.

3. Tell them to take you out two nights in a row and get that most helpless expression on their face... ‘oh the work pressures, my bulging tummy, the next day early time table’ and another dozen set of excuses fired with amazing rapidity and spontaneity...and just then tring-tring comes a call for a boys-only night out and.... ‘You do understand honey, don’t you? This could ease the work pressures, get me fresh for tomorrow, I need that breath of fresh outside air’.....@#$@#$@#$%^%#$^...ya sure we do!

4. Rs. 1500 is too bloody much for just a ‘womanly teeny weenie bit of a t-shirt’ but a booze bill of Rs. 1800 for one night is... ‘A little expensive ya, but look at this way I feel so wonderful from within...you want that, don’t you....?’
Ya...LITTLE expensive for sure...! N you are the only mortal on the planet who wants to feel wonderful!

5. Men would look at anything in skirts...in jeans, in suits, in sarees, n most preferably in nothing at all...she’s got to be a woman alright with the right assets at the right places and she becomes watchable just by the merit of it.

6. Men just can’t help gloat and bloat...yup, the infamous male ego working overtime and big time....they get this most inane of pleasures in proving their might over the weaker sex...not physically....as if we’d give them a chance for that....mentally....it’s always a game of scores and 1/2/3/4...-love is how they’d like to see it...and once they do get us to put our foot in our mouth...oho...then the gloating...the intolerable devilish smile at its wackiest best unleashes more merciless missiles of offences...

7. Men watch the television with a complete ‘switch off’ of all their brain and auditory circuits...you can scream yourself hoarse before him while that dumb match is on and he’d not even bat an eyelid...in fact he doesn’t seem to bat an eyelid at all through the whole of it...the remote becomes a closely guarded treasure and anyone who speaks in between could well be thrown of the 7th storey building if he had his will...and for all he cares.

8. They just luuuuuuuuuuv to hear the voice....ya but only their own....women have for ages suffered attacks and defended ourselves for being gossip mongers but then these guys work so inconspicuously that you just have to be dumbstruck, literally ...they don’t give you any alternative at that....they can go on and on and on and on....bakar-bakar, chitter-chitter, blah-blah and all the rest of such addresses...and you can just forget about saying anything in between because it would not reach those ears....you are only allowed to blurt ‘huh? Oh! Really? Hmm! Ok!’ in the course of these sermons and that too with sufficient spaces in between. However, and there’s the catch...get then down to a ‘serious’ conversation of explanations of sorts and the monosyllables surface in the most nerve racking of ways.

9. They fall flat out at being polite where it is most required...your distant aunt from Palampur or the bizarre teacher from your college or the over friendly neighbour from the eighth house where you lived during your childhood....beg him to be polite and that’s exactly what he would not do! Tell him not to go over the top elsewhere and watch him go not just over it but even topple down from there. They have amazing selective memories too...they would remember that there was extra salt in that particular dish, last year too, but completely oblivious to the fact that they had forgotten to pay your pocket money last month.

10. Their over obsession with logic....hello!...there are certain things that you’ve got to accept at face value...but no, not in a man’s world...they have to dig and pierce and excavate and probe till they find a glimmer of logic in it...and that too...god bless our dear souls....is THEIR logic...you may completely disagree or point out how stupid it really is or argue your head off on it...but logic there is for them to feed on....you are wrong simply because he is right!

11. They are compulsive flirts....they love to reek of charm and yearn to be the sole hot objects of pursuit of women or at least the focus of their conversations, desires and fantasies and would perpetually make quantum and desperate efforts at it....With men they may be loud and vulgar...but with women around...you just have to see them metamorphose....complimenting, offending, jeering and throwing those prying eyes and mouthing the oddities to catch your attention....they just have to make you laugh, never mind if they have to perform their best friend’s character or appearance assassination in the process of it.


12. Sex is THE only thing on their mind....men love just two things in this world...sex and more sex...period... and stamped as the universal truth unaffected by any age or nationality bias. Porn is like god’s gift to ‘man’kind and kinky is the only way to be....

13. Men look at the mirror bloody more number of times than women could even think it were possible...they always have a pocket comb, need to use the men’s room more frequently (only they can tell for what) and for the longest of times.... and surprisingly many get those eyebrows plucked and chest waxed and regular manicures and pedicures....to look like the likable cake...that they sometimes succeed in pulling through...the six packs are no longer enough, with every tom, dick and harry entering that bandwagon. And my man takes longer to dress than I do, with half the effect as I do...ok...thoda zyaada ho gaya yahan!

14. Men are obsessed with BIG and in their own way interpret the epithet...size does matter....and before the dirty minds have a field trip here...let me clear the air....big mobiles, big cars, big bank balance and alright big boobs too...This, when they completely seem to overlook that for the female species the same epithet could hold just as good....but they are too busy flaunting their material goods to go to that material. And yes, small matters sometimes with equal urgency- small conversations, small market trips, small family dinners, and small size of the female brain with suspicion devices

15. And the weirdest of all is the slogan that they have so profoundly engraved on their faces ready to be thrown at you on all occasions.... ‘I am a man and I can do it...but not you’....hey, I can look around, I can gape with my tongue hanging so low that it cleans that spot on the floor, I can flirt, I can have an extra marital affair, I can be forgetful, I can have those days
When I want to tear apart anything coming before me....but you can’t do that, sweetie...’

Ya, man alright...do you mind acting like one now for a change...!
Men, men, men... can’t do with or without them now, can we?
Love them or hate them but we just can’t ignore them (as if we have a choice here!)

Imagine so much in just 15 days...another 15 years if God allows me on this planet, I think I could virtually create one....wishful thinking you may say and some of my dear dirty minds already have their mind spinning overtime on this one to have a field day....!

4 comments:

The Ripley Porch said...

Five-star blog effort. You should write a book! I'll even give you a title "The Secret Non-Secrets of Men".

unohu said...

agre with mr porch....if tht is a he....and going by the fun he had....yep.....
full hands for the no.12.....objections to the mum's boys......arre they got us into the world,fed us,took care of us....indebted.....may like to take up the writing of the book...maybe dame rowling in the making.....remember poor us.....for egging u on....

Ankur "AQIS" Narula said...

well....well....welll...remember the film "WHAT WOMEN WANT" here is your desi version of "WHAT MEN WANT" from Suruchi the philosopher....being a man..i woud like to comment pointwise:

1. Well, i read it and as for my efforts you can applaud cos i have written you the m ost most number of comments from our friends group.

2. well dont be harsh abt momma's boy....as unohu said they raised us and all...so there is a bit of momma's boy in every body....

3. well no problems in going out 7 nights a week....(wifey not supporting these days)...lol

4. This is still debatable....sometimes u win...sometimes us.....this is cos u gals get cheated easily....the T-Shirt might shrink (and many other reasons) and might not be worth Rs. 1500...but for us CHIVAS is CHIVAS the hangover never shrinks....;)

5. well......this is natural don't you think? ... we tend to get concerned rather than attracted (our concern is taken for attraction and lust et al) and it's allright to admire and praise god's creation.

6. EGO IS PRIDE....

7. We watch attentively to explain you gals later.....there is some kind of misconception.....i guess....but when the match or the program finishes...u r so furious u never tend to listen....

8. But i thot u love when i talk....all this while it was BAKAR-BAKAR.....omg...complete silence from now on......and u will realise what divine words u r missing.....which btw u cal BAKAR-BAKAR....

9. Politness can get ANYTHING done in the world....guess u gals shud take a cue out of our book.....

10. YA! WE ARE RIGHT.....the logic works for us EVERYTIME.....

11. No comments! i am blushing already....

12. same as point 11

13. inquire any time at the max 10 minutes.....to get ready.....and havent used a comb in years....since 1999 to be precise....its like gettin' ready and waitin' for youse in the car or rather in the lobby....

14. BIG means more space, visibility, noticeable from a distance, grand etc. and all these doesn't apply to BOOBS....ah F@#$ IT! yes the BIG BOOBS!!!!!;)

15. WELL just have to comment " i am a man" u can't pee in public....u cant take ur shirt off next to Cawnpore club's pool and dive straight into it without worrying abt your chunni...or some heavinly bodies hanging out....and yes een gorls tear apart a lot of things when they are angry and they see is us....HUSBANDS.....cheers;)

As ripley porch said FIVE STAR RATING.....i completely agree.....and as said earlier...u r a blog goddess

Vemuri said...

great analysis.. very very stark

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