Thoda Aur Wish Karo-dream a little dream for me!

Life offers everyone life altering moments...
I have been waiting for mine...
Dreamt n enacted them...
Even happily lived ever after there!
These are images that don’t just come n go but stay with me as a deep down urge for life.
I know I have once before also enumerated my mad dreams...but this time my friends, I am dead serious*waise how on earth can someone be LIVE serious...beats me!*

Scene 1:
I am walking along the road as a commoner and a speeding truck comes from the other side...vrooooooooooom!
An old man is walking along with his stick, oblivious to his almost approaching end...tak...tak...tak...goes his stick*abhi sound effects ke bina narration looks pheeka-pheeka nahi?*
I look at the two extremes*in slow motion for your picturization but in Rajnikant lightening speed* and without any fear for my own life I rush forward, ekdum filmy ishtyle se saying ‘NAAAHIIIINNNN’ n push the oldie to safety, after almost risking my own life in the procedure*yes, I can be duh sometimes and that, if happens, would qualify as one such moment*

But how is this life altering you may ask?
Hellooooooooooow sweeties...That old man is among Forbes’*you can alter that to any other magazine* richest NRI in the U.K. and is here in India because he has cancer*you can alter that to whatever other disease as long as it is fatally fatal* n he wanted to visit his native town...
Voila! He meets his life saviour*yours truly* and is so impressed by my Jhansi Ki Rani instincts. So him having no family back home, signs his 5000*I don’t mind more zeroes there*million dollars to me as gratitude inheritance and dies in ONE week* oye...here you canNOT alter the time frame...sab kuch thode na aapke marzi se chalega*

So there I am now drenched in riches and counted among bitches!
What a spoilt n wonderful life that would be!
Why aren’t there more oldies like him, stupid speeding trucks that only threaten n do not kill n stupid old me at the right moment n right time?
Unfair, I tell you!

Scene 2:
This waking dream fulfilment wish has been with me since I have been with me...bole to since I have traversed the Mother Earth.
I am the girl next door that movies are made on.
The salwar kameez garbed seedhe saadhe kudi whom the hero bumps into n eventually takes home to his mom n never mind the vamps smouldering in the backdrop in their skimpy clothes n never mind if I don’t cook him parathe-sharathe n ghar ka khaana after that!

But now that I am no longer a girl-girl...as in married-sharried n old-shold...or rather older-sholder ho gaye...
So there’s an alteration to the hallucination.

Cut to the face-lifted scene:
I am a top writer...matlab not over the top waala but ‘Oh wow! What a top class writer she is!’ waala.
I write blogs that millions read*and that’s not the dream yet*
Somehow somewhere, there is this quiet anonymous admirer*yes, despite my stupid last post where I bashed the poor anonymous souls* who is a fanatic follower of all that I write and bowls me with his flattering comments...
I interact with him...beginning with harmless little coquettish conversations...and slowly he seems to be addicted to me!
He thinks I am the nicest person in the human race*now there I give you some semblance with reality*

Arre...don’t you dare look here n there or go to the bottom of the page...
Picture abhi baaki hain!

And then one fine day he reveals his identity to me...
He is Salman Khan...or Ranbir Kapoor...or Hrithik Roshan...
And has fallen madly, deeply, truly in love with MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!

I am like no other woman he has come across*aisa mein nahi woh bolenge...mein kab apni taaref khud karte hoon?*
And he wants me to star in his film if not come into his life...
I tell him how mere paon mein baidiyaan bandhe hain...mangalsutra ki...
Er...I know gale mein bandhe hain should be more like it...but then it sounded more like a dog collar than a baide...so twisted the drama!

But somehow he comes to Kanpur with all the media*yes in Rakhi Sawaant tone...oh no the meddiyya*
And I agree to do a short film completed in ten days!
Voila...what do you know...in a month’s time I receive the National Award for Best Actress and Kareena n Priyanka n Katrina hate me coz all the eligible heroes want producers to cast me!

Ah! So there I am now again...
Being what posters are made of...what sells soaps n fans n juices...what twitters and breaks records of even Lady Gaga...what even Amit wants to act with romantically...arre, Amit bole to apna Amitabh Bachchan re!

Hehe...I guess I took Shahrukh uncle very seriously when he said...
Thoda aur wish karo!;-)

So koi oldie who is flithy...as in filthy rich n about to die...please do one kind deed before your end...inform me where you saunter about n let me oblige there with a truck taken from my father’s transport company!
Or if you are a celebrity n looking to fall in love...
Blush...blush...need I say more!

Anonymous Blogging!

I am often asked how I can be so blatantly blunt n brutally honest about stuff on my blog!
Sometimes I wonder too...
Is it because very few folks in family or friends-acquired not the through the net, actually read me?
*although I always link my posts on my Facebook page so that anyone out of the 400 odd people there can feel free to traverse down the lanes of my mind*
Or is it because on this platform I have made friends with individuals who know me through n through coz they hear/read me speak/rant my guts out about all my issues, which normally no one around me gets to?
*I actually feel no need to vent out my mind to any person once I have done it here to the laptop screen*
Or is it because all*most*of you, dear readers, have no access to my life directly and hence there is no real harm done...so I play a safe n snug game?

Whatever...
I take a long while to trust people with my feelings and opening up before them in actual life...I may do all the hee-haw’s n spend hours in mirth but never really disclose the gory details before them.
The net n blog provides me the breathing space to do so without inhibitions and with a recklessness that sometimes even I speculate on.
Like even I have my Omg moments...
Wtf!!!!!! I am mentioning the frequency of my sex life...or I am accepting that perhaps I may not be inbuilt to be an exemplary mother...or oye hoye, did I just tell the world that I have a big butt, when I could spend hours pondering on how to hide it*not literally hours there btw*!

I also wonder if I had been blogging anonymously, would I be any different.
Well, since I already mentioned the frequency...what worse...mention the poses n positions? Naaaaah...fat chance!
I already enumerated my crushes, my pangs, my desires, my anatomy...
Why the F@#% do I need anonymity when I can do all the damages being myself?

But on second thoughts...imagine the fun being anonymous...
I could mention my devious plans to seduce my object(s) of crush...
I could mention how fantasizing is good for well being...
I could be Agony Aunt...err...Agony Angel to love problems...
I could tell you how I was so good at dates*calendar waale nahi*
I could also be evil and a complete bitch for a change...
I could relate tried n tested formulas on what to do to make a man melt, literally n otherwise, that could save the world...
I could enumerate on the subtle art of evoking compliments from others...
And so much more gyan from my presumably now hypothetical world*eyes glint with devilry*

I spend so much effort n money*yup, the internet does not come for free dude* in trying to convince my dear anonymous blogger buddies to come out of the hiding...It is sometimes very frustrating to be flirting with a faceless person...to think of a blog page and screen words when you try to reminisce about a blogger!

While some have relented...others continue to play games*looking at you Bluntu with squinted eyes and wrath of a woman...okay of a cute woman*

I now enjoy beautiful friendships with a whole lot of my blogger friends on Facebook...
So thank you Pallavini, Amn, Rishi, Ria, Akshay, Achyut, Nico, Tamanna, Rahul, Bhavika, Menkah, Bikram, Hary, Persis, Lincoln, Sobhit, Amit, Ankur, Sulagna, Cathy, Saket, Shayon, Nil, Chandrakala, Vikram, Bishu, Prithwish, Sakshi, Shriti, Sayantan, Tanvi, Malpani, Smrithi and some more people I met on the blogosphere just like that and they now stand witnesses to my life in passing.
These are amazing writers, fashionistas, poets whom I get to know more each day through their statuses n pictures, besides the posts-who opened up their world to me.
*The Bald Guy n Bluntu...you don’t get counted in this list n you know why...but you do get counted in being two of my favourite writers n someday I’d succeed in knowing how u look...haah!*
Imagine my plight of may be someday just walking down your hometowns n passing you guys by...
You’d recognize me n I’ll not know that you were there*ahh...matlab no time to doll up to look delicious or at least act as one!*

I am still pondering upon anonymous blogging and its benefits though...
You can be downright dirty, mad, scheming, outrageous, breaking social norms and no one ever knows...
But then why tell the link to those who might know n judge?
Or better still, let them judge.
This is your space n you chose how to be...if they don’t like it, let them sit on the middle finger n spin!

It is better to reveal as you are instead of letting them live in a supposition of how you think they should discern you.
Imagine the burden of existing in apprehensions of them knowing the reality someday- Juggling between make-belief and the truth that is out there!

And then any sensible person who really knows you or is worth you thinking about his opinion would see through how much blabbering is just for fun, or to generate an opinion instead of the actual state of affairs.
Quoting my example, most people do not really take me seriously...like I’d say I am concerned about the growing ‘heat’ on the planet n they’d think I am making a sexual connotation instead of being genuinely hassled about global warming! Hah! Can you believe that?
Now I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing :-)

I don’t fear judgement... I invite it and that’s my defence!
I am like this only...take it or your loss and go for a toss!

Anyways, most writers suffer from hyper exaggeration syndrome or dramatization of descriptions...
They use words more to hide than to reveal...Hence a few writers often have disclaimers on their page.
They are smart enough to convince you of humour, when they are actually being truthful and make you cringe in their pain, when all they really want is sympathy.

So how sad it is when the humanity does not know or love you for who you are but for a phrase of URL that you project.
Is such a silent admiration really worth the effort?
Come out...say as you feel...be as you are...
And the world shall love you still the same...at least those would who are worth keeping would!

P.S. This is not a venture to get anyone out of the hiding...I love all my blogger friends whom I interact with whether they are anonymous or not...It is just a general expression of my bafflement to understand the contentment of an anonymous existence of any kind Vs a less glamorous but honest one!
The blogosphere is known for weird characters n thankfully none that I know here!

Statutory Warning:Laughing at others can be injurious to health!

Arre...don’t look at the screen with disbelief!
Yes really...it is!
Okay...lemme take you down my own memory n history lane to help you understand the true import of it!
You guys don’t really get it, till you see me ridiculed, do you?

Cut to my childhood:
I almost raised my eyebrow of disdain at my cousin who had her first baby at the age of 33...
Within my *then*limited knowledge n *then*immature brain, I presumed it was too late to be a mother...
*Oh sweet lord...why does common sense not come commonly early?*
Well...Look at me now!
All of 32, gearing to be 33 soon and just bestowed with Seeya!
*funny sense of justice haan, bhagwaan ji?*

I had this real funny neighbour with an even funnier butt!
And when I happened to walk behind her, I always amused myself with the way her left one would go up and then the right would fight to take its breathing space, like two water melons squeezed into a limited vibrating room n hence juggling to fit in!
I smirked to no end with unabashed amusement within my *then*tiny frame thinking ‘wtf is THAT following behind her?’
As I grew up, I realized much to my horror that if not water melons...there were some breed of musk melons at least developing behind my back...er...under it rather!
Don’t ask me my dread at the idea of a hot dude watching me go past with his eyes opened wide at the prospect of my so called ‘derriere’!
*If you are a “hot dude” ...kindly note, the writer here is prone to bouts of exaggeration n in reality ‘things’ don’t LOOK as bad as they are made to be*


Damn you Kareena Kapoor and some Kim ‘with-a-weird-surname’ for your super sexy bottoms that makes all the rest of us so pressurized that we often sit over it for hours...literally n otherwise!
Whoa...do u think names that begin with K lead by default to super sexy butts? How about Kuruchi, then...?
Naaaaah...will manage with whatever’s there of mine to turn heads...for whatever reasons!

I have always been super n magnetically prone to open my gyan ka pitaara...my generous, enlightment box*read that as the infinite grey advisory cells of my brain* for couples who spend rather limited time in the sack in doing....you know what!
Haaaaaw hai- n I would smile vainly in vanity of course!
And there would be delivered a speech on the importance of relations in bed for a happily ever after marital bliss!
Never mind if there are kids, it is the moral duty of a wife to help her man unwind*yes, you can sue me for my super duh principles and take some of these stupid grey cells as the penalty*
For cut to now...our browbeaten average in one month of having a baby has dipped worse than any sen‘sex’ crash!
I am not complaining though...but you can imagine who is doing so n that too big time with all the drama attached!
*if only someone had told me to keep my gap shut when it was most needed! Sigh!*

I used to be a snooty, judgemental bitch of kinds when I would see ill-mannered toddlers with their parents who’d provide the child with anything he demanded, just because he’d raise his voice to a scream or modulate it into a dramatic cry for it, even though there was no hint of any actual tear being formed! ‘What spoilt brats! Mom n dad ne kuch nahi sikhaya lagta hain’-my mind would reverberate...

And now, my dear Seeya is my all time test of patience n perseverance...
For when she wants something that is not handed over with complete obeisance to her....there is a thunder war cry like rolling of drums to proclaim the wrath of the heavens!
If she screams back at me...I consider it less painful to hand over the object of dispute than to give her a moral lecture on why she should not have it!
*thinking of course that there’s a lifetime left for that...let me survive first to manage it eventually!*

I once laughed my guts out when I saw a man toppling over on a scooter because he was maaro-ing style to screech it to a halt to impress a couple of prospective flirt interests in teeny weenie clothes!
I have mentioned this before and let me not leave another chance of self humiliation...how in my days of thunder*read that as when I was unmarried...any reference to me being super hot or sexy is coincidental and the writer takes no liability for it*...
Okay...so I fell in a ditch of the busiest street of my town, with a thud louder than the thunder, when it was pouring cats n dogs n even the rest of their families, right in front of two hot objects of my desire*in masculine gender of course*
Thadham I went into an open main hole, half floating in dirty water, with these two idiots of human forms laughing their guts out instead of being chivalrous enough to lend a helping hand and start a love story!
Anyways...my toss became their loss!

So I guess point made...
Next time, you feel the urge to spread the corners of your mouth into a monkey grin at someone else’s cost...please do remember that there is someone up there watching, as though He has no other work in this world n He’s got a funny sense of humour to get back to you in a way that would make you go ‘ouch!’

Issued in public interest!
Suruchi! :-)

We are made for certain things and maybe not for others!

I was having an interesting conversation with a dear friend the other day when a kind of hypothesis or premise appeared quite conspicuously to the fore!

I was generally cribbing about the odious tasks pertaining to motherhood*I swear I have not cribbed so much in 32 years of my existence on Mother Earth as I have in the last 32 days...Motherhood makes you a cribbing pot, dear folks...so beware n please bear*

Okay...so I was generally ranting n doing waa-waa*sob, sob* when this friend pointed out to me that maybe I was not made for motherhood!

It struck me as a thunderbolt for in my subconscious I was always afraid of the same!

You know how people beam post having a child in their arms...
A smile is like a permanent fixture and could put even Monalisa to shame...
My countenance is often the display of exasperation n tiredness!
And if there is anything that I am sure of on this planet, it is this that I would have felt the very same had Seeya been born of my own womb!

After entertaining my daughter for an odd three-four hours at an end and anyways being 24/7 around her*she hardly sleeps* and for lack of other expected sources doing the needful, I am at a loss for more means or energy to amuse her any further!
I mean I can engross an adult for hours at a stretch...but a one sided communication...I wondered what makes mothers go on n on...

So I did what I thought was sensible...becoming Ms. Sherlock Homes again!
I enquired of other women if they actually had any similar tendencies or am I the only weird one on this planet...
Thankfully many of them report of having gone through severe bouts of depressions, PMS that got extended to months*ouch* and some even saying that they were so tired of the constant yelling n bawling of the child that they did not want to see his face for a while*omg*!

Thankfully, things have not gone down that road!

But sometime or the other...I miss my old life that I had been used to of, since ten years of my married life!

Being responsible for no one else really but yourself!

Having the whole day n often night also to do anything n everything you liked!
Gyming...long walks...happy times with your beloved when you talked about each other and other F-words instead of farex and fever...
Coffee with friends...random dinners...parties...a movie every Sunday...
Blogging my guts out...flirting my heart out...making new friends...giggles over the phone...
Teaching for six hours a day n loving the interaction with kids!
Shopping whenever discounts hit the market...parlour visits...dressing up...occasional holiday trips...n more blah blah...
Basically leading a pointless, self-centred life and so busy enjoying it to the core that not even getting bored or apologetic about it!
I loved my life despite also the constant and crushing struggle to have a baby!


Cut to now...it’s been some one n half months with Seeya!
I have hardly moved out of the house...not tasted any outside food apart from ghar ka khaana...no gym, no walk...teaching now for only a couple of hours a day!
Not left Seeya alone or away from me except for two hours just this Sunday when we went for a movie...
Not much of my mad blogging since the inspiration sources are not around!
Been generally cut off from friends for the fear that I’d just be cribbing again and bore the life out of them...
No time to even get threading done...not worn a lipstick in these days, forget about dressing up!
SSTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
So there...I go on my whining trip again!

However, thanks to my infinite amount of innate sense of justice-a Libran trait...I know I would do all my duties to the best of a person’s abilities...
And also have a hunch that in all probability and god being kind, I might even win a ‘Best-mommy’ award in future...
Every day my hyper active kid*certified by the doc* smiles at me with her eight teeth now or clings to me in the biggest of hugs and I melt faster than ice cream in sunlight!

But yet, I would never be half as good as my mom...or half as ready to sacrifice all my happiness altogether and never feel even a twinge of pain about it!
Isn’t that what motherhood is really about-the epitome of selfless sacrifice?

Anyways...what premise I reached on was...that we are all programmed in a certain way to be or not to be!
We are cut out for certain tasks and not for others, regardless of the fact that we may perform them with immaculate perfection!
Deep within each one of us knows what constitutes us and what can make us happy or less happy if not!

Like many people are not cut out for marriages!
They may have lived with their spouses for life n celebrated jubilees with much gusto. But to themselves, they know they were meant to be wanderers or free spirits...or they were meant to love more than one person in life...they were destined to be alone to be true to their intrinsic nature and inner satisfaction! They were so given in to introspection and mood swinging aloofness that often people around either did not understand or bother about them too much!
So some day they look out from the window and ‘sigh’ which nobody hears!

Like this friend pointedly n often asserts that he shall never marry!
He’s in his early twenties and I often dissuade him with my utopian ideas that marriages are good!

I quote my own example and enumerate compelling benefits of a happy matrimony that could turn the worst of detractors into believers*you know how relentless I can be*!
But with time I realize that maybe he is actually not!
He has a roving eye, is extremely cynical about good marriages, having seen some bad ones around him...is more of a loner and hence gets either too carried away by company or rather soon bored of it and countless other reasons!

My point is...
Just because it is a social norm followed through ages, it does not mean that it is supposed to be extended by one n all with a blindfold!
We must think twice before advising someone that ‘you’d get used to of that life in time’!
Let the person decide with his own subconscious in counsel.

It is not necessary for girls to get married at an early age...or marry at all till they do not feel ready and yearning for it!
I still have unmarried girlfriends I went to school with, who have rocking careers and good lives and no hurry still to walk down the aisle!
Why should we judge them...or give unsolicited advice of its after effects in later life?
If they are old enough to vote, aren’t they old enough to accept responsibility for their liabilities?

Neither should it be a matter of compulsion to have kids because you are “supposed” to have them!
Most people often look at kids as a retirement ensurance plan...
‘I want kids so that there would be someone to look after me in my old age’
Little do they realize that most kids now-a-days go away for further studies or better prospects of life n seldom return!
Want kids for ‘kids’ themselves...not for yourself!

I am slowly fitting into a role with 100%effort and undisputed dedication that has been bestowed on me for that’s how I am programmed...
Whatever life throws my way, I must adorn it in such a way that no finger can be raised against me!
People still quote my G n me, when they talk of an exemplary marriage!
But how many of us feel trapped in roles assigned to us?
Jobs that we detest!
Spouses that we care two hoots for!
Cities that cram our creativity!
A public image that we must live in even if it slowly makes us die?

Any landmark step of life...that can alter the way you are n how you live...must be given thorough consideration, deliberation n motivation before realization to remain truly happy in your skin!
Understand what is your true calling and if you are being moulded in the role that you may not be fitted for, would you do justice to it?

Know what you are programmed for and strive to fuse that in your life or realize what you truly are and hence at least banish some clouds of baffling doubts n uncalled for struggle!

Okay enough Gyan from Suruchi maata....hopefully a more cheerful post next time!
What have I realized through this vomit of my thoughts above?
-It is time to put a complete end to any trace of cribbing from today!
Full stop for full good! Phew!
I need a BIIIIIIIG hug now....time to wake Seeya up for that! :-)

I want a Gay or Lesbian Friend!

With full respect to the homosexual community, this is not a dig at their preferences!
This is just an expression of a truly felt urge of good intensions!

I have yet to come across a true bloodied gay or lesbian person, to know if things are actually spot on with them as are portrayed on television n in the movies!
Do they make better or worse friends or is there no bloody difference what-so-ever?

The closest I have come across so far is a pseudo or partially lesbian happily married friend, or so I think and please don’t ask me how I know that*that bole to ke she is ‘partially lesbian’ n not the ‘happily married’ bit*
But then she charms the women just as instinctively as she does the men...
So she belongs to another class of experimentation n analysis altogether!

It is apparently not essential that lesbians are manly or aggressive per se!

Nor do the men have female demeanour, voice or being prone to falling all over the men as is the general stance circling about them!
They could be inconspicuously a part of our surroundings...not meaning to segregate them as a category that should not, but then, who knows may be I even have a crush on a couple of them too...so it requires caution to ensure an unbroken heart*as always I am not going to ‘boo-hoo’ here about the prospects of my broken heart with them coz already and anyways there is a plethora of such hearts queuing up in my not-so-little frame...sigh! Sigh!*
 
Of course media as a medium is prone to exaggeration, I mean especially about the mannerisms, but then it would not harm to know by just about how much?

Like the latest cook in my house has hands that are always at an angle of 90 degrees when he is expressing himself*in words that is* and lips that get curled n compressed when he talks and eyes that bat an extra twirl and we all keep wondering about him*not that we have nothing better to do, but then curiosity does spark through, most unintentionally*So when we make him sleep in the servants quarter meant for the men, there does arise a fleeting doubt about his safety or perhaps that of others!

Anyyways...It will be a dream come true to be able to turn a man with preference for men, into one with inclination for women*specifically one* due to the fact that he came across the alluring charms of LITTLE-MISS-ME
*batting my eyelids coyly...yeees, while others dream of becoming doctors, engineers and the likes...even my dreams make me outstanding...standing OUTside the normal human race!*

But seriously, I often fantasize about this scenario*okay now not THAT seriously but then generally*...
My forces of beauty n hypnotic smile n sensuous persona driving a happily gay man into a charmed besotted youth singing Keats’s ‘La Belle Dame Sans Mercy’ in the woods of er...Kanpur dehaat!*

Of course a dear friend then checked n pricked my dream by telling me the following facts:
A. Your one dream actually has two dream sequences:
1. A gay man turning into a heterosexual...which is rarely possible, for such things are some harmonically*blah-blah* activated n once established it is an irreversible process*I slept through the rest of the scientific explanation so Google for details*
2. The fact that YOU madam, have forces of “beauty and hypnotic smile n sensuous persona” is in itself a heightened delusion!

B. Before attempting to turn a man with ‘preference for men’ into an admirer, at least try your hand*with no puns intended* to turn a man with preference for women into one!
Grr...Never mind the poor imagination n lack of foresight of this dumb friend!

Anyways...
Sexual preferences don’t make one extraordinary!
For there will always be rules of nature and wherever there are rules there are also bound to be broken!
And exceptions are somehow often more intriguing!
Like it leaves me pondering as to what goes on in the mind of someone who gets turned on seeing another human body with similar body parts as his own!
Isn’t that a tad boring?
God created the change in gender, perhaps to cater to the ‘variety is the spice of life’ tendency of mankind!
However, mankind as is the case with it often...extended the proverb beyond the frames of possibilities!

Also I mull over how liberating it would be to be able to talk n interact with another dish of a man with absolute lack of my inhibitions or socially raised eyebrows because he is purely not interested in my body*ahem, ahem...hehe...as if the rest of the world is going Lady Ga-Ga over it!*

It is worth weighing, how almost at the edge would be the rendezvous with a female who hugs you on every pretext and sometimes gives that peck on the cheek that gets a bit sidelined or most naively strokes the soft skin of your arms and leaves you always wondering....
Is she...?
Are these...?
Does she...?

Please don’t get me wrong here...it would so make my day to be the object of affection even from someone of my own sex*and phuleezee this is not due to the ‘beggars can’t be choosers syndrome*!
I don’t see why celebrities get all stiff when they are coined as ‘gay icons’ n the likes. It is such a high form of adulation for you turn on absolutely any living being...leaving plants and animals alone thankfully!

Why should someone feel any discomfort at all in the presence of a homosexual friend? It’s not as if they have no sense of restraint or hyper sense of desperation! They surely have lives beyond their bodies n bodily needs!
I mean look at George Michael...Ricky Martin...so simply awesome n yet outside MY reach just becausethey are f@#$ing not interested in women*never mind their celebrity status*

So people...please pray for me to get a gay or lesbian friend soon...or both to be better! Those wondering if I am using my post to secretly hunt for my own female fetish...please read the rest of my pages...
I have yet not completely explored the men-kind to be able to turn my attentions even by 0.09 degrees to other choices available!
The rest of you still undecided about what to think or do or look out for...please don’t strain much...just leave a flattering comment in the section below and serve the humanity by doing your bit of flattery for a poor deprived soul like me!:-)

The Thailand Mystery!

There is something very alluring about Thailand and I feel there’s a reason why I have not yet been to this land!
*Based on statutory warnings I guess: Highly volatile substances should not be kept in close proximity!*
Actually the only phoren lands that I have traversed are Singapore n Malaysia...the poor man’s foreign get-away or so I taunt my beloved with...boo hoo!

But just what makes Thailand such a popular get-away?
Now, you don’t need to be Einstein to know that!
But just in case, you were born yesterday*like me who was born only last year* lemme provide you some rays from my enlightment!

In the last two years, the influx of tourists travelling to this particular destination has seen an all time rise!
How do I, the smarty pants, know it?
Well, I ain’t no researcher or statistician!
But more than 15 couples in our friend n acquaintance circle have been here so far and some doing it as a yearly ritual!

In fact I tease a couple of them saying, last year they went for a fling n this year they are probably going to meet their offspring of it!
The third year would be the first birthday day celebration n so on...
*you know how I can go on n on...so I’ll spare you the details*

On a serious note,
Curious as to why only Thailand, keeping aside the fact that shopping is cheap n abundant...I was finally successful in my probing!

Some say they go there for the massages!
Now, now...I have nothing against massages and you are welcome anytime to gift me one at the nearest n most extravagant spa, to render me as your devout follower with lifetime validity!
But then those in Thailand are massages where you don’t just lay...you get laid*and for once...all the puns intended*!

The sandwich massage as I thought and as I discovered, were two poles of a stick*never mind, which stick!*
Me*minus enlightment*: Sandwich massage is when two people put themselves over n under you to give you a massage with...their hands*yes, in the name of sweet lord...I was THAT duh!*
Now please don’t ask me how the f@#$ did I fathom that ANY massage in such a way was possible?

Anyyyways...
Me *post enlightment*: This massage includes making you a sandwich but in more ways than one...it is everything a massage can be and everywhere it could be and more. The rest of it is kinda haaaaaw...so run your own imagination horses, people!

You can pick the women of your choice, nationality, colour, contour, age...
Yes sir...womEN, whom you’d like to provide you with the service n the services!
You can have fun to your heart n body’s content and come back to the hotel and relate the adventures to your spouse with all the frenzy and kicks possible!
I have even heard arguments to the extent of “She spent those thousand bucks on a Louis Vitton bag and I spent it on my body...what’s the difference? Both were seeking pleasure!”

My point is...
Why are certain things being readily accepted, without raised eyebrows or disdain, just because you are in a foreign land?
Had the same rituals been performed at an arm’s distance from your own house, it would have been termed as philandering and your character having gone through an ass of an assassination!
Some standards we all live in!

Second, why paid sex, as a form of recreation, is more likely to be acknowledged while a physical association like just a casual one night stand looked down upon as cheating?
Isn’t that just a matter of social fear and set norms then that makes us moralistic or otherwise?
We want to be technically correct rather than sensibly right!

Often still, cheating in body is considered worse than cheating in mind...
What sense does it make?
Whether you are physically cheating on your partner or mentally committing yourself to someone...you are any which way being disloyal!
You can’t claim to be “pure” after verbally being involved or physically having strayed!

Third, when one thing is right for the man, how come the same thing becomes a question of chastity for a woman?

Amsterdam n Thailand have provided a different flavour to the variety-hungry traveller n also the voyeuristic one!
It is no longer a matter of watching with a gaping mouth when a nude show is performed in an arena! It is a form of art!
I have heard stories of how shows based on unimaginable tricks performed by unthinkable body parts are a rage with the Indian tourist!
It has become a matter of pride and flaunting that you were a part of it!
Strip tease or pole dancing bars and the likes are now on the agenda of a city tour where such flavours are openly available!

I am not trying to be moral police here!
Heck, going to Thailand and not having experimented is like going to Thailand and not having the Thai curry!
Err...okay...I know that analogy sucks! But point gone home, right?
I am just openly wondering!

In fact I tease my beloved to go ahead and be a tad more adventurous...
We must try out things at least once before discarding them as useless, insane, or dumb!
Whoa, I was all out looking for massage parlours in Singapore that would have lady masseurs giving him a dose of some fun...though it’s sad for him I did not succeed despite voracious efforts!

But then I put a simple condition before him that always acts as a leash...
“Whatever you try out, expect me to do the same too!”
And that ends the story there!*diplomacy you’d say...I say nopes...its tit for tat...and never mind what’s ‘tat’ here!*



So...do I condemn or condone?
I really don’t know...lemme go n get some first-hand experience of “stuff” myself and enlighten you further!
Now you can’t expect me to have all the answers, can you?

Till then...to each one his own!
Let’s keep our judgemental caps off for a change and anyone wishing to sponsor my Thailand holiday for his upliftment via my enlightment...
Please feel free to email me with details and win a special mention in the next post...free, free, free!:-)

My Angel with Horns!

They say you pay for your sins and reap rewards for your nobility within the current birth cycle itself!
My dear little adorable fairy of a daughter, who moonlights as a little multi-tasking imp, is here to prove that right!
All of eight months to be in a few days...she has me seeing stars in the day and pray for ray of hope at night when she refuses to do what ordinary and lesser mortals normally do...that is sleep, by the way!

I remember the day I first saw her at the orphanage where we got her from...
As the nun handed her over to us...she had that completely lost expression...yes, just like her mother*that’s me now btw*sports most of the time!

She seemed the quietest baby ever...for not a word was murmured while she shyly came into my arms.
She looked around with unmatched tranquillity...as though grasping things slowly...unruffled like a placid lake!
And we thought... awww....what a “shaant” n well behaved bachcha this is!
I was also thinking...phew! She’d be so easy to raise with all her serenity and gentleness! And yes it did follow a mental ‘yiyee, yiyee, yiyee!’ too.

Cut to now...1 month with us...and little Seeya has bloomed n how!
She’s proved that ‘helloooooooow dude...appearances can be deceptive!’
What you see is often not what you get!

She’s a little angel who transforms into a little terrorist every once in a while!
She’s hyperness personified!
She could easily win the “naughtiest child on earth award” hands down and before you say that’s what ALL mothers think...lemme tell you this is voiced by anyone and everyone who is fortunate enough to get to spend some time with her!*I sometimes feel when she’ll grow up a little...I would probably get regular complaints of her beating up the ruffian school boys or taking ‘hafta’ from the school staff!*

She’s my ‘gunda’ baby! And when I call her that in a sing-song way*trust me that’s a tune you don’t want to hear* she shakes her bum n nods her head to give me company so that her poor mommy does not look like a fool crooning on it alone!

She fidgets like her life depends on it...as though God sent her down with an ordinance that if her bum was to be fixed at one spot for more than five minutes...she’d be called back!
Screams as though it’s her birth right to do so for anything and everything that she does not like or does not get!
She feels sleep is a waste of time and being still is waste of space provided by us and legs gifted to her!
She is rarely quiet and this when she can rarely say a word beyond “ta..ta..ta..ta”*considering if these are words at all*

When I tell her ‘no-no’ for something...she nods her head to indicate ‘yes-yes’*mommy...if you think you are smart, I am smarter and making the rules here*
I put her on the cot to sleep and she rotates a complete 360 degrees to scare our guts out and make sure she is soon got to the bed instead!

I feel she’s slept now finally and would give me at least one hour of uninterrupted sleep for myself...but before the hand reaches the hour knell...you can hear her yell!
And when I am in the deepest hour of sleep or just about to flirt with a delicious hunk in my nightly sojourns of dreams, she is in the most hyper active one and again ensures she has me woken up with a start, just before I am being kissed*damn...earlier it was just my beloved breaking my love dreams now even my daughter has joined his ranks...can a human not get some privacy even in her dreams? Woe to the world!*

Cute looking stuff toys are put in her arms, so enticingly huggable that even Hitler would wanna cuddle them...but naah, that’s not Seeya style!
She would either pull out their fur or eat up the poor toy’s nose in the most voracious of bites that you would have seen*I make sure my nose is within safe distance of those predating teeth!*

She compulsively has to dip her fingers in the bowl when I try to keep it safely inches away while feeding her...and before I could clean off the khichdi from those tiny five extensions called her fingers...in the next instant, I would find that the khichidi has automatically managed to reach her clothes as well as mine and other unmentionable places on me n her!

When I do her maalish*massage* with milk n haldi n besan...she thinks I have brought a treat not for her body but for her mouth instead and rubs her hands on her stomach to take constant savoury bite of what’s being smeared on her! An outsider would think we do not feed her enough and get us sued!

When I try to bathe her...she’ll make sure to scream her guts out for a while even before the water ritual begins, so that everyone in the house*if it were possible, even the neighbourhood* would come rushing in to give me an unasked for verbal guide entitled ‘1 million suggestions on how to bathe/raise a kid’ and yes they do an encore of it each bloody day!

When I’ll put her on the potty seat, she’ll scrunch all those tiny facial muscles to make me believe of a successful emission and thereby mission accomplished...
So I raise her tiny bums to my lap and check...
Only to find my own flabbergasted reflection in the sparkling clean water in the pot that has not been gifted with bits of waste of hers and soon to follow is something wet n yellow and amazingly stinky on my kurta...and then this always is followed by the most pleased grin on her countenance!

And that’s not the worst people...the worst is that both me n she want to shit at the bloody same time as soon as we get off the bed!
And needless to say, you know who gets the preference and who’s been at the constant sacrificing end since her life cycle began some three decades ago!
Basically saying...
My motherly instincts overpower my bowel calls!

She’s like those automatic dolls with buttons...put her on the bed and she cries and pick her up in the arms and she’s quiet within a second...hell..There’s even a tear half way on the cheek...that drops dead in its track!


And as if pimples on my cheeks were not enough to deter any prospective cheek-y activity...I now have her nail scratches there too!
Not to mention the smell of baby food or baby shit emitting out of me often or dried farex being pulled out of my hair that get stuck together!

Phew!
Motherhood is tough people...
But tougher still is staying away from this adorable devil...
She’d do something real bad and grin with her six teeth to make you forget it!
She’d lap n move her legs as though cycling to express her excitement on seeing you and you feel alrite...trouble me as much as u wanna...
I’ll grin n bear!

It’s been a fun/tough one month so far...and for further details...
If I survive or succumb?
Does Seeya change me or do I manage to change her?
Watch this space!:-)

I am!

I am...Me!
But what is me, I myself am not sure!

Am I what I have lived for?
My ideas, my principles, my attitude defines me?
My ideas, my principles, my attitude defies me!

I am in grain, as I was created by the master
And in spirit, as formed by the humans!
I am a face, a personality... a life!
I am a daughter, a mother, a wife...
Am I what my relations make me?

I am that which evolves every minute...
I am part this and part that and yet a whole!
I am what I want people to be like!
I am full of me and yet empty!

So what am I?
What makes me an individual and not a face in the crowd?
Does not every face in the crowd think himself to be so?
If we all want to stand out...who would stand within?
We need a crowd to be able to be singled out...
We need others to be able to define ourselves!
Then if I am like others, why do I struggle to be unlike them?

I am...what I think I am!
But do I think fair?
Or am I prejudiced towards me to make me fiercely believe I am right or better or stronger or smarter?
I think I like me too much to point out the faults and then love myself much too for I easily forgive when I err!
I am what was made of me...I am what I make of me!

Am I what others tell or opine about me?
But who can really judge that they mean what they say?
I get convinced in all my egotism of what I feel others perceive of me...
I am what I project to them or what I am in the confines of my privacy when I unmask all the layers and put away all the mirrors?

Am I what I critically dissect myself as?
I am harsh with me for I feel I know me better than all who say they do...
I let them gloat in the surmise that they do!
I let them see what I want them to!
I hide myself sometimes even from me...
And at other times I combat within my frames to let “me” surface and emerge as it should!

I am sometimes noble...free spirited and giving...
I bask in my own light, treading cautiously between vanity and respect!
I am sometimes selfless, yet eventually think high of me for being so and defy it totally!
I am fun and funny...making me think, am I like this or has life made it for me?

I am something and nothing and yet everything to me!
I am the reason for my existence and not love, relations, money or the likes as we believe to be!
I am the only person I can truly make happy and the only person who can truly understand my fears!

I am my best friend and my worst enemy...
I have within me the entire cosmos...
The strength to make me happy...
The will to make me strong...
The desire to make me persevere...
The need to make me reach out...
The elation of a soul reaching its destination...
The desolation of disappointments!

I am honest and naked only with me!
I am and will continue to be!

Five Times a Week Average!

It is 2 a.m.*yup, in the morning*
I woke up to feed baby Seeya and could not sleep after that, so thought of putting some of my thoughts here!

Normally at 2a.m. *still in the morning only dodo* I would have thoughts unmentionable...
But then since motherhood, there has been a kind of change!

A change that is not so positively deemed by my beloved!
A change that I mentioned in my last post and it caused more ripples than me becoming a mommy!

Our AVERAGE OF FIVE TIMES A WEEK of bedroom adventures was looked at with great interest by the commenting community...in the comment section of the blog and otherwise!

Some said with disdain, ‘Only 5 times...tch, tch!’
And some others released inconspicuous cold sighs, the breath of which only I could feel till here*!

Sex!
Is there ever enough of it?
And what is enough of it?
I thought I was doing my greedy n needy beloved a bloody favour by offering myself*I deliberately want it to sound like a sacrifice at the altar* at least 5 times a week and the figures going into whooping proportions during weekends and holidays!

But men, men, men...Are they ever satisfied?
So after much cribbing one evening from his end and blasphemous duh-types accusations like:
‘You have got old!
Where should I go now if you refuse me?
Look at other wives!
Do you think we should show you to the doctor?’
And more blah, blah, blah...which I generally turn a deaf ear to...but that particular evening, about a month back, I had had enough!
However I turned and dodged, we somehow returned to it*not sex yaar....but talking about it!*
Phew!

And I contemplated...
You ungrateful soul!
You should fall on your knees and thank your lucky stars!
But since you choose to fall on your knees for purposes otherwise...it is time to set things straight*in the name of sweet Mother Mary...no puns intended guys*

I had made up my mind*it was like those scenes in the movies, where the heroine gets us from the floor with rage on her face and blood in her eyes...wipes her saliva/blood from her lips...ties her dupatta on her waist and runs towards the villain with a semi-Sunny Deol yell...okay over dramatization...please ignore*

I decided to do a little survey among friends to shut him up once and for all and also know if there is genetically something really wrong with me or terminally something very hyper about his testosterone!

So on a suitable night out with couple friends, where the men sit at one side and the women at the other*and I generally sit n brood in a corner thinking why we attend such stone-age get-togethers and how blatantly discrimination is still rampant in this world*....I broached the subject!

Okies women...so since my G*that’s Gautam for short...not short as in ANYTHING else except short in patience for saturation* feels I suck in the sack...not as in literally, how he wishes though...I need some answers from you guys to show him it is a wtf-kinda assumption!

So I asked them...
Women, fellow-sufferers, ‘weaker-sex so deemed as weak at sex’ fellas,
Lend me your ears....
How many times do you guys do it with your husbands*yup, that needs to be specified these days to maintain clarity and authenticity of any survey*?

No answers...
A ‘haw’ here and a snigger there...
Someone dared to ask me the same query to see what I’d say before venturing into the forbidden territory...

Okay...lemme break the ice...
Me n G do it about 5 times...what about you guys?
Lady 1: Oho...5 times a month...that is too high Suruchi!
Me: Er...L 1, I meant about 5 times a week!
L 1: *goes into a silent mode and suddenly looks at the floor with such intent n purpose that you’d think she was doing a thesis into marble flooring*

L 2: That’s a high figure...but since you guys don’t have kids, it is possible...
Kids kinda kill sex!
Me: Oh...that’s weird...considering if it were not for sex these kids would have not arrived in the first place!
L 3: Yes, every time we kinda come close or even get ‘touchy’, there would be the baby pissing or howling for feed or just plain so curious that he’d get up to sit n stare as though he has front row tickets to watch a blockbuster porn!

Me:  Oh Ya? That means G is subjecting me to so much atyachaar and not even giving me credit for it!
L 4: Okay let us tell your G that his is a super duper average!

Me: I don’t think he’d be satisfied with that!
What about experimentation?
*I was dodging now into very forbidden territory...so I became a little cautious...like the tigress stalking the preys with feather-light steps so that they may not fly away in fear*

L 4: Oh experimentation is just for the first year of marriage...when you experiment with each other’s body!
Me: Oho...I mean not THAT kind of exploration. This is experimentation...taking things to higher level...you know*yes, even I actually have some lajja, sharam n hayya to actually blurt out things at the onset..I need to establish a foundation first*

L 3: You mean if we do the ‘job’ well?
Me: Er...that and other things!
L 4*now opening up*: I hate the jobs...I managed to do it once and would not want to do it again!

As regards the other people’s reactions...let’s not go there...I am as it is accused of opening my mouth too much...to put my own foot in it of course!

6 out of the 8 women*actually out of 7, because one of them remained non-committal throughout for any and every matter, with a pressed lips smile that said she was registering it all to eventually relate it in bed to her husband at the end of this, without missing even a single gory detail*
Okay, so 6 out of 7 women just nodded, or shook their heads or looked embarrassed...every n all of which reactions left me more mystified than ever!

Me*not yet giving up*: And what about the handcuffs or feather strings or situational dressing and, and....

Before venturing into more possibilities n propositions, I looked around...
There were aghast faces looking back at me and eye balls rolling under the half bent eyelids...
If we were in the age of Saint Jones, when supposed witches were burnt on wooden poles in the market place...I’d probably be on the pole next to her!

Alrite...I did not want them to go home with a cultural shock!
So I rested my case!

Fine...I anyways had enough proof to set my beloved right!
When he tells me “look at other wives” I at least had some arsenal up my sleeve to blow him off with!
And not THAT blow...for goodness’s sake!

Arre...already 4 a.m. ...time for Seeya to wake up for her next feed...
So adios amigos...until next time!

Hot Momma!

Alrite...for those of you who’ve missed me...biiiiiiiiiiiig hugs
And those of you who did not...cold, murderous glares...subjected still to slightly lesser-big hugs if you make amends asap*whoa...don’t look at me in that duh-way that is reeking of no-idea-what-to-do air.
Now if “I” will have to tell you even this how you should make amends to phir what you did on this planet from so many blessed years?*

Anyways, I have been away from the World Wide Web for a while*actually just one week to be precise...but seems like eternity*
And the reason for this would unfold now:
So pretty, witty n hot ladies n gentlemen, girls n boys*yes I prefer associations in this order of adjectives only*...
This is to inform you that I, Suruchi Arora am officially a mommy now!

So goodbye good old days of freely bouncing about as n when I wanted to...
Good bye to being a compulsive flirt*for it was as it is difficult targeting preys after being a naari with sindoor n managlsutra....now I seems dinosaur-ic being a woman with nappies and rattles...boo hoo...there go my hope of ever having an extra-marital affair*

Also good bye to days of massages...hair spas...holidays...gyming*oho...my choti se love story in the previous post...looks like sabke nazar lag gaye...forget about nabbing now no chances of grabbing or even peeking at him!*

But then again...when one door closes at one point*in this case many doors actually*, they say another window opens somewhere else:
Hello days of responsibility of a seven months old angel, whom we now call Seeya- after Goddess Sita, to be explanative of her name!

And before I hear ‘What? Why? How? Whoa’ from my blogosphere world...
Lemme do some further clarifications:
Nope...I was not pregnant*dodos, if I had been, don’t you think I would have recited my guts out on morning sickness...increasing bumps...inclining/declining sex drive and the likes...I am very dedicated to the cause of my reader’s all-round enlightment!*

We have been at it from ten years to my marriage*that is making babies by the way...any reference to the act of making love coinciding with the ritual, is purely unintentional. What the heck...it is not...now go ahead n burn in jealousy...although our average of 5 days a week is in serious jeopardy now so you may also gloat in sadist pleasure*

Anyways again...all that effort...sweaty sessions, late night adventures, early morning drilling and the likes but to no effect....
Matlab we just enjoyed the act of making babies and never really got to make one actually!:/

Doctors, palmists, astrologers, tantriks, saints, sinners, co-travellers, strangers, chemists, grocer...anyone n everyone had some advice or suggestion or remedy for our “curse” the moment they got to know we were not having kids*thankfully the proposals did not include altering ‘positions’...phew!*
But seems like the universe was conspiring against me remaining half-single and half ready to half-mingle*if only I had found my other half...sigh!*

Aaaah...long, boring, sob story there...so would not bother you with details. Let’s just say every smiling, mad face has sometimes an ocean of not so smiling or happy moments!

Anyywaaaaaays....so now we have adopted this adorable little doll who has brought a 360 degrees change in my life!
And like everything else I share with you guys...
This story just had to come here too!

The idea of adoption surfaced about two months back due to extreme fondness of my beloved for kids. And despite me asking him to call me “baby” to suffice that...it just did not go!

As for me...I had come to terms with the way things God had sent my way...filled my little voids with teaching, blogging, facebook-ing and even gyming*which I got to join just last year after ten years of being injected with medicines n hormones n what not...please rest the dirty minds here*!
I could finally be in some shape...other than the distorted one!

So the cold feet came about at the onset and did not seem to leave me despite my warm heart that is always ready to give, embrace n share love wherever and however!

And then one day...just like that, God sent little Seeya to us*yes, so dramatically only*
She looked at us with her big, beautiful eyes, through those long curly lashes and little fingers pointing to me and we knew she was perfect!
Though when she first saw us her face was swollen in anger as though saying, “God...couldn’t you send me a better pair...alrite...kaam chala lete hoon inhe se!”

The more I held her...the more little frontiers of motherhood awakened in my hitherto frivolous heart n mind!

And that was a cause of apprehension erstwhile, a source of astonishment when it occurred and a reason of jubilation now!
Why?
You see, I never considered myself as a mother!
You know how little and not-so-little girls dream of a house, a husband and two kids...
Kids were never in my frame of things*as a matter of fact, neither was a house or husband...I never thought of my future...I just live joyfully for and in the present!*

And neither had I been around kids much...the only exception being myself!
Plus ten years of grinding my body, mind and soul for a child had kind of killed the urge for it!

So there was fear... the ‘what if’ fear!
What if I do not feel as mothers do?
What if I am unfair to a little child?
What if my personal freedoms and selfish ambitions take over my responsibilities?

But it has been a week of revelation!

Not only did I not have a maid for the child*which is considered as a norm by the way* the maid who cleaned my room n bathroom, washed my clothes, did the ironing...decided to call it quits the very day Seeya came!
*I know what you are thinking...the cribbing mom begins*

However, for four days I gave myself completely to her cause...
I barely slept for about three hours intermittently through the day and barely sat during the waking hours!
She was taking time to adjust and I was making efforts to do the same!

But every time she would wake up and I’d be there...she’d look at me with her big beautiful eyes and smile with her 6 teeth peeking and nose scrunching so adorably that I knew it was all worth it!

Here was a little bundle of life that depended on me entirely!
Here was a big bundle of a whole unadulterated gratification when she would cling to my torso and her little frame almost jutting into my bigger one!
She would put her soft cheeks to my face or tiny fingers to hold my ears and I felt like never before!

Some of my dear friends had encouraged me earlier but I feared I was not made for it. I now believe...motherhood does not get born...it is there...it just gets awakened in a woman when she holds a child!
Sounds filmy but it is very true!

I sometimes miss my carefree life!
But then when she kicks her legs in pleasure as I talk gibberish with her...I become numb to everything else!
Once every day I yearn to teach again or go into the blog world, both of which have been my sole caretakers of sanity till now...
But so many other times during the same day I thank God when she sleeps comfortably or when she says ‘ta-ta-ta’ to me*I take it to mean as I love you momma*
Awwww!

Enough of Karan Johar mush....can I return back to a bit of cribbing again!
In one week I have washed n cleaned her bum more times than I have probably cleaned mine in the whole month*may I assert that it does not indicate anything about my hygienic qualities or my bowel movements*

I have held her in my arms and swung them to put her to sleep for hours at a stretch, as she wakes up every hour through the night!*hopefully that should get my arms in better shape*

I eat less because during the eating times I am generally washing nappies or ironing them or sterilizing bottles*I just might FINALLY lose some weight*

We*my beloved n me* have had almost next to nothing sex *finally a spate of relief...yiyee, yiyee, yiyee!*

I think I may soon suffer from some of these syndromes....having under eye bags...back ache...arms muscles...sloppy dressing...no eyebrows done and sometimes no time even for a head wash!*but worry not my competitors*who aren’t many* or my suitors*who are even fewer* for I’LL BE BACK!

The first sign of it is returning to blog...
And slowly the wheels of time would for sure make me a ‘hot momma’!
For I always believe in one dictum...there’s no point of doing something or being someone...if you do not create it as an example for others!
Amen to my thought n aim!

P.S. Sorry for being unable to read your blogs...would return to do so as soon as I get a little more settled!
Oho...got to rush...the baby just woke up with a howl!:-)

I am Crushed-Yiy, yiy, yiy!

I have a big, fat, humungous, whopping, dinosaur-ic crush! I needed to supply so many adjectives above to emphasize on the urgency of the situation because otherwise small, tiny, miniscule, trivial, miniature crushes are an everyday ritual with me. Yes people, in my last post I mentioned why we need a husband husband happy-check and here please let me not leave the gyan incomplete and enlighten you also on the necessity of needing a “crush” to keep you from being crushed when ghar ke murgi becomes daal baraabar whatever the connotations there you may assume.

Most of the romantic flicks tell you to close your eyes and you’d see the image of that special someone whom you truly love. Now a word of warning-these stunts are performed by experts and can be dangerous, if tried at home without professional guidance and lead to misguided inferences. Why I say so?

For when I tried doing the same...I mean I closed my eyes and waited for a face...Waaaaaaaaaaiting....Aaaaaaaaaaand....

Voila!

Wtf!

There was a bloody party!

Bah!

Dumb love stories?

Naah!

Dumb reality!

I tell you it’s bloody too much to expect in kalyug for eyes to drop when you view a tempting dish cross your path. Even for a “Bharatiye, Pativrata, abla, sarv gun sampan” naari like me. Please don’t ask me to translate that...there’s something called drama for heaven’s sake. And the object of my affection is a geek god cum Greek god at my gym. Mmmmm! I have seen him grow. Please don’t get me wrong my dear one-track minded friends. I mean, I was there when this boy came! Uff, I think I am still not ‘raising’ the right picture, am I?

Okay, cut to a few months back...

Me doing my regular thingy in the gym nopes, that does not mean “not exercising” so wipe off that grin and the door opens...

In comes with a hawa ka jhooka, as if in a slow motion Yashraj movie- A sweet, introvert looking kinda gawky twenty something of a boy!

A bottle water bottle for Christ’s sake in one hand and a napkin offo, a regular male napkin in another! About 5 feet 9 or 10 inches that’s his height dodos....please note the usage of “feet” there  and milk white skin. As against the black as tar counterparts already in the gym, he was literally a bright ray of sunshine. He had spectacles on his cute countenance and so dismissed by me based on face value as another wanna-be gym-goer. He also had a sombre, no faltu-baat demeanour to boot!

Okay and cut to now...

Me doing my regular thingy in the gym-yup, that means ogling at him every once in a while through the many mirrors, otherwise persistently drooling dil he dil mein and sighing. And he’d be pumping weights ooh...couldn’t I have been that dumbbell curled in his wrist?  His facial muscles stretched to perfection on his taut cheek bones. His little jersey clings to his well chiselled frame, sweat pours like drops of manna off his forehead, muscles ripple through his arms and everywhere else. His walk is suddenly super sexy and confident, skin glowing to a more manly white whatever that is supposed to mean And those spectacles are not adorning his face while he works out.

Aaaah! The pain in the heart taking me straight to my favourite mode-‘The What-If mode’! What-if he was older or better still I were younger? What if he was floored by me too silently in heart of heart or what if I was not married?

What if someday a wall in the gym falls and he comes just in the nick of time to save me by taking the bricks on his solid shoulders and I get up to say “Thank you! You saved my life.” And he says, “How could I not? Your life is not yours alone from now on!” and we get lost in each other’s eyes...

You think THIS thought is ridiculous?

Well hear this then. Some years ago, I remember watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hain and thinking of some Prince Charming coming to drag me off my shaadi ka mandap and putting me on a white horse and taking me away to live happily ever after. Never mind if I had no boyfriend or even a crush in consideration who would show any possibilities of such insanity and never mind either that the idea of getting on that white horse is matter of a completely hypothetical situation and never mind to the heights that my Prince Charming that is my dearly beloved was already waiting at the altar.

Alright shut up dream sequences-back to reality*bursting all my thought bubbles...boo hoo*

So do you get the picture now of how this boy next door looks-the forbidden apple, that could very well turn me into Eve! His transformation leaves me breathless. It’s like Peter Parker turning into Superman! I know Peter Parker was Spiderman dearies...But I think Peter Parker was more geeky for reference’s sake than Superman as the regular guy and alrite sue me for I don’t remember Superman’s name as the regular guy. I have better things to do on this planet now than remember the name of a superhero when he’s not even one. How duh can that be!

Without his spectacles and the newly found body it was not lost anywhere, just properly emerged in all its glory he is a treat to tired eyes and well even if they aren’t tired, I make sure they do get after my work out in the gym. I don’t know his name or religion or profession or age. But then age no bar caste no bar sex no bar. I mean sex as in the gender...Ache cheez ke taareef karne ke liye bas!

 So while my students had also trickled during summer vacations, I basked in my evening sessions at the gym and hence my crushing began! Vacations over-evening classes on again-so back to gyming in the morning....

And my choti se love story gets nipped in the bud!

P.S. Author subjected to high risks of hyper exaggerations!

(Family reading this-happy-check)

;-)

Why we need a husband?

Nope...not because who would pay our bills otherwise!
Definitely not for we can’t blame destiny or the government all the time!
N also not because not everything can be answered by Google!

Husband is a strange specimen!
But before we realize we want one...we must know why we actually need him!

Imagine your face filled up with pimples*okay, that’s quite ghastly even for imagination...not filled up but kinda bursting out at spots with them*
At a tragic time like this, he would be the one who would still cup your face in his hands and not search for a spot that is blemish free.
He’d leave a moist imprint of his kiss and tell you, you are still beautiful!

You’d be walking down the road together and while the others compliment you on the dress...dear husband would be the one to notice that your feet look pretty today for you have applied nail paint on it after a while*never mind if he forgot to observe the outcome of Rs. 500 blown on your last hair cut!*

He’d be the unhesitant volunteer to cuddle you, if you moan and wake him up in the middle of the night n from his deepest of slumber and say,
“Suno ji...so gaye kya? Mujhe neend nahi aa rahe hain!”
And he’d wake up with a start, all nervous to ask if all was okay!
And then keep you cosy in his arms...
His palm not giving up on patting your head, even while his tired eyes refuse to open up!

You need a husband, for times when you stand facing a show window and looking greedily at an over prized designer wear that would be a crime to buy and a sin to leave...And he’d walk over from behind and say, “Take it. It’s been a while since I have gifted you anything!”

Only a husband would be as excited about your girls’ day out as all the girls themselves *Never mind, if it is just to get gory details of your escapades*
But he’d tell you to have fun and don’t bother about home for he’ll manage the show!
And he’d be the one, who would not call, to embarrass you, but be messaging you, as soon as it gets dark for he wants you to be home safe!

It is only a husband, who’d go into the “I-am-useless-for-I-can’t-keep-my-wife-happy” mode at the slightest hunch of you in the blues...
Or keep asking you persistently “what’s wrong?” even when you tell him to lay off rudely!
The day you appear less than usual chirpy, he’d call you as soon as he reaches office, although a hundred impending tasks threaten him!
You need him you’ll realize, when he sends a message from office with a smiley face for no reason at all...

You need a husband, for when you feel grumpy like the world’s been a nightmare he’d find ways to mend it, even if it is not his fault!

You would look at the watch and ask him to make a move from your parents place and he’d insist on you both staying a little longer, for he feels your family is yet not satiated of having you to stare, pamper n care!

If you find yourself stuck in a crowd of unknown faces and known bored feelings, there’ll be a face looking out for you, just as you’d be looking out for him...
That face is of a husband, who wants to make sure the woman he brought in on his arm, is not lost and not just physically!

You need a husband, for he’ll not break into a “bachelor’s” party when separated from you, even for a while...but lie dull n low for he’ll openly acknowledge there’s no joy without you, even in the merriest of recreations!

He’s a strange creature I tell you, for he would be having funny ailments gnawing his own body, but would panic at the idea of you having to suffer, even just by a minor muscle pull. He’d never be able to pick up the phone to get his own doctor’s appointment...But he’ll never be able to forget reminding you to make yours, till you get frustrated and give in!

In sleep, he would unknowingly grope with his hands on the bed, till your skin comes within the reach of his searching fingers and then continue to sleep!
Even in his subconscious, he would want to hold you!

You need a husband for when you say “I do not like wet towels on the laundry basket”, he’d be willing to let go of old habits!
Tell him, ‘Why can’t you at least hang your shirt on the hanger of the cupboard, if you decide not to wear it?” and find some 8 shirts nicely opened and floating over the rods, but at least not strewn across the bed!

It’s a husband, who would give in to feed you Chinese food for you want  it, despite him not enjoying it...turn the car to go back to get you an ice cream, even when you’ve almost reached home!

A husband would not think you less, although your eye brows need mending like with a lawn mower...
He would not mind the comfortable cotton underclothes*although appreciate seductive satin of once in a while with incomparable enthusiasm* for it makes you feel better rather than looking better!
In fact you can still be wearing the faded night shirt since time immemorial and that would not detest him from exploring what is within it!

It is a husband who would say he’s the happiest man on earth, when on his birthday, all that you gift him, is yourself wrapped in new, sexy lingerie!

To a husband you can show the emergence of white hair and even make him count them to console you later, when you crib about it!
He would not mind*okay, at least not all the time*if you do not take a shower before coming to bed!

You would see the glitter of pride in his eyes, when you look extra ravishing on a particular night out...like maybe Bill Gates would have upon receiving his first recognition for the ownership of something exquisite!
It is a husband who would beam with equal joy as you, when others appreciate his wife or look at him with envy!

So although having a boyfriend or live-in partners can be learning grounds for the ultimate experience....
There’s no feeling as liberating as taking someone for granted to love you no matter what...
To have never an iota of doubt behind the reason why he is so affectionate with you...and would he be like this forever?
To be unabashedly yourself before him, with your flaws and finesse!
To know he would never say ‘let’s take a break’!

Not everything that is being done from ages is redundant!
You need a good husband...and you ought to make it a good marriage to know how it feels!