The Tumbling Awards Gala-Part 2

Moving on to the next segments...
Ladies n gentleman,
The ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD

goes to:
Pavitra @DEAFENING SILENCE
Persis @Miles Of Style
Tamanna @Frenchleave
Cathy @Ramblings of an ever changing mind
Dusk @The Dusk Zone



Pavitra with her Deafening Silence, for her
super true takes on life n awesome poetry. You make me travel on the philosophical path and make the journey so not-boring!

Gorgeous Persis and luscious Tamanna...
I so would like to see “you” Persis...but till then your amazing sense of aesthetics, would keep me glued to you!
Tamanna, I still need to know you more...but whatever I see, I likey likey...Keep it stylish! :-)

The Wild Wicked Witch...My sweetest Cathy...you are the first foreigner friend that I made through this medium. You so naturally and quietly enter into hearts that before we know, you are already there for good! In so many of your posts, my heart went out to you and in so many others you brought in the sunshine! You are an inspiration of how a woman should be in a man’s world...and you shall continue to be!

The unbelievable show stopper Dusk
You are one fashion blogger, I can’t get enough of!
Your pictures are like a riot of colours, a festival of fashion and a masterpiece of style! You make the unthinkable, possible!
You web a world of great write ups interceded with pictures and it is difficult to gauge whether your words are more impressive or your impeccable beauty. You are the true diva and so very generous to always take out time to comment whole heartedly on my madness!
A treat to the eyes...you surely are!
Oooooooooooo...how I wish I was as stunning as you!


And now the I LOVE READING YOUR BLOG AWARD

recipients are:
Please welcome with open arms:
Cinderella @Intelligensia
Madhu @Careless Whispers.
Vagabond @in-between
Hopeless Romantic @Love Is Always New



Dear out-of-the-box n a true inspiration Cinderella...
Someone whom I looked at with awe when I started...like some super duper witty goddess...Today she’s a cute buddy but the awe continues in frequent outbursts. How can one girl look drop dead gorgeous, write mature poetry and yet share with equal humour my madness on boobs n butt n everything else! You are a learning experience just by being in the vicinity!

My Kumb mela sis, Mady, with all her honesty and integrity...
She thinks like a man*as I do too* and can make a whole lot of sense in few words*which would not suffice even for MY introductions*.
You and I are so strangely similar...that the connect would forever be! Your posts are always refreshing...never repetetive...and bring out you in them all! So what say sis...let’s rule the world!

Vagabond...for bringing the depth of simple lines that touch the heart...for truly creating an impact by the fact that one so young has a mind full of wisdom and sense...for all the magical music that she brings to her readers...for her Hindi poetry that strikes a chord with me despite growing up with no exposure to such wonderful kavitayein! I like you so much for your attitude... “This is how I am...take it or leave it!” I’d take you any day! :-)

Hopeless Romantic...for all the mush that you sprayed in the environment and also for mad, in-your-face takes that only you can make! It is difficult to say why I like you so much...maybe because you are brutally honest...what’s in your mind is in your writing. You aren’t wanting to please anyone...You are whacky yet humane...you are strong yet sensitive...you culminate the best of many worlds!

And now, please join your hands with an applause for
COOL BLOGGER AWARD

going to:
Amn @The Mush Room
Hary @cartoonists
Malpani @TONIGHT'S ENTERTAINMENT!
Smrithi @Vintage Obsession



The whacky yet grounded Mushroom that has Amn, who is a face to reckon in any crowd...simple in his writings, sometimes wanting to change the world when frustrated with confusions of life...
So human...so adorable! Thank you for being around!

Hary, for all his super Southern touch of humour...for being great with one liners and definitions...for his detailed take and analysis of people around him...I so enjoy reading you for your simple and sometimes laugh out loud kinda humour!

The thorough gentleman at Tonight’s Entertainment,
Malpani is one of the nicest boys on the block.
His blogs are vocal n yet restrained! I somehow feel you are too nice to ever hurt anyone. I so look forward to your reviews for generally our choices match!
And when you go down the philosophical lines, you leave little choice for me but to applaud and agree with you!

The very Vintage Obsession of sultry siren Smrithi
Smrithi makes fashion seem easy...her do-it-yourselves are to die for! She makes you believe that style can be cultivated and can come as easy as ABC. You seem so natural and with true poise in your pictures that one can’t help but admire your confidence and panache!
Way to go girl!

I know it is difficult to wait for more...
But there’s still one more part to go!
Some more bloggers I adore...
Some more appreciation from my heart’s core!

(To be continued...)

Awards, Opinions, Humour, Drama-All in The Tumbling Awards Gala!-Part 1

Statutory warning: Due to the sinful length of my blabbering here, I am forced to divide the post into three parts.
So kindly bear...and if you want to bare instead...send your entries to the email address posted above...

Prelude:
Friend 1 in gym: So Suruchi, what’s new in the blog? Haven’t seen any updates?
Me in the gym*of course*: Ah...but I did put up a new post on boobs last week...you must have skipped it...ask your husband, he possibly could not have missed THAT one!
Random person in gym*all doey-eyed with fascination and a sudden respectful awe*: Oh, you write?
Me*trying very hard to wipe the smug glee off my face and sound nonchalant...do so with a shrug*: Well, ya...nothing significant really...just a blog!*bursting inside with elation at the thought, like this soon the whole wide world would know...yes, someday!*

It’s been a year n a half in blogosphere and the journey has been like a huge mug of Long Island Iced Tea!
A mixture of myriad emotions, a concoction of highs and lows...
Some very great blogger buddies made on the way n plenty of free*that reminds me I must get the unlimited BSNL internet pack* good stuff to read on a lazy day!

I’ve made you witnesses of my falls*yes the falling flat on the road fall n also the falling for things out of my reach fall*
You were there when I was being stalked and also when I took a lift from a complete stranger!
You’ve been enlightened on issues others don’t talk about*where else could you have known about types of kisses, farts, libidos, men’s loo fixation, boobs n butts, what women want and sexual intimacy?*

You’ve shared my disdain for the ultimate bitch in my gym who was the temptress for all n sundry...you ogled with me at the guy in hot pants and shared my wonder when I turned into a red head for three months! How could you forget my posture by position account of the kinky temple architecture at Khajuraho?

I also tried finding answers to many mind boggling, earth shattering queries like why men are afraid to be called cute? Can you be in love with more than one person at a time? Is it okay to deviate on love path? How safe are net friendships? Are we programmed for life? Is divorce the end of the road?

*Ya ya...I am making you realize how blessed you are to be on this page...you can take a minute to go down on your knees and thank the Almighty for bringing you here*

Anyyyways...
When I began, I used to think I was the next Shobha De cum Arundhati Rao cum Chetan Bhagat*kindly ignore the gender change* all rolled into one*I still think so by the way!*
My blog was my personal diary but out in public!

It gradually developed into an inseparable bond and lives we began to share as blog buddies! I have hogged loads of love showered at me and so many awards like a greedy pig, it is time I delivered my very own gratitude speech*please don’t expect anything short...like a wise man once said...Size does matter! And when I tell you I owe BIG time to you guys, I prove it in the length of my posts!*

Expressing my thoughts for all you wonderful people in no order of preference or affection what so ever, for I love you all*yes I have a big heart and no, you would not see it by staring at my shirt*
Please find yourselves here but also spend a while in knowing all the others who rock my world!


So without further ado:
The first category tonight...
THE MIND-BLOWING BLOG AWARD

goes to:
Rishi @A Crooked Smile
The Bald Guy @Desi Ghee and Coffee!
Saket @Shady thoughts of a Shady man
Buckingfastard @Tears n' Rain
Writer’s Rehab @Writers Rehab



My friend, philosopher n guide and also a genius in every right, Rishi from The Crooked Smile...though there is nothing even remotely crooked about him*except for the fact that he completely flushed down my genuine compliments as advances with a statement, “Azaadi is my dulhan”-my loss completely :-)
I love him for his 'Talkies'...something I always wanted to do...but he does it so much better...
So I leave it to u...and your bekaar gyan makes me smile...never bekaar mein!

The Bald Guy...for if I were a man...I’d be writing like him! He’s like my mirror image...super witty...humorous...infectious energy!
I am in love with his skill of repartee...
I marvel at his versatility to make the readers laugh one minute and in the next shake them up with sad truths and struggles of life!
It’s always completely my pleasure to be reading you Tbg!

Shady Guy: He’s just started*and also stopped:(* on Blogspot but before this he wrote on India Times and wrote like no one I have ever read before! I mean to have a 1000 comments*yes you read right, there are 3 zeroes* on so many of his posts...got me floored at first sight and all his musing penned there justified the adulation!
He’s such a commendable writer, if only he’d write again*begging on my knees...not as a proposal dodo...with a pen in my hand...okay a mouse and a keyboard*

My Dearest Bucking,
You have me swept clean bowled with your talent! I have yet to see a greater story teller and especially one who’s as young as you are! You are the master...I have read your last few pieces so many times and each time they create a mind picture of all that you say happening before my eyes. Your analogies are outstanding!
And my posts seem incomplete till you drop in royally, pull my leg and leave your words that make my day:-)
I wish, I wish you’d write more...and also do phrandsheep with me...phuleeeeeeeeez...aapko Hyderabad ke kasam:-)
You are the best!

The Writer’s Rehab: My very first follower and in a way my motivation for my initiation into the blogging world! The tales he used to spin would catch you in an impregnable web!
I read you and realized how captivating authors can be!
Owe you in more ways than one!

Moving on to the next prestigious category:
YOU ARE A RAY OF SUNSHINE AWARD

And the award goes to:
Rahul @Kalakriti
Sulagna @pink n black™
Am in Trance @REVIVAL
Rainboy @smell of earth after rain



Kalakriti for Rahul’s brilliant perspective as an artist and even more brilliant virtues of being a noble person n a true friend!
You show how simplicity is still beautiful...
You make us believe that humility is as important as talent!
You’ve been a great find on the internet!

Pink n Black queen Sulagna....my dear dear Su...you motivated me big time into getting back to romantic writing...in fact I think I consciously or unconsciously write like you when I write mush...or maybe coz we both have the “G”-factor in our lives which makes us go through similar emotions! You know how to let your hair down n have fun as well as do things that make me go awwwww...
Life would be such a drab without you to read!

Am in Trance n Rainboy:
If there is a mush poetical experience that you are looking for...or the need to be drowned in expressive words to die for...these guys are the ones to bet your money on! Though I do wish they’d write more to satisfy our mush-starved pores!


And now, put your hands together for the next brilliant set of writers...
The recipients for I LOVE READING YOUR BLOG AWARD

are:
Ria @Bedazzled Ria
and @Femme Fatale

Warm Sunshine @the perfect line
Sakshi @Timeless Imagination



Ria and Warm Sunshine...for the feminity they bring on board...reading them is like a pleasant journey into a woman’s mind...her subtle dainty ways...a coy smile...a whim here and some tenderness there...always bringing smiles!

The Timeless Imagination of the sweetest girl, Sakshi, who is simplicity personified. Another flawless poetry writer...who brings to life- dreams n ethereal emotions through here words!

(Picture abhi baaki hain boss...
To be continued...see you on the other side of a break!)

Just Another side of a Happy Coin!

For a while now, I have been dabbling with a new vocation for myself!
I had suggested this to my dearly beloved too...
I should wrap up my teaching agendas and get into counselling!
Yup...a sort of shrink...a kind of sounding board, beyond your immediate circle of near n dear ones, someone whom one can relate to without the fear of being judged!
I almost take a sacred n secret*well, not anymore*pride in doing that!

Youngsters on the brink of an identity crisis or cocooned life, housewives persisting with the urge to break free, men caught up in the web of a lonely though settled life, women struggling in not so conducive environments...
I have seen n heard them all!

With many I have trudged the path of redemption or held their hands*symbolically* at the times of unbearable sufferance!
Tolerance almost became like my badge!
And Agony Aunt is how I moonlight and did so all my life!

Talking to people*those who interest me* has been a favourite pastime and lately this has consumed a lot of my time, online or otherwise.
Not just to friends who open and share their emotions with me, but uncannily I have noticed how I go around commenting on just about anyone’s heart-rending posts with a “Need help? Ask us!” kinda forum!
Are they screaming for attention or am I?
I have begun to wonder if it is really THEY who need help!

The frequency of this and a pattern thereby brings in a mixed sense of emotions in me...gratification n yet a restlessness of doubt!
And also a fear...Am I addicted to the elation of being a mess-solver?
Do I look forward to woes in people’s life so that it gives me a sense of belonging?
And if this is true even partly...ain’t I really sick?

I like to hear and not speak*my blog is the space for which I reserve that n this should explain the long posts*.
I like to question and not answer...unless these are answers to YOUR grievances! Absolutely NO ONE knows what’s going on inside my head and I choose to reveal only what I want to.
It is perhaps some weird mechanism at work to safeguard myself from vulnerability or an embedded fear of who’d be interested in my sob stories anyways*there are plenty of those, believe you me, who hasn’t?*

So, I don’t enjoy talking me...I would rather talk you!
I end up finding myself in situations where I am emitting my pearls of wisdom or just lending my ears for my ‘friends’ to vent out their confusions and frustrations of the world!
“Oh, thank you! Talking to you has been such a help!” are celebrated words responded to me, akin to “khul ja sim sim” that were divulged to Ali Baba in fables!

Initially this activity used to get me drained!
When I would hear of distressing stories called ‘life’ of people around me, it would end up making me feel weak in the knees and increase my own palpitations*not in ‘love’ kinda way-sigh!*
It would greatly disturb me as my body and mind would take time and efforts to come to terms with it and I would almost take it as badly as if it were happening with me.

But then, I guess, repeated exposure to these depressing woes provided a kind of immunity eventually and today, I can hear you out a BIT more dispassionately and in a self-wrecking way than before!
Though my mind’s involvement is still 100%!
I put all my faculties at work to come out with the wisest solution to your problem! And if I end up actually making you feel better...there is no greater contentment for me than that! Don’t get all repelled here with disdain...I am no Mother Teresa! Such acts are more theurapetic to me than they are for you!

And that’s what I do most of the times!
I am hearing stories of everyday grudge n whining of people and not getting tired of it! I am finding n offering solutions and expressing equal amounts of derision as the sufferer himself or herself!

It is a sense of pride somewhere within me or rather vanity that is being fulfilled by the idea that people can turn to me with utmost trust!
It perhaps provides me with a sense of achievement on being the first in the list of people, whom you’d call in case of a crisis!
But isn’t that super pathetic?
I am so wondering now!

One of my earliest dear friends on the internet had once commented,
“You are like the park bench. When someone is really tired of the humdrums of life, he turns to the park...spends time on that bench and feels the comfort it provided. Then when he feels better and sufficiently equipped to face the world...he moves on...and may or may not return to that park bench, or at least not till he needs to vent out his sobs again!”

I remember having taken to that very unkindly, for this is what had happened between us!
I was the confidante of all the miseries against the world, ranting against parents who did not do ‘enough’, of job that was suddenly gone, of security carpet swished off the feet n religion n politics n morality n what not!
But when things returned back on track to being hunky dory...I was not needed again for a long while till life decided to give another F@#$ to all plans!

I see an encore of the same in many friendships that I have forged!
Suddenly the idea that I am being turned to, is not so appealing one due to the fear that what-if tomorrow I am discarded again!
Purpose solved...no ears needed now!

I don’t want to be a park bench!
I don’t want to be a sponge...for I soak your troubles and make myself heavy with my own expectations!
Perhaps I don’t want to listen anymore!
I want to talk instead!
But that...I cannot!
No, not talk!
Perhaps now I want to scream!


P.S. It has been a weird post and I apologize for filling you with distaste when all you came here for was a good laugh!
Promise to bounce back with the madness soon!

Guys, we are up here...not hidden in our shirts!

I was watching this series on the television where this pretty but duh girl visits her college guy friend’s home and rants on n on about her BFF’s and their yawn-ful gossips.
After every five minutes he would excuse himself to go out*not to the wash room, you one track minded people*...out of the house and scream “OH MY GAAAAWD!” to vent out his frustration. Then he would return back, with a calm n smile pasted on his face and again lend his ears to go through the torture of hearing her continue the blabber.
I was wondering why he was going through the torment.

Cut to the scene after the commercial break and both are naked in bed with a huge blanket, revealing only their shoulders upwards anatomy!
And the man, as if having read my thoughts, thinks in his mind...
“Why do I allow this mind churn every day?”
He raises the edge of the blanket....takes a lusty peek at her boobs, gives a shameless grin and reminds himself, “Hmm...Yup, THAT’S why!”

This comes in line of a similar and interesting boys’ view asserted by a dear friend. He recently enlightened me on an important fact of his species’ psychology*of course exceptions exist like every where...WHERE exactly you ask...well, the explorers/scientists/philosophers are still trying to discover or invent that!*

Anyyywaays, he says:
“Boys look for females. When a boy sees one that he likes... and if his eye lids automatically go down*wtf...as in not ‘down to her assets’-does that even need to be specified, but more like sharam se jhuk jaana kinds*...Then consider it as a sure shot point as hell that he is mentally stripping her...
There are three main aims of young*what the heck...even old* boys or reasons for their existence, beyond their control:
Women, breast and sex!”
And to think I hitherto thought it was ‘roti, kapda n makaan’!

Wow! Interesting, you would agree, isn’t it?
What a path breaking analysis...it could help save the world...okay, the sex confused world!
So even if you have any one of the three, don’t lose hope young man...you’d manage to get the other two too!
A new angle to the theory of relativity!

And perhaps if you are that young girl in question and thinking of making him the happiest man on earth by saying “I Love you”, try flashing a boob instead!

I have spoken enough about boobs in many posts*thaaaaaaaaat does not mean I would now show pictures of those to you...so tell those sky rocketing heartbeats to take a halt*

But then is ever too much of boobs enough for the guys?
I mean “the more the merrier” is a proverb that must have been coined by some horny nerd, whose eyeballs would have got stuck at the sight of a bountiful woman and made him repeat the line like a sacred code for many hours afterwards, hoping it would unlock the forbidden mounds!

It’s as though a woman’s breast have secret little inbuilt magnets and at-the-threshold-of-youth/full-bloodied/one-foot-in-the-grave men, all have the counterpart, hyper-active, magnetic implants in the rest of their body*mind you, the whole body is being talked about here, not even being organ specific*
So like that cute Hutch puppy in that ad...everywhere the boob goes, the network follows!

Just to reconfirm about the theory, I queried another dear friend
*what all I have to do to serve and edify my readers...oh god...someday my worth would be realized*
“No...not really! As long as the breasts are extraordinary...they don’t really make us turn”*ya, right...and ‘extraordinary’ would mean here, anything raised even slightly above the surface*
And whose asking about the turns anyways...weren’t we on straightening stuff, instead?
Err... never mind!

I asked my beloved...he is like a connoisseur on breasts!
One good look and he could tell about the history, geometry and geography of it all!
*not really, actually...but I like to use this accusation to emotionally blackmail him...sue me*. But being the extreme n unmentionable edge, his views do not count here*this is a serious n sanctified research for crying out loud and hence I must consider only unbiased resources who are not so much into breasts or at least so they’d want us to think!*

This also reminds me of another cute chick friend of mine, given in to wearing deep v-cut neck dresses...
Me: Well, isn’t that too much of those two peeking out?
She: Well as long as the main points are in control, as much is not too much!
Talk about my enlightment!

Now I am almost imagining what three of my dearest n wittiest readers would have here to say*actually also cringing in fear for my poor legs in anticipation already of them being pulled* by:
Buckingfastard
Blunt Edges
The Bald Guy
So then guys...please don’t leave this space without hearing them out also, even if the best of breasts await you! ;-)

And newer, better*even worse* or 50% more*or even less*...any kind of breast woes invited on this forum!

P.S. By now...men n breast...almost sounds synonymous...
And could be actually too!

Well, let’s see how:
1. Having One is better than not having any at all, and if you have two...well, life gets more wholesome!
2. If they are any good, they get you the maximum attention!
3. They work most efficiently when new and young and tend to get droopy with age and use!
4. Sometimes they can get kinda clingy!
5. They have a habit of ‘rising’ to the occasion!
6. Often they tend to throw their weight around!
7. Even the best of them, need supporters!
8. When they are too good...they could leave you speechless in more ways than one!
9. They may not be as err...good*for lack of a better word*from inside as they promise to be from the outside!
10. Okay now I shut up!

What a Steal!

What would we do without funny anecdotes happening in and around our otherwise mundane life?

I was recently a guest at a kitty party-sharty, with around 15-20 babbling and sighing women, some show-offing their latest sunshades*yes, within the interiors of a CLOSED restaurant...probably they should be called ‘bulb’shades instead*, glittering rock-y diamond rings on their stout or too thin fingers*there is no mid way balanced path...there’s always a size zero or a size with many zeroes* and the broadest of artificial smiles dabbed in plastic polite conversations.

Amidst the hullabaloo, or so probably as the hostess thought, often things go unnoticed. But since I was bored to the core and almost on the verge of a big fat yawn, my perception instincts were probably better aroused and I looked around to fish for some entertainment. It was then that I saw my gracious hostess was also looking around but her gaze aimed at making sure she was not being watched. And in the next instant, as quickly as a chameleon would be at work, she picked up the cute salt n pepper cellars off the table and slid them into her purse, kept by their side!

Holy f@#$ing shit!
My jaw dropped and needless to say, it was not because of the yawn!
What in God’s name did she think she was doing?
I looked around to ascertain if there was any as aghast a countenance as mine, but everyone else was too busy in themselves!

Kleptomania as a disease is a sorry state to be!
I mean even Wynona Ryder is guilty of the same!
But stealing like this is often a wretched excuse to perpetuate being stingy!

I related the same to my dear friend who took me there*just for gossip’s sake...like for every 10 pieces of scandals transmitted by her to me, I feel morally bound to at least return one and this was my only chance...so don’t judge me*
I was educated back on how her household has forks and napkins*used as dusters only I presume...otherwise it is too gross to let my imagination wonder at that* of that same restaurant where we were lunching in!

Okay...not that I am totally ‘doodh ka dhula’. The dumbest thing but that I do to ‘save’ money is, to refill the mineral water bottle to take it to the theatre when we go for movies. I tell my dear beloved quite proudly ‘if I can’t save your Rs. 40 at the parking...I can at least save the same amount on the elixir of life-water, which is a bountiful gift of nature and yet is being sold???????? How low can people get!’

Anyways...this one incident brought back many memories of perfect as well as pathetic pocketing encounters!
I remember a couple of years ago we had gone for a ‘teen patti’ cards session to one of our distant acquaintance’s house on Diwali. The furniture had been cleared out from the drawing room and clean white sheets had been sprawled upon the carpet for ‘players’ to sit, form a circle and impart with their hard earned cash, just for the love of three pieces of paper held covetously in their palms!

I too unloaded myself on one of the sheets!
Imagine again my horrified state when after a few minutes, I noticed at the edge of it, a printed symbol of ‘The Indian Railways’!
It was not just on one sheet but on two out of the five spread out!*yes, I went around the edges of every sheet after that as inconspicuously as James Bond at work and as curiously as a sly cat to confirm my suspicions...and the culprit was caught*
Oh my gaaaaaaaawd!



Again, during my brother’s wedding at a posh resort, where the guests were put up, after all the dust had settled in and we were packing up, the receptionist called us to the desk to inform that two paintings had vanished off the walls of one of the rooms occupied by our guests!

I couldn’t help saying “wow” to this artistry!
I mean I am guilty of taking back the shampoos, creams, etc from the bathrooms, much to the grimace of my dearly beloved*but then five stars charge us through our nose and this is the least that they can do without. Those little bottles make excellent travelling companions yaar*
But it never occurred to me*and thank god for it* that there was scope for expansion of my embezzlements!

Okay...before you guys close all your hospitable doors on my face, I DO NOT steal...never have and never would...except for this once and it was more like a dare! Like everything else, let me get here again in confessional mode,
“Father, I have sinned....”

This was when I was young...younger...and we would often visit this really popular book store. Once I had gone there with my father n uncle and I really wanted this great new book on the shelf! Pa had run short of cash for we had already purchased my year’s quota of school books!

So I asked my uncle to buy me one!
And then, for the mischievous genes that run in our blood...he challenged me to try somehow to get it myself to prove to him that I was actually resourceful and a true bloodied ‘Kapoor’! Now, I was too young then to know or use my art of seduction, but old enough to know that my aan-baan n shaan or the uprightness of my long nose depended on this.
So I pinched it!
Yup...just like that!
Kept it under my shirt and put my bag between my arms, in front to conceal it!
And I walked out of there with my head held high!

I was later blasted by both my uncle and father for doing something so foolish when the former only meant it as a joke!
Helloooooooo...you ought to be careful with an eleven year old about what you joke! She is too young then to articulate them*I mean as it is I used to have a tough time in trying to understand the pure non-veg jokes then...on top of that, I was expected to understand even the veg ones...unfair, I tell you*!

They gave me money to return back to the store....which of course I didn’t have the guts to do and I let it rest at that!
I still have the book as the first and last trophy of my actual mehnat-ki-kamai but gave up on my dream then to become the master of any fleecing game!



Now, where were we on this issue?
Never mind...
This post I hope has taught you important lessons!
To sum it up...let me tell you a short birdie parable:
Once, a little bird was flying back home in winter, but soon the bird froze and fell to the ground.
A cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
The bird began to realize how warm it was and soon began to sing with joy!
A passing cat heard the bird singing, dug the bird out, cleaned it and ate it!

Lessons to learn:
1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy!
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend!
3. When in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!!!!

My Outlandish Dream!

What is life without an outlandish dream!
Here’s the most materialistic and frenzied one of mine*yaaa...one of those days when I would wish this comes true apart from all the other days when I would shudder n pray that it would not*:

I am the Princess of a big palace of infinite wishes*I can’t do with one unit of anything in life. Yup...I am born this way...so sue me!*

Let me rise from my velvet based n laced, ancient Victorian bed to take you around:
My maid-in-waiting has kept a bowl full of milk soaked rose petals for my feet to dip in, as soon as I decide to get off my feather soft bed! I raise my arms in a sort of angdai like the Hindi film actresses, which exuberates more of nakhra of fragile bones than actual unknotting of the sleepy ones!
Passing the costing-a-bomb ottoman and custom made limited edition oriental upholstery, in an ambience straight out of a chic interior decoration magazine, I move towards my bathing arena that spreads over one floor of my huge house*huge as in I often need a car to be driven around on each floor*.



‘The Bathing Ghats’ is a big, round, colourful pebble-edged pool, dipped in milk again with flower extracts for the whole of me this time.
I throw off my robe and languish in the soft feel while five women watch me in waiting *Err...watching me is not such a good idea. I’ll tell them and you to wait outside and would clap for you when needed! So shoo!*
I then stand under the waterfall of sparkling clean water, created between mounds of man-made mountains and feel all my pores open to life! The other rituals of cleaning my teeth n emitting out last night’s edible treat off my entrails or rather the butt are equally grand, but I would spare you the gory details.

I then go through my walk-in-wardrobe on the next floor, where all the clothes on the line, from Gucci to Channel and DKNY to Burberry, move past me at the behest of a remote control...with accessories matched to precision. Did I tell you about the complete bags range that Louis Vitton made exclusively for me?
I press*the remote of course* to pick out what I like!
Adorned like a million bucks, I step out into the other chambers of my castle.



Okay, the first section*let’s get over with the scandalising bit first* is my very own cute harem. I know it sounds gross, but please, please let me have it...it is only in a dream anyways and it has been my dream like forever! I have here at the press of button...anyone and everyone who would appear before my eyes for my pleasure*visual and other senses inclusive*! There are Hugh Grant, Mathew Maccoughany*whatever is his spelling now*, Ashton Kutcher, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, young Robert Redford and also Ranbir Kapoor, John Abrahim, Abhishek Bachchan, Rahul Gandhi, Zaheer Khan, Roger Frederer, etc, etc...Just to add some variety and thereby spice to my life! Needless to say all of them love me as though their life depended on it!

There is of course another button whereby Enrique Iglesias, Justin Timberlake, Ronan Keating, George Michael, Mohit Chauhan, Atif Aslam and the likes rise and come out to perform*strictly musically...unless specified otherwise by me*!

After my physical pleasures are met...I move on to the physical healing!
I go into my rejuvenating spa cubical which has magical n mysterious connotations!
Here there is one room in which my wrinkles*which would come anyways only after about 15-20 years...or maybe 30-40...acha zyaada ho gaya...20-30 years* are ironed out with my blink...
Another in which I get a *more* sparkling and smooth skin...
A third which would burn all my fat*yes, ALL of it...yiyee yiyee yiyee...look what you make me do The Weirdo Guy* in seconds by merely lying down with eyes closed for five minutes and many more of the likes!



So I become 36-24-36 and emerge!
*Alright...if wishes are coming true then why not imagine 38-22-34 here!
Butt long, cascading soft hair, 5 feet 10 inches height with toned loooooooooooong legs...
Milk white n satin soft skin, almond shaped blue eyes...perfect Angelina Jolie pout...ass to die for n rack to kill for...okay, okay...even in a dream there is a control button...so I would stop at JUST these!*

I then move on to my food section. Here there are exotic delicacies from round the world*do chocolates n chowmein, McDonald’s burger n KFC, get added in the ‘exotic’ list? Don’t bother to answer...they now do!*
About a thousand options*yes, ones which don’t even look like food or could be pronounced by the tongue* can be gulped n savoured n ‘mmmmm-ed’ with zero calories added, no matter how much butter n ghee went in their making*that should make you happy The Bald Guy*



What’s next?
There are rooms where you enter and they serve as a direct link to the place you want to go to within again a blink of an eye*I love that expression...I blink my eyelids innocently and get away often with as wondrous of things*!
Okay, Europe mein backpacking...Thailand mein scuba diving...just a door away!
So if I enter the Switzerland room...no prizes for guessing, I am now in my pure fur*sorry PETA* outfit sliding down the Swiss Alps in my Cheopard sunshades!*living in a material world and I am a material girl...you know it baby*
And then I may have entered the Australian reef beaches...would you care to rub some sun tan lotion on my back?




Another room full of books...a separate room full of music...a floor each for all my relatives on the planet*of course only those whom I can bear*...a personal home-theatre*not a music system with big speakers, like my dad fooled me with, but a proper 70mm screen room*...a floor full of cars that cost a country each...my own helipad *with helicopters naturally...duh-huh?*
A floor for my own designer, chef, beautician, photographer*yup, I’d still be fixated on clicking pictures*
Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Now, now...the rest I would leave for your imagination!
After all you do have a fair idea by all that’s related so far!

I know this has been the most madcap, preposterous, barmy, ludicrous, bonkers, farcical*okay the thesaurus has run out of synonyms now* ride!
This is my very own wish-cube cum magic box cum timeless zone cum material bliss all rolled into one!
Too bad Mr. Mukesh Ambani stole my idea n luck to realize even a bit of it!
Phew!



Awwwww....time to get up...wash my not so perfect face...clean my not so luscious body...do up my not so lavish room...love my not so dishy*yet awesome*husband...spend my not so full purse...please my not so flattering little list of fans...

And live my almost perfect, no-complaints life!
After all dream a little dream away!

*Mush*Letter Writing!

Did you know Jawaharlal Nehru was having a torrid affair with Lady Mountbatten, the wife to the last Viceroy of British India...and Lord Mountbatten had full knowledge of it?

And also that over a period of many years, Nehru wrote a letter everyday to his lady...a suitcase filled with which was discovered eventually from her possessions!

A letter EVERY day!
My god, that is HUGE!

Imagine the sense of the feeling of holding a sheet of paper in the hand with scribbles of someone you love, the handwriting baring a familiarity and also perhaps a not-so-moist now imprint of lips that would have touched it before sealing it in the envelope...

Mails then don’t just remain sheets of papers and envelops!
Mails then contain a beating heart! The feelings and emotions of those sending it as well as those waiting with bated breath to receive it!

How I miss receiving letters delivered by the postman*other than receipts, e-notifications n reminders now*!
Thankfully, my generation still has an inkling of how it felt.

While I was growing up, I was extremely fond of purchasing cards and sending them to people, even those whom I only remotely knew, on their birthdays and anniversaries and even on New Year’s, etc.
I would write long mails to my cousins and friends who parted ways after leaving school and went to hostels.
*Sadly those tendencies still continue...I can’t write ANYTHING short!*
I still have a stack full of mails from those times, neatly and chronologically piled! When I read them...there’s a great sense of nostalgia!

I guess my writing skills were honed from the fact that I regularly would pour out all that was happening with me in these mails!
The anticipation of checking the mail box every day also reminds me of the foolish game of watching those little black birds, teeming in the surroundings and us chanting:
1 for sorrow
2 for joy
3 for letter
4 for toy/boy*depending upon the age I guess*
5 for silver
6 for gold
7 for a secret never to be told!
And you were supposed to give flying kisses to these birds while counting them to make the rule come true! Although all of us pined to spot the adventure-dipped 7...sighting any number except 1*which was mercilessly cursed*, was enough to satiate the simple hearts!

Needless to say, when I would espy 3 birds, my urge to reach home from school would become more intense, as I would be kissing weirdly through the bus window at them*thankfully the pouts were never misconstrued by those who watched this ritual being performed by every other girl moving past in school buses*

*Psst...Let me also share here how we screwed up this poor rhyme one notorious day:
1 for a hug
2 for a kiss
3 for a boyfriend, never to be missed!
4 for a love bite
5 for a sad fight
6 for flirting with few
7 for smooches just for you!
Oh yeah...we were a completely focussed bunch of teenagers!*

Coming back,
Yes, letter writing was an art...
The frustration when you would write one word wrong, spoiling the beautiful alignment of all the others...often motivated me to crumble the entire sheet into the bin and begin all over again!
The keenness of viewing your name on the envelope and following it with the guess game of who could it be from!
Writing neatly and painstakingly every word, for the reader to feel you, while he read what you wrote!
And if the envelope was scented or heavier than usual...the lub-dub of the heart beat reaching the levels of Mt. Everest!

Being impressed by the handwriting, the lucid flow, a cartoon here and there, a smiley face, the signature...it all bore immense significance, which perhaps the generations after us would not be able to experience!
You may have computer memory full of chats saved...but no paper that you just randomly pick up from the shelf and hold it close to feel how your beloved would have held that very sheet before sending it to you! And moving your fingers over the very words!
Yes, letter writing was a symbol of much romantic concoction!

I recently overheard of a letter written by the famous Romantic poet John Keats, in a movie called Bright Star! He had fallen head over heels in love with a lady called Fanny Brown, inspiring many of his immortal poetic creations! However their togetherness was short lived as Keats died an unfortunate death, succumbing to illness and in the belief that he was a failure.
The world now marvels, reads, quote his creations to soothe the burning hearts of lovers! I have jotted down here whatever I remembered of it with a few additions of my own...for love always gets me carried away!

Dear Love,
The day today is very fine...
I would have had the pleasure of enjoying it, if the remembrance of you had not weighed upon me...

Ask yourself my love,
Was it not so cruel of you to enchant me so?
To destroy my freedom?

I don’t know how to express my emotions to so fair a woman...
Find a brighter word than bright...
A fairer word than fair!

I almost wish we were butterflies...
To live but three days!
And three such wonderful days with you,
I could feel much delight than fifty common years could ever give me!

And as I write, I kiss the softest words that mark the paper here...
You kiss them too...
So I get the feeling that your lips have been where mine were...
John



Inspired by Keats...here’s a little attempt of my own*wish there was somebody to send this to also...sigh!*

Dear beloved,
It is a cruel conspiracy of eternal forces to have brought us together, made us realize how deep and fulfilling love can be and yet keep us apart!

To make us feel what true and doubt-free feelings are!
Emote the fierce emotions, we never thought existed!
Express the words, which erupt effortlessly from the unknown cores of our desires!

Had I not known you...I would have carried on in the hum drums of life believing love to be a fabrication of good writers and an outcome of pregnant imagination!
I would have continued to think of the heart as just an organ!
I would have enjoyed moments of solitude, riches of books, reaped the joys of friendships, and gloated in the pride of ornaments...all of which hold no significance or lustre now!
For now I have not a moment that is mine alone...without you!
Moments become experiences when they are marked by your presence in my thoughts and miracles when you are actually there!

It is ironic that I desire to merge into you to understand my true identity and purpose of coming into this world!
It is unfortunate that we can visualise each other all day, but the moment we reach out a hand to touch what seems so real...you are just not there!

I pine for you, but painful how so ever it is...it is also comforting!
I burn in desire and do so willingly, to re-emerge from the ashes!

I look forward to being alone not to think about you...for I do that all the while...but so that I can smile thinking about you!

Love you more than me and more than you,
Breathing till I see you again and thereafter start to live,
Yours only!

Looking for a Reason!

They say there is a reason behind everything...
Reason why India is hostile towards Pakistan and vice versa...
Reason why a baby is cranky in the middle of the night...
Reason why some marriages work and others don’t!

But then, is a reason really that important?
Must all our actions be reactions?
Must we always know the whys and hows and what fors?
Imagine a world, where we could just shut up our brains for a while, to enjoy what is coming our way?
Like they say... ‘Aam khao...gutliyan mat gino!’

How do I find a reason for these?
The feeling for wanting to be a child again!
The need to love someone 24*7 or expect to be loved back just the same!
The void I feel within just like that in the middle of a hectic day!
The urge to call up a friend, with a sinking feeling for his/her well being!
The mind being never at rest, even when the body is!
How there is an excited gut feeling for a first time meeting with one and none what so ever even after meeting many times over with another!
The tiredness that encompasses my body even before I have kept down my first step from the bed in the morning!

Even if I do find a reason, my next quest is how to explain it to my heart, get it around to accepting it with a complete consensus and get over it?
The mind nagging continues...with or without stumbling upon reasons!

How can one explain these?
Digging for logic in the smile that curls at the corners of our mouth when we see a loved one?
Why a mother is more biased towards one child than another born out of her own womb?
Why sometimes silence speaks greater volumes than words?

What can be said about the worry gripping our heart when we see someone we love in pain?
We reflect an equal amount of pain with no making even injury!
You may say, it is love....but then what is love?
That’s the biggest reason defying phenomenon of all!

Why does it take just a few seconds for it to develop and even fewer for it to be killed?
Why is it more with someone met so fleetingly and not there at all for another, even after burning the midnight oil, day in and day out with them?

What could possibly be the reason?
Why someone wants to hear someone else’s voice each day?
Why we feel a heart-ache beyond logic or convention?
What we hate in someone we hate becomes what we love in someone we love?
Then also why we get tired of the same things that we loved once?
Why we can’t believe someone can love us so much or why and how can we love someone to the point of self forgetfulness?
Why little gestures sometimes become big and huge considerations fail to impress?
Try as you may, there would be no plausible or pragmatic explanation!

Where do I find a reason for-
The act of a mother walking down a road holding the palm of her little child, shifting herself towards the road to avoid the zooming vehicles which are still a good ten steps away!
The rationale why a rich man pulls down his Mercedes car window to watch the street urchins play in the monsoon gifted street puddle!
Why we give up on time spent together to earn more money and when earned enough, we use it to buy time?

For some questions there are no answers...
It is like me asking you why the sun is so hot or the night so dark?
It is...for it is supposed to be like that!
Has been and will be!
Beyond logic or scientific analysis!
Even if we find reasons, we can’t find alterations...even if we alter everything around us to perfection...we still find something else irking the eye or boggling the senses! Then why resist? Why not succumb?

Sometimes accepting things as they are becomes the key to solving n resolving the most complicated issues!
Sometimes not taking a decision when in a dilemma is the best decision taken!
Saying I am not closing my mind’s door...if ‘this’ happens, I welcome it with open arms...if ‘that’ does, I’ll be equally convinced that something better is in store!
Sometimes reasons kill spontaneity!
Logic defies nature!
For nature tells you to just be!

It does not give logic to the little flower why it should bloom only when spring comes or reasons why mountains must remain strong even in the face of all disasters! They just do so like following a natural law!
It does not allow clouds to fret for being uprooted and carried away like the weeds and having no base to cling to!
Nature will not let snow argue with it to justify why it should lose its identity just to make someone else fuller!
It will not tell the harsh wind to blow in another direction to save its beloved!
It accepts things as it is!
It teaches us to just be as we are meant to be!
Not fight...not fret...not resist...not insist!
Go with the flow like the river...no matter how much the meandering...how many rocks to stumble on...how much slackness in its path...there is no other outcome, except to reach its destination if it just keeps moving on!



Stop asking ‘Why me?’
Start saying ‘What next?’
Stop looking for their motives...
Start searching for your motivations!

Don’t be scared of confusion...welcome it to lead to flow of thoughts...channelize it!
Don’t deny the presence of voids...attempt to fill them!

There are many things to do, to feel, to ask, to tell, to live, to show, to share, to build, to destroy, to care, to enjoy, to hold on, to give up, to celebrate, to own...
All this to be done...just for the mere “reason” that they must be!

And after my volley of questions, I am sure you have one to ask me too:
What is the sense of this post?
I don’t know!
I am still trying to find a reason!

My Childhood Goof-ups!

Okay this one goes in memory of how weird I was as a child...
That would kinda explain the way I am as an adult!
Thank you Mohit for the inspiration!

Picture this:
I am ten years old...sitting at a table in a restaurant having ordered my favourite chicken noodles soup...
I have besides me my parents, a handful of married couples and bunches of kids*yup family planning was not so much in action then or young couples my parents age were simply put-too horny*

Everyone was asked if they wanted soups and my dear papa had declined...
When my soup came...my eyes widened into little globes and mouth literally watered enough to create a farce that there can be no water scarcity till the world has me!
And my papa asked for tasting...
I scrunched my nose, took a long whiff of the aroma to make it stay with me while the bowl took a round and returned!

And I waited and waited...and waited...
Watching my father gulp down a spoonful and another and yet another...
*Just for the record, I was that kinda child, who would measure in a tray full of coke glasses which was closer to the brim or which plate looked more filled up with Maggie and then pick it up!*

So now my poor soup within the bowl was going deeper and deeper...when emptied by five spoonfuls, it was time to throw a fit!
Sitting hands folded on my chest and pouting like a kid*err...I was a kid then...anyways!*
I said firmly “Humph, I don’t want that soup...papa can have it all after saying he did not want soup!”
Everyone stopped dead at my comment n my father was red as a tomato!
Yup...I was born this dumb!

Now this is when I must be 5 years old and symptoms the symptoms were apparent till maybe 21*I know that does not categorise in “childhood” memories but my childhood got extended by a couple of decades*

This is about my mortal fear of lizards!
I just can’t stand *or even sit or lie* them!
No matter if it was my board paper the next day, I used to waste a complete hour in just looking by how many centimetres the wriggly character had budged! And if it won’t, I would scream at the top of my lungs for someone to enter the portals of my room and ‘shoo’ it out of the door! If I had to kiss a frog to turn him into Prince Charming, I could do so...but were it to be replaced by a lizzy, I’d rather never be kissed at all!



Again me in some blessed years when I was smaller*in age n width*. No matter where food was hidden I would find the way to reach it. I remember my grandma tugging the muffin box in between her clothes, in the ration shelf behind the pulses boxes, even in her undergarments drawers and I would find them, finish the contents and leave the empty box in exactly the same spot, to let her gloat for days in the belief that it is lying there untouched and safe! Till eventually we would hear a screech from her room one fine day and the theft was caught! I would have been a master at crime had those skills been aptly honed and encouraged in my tender years! Tch, what a waste!

How silly though I could get, does not really end here!
When my parents would go out for dinners n stuff, my sniffing would begin through in my mom’s cupboard too!
Now I was not a malicious or materialistic kid...just a perpetually hungry one, who seemed to think all the adults of the world have hoarded chocolates, dry fruits and the rest of the delicious sinful goodies in remote corners of their cupboards!

So I would get down to investigating, with my microscopic eyes and tong like fingers! And one day, just like that, my fingers groped upon a video cassette....

Now an ordinary kid would think that since it has been hidden in the piles of my mother’s suits, it is supposed to be untouched!

Naah! But not me!
Being all of fifteen and ALL of curious, I had to put it in the video player to realize that it was about what ‘adult’ people played when they applied the game of ‘hide and seek’ to the human body!



Ah! So this is what I am supposed to do when I grow up...I thought! Thankfully I soon got a bit scandalised and gave up on the idea of doing it all! Till of course better reasoning prevailed with maturity!

As a child I would get infatuated with every remotely interesting boy that came my way!
As a child, I would sing Michael Jackson songs holding the water pipe of our bath tub, blaring my lungs out and then suddenly switch to being a swimmer and make a dive full length in the poor 12 by 12 tub!
Needless to say, the poor tub suffered from having a big crack that never got repaired and it got transformed into a laundry basket thereafter!

As a child, I also wrote a little diary...but when it stopped being child like...I decided to stop at that too!

As children in our class rooms, we gang of girls would duck down while sitting on our school desks and take a peek n tease those behind us about the colour of undergarments they would be wearing or not be wearing at all! And then sit all glue-joined legs when we were at the receiving end!

As a child...okay a teenager, our gang would get together to make crank calls to hot looking dudes of the town! My friends were professionals at the task and would put any call centre bimbo to shame! The only time I tried it out, I was caught*I still don’t know how* and the boy ended up giving blank n crank calls to my house for months!

Again as a teenager, I was the gutsiest one in my gang and had gone to a video parlour alone to ask for a soft porn flick*this was prior to me discovering the one in my mom’s cupboard!*
That’s a different story that the parlour owner made me run for my dear life when he said, “Beta, pehle apne papa ka phone number dena...unse confirm kar loon!”

What else did I do as a kid?
Did I tell you I would pretend to be the latest n hottest actress of those times and stand before the mirror pretending to be talking to the hottest actor*yes, only talking...I was a kid then for Christ’s sake*?



Did I tell you I caught a friendly neighbour couple doing the act, one afternoon when we kids were supposed to be playing on their terrace?*I tell you some libidos*
Did I tell you I ran on the edge of a fountain pool in a public garden, thinking I was feather light and went thud into the algae infected water, much to the amusement of the throngs there?

Did I tell you I pricked a condom pack for my cousin brother’s wedding night, with a needle*although it left me miffed big time eventually as it didn’t materialize into a baby in exact nine months*?



Did I tell you...?

Oho...never mind if I did not!
These things aren’t worth telling either!
Some other time ;-)

The Sad Void of Youngsters!

Although every phase of life is beset with difficulties and its own set of issues...a sad trend is emerging in the young brigade-including teenagers to those till around 25-30 years of age and especially those who are single. One would think that getting a partner in today’s time is the simplest thing of all and just about everyone has a boyfriend/girlfriend!
Sadly it is not so!
There are too many frogs to be kissed before hitting upon the prince or princess!

The youngsters are most boggled by a sense of emptiness in their lives which they can’t put a finger on! Sometimes it is parental pressures, ambitious expectations and uncertainty of the future! Often it is lack of love or someone to share their thoughts with!
Of course it is not age binding, as the symptoms are being apparent in older generations also. However, the youngsters lacking the experience or appropriate support to handle it are getting sucked into a pathetic state of being in solitude even in a crowd!

The more I interact with those venturing into the threshold of youth, the more apparent it becomes how isolated is their existence. They have so much to say but refrain from the fear of not being understood or snubbed or laughed at! So on the surface they appear hale n hearty...but a little bit of scratching shows within a vulnerable grown-up child!

They may have friends, flashy lifestyles or good family back ups and yet somewhere down the line they are also harrowed by a gnawing sense of loneliness and a void, often a constant mind-nag that something or someone is missing!

The modern era has enabled us to communicate with a thousand people at the click of a button but not have one true soul to hear us just bare our guts out!
We may have three hundred people following us on our twitter account knowing:
-Have left for hostel!
-Mutton biryaani in lunch...mmm!
-Damn, these traffic jams!

Yet not even a handful who’d know
-That you had a pathetic fight with your parents before leaving for the hostel
-That the biryaani you may have made but have no one to accompany you to enjoy its pleasure and you shall be gulping it down alone, talking just to yourself or to a black hole called the internet.
-That while you stood there alone stranded in the traffic jam, the thought of being stuck in a life-rut drove you to the point of self destruction!

Busy schedules and just too many chores and deadlines at hand...wanting too many things too fast and then getting bored of them as easily as that....are not just the symptoms of this depressive tendency but also the factors that are preventing them from reaching out!
So it is all a viscous cycle at the end of it!
And before you know...you are whirling in a hurricane of your own emotions!

You get inclined and addicted to the first person who shows consolation and empathy towards you!
You get drawn irresistibly and addictively to any hint of empathy or understanding, isolating yourself even more from the real world!
So while our best friend may not know what’s bothering our mind...an internet buddy would not just know but also be guiding you through the mess! A puppet show, anyone? The strings slowly move out of our hands as we merely become slaves to our emotions! We feel crappy one day and happy at another for no apparent reason at all triggering them!

Everyone’s bored of just existing...
This despite that we now have at our disposal a host of technical facilities...a hundred channels on the television, the social networking sites providing you a throng of “friends” at the click of a button, mobiles to help you be tracked no matter what, blogs to vent out your deep n latent feelings and more hang outs in posh looking malls to kill time! You have the world at your feet and yet your feet refuse to budge...take you further!
What fetters are these?

And yet the boredom!
Is it justified?

Or is it the case of too much on the platter spoiling the fun out of enjoying each individually!
We are gulping down instead of relishing!
We are texting a “send to all” message instead of taking out time to spread out a sheet of paper n penning our thoughts!
We are now window shopping more than going to a favourite store to lovingly hand pick!
We prefer to sleep around instead of getting into the hassles of love...or some at the other extreme edge...keep waiting for true love so desperately that they forget to reach out altogether!

We create little cocoons to shelter us fearing too much revealed is too much putting at risk!
We show the world what they and we want them to see....not what we really are!
And hence the short-lived gratification of an achievement that is as quick to fall out as sand in the hand!

What should be done?
If we are all alone...aren’t we united then in our loneliness?

Is there a solution...a suggestion...or some help?
Or is it just a part of growing up that they must endure the hard way...be killed a little everyday...to feel alive*hypothetically* some day?

And Thus I fell!

Another one of my walk ventures, turning into misadventures...

Yup...I fell!

And I remember Shakespeare uncle’s words here in Julius Caesar:
“What a fall it was my friends!
Then not just he (here you read as-she), but you, I and the country fell”
*Well, I know that’s not an exact quote before you prepare to sue me for being an English teacher and not remembering this...helloooooooo I have better things to do than run after Shakespeare....err...better people too;-)*

Okay...so it was a fine evening!
I was oscillating between the idea of going for my signatory walk or going shopping!
And I chose the former!
Obviously a grave error of judgement!
Who the f@#$ chooses walk over shopping?
I had to pay for my sin against the reputation of women-kind and the dainty, well-manicured, well-shopped-minus-the-credit-cards fairies in the heavens were ready to show their wrath!

The weather was beautiful...frothy, cotton ball like black clouds were stretching on the horizon, Mr. Sun blanketed by them and a cool breeze was blowing transforming my little town of Kanpur into an industrialized version of Nainital!
To add to the awesome mausam was the greenery of the lush green campus of the college I walk in, just dipped clean by droplets of a shower!

So what the heck...I collected my paraphernalia!
My I-pod, my mobile, the head phones, my room key, the umbrella and all of myself...now you can imagine the burden on my not-so-tiny and yet fragile shoulders!

And I began my walk as though my life depended on it...picturing a mini romance waiting for me somewhere down any corner*I had even imagined a blog post after the events to unfold entitled “Woh Barsaat ke Ek Sham”* knowing full well, that there are greater odds of finding a dinosaur egg in that campus than a decent cute enough guy to flirt with!

Within 15 minutes, the drizzle became stronger!
The breeze seemed to be in a teasing mood instead, raising my Anarkali style kurta here and there. I was telling Indra Dev-
“Prabhu, go n woo some other apsara...
I am anyways wearing tights under my kurta!
It’s not like this is a skirt,
So stop being a flirt!”

But probably Indra Dev*is he related to Rahul Dev by any chance?* did not like my refusal to oblige...
He blew harder*it’s just the wind...don’t get excited*
And called upon his bro Megh Dev to assist in his not so decent designs!

It now began pouring n blowing and with me multi tasking in the middle of it all!
One hand holding the umbrella, tugging at my hands to join the gust...with another holding the I-pod and the key and another managing the cell phone!
Okay...error...I remember now I have just two hands...
Well, what the heck! They all assisted in the tasks...mushkil ke ghadi mein apne haath he saath dete hain...no puns intended!

In all this mess came a speeding youngster in his swanky car and whooshed past me with so much force that I had to step down the cemented road, one feet down on the muddy fringes and in between there somewhere, somehow, I slipped and fell!

Not like a thud-thud slip!
Just swish and swoosh slip!
Fell on one knee and before anybody could realize that a woman in their straight line vision suddenly went out of it and would have to lower the eye lids to find me bundled on the ground...I got up and began to saunter as though nothing happened at all!

Home was still 10 minutes away and I walked with my head held high, not even waiting to examine the damage done below till I reached home!

And when I did...
Voila...the tights which were relatively new and cost me bloody 320 bucks were gone from the knee...
It pained like the pain in the arse!
A big red patch, covering my entire knee ball had surfaced there instead and the remains of the cloth stuck to my wounds!
Was that white thing my bone actually?
Must be...there can’t be anything else possibly white, running along with my blood, no matter how pristinely white and pure my thoughts are!

OMG...I am injured...wounded...hurt!
I called my dearly beloved...
Me- Mein gir gaye:-(
My beloved- Oho...baby, is the road alright?

Grrr...I called my best friend...
Me- Mein gir gaye:-(
Best Friend- Tch, awww how did you come home?
Me*excited at the first dint of consolation*- On my own...just imagine!
BF- Oho...you should have called up the crane guys...they would have done it for free...considering you are a lighter burden than what they mostly carry!
Grrrrrrr..............

I put it up on my status on Face book:
“Mein gir gaye!”
My friends:
1. - Kiss par? Ab uske haalat kaise hain?
2. – Abhi recently they had built the campus roads...what a waste!
3. – Go in for a tetanus injection...I’ll pray the needle does not break before getting into your skin!
4. – Hopefully this would not affect your brain and you’d continue to remain....abnormal!
5. – I never thought that could happen...err...you meant physically na...mentally to we all know that’s your perpetual state!
6. –Mein Kaziranga Gaya!
7. – That can’t be the bone...that must be a layer of skin under the hypo...blah! Blah! Blah!
8. - Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!

:-(
Boo hoo...of course there were sweet responses too!
But then...
Mein Gir Gaye! :-(

The Work-Out Express!

The gymnasium can prove to be the epicentre of loads of action!
*And by that I do not mean just lifting weights or performing with the rod!* It is a full blown gossip monger’s paradise!

My gym is abuzz with some scandal or LOL moment always!
It’s like going every morning to your very own news weekly or daily!

There’s this late 30 something guy who comes there...I call him Mr. Blackie!
Dark as ash, with moustache...and somehow living in the conviction that the vest style uppers were made for just his kind of drop dead looks*yes, one can actually die after looking at him*
Pssssssst...my dear, those multi coloured vests are awful...wish I could tell you that...but to do that I would have to actually TALK to you...and I wish THAT never happens! A torture for the eyes is preferable to the torture to the entire system!

Of course the blessing there is, he is so dark n sweaty that the bunch of ugly gnawing patch of underarms’ hair get hidden in his skin colour*nope, I don’t stop my regime to look at that but the very things that you pray life does not show you, end up becoming the very things that surface before you, more than often-like lizards mating- ewwwwwwwwwww!*

And this obnoxious guy*he has sparkling white teeth, by the way* the other day was checking himself out in the huge mirrors put up on all the walls. Suddenly the music changed to a lively number and he broke out in a Mika-style head rotation along with springing jumps and actually continuing to do so for full one minute!!!!!!!!!
Had he done it for half a minute more, I would have for sure needed an ambulance for sudden and irreparable cardiac arrest! The jarring moves leave me in shudders even now and I dread the number being played again in the gym!

There’s another specimen! He’s Mr. Stud!
Lean, tall again mid 30’s*that’s the dangerous age bracket it seems* and some would call him handsome!
When he moves it feels as though his body is screaming, “Oh look at me! I am god’s gift to mankind!”
He wears the hosiery material shorts and t-shirt that cling to his physique worse than that white saree in the waterfall, on Mandakini’s body in the flick ‘Ram Tere Ganga Maile’! The scene here is equally obscene my friends, or perhaps that is his very aim! If you have it, flaunt it syndrome! And by now, every boy and girl, instructor and helper, receptionist and watchman in the gym knows he has it!
Thank god for small err big err...whatever mercies!

He would work out and then check out*himself and the handful of women around* and then raise his leg or protrude out his butt!
He’s almost Menkah in action, thinking we all lesser mortals are Vishwamitras!

Then there is another nerd...a Punjab Da Puttar*PDP* who insists on wearing Capri pants to work out!
Twice they have torn during leg lunges, yet not deterring him to alter his path...I think he likes the idea of his trouser slitting...
He believes in that tagline
“It is not right to always pull someone’s leg...
It is not right to always pull someone’s leg...
You should also spread them sometimes ;-)”
Does anyone here comes actually to work out*except me of course*?

And then there would be the aerobic sessions!
These are revelations in themselves!
If you happen to be standing in the third or fourth line, you are bound to be a victim of ‘Dhrishti-atyachaar’-the screwing up of your vision!

People would bend forward in their teeny weenie t-shirts, giving you a full view of their lower inners peeking out unapologetically at the first hint of public glory!
And now my dearies...brand does matter!
They’d be a VIP or an Amul gazing in our faces...
They’d also be Jockey’s and Tommy Hilfiger’s!
And you’d be surprised to know how famous bright red and fluorescent yellows are with men here in Uttar Pradesh...or is it just another one of bizarre Kanpur traits or worse still...is it actually a men-all-over-the-world fetish?

Animal prints too, eh? Hmm...I discovered these at the gym...where else!
But sometimes I get confused...not in the exercise step silly, in the dilemma, if it was the same print tit bit worn yesterday, covering my predecessor’s butt, as of now!
And please would people stop wearing low waist undergarments...it can be so bloody disturbing in so bloody everything!



As for women...they are pretty much the same here as anywhere else!
There are items of these species with full make up on at 6.30 a.m.*yes, in the morning*
There are a couple who exercise for 15 minutes and make the male trainer press their bodies for the next 15 minutes in the name of stretches to relax! You should watch them close their eyes and smile with pleasure while in this act. I would give my right hand, right leg and right everything to know what they’d be thinking at that moment!

There is one who emerged out of a cubicle in the changing room recently and when I tried to venture in, much to my surprise a full bloodied man somehow squeezed his way out too from the same 6 feet by 6 feet box!
Something inside me warned not to rush out screaming “Magic, magic...8th wonder just happened in there!”
I soon found out that both are happily married...to separate spouses of course!

There is another lady who one day rushed into the changing room with tears in her eyes. Out of concern, I followed her*yes, only concern...my gossipy antennas were resting in peace...at least till then!*
She was screaming to someone over the mobile phone...
“What do you think of yourself? You would give that bitch more attention than me? You think I don’t understand these games? How dare you touch her waist?”

I sneaked out thinking I can’t help in this...only to bump into the new six-packs instructor in the corridor explaining over his mobile, “I am so sorry...I will not touch any female again...I promise...come out baby...I’d touch you and heal my mistake!”
OHH MYYY GOOOOOD GODDD!

Then there is an enthusiast with holes in track pants that are begging termination of their lives, but the hostess holds on to them as though her own dear life depended on it!
There are some who come with hair neatly tied in a plat the first day, but seeing the heat quotient soon come with their zulfein laharaaoing in the ceiling fans!
Some ooze of the most expensive perfumes, others make you pray that you could keep your nose at home and come there for training!

There are some who wipe their sweat in slow motion format of movies and others who drench their chiselled countenances with cold water in full public view!

There are those who lift the 1 kg dumb bells as though they are obliging it and some again who would increase the kgs going by the number of onlookers admiring it*no matter if they can barely walk out on their own legs after that*

You can spot the best of cat walks on the tread mill and the craziest of moans and screams coming from the weight section! Since there are just men in that domain, we do not rush to aid or speculate!
There are many who letch and many who are being letched at, both categories feeling their paisa was vasool-ed!

It’s a fun world of work out...you just need to work out the way to fun!

And now in writing this, another significant revelation has dawned upon me...I now know why I am bloody not losing any weight! :(